I'd like to talk today about a concept that I've been thinking a lot about when building self-confidence and how witnessing somebody doing something or witnessing just in general is such a powerful tool.
Before I go into that,
I want to talk a little bit about something that I scientifically have seen and heard and understood,
Especially with some of the work of Gabor Maté and The Body Keeps the Score.
One of the things that happens when we're younger and we experience trauma is we suppress it.
We depress it.
We put it into our body.
One of the reasons it gets stuck in our body is because it wasn't witnessed.
It needs to be witnessed to release it.
The emotion that you're feeling from the trauma needs to be witnessed,
Otherwise it gets stuck and it just builds up and it could turn into illness.
It could turn into depression.
It can turn into anxiety.
It can turn into so many different things,
But it didn't get witnessed by somebody when it happened.
I think that we can take that concept and move it into self-confidence when you're trying to build something or do something that doesn't feel safe and it feels vulnerable.
Vulnerability is the basis and the root of how we grow because failure equals growth.
We've heard ad nauseum all these people say,
It's okay to fail.
It's okay to fail.
Failure teaches and that's absolutely true.
I'd like to go a step further with that and just assume that we've all heard that failing leads,
And I'm not going to tell the stories about the Harry Potter books and how she sent her thing to all these different people and the one person picked it at the end and she got all these no's.
That's just understood that that's perseverance.
You have to go forward,
But how do you get to a place where you're still sending out the letter after you've heard no,
Standing up on stage when you've bombed?
How are you getting to a place where you can build the self-confidence?
One of the things that I feel is really powerful is when somebody witnesses you doing something that you're starting out at or you're uncomfortable with.
I have a friend that is in a writer's group and she was just paralyzed about writing and sharing her story and getting it.
It's fiction,
But it's loosely based on her life.
We recently chatted and she said to me,
It's so helpful to have a group that's reading your content and talking about it with you because it just builds your confidence.
Here's the thing about vulnerability,
And this is a very important thing to state.
Vulnerability and shame from Brene Brown is it depends on who you're being vulnerable with.
Please keep that in mind.
If you feel shame and you go to someone that is not capable of holding your shame and helping you through it,
That is going to re-shame you or re-trigger you.
The same thing with vulnerability.
If you're in a group where people are very judgmental and they're not emotionally intelligent and they're not coming to whatever it is that you're doing with the kindest heart,
That can be damaging.
Please let me use this as a side note of you have to be in a safe place with people that you trust and believe and love and know that they have your best interest at heart.
Or have enough self-confidence that if somebody were to say something rude or shoot you down that you say,
I'm just going to push through and weed those kind of things out.
She just loves the fact that every week they get together and one of them shares something that they've written and then they speak about it.
All that it's done is it's built her self-confidence to say with affirmations from other writers who are witnessing what is she's doing in this new space that she's in.
She gets the confidence to go,
Wow,
I'm actually a writer.
Wow,
I could actually do this.
And it's so important that we're witnessed.
Another beautiful example is I had a friend that is doing the yoga teaching and trying to figure out how to kind of go from the teaching aspect into the standing in front of people,
Putting flows together,
Using her voice and leading these people in this hour long class.
And I remember the first class that she went to,
She was so nervous and she prepared for two,
Three days and I just watched it and I watched her just push forward and just show up and do it.
And after the first class,
I saw an exponential growth of confidence because they witnessed her.
They came up to her and they affirmed.
She said,
You did really great.
I really love this.
I really like this.
And she approached it with a place of,
Tell me what you think,
Constructive criticism.
And she took that into like,
Hey,
I think you should do this.
Hey,
I think you should try this.
And she just snowballed that.
And now she's a full-time teacher and she can just go on a whim.
If you were to say,
Hey,
Let's do a hour flow now,
Is that cool?
Can you do it?
And she can lead people one-on-one and she can lead 20 people,
She can lead 30 people.
And she has that confidence now because she was witnessed.
She took in some of the criticism with a kind heart and she had positive,
Interesting,
Beautiful feedback.
And being witnessed shows you that you are that thing.
And I don't really love imposter syndrome,
But there is an element of that,
Of just fake it till you make it and put it out there.
But you're not an imposter if you put the work in.
If you put the work in and do the best that you can at that time and know that that's the best that you can.
And I'm going to talk about this with some other stuff too.
And I know I've talked about it in the past with mindful decision-making and not attaching to the outcome.
But if you've done your best to put forth the best effort and it falls short,
Like I've said before,
Then you did your best.
You did your best.
So taking that criticism and then taking that positive feedback is even more powerful and more beneficial to you because you've showed up in this new space and you are building that confidence.
So I urge you with whatever you're doing,
Find like-minded people.
If you're trying to get the self-confidence to go up and sing in a songwriter's round,
If you're trying to get the self-confidence to start the first chapter of your book,
Or buy the paints and get the easel and step up and do it,
Find some friends and maybe have an accountability group.
Get together and share with each other and have a mission statement of the group and say,
Listen,
We're all doing our best.
There's no judgment here,
But I would like to share this with you.
And the more that it's witnessed,
Especially as human beings,
Remember going back to trauma.
Literally if your trauma experience is not witnessed,
It gets stuck in your body and leads to sickness.
So let's take that up a few notches and go,
Well,
If that's the root of who we are,
Self-confidence is just a matter of being witnessed.
Self-confidence is a matter of just showing up to the best of your ability and putting it out into the world.
And then just like Seth Godin says,
Excuse me,
Just ship it.
Just ship it.
Now his thing is just ship it to the world.
I might start with just a group of people.
And he does talk about that too,
Like send it to some five friends.
But I do believe that being witnessed is the root of self-confidence.
So where do you want to be witnessed?
Who do you feel safe being witnessed by?
Do you have people in your life now?
Maybe you can be witnessed by your partner.
Maybe you can witness by your best friend.
We start out as human beings just trying to be witnessed with our emotions and then it can build to,
Well,
What is this you're putting out that's true to you that you would like to be witnessed for?
And then the self-confidence builds and you just get more true and true to your craft and more true and true to who you are and what it is your purpose is and how you show up in the world and how you want to show up in the world.
And that's really what life is about.
How do you want to show up in the world to be your true authentic self and have that be witnessed?
How do you want to show up in the world to be your true authentic self and to let that be witnessed?
That is such a powerful thing and the world would be so much better if everyone was witnessed and seen and heard.
Peace and love.
