Parenting Superpower #1: Approach With Curiosity And Empathy

The "Parenting Superpowers Toolkit" mini talks focus on strategies that are within our control. Superpower #1 is about approaching our kids, and ourselves, with curiosity and empathy. Behavior is always a message. With this tool, you will learn to focus on the message first and the behavior second. "Bad" behaviors will be addressed, but when we train ourselves to explore root cause first, that level of care, understanding and learning will often lead to behaviors changing. Once kids feel more seen, understood by us, and increase their level of self-understanding, they are more receptive to invitations to practice behaving more skillfully to communicate their needs and feelings.

Transcript

Welcome to this Parenting Tiny Talk where we are going to go over parenting superpowers to add to your toolkit. And as I read the superpower for this talk, It will be read as an I statement. And this is to help you remember where your power lies to be a catalyst for positive change. And that's always focusing on something that is within your control. So parenting superpower number one is approaching with curiosity and empathy. I strive to approach myself and my child with curiosity and empathy. I acknowledge that behavior, Both mine and my child's, Is always a message. We can learn a lot about ourselves and others when we work to try on a new perspective and imagine what might be driving the presenting behavior. I will often use the image of an iceberg. So you have what you see, Right? That's the tip of the iceberg. You maybe see eye rolling, Yelling, Withdrawing, Lying, Just overall grumpiness. Perhaps you're seeing school refusal. Pretending not to care, Maybe overuse of screens, Lack of follow-through, Increased risk-taking, Some substance use, Or maybe even some self-harm or thoughts of self-harm. So this is what we see. Now what's really going on beneath that iceberg? We're not going to know exactly what's going on, But this exercise approaching with curiosity and empathy is to sort of try on some different things so that that we could maybe see our children in a new light and with a new depth of understanding. We're trying to imagine what their burdens are, What their worries are, What might be driving this behavior. And when we just focus on the behavior, We might miss what's really going on and miss an opportunity to connect and to perhaps help our child heal something. So what could really be going on underneath that iceberg? Could be a need that our child is trying to have met. I'm going to read some statements. Needs. I need to know my thoughts matter. I need to like myself. I need to feel capable. I need to feel valued. I need to know I matter. I need to feel understood. Perhaps your child is seeking something, Seeking connection, Belonging. Security, And maybe purpose. This exercise of going beneath the iceberg, Moving, Kind of looking past the behavior and trying on some new perspectives to see what could really be driving the behavior immediately puts me in a space of curiosity and empathy. We can use this tool not only with our children but with ourselves because our behavior is also a message for something else that's going on. So this activity is helping us map our inner world or perhaps understand the inner world of our children better. Now this doesn't mean we excuse bad behaviors but maybe that's not the first thing we focus on. You know, I think the messaging can always be, All of your feelings are okay, But all behaviors are not. Once we spend some time trying to discern what might really be going on, What are our children's hopes, Dreams, Burdens, Challenges, Things we might not see or might not have considered. Once we've considered this, We are a little softer and we can go back and approach the behavior in a different way and do the behavior shaping in a different way. So I hope this tiny talk has helped put a new tool in your toolkit. Think of this as doing some reps at the gym, Right? These skills take time, They take repetition, Lots of practice, And we're not always going to get it right. The goal is to just show up the next day and do a little better. Wishing you all the best on your parenting journey.