Parenting: Connecting Versus Correcting

In the hustle and bustle of our days, it often feels like we have very few opportunities for meaningful interaction with our children, especially as they reach the teen and young adult years. Our days can feel like a series of mini-conversations that are all about getting stuff done. In an effort to check things off our to-do list and get everyone’s needs met, we may inadvertently decreases warmth and connection in the relationships with our children. This can lead to tension, misunderstandings and patterns of conflict.

In this talk, we will discuss ways to dial down the constant stream of reminders and corrections and intentionally focus on deepening connection with our children through pure presence.

Transcript

Welcome to this parenting talk on connection versus correction. And if you listen to any of my materials, You will often hear me repeat. That no matter your situation or the age of your children, Even if they are already adults, The action you are taking to seek support and new tools reinforces that you are already doing a great job as a parent. We don't often hear those words, So I will continually repeat them. You are doing a great job at one of the toughest jobs there is. So. . . In some of my other content, We've discussed managing parental anxiety, And one of the tools in that talk was called Power in the Pause. So power in the pause is allowing some space between stimuli and reaction. So beginning to catch ourselves before we fall back into habitual reaction patterns that likely weren't serving the situation or the relationship. So the invitation with power in the pause is to experiment by responding in new ways and perhaps sometimes not responding at all. The power in the pause tool is a great segue into the topic of connection versus correction. So in the space of that pause, It can be helpful to ask ourselves, Is this communication that I'm about to have meant to control or correct in some way, Or is it meant to connect? Asking this question in that pause helps us become more aware of how many times we are correcting versus simply connecting with our children. Today I want to talk about a concept called the relationship bank account. Sometimes it's referred to as the emotional bank account. And this concept always reminds me of this beautiful. Quote by Maya Angelou. People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you make them feel. So think of the relationship bank account as the accumulation of warmth and goodwill in the relationship. It is how the other person feels around us. The Gottman Institute is a thought leader in the art and science of relationships, And their research has shown that the magic ratio of positive to negative interactions for keeping a healthy bank account balance is 5 to 1. Five positive interactions to every one negative interaction. So think of this these as deposits and withdrawals. And withdrawals happen. They are part of being human. Withdrawals take place through conflict. Criticism, Nagging, Mistakes, Sometimes ignoring, Or simply by becoming so focused on ourselves and survival that we lose awareness of the other person's full human experience. Just like us, They have hopes, Dreams, Challenges, And burdens. So just like us, Our kids have a full internal life filled with hopes, Dreams, Challenges, And burdens. So we have to intentionally work to maintain a healthy balance in the relationship bank account so it can survive these inevitable withdrawals. It's good to note here that making a genuine repair can be a deposit. Making a genuine repair means accepting your own flaws and mistakes as opportunities for learning and growth and modeling this to our children by owning up to where we messed up and where we want to do or be better. I think this is also really humanizing ourselves to our kids. As parents, I think we sometimes feel like we must always have the answers. This can be perceived as needing to be perfect by our children, Right? So by being human and embracing our mistakes, We give our kids permission to embrace theirs and permission to not be perfect. This sort of repair is. . . Powerful. Positive deposit in the relationship bank account. I'm gonna talk more about the types of deposits we can make in a bit. So life is busy, Right? We are often in survival mode, And with our parenting hat on, We can be in a constant state of teaching and correcting, Or what our kids might call nagging. So back to the Maya Angelou quotes. People will forget what you said, People will forget what you did, But people will never forget how you make them feel. One day, A few years back, I asked myself, What is the experience of being my child like? What does it feel like to be my child? I think this is a useful question to periodically ask ourselves. So this led me to write out a script of what a typical day of communication that I direct towards my kids might be like. It made me really anxious to read it and sad a bit sad right when I realized This was my kid's experience of me. So I'm going to read this script to you of an is an example of what a typical day might look and sound like between a parent and, In this case, A kid in school. So, You know, This could be elementary through high school. All right, Here it goes, Before school starts. Can you hear your alarm? Time to get up. You still aren't up, You are going to get another tardy. Can you afford another tardy? Save time for breakfast, You know you need to eat so your brain can function at school. You aren't wearing that to school. I can see your belly button. Go change your shirt. You don't want a dress code violation. I asked you to unload the dishwasher last night and you didn't do it. Please do it before you leave. Did you speak with your science teacher about that missing assignment yesterday? No? Please do that today. Why are you procrastinating? You are running out of time to be able to turn it in. Hey, You need to wear a coat. It's freezing out there and you don't want to get sick. I expect you to come straight home from school and get your homework done before you hang out with friends. Okay, Now fast forward to the end of the day. Maybe after after school activities, End of work day, Before dinner. Here we go with the script again. You forgot to unload the dishwasher this morning again. Now I'm prepping dinner and I can't load any of the dirty dishes. Will you please do it now? Your bike is in the front yard. Please put it in the garage so it doesn't get stolen. Hey, What grade did you get on that math test you were worried about? Have you gotten your 15 minutes of piano practice in today? Hey, Please come down and help set the table for dinner. Seriously, Please set the table. Please move the phones. No phones at the table. You know the rules. By the way, Did you crack your phone screen again? Guys, I need more help around here. Dad and I work hard to keep this house going and hold down jobs so we can provide a nice life for you. We need to see more teamwork. Please help load the dishwasher. Why do I even have to ask? Are you on Snapchat? Please get off and help me finish the dinner cleanup. We aren't done yet. I never would have gotten away with this as a kid. If we had a team name, It would be the Half Assers. Listen, I don't mind you listening to music while you're doing your homework, But that language, Why do you even like it? It sounds trashy. Do I hear Netflix in there? Aren't you supposed to be doing your homework? Also, You left some gum wrappers on the coffee table. Trash, Please. Do I look like your personal maid? On that note, I know you want to drive soon. Well, We don't compartmentalize being responsible. Dad and I are looking for the whole package of responsibility. If we can't trust you to pick up your trash, How can we trust you to drive? It's almost time to put phones on the counter. Phones on the counter, Please. I said that your phone needs to be on the counter. Time to give your brain a break and wind down. Don't you have a book to read? I worry you aren't reading enough. Well, Now you've lost your phone for tomorrow. I've been asking for an hour for you to start winding down. Do you want to be tardy again tomorrow? Whew, So how does that make you feel to hear that? It still makes me sweat to read it. Now, I know that in the hustle and bustle of an average work day and school day, Parents and their younger humans don't feel like there are many opportunities for meaningful interaction. So as that demonstrated, The day is a series of mini conversations about getting stuff done. Once again, It doesn't feel like there's a lot of time for true connection. Being fully present, And making positive deposits in our relationship bank accounts. As that script demonstrated, Quite the opposite is happening. In an effort to get everything done and to get everyone's needs and wants met. We end up taking a lot of negative withdrawals, Which decrease warmth in the home and lead to tension, Misunderstandings, And patterns of conflict. So what does a deposit look like? Here are some ideas for deposits. So sometimes a deposit is not taking a withdrawal. So taking that pause breaking an old habit in the relationship and asking yourself, Is this communication meant to control or correct in some way? Or is it meant to connect? And as I mentioned before, Making a repair is a deposit. Going back and saying something like, I wasn't being the person or parent I meant to be in that last interaction. Or I wasn't being the person or parent I mean to be with how I handled that situation. So humanizing ourselves, Making a repair, That is a deposit. Taking time to join our children in their world with something that really interests them. Maybe asking to hear something on their music playlist or talk about their favorite artist and why they like them or why they like that song. Or something that they're reading that's really interesting, Or a game they like to play. I think sometimes asking our children to teach us something and allowing them an opportunity to be an expert at something. That's a big deposit. It's more of a human to human connection that's less hierarchical, Right? It's less, I'm the parent up here above and you're below me. And I think that allowing them to show us something and be that expert. Helps shape their sense of capability and self-confidence. Another idea, Just connecting through levity and fun. So texting or just sharing something funny, Having a silly laugh. I think another deposit is being honest about some of our own struggles so that we are more relatable. You know, Maybe if your kid's struggling, Say, Yeah, You know, I struggle with low days too, Or sometimes I struggle with anxiety. I worry over deadlines, You know, Little comments like that, That just. Kind of level the playing field and say, As a human being, I also have these experiences. Giving them space when needed. Everything doesn't need to be solved in the moment. I sure wish I had learned this earlier. This could be a topic for a whole other talk, But timing of conversations is everything. No learning or connecting can happen when anyone's switch is flipped, Meaning the parent or the child, Right? Anybody has a flipped switch or their nervous system is agitated. It is not the time for teaching or connecting. And as a matter of fact, When we push in those moments, We can actually cause more damage in the relationship, Right? So taking a pause in that moment. Hey, I love you too much to risk damaging our relationship. I need to let my nervous system calm down, Right? So modeling that. I sat on my daughter's bed so many times so many nights like kind of escalating situations because I needed resolution in that moment or I needed them to talk to me in that moment. So giving space when needed, Being mindful of the timing of conversations, That is a deposit. Another deposit is being present without an agenda and without thinking about the past or the future. So just being in the moment, Pure presence, Which is part of why we are here in Insight Timer to grow our mindfulness muscles. So that we can direct our attention and be present for life as it happens and for the human beings who are with us. And a small dose of this pure presence goes a long ways. Especially during times of reuniting, Right? So times like at the end of the school day, We've been apart for a good chunk of time or being apart for several days. So experimenting with this right upon reuniting just devoting five minutes of pure presence during this time of reconnection. Can have a ripple effect and shift behaviors and energy in the household in a very positive way. So I encourage you to try this experiment with it. So just being there. No thinking about the past or the future or what needs to be done. Focusing on what you see, Hear, Taste, Smell, Body sensations, The words the other person is saying. The things the other person might not be saying with words, But maybe with body language or tone or expression. So deep listening. To all the aspects of life that are unfolding in the present moment. Now, Of course, The relationship bank account is a two-way street. Our kids need to eventually learn to be aware of their relationship bank account balance with us and with others in their lives. And for kids, You know, The communication they're directing at us often includes a series of asks, Right, To get needs and wants met. And for a long time, I think to our children, Parents can seem like a means or an obstacle to getting what they want or need. And it takes a while for them to see us as their parent, As also a human being. Our kids live on a planet of one for quite some time, As did we. However, When we can begin to model this concept of being aware of this bank account balance. We're planting seeds in hopes that one day. . . They will be mindful of their own relationship bank accounts. And I do think that when it's developmentally appropriate, We can begin to directly teach this concept. And in small doses, Of course, Because no kid ever said, Yes, Please give me another lecture. So as I've also mentioned before, You will hear me say this in lives or in these tracks that I put up. This is a different world to grow up in. The challenges our kids face are very different than those of past generations. Therefore, It is the Wild West of parenting. And the challenges we face are also very different. And I do think many, Many more kids are struggling with mental health challenges, More so than I remember in the past. And having a deep connection with a caring caregiver. Adult. And a relationship that's built on warmth and trust is a big mental health protective factor as our kids navigate all these social and cultural stressors. I've heard it said that the opposite of addiction is connection. How many of us find ourselves feeling addicted to our screens? Adults and kids alike. And what about all the other ways adults and kids, Human beings, Choose to escape the stress of life? Food, Social media, Netflix binging, Alcohol, Drugs, These are all common numbing activities. And it is possible that the high levels of depression and anxiety in our culture, Especially within our youth. Are caused in part by lack of connection. And there are many ways we need authentic connection to be healthy and whole. So I'm holding up my hand right now and you can't see it, But let's. Visualize the hand as the hand of life, And this hand can represent the many ways we need connection. And this isn't my concept. I can't remember exactly where I heard it. It was perhaps author Dr. Shefali, But OK, You've got the hand represents the hand of life. Your pinky represents accomplishments, All those measurable things, Grades, Sports achievements, Promotions at work, All those measurables. We put a lot of focus there, Right? Especially with our kids, Right? We put a lot of focus in the pinky, The measurable accomplishments. The other three fingers and your thumb represent connection. Connection to yourself. Connection to your family, Connection to a greater community, And connection to a sense of purpose. When our children are having some deeper internal struggles. I believe that one or more of these areas of connection are lacking. So focusing on the relationship bank account will help fill that connection to family bucket and hopefully begin to have a ripple effect into other areas. I believe this can be a protective factor against many potentially negative coping mechanisms. I love to label certain concepts as parenting superpowers, And I do think the relationship bank account is a parenting superpower. So here are some parenting superpower takeaways from today that you can put in your parenting toolkit and begin to experiment with. So getting out of the habit of constantly teaching and correcting. Raising your level of awareness of when you're slipping into this. So when talking with your young humans, Bite your tongue sometimes. Save your corrections for the things that really matter. Point is to avoid making the majority of our interactions with our kids teaching and correcting moments and to turn a big chunk of the focus to connecting. It's also good to note that when we don't teach and correct constantly, We are allowing our kids to do more of the problem solving on their own. You will also hear me say this often, Our job is to guide our children to be solvers of their own problems on their runway to becoming independent, Capable, Compassionate, Resilient adults. So find small ways every day to make deposits in the relationship bank account. And be aware of your balance, Remembering that five to one rule. And also remember that you get to teach your brain what is important by where you focus your attention, What we focus on grows. So here are some brain trainers. We can also call them mantras that you could take into the next week as you're working with this concept. I choose Connection over Correction. I am a person who does my part to create more warmth and connection in my home. Each day I am making positive deposits in my relationship bank accounts. And finally, I set aside time to connect with and care for myself. Making deposits into the relationship bank account I have with myself. Right? Remembering we can't give from an empty cup. So thank you so much for spending this time with me. Hopefully there was some takeaway that you can begin to experiment with in your daily life. I am sending good thoughts and my very best wishes as you continue to find your way on this path.