Parenting Superpower #2: Taming Reactivity And Slowing Down

The "Parenting Superpowers Toolkit" mini talks focus on strategies that are within our control. Superpower #2 is about pausing and lowering the temperature when a situation begins to escalate. This tool helps us practice putting space between stimuli and our automatic, habitual reactions. This allows us to respond with greater wisdom and less risk of damaging the relationship. By practicing this tool, we are also modeling what it looks like to be in control of our emotions.

Transcript

Welcome to another brief parenting talk where we're looking at parenting superpowers for your toolkit. So today we're looking at parenting superpower number two and these are read as I statements because these tools are really meant to empower us as parents to focus on that which is within our control. So parenting superpower number two is taming reactivity, Slowing down, Pausing, Lowering the temperature. I strive to tame my reactivity and model the ability to take a pause, Slow things down, Put some space between stimuli and my automatic habitual reactions so that I may respond more thoughtfully. I know that no teaching, Correcting, Or connecting can happen when the temperature is too high and anyone has a flipped switch. So let's unpack this one a little bit. Let's start by looking at the timing of conversations. Not everything requires resolution right now. Some space and some time might actually change the sense of urgency and some space and some time will definitely change the energy of your response. It's going to give you some time to Respond with more wisdom. Remembering that when anyone's switch is flipped, So whether that's ours or our child's, It is a physiological response. A nervous system is unsettled. There was an article in the New York Times years ago about how to help teens weather their emotional storms by Lisa D'Amour. She's great. She's got a lot of great content out there for parents. And in it, She referenced a therapist who would use a glitter globe in their office and the glitter globe was meant to illustrate sort of that unsettled nervous system. So when that switch is flipped saying this is kind of what it's like in your brain when you shake up that glitter globe. So letting the glitter settle and the waters clear before initiating or continuing a conversation. Author and psychiatrist Dan Siegel also talks about this by using the term window of tolerance. And he'll say that when we move outside of our window of tolerance into that unsettled nervous system, We're in fight or flight. We've moved out of our prefrontal cortex and into our emotion brain, Our amygdala, Right? We're just trying to survive. We perceive some sort of threat. So when we're out of that window of tolerance or the glitter's flying everywhere, It's taking a pause. And it's modeling the ability to do that, Especially when our switch is the one that's flipped, Right? It's modeling the ability to regain control of our emotions and come back and approach with a little more balance. And maybe there won't be resolution for the situation, But we can at least prevent doing damage to the relationship. And come back seeking more understanding between both parties. Some language that I really, Really like to use in a situation like this is, Listen, I love you too much to risk damaging our relationship. So we're going to take a pause. We're going to let that glitter settle. We're going to let our nervous system calm down. And then we're going to come back and try to understand each other with clearer eyes. So I hope this tool helps. Once again, Parenting superpower number two, Taming reactivity, Slowing down, Pausing, Lowering the temperature.