Self-Compassion: Break The CHAINS Of Criticism

Please note: This track may include some explicit language. Self-compassion is a topic I often get confused looks and head-shakes to. It is not something most of us have been taught and is often confused with narcissism and some form of laziness or not being accountable. The crazy thing is that all the research on self-compassion shows the same outcomes: better overall wellbeing, higher resilience, greater goal setting and achievement, more self-love, more happiness. But how can we actually do this? Let's explore it together!

Transcript

Wake the Fuck Up, The podcast that mingles mindfulness, Buddhism, Brain science, Evolutionary biology, And real authentic human experience. Welcome to Wake the Fuck Up. Hello, You amazing, Sweet, Powerful human beings out there in the ether. Thank you and welcome to this episode of the Wake the Fuck Up podcast with me, Your host, Tiffany Andres Myers. I am so, So overjoyed to be here with you today. This episode is one that I have alluded to many times, Maybe in every single episode before this one. And I think it's about time that we dedicate a whole episode to just this topic. What's it going to be? Maybe you guessed, Maybe you didn't. That's right, It's self compassion. So I've talked a lot in past episodes about self compassion, About how I really think it's, You know, If I had one or two things to encourage for people and this being one of the reasons I absolutely became a mindfulness coach is that I would encourage one, Self compassion, And two, Permission to have the experiences that you have and to know that they really are just human rather than being just you. Interestingly, Kristin Neff is one of the foremost researchers on self compassion. If you want to do more research yourself, I highly encourage you to look up her work, Kristin Neff, N-E-F-F. And Kristin breaks self compassion down into three key components. The first one of those being mindfulness, Right? And I've said this so many times before, We can't change what we don't see, Right? Which is why I think I have become the mindfulness lady because it's just so powerful to be able to actually see what's happening and not just at the surface, But the real deep truths that we sometimes even hide from ourselves. Like how am I in this moment? What's the story I'm creating about this experience and what's real and what do I want? And even sometimes that question, What do I want? We tend, I tend to answer immediately from the difficult emotion, You know, Like, I want you to do this thing because it'll make me feel better when really what I want is to feel loved and connected to, Right? But we can't answer any of those questions. We can't even ask the questions without being mindful, Without being present to what's happening. So that's piece number one. Piece number two of Kristin Neff's definition of self-compassion is common humanity, Right? And this piece of common humanity, It's kind of funny because it's basically the second thing that I'm saying I would advocate for as a mindfulness coach is this idea that it's not just you, That you have the permission to have your human experience, Okay? And so Kristin Neff has really built this into the definition of self-compassion that it's not just you, It's common humanity. We all experience these things. And sometimes that just that is so deeply helpful to know that we're not alone, Right? And the last piece that Kristin Neff uses to define self-compassion is we're choosing to engage in self-kindness rather than self-judgment. And this is the big one, Okay? When I talk about self-compassion, Typically what I'm referring to is the act of self-kindness, Right? And here's what I want to start by saying. Self-compassion is a fucking radical idea. I can only speak for my own experience inside my culture in the United States, But I think this is ubiquitously true for many places in the world, Though not all of them, That self-compassion is not really something we're taught. At least here in the US, We're really taught to be hard and critical of ourselves. And every time I teach self-compassion, And when I say every, My loves, I mean every, Every single time I teach self-compassion in a group, There's at least one person who is brave and courageous enough to raise their hand and say, Wait a second, If I'm kind to myself when I fuck things up, Aren't I going to get lazy or aren't I going to stop reaching towards my goals or why would I need to keep trying, Right? And this is the story that I think we're fed from so early on in our lives that we have to be hard on ourselves or we're never going to get any better. And one of the things that my wife says that I absolutely detest is she says pain is a good motivator. And I detest it because it's true, Right? Like when we're hurting, We're motivated to get ourselves out of it. But what's fascinating is all the research that has been done on self-kindness or self-compassion in contrast to self-judgment shows us that we're actually more resourced and more resilient to try again and to reach for loftier goals when we're self-kind and self-compassionate rather than self-critical. And I think that the reason for this is when we're in that place of self-criticism, If I fail at something, It means I'm a failure, Right? But when I'm in a place of self-compassion, Knowing my own worth and my own goodness and my own value, Then when I fail at something, It's not because I'm a failure, But because there's something I need to learn from the mistakes so that I can go back and try again in a better way, Right? And those two things look radically different in the human emotional experience. Being a failure and experiencing a failure are not the same thing. So I say this as an encouragement to the value of self-compassion because I think we have to start there because the story that I have to be hard on myself is so deeply ingrained for so many of us. And I want to take the next step to say that if you're listening to this episode and you feel even the smallest twinge of a desire to love yourself and to be able to be kind and compassionate to yourself, Then I want to encourage that it's probably not going to feel easy when you first start. It's going to feel weird. It's going to feel inauthentic. Not going to, It might. It might feel weird. It might feel inauthentic. It might feel like total bullshit, Right? And this is one of those things that for me and my own experience, It absolutely was a fake it till you make it, Right? It didn't come naturally to offer myself words of love and affirmation and encouragement. And you've probably heard me say them to myself now on these podcast episodes over and over again. I've been doing this work, My love, For years. And it's only in the last couple years that these things have started to pour out of me. I no longer have to think about them. And what I want to offer is when I first began my own practice of self-love and self-kindness and self-compassion, It felt like a caveat to being loved by somebody else. Like I guess I need this because there are going to be moments where no one else will love me. But my own love can never be as good as the love I get from my wife or from my friends or from my family. And I've found this in a really interesting way to be completely not true. And I want to say that most of the time what I crave is the love of those around me, Right? But in the moments where I'm really deeply hurting or I'm suffering or I'm angry, My wife can offer me love. She can assume the pain that I'm experiencing. But the only person that actually understands, The only person that really has the capacity to see and know exactly what I'm going through is me. I see it. I feel it. I experience my own hurt. And I'm the only one. So when I catch myself in a moment of deep pain, There's an authenticity that no one else can match when I say, Oh my darling, I see you. I am so, So sorry you're hurting. I'm so proud of you. You're trying so hard. I see it. Oh my God, You're breathing. You're being calm. You might get it wrong, But I see you for your efforts. No one else can see it because it's happening inside of us all the time. So this feeling even that self-love is some like secondary experience to actually being loved by others, I really didn't get the non-reality of that until I experienced it myself in a different moment and realized it's only me. It's only me that can really see myself in every single facet of my hurt, My trying, My desires, My own love. So what does engaging in self-compassion actually look like? It looks like maybe placing your hand on your heart. It looks like being willing to see yourself in your good moments and your bad and to be encouraging and loving and patient and gentle with yourself when you're in any space your mind might judge as negative or bad. I want to say that this, Like everything else we talk about in mindfulness is a practice. If it doesn't come naturally, We have to work at it. One of the beautiful things I love about the human mind is that it's changeable. So I want to say to you every single time you practice this, You are carving out that pathway for self-love and self-compassion in your mind. It's not a throw it in the wind. You do it once and it goes away. You walk that path over and over again until you can see the outline in the grass. There's no more grass. You've trudged that path so much that your path is clear to you now. And eventually you lay down asphalt and it becomes a roadway and one day it's a highway you don't even have to think about taking. And one thing I want to say about this too is if this feels unnatural for you or even if it feels in some way natural, I've found that as we begin our journey of self-compassion, It's often easier to think about what would I say to someone I love in this moment? And I have had the distinct honor and privilege of being with many of my clients in the moment that I asked them this question for the first time. And the thing that I love about being able to ask ourselves this question is if I told you to be self-compassionate, Right? Here you are, You catch yourself in a moment of suffering and I said, What would you say to yourself? What would you offer to yourself in this moment of acknowledging that you're hurting? Often the words that might come up for us are something like, Hey, You're doing a good job. I'm sorry you're hurting. You've got this. I've got your back, Right? And that feels real. It feels like an engagement of compassion. But if I ask you, Hey, Think about the person you love most in the world. And now imagine that person experiencing the same hurt, The same storylines that you are feeling now. I want you to envision them hurting in the way that you're hurting. See them sitting in front of you. Now what would you say to that person? Oh shit, It often looks so much different. If I think about the people I love most in the world and the moments that I'm hurting and they're hurting in this way, The things that come out of me are like, Oh my love, I'm so sorry. I want to be here with you. Can I hold you? I've got you. What can I do for you? You're not alone. And the feeling behind it is so much different, Right? And so I offer this to say that if you listen to this episode and you decide, Hey, I'm going to play with this practice of self-compassion, I'm going to try it. I'm going to put on the hat and wear it for a while and see what happens. And you find that you can't generate any words or feelings to offer to yourself. No experiences that come naturally. Think of someone you love. What comes up for you when you think of someone you love hurting? And then can you in that moment turn and look at yourself and offer those same words of love and affirmation to you? And again, It might not feel natural and that's okay. It's not about creating a specific feeling in that moment. It's about practicing. It's about allowing yourself to be playful and curious with the investigation of what it might be like to love yourself, To be kind and compassionate and gentle and patient with yourself in the same way that it often comes freely to give to others. The beautiful thing about this, My loves, Is that when we make our way there authentically, What we're actually doing is stepping outside of our own suffering and stepping into the role of caregiver. We're activating the compassion centers in our brain. And what does it feel like to care for someone you love that's hurting? It feels like love. It feels like the epitome of the energy of compassion. So instead of in a moment being fraught with pain and suffering, We come to feel the energy and connectedness of compassion. And the incredible thing that I'm here to echo for you is we can do this for ourselves in every single moment. And it feels just as real as the moment that someone we love offers it to us. So please, Please, My dears, Take these words. Bring them into your heart and know you deserve your own love and kindness. I'm here to tell you maybe as starting place number one, You are loved, You are worthy of love, And no amount of failure makes you any less amazing. Find yourself in every moment you are not alone. You are here, You are worthy. And know even through the airwaves that there is someone on the other side loving you even in the moments where it's hard to love yourself. Thank you so, So much for being here, For listening, And for hopefully diving into the waters and the beautiful richness of self-compassion. Until next time.

Reviews

Good message to remind ourselves of and practice. 🙏

Raw and lovely