Mom Guilt

This is a casual, uplifting, and honest reflection on mom guilt. In this episode, I’m sharing perspectives on what can be considered normal for mothers, why we should feel empowered by not letting mom guilt take over our thoughts and emotions, and the actual reasons why feeling guilty about pursuing things outside of motherhood is something that needs to be removed from our consciousness. Mommy guilt, be gone!

It’s grounded in my TTJ Method and offered with love to inspire healing, insight, and your next breakthrough.

Welcome to Your Best Podcast. I’m Teemaree.

Transcript

Hello there, Beloved. This is Your Best Podcast, And I'm your best life coach, Tee Marie. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome. This is where we discover the paths and ways and opportunities where you can experience your best. Today is all about mommy guilt be gone. Mommy guilt be gone. You know, In episode 13, We talked about mommy burnout. We talked about just the experience of motherhood, And it really made me remember and feel a lot of things that I feel are just like, How do I put this? I mean, I was going to name this episode, Mommy Guilt is BS, And really use the full word. And the reason why I changed the title is because I would never want for any mother to feel like they're being judged for their emotion. But I wanted to title it that because mommy guilt really is BS in the sense that we would even need to feel that, That we would even need to, As women, Be put in situations where we feel this guilt, This guilt to be a mother and still try to pursue our career. This guilt to be a mother and still try to take care of ourselves. This guilt that, Hey, Now we're a mom and so maybe pursuing time away to have fun or to still go out with friends or to still strive for a career or for dreams is somehow a bad thing or a negative thing or a selfish thing. And I really just reflected on that. And I just had strong emotions around it because I feel so deeply for every mother. I personally know what it's like to be a mother. I have two kids. I'm now an empty nester. I became a mom at a very young age. I was a teenager when I became a mother. And so motherhood in general, I think for any stage of life is very jarring, Is very chaotic, Is very stressful, Overwhelming, Is pressure filled, Is very high stakes, Is very a lot of things. And that has nothing to do with just my own personal experience. It has everything to do with even what I see in friends and in different women experiencing motherhood at different stages and ages in their life. So I know a woman who is a successful business owner who was very dedicated to her career and became pregnant. And then everything changed for her. Everything changed for her. And the last time that I saw her, She was now in a place where she was unsure in the business world and things were different for her because it's that big of an experience. It has nothing to do with being young or not. It has everything to do with here's this huge life-changing event that there's no way we can prepare for. And that is absolutely going to change our whole world once this child comes into our lives. And even that at different stages, Right? So there's the stage of like conception and like what that means. And then there's the pregnancy and the different stages of changing in that whole experience. And even for as much as we're like, Yeah, We're parents now and wow, This is crazy. And we're moms now and like, Wow, Then the baby is out and in the world and everything changes yet again. So this thought of like just revisiting those stages in my own personal life and the emotions that I had and the hardships and the guilt and the burnout and the lack of access to resources for that just really brought a lot of like empathy and of a desire to just kind of hopefully speak a word of empowerment and of like, I see you, Man, I see you. And if you're feeling guilty as a mother, You know, Hopefully as someone that has gone a little bit ahead, Especially if you have small children, I'm an empty nester already. So my kids are full grown adults. And I can tell you with a certainty that things get better, That you won't ever and you can't get it right, That there's actually nothing to get right because every child is different. Their perspectives are different. I'm sure if you look at your siblings, You were raised in the same household with a lot of the same experiences and yet each of you has a different take, Right? So our kids are going to be the same way. And so mommy guilt be gone, Man. Mommy guilt be gone. You know, The first thing I want to say about that is that you can't be better than what you know. So if you're feeling guilty as a mother, That you're not spending enough time, That you're not as patient as you feel you should or could be, That you aren't able to just provide as much, That you aren't, There are certain things that when those awarenesses come to our attention, We can take steps, Right? And we can get better because we are powerful, Strong, Wonderful, Vibrant, Creative women, Right? And then there are certain things that it's actually hurting us to sit and engage in these thought processes, Right? So like, If it's like, Oh, I'm not earning as much as I could earn for my family. Well, Certainly we can do something about that, Right? We can do something about that. Maybe we can invest in getting better skills or maybe we can, You know, Seek a better position or a raise or a promotion. Maybe we could find out about financial investments that we can make to help us kind of make up that difference. There's things we can do, Right? But if it's like, Oh, Well, You know, I just, I just can't spend as much time as I want because I'm the sole breadwinner and, You know, I've got to go to work. Like that, Holding that thought doesn't help. You're doing an amazing thing. You're providing for your family. You're depending on how you frame it because kids take their cues from us, Right? So even that, Like holding onto that mommy guilt and saying, Oh man, I wish I was in a way as much. Well, What are we showing our children, Right? What are we showing our children? I'll often speak about how much I love HGTV and like on HGTV, It's cool because certain designers and certain renovation teams and couples, Like they'll bring their kids on the job, You know, And they'll like tell their kids, Like we're doing this for you and for us. And they make it this learning opportunity that I certainly did not have when I was like 16 years old, You know, Giving birth to kids and like I had to work two and three jobs to provide for them until I got married years later and built a wonderful family life with my phenomenal husband who then became their stepdad. But like I had no awareness of like, Hey, Bring my kids to work. My thought process was like, No, Like let them like, Like chill, Like, You know, Let them have an easier life. Like I just had a whole different perspective around that. And so that perspective then colored a lot of the decisions that I made and a lot of the ways that I looked at those things. And sometimes, Sometimes we got to let ourselves off the hook with those perspectives. We got to be willing to see a new perspective and not be judging ourselves and making ourselves feel guilty for things that we simply can't change, You know? So like if you're, If you're out there trying to support your family and like you have to work and there is no alternative, Right? And you can't bring your kids with you to work, Like that's just not happening, Right? You don't own a business. It's not a way you could kind of fold them in. Then maybe let yourself off the hook, Not because you should, But because you're worth it because you're noble, Because you're strong, Because what you're doing is amazing because you're loving those children and taking care of them and going to work. And maybe, Maybe there's an opening to how we frame that, Right? Like, Hey, Mommy loves you so much, But like, I'm going to work because we're going to be, You know, Look at all this that we have, Like, Man, Working is fun. Working is good. You know what I mean? I don't know. But I do know that like, Those are thoughts that I now see, That I now see after having raised my kids and seeing like, Oh yeah, Man, Oh, Well, Yeah. That perspective really could have kind of taken a different tone, Right, On some things. And then on other things, You know, Yeah, If we identify that there's something that we could do better, Then we can do that because we're powerful, We're strong and we're able and we're capable. If we're like, Hey, Like I need a financial advisor to help me to, You know, Like move my money in a way. So hopefully like my money could make money because I'm trying to like get as much as I can to raise my family and maybe that'll help me to shave off hours I got to be at work. That's a power move. Or, Oh, You know, Like maybe I want to, You know, I want to get those tools. I want to get those tools to like navigate motherhood easier, To not feel guilty and not feel burned out so that I can really be there and present for my kids so I can make the right choices and not like give them a bunch of time that I'm not really present with them because I'm just burned out, Because I'm just tired, Because I'm just feeling guilty, Because I just feel resentful. That's a power move. That's a powerful move. But sitting in this crazy mommy guilt, That is not good. That's got to go, Right? Because guilt is not going to empower us to do anything. It's going to actually keep us frozen and feeling like inadequate. And kids, They pick up on all that stuff. And more importantly, Every minute of our lives is worthy and important. So you deserve a better experience if you're a mom going through that, You know, You can't be better than what you know, But if you know you can do better, There's a way to get help to do better. There's hope. There's hope. My wrong beliefs, They totally hurt me. They totally hurt me. I gave some examples already, But my wrong beliefs totally hurt me. Another wrong belief that I had that was just totally, I would totally do things differently now. I really was, I wanted my kids to be with me all the time. And so I always had them with me. I didn't really, Before my husband and I got together and created that family life I spoke to you about after we got married and all that good stuff. Before that, Yes, I needed to get a babysitter because I had to work multiple jobs just to support us. Right. But even outside of that, Like I never really, I didn't take time off for me. It was always, I'm working and providing or I'm with them. That's how I structured it because I believed inherently that that was the way you had to be. And now I know, And I'm open to, And I see the power in getting help with the children. Now I know, And I'm open to realizing that that's not just for rich people. Again, I was a teenager when all this experience was happening and then a young adult. So it did feel like such a fancy and rich thing to like get help with your kids unless you really needed it to like go and work and pay the sitter for a few hours, Which even then sometimes childcare costs so much money and it just feels like this crazy investment that we're making. Right. So I know what that's like. Right. But now I'm also aware of the times where I was just like too proud to like ask for maybe a family member or a friend to help me. It just felt like they should be with me. I should take care of them. They're my kids and on and on and on. And so like part of erasing that mommy guilt is erasing those wrong attitudes. For me, It would have definitely helped me back then to know and to feel the way I do now. I really see the value, The value. It's not just something that like is good for as a mother, The mental, Emotional state and the ability to replenish the energy and kind of like go have fun and do things that are still important to be healthy mentally, Emotionally and physically, But it also actually helps the child to be away from you and to have different perspectives and to have different ways of like thinking and learning and growing and hearing and talking and engaging. It takes a village for a reason, Right? So it's really exciting to, You know, Be able to discuss this topic and to be able to hopefully bring these things to light because when in the throes of motherhood, It's oftentimes just around the clock and we can't even really like come up for air. We just can't come up for air. So having these kind of talks and especially depending on who we have around us, Right? So for me, Because of my age, My experience was an isolated one. I didn't have a mommy and me group because I was a teenager and then a young adult with small children. So I didn't have like a group of moms that I would get together. Some women have that. I think that's phenomenal. And hopefully that group is one that is matching your values and not just a bunch of women that you're around because they're kind of like in proximity because if they match your values, Then you can see like, Yeah, The woman I mentioned earlier, She has a great mommy group around her that they all believe in taking time for themselves and cool dates where they all go and get together. But everyone is having fun. The women are having fun. The men are having fun. The children are having fun together, Right? So there's things they do as women that they go out and they have fun as friends and they have this wonderful experience they're sharing. And then they also find ways to bring the whole family into it. I think that's super cool. And so like, Yeah, Being able to just get rid of the guilt by taking care of ourselves with these different methods, Getting help, Getting help, Like having the kids go with someone else is so key. Having the kids go with a trusted someone else, Family member, Friend, Like, You know, A really, Really, You know, A close trusted person is so key. It's good for their development and it's good to nurture ourselves as parents, As mothers, Right? And then there's the whole like aspect of like checking our wrong beliefs around stuff, Right? Checking our wrong beliefs around stuff. Like if we feel like we have to do it all ourselves, Like that's our source of pride and we feel like it's just our duty and all this stuff, Like, Yeah, Like sometimes there's honor in that. But most of the time, Like that thinking can really be broadened a bit to be a more enriching experience for everyone and to really just take a lot of that pressure off. And that's so key to getting rid of mommy guilt, To really just putting it away. And then we've discussed a little bit about just how important it is to really see the work that you're doing as a parent, As a mother, As honorable work, Okay? All the stages of this is honorable. It is honorable to take time away from your children to replenish, To refill your cup because you are giving to them, You are raising these human beings into the adults that they're going to be. All right? You deserve it. You deserve time away. You deserve dates with your partner. You deserve to go out. You deserve to date people if you're a single parent. You deserve to have fun. You deserve to while out and do things that just, Whew, Blow off the steam, Man, Whatever that is. You deserve to lay around on the couch and be undisturbed. Like you deserve this. So it's important to have those kind of new perspectives because that's another thing too, Depending on who we're around or what's going on in our lives, You know, We can certainly be around people, Family members, Friends, Or circles that make us feel like that is not cool. And that's where part of that guilt can creep in and it's just not good for anybody. So help is important. Help is important. All kinds of help, You know, All kinds of help. You know, Help with the kids, Babysitters, Nannies, Tutors, Teachers, Camp counselors, Whatever. Like it's good for the kids. It's good for the kids to get out, To have a wide variety of experiences, To get introduced to a wide variety of people, Of attitudes, Of ways of thinking, Of problem solving, Of communication. It's grand, You know, It's really, Really grand and it makes that child be a robust, Developed, Engaging, Wonderful person. It's a really beautiful thing. And then it's really, Really cool to, You know, Get help for yourself, To get help for yourself. What does that mean? What do you need? You know, I mean, As a life coach, As someone who helps people with their lives, With aspects of their lives, With getting their needs met, With expressing themselves more clearly, With being more confident, With getting healthier, With having a strengthened spiritual walk. Like I can tell you, As a coach, I can help in a lot of ways. Is it coaching that could help you, That could help you to navigate these waters? Is it a mommy and me group? You know, Is it the wonderful specialist that we had on in the last episode that talked about specific tools for moms dealing with burnout? What's the help? You know, What's the help, But getting that help is key and feeling worthy of that help is key. I want you to know that, You know, What you're doing is noble. You've decided to bring life into this world and now you're cultivating that life. You're teaching it, You're growing it, You're nurturing it. You're sacrificing so much of your time, Of your energy, Of your resources, Of your own life to do this. It is a noble thing that you are doing. It's okay and it's necessary for you to get help on this wonderful path that you've chosen. It's okay and it's necessary for you to take care of yourself, For you to laugh, For you to enjoy, For you to invest in you, For you to have fun, For you to do nothing, For you to sleep late, For you to eat treats, For you to go out and wow out and get your groove back and make sure that you keep it. What you're doing is good. Take care of you and let that fricking mommy guilt be gone. It's just not welcome here anymore.

Reviews

Very well said but I am way past the age of feeling guilty. I did what I did; it”s done. Thinking about it won’t change the past.