Welcome to another brief talk in the Parenting Superpowers Toolkit series.
This is tool number eight,
Holding Boundaries.
I will read an I statement with the goal of reminding you to focus on what is in your control.
I strive to be credible,
Consistent,
Clear,
And calm as I follow through with important boundaries that will help my child develop into an independent,
Resilient,
Compassionate,
And capable adult.
I will kindly but firmly state my boundary and then disengage and deny audience.
I have the right to be the parent and hold boundaries without inviting debate.
I strive to step away from situations before they spiral and I risk harming the relationship.
There's a metaphor I once heard that has always stuck with me.
Be the lighthouse.
So be the lighthouse in your child's life,
Sturdy and shining a light on the path,
Not the lifeguard down in the turbulent waters paddling with them.
This is really a perfect image to keep in mind when we think about setting boundaries.
Our kids often don't like our boundaries,
But deep down,
They know they are good for them and keep them feeling safe.
And keep us feeling predictable to them.
Now,
They may try to pull us into those turbulent waters and negotiate a boundary that they don't like,
But our job is to remain sturdy and unflappable.
To meet their chaos with calm.
If we join them in their chaos and allow their escalation of a situation to change our boundary,
We have lost credibility.
Our word doesn't mean as much.
And every time there's a boundary they don't like,
They will remember the last time they wore us down and we caved on a boundary.
Ultimately,
This is not serving their long-term growth and development.
So once again,
Strive to be clear.
Calm,
Consistent,
And concise.
Most of our boundaries can be connected to health,
Well-being,
Safety,
And development.
So these sorts of boundaries are worth holding consistently.
State the boundary,
And state the consequence if the boundary is crossed.
Do this as matter of fact as possible without an energetic charge.
And if your child tries to engage you in a debate around the boundaries,
Simply state,
Regardless,
This is my decision.
And then disengage and deny audience.
Remove yourself to another room if necessary.
And if they do not honor the boundary,
Consistently follow through with the consequence.
Perhaps it is no screen time for 24 hours,
Or loss of driving privileges for a certain amount of time,
Or loss of the privilege of attending a social event.
Whatever it is,
Follow through and with as little energetic charge as possible.
Simply state,
I was crystal clear with what the consequence here would be.
This is what is happening.
Then once again disengage and deny audience.
Don't add to the consequence if they escalate.
Simply follow through with the consequence you already set.
Becoming as unenergized as possible and repeat like a broken record.
Nevertheless,
This is my decision.
Allow the consequence to do the talking.
No lecture or debate is needed.
I invite you to experiment with being credible with your word,
Clear,
Calm,
Consistent,
And concise with your expectations and follow through.
Work to do so,
Once again,
With as little energetic charge as possible,
And begin to observe and gather data.
Does this approach help to positively shape behavior as we help our kids along their runway to becoming an independent,
Capable,
Compassionate,
And resilient young adult?
