Hi,
I'm Dr.
Tara Kuzno.
I'm a psychologist and much of my work is with people who suffer from the negative effects of perfectionism.
So this is a topic that is really close to my heart.
And also because I continue to work on being a happy achiever myself,
Which speaks to the ongoing practice of learning to be kinder to oneself.
If I ask you whether you're a perfectionist,
You might say one of three things.
Either,
Oh,
Absolutely,
It's kind of my superpower,
Or maybe I beat myself up a lot when I try to achieve something.
Or,
Well,
I have high standards,
But I don't think I'm a perfectionist.
I like to think that I roll with things.
There's definitely a range.
So,
What is perfectionism?
Perfectionism,
As researchers define it,
Isn't just caring about doing good work.
It's a particular pattern really where your sense of worth is tied to your performance and where mistakes feel like verdicts,
Not just information.
Now there's a spectrum here.
On one end you have what researchers call Excellencism.
A genuine drive to do meaningful,
High-quality work.
Matt's healthy.
You can be ambitious,
Hardworking,
And care deeply about what you do without it eating you alive.
On the other end,
You have perfectionism in its more painful form.
They're relentless.
Self-evaluation,
The fear of failure.
So big that it might cause procrastination or workaholism,
Overworking.
The impossibly high standards are applied not just to what you do,
But who you are.
Think of it this way.
Excellence energizes.
Perfectionism exhausts.
The Perfectionist asks,
What if I fail?
The Healthy Achiever asks,
What can I learn?
The sneaky thing is that perfectionism often masquerades as a virtue.
I just have high standards.
I care about quality.
I want to do my best.
Who would I be without it?
And those things can be true.
But there's a particular sign that striving for excellence has tipped into something,
Well,
Let's just say less helpful,
Into the slippery slope of perfectionism.
It's when the fear of not being good enough is driving your behavior more than the genuine love.
Of the work.
Another sign.
When you can't really enjoy what you've accomplished.
You hit a goal and almost immediately your inner critic is pointing to what's next or what wasn't quite right or Somebody else did it better.
Or can manifest when you find yourself burned out.
So I've developed my own definition of perfectionism.
Perfectionism is the paradox.
Created by the need for belonging and the fear of rejection.
Paired with unrealistic expectations for achievement and approval that sap your energy or life force.
When the negative effects of perfectionism accrue,
They build up over time,
You feel exhausted and your body will eventually let you know when enough is enough.
So where does it come from?
Perfectionism doesn't come from nowhere.
It tends to develop in people who grew up in environments where love approval,
Safety.
Felt conditional.
Even subtly so.
Some people are really just more sensitive than others,
And then there is a heritability factor too.
If you grew up in a family of perfectionists,
You might also be a perfectionist.
Or perfectionism can also be a response to a culture that says,
Your value equals your productivity.
More is better.
Failure is not an option.
Researcher and psychologist Thomas Curran makes a compelling case that perfectionism is rising across generations,
Driven even more by a socioeconomic culture that keeps moving the bar higher and higher without safety nets.
Those are falling away.
It's not just about social media and social comparison,
It's living in a culture that says you can only be safe and successful if you have a house,
Make a ton of money,
Are debt-free,
And look amazing at every stage and age in your life.
So,
If you recognize this in yourself,
You are not alone.
And it's not your fault.
So,
Is striving for excellence always bad?
No,
Not always.
The drive towards excellence is a real human gift.
The goal isn't to become someone who doesn't care,
Who stops trying,
Who gives everything a C plus and calls it good enough.
The goal is to pursue excellence from a different internal place,
From curiosity and engagement.
And love of growth rather than from fear of being found lacking or making mistakes.
The only way we really ever learn anything meaningful is by trying and failing and trying again.
In other words,
The goal isn't lower standards.
The goal is freedom from impossible standards.
That shift changes everything.
And if any of this is landing,
Here is something that you can journal on.
I encourage you just to sit with this one question.
Am I striving towards something?
Or am I running from something?
The answer to that question tells you a lot.
So let's close with a mini practice to help quiet perfectionistic thinking when you find yourself in a phase of what I call pleasing,
Perfecting,
Performing,
Or producing.
Step 1.
Pause.
Few slow breaths.
Extending the exhales.
Step two.
Notice.
Notice your feet on the floor and your body in space.
Step three,
Name.
What am I afraid will happen if I ease up?
And step four.
Nurture.
Place a hand on your heart,
If willing,
Or cross your arms over your belly like a secret self-hug.
Anybody can do this.
Say to yourself or to that part of you that's in overdrive.
I don't need to be perfect to be worthy.
I can do this imperfectly.
Progress is enough for today.
It's safe to rest.
Small reps over time will begin to build inner strengths of Compassion for yourself.
Confidence.
And contentment.
