Grieving, Honoring, and Healing

In this talk and meditation, we explore the experience of grief, letting go, and healing. As we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and to soften into our experience, we begin to heal and become whole. We also unlock the transformative potential of grieving and move closer to experiencing ourselves as we are, and reality as it is. In so doing, we gravitate towards our true nature of compassion, wisdom, and love, towards the fullness of being human. 20-minute talk followed by a 25-minute guided practice.

Headphones are recommended.

Transcript

I had a request to talk a bit about working with grief,

Which is a really important topic and very useful for being human and particularly when living in the kinds of challenging times we are in now,

The uncertainty.

Because a lot of grief is about working with the uncertainty and impermanence that is part of the nature of reality.

That everything changes.

That we can't hold on to anything.

So to begin,

I'd like to start with a poem by Mary Oliver called In Blackwater Woods.

Look,

The trees are turning their own bodies into pillars of light,

Are giving off the rich fragrance of cinnamon and fulfillment.

The long tapers of cattails are bursting and floating away over the blue shoulders of the ponds and every pond,

No matter what its name is,

Is nameless now.

Every year,

Everything I have ever learned in my lifetime leads back to this.

The fires and the black river of loss,

Whose other side is salvation,

Whose meaning none of us will ever know.

To live in this world,

You must be able to do three things.

To love what is mortal.

To hold it against your bones,

Knowing your own life depends on it.

And when the time comes,

To let it go.

To let it go.

Being human,

Being alive,

Being blessed with the miracle of life,

Of being able to experience in this form,

Can be amazing,

Can be extraordinary,

Can be magical and beautiful.

And at other times,

It can be excruciating,

Can be painful.

We have to live life knowing that we are going to die someday and that everyone we love is going to die.

It's a nearly impossible situation and yet it's the nature of reality.

And besides the actual physical death,

We are all going to experience smaller deaths throughout our lives.

Deaths of aspects of ourselves,

Of who we were or thought we were.

And the amazing thing about it is that it's only through allowing space for those losses,

For letting go of it,

That we create the space within us for something new to be born.

For us to be more fully experientially present with the miracle of being and the miracle of life as it is.

For many of us,

We grow up in a culture that is not very open to death,

That wants to avoid it and shut it down.

One of the outcomes of this is that we also don't make space for grieving because to truly grieve,

We have to come to terms with what is.

And while it is difficult,

Excruciating at times,

There are also so many incredible blessings that come out of it when we allow ourselves the space to truly grieve.

And when I say grieve,

I mean that in the broadest possible way,

Both in terms of levels and severity of the losses we experience from the loss of a loved one to the loss of a job to losing a favorite sweater.

All forms of loss of things that we have cared about or loved or have been reliant on or dependent on need to be grieved,

Need to be acknowledged.

And I also mean in terms of the broadest possible interpretation for grief is the various ways in which we grieve.

Because often,

As with everything in being human,

It can occur that we think that there is some certain way that we are supposed to be or some certain way that we are supposed to feel or express grief.

And I think this is one of the most challenging aspects of working with grief and allowing space for it is that grief is one of the most complex experiences because it often encapsulates and includes all of the various emotions,

Anger,

Sadness,

Joy,

Worry,

Guilt,

Resentment,

Shame,

And beauty.

And so we have this experience that is so complex and overwhelming that touches on so many deep facets of what it means to be human and what it means to be alive.

And they're all occurring within this finite space of our physical being.

And that's part of the challenge.

And it's also part of the beauty.

And because it can be so challenging and we can often feel as though there is some certain way that we are supposed to grieve or not grieve,

We can tend to shut down what we're experiencing to try to change it into something else or to try to please others,

To try to be how we think others want us to be or need us to be.

But this does a grave disservice to ourselves,

To our experience,

And to that which we have lost.

And so one of the most important things with grief is to make space for all of it,

To make space for it to be messy,

For ourselves to be messy,

To have so many conflicting emotions and experiences occurring within us simultaneously,

To feel overwhelmed at times,

To laugh,

To cry,

Sometimes within the span of a few minutes.

It's also important to make space to allow others to be there for us.

Often we can resist even if others are offering their presence or their support.

We can resist because,

Well,

For many reasons,

But possibly because we don't want to bring them down or possibly because we feel like we have to go it alone or that they might not understand or because their very offer of presence or support brings even more awareness to the intensity of what we're feeling.

But it's so important to allow that support and connection because it's that deep connection to others that is what brings meaning to life and brings meaning to the grieving.

When we experience any form of suffering,

We have two choices in general.

We can choose to allow that experience of suffering to shut us down,

To close ourselves off to the experiences of life,

To guard and protect,

Or we can choose to do our best to stay open,

To experience all of the challenge and pain and allow it to temper us,

To show us the gifts that it is here to bring.

Because pretty much always,

Suffering has the ability to bring us so many incredible gifts if we allow it to.

You know,

As Rumi wrote,

The wound is where the light enters.

In allowing ourselves to honor our grief and our suffering,

We make space to feel that deep wound and as we do so,

It allows so much light to fill us,

To transform us from within.

In many of these talks,

I've talked about the virtues and it's often through allowing ourselves to be present to and experience suffering that the virtues are cultivated.

As horrible as it might seem at times,

It's through suffering that we cultivate our humanity,

Our compassion and wisdom.

When we allow ourselves to experience that suffering,

To grieve,

It humbles us and it allows us to become more completely present with ourselves as we are in reality as it is.

And through doing so,

It allows us to become more present with others in the world around us,

To see them more completely as they are,

With all of their beauty,

All of their hopes,

All of their pain.

The more we allow ourselves to experience our own suffering and loss as it is without judgment,

We can be present to others in their difficulties.

We can cultivate empathy.

And there's a magical quality to presence.

When someone is more fully present,

It's like a magnet and it pulls others into that state of presence as well and allows them to be more present with their experiences,

With themselves as they are.

This ties into self-compassion.

And we need a lot of self-compassion to allow ourselves to grieve,

To allow ourselves that space to be gentle with ourselves because pretty much always the instinct is to batten down the hatches,

To become hard,

To block that experience,

To not feel it,

To repress it.

And so it takes an incredible amount of self-compassion to soften,

To open to that vulnerable space of feeling all of the complex emotions that are occurring within.

And it's through that accepting of ourselves as we are in our complexity that creates the alchemical transformation,

Unveiling more and more aspects of our true nature and allowing us to move into who we are and who we are meant to be.

Many times loss is difficult because pretty much every time we lose something or someone,

It's a loss of some aspect of our self-identity because we build our sense of self-identity through our relationships in the world.

I have a sense of who I am because of my experience with the world around me and the people around me,

And particularly those people that are in close relationship to us,

Become reflections for us to know ourselves on deeper levels.

So every time we lose anything or anyone,

That's some aspect of our self,

Of our sense of self,

Of how we understand ourselves.

And that's why it's also a form of death of ourselves.

After any loss,

We are no longer who we were before.

But I truly believe that the best way to honor who we have lost or that which we have lost is to allow ourselves to feel that grief but not to be sucked in by it.

Because with grief,

With all the intensity and the emotions,

It can be easy to get caught up in the mind and start going down rabbit holes of different thoughts of guilt,

Vermouth,

Anger,

All of those different things,

Trying to look for reasons,

Trying to figure our way out of what we're experiencing.

But that doesn't honor the experience.

And so the way to work with grief is through getting into the felt sense of the body,

To step away from the mind and use our consciousness to direct our awareness into the felt sense of the body,

To being present with the moment to moment complex changing sensations,

Emotions,

Everything that's occurring and making space for it to be as it is.

And it's a practice.

It's a very deep practice to allow ourselves to enter that space of vulnerability.

But as we do so,

It transforms.

It may take days or months or years.

But as we continue softening into our experience of what's occurring,

It fundamentally transforms and it fundamentally transforms us.

Because we start knowing ourselves on deeper and deeper levels,

We start understanding reality in deeper ways.

And we start to see the true nature of everything and everyone around us.

For the practice today,

We'll do a lying down practice,

A body scan to soften into what we're experiencing.

It's all of us through being human,

Have grief,

Unresolved grief,

Unresolved hurt,

Betrayal,

Sadness,

Grief.

As we soften into the felt sense of the body,

All of our unresolved experiences,

Impressions,

Hurt,

Begin to heal.

It's the innate healing capacity of the body that is unleashed.

If you're not already lying down,

Please take a moment and find a comfortable lying down position.

If you are unable to lie down for any given reason,

Simply find a position in which you're able to relax and let go as much as possible.

Once you're in a comfortable position,

Begin to feel the stability beneath you.

Feel all of the places where your body is supported and held up.

And how this support allows you to completely relax and let go.

Bring awareness to your breath and simply observe the natural flow of the breath as it moves in and out.

It might be long or short or choppy or smooth.

Simply observe.

Now,

If you're not already lying down,

Please take a moment and find a comfortable lying down position.

Now,

Begin to bring your awareness through the body,

Starting at the top of the head,

Feeling into the scalp.

If there's any tension,

Gripping,

Guarding,

Try to soften and let it go.

Checking in with the forehead,

The eyes and their sockets,

Jaw.

Simply soften and let it go.

You can imagine the tension melting,

Sinking into the earth like compost,

Letting go of that which is not needed.

Checking in with the back of the head,

The back of the neck,

The sides of the neck,

The front of the neck.

You can use the breath.

And let go.

Bring awareness into the shoulders,

The upper arms,

The elbows,

The forearms,

The wrists,

The backs of the hands,

The palms,

The shoulders,

The palms,

The thumbs,

Index fingers,

Middle fingers,

Ring fingers,

And little finger.

And let go.

Soften into your body.

Bring awareness back to the tops of the shoulders,

To the upper back,

The mid back,

The lower back.

Allowing any tension to melt.

Let go.

Tension to melt into the earth.

The sides of the torso,

The chest.

Let go.

And let go.

Tension to melt into the chest.

The upper abdomen,

The lower abdomen.

Let go.

And let go.

Bring awareness into the hips and the glutes.

Breathing in,

Exhaling,

Softening,

Releasing.

Bringing awareness into the hamstrings,

The joints of the thighs,

Into the femur bones.

Adding the awareness into the knees.

Let go.

The calves,

The front solutions,

The ankles,

The tops of the feet.

Let go.

And let go.

The soles of the feet,

The bottoms of the feet,

The toes,

Second toes,

Third toes,

Fourth toes,

And the little toes.

Checking in with the natural flow of the breath.

Noticing if it's changed at all.

Now,

Guiding the awareness more deeply.

Bring the awareness to the brain.

Softening,

Release any tension in this vital organ.

Allowing it to melt and drip into the earth.

Bringing awareness to the lungs.

Feeling them expand and contract with the breath.

Softening,

Releasing any tension from the lungs.

Feeling the organs of the upper abdomen,

Stomach,

Spleen,

Pancreas,

Liver.

The organs of the digestive system.

Small intestine,

Large intestine.

If you find tension anywhere in these deeper recesses of your body,

Consciously soften and let go.

Now,

Guide the awareness to your heart.

Feel the physical organ of your heart.

If you can,

Notice the rhythm of the heart as it beats.

And simply soften into experiencing the heart.

If you find that there's any tension,

Gently release it with each exhale.

If you find that some part of you wants to resist,

There's no need to fight it.

Make space even for the resistance.

Begin to become aware of a stillness that underlies all the sensations in the heart.

And soften into that stillness.

And gently release it with each exhale.

And within the stillness,

Visualize a pinprick of white light.

Slowly begins to expand.

Filling the physical heart.

Till the heart itself is pure white light.

And feel it expand beyond the heart.

Throughout the chest and torso.

Feel the lungs transforming into light.

The digestive organs.

Feeling it continue to expand.

Up through the head and the brain.

Out through the shoulders and arms.

And down through the hips,

Legs and feet.

Experience your body as a whole.

As pulsating white light.

Feel it expanding beyond your body.

Into the world around you.

Up into heaven and down into the earth.

And feel it expand beyond your body.

Come back to feeling the felt sense of the body as a whole.

Experience the solidity beneath you.

Supporting you and holding you up.

Feel the air around you.

In which you are immersed.

Never separate from.

Observe the flow of the breath.

And when you are ready,

Maintain a connection to this inner stillness and light.

As you gently begin to open your eyes.

Taking in the world around you.

Perhaps wiggling your feet and hands.

Your legs and arms.

Consider gently moving to a seated position or remain laying down if you prefer.

Being human,

We will all experience loss.

We will all experience pain and various forms of suffering.

It's an intimate part of being human.

Of being alive.

And yet,

It also carries so many gifts and blessings.

When we allow ourselves to just fully experience whatever it is that is arising.

And allow it to be without thinking about it,

Without judging it,

Without wanting it to be different.

In Buddhism,

They often use the analogy of the formation of a pearl.

That when the oyster first begins to open its shell,

And a grain of sand enters,

The grain of sand scratches at the flesh within the oyster.

Just as the suffering of life scratches and tears at our hearts as we open them.

But over time,

Through opening to that suffering,

A pearl is formed.

And that's the pearl of compassion and wisdom.

The pearl of love.

That is the art of being human.

Thank you all for joining me today.

Reviews

This session was very insightful for me. During the talk I found myself thinking of all the people I would like to share this with, people that I know have suffered loss. Then it occurred to me, I was not holding space for my own loss.. I didn't realize until I listened to this how much unresolved grief I was holding on to. Thank you again Thomas for another nudge toward wholeness. I will share this with many others and I will listen again, for myself.
🙏

One of the best grief talks I've heard. Please consider using a crisper microphone to better hear your soothing voice.

Thank you so much for this beautiful guidance. It made me see and feel the light in places where I thought I lost sight.

Wow that was amazing and has helped me so much today, I am truly grateful

Excellent morning meditation this morning.Grateful with ❤️
Namaste 🙏😇

This has been needed for so long. Thank you. I’ll be listening again.

thank you for directing me to this talk/meditation. It is amazingly helpful in my time of grief— losing my husband of 35 years. I feel like putting it on repeat as it comforts and consoles me 🤍🕯️🕊⛄️

Thank you for this deeply soothing practice which goes to the heart of bleakest grief and softens the harshness of this very human experience. Namaste

This appeared on my list the day after my husband died. I’m going to use the Mary Iver poem in his memorial service. I expect I will come back to this one often. Thank you. Barbara

Thank you 🙏

Thank you so much for this meditation. Its helped me feel more grounded and open in my feelings of grief. This calming and nurturing energy is beautiful. 🙏🤍

Thank you so much. I'm in the process of grieving and this has helped me a lot!

Very helpful. Lost my 93 yr old mother last month who passed away alone in her assisted living facility. She died with covid although cause of death was Alzheimer’s. Because of the pandemic, my five siblings and I and grandchildren could only visit her through a window with a phone. She is remembered for her beauty, expressed in a ready smile, an exuberant laugh, and a deeply caring heart.

Thomas, I have been revisiting your offerings over the past month; I am in liminal space as my mother is in declension with Parkinsons. I closed with this lecture. It is very concise and poignant on a very complex matter. Placed me in mind of A Grief Observed by CS Lewis. Thank you sincerely. Please keep me abreast of any of your future offerings and endeavors. Your pedagogy truly resonates with me and aids in the cultivation of my immovable spot. A high and tipped hat to you. Terry

You are a great help to me, bless you 🙏🏻

Another amazingly interesting talk 💖 and wow, that was a powerful meditation! Thank you so much! 🙏🏼💓😘

A lovely helpful talk and practice. Thank you 😊🙏

Thomas this is so in-depth and touches on so many important aspects of grief for me resonating with my heart and spirit. Your talks before meditation always enlightening and opening a pathway. The light shining through the cracks...Thankyou as always.🙏✨💙✨🙌😌

Thank you Thomas 🙏🏼❤️