173: The 4 Types Of Controlling Behavior & How You Can Rescue Yourself

In today's episode on The Dance of Life, Tudor shares some useful "red flags" on how to recognize when you're in a controlling situation (or maybe how you're contributing to creating one for the people around you) and rescue yourself before it gets worse.

It's not a pleasant topic, but relationships are a huge part of being happy and successful in life. Without the proper care to decide who goes and stays in our life, we run the risk of being drained and unhappy.

Transcript

This is episode 173,

The four types of controlling behavior and how to rescue yourself.

My name is Tudor Alexander and this is the Dance of Life podcast.

Every week,

My goal is to inspire you to take action towards what you love,

Live a transformed life and enjoy the journey there.

Are you ready?

Let's go.

What's up?

What's up everybody?

I'm Tudor Alexander and I'm your host,

Tudor.

I'm your host,

Tudor.

I'm your host,

Tudor.

I'm your host,

Tudor.

What's up?

What's up everybody?

Thank you so much for joining me today.

My name is Tudor Alexander and I'm your host for another episode on the dance of life.

Today,

We have an inspiring quote from Steve Maraboli,

Author of Unapologetically You,

Reflections on Life and the Human Experience.

And he says,

The truth is unless you let go,

Unless you forgive yourself,

Forgive the situation,

Unless you realize that the situation is over,

You cannot move forward.

And I love,

Love that quote for today because forgiveness is a key part to life,

To moving forward,

To being successful,

To creating space in your life.

You have to let go.

Unless you forgive,

Nothing new can happen.

You can't create anything new if you are keeping that space full with resentment,

With hanging on,

With control.

All that ties into today's episode on the four types of controlling behavior and how to rescue yourself.

We're gonna be looking at relationships.

Relationships are a huge part of everything that we do in life,

Right?

And because of that,

Understanding how to continually allow space from our end within our relationships so that they can grow,

They can change,

They can transform,

As well as,

Very important,

To continually look at the relationships in your life and see where are you being stifled?

Is there a toxic situation that you need to resolve?

Are you being abused?

And we're gonna look at abuse in a very different light in this particular episode.

And are you being controlled?

Is your creativity being stifled because of control and behavior that is not productive in the relationships that you have?

So we're gonna look at four ways that that manifests itself.

And a lot of ways that we can look at,

Basically from internal and external.

So looking at relationships within your own life that you need to prune,

As well as how you show up in those relationships.

I'm gonna mention a couple of really useful and powerful episodes that you can use as a reference to help you with this episode.

A lot of good information coming up.

So I'm super,

Super excited to jump in this episode with you guys.

If you like this kind of topic,

Make sure that you share it with one person in your life who needs to hear this message today about control,

About forgiveness,

About toxic relationships,

About moving forward.

You can also hit me up on Instagram,

Facebook at Tutor Alexander Official.

Let me know what your biggest takeaway from today was with this episode.

And with that,

It's time to jump into the four types of controlling behavior and how you can rescue yourself.

Here we go.

What's up everybody,

Welcome back to the show.

So excited to have you.

Happy new year once again.

Cars,

We have drone delivery service.

You can get your jeans mapped.

I mean,

This is a crazy time to be alive.

Absolutely crazy.

Today I wanted to share a lot of these strategies with you.

We talked about the different types of controlling behavior,

Primarily because relationships,

As you go into this year,

There's a lot of new energy and a lot of that motivation and to start something new,

To meet new people,

To start new projects,

To start new businesses,

Whatever it happens to be for you,

There's a lot of energy to start something new.

And usually when you start something new,

You involve other people.

Relationships are an integral part of our life in anything that we do.

So inevitably,

Even if you're starting a new diet plan,

Let's say something that,

Okay,

That's just for myself,

You're gonna involve other people in it.

You might involve other relationships in your trainer,

Dietician,

People around you,

What impact it's gonna have on them,

Your spouse,

Your person that you're living with,

Your roommates,

Whatever.

It's always gonna be a relationship that connects to something that you're doing.

So relationships are a big part of life,

Especially going into this year.

So knowing how to gauge our relationships and see,

Okay,

Are they toxic?

Are they useful?

Are they productive?

Am I being toxic in my relationships?

That's a big,

Big thing in my life,

Especially in the last couple months and in the last year or so,

Just learning,

Okay,

Who do I need to have in my life and who do I need to take a break from?

So that's number one.

That's the first reason.

I have two other reasons.

We're gonna go into these four types of controlling behaviors,

Very useful stuff that I've learned in my own experience,

Especially over the last 10 years.

This is what I really wanna share with you guys.

Been a lot of big breakthroughs on abuse.

You know,

Abuse,

And I don't mean,

When you hear the word abuse,

Abuse is such a strong word,

But really there's so many different types of abuse.

And one episode that I wanna point you guys to,

Episode 131 of this podcast,

I interviewed a gal named Jackie Wilson,

Who she has a whole platform about abuse and spousal abuse,

All this kind of stuff.

She has her own story.

She wrote her own book.

Really great episode if you resonate with that,

If that's in your life right now.

Her book is called Planning Your Escape.

Really good stuff.

And one of the things that I learned from that interview last year over the summer when we had it,

Was that there's so many different kinds of abuse.

Like there's financial abuse,

There's emotional,

Mental,

Spiritual abuse.

So the word abuse,

We wanna expand our definition of that because throughout our life and throughout the relationships that we engage in,

We are,

It's like that song from the Eurythmics.

You know,

Some of them wanna be abused,

That kind of thing.

You know,

We all suffer abuse and sometimes we are the abusers as well.

So that's something that you wanna continually purge from your relationships,

Purge from your life,

So that you can activate your true self,

Your highest potential.

You know,

In my own life over the last several years,

I've had to let go of a lot of people.

I've had to make a lot of decisions and stand up for myself,

Stand up for my worth.

Realize also when I'm being controlling or when I'm not creating a space for others to really be fully themselves around me.

So that's been a big journey in my life.

So this whole episode is really gonna surmise that.

I wanna give you a couple more great resources before we jump into this.

Episode 151,

There's gonna be a lot of things that we discussed today that's gonna tie into some things that you may have heard if you listen to episodes.

Basically the six red flags in business and dating,

You know,

And how to avoid them or work around them.

So six huge red flags,

Whether it's in business and dating,

Whatever kind of relationship you engage in.

There's six really big ones.

So go listen to that.

So that's gonna really reiterate some of these points when we talk about the four types of controlling behaviors.

So that's a good episode.

And then,

You know,

We talk about abuse and trauma and all these types of things.

I interviewed two of my really good friends last year in 2019 that I highly,

Highly recommend that you go check this out.

One of them is episode 137,

And it's called Healing Trauma with Wesley Fuqua.

And he is a specialist in healing trauma dramatically.

He's worked with PTSD people with a lot of really crazy abuse stories.

And then also my friend,

Lee,

Great friend,

Lee,

I always recommend her,

Episode 127.

That's Healing Trapped Emotions with Lee Madro.

You know,

She does something called the emotion code,

Which is a big part in my life.

I do that once a month with her now.

And I can tell you it's dramatically shifted my ability to handle stress,

To handle reactions,

My own trauma,

My own reactions.

You know,

We all have trauma.

And again,

Trauma is like abuse.

It's one of those words that when you hear it,

It's like,

Oh my gosh,

You know,

It's like a super serious word.

And you know,

It doesn't have to be,

Because look,

Something when you're six years old and you have the brain of a six-year-old can be very traumatic.

Like,

Let's say,

You know,

You don't get invited to the cool kids circle on the playground.

And that's like super traumatic for you because you don't understand why you're not liked.

And then that shapes who you are later in as adult and trying to please people and gain acceptance,

You know?

So trauma doesn't have to be sexual abuse,

Physical abuse,

Violence,

All these kinds of crazy things that some people experience.

And if that is you,

Then again,

I highly,

Highly recommend these two episodes,

These two people,

They're great friends of mine.

They're really,

They've done some fantastic work in that department with trauma and abuse and some of the stuff that we're gonna be talking about today.

And finally,

A big,

Big element in today's conversation is forgiveness.

So I'm giving you guys a lot of great episodes to check out.

Highly recommend these,

But another one,

And the final one I wanna recommend is episode 134.

That's gonna be the five steps to forgiveness.

That's something I put together to kind of help you look at a situation in your life and to access forgiveness,

To be able to practice it,

Because forgiveness is not always easy.

I'd say probably it's never really easy if something's really important to you.

It's hard to let go,

But you know,

As we look into the five steps and basically helping us get there,

There's a lot of reasons why you should let go.

And the first one is your health.

So that episode goes into it a lot more detail,

But check out the five steps to forgiveness.

134 is the episode number.

And you know,

With that,

The final thing is,

You know,

We talked about why this is important.

The first one is relationships are a big part of your life.

So understanding when a relationship is toxic is key to your success,

No matter what you wanna do,

What you wanna sustain this year,

What you wanna create.

The second one is that we all deal with some sort of control and abuse in our life at some point.

And I personally feel that it's kind of like a rite of passage that we have to go through until we realize our self-worth,

Because that's really what it's about.

You know,

Unless it's somebody,

You know,

Physically abusing you,

But even then,

In my own experience and in talking with a lot of other people about this,

It's a journey of self-worth.

And as you step into your self-worth,

You will also see the abusive relationships that you get into lessen and lessen over time.

And the final point for this,

The why this is so important,

I feel,

Is all this stuff is gonna help you practice acceptance,

And especially with those relationships that aren't necessarily abusive to you in your life,

But they're difficult,

They're just difficult relationships.

Maybe that's with a spouse,

Maybe that's with a parent,

Maybe that's with a sibling,

A business partner,

Whatever it is,

You know,

Learning to practice acceptance and forgiveness will help you manage those relationships much better as you strive for greater heights,

Greater goals,

More exciting new adventures in this year.

So a lot of great stuff,

And so useful,

So useful for performance.

You know,

We think about performance in our life,

And we don't go to forgiveness or healing trauma right away,

But in my own experience as an entrepreneur,

As an athlete,

Professional athlete,

I can tell you that this kind of stuff,

Being able to let go of negative emotions,

Being able to forgive,

Being able to practice gratitude and acceptance,

All this kind of stuff we always talk about,

It's so key to your performance.

You know,

If I go to practice in the morning,

And I'm like hanging on to an argument that I had with somebody from the night before,

There is no way you can get into your body physically,

Emotionally,

Mentally to perform for those next couple hours.

The same is at work,

You know,

If you have a creative job,

If you're doing something and really trying to push yourself or if you're in a job but you're trying to get another level and get promoted,

Whatever else you have to push yourself,

It's not gonna work if you're bitter and resentful and you're hanging on to,

You know,

Different things.

Or likewise,

Like the topic of this particular episode,

If you've got toxic relationships in your life that you are tolerating,

That are controlling you,

That are abusing you in various ways that we're gonna talk about in just a minute,

But it's one of those things to be constantly aware of if you want to continually grow,

To access your fullest happiness and life purpose and all of this good stuff.

So the four types of controlling behavior,

You know,

When we look at control,

First let's start with what is control?

And if you look up the definition,

It's basically to determine the behavior of something or someone.

So how do you determine someone's behavior?

Basically,

You have to set up a consequence,

Right?

So this is basic 101 psychology in the sense that you reward for good behavior and you punish for bad behavior.

So there's always a consequence to a particular behavior.

So this is our foundation here because really,

When we look at control and controlling people in your life,

Controlling behavior,

And even in your own life,

You being the controller,

This is the other angle of it,

You know,

We're not gonna just look externally,

But also internally.

There are four types of consequences and that's where the behaviors come from.

The four types of consequences to not doing what that person wants you to do.

And the first type is harm.

So basically,

If you don't do what you're supposed to,

You get harmed,

Like physically harmed,

Right?

So that's,

And these are on a sliding scale.

So the first one's harm,

The second one is loss,

The third one is blame,

And the fourth is ignorance.

So we're gonna get into all that stuff,

But think of it as on a sliding scale of intensity,

Meaning first one,

Harm,

It's like immediate physical harm,

Like you're in there's violence,

Coercion,

Physically abusive,

They can be verbally abusive,

You know,

Really harming you in a psychological sense,

Right?

So there's some sort of direct harm and pain that is being put upon you,

You know?

So the first one,

Harm,

This is like as old as it gets.

If you think about all of history,

Coercion and violence was the easiest,

Quote unquote,

And quickest way to control an outcome.

If you wanted to control a populace,

You just subverted them with the blade,

Right?

So this goes back to ancient times,

And that's a very classic way of being controlled.

If you're in this particular situation,

This is obviously something very unhealthy,

Very dangerous to your life that you need to find help immediately,

Again,

Listen to that episode 131 with Jackie Wilson,

Planning your escape,

You know,

She talks a lot of,

But she's got a whole,

So this is a big community for women who are struggling with abuse,

Who had abuse,

Who are kind of trying to get out of the situation,

So that's a great resource for you,

But in general,

You know,

Try to get out of the situation as soon as possible.

And,

You know,

If you look at your own behavior as well,

So again,

External,

Internal,

If we wanna look at our own behavior,

You know,

The thing that pops up for me first is anger.

Anger is like the root emotion when it comes to this type of controlling behavior.

You know,

There's a lot of anger that leads to violence that leads to unpredictable damage.

You know,

I've been in situations where,

You know,

One of the tough things for me was to control my anger,

And I've been in situations with other angry people,

And that just is a really bad mix,

Because if you have two angry people going at it,

You know,

It's just a recipe for disaster,

So you wanna look at your own behavior,

And this is an indirect thing,

But you know,

In my own life,

Again,

Like I said,

Anger was a big one for me too.

You know,

We all have dominant emotions.

We all have places that we go to based on our upbringing,

Based on our,

You know,

Experiences that we've had that are our,

You know,

Average emotion that we tend to relate to.

So for example,

Mine usually is anger.

If I get annoyed with something,

I don't shut down,

I get angry.

You know,

Some people,

They go to guilt,

They go to shame.

You go to worry.

Worry is another big one for me.

I tend to worry a lot,

You know,

So that's something I have to manage,

Because I picked up these things from my own parents,

And these things that you are gonna pick up from your own parents,

From the people that raised you,

From the environment that you're in.

So you have to look at your own life and see,

Okay,

How does my particular dominant emotion create the space for others to be around me?

Like if I'm angry,

Even if I'm not angry at that person,

But let's say I'm angry at a situation,

And I let that come out in my body through violent language,

Through yelling,

Through maybe throwing stuff,

You know,

In the environment,

That is not direct violence or harm to the person,

But it creates a sense of anxiety.

It creates a sense of potential harm,

Right?

So that's something that,

You know,

In some sense controls behavior,

And if you're experiencing that,

Again,

It's something to get out of right away.

So harm is the number one thing,

A type of control and behavior.

So when you look at your own behavior,

Look at your relationship to anger,

Look at the type of behavior that you have when you deal with conflict and stress,

And how that creates the space for others to feel.

Is it an open space or are you filling it with tension?

Right?

Okay,

So the second consequence,

Again,

This is on a sliding scale,

The second consequence is loss in the sense that you lose something.

You may not get harmed physically,

Emotionally,

But you lose something.

So something gets taken away.

Again,

This is like psychology 101,

You know,

Like a classic example might be parents taking away the car keys from a teenager for not,

You know,

Doing the required,

Let's say you didn't clean,

Or you got a bad grade on your report card,

We're gonna take your car keys away.

So you remove something from their environment,

That's called negative reinforcement.

So this is a classic type of punishing,

Again,

But in relationships,

One thing that I've experienced and I've seen a lot is that we take away affection,

Right?

So in the episode that we talked about with the six red flags to business and dating,

Right?

It's episode 151.

One of the things,

One of the red flags was if somebody is hot cold with you,

Right?

Somebody is hot cold with you all the time,

Meaning like they're nice and friendly when they're getting what they want,

But suddenly they're cold when they don't get what they want.

This is a huge red flag,

Right?

So consistency is key.

If somebody is consistent in the face of stress,

In the face of not getting what they want,

This is really a valuable thing in a relationship.

But if they're hot and cold,

This is a sign that there's a little bit of drama there.

There's some controlling,

Some manipulation,

Some issues that you need to resolve or get the heck out.

So when we look at loss as a consequence,

Right?

Like if you don't do this,

Then you lose X.

Usually in relationships,

It's affection,

Right?

So if we're looking at romantic relationships,

Somebody is gonna withhold affection and connection as a way to punish a particular person.

So this often happens in these classic types of relationships where you see,

You read about like,

Let's say a narcissist and an empath.

And if you subscribe to that model of relationships,

But there's usually some person that runs and some person that chases.

And in that type of codependent situation,

The person that runs,

Punishes the person that chases by withholding affection.

That's a way that we control.

So the big thing to look out for is again,

Is somebody hot and cold with you?

Are they taking away things?

Usually it's affection,

But it could be other things.

Are they taking away things to control an outcome?

Or do they communicate openly?

Do they handle not getting what they want?

Okay,

That kind of stuff.

And the solution to this,

The previous one with harm,

The solution is like literally get out of there because if somebody is violent,

That's sort of beyond the point of fixing.

If somebody has already abused you,

Like you need to get out of there.

Now,

In this case,

They haven't hurt you physically.

They're taking away stuff.

It hasn't gotten violent,

But it's still abusive.

It's emotionally abusive to punish somebody by taking away affection,

Taking away connection.

And so the solution to these types of things is first to communicate.

Stand up for yourself.

Stand up for your self-worth,

Communicate.

Say,

Hey,

I don't like when that happens.

This is how I feel.

Sit down and communicate.

And if the person is willing to change and if they're willing to be aware,

Then you have something to transform and to work on.

If they're not willing to change,

Then that is a toxic relationship that you need to get rid of because they are controlling you.

They are controlling you to get an outcome,

To make themselves feel good.

They're probably narcissistic.

They get your attention.

And the way they don't get your attention,

They're gonna punish you by removing theirs.

So those types of situations are things that we're all in.

And you'd be surprised how many of these types of relationships as we go into the next two that we deal with.

So being controlled and abused,

Again,

It doesn't have to be some crazy,

Violent,

Sexual thing.

It is these little controls,

These little snags on your energy that when you have three or four or five of these in your life,

It drains you of all creativity.

Because especially,

I don't know about you,

But for me,

Having these little situations,

Especially if you can feel that and you feel like something's not right,

If you feel like wrong or you feel bad or guilty when somebody's punishing you by withholding their affection,

Like it really drains you,

Zaps you of energy.

And that's not worth it.

Especially,

Again,

We're in a new year,

New you,

New adventures,

Creating new things.

Like you don't have time for that.

So for yourself,

Again,

We talked about external,

Internal.

So solution for this is communicate.

For yourself,

The key is look at your own behavior and see are you consistent with people?

Do you act consistently with them even when you don't get what you want?

How do you handle not getting what you want?

This is the key.

Are you hot and cold?

And if you see that you are,

Then try to be more consistent because being hot and cold puts people on their toes.

It's a controlling behavior and it doesn't allow people to be authentic with you.

We want authentic relationships in our life.

That's what it's all about.

It's better to have two or three authentic relationships in your life than five or six or seven superficial,

Inauthentic,

Codependent,

Control-based manipulating relationships.

I mean,

This is like everywhere in the world.

So go for authenticity.

Let go of the manipulative behavior both in how you tolerate it in others as well as in how you create it for others too.

So the third controlling behavior is blame,

Right?

So first one is harm.

They hurt you.

They do something to you directly.

Loss,

They take something away from you.

The third one is blame.

So that's the consequence.

So what does that mean?

That means that if you don't do the behavior,

Then the consequence is that you are made to feel wrong in some way.

So you have the blame.

So it's a socially manipulative thing.

It happens all in language and social interactions and meaning,

Right?

So again,

It's not harming you directly,

But there's a lot of psychological stuff that plays on our inherent guilt and shame.

We all have this weakness.

Since we're little kids,

At some point in that period of time growing up,

All of us had some experience where we didn't fit in,

Where we failed at something,

We did something wrong,

We did something stupid,

Whatever.

You just did something,

But then you felt stupid about it.

And then you created this thing around that situation that shapes your experiences as an adult.

Everybody has that.

Everybody who you'll ever talk to has a fear of being wrong,

Guilty,

Being ashamed,

Being singled out.

Nobody likes that in general.

So what that means is the people who know that,

They know that,

And so they use that against you to push your buttons on purpose intentionally to get what they want through passive aggressive tones,

Through body language,

Through subtexts,

Through all kinds of these manipulatory things where they know that you feel wrong.

They know that you feel guilty.

So they use blame as a consequence when you don't do the required behavior.

That kind of situation where somebody,

It's very easy for them to sling out blame and to point the blame at other people.

That's a very toxic,

Controlling situation.

So you wanna get out of that.

And the key is to communicate.

Again,

Just like the last one,

First and foremost,

You have to stand up for yourself and communicate.

Another thing is you have to forgive yourself.

Number one,

This was a big one for me because throughout my life,

I've only struggled with being wrong,

Right?

I mean,

Just failing and grew up again with my own parents,

My own household,

And being pointed out what I wasn't doing all the time.

It's not like my parents did that on purpose.

It was just something that's passed down through the generations,

Constantly pointing out what you're not doing right.

And so that also pushed me to improve myself constantly and get better,

But at the same time,

It came with the cost of being wrong and feeling so emotional when I felt like I had failed at something or done something wrong.

And so that's really taken me a lot of work.

And like I said,

Though,

In the very beginning of the episode my work with Lee Mudrow,

That was huge in helping me overcome that.

So if you struggle a lot with that,

I highly,

Highly recommend that work.

It's been a godsend in my own life to help me just chill out and to forgive myself.

Because first and foremost,

When you feel blame by somebody,

You have to realize that they're not in any power over you.

They don't have any power over you.

It feels that way because you accept their blame.

There's an old quote by the Buddha,

Or that,

I don't remember who said it,

But it was like a story.

So the Buddha goes into a village and this man is like insulting him and telling him to get out and all this kind of stuff.

And the basic idea was like,

Why are you drinking the poison and expecting somebody else to die from it?

So when you're angry,

When you're blaming somebody else,

They're just poisoning themselves.

So if somebody's blaming you and telling you you're stupid or wrong,

You fail like this and that,

They're filled with anger,

They're filled with that toxicity,

They're just poisoning themselves.

Now on the other hand,

If you allow that into your body and you allow that into your mind and spirit,

You are allowing that poison to enter yourself and poison yourself,

Right?

So the key with blame and handling this,

The first solution is forgive yourself,

Number one.

Like let go of yourself being wrong.

Like you're not wrong.

You didn't do anything wrong.

If you made a mistake,

Then you own up to that mistake and you fix it.

But then again,

Right and wrong is a very gray area.

And especially in situations where you're dealing with a controlling person,

A controlling situation,

What you'll often find is that there's a lot of gray area in these like unspoken standards,

Right?

So it's unspoken standards that you're constantly breaking,

Unspoken rules,

Inconsistent attitudes.

One minute,

It's okay to do this.

The other minute,

Oh,

Why are you doing that?

You know,

You're wrong,

Like this kind of stuff,

Right?

So that's a very manipulatory situation because somebody wants to have control,

Right?

They're afraid of clarity because clarity will actually create authenticity and they will have to let go of certain things.

But in this way,

By keeping you on your toes and having these gray areas where they can constantly blame you,

Then they're using your own guilt and shame against you to control your behavior.

So in that situation,

That's where forgiving yourself is really important.

But then the second part is standing up for yourself.

You gotta stand up and communicate.

Always seek clarity.

That's been a huge thing in my life that I've learned is like get clarity.

When I'm faced with situations like that or this kind of situation where it's like,

Oh,

Why'd you do that or this or that?

Like I communicate right away.

I said,

Look,

What is the policy here?

What is the agreement that we're both holding up?

And if that person says,

Well,

It's gonna be like this.

Okay,

Great.

So from now on in the future,

You're not allowed to pass your toxic stuff on me if that's our agreement because that's our agreement.

And if they're willing to change,

Then again,

It's all about willingness.

That's where you have to decide.

So after you do that,

After you forgive yourself,

After you communicate,

You have to decide,

Is this something that I wanna stay in?

To what extent do I wanna invest myself in this relationship?

Because if they're willing to change,

Then that's great.

That's the point of communication.

We all have these kind of tendencies to control our environment,

To get an outcome.

Since you're a little baby,

If you look at little kids that are like two,

Three,

Four years old,

They're so little and they already know how to manipulate their parents into getting what they want.

I mean,

So if they do that at that age,

It's like inbred in our genes,

It's in there from a very young age to control other people without even necessarily wanting to.

That's why you have to look within yourself as well.

So at that point,

You have to say,

Okay,

If this person's willing to change,

Then that's great.

Let's keep communicating,

Let's set new agreements,

Let's get clarity so that there's no blaming,

But rather,

Did you hold up the agreement?

Okay,

You didn't,

Then okay,

Next time we hold up the agreement and it's black and white.

There's no this heavy sense of emotional right and wrong and blame and guilt and shame that comes with manipulative relationships.

Now,

If they're not willing to change,

Then that's something that you need to stop tolerating because it's sapping you of your energy.

You need to stand up for yourself and say,

Okay,

I'm not gonna get involved in this because I recognize the part of me that's still struggling with feeling wrong.

I recognize the part of me that struggles with shame and I'm still working through that.

And while I'm working through that,

I don't need other people who are gonna purposely irritate that wound.

We all have those wounds and that's okay.

You're gonna learn to process that to forgive yourself.

That's really the whole journey there.

But that doesn't happen overnight.

That takes years,

Years of consistent attention and work and therapy,

Maybe whatever else,

Retreat experiences,

All kinds of these things,

Personal growth work.

And until you get to that point where you're able to forgive yourself easily,

You wanna minimize the forces and the influences on your life that rake that wound of shame and guilt and feeling wrong because you don't need that.

You don't need to make it worse as it's healing.

So really important.

And in your own life,

This is also again,

Going back to internal and external.

In your own life,

You gotta look and see,

Are you the person blaming others?

Is it easy for you to sling blame when something doesn't go your way?

Who are you wronging and why are you wronging them?

Watch how you blame others and make them feel.

Because again,

Look,

We all have this wound from early childhood.

Everybody has that.

There's not a single person on the planet that didn't feel incompetent,

Guilty,

Shameful,

Stupid,

Wrong when they were a kid.

There's not a single person on the planet.

That's how ego is formed.

So recognizing that,

Again,

One of the big themes in this episode was acceptance,

Is helping you accept others and yourself.

Recognizing that everybody has that.

Now the question is,

Okay,

Like to what degree do I play into that with others?

Like am I making other people's lives hard by making it very easy for me to blame?

Like right away when something goes wrong,

Like I just start slinging blame rather than staying cool,

Communicating openly,

Getting more clarity,

Right?

So when something doesn't go your way,

Instead of blaming,

Try to communicate and figure out where are things being misunderstood?

Where is there a need for more clarity,

More agreements about how things should be done rather than sticking in the gray area of shoulds and shouldn'ts and expectations and all this kind of stuff.

So really important stuff.

So we have harm,

Loss,

Blame,

And the final kind of controlling behavior or consequence is ignorance.

Now this is the final point because this,

Again,

These are all levels of intensity,

Right?

So harm was like the most intense,

Definitely if you're getting physically abused,

Like you need to recognize that and not tolerate it and get out.

Loss,

Somebody takes away something from you,

They're manipulating you through removing things from your life,

That's something you need to communicate and if not,

Then get out of there.

Blame,

Somebody who's blaming you and manipulating you emotionally and psychologically through guilt and shame.

That's something,

Again,

You need to communicate and forgive and go forward or leave that situation because it's irritating your own ability to heal.

And the final point of this is ignorance,

Right?

So in blame,

It's done intentionally.

All those ones before that,

They're very intentional.

Somebody who's harming you like they're intending to do it in a sense like they've chosen to do it.

If they're taking away affection from you,

Obviously they know they're getting something out of it because they're getting your attention when they remove affection.

If someone's blaming you intentionally,

They know that by making you feel small,

They make themselves in control,

They stabilize the situation,

That's what they've learned.

Well,

In the final situation of a controlling behavior and where somebody is ignorant,

They are like a good example would be somebody who's convinced that they're helping you.

So somebody who's very self-righteous,

In the sense that they don't see their behavior as harmful.

They're unaware of their own selfishness.

They're unaware of the fact that they're doing damage to you they're not being aware of other perspectives.

They're just super convinced in their own efforts that they need to help you change,

They need to fix you,

They need to tell you what to do,

They need all this kind of stuff.

So these are very common situations because all of us have a need to be heard.

And some of us more than others,

Right?

Or let's say this way,

Some of us have to express it in unhealthy ways.

I find personally that if somebody is playing a small game in life,

Right?

If somebody is not going for big goals,

Going for big things,

Shooting for the stars,

Right?

They have,

And they have a desire to be heard.

They have a desire to achieve something.

Everybody has this kind of desire to some extent.

Then that desire is gonna manifest itself in very small ways in their immediate environment.

Meaning their relationships,

Right?

Relationships are a huge part of our life.

They're ingrained in everything.

So when you aren't pushing yourself and channeling that energy of trying to fix and change and grow and be better and be heard and be recognized,

Be significant,

Then that energy is gonna be manifested through trying to be significant by having other people listen to you,

Right?

And telling other people what to do all the time and feeling like you're just this really super important person that knows so much that you're an expert and you are an expert on their life and having to change them in some way.

And in that sense,

They're just unaware they're ignorant.

And a big part of that,

If we refer back to the episode on the six red flags in Business and Dating,

Episode 151,

Is that they're loyal to their emotions.

This is a key component to this level of ignorance and controlling behaviors,

That they're just loyal to how they feel and what they think.

And it doesn't mean they're,

Again,

Intentionally trying to manipulate you.

They're just so loyal to their emotions and what they believe that it's impossible for them to see another perspective because they're so convinced that their perspective is right and so they have to help you and convince you of that perspective.

So it's just a level of ignorance and selfishness that oftentimes you'll experience,

Especially if you're living with people,

You're working closely with them.

We all have our beliefs that we espouse and that we go about our daily lives that are very real for us.

But unless you're in a very awake,

Conscious relationship where a person realizes,

Okay,

These are my beliefs,

But they're not universal,

Right?

You can espouse other beliefs and still get along.

Unless you're in that kind of situation,

Most of the time you're gonna run into,

Especially if you live with somebody,

You're gonna run into butting heads on the small stuff because of ignorance and because of that self-righteousness.

So this leads to the blame,

Sometimes the loss,

Sometimes harm,

Hopefully not.

But when somebody is ignorant,

Right,

First level is,

Again,

Forgive yourself and forgive them because a big part I've experienced in my own life is expectations.

You know,

When somebody is just in their own way and they don't wanna change,

A big part in that feeling of unrest,

You know,

And that feeling of restlessness in the situation is that on some level you want them to change.

You want them to be different.

And the key to that is communication.

You have to have heartfelt,

Authentic communication about,

Hey,

Look,

This isn't working.

You know,

Let's do things a little differently.

I don't like it when you do that.

Or,

You know,

This doesn't work when you behave that way.

I don't wanna do this.

I don't like it when you bring that up.

I don't like it when you make me feel wrong,

Whatever else,

Right?

And it's,

You know,

That's a skill in and of itself that's beyond the scope of this episode,

Learning to communicate effectively and not convey blame.

Because again,

When you,

It's the cycle of blame.

If somebody blames you and then you wanna communicate,

It's very important that you don't go into that communication also carrying the blame and throwing it back to them and blaming them.

Hey,

Why are you making me feel wrong?

And rather being much more open and saying,

Hey,

This is how I feel when this is being communicated to me,

Can we do it,

Can you,

Can we do it in a different way?

Can we approach this solution in a different perspective?

So that's very important.

That's a whole skill set in and of itself.

And it's something that I'm continually practicing because it's not easy.

You know,

If you get emotional,

The last thing you wanna do is communicate from that space.

But,

You know,

Forgiveness and communication are the keys to most of these.

And I would say forgiveness is the key to all of them,

Even the one with harm and abuse.

I mean,

There's so many stories of people who have been raped,

Physically abused,

You name it.

And by practicing forgiveness,

They set themselves free.

And that's so important.

I think that's the fundamental theme in all of this.

But the other side is acceptance too.

You know,

When you forgive,

You can practice acceptance.

And some people who are self-righteous,

Who aren't doing it to manipulate you,

But let's say they're just so convinced of what they're doing.

They're,

You know,

Loyal to their emotions and they're just operating a certain way and they don't wanna change.

Maybe change for them is gonna be too drastic.

You know,

Some people in the older generation,

Some people who maybe haven't had the luxury of personal growth and the kind of things that you're doing by listening to this podcast.

I'm not making any judgments,

But the point is there's people out there,

Right,

Who for the time being,

They're stuck in their ways.

And in that sense,

That will invite your forgiveness and acceptance and move on,

Right?

Because if you tolerate it and you tolerate that ignorance and you kinda just keep doing the same,

Then you're being controlled because you're gonna have a reaction to that sort of behavior trying to control you in a certain way and get an outcome from you that they feel is justified.

And as long as you tolerate that and you don't remove yourself from the situation,

You're just gonna keep getting triggered and triggered and controlled and your energy's gonna go away and you're not gonna really be able to live your best life.

So again,

To review these four types of situations,

Harm,

Loss,

Blame,

And ignorance.

Those are the four main types of behaviors that you want to continually watch out for in your own life and prune the relationships from your life that are abusive.

And again,

Abusive has a wider umbrella in this episode.

Psychologically,

Emotionally,

Spiritually,

Physically,

Obviously you wanna make sure you don't have that.

And to look at your own life.

For ignorance,

We didn't really mention it,

But for ignorance,

That's something that you wanna continually work on through personal growth work,

Like through podcasts,

Retreats,

Personal growth experiences,

Seminars,

Courses.

There's so many different things now that allow you to uncover blind spots.

So a blind spot is basically something that's ruling your behavior,

That you're acting automatically without realizing it.

And we all have blind spots.

So when somebody isn't in the work of improving themselves,

They're gonna be driven completely by their reactionary brain,

Their blind spots.

And in that sense,

It's impossible sometimes to have an effective communication because they're just not aware.

And so they're not gonna take accountability.

And in that case,

It's just,

You're moving nowhere.

So the only answer you have in that situation is to forgive and to let go because the more you hang on to it,

The more difficult it's gonna be.

Now on the converse side,

On your end,

In order for you to create a space for other people to be your best,

To have great relationships,

To let go of the impact,

The negative impact of control,

You have to continually be working on your blind spots.

I've done a lot of work through seminars,

Through books.

I'm constantly trying to read something that's gonna give me a new awareness,

Expanding our awareness to see what is something that I didn't think about before?

What is something that I didn't do before?

Oh,

Wow,

I never really saw that part of my behavior.

And part of that is pretty scary.

You start to unravel yourself and see like,

Okay,

Wow,

I'm a lot like my parents,

Or I'm very selfish,

Or I'm afraid of people not liking me.

It's like you start to see all these things and it's scary,

But then again,

You practice forgiveness and you accept it and say,

Okay,

Well,

Everybody has these problems.

I'm not unique.

And just practice self-love in the mirror every day.

I try to look when I'm doing my brush my teeth or I'm taking a shower,

Try to say positive words of affirmation,

Love yourself,

Practice self-acceptance,

Self-love.

At night,

When you're meditating before bed,

If you do that,

Practice gratitude,

Like all these things that we talk about constantly are so important.

And with ignorance,

Continually push yourself.

This is a new year.

I published an episode earlier,

It's 20 ways to change your life in 2020.

You can check it on the website.

There's a whole list there of literally like 20 powerful ways to take action and go beyond the automatic.

Don't just let it,

Don't live an automatic life.

Don't be a slave to your reactions,

To your triggers.

Continually explore and push the envelope.

Continually explore new blind spots.

See where is your automatic system of what you believe,

That you're limiting beliefs,

Your reactions,

Your emotions,

Where is that driving you and how is it not serving you in your relationships?

Because that's gonna help you be a better person for the people around you.

And likewise,

Continually look in your own life to see,

Okay,

Am I in toxic relationships right now?

Are these relationships draining me of power or are they empowering me to really kick butt in life?

So remember episode 134 on forgiveness for the five steps of forgiveness and also 127.

Highly,

Highly recommend with Lee Mudro.

It's a healing trapped emotions,

Such a great,

Great service and great gal.

She's been a huge part of my life and really manifesting everything from helping my triggers,

My own emotional triggers to even just being more creative.

Highly,

Highly recommend her.

You can check her out at leemudro.

Com.

It's L-E-E-M-U-D-R-O.

Com.

Check it out.

So hope you've enjoyed this episode.

That's the four types of controlling behaviors.

Such useful information.

Go out there in 2020 and kick some butt.

[" All right,

Everybody.

Well,

I hope you enjoyed that episode.

You know,

No matter where you find yourself today on that spectrum of relationships,

It doesn't matter because forgiveness is the key to moving forward regardless.

You know,

No matter how serious or light your type of situation is.

And we all have a variety of them.

At any given moment in time,

There's going to be a level of intensity for all of them.

Hopefully you don't have any physical abuse in your life,

But you know,

All of us have to deal,

I think,

With several of those,

The harm,

The blame,

The ignorance,

All that stuff.

I think we all deal with that on a regular basis with multiple relationships.

So,

You know,

My goal was to inspire you to let go,

You know,

To let go of where you are right now and those relationships by forgiving,

By creating space and also to stand up for yourself.

You know,

Stand up for your self worth.

This is a new year,

A new you.

I mean,

I know that sounds cliche,

But look,

Now's the time to make a change.

If there's any time ever,

It's 2020.

And now's the time to stand up for yourself.

Now's the time to look at the situations in your life.

2020 is all about vision,

Right?

Vision is,

Hindsight is 2020.

So look at your own life,

Look what you need to see and look at the situations that are not serving you.

Relationships are a huge part of your life,

As we said at the very beginning.

And if you have abusive situations,

You know,

In one area,

It's gonna leak into the rest of your life.

So we are all in those situations at one point in our life.

And my goal was to help you kind of break the ice in that in your own life through this episode.

So you can start doing some more digging,

Questioning,

Communicating,

Forgiving,

And practice acceptance,

Where you need to practice acceptance,

Practice authentic communication,

Where you need to practice it,

So you can move forward.

So you can move forward,

So this could be the best year of your life yet.

So I hope you guys have enjoyed this episode.

As always,

Don't forget to share it with at least one person in your life that needs to hear today's message about control and forgiveness and acceptance.

So important,

I think.

And if you wanna tag me on Facebook,

Instagram,

With what you got out of this episode,

I'd love to hear what you have to say.

You can put me at at Tutor Alexander,

Official.

And let's remember today's quote from Steve Maraboli,

Writer of Unapologetically You,

Reflections on Life and the Human Experience.

The truth is,

Unless you let go,

Unless you forgive yourself,

Unless you forgive the situation,

Unless you realize that the situation is over,

You cannot move forward.

Life is short,

Guys,

And when it's over,

It's over.

Don't let time pass with you holding onto resentment,

Hanging onto the past,

Judging,

Judging yourself.

You know,

Sometimes we judge ourselves and we wrong ourselves the heaviest,

Especially in my own experience,

I can relate to that.

So that was a huge lesson for me.

Forgive yourself,

Let go,

Move forward,

And enjoy.

Enjoy,

Life is meant to be enjoyed.

It's a gift and sometimes we have tests,

But enjoy.

And I hope that this is gonna be one of the best years of your life.

Thank you so much for listening.

I hope you have an amazing rest of your day.

Tune in next week on Friday as we talk about Skyrocketing Your Business Growth with my inspiring guest,

Kaz Anst.

We're gonna look at business,

We're gonna look at how to,

If you have a business,

If you're looking to start a business,

Bootstrap a business.

If you have already got a good one going and you're looking for some extra hacks to do that,

We're gonna be looking at all that stuff,

How to maximize LinkedIn,

How to automate your business,

How to bootstrap,

How to get funding.

A lot of great stuff we're gonna talk in that episode,

So make sure you check it out.

That's gonna be next Friday,

Episode 174.

And as always,

Remember that your life is a dance,

So go out there and dance it well.

For more episodes and weekly content,

Stay connected at danceoflife.

Com.

Reviews

Excellent as always, thank you Tudor for talking about this. Not an easy topic but beautifully handled. Love and blessings 💙 x

Excellent! I will listen again! Thank you

Excellent! I will listen again! Thank you

Love this Tudor! Very insightful and helpful, especially how you referenced other episodes. Thank You 💜

Exceptional
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