Go Beyond Taking Things Personally In Relationships

To what degree can you see that “taking things personally” is killing your relationship? In this episode, Tiger will review and share insights into the 7 keys to… going beyond takings things personally in relationships. This short deep dive will invite you to be radically honest with yourself, and see the real life opportunity you have to improve the quality of space you can hold for yourself and others. The natural consequence is more presence, deeper intimacy, and meaningful growth as a conscious human being.

Transcript

The suffering that we experience as a human being is the result of an innocent misunderstanding.

We are misunderstanding something about our experience that is giving rise to a misinterpretation that takes something personally that's not really personal.

We are telling a story that it means we're less than.

In believing that we are less than,

We disempower ourselves to not address the pain,

To run from the pain,

To even try and numb the pain.

You're still carrying that with you,

Which means you're still carrying a belief that you're disempowered.

This is why pain tries to get your attention in the same way that if you touch a hot stove,

The pain's there to help you,

To show you how to move in a way that's more in alignment with wellness.

Welcome to the show.

This is Holding Space for Love to be Seen.

My name is Tiger Singleton,

And I just show up here to hang out and share some insight,

Wisdom on the subject of opening up our hearts,

Fearing less and loving more.

I'm going to share some insight and wisdom,

Essentially just running my mouth.

And then after that,

I'm going to answer some questions for those who are watching live.

And as the pattern goes,

We'll end with a very short and sweet guided meditation.

Let's get right into this.

The topic today is something to the effect of go beyond taking things personally in relationships.

I'm excited to jump into this because I didn't really do any preparation other than this title and theme is an extension of a letter that I sent out a couple weeks ago called Seven Keys to Go Beyond Taking Things Personally.

And so my intention today is to hang out and go over these seven keys.

And quite honestly,

I don't even know what those seven keys are right now.

I've completely forgot about it,

But I do remember how much I enjoyed writing about it.

So it's going to be fun for me to jump into this as if I don't know.

So it's going to be a discovery for myself as well.

I will read a little bit from that letter and then also share some additional things if it comes up and that'll be the flow.

That'll be the show for today.

So welcome.

And oh,

Can we preface this a little bit?

My goodness.

Why is it so important to go beyond taking things personally?

And this is a huge topic.

It fascinates me to look at my human experience and see just how much to what degree my emotional disturbances are rooted in taking things personally that aren't actually personal.

And this is something that I invite you to investigate for yourself and see how honest you can get about it.

And if you can find emotional disturbance that isn't the result of taking something personal,

I'm excited for you to possibly see that it is taking something personal and you just don't see it.

And then as we recognize that that's happening,

It opens up a world of discovery where we ultimately realize,

Oh,

I don't need to be disturbed about this.

Why?

Because it's not personal.

And even if there is disturbance and we can't necessarily get away or get around it,

Then there's an opportunity to retreat in our attack that essentially wants to blame somebody else that we think is the cause for our emotional disturbance.

Part of the title about this being in relationships is quite on point because my goodness,

This can be the catalyst for such a disaster in relationships to not realize that we're taking something personally and subsequently acting out in a way that is drastically misunderstanding the circumstance,

Behaving in a way that's ultimately some flavor of violence,

Which is all stemming from this assumption that what we think is happening is somehow personal.

So this is a great doorway into a form of liberation.

If we can take the time to examine our experience,

Self-inquiry,

And bring a little bit of clarity into what's really happening.

So let's dive into this letter.

I enjoy the act or art of writing where I have the opportunity to invite simplicity to human challenges that often seem wildly confusing,

Painful,

And in the way of what we'd like to experience.

However,

In my sharing such things,

I cannot ignore the raw reality of being human.

My intention is not to suggest that it should be simple for you,

Or that if you're deeply struggling,

You're somehow just not getting it.

As we encounter painful emotions,

It's common for the mind to feel quite lost,

Where things become dramatically unclear and we find it difficult to even think straight.

I have immense compassion for this space,

While knowing in many cases it just takes time for such things to move and come back to a space of sanity.

In the spirit of that,

What I'm attempting to communicate in this disclaimer is that if you're deeply struggling with taking things personally,

I'm sorry,

And I understand how difficult that can be.

If you find this exploration below helpful,

The wonderful.

If not,

Then that's perfectly fine as well.

I hope you can find that place of sanity where things become clearer and you can see that what you are is fundamentally whole,

Complete,

And love.

Here are the seven keys to go beyond taking things personally in relationships.

I will read all of these keys,

And then I will go back over them,

Share a little bit about what I wrote,

And see if anything else comes up for me.

Number one,

Understand the mechanism.

Number two,

Evaluate the painful impact.

Number three,

Visualize the growth opportunity.

Number four,

Self-awareness of triggers.

Number five,

Transparent communication.

Number six,

Conscious practice and participation.

Number seven,

Emotional self-accountability.

We will just read a little bit and see how that goes.

Maybe I'll get inspired to say something else as I read.

Maybe that's what I can do,

Is I can just read this.

Is there any rule that says I can't just do that?

That I can't show up here and read you something that I think is beautiful?

Let's break the imaginary rule and do that.

Number one,

Understand the mechanism.

The mechanism of taking things personally stems from our attempt to find ourselves in the world.

We are essentially on a constant quest to look for our self-identity in what appears to be happening out there in the world.

Naturally,

This comes from the ancient question of,

Who am I?

If we are asking that question,

And we think the answer can be found out there,

Then by default,

When things happen,

We follow up with the question of,

What does this mean about me?

It can be fun and curious exercise to watch just how much you're asking that question without even realizing it.

This,

As mentioned,

Is the attempt to take things personally.

We assume what happens or doesn't happen inherently means something about us,

But only because we are looking to it to tell us something about us.

Can you see how looking for yourself in the world automatically translates to taking things personally?

The deeper question here is,

What does it mean about you other than what you imagine it means about you?

The fundamental challenge here isn't that you're trying to find yourself in the world or even in other people.

The challenge is rooted in trying to find yourself in the mind.

Everything we encounter in the world or in other people is really,

In many ways,

To encounter your thoughts about those things.

When we assume that our thoughts about those things are those things,

It's like thinking your thinking exists outside your thinking.

The meaning we think we find is not a meaning that's actually there.

It's a meaning we create.

The meaning you find isn't defined what it means about you.

Rather,

The meaning you find shows you what you already believe about yourself.

We are asking the question,

Who am I?

We're trying to find ourselves.

We're trying to understand what we are.

Therefore,

Everything we're looking at,

We're essentially telling it,

Tell me who I am.

What does this mean about me?

As life is life,

As energy dances,

We observe the cosmic light show.

We project meanings that are not really there.

Whether you get laid off from a job,

That's a happening.

The question is,

What do you think that means about you?

You see that it doesn't mean anything about you other than what you say it means about you.

Even if somebody else says it means something about you,

You're the one that has to agree that it says something about you.

If you take it personally in the way that says you're less than,

This means I'm unworthy,

Then you will suffer.

You will see yourself as inadequate.

You will see yourself as not enough because that's what your interpretation is saying.

Your interpretation says that this means I am less than,

But does it really mean that?

Even if you tell a story that says something positive about yourself,

That might feel better,

But is it really true?

The question ultimately is,

What's really true?

See if you can wrap your heart and mind around that mechanism that at the core of taking something personally,

Something happens and then we are asking,

What does this mean about me?

The invitation that I'm pointing to is to not have to ask that question.

It's like you're not clinging to it.

You're not trying to grab a hold of it.

You're not trying to find yourself in it.

You're just letting it be what it is,

Which gives you so much more space to dance with it.

It may be a more appropriate way.

Key number two,

Evaluate the painful impact.

The painful impact of taking things personally will inevitably damage every relationship in some way.

Or maybe we can say it creates a gap that prevents us from experiencing a more meaningful and joyful depth of intimacy.

Personal transformation of any kind or making meaningful progress always happens because we recognize the damage being done in our current state.

It's like we realize how much love,

Freedom,

Or joy we are denying ourselves because we are hiding from something deeply important,

Deeply true.

The more honest we can get with ourselves about this pain,

About how true it is that we are creating the experience,

Then finally doing something about it becomes more urgent.

It becomes a priority.

There is the realization that there is no other way out and the continual hiding from it will only make it worse.

This is often why transformation doesn't happen.

Our progress isn't made because we are not being honest about the pain.

We are hiding behind our stories about it being someone else's fault or hiding behind phrases like,

Oh that's just the way it is.

As it relates to evaluating the painful impact of taking things personally,

Here are seven questions to consider.

How often do the actions or words of other people I care about create feelings of irritation,

Sadness,

Or anger within me?

How often do I close down because of what I think other people are doing,

Not doing,

Saying,

Or not saying?

How much of my emotional hurt,

Present or buried within me,

Is because of what other people have done in my past?

How much time or energy do I spend thinking about the words and actions of other people while wishing in some way it was different?

How often do I experience the energy or emotion of resentment and how did or does that distract me from being focused on growing and enjoying my life?

In my intimate relationships,

How often do I interpret their words and actions to mean that I am not enough?

In my intimate relationships,

How often do I push him or her away because I'm feeling inadequate?

I get that for some,

It may be difficult to see how all of these questions relate to taking things personally.

However,

They all do in a very concrete way.

So much to say,

In the absence of taking things personally,

The things above wouldn't be a problem at all.

I love this point being made about how important it is to get in touch with the reality of pain that we experience in being human.

And part of the reason this is so important is because maybe traditionally as humans,

We spend so much time avoiding that pain.

We spend so much time distracting ourselves,

Numbing ourselves,

Running away from ourselves,

All because we're trying to avoid a pain within.

What we don't see in the most beautifully innocent and tragic way is that getting in contact with that pain is the catalyst for transformation.

Because the more you investigate the pain,

You start to see that the assumptions about the pain are not as disempowering as you think they are.

This is why we don't want to meet the pain because partly we're taking the pain personally and we're giving it a meaning about ourselves.

But the way that we interpret that pain is that it in some way disempowers our ability to function and show up.

Very plainly,

It's like we're convinced that the pain is in the way.

We're convinced that the pain is coming from an external place,

Which is to say that something outside gave us that pain.

And often we assume that that pain can't go away unless things were different or unless somebody else changes.

This is to misunderstand the nature of the pain we experience.

The liberation that leads towards transformation is the understanding that this pain isn't what I think it is and it's only there because I allow it to be there.

In a gentle way of saying,

The pain I'm experiencing is the pain that I'm creating.

And in effect,

The more I run from the pain,

The more pain I create.

And as I face and meet the pain and I understand that it's not only holding me back,

But it's also self-created,

It puts me in a place of power to do something about it.

And I think it's really fascinating to see this,

Like why we run from the pain,

Because we assume that it came from the external,

That we assume that it's beyond our capacity to deal with,

When really it's not the case at all.

And in many ways it can be a beautiful fuel to give yourself back to yourself.

Because again,

The suffering that we experience as a human being is the result of an innocent misunderstanding.

We are misunderstanding something about our experience that is giving rise to a misinterpretation that takes something personally that's not really personal.

And in our misunderstanding of taking it personally,

We are telling a story that it means we're less than.

In believing that we are less than,

We disempower ourselves.

And so to not address the pain,

To run from the pain,

To even try and numb the pain,

You're still carrying that with you,

Which means you're still carrying a belief that you're disempowered,

That you are a victim of circumstance,

That you are not whole and complete.

I mean,

The list goes on and on.

And this is why pain tries to get your attention in the same way that if you,

You know,

Touch a hot stove,

The pain's there to help you.

It's there to show you how to move in a way that's more in alignment with wellness.

And emotional pain is the same.

It's an alarm that's going off that's saying,

Hey buddy,

You're not interpreting this correctly.

You're not seeing what's true.

And you're telling all sorts of stories about yourself that are not serving your human experience.

Key number three,

Visualize the growth opportunity.

After I self-compassionately examine the pain caused by taking things personally,

It begins to make obvious what my experience might be if I didn't take things personally,

Or at least reduce my tendency to take certain things personally.

As with the natural flow of any transformation,

First we acknowledge the pain and damage,

And then we make clearer the outcome and opportunity we'd like to move into or allow.

Without such clarity,

In seeing what's realistically possible,

We won't have any direction of focus or any really good reason for moving through the inevitable challenges.

What we ultimately need to see is just how important this is,

Not only because we want to be happier,

But also because it's deeply true.

And because the pain is not only infecting our experience,

But that pain bleeds into the experience of those we care about.

Here's an important question.

What would your experience look like day to day or year by year?

If you dramatically reduced your tendency to taking things personally?

Here is a list of seven profound personal benefits I've experienced with seeing beyond the illusion of taking things personally.

Benefit number one,

I'm able to hold a genuine space of love and compassion for people in my life without being overly triggered.

This has allowed me to contribute to their growth process,

Allowing them to feel safe and deepening my heart connection with them.

Number two,

I've been much less reactionary to things that happen in my life.

And the things people do and say,

My attitude is much more about curiosity,

Rather than defensiveness.

This has made me much more available to receive insights about myself,

Others in life,

Accelerating my growth.

Number three,

People in my life have learned that I'm not quick to take things personally.

So they feel safe and sharing openly with me.

They feel my presence is a gift to them,

Where they don't have to feel guarded,

And they can just be honest.

Number four,

I'm able to hold space for the emotions that pass through me and others without feeling attacked by them.

This helps me immensely with allowing emotions to flow rather than feeling as if I'm in a constant battle.

There doesn't need to be a fight,

There's more of an ease that can gently breathe through it.

Number five,

When I do take things personally,

I don't have to take that personally.

This is like not judging myself for when I do take things personally.

It becomes a teaching moment rather than more evidence of how messed up I am.

In this,

I welcome the experience of taking things personally,

If it happens,

Because it's an opportunity to learn and grow.

Number six,

I'm much more open to be vulnerable with those close to me,

Which facilitates a deeper intimacy and connection.

This is because I'm not so afraid of their reaction,

I don't take it personally.

This openness to be vulnerable is like a deep self-acceptance that just allows myself to be real.

I can release the burden of constantly trying to be something I'm not because I'm afraid of what other people might think.

Number seven,

I'm so much less afraid of what will happen or won't happen,

And much more open to the mystery of the unknown.

In the absence of such fears,

I'm able to be much more present and engage in the life I'm living now,

Which also means I'm much more available to make real and meaningful progress.

My encouragement for you is to deeply see the pain that comes with taking things personally,

And all the problems it seems to cause.

Then,

Truly take time to imagine what your experience might look like if you weren't so inclined to take things personally.

Important point,

This isn't an exercise in beating yourself up.

That would only be an expression of taking it personally that you're taking things personally,

Which is also like worrying about being worried,

Or being afraid that you're afraid,

Or being angry that you're angry.

That's a cycle that goes nowhere.

Allow this visualization exercise to be a gift to yourself that allows you to deeply feel into the real-life possibility of growing beyond tiny confusions and limitations.

As it relates to any transformation,

It's so important to have a clarity of direction,

Which in another way is like being clear about what you would like to experience,

Or what you see as possible.

It's one thing to get in touch with the pain,

But you have to see what that pain is in the way of.

The pain is also almost like an indication that we're not fully being honest with ourselves.

The prize of meeting the pain and being more honest is connecting with more of what we crave.

It's important to,

In our honesty of looking at the pain,

Asking,

How is this my tendency to take things personally in the way of me experiencing more of what I'd like to experience?

You look honestly at your life,

At all the things you take personally,

And the disaster it creates.

There's sort of this self-responsibility and this self-accountability that says,

I need to give this some attention.

This needs to be a priority,

Because this isn't helping at all.

Then to visualize what's actually possible,

So you know the direction you're going.

This is no different from building a business or making some other form of transformation,

Where you have a clear vision of what's possible.

Sure,

You may not reach it in totality,

But you can make progress in that direction.

Let's say you take 100% of things personally,

And your goal is to take 10% of things personally.

If you make it to 70% of taking things personally,

That 30% improvement is going to have a dramatic impact on your life,

So much so that it might not matter so much to get all the way to 10%,

Because it creates some breathing room for you,

And you start experiencing more joy.

Even if you fantasize about never taking anything personally or just 10%,

That's fine.

Just see what's possible.

Start taking tiny steps in that direction.

Key number four,

Self-awareness of triggers.

If you made a list of all the ways you take things personally,

Yeah,

It might be a huge list and quickly become overwhelming.

The good news is,

We are not looking to tackle every item on a long list.

Huge progress or transformation doesn't happen because you set out to make huge progress.

It's what happens naturally as we take several tiny steps that end up equaling one big leap.

This is why commitment and devotion are so important.

What we realize is that,

In the sea of 10,

000 societal demands and the to-do list of our everyday lives,

There are some things that are simply way more important.

Self-awareness,

Self-care,

And conscious growth definitely tops the list.

Without these things as a priority,

Everything else will suffer.

This reminds me so much about my journey,

Where I used to think there were so many other important things.

This left me thinking that my heart,

My awareness,

My health,

My growth were somehow last on the list.

Naturally,

Of course,

Not only did my human collapse into more pain and suffering,

But my relationships did as well.

The key with overcoming the tendency to take things personally is becoming more self-aware of the common triggers that lead toward this undesirable experience.

The more aware you are of them,

The greater your capacity to deal with them as they arise.

It's not so much to say,

Oh yeah,

I know what they are.

More so,

It's about transforming our relationship with those triggers.

These triggers are not enemies,

They are not in your way,

They are not evidence of your unworthiness.

Rather,

They are profound learning opportunities that are there to help you see things more clearly.

We are welcoming these triggers into our life and releasing the fearful energy that tries to conquer them,

Which only leads towards hiding from them.

My recommendation is to identify three triggers that show up regularly and we can find some tiny steps and start learning from what they are attempting to teach us.

What is a trigger?

A trigger refers to an event,

Situation,

Or action that seems to cause an emotional response or reaction within us.

It can be something that pushes our buttons,

Stirs up strong emotions,

Or bring up past wounds and insecurities.

Triggers have the power to activate deep-seated patterns and beliefs,

Often leading to defensive or reactive behavior.

Here are three example questions to help draw out what your triggers might be.

Question number one.

What does my partner commonly say or do that seems to make me believe,

Think,

Or feel that I am not enough or I am unwanted?

Number two.

What do I avoid in my relationships because it brings up thoughts and feelings of not being enough?

Number three.

What common experiences have me most on edge,

Where it seems to cause me to carry around a feeling of being defensive or emotionally disturbed?

Next,

Choose three of your triggers that you can invite into your life as a genuine teacher.

The point I made in this key is about transforming your relationship with the trigger.

You can see that because it appears that the trigger disturbs you,

Which then blames the person for triggering the trigger and we think the person disturbs us,

We think that trigger is in the way.

So we develop a relationship with the trigger where we ultimately end up hiding from it,

Where we don't want to experience it.

What's not recognized though is those triggers are trying to bring up something in you that's innocently confused.

It's trying to give you an opportunity to bring clarity.

Now you can never experience benefit from this opportunity if you're not open to the trigger.

If you think the trigger is wrong,

If you think the trigger is against you,

There's no openness to dance with it.

You're doing everything you can to avoid it.

And so I'm inviting a transformation in our relationship with that.

Can we just find a space of openness in identifying these triggers and saying,

Oh wow,

I see that this is actually here to help me.

And if that's the case,

I'm going to see a lot more than if my attitude was that this trigger is an enemy.

Number five,

Transparent communication.

If we can understand the mechanism,

Key number one,

Of taking things personally,

Then we can examine these triggers and see more clearly where the misunderstanding is.

The transparent communication starts with an honest conversation with yourself about the real and deeper issue.

As you do this,

It will prepare you to have transparent communication with the people in your life that seem to be connected to your trigger or triggers.

Here are three follow-up questions that you can apply to each of your three identified triggers.

When this trigger happens,

What is the immediate reaction in my body?

What is the story I'm telling that my body is responding to?

And the story you're telling is a created meaning about yourself.

So what's the meaning being created?

Number two,

Can I truly see that I'm not responding to what is happening out there,

But rather I'm responding to my mind's interpretation,

My unconscious pattern of thinking of what I have decided this means about me?

Question number three,

If I took myself out of the equation,

If I disappeared and it was impossible that this was about me,

What else might be going on that I'm not seeing?

I love that question.

There is a profound difference between what seems to be happening and what is really happening.

Most people unconsciously assume that just because something seems to be happening,

That it is happening.

This would be like imagining that it's raining outside on a sunny day,

And then adamantly proclaiming that it's happening just because you can imagine that it is.

As with taking things personally,

We can become so adamant that something is personal,

That it means something about you,

When outside your thinking,

It doesn't mean that at all.

You see,

You can imagine a sad story and immediately feel sadness,

But that doesn't mean the sad story is happening.

Sure,

Sadness is happening,

But sadness isn't responding to life as it is.

Sadness,

And all emotions,

Are responding to the stories being told within the imagination.

Just as with watching a movie,

You can feel all sorts of things,

But the movie isn't real.

You're not even responding to the movie,

You're responding to the mind's interpretation of the movie.

Everyone will respond differently depending on the stories they are telling about what they see in the movie.

This,

Of course,

Is why some people take certain things personally,

And other people don't take those same things personally.

There are different stories being told.

In our transparent communication with others,

Depending on where that other person is in their journey and their availability to play along,

There is an opportunity to open up to them and create a more helpful environment for addressing your triggers.

Of course,

If they appear not to be open,

There are tactful ways of helping them become more open.

The beautiful thing about relationships is that it affords us the opportunity to see ourselves more clearly.

If the relationship partner also knows that,

It can be extra helpful.

Here is an example of transparent communication and relationship,

Which is very similar to how I might approach it.

My love,

I'm having a holy shit moment right now.

I'm recognizing that when you say things like,

Xyz trigger,

My mind interprets it as meaning that I'm not enough and I'm undeserving of your love.

This not only deeply hurts,

But it also distorts how I see you.

My mind tells unkind stories about you.

Something in me wants to push you away.

Oh my goodness.

I'm so sorry if you feel me doing that.

I see that I get scared and I try and protect myself,

But I can now see that it's not really because of you.

This is a re-emerging pattern of mine,

And I would like to see if I can transform it a bit.

Would you be open to helping me?

I genuinely feel there's a lot more beauty for us to experience together if I'm not so quick to take things personally.

That's a great start to a powerful relationship conversation.

Inviting a genuine partnership that focuses on growing together.

This can apply to many types of relationships,

Whether it's between spouses,

Family members,

Friends,

Or even work colleagues.

Key number six,

Conscious practice and participation.

If you want to get good at something,

Better at something,

Or make progress of any kind,

You cannot avoid the reality that it requires conscious attention.

Maybe the deeper question is,

How important is it to you?

There isn't a one size fits all approach here.

What works for me could be completely irrelevant for you.

For myself,

I've set up my work life to double as my conscious practice for growth,

Like having to write a weekly letter that explores my inner landscape and many other things.

For you,

The question is,

How can I make this a priority?

Or if you're engaging this path with a partner,

How can we make this a priority?

The concepts of devotion and commitment work well here.

As we see that something is profoundly true,

As in our hearts recognize a clear path that points towards liberation,

Something in us wants to surrender ourselves to that path.

With commitment,

It's similar.

We recognize that success or progress in a particular area will require us to make something a priority in our lives.

I wonder if,

Like for myself,

You either have or can find a genuine fascination with this discovery around taking things personally.

This fascination,

In a way,

Is like a playfully deep curiosity rather than an anxiousness that feels like you have to fix something.

The invitation is to engage this discovery and growth as a joyful opportunity rather than as some form of self-punishment.

It seems like an honest promise to say,

If you engage this practice and participation with an attitude of self-rejection,

Your heart will close and you will miss the deeper opportunity to fall in love with the process and journey.

Just as with relationship growth or even evolution into a deeper intimacy,

It doesn't just happen because we want it to happen.

We must have our hearts and attention pointed in that direction and be willing to honor that priority in our daily or weekly lives.

Here are three questions you can ask yourself that might contribute to you finding a path towards conscious and active participation when it comes to bringing more awareness and healing to your three triggers.

Question number one,

Can I schedule a regular time,

Daily or weekly,

Where I can do an honest self-evaluation of my experience with these triggers?

Question two,

Who can I talk to on a consistent basis that would be supportive of my journey and might also be interested in overcoming similar challenges?

Question three,

What are the common distractions in my life that could easily be removed and make more space for giving this my attention?

Just as the process of becoming more mature takes years and lots of life experience,

So does the process of overcoming a limitation of fear-based conditioning.

A lot of people assume that there's some sort of quick fix or some magical spiritual formula that can instantly remove such patterns of thinking,

Yet it simply doesn't work that way.

The fundamental spiritual invitation is to surrender the lower level urges or wants of our human and to devote ourselves to something higher and more soulfully rewarding.

This isn't a week-long devotion.

It's not a spiritual vacation.

It's the realization that,

Holy shit,

This will be important for the rest of my life.

Key number seven,

There are two insights here that we must hold with equal value,

To not get lost in either lofty spiritual concepts or lost in our painful emotional stories.

Insight number one,

It is deeply true that my emotional experience is not responding to what's happening in life or in others,

But rather it's responding to my interpretations of experience and the conditioned stories I'm telling.

Insight number two,

It is also deeply true that it feels like and seems like my emotions are responding to what's happening,

And that's perfectly okay and quite unavoidable at times.

It doesn't mean that I'm doing something wrong.

Often in our understandable determination to be spiritual,

We cling to profound spiritual insights and essentially start pretending to live out those insights.

This results in the repression or the act of ignoring what is sincere within us because it doesn't appear to match our interpretation of the insight.

In a simple way,

It's like seeing deeply that there's nothing to fear in reality,

So we try to convince ourselves that we are not afraid when in actuality we are.

Or we see deeply that blame is unnecessary,

So we pretend that we are not blaming when actually there is blame in our hearts.

There's a hundred more examples of this.

The deeper truth here in these profound insights is that they all point to a foundation that invites you to truly be as you are.

They invite you to release resistance that thinks your experience is somehow a mistake or that you should be doing it a different way.

They invite you to be still and embrace the authenticity of your human experience.

To truly see that there is nothing to fear also means that you don't need to be afraid of being afraid.

So if fear is genuinely there,

It can be there.

If it's true that there is nothing to blame,

Then you don't have to blame your blame.

Rather,

You can be held within what you are in a compassionate and safe space.

You see,

This is the common struggle for human beings.

The idea or assumption that there is something about themselves that is undeserving of love.

This assumption is brought with us into spirituality.

Then,

Rather than seeing the deeper opportunity to embrace the totality of what you are,

Spirituality is used as further means to avoid the totality of what you are.

The same happens in relationships as well.

People enter relationships as something to hide behind,

Rather than cultivating a relationship that slowly helps you come out of hiding.

If you enter a relationship as somewhere to hide,

You'll find yourself putting up with all manner of bullshit that you would never put up with.

If your intention were to create a container for genuine growth.

Emotional self-accountability is about honoring both sides of this coin.

The deeper spiritual insight and the raw authenticity of your human experience.

Just because I can see that my emotions are not responding to my partner's words and actions,

But are responding to my stories of taking things personally,

It doesn't mean I'm going to ignore the reality where it genuinely looks like my pain is caused by their actions.

In fact,

The reality of this apparent dance between the two is what sets the stage for a deeper intimacy,

Where a conversation can be had that honors both our human experiences.

This is just like the example of being afraid.

If I clearly see there is nothing real in life to be afraid of,

But the authenticity of my experience is to be sometimes afraid.

It's the spiritual insight about what's real and true that invites me into a safe space to explore the authenticity of my experience.

If I can find a space that's not afraid of being afraid,

Then I can be honest about being afraid,

Which means I can look honestly and sincerely at my fear.

As I look upon my fears with openness,

I then have the opportunity to watch those fears melt into the deeper truth that there is nothing to fear.

I cannot see there is nothing to fear if I'm unwilling to look at the reality of my fears.

I cannot see the reality of nothing being personal if I'm not willing to deeply acknowledge those moments where I'm taking something personally.

Let me scroll back here and see if there were any questions that arose.

Perhaps we need to think about how others person is saying whatever hurts us.

Is it really being intended as such?

Are we being selfish thinking it's about us?

Does that even make sense?

Does it make sense?

Perhaps we need to think about how the other person is saying whatever hurts us.

Is it really being intended as such?

Are we being selfish thinking it's about us?

Does that even make sense?

I'm not totally sure I get what you're saying there,

Melissa.

But in a playful way,

In a very,

Very playful way,

I invite you to see how taking things personally is selfish.

It's looking at what's happening in life and saying it's about you and it's not about you.

Right?

Like if your partner is going through a tough time and they can't see clearly and they're clearly and they're hurting and they're just saying things because they're hurting.

To make that about you is playfully selfish.

And I say playfully so that you don't use it as a way to beat yourself up.

But as an invitation to say,

Oh,

Maybe I don't need to take this personally.

Sammy says,

Hi,

Tiger.

My son has boundary issues,

Which makes me uncomfortable and triggers me.

I'm aware that I'm triggered and also that I'm taking it too hard.

His intention is actually coming from a pure place,

But I have a hard time not being bothered by it.

It's like an emotional regressive behavior.

Well,

I really recommend that you go through those seven keys.

And you see,

There's an opportunity here where you transform your relationship with the thing that used to bother you.

Right?

Because we recognize what we're being triggered.

Okay.

I'm being triggered by my son's behavior.

Okay.

Fundamentally,

After I do some digging,

Why am I bothered by that?

Oh,

Because I think his behavior means I'm not a good parent or I think his behavior means I'm not enough.

Right?

It reminds me all these stories of my inadequacy.

So,

And then I respond to his behavior with violence because I don't like seeing those stories that I have about myself.

So,

I try and regain control by controlling the trigger or the person that's doing the trigger,

Which is a form of withholding love.

Right?

So,

Because I'm taking it personally,

I'm ultimately withholding love from my son because I don't like experiencing those triggers.

And so,

The opportunity to transform the relationship here,

In a way it says,

Wow,

I now see that the way that you are and the way that it triggers me is an opportunity for me to stop withholding love from you.

It's an opportunity for me to transform how I see what is happening.

Because remember,

The trigger is a,

It's a pattern response where this thing happens and then you have a knee jerk reaction of interpretation.

And so,

The point is not to stop the behavior.

The point is to stop the repeated pattern of storytelling.

And so,

You might find it wise to just examine what other stories could I tell that don't include me taking this personally.

Right?

And maybe carry that in your back pocket.

And when that trigger happens,

Take it out of your back pocket and read it.

Right?

Start rewiring the experience.

And this is why I say,

You know,

Don't try and conquer all of the triggers.

Just pick a few and start to rewire them on the spot as they happen.

Shall we do the short and sweet guided meditation?

Welcome.

Welcome.

Welcome.

I'm going to hang out here for a few minutes and do a meditation that is specifically for people who are struggling with taking something personally.

I know how much that can suck,

But the beauty is,

Is that what you're taking personally isn't really personal.

So,

We're going to hang out for just a few minutes,

Maybe five,

Seven minutes or so,

And invite ourselves into presence and look beyond the story that thinks this means something about you.

Let's go.

Welcome to this space.

We're just going to be here for a few moments.

Can you relax with me?

Can you give yourself permission to let go of everything else for just right now and totally fall in to the present moment?

Just you and I here right now,

Hanging out.

We're going to just take three deep breaths and allow ourselves to become more and more present.

And we can just let go of all the thoughts.

Don't need to hold on to them.

Don't need to push them away.

We're just going to be here.

Let's breathe.

Whatever pain or tension you might be with,

Whatever it is that you might be taking personally,

I invite you to just recognize a profound truth.

That truth being that your tension and emotional disturbance isn't really responding to what someone said or what someone did or how things went or how they didn't go,

But it's responding to what you think it means about you.

Whether it's about what you think your future is,

Whether it's about you being enough or being loved.

See that there are these assumptions taking place,

These stories being told that are attaching a meaning that isn't really there.

We're just believing that it's true.

And that's okay.

It just hurts.

The good news is we can hang out in this moment and look beyond all those stories and see that in this moment right now,

That's not really true.

So my invitation is to breathe into reality without that story.

Just seeing that it doesn't really mean that about you.

Sure,

You might be scared.

Sure,

Maybe it's not what you wanted.

But again,

The fear and the pain is assuming that it somehow means you're not enough.

And so we're going to hang out in this moment.

We're going to take three more deep breaths and you're just going to release that story,

Release that tension and feel in to the deeper truth of what's actually happening.

And maybe what's actually happening is that you don't know what's happening and that's okay.

So let's be present.

Let's breathe and let's release some tension.

Just breathe.

Let's do three more breaths.

Yeah,

Let's breathe.

Do you see the profound difference between the life that's here right now and the story about what we think is happening,

What we think things mean and none of what we are thinking is actually happening?

Yeah,

We get lost in the mind's content.

That happens sometimes.

But the good news is,

We can take a moment,

We can be still and we can discern the difference between our imagination and reality.

Thanks for meditating with me today.

Reviews

This was excellent. Love the meditation at the end too. Thank you Tiger!

So, so helpful and profound, Tiger! I need to listen to this many, many times but for now I did ferocious note taking( my! You talk fast😀) and will use your recommendations and insights to schedule a regular self inquiry time. Thank you very much, Tiger, I deeply appreciate the heart you put into helping us and our world🤍.

your discussions seem to magically coincide with whatever i’m going through. This stuff is so informative and helpful and it really gets to the root of taking things personally. Logically I know not to take things personally and yet I still do and everything you shared helps me to discover, uncover and discard, how I make everything about me. I need to listen a couple more times, but I feel like this talk, puts me on the path of the solution and takes me out of the problem.

Wow! An entire course in 50 minutes! I deeply appreciate the work you have done, your clarity, and the way you offer it to the world 🌎 !!!