The Social Atom: Mapping Our Relational Networks

The Social Atom is a sociometric map of the people and relationships that make up our emotional and relational world. By placing ourselves and others in physical relationship to one another, we can begin to see patterns of closeness, distance, attraction, conflict, support, and isolation that may be difficult to recognize when we are simply talking about them. Tian Dayton PhD, TEP explores the Social Atom as both a diagnostic tool and a doorway into experiential work. Once a relational pattern is visible, it can be explored, questioned, and experienced differently. For people affected by trauma, this creates opportunities to practice boundaries, connection, perspective, and choice while engaging the body and nervous system in the process of relational learning.

Transcript

The social atom. Represents a network of relationships. It's a Moranian device. It is, I think, Wonderfully diagnostic. In treatment facilities, I like to use a social atom coming into the facility, Which is like the network of relationships that landed you here. During treatment, A family of origin social atom, A frozen moment social atom, Or if you have a long-term treatment, A social atom of anything you want to explore, A moment in your life that was difficult, A relationship network that was painful, A relationship network that felt great. A moment in your life when you made a terrific decision. A moment in your life when you felt good about yourself. A moment in your life when you felt bad about yourself. You can do a social atom for anything. I like to do a future projection social atom, Which is what would you like your life to look like? Post-treatment. And a social atom of your support network. Let's do a social atom of the support network you're setting up and going to set up. So it's really a map of relationships, And it's incredibly handy. Murray Bowen actually consulted with Moreno. The social item predates the genogram. The genogram is very different. It's a history taking. The social item is fluid and it's more relationally because you You use it like a stage on the paper. I did a few years of consulting with Newport Academy, Who work with adolescents. And during COVID, These kind of creative young therapists. Who all look like teenagers to me at my age. I can't tell the difference between. But when we moved online, And the person who was hiring me, I got a phone call during the beginning of COVID, And she said, OK, So we're moving online. And I said, We're doing what? We're doing all our training at Secondary Online now. And I thought, Wow. So I said, Well, Do you have some idea of how we'll do that? No, We'll figure it out. I thought, Okay. And we figured it out. And it was a different way to work for all of us, Right? But it worked. And having this creative, Zany team. Really helped because they tried They just didn't have a lot of ideas of what they should and shouldn't do. They used, And this was the most fun, One of the most fun. They did a social at them every week. Because these kids' lives were changing every week so dramatically. And it really helped them ground. By just doing a social ad. What's your relationship network look like? Today. What is it, Next week it was completely different. And you remember. How things change and how they change quickly. And for teenagers. . . They really changed dramatically in terms of. What they needed, You know? And what they were getting. So I love that use of the social atom. I think today. . . I'd like to throw out some options. So you can do the social add-on that will be useful to you. And you'll hear other people doing the different ones. So you'll get a sense of a variety of ways of using it. I use a frozen moment social atom often and the reason I do that is because You know, I travel and train, And I particularly did that for a couple of decades, Quite a lot. I noticed at one point I was doing social atoms, People would come up on stage and they were freezing. And it went on for a period of about a year, And I think I had published a book with trauma in the title, Right? So I wasn't thinking of myself in any different terms. It was just a book and it was about what I was. But I think I was seen differently. So people, It took me a year to figure this out, But they were bringing me there. Trauma on stage, Like their worst trauma. And then we'd set it up and they would kind of free, They'd reenter the family. And because they had this idea of trauma running around their heads. They'd really freeze more. So that's why sometimes I don't really like to say we're gonna work on trauma today. Because it makes people brace up. One time kind of out of desperation. I thought, You know, Trauma's really about freezing, And I said, Why don't you just do a social anime of a moment when you really froze? When you just couldn't think of what to say, When you shut down, When your body started being activated and shut down simultaneously. Literally, It was this big room of people, All these people. I was so surprised that everybody knew that immediately. I was saying it just to try to. . . Get out of hot water. But everybody resonated to it and everybody knew that moment and those many moments. It moved me from being in charge directing their drama to them being in charge of this moment in their lives. It was just a shift. And even though I was following their lead on stage. Starting with a frozen moment put people in charge of that moment in a way that just coming on the stage and finding together what they were working on. Did not. So that's another advantage of a social atom, I think, Is that it It's a map of your own relationships, Whether it's family of origin or frozen moment, You're taking charge from the start. One way to use the social atom is just drawing it and sharing it. You don't have to turn it into any sculpture to have it be a very useful activity. So this really is good from any point. It's usable. And you can also just talk to one person on the social atom. It does not have to be turned into a sculpture or an action sociogram, As we would call it in psychodrama, Which is a sculpture. That can move into action. I would like to lead you through doing a paper and pencil social atom. Of a moment you froze, A frozen moment, Your family of origin at any point in your life. A moment of resilience, A moment when you felt terrific. Something you'd like to experience in the future. Are those enough options? Okay. So now just follow my. . . Talking and right as you go. So using circles to represent females, Triangles to represent males. Rhombus to represent a gender neutral. Locate yourself on the page anywhere and in any size that feels right to you. Next, Locate the relationships that were part of this moment or this time in life. In whatever size and relationship they are to you. In other words, If they're distant and large, Make them distant and large. If they're overlapped, They're overlapped. If they're tiny, They're tiny. Any way that they feel, A social atom. Is not just a representation of the relationships, But how they feel in relationship to you. Is that clear enough or do you have. . . Any ones that you feel like putting on. And by the way, Include your dogs. If you're including somebody who's deceased, Represent them by a broken line. Anytime. That's the beauty of it. Anytime. Or from, You know, Anywhere. A dream, Yes. Yeah, Circle, Women, Triangle, Men, Rhombus, Gender neutral. Anything else? Is share our social atom. And then you just hold it up. Maybe stand up would be good. So people can see you hold it up and say, This is me, This is the moment, And name the people in it and the situation a little bit. Kind of describe it. Who's warmed up. I don't think I'll see you guys tonight. The smallish circle is me. The smaller circle is my mother, The triangle at the bottom is my father, The giant circle is my sister, And the tiny triangle is my brother-in-law. It was my mother's birthday. My sister had. . . Postpartum depression and she got angry at me and she spent about 10 minutes ripping me to pieces. Like telling me that I sucked the air out of the room when I walked into it. That I that she hated me the day that I was born. That the day that I was born, She got the message that she wasn't important, So she hated me every day since then. And I sat there, And I knew it was postpartum, But she wouldn't stop. And no one in the room stopped her. I can even feel the vibration right now. Nobody stopped her. And she just kept going and going. And she's like, Your hair, It's all about your hair. She starts pulling her hair out. She's like, I'm losing mine. And I'm like, I'm so, All I kept saying was, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And afterwards I thought, What was I so sorry about being born? And she literally spent like 15 minutes. And it didn't stop. And I was frozen. Absolutely frozen. And I think that's why her circle's so big is because she was the one that sucked the air out of the room that day. Because I couldn't breathe. That was that day for me. Well, Thank you for sharing it. Thank you. That was beautifully shared. Thank you so much. Do you mind if we move into another one? Is that cool? Okay. I'm going through a big renovation in my house right now. And I'm living with my mother-in-law. And my husband and my two kids. And we're living there while it's being renovated. I think maybe a little more space. Sorry. Yeah. We're living there while it's being renovated. My father-in-law died. Two years ago. Is the big square around my family. Because he's just always there. The renovation was his idea and it was the last thing my husband and him talked about. Um, We lost my dog in 2020. 20. And my father-in-law in 2021. So the big is my dog, The little one is my dog. Then we got a puppy in 2022. So that's her. This is my daughter. This is me. This is my husband. No, Sorry, That's my son. This is my husband with his mom on top of him. Because she is always. Present in his life and has her hooks in him for everything. All the decisions we've been making for the house. I feel like I shouldn't even be close to here. I feel like I should be outside of the circle just because. I'm not a part of this as much as I want to be, As much as it's going to be the house that I'm going to live in with my kids. I have, I feel like I have no say. And all the little circles and things around the big circle is my family, Which lives in California. So I have no support system. Other than calling them every day and, You know, Venting. Um. And then she is estranged from her oldest son, Who's not a part of anything. But he's kind of looming in the background here with his wife. And his four kids, Because I don't know if they're ever going to come back into our lives. And when they do, How we're going to prepare for that. That's my social atom. I just want to point out. When do you learn this much this fast? I mean, It's remarkable. How much is on that social atom and your atom. I mean, Two so rich. You know? And you wanted to share. Any way you can lower that mask and get some social distancing, Just for sharing? You can take your six feet, Maybe. Thank you. Maybe stand there so you get full social distancing. Well, Thank you. So my social item is connected to joy. And it's actually connected to a psychodrama I think I did in San Antonio at the conference. And it was about. Rebirth and the drama was that I chose the time that I was, We did a drama on, The day I was born. So I was there, I had somebody play baby Jim. And then I was a witness to my birth. And. . . And I invited my son to come in and witness with me. And the beauty of it was. . . I'm going to try to sing this. So while we did this, My son and I, We sang this song to myself. And actually, The trainers knew it, Too. And it says, How could anyone ever tell you? You were anything less than beautiful. How could anyone ever tell you? You were less than whole. Everyone has to notice that your loving is a miracle. How deeply you're connected to my soul. So that was to be so. I'm set up here. Baby gym mom. My son and I, And then the leaders of these This is so cool. So the leaders then say, Now we're going to sing happy birthday to Jim. So they sang Happy Birthday to me, And as we were singing, The two adjoining rooms in the conference joined in. Yeah. And that was my experience. Thank you. So I had me, This, Myself, My son, And then I had the other rooms. And I don't know how many men and women were each one of them. Thank you. That's beautiful. So, You know. Reliving these moments. Through a social item is powerful. You can feel the power of just reliving that beautiful moment. And the power of sharing your moment. Publicly and saying that, You know. And then the clarity. Of diagramming your situation. So they can serve different purposes. I think that, And I think these were sort of three. I mean, That was almost the psychodrama you did. And this was the. . . The celebrating of something beautiful. And this was a map of what's going on that could lead to a lot of. Life shifts. So. We can share more or should we move into action now? Do you want to see what you can do with these social atoms? I want to be mindful of time, So we do. Both the social Adam and you probably want to see how this would work in a sculpture, Right? Now, There's something called a sociometric choice. And what that means is the protagonists who would like to work identify themselves. They share what they would work on, And then the group chooses, Puts a hand on the shoulder of the person who's drama. Resonates with them. The idea being there that the most identification will allow the work for the most members of the group. It works pretty well. You can also do a director's choice. I could say, Could you do a drama? Could you do a drama? Could you do a drama? You could do a self-select. Somebody would just say, I'm really warmed up and I want to do a drama. Can I have the stage? Or you could do a system selection. That would be if you're in a treatment center such as this. The system might say. . . You know, In the next couple of groups, Maybe address some of what she's been talking about in one-to-one with her mother, If it works out, Kind of thing. So those are the ways you select a protagonist. Do you want to try a group selection? And who would like to do a drama out of those of you who shared? Who would like to turn this into a sculpture? Would any of you? You'd be? You'd both be game? Okay, Do you want to stand up? Do the two of you want to stand up then? I think you said you'd be game and you said you'd be game. We sort of did yours, Yeah. Just stand up. And may I invite the group members to walk over to one of these two protagonists and just place your hand on the shoulder of the person whose work we're going to talk about. Drew you. It's a choice like drew you from here. Boom, You know. This is a vulnerable, I can feel the vulnerable, It's a vulnerable spot, Right? Sorry. Yeah. If it's okay with the protagonist. Thank you. Mm-hmm. You you We've got a lot of people not choosing. Can we ask you to choose and be part of the group? Thank you. You Now, From a psychodrama point of view, Sociometric point of view, This is very nice. Because both protagonists put themselves out there and they have a lot of choices. This is a very close thing. Visually, I'm going to count, But I think there is a little bit more over here. Can you be a counter in this group and let me know how many? And could you count in this group and let me know how many? 23. 15, 16. OK. So that's wonderful, Because each person put themselves out there and has a lot of support. What I'd like to do before we move on, I do this because it's vulnerable to put yourself out there, Right? So can you take us some moments and share with, Tell your name again. Courtney. Courtney. Why you chose her. And this feels very nice. And go ahead and do it with Sarah as well. And we'll move Sarah into action. Thank you. I find it a little heavy. Just put it over your head. Or you can see Lori maybe. Thank you. Is this okay if we move on, But do you feel you've gotten some? It feels good, Right? So this just gives both protagonists something, And those of you who didn't get to share with us. Our near protagonists do so at any point. Um. . . And Sarah, Do you want to come up and we'll. . . Okay. Yeah, I feel super good. You I want to say a little something about this social atom briefly before we move on. This one is a real map. First of all, If this is all you did, If you draw a social item, Share it, And then having the people who make the choices share, That is also enough. This does not need to be moved into action to be useful. If you use yours for a map, If you wanted to sculpt it and then sculpt a renewed version of it. Just put everybody on stage. And then. . . Process it, Talk if you want to, And then re-sculpt it. Where do you want to be vis-a-vis? And just repositioning yourself vis-a-vis the characters will create some change. So we have your, Do you have, Can we have Sarah Social Adam up here? Does anybody, You don't have to go and get it. Thanks. Thank you. So, May I hold this as your map? So significant by size and placement. The circle that's gone around quite a bit is me. The little circle is my mother. The little triangle that's been sort of done a bit is my brother-in-law. The big circle is my sister. The bigger triangle is my father. Who was technically in the kitchen but is still part of the space. And what we can notice is the largeness of your sister and the extra graphic attention paid to three roles. Yeah. And the relationship they have to each other. One circle is quite large compared to everybody else. And the smaller people are anxious and marginalized. Okay. Who could play you? In this moment. And my father, Which would be my father. So you put that in there. And. . . Thank you very much. Now, In psychodrama, Men can play women and women can play men. You can have five people play one person. It's very fluid and flexible. Yeah. Brother-in-law. Can you also play my sister? Yeah? And can you play my sister? Yeah, No, The gentleman. The gentleman to your left, Yeah. I guess I don't want to have to clean my system. Take a deep breath. Fill the stage. Okay, There we go. Yeah. Okay, Place everybody on the stage. Begin by placing yourself and then place everybody else. Can I get chairs? You do, It's your stage. You can get anything. Thank you. Sarah, Do you want more than one? Do you want more chips? You know, Actually, In psychodrama, Zerk always used to say, Let the protagonist set the scene as part of their warm-up. And let's see how that works. Thank you, Though, For being helpful. He's kidding. It's very hard not to help the protagonist, But it's part of her warm-up, And look at her. I'm dad. I'm dad, Yeah, I'm in the kitchen. You are gonna just stand here. It's looking humorous. You said it like that, Man. Looks fine. This is you frozen in this – in this situation. Sarah, I'm going to ask you to describe it with the microphone, So – yeah. Okay, The four of you, I want you to just think big, Big, Big. Squish together a little more. And you're my brother-in-law, You're gonna be small. Yeah. You're almost flat. Because you're shocked and you're terrified. Disassociating. Who is this again? My mother. May. My sister. My brother-in-law. My father's also disassociating, So he's. . . Small. So reverse roles with dad and show us the body shape, How you want to manifest this association. Reverse roles. You are now reverse roles, You're Sarah. And she's showing you how you're going to be. Gotcha. Okay. There you go. Thank you. And show, Oh sorry, Go ahead. That was really easy. Now I want to show you, You're not catching that on film, But this is a very subtle change Sarah just made. Dad had his arms like that, And she came and said, Cross your arms like this. Now that doesn't look huge to me, But to the protagonist, That shift helps to bring her into her moment. So let the protagonist lead the way. Also, It got me angry. I don't know why. Interesting. So it warmed up the. . . I'm not comfortable here. I'm very angry. Reverse rolls. Can I do that? Yes. You're showing her how to be. So let's see that, Sarah. Very demure, But disassociated. I'm going to ask you to do something just for staging's sake. We're going to do this. And show us that again, Sarah. This is disassociation of mom. It's not so obvious. It's very subtle. Very subtle. Do you want to reverse roles and show us yourself in that state? And Sarah, Can you double for yourself in that moment? Devil for yourself and say what you couldn't say then. Just let it out of your mouth. I can barely speak. I can't speak. I think that's the double. I'm numb. I can't speak. I'm so shocked right now that I can't believe she's talking to me this way. I'm unable to say anything. Why isn't someone else saying anything? Isn't anyone else shocked by this behavior? Is she just allowed to dump on me like this? Come on, Somebody say something. Hello? Am I the only one in the room? I think I better just get up and go. I think I'm gonna leave. I think I'm just gonna back away slowly, And no one will know that I'm here, And there won't be any more problems. If I just leave the room, Then she won't yell anymore, And they can have a lovely Christmas, And it'll all be fine. Leave the room and they won't know I'm here. Thank you. Here. And from this chair, I can say. . . Is there anything I'm saying here or is it just nothing? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I said nothing. I'm saying nothing. I'm saying nothing. I don't wanna. . . I am frozen. I'm frozen and I don't want it. I don't want to get you any angrier. You're already terrifying enough. You are. You're already frightening enough. I've lived with your rage my whole life, And I don't want it anymore. You want to say something to your sister? Go away. Stand up. I love you. But the way you're speaking to me is not only unhealthy for you, It's unhealthy for me and I'm done with it. I'm done. Go away. Do you want to say anything to anybody else? Or do you want to reverse roles about now? I almost want to forgive my sister. Your drama. Oh, You're in so much pain. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. It's not okay to treat me this way. It's just not okay to treat me this way. It's just not okay. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. The way, What you're doing with it isn't okay. You can't treat me like this. No. It's not okay. It's not okay. And what you're doing with it is not okay. It's not okay. It's not okay. I'm hugging you to show you I forgive you. I forgive you. Because me forgiving you has nothing to do with you. I know that sounds crazy, But it just doesn't. I need it for me. I need it for me. It's not because you're doing something better or worse or less. No. I want to be free of this moment. I want to be free of this moment. I'm forgiving to get myself out of here for good. Yep. Correct that if it's wrong. No, That's absolutely right. I need to release the anger I have at you so that I can be free of that. So that I can be light and peaceful and easy. Non-judgmental and just. . . Whole thing. It's not mine to solve. I see that. No, It's not mine to solve. It's yours and it's mine. Just so sorry. Your entrance into the world was so hard, But that just isn't about me. It just isn't. No. Your entrance into the world, Being so hard, Is not about me. A little girl and you were born my younger sister. I didn't do something to hurt you on purpose. No. You may or may not want to reverse rolls. Your call. I don't want to. I know. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. Thank you. Sir, Is there anyone else you need to talk to or want to talk to? Daddy. Daddy? I know you did everything you could do. And I know that her rage scared you as much as it scared me. And I know you did everything you could. And it's okay that you didn't step in. It's okay. Reverse rolls. Say that back to her exactly. I know it's okay that you did everything you do. I know it was not intentional. And I forgive you, And it's okay that you were not as present. You girls were my world. I did everything to keep you safe. I just didn't know what to do with your mom and your sister. They were a lot. Change positions so we can get you. Say that again. I did everything I could. Your mom's depression, Your sister's depression, Their rage was a lot. I know I should have stepped up and said things sooner and I didn't and I'm sorry. I love you. And I know you know that. This was overwhelming for me. I couldn't handle. It was overwhelming and I couldn't handle it. I worked extra hours and I worked in the yard and I worked at everything I did and I know that made me unavailable. I just wasn't present all the time. I just had to check out. Correct that if it's wrong. No. If it's right, Put it in your own words. I was just unavailable and I'm sorry. Say it again. I was just unavailable and I'm sorry. I did the best that I know how to do. It wasn't necessarily good enough, But it was the best I could come up with. Yeah, It wasn't necessarily that. The best, But it was the best that I knew how to do. I wanted you girls to be. As. Confident, As strong as I knew how to make you. You weren't boys, But I raised you to be like boys. That's what I knew. I'm sorry. Let me try a double. It might not be. Your mom's depression. I didn't know how to. Even talk to that, Or I didn't know if it was my fault, I didn't know if it was her fault, I didn't know any of it. Correct that if it's wrong. No, It's right. I didn't know I didn't know how to talk to your mom. Her postpartum became depression, Became rage, Became, I didn't know what to do with it, So I just stayed busy because. It was safer. And it wasn't fair to you guys, But I just, I didn't know any other way. I didn't know any other way. And that wasn't fair to you. I'm sorry. Reverse roll. Give her her last line, Just her last line. I know you didn't know what else to do, What I could have done, And I am sorry. I know you are, Daddy. I know that. Because of you, I actually know. What a good man is. Because of you, I have an amazing husband. I wouldn't have known what a good man was like. You weren't there, But you were there. Does that make sense? I learned how to deal with. . . Emotions and I learned how to deal with other things because of mom and Martha. I'm not mad at you anymore. You know, When I was little I got mad because I wanted you to protect me, But. . . You did the best you could, I really do believe that. You know, Just. . . If anything, I just miss you. That's all. I just miss you. His dad passed? Yeah. So what would you like to say to him? You know, The usual, I wish I just had one more day with you. I don't regret it. One minute of taking care of you. I feel so blessed that I got to sit with you when you took your last breath. I. . . I wouldn't change that for a million dollars. I miss you. And I feel good. Really lucky that I actually had you for a tag with all of them. Stuff in our lives. I still feel very lucky. And I just miss you. Let that happen. Let it come. The loss of my father has been really major for me. The loss of my father has been really hard for me. It was Zaha in 2020. And I was primary caregiver. My father. Is truly for his distance. He was a really good man. You were a really good man. You were a really good man. Because of you, I know what a good man is. And every day I think, Oh, I've got to call my dad still. I got to call you. I talk to you every day. I know you're around. And you show your presence to me regularly. I just miss you. I didn't think it would still be this strong. Three years later. And it is. Specifically when I have to navigate Martha. Thank you. Thanks for being my dad. I'm still there. Yeah, I know you are. Good? Yeah. Is there anyone else you want to say anything to? No, I actually think I'm okay. Yeah? Yeah. Okay, Let's reverse roles. And from a little bit outside this sculpture, What if you were to stand? Right about here. What. . . What do you want to say to yourself here? I'm going to ask you to stand where I'm standing just for a second. But be aware that, Here, Let's go in a, We're speaking from outside the sculpture, But I'm mindful of the stage. 20 years later. You're going to see how much you've grown. You will be able to see your sister at some point and look at her and say exactly what I just said. The way you're speaking to me right now is not only unhealthy for you, But it's unhealthy for me, So I need to leave you right now, And you'll do it. And you'll feel great, And the next day she'll come back and say, Oh my gosh, You were so right. I'm so sorry. You'll get to that place. It's gonna take a lot of work, But you'll get there. And you'll see the growth that you'll make. And you'll make peace with a lot of garbage. But it's going to require a lot of work. 24 laters you'll get there, 24 years later. Be gentle on yourself. Be really, Really gentle. Yeah, Be really gentle. Reverse rolls. Yeah, Keep it because you can talk close to me. Just give her the last line. Be gentle on yourself. Be really, Really gentle. That's probably something I'll take with me for the rest of my life. Can you? Say that again just for clarity? That's probably something I'll take with me for the rest of my life. I really need to hear that. Yeah, Can you say that again? Be gentle with yourself. Really, Really gentle. That's uh. . . You know, That Protestant work ethic that we grew up with. Hearing that's important. It doesn't always happen. If it's important. Kindness and compassion. Kind of key. Thank you. Reverse rolls. Save the last couple of lines. You're doing a good job. Kindness and compassion. Kindness and compassion. Thank you. Thank you. Tough growing up. It's tough growing up. Sometimes things get easier. And some things get harder. Some things you can let go of. And other things it's hard to let go of. The older you get, The more people leave. This plane. But you also can let go of the things that don't serve you. Can you hear? Can you hear? Here. Closer. You know what? Let's bring you out here. And just let you have a conversation right here. You're staying where you're staying. Right here with yourself. I was saying that as you get older, Some things are easier. And some things are harder. Be careful of your health. You're going to come up against some stuff that's going to be really hard to go through. And I think that's probably where you'll learn to be most gentle. You'll get through it. And it'll make you stronger. And it'll make you an amazing human being. Cause you can do it. You can do it. Become your biggest cheerleader. Because there might be times when no one else is there to do it for you. Become your biggest cheerleader because there might be times when there's no one else to do it for you. So you can do that for yourself. You can do that for yourself. You can wave the flag, Be your rock stars, Do your dance, Have your theme song, Do it all. You are that rock star. You I shocked myself with what you can do. You can do it. You've brought her out of this scene. Do you want to keep her out? Put her back in? No, I want to keep her here. Okay. Tell her that. I want to keep you here. I want to keep you. Near me. We're going to keep you close. So we can discuss things along the way. And you don't need to live in that moment anymore. No, No, No, No. No. The health stuff, You're gonna learn. To appreciate the present, And then to live in the present, And then you're going to learn to love the present. Because it's all we got. Right now. That's what you're gonna learn. Say the last things you want to say to yourself for now. Learn this now, Don't wait for the health stuff. Say the last things you want to say to yourself for now. Learn this now, Don't wait for the health stuff. Learn to live in the moment, And then learn to love the present moment. Honestly? Once it's gone, It's gone. I just don't want to let you go. Yeah. Would you like to reshape this moment with her help? Just change it, Move it into a different configuration? Yeah. Okay, Go ahead and she can come with you. All the whole thing I can do? Your stage. And Martha, You come in, Too. What I'm doing is. . . Yeah. I think I'll stop. Hug the bejesus out of her. And from here, What do you want to say? Family can be okay. Even with all the. Mess. You can work through it and be okay with the mess. And still love each other. And have family. Thank you. Thank you. Beautiful. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, Let's let you stay up here with me. Okay, Thanks everybody. I don't think we need to. Let's come up here. Bring that chair up. Now just sit here. Now Sarah's only job. Is to listen. And your job is to de-roll. And share what it was like to be in the role, Shed the role, Share what it brought up, If anything. Or share what it was like to be in the group as a witness. So take it away. Are you comfortable on your own right there? Yeah. The sensation when you were hugging me that I was sucking the life out of you. That I was just. . . Taking. Yeah. I just felt waves and waves of emotion from everyone up there. End. The fact that you were sitting there in the chair, Just, You know, Quiet, Unable to say anything really resonated with me. And I felt At the end, The way that it was resolved with everyone surrounding you and hugging you and supporting you. It was just such a beautiful thing to see. I think I had a pretty interesting experience. So initially, I felt a little bit agitated being behind people. And then it was really interesting. I started to just get really comfortable, Because I was like, Oh. No one's paying attention to me. Like, Good. So I kind of just like hung out there and then. . . Started to just become like apathetic like I just stopped caring about what was going on like in the center so Yeah, So once I started to become kind of apathetic Um, Like my attention would just kind of fade in and out. Like I wasn't really sure what was going on. I would like occasionally like try and look over and I couldn't see anything. So it would just kind of vacillate back to not caring and kind of just feeling apathetic. And by the end of it, I wasn't quite sure what was going on. You know I then when we like got up and we hugged that's when I felt like I was really connected again. And like, I felt like, Oh, Like, You know, This feels. Way, You know, I feel like more connected now, I feel like pretty good, Like this is cool. Um. . . And that was pretty much it, I think. Thank you. It's a great example of the changes you go through in the role, Right? That's what you get in the role is sometimes very. Accurate. As a part of your really big, Overwhelming sister, I felt like I was. . . Taking up too much space. I felt big. And I was very conscious of that. That felt kind of selfish. Um. . . That's Christy. When you really connected with your dad and started to feel the loss of that, I also connected with my mom. You know, That underlying core. Pain that you feel. Of the loss of a parent kind of resonating through other parts of your story. That's when I kind of broke down. I really appreciate your work. Thank you. I just really appreciated being forgiven. I didn't like the feeling of being isolated. It was a very impotent feeling as your father, And it was a very distant feeling from the family, And I was totally not present. I was staring at the floor. Arms crossed on you. Gave me a way in. And you gave me, And I'm thrilled that I spent those last breaths with you. It gave me. . . A reflection that I really did do. I don't think I really did, But I really did do the best I could. And I appreciate being, If you will. Give them that pass. So I really got to experience that. Thank you. I didn't want to play your big bad sister. As you were sitting in the chair. When we first started. And we were looming. It felt like we were looming. And I agree, It felt very powerful. And I felt angry. And as it progressed, As the forgiveness, What appeared to be and seemed to be, The forgiveness. I felt smaller. And I started lowering my hands. Say there was no reason. To be big anymore. So thanks for the opportunity. Thank you for a beautiful in-roll sharing. Thank you. Thank you for joining us. Your role play as your mother, I felt. Physically. Hercule. And hard. I don't know if it's because there was that wall. Where she wasn't available. Or if it was because I was identifying with what it felt like. To be in the presence of rage in the family with nobody to come to your rescue, Because I've been in that position. Or I'm a mother too, So the idea of not being able to access and comfort one's daughter was such an uncomfortable role to be put in. That I felt it, I physically felt. Prickled and You know, There was some. There was quite a wall there. So that, That. What it felt like to be in that role. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for letting me play you. I felt a lot of emotions all throughout when I was first sitting there. I. . . I could feel like I've definitely experienced that rage on the receiving end of that rage. And how. What do you do? It's literally, You have no words. You feel stuck and frozen, As you were saying. But then when you were. Talking to me as yourselves. I started to feel some like. . . Relief. End. Like power. And you were telling me to watch out for this. You know what? Do it now. Live in the moment. Love the moment. I just felt. . . Much more at ease. And much stronger. That's what really came to me. I was like, I feel strong and that I can do things. And then. When everyone was hugging me. It's hot. Not only supportive, But just like. Just like easy, Like easiness, Like love. Yeah, Thank you. Thank you. It's interesting to hear what somebody feels in the role when they hear things. So I'm not sharing from the role, But from my life. There is this it was a couple nights before Christmas. We were visiting some family and. My husband made this sort of offhanded joke. At the dinner table. And my cousin. Was very sensitive about the joke and just chewed him out. And this is a cousin who had a very serious health crisis as a young person. Um. . . We all sort of give her a pass on lots of things. So none of us said anything. And he recently brought it up. And I had kind of forgotten about it. It wasn't a moment that stuck in my mind, But I could see. How it still lives inside of him. And I've had a hard time. Connecting with why that was so difficult for him. And so this helped me have a lot more compassion for that moment in my life. Um. . . Just understand a little bit more of the dynamics. I'm. . . I really resonated when you were in the part talking to your dad. I grew up with. A monster. And But I'm from Texas, So the masculinity. Elevated him. He never stopped. Any of it. And He later, When I was an adult. Apologized and he said, I couldn't be around it. So he worked 80 hours, 90 hours a week. And It was really just like another level of. Healing just to see you. And your dad have that. Repair, Because my father has said he was sorry once. And he did pay for therapy, So I'm grateful for that. There was the warmth. The acknowledgement. I'm taking a piece of that with me. So thank you. Yeah, I thought that one of the things that was really clear in sort of bringing all the different participants, Members of the family, All represented at the same time is sort of those second order, Third order kind of effects, You know, Like one parent is interacting with another parent, Not realizing how that interaction is affecting a child or, You know, One sibling is interacting with another, Not realizing the pressure that puts on their parents' marriage or things like that. And I think something that became clear just kind of in watching the work you were doing is how complicated family stories can be and how valuable it is, I think, To Although maybe there is sometimes value in thinking about the relationship between someone and their father, It's very often the case that the story of someone and their father. . . And in your life? How does that work in your life? And in my life. . . Well, The relationship between me and my father is a story that has to do with a number of people, Including probably significantly his parents as well, And the way he chose to parent as a consequence of that. If there were more space on stage to get other generations in there, Maybe that could be represented in its own way. But yeah, I think, To me, There's a real value in thinking about families. All together as a unit and thinking for each of the many permutations that are possible, How each relationship actually had ancillary effects on all the others. So that was really cool to see. Thank you. And definitely you can do. Several generations. So I think for me, I was being the witness here of this whole process. And I find it so amazing. That. You come up with the answers. That you come up with. The stage, You know, And I did kind of go in and out of. Well, I could relate to that with my family. I could do that. But look how this whole thing is unfolding. And this is really amazing. That it's empowering. But so real. You're making it up, But it's real. And you're feeling it and everyone around here is sniffing. And it's so profound to watch that process. See why you love your job. It's really true. I mean, That's why I wanted to leave these comments alone because. . . They were both really astute, Watching the multi-layered thing of the families and adding the other generations. Is really astute, It's what this is. And I think witnessing that. The strangeness of Psychodrama. In putting a moment on stage. That is. It's very, It becomes realer than real. And it's fabricated. It's fabricated, But it really speaks to the mind's ability to. . . Work through metaphor, Through symbol, Through scene, You know. And these are the scenes that we carry around. Inside of us. So to have a chance, You saw Sarah play out the scene, Play out the parts of the scene, Reverse roles with parts of the scene and experience being in the other roles. Talk to herself outside the scene. Now the reason I did that partly to take that part of yourself out of the scene. Yes. Now, We wouldn't normally have the protagonist speak up, But it's a training, Right? I was just saying that having the ability to talk to myself. Was one of those moments that you always wished you could do. Like, If I were, You know, What I would say to myself when I was, I mean, I'm 54 now. I was 30 in that moment. It was like, Oh my gosh, You've got to know this. And it felt so palpable. It felt so real that I was, You've got red hair and you're, I know you're much younger than I am. So I'm like, Oh my gosh, You got to hear this right now. Like, It was really touching. Heim. Sensitive. Yes. I felt very time sensitive in that moment. This is time travel. Yeah, It really was. It really is. And you're talking to the right person at the right place at the right time from the right age. Because if you try to do it in real life now, Eh, You know, Dad's moved on, You're older, The sister lives in Cleveland, You know. But these are the moments inside of you that need repair. So if you put them on the stage and work with them, It is a remarkable And it's so easy. Psychoderm is so efficient. You can get so much accomplished. And I want you to see that I was doing less the whole time. It wasn't adding to anything, Right? Following your lead. You should feel in charge. You shouldn't feel bugged by me. I mean, How did you feel about- I felt absolutely fine. And the thing that really sort of surprised me is everything you said. I was like, Yes. I don't need to say it again, Because you just said it. It's sort of how I was feeling. I'm very used to doubling, So I understand. But I can tell. And I love directing that way, Because it doesn't. . . Let's just play for a minute and we're going to get back to it. Um Again, This is only in training. I wouldn't do this in a group, Right? But if you stand up. Here's what I don't want people to do. Is I don't want to, In a drama go, Sarah, How does that, So tell me about Mom, You should feel, Now take a deep breath, Sarah, And breathe into them. You're okay, Sarah, It's just, That's all anxiety on the part of the director, Right? And it just shuts the protagonist down, And it's intrusive, And it's disrespectful, I think. I mean, Why am I telling her all that stuff? The stage is hers. I'm the less important. She's the important part of this drama. Directors do all kinds of extra stuff that. Can feel very invasive to a protagonist. They are in a very tender state. They're going to hear you louder. They're going to feel you louder, Everything. So less is more. Directing from here and directing with the head, I don't care for it myself because it's the last place I want either of us to be is in our heads. And I don't want the role players to be in their heads either. I want everybody dropping down into the interior of the role where the healing can happen. So that's why I like to double. Because it's a way of joining. And moving things forward without having to talk in street language, Right? We're talking in psychodrama here, Language. And I always say, Does that feel right? Don't wear it if it doesn't feel right, You know? Put it in your own words if you want to, Repeat it if you want to, But always being willing. And occasionally, The protagonist will turn to you and just say, No, That doesn't do it. And you have to kind of go. Okay, You know, Correct that if it's wrong. And that is part of their process, You know? And they are in a heightened state, And you can't take it personally, Because you're just bugging them at the minute, And you're in the way of their moment, And they're going to get mad at you. But it's not really at you. It's the intrusion into them. So that's it. You did. Here, Have a seat again, Sir, Because I think we have one more witness or share. Terrific. Okay. So questions, Should we then? Okay. Sarah, You're fabulous. Thank you. Thank you. We're going to do one question, If that's okay, And then move into the next process so we have time to do the full process. My question is, I agree that this was extraordinarily powerful as were all of the demonstrations this morning, But I'm wondering, This is an audience where of the converted? We're preaching to the choir here? This is an audience where everybody is very pretty much in touch with who they are and what's going on. Thank you. Thank you. We're going to do one question, If that's okay, And then move into the next process so we have time to do the full process. So my question is, I agree that this was extraordinarily powerful as were all of the demonstrations this morning, But I'm wondering, This is an audience where Of the converted? We're preaching to the choir here? This is an audience where everybody is very pretty much in touch with who they are. So I just want to know what happens when you're dealing with people who are less connected, Who are intrigued. Well, I want to introduce a new therapeutic concept. I think a fantastic warmup. If you go on my website, Tyondayton. Com, You will find a lot of little movies, Little psychodrama videos. I. . . I had this thought. Leonard Bushnell, A friend of mine who does this thing called the Addiction Bulletin, If any of you see it, Was doing a, Asked me to do a, He does the real, Film Festival, Real Recovery Film Festival. So he asked me to present at one of those. The room was dark. It was about showing a film. Um. . . I had a little, You know, Like 13 minute, 14 minute on a letter writing psychodrama. And the room was empty. And he had said, Oh, We've got all these people coming. So 20 minutes late. Some. Like hordes of people came in. And just sat down and we were both thinking sort of, What is happening to this evening? It's gone from all the, So we decided to show the letter writing film. And. . . After that, Somebody from the audience said, Are we going to get to do that? And I looked at Leonard, And we had no intention of doing psychodrama. It was the film festival. And he said, OK, You know. And so I said, Sure, It's a letter writing exercise. And somebody said, I'll never forget it. I got me a letter here in my pocket. And she came up on stage. And the warm up in the letter writing had been so powerful a warm up in this theater, Dark theater. And she did a role play on stage that was absolutely amazing. Using a film as a warm-up. So I would say, Go on my website and pull any films that work for your situation, Your IOPs or treatment centers, Use them as warm up and do letter writing exercise. If we don't get to experiential letter writing, You will be able to read it in the book and you'll figure out how to do that. From today's training. Try that. Try using film as a warm-up. I personally think there's a whole way to do psychodrama with that, Especially when we're dealing with people who have less psychodrama training. Right, That to use a film, And I will have directed all the films, So you'll be seeing what psychodrama is. And people get so, We're such a visual culture now. It's such a warm up. And they just ask people after that to write a letter and to do experiential letter writing. And I think you will have what you want to have without having to worry about the group. This was about as inexperienced a group as you could have. They were like two weeks sober. I mean, They were very. . . But it worked. It just fit in. Because we used a movie, We used two chairs and experiential letter writing. And it was simple. And it was. Beautiful. That's my thought.