I walked in the dark in search of happiness,
But happiness seemed to elude me.
The haziness around me made me stumble again and again until I stopped,
Sat down and let the darkness engulf me.
It was thick like molasses and chilled me to the bone.
I whispered my name and sang scary lullabies whose happy endings sounded like empty promises.
I was lost.
So I did the only thing I could do,
I closed my eyes,
Opened my heart and asked for help.
Help came in the form of a woman,
At times she was old,
At times she was merely a child,
Often she was both,
But the joy she embodied was unchanging.
She sat with me in the dark and held my hand in silence for a very long time.
Then she spoke.
You want to know the secret to my happiness,
She said.
It all started with darkness.
A new darkness like you two,
A constant companion holding me in an eternal embrace.
There was no new dawn,
No promise of a better tomorrow,
No redemption.
There was just darkness.
So I peered into this darkness and surrendered to it.
I faced every twisted thought,
Tasted every emotion,
Spoke to every ghost,
Held hands with every aspect of my personality.
I made peace with everything that kept me in the dark.
And then something emerged from that darkness and its simplicity staggered me.
What's the secret to your happiness,
You ask me?
It's this.
It's waking up every morning surrounded by animals who teach me how to celebrate the smallest things.
It's warm showers in winter that make me feel like I'm back in the womb.
It's feeling the core spark of the trees under my hand as a reminder that I am a living,
Breathing being.
It's walking barefoot on sand or grass just because I deserve the pleasure it gives me.
It's hearing the sea in a seashell and marveling at the design of nature,
While at the same time realizing we are all part of that design.
It's watching the stars and thinking of the immensity of the universe.
We are specks of light.
It's feeling the warm touch of a firm hand,
Comforting.
It's hugs,
A taste of home.
It's hearing good morning and knowing each morning is a new beginning.
It's watching the sunset behind the mountains and realizing each night is a new hope.
It's re-reading the books that made me who I am today and feeling proud of my journey.
It's knowing I've come this far and knowing I can go much further.
It's the realization that I get to design my life.
It's sharing my secret with you and hoping you'll smile with me.
Because your wounds might be deep,
But your strength is bottomless.
Because there are a hundred reasons to be sad,
But also a hundred reasons to be joyful.
Because you have come this far.
Because your heart is still beating.
Because your life is yours to live.
The child woman fell silent and stared at me.
Her smile never faltered.
You have to be still,
She added.
You have to be very still so that you're able to see how these small,
Simple things shine and sing among the noise.
This is what lies beyond the darkness.
It won't disappear quickly.
It won't disappear forever.
But you will learn to live a life where light and shadow continuously dance.
And there will be so much color in it.
Such a life is one worth living.
There was silence again and I reached out,
But my hand landed on a cold surface and I found myself staring at my own reflection.
The child woman vanished.
The darkness receded.
And all the sounds,
Scents and colors in the world came to life around me.
Some were gentle and beautiful.
Others strong and terrifying.
I welcomed them all and let wave after wave wash over me,
Feeling like I had just woken up from a very long sleep.
I was alive.
I had survived everything life had thrown at me.
I had been there for myself,
Day after day,
Night after night.
I was never perfect,
But I didn't need to be.
All I had to do was treat each day as a new beginning and each night as a new hope.
See all the colors that life has to offer.
And then choose myself,
Choose myself over and over again.
Choose kindness above everything.
Choose fairness.
Choose to believe that happiness is within reach.
Choose to live my life in my own terms.
Because I deserve it.
Dear friend,
If you're listening,
Let me be that woman in the dark.
Let me reflect back at you how much you deserve to get to the other side.
I won't be able to walk in the dark with you,
But today I can hold your hand and remind you of these truths.
Whatever life has thrown at you,
It wasn't your fault.
It wasn't your fault.
It wasn't.
You don't have to stay in the dark.
You can find your own happiness.
I know you will.
Next time you see your own reflection,
I'd like you to say these words to yourself.
I deserve to see all the colors.
I deserve to enjoy my life.
I deserve to be happy.
Take care,
Beautiful soul.
