Pain of Thrones. Comparisons, Pedestals And Death Of Joy (Season 4)

You can be anything but you can’t be everything. When we compare ourselves to others, we’re often comparing their best features against our average ones. Comparing ourselves traps us into allowing others to control our behavior. For most of my life, I worked too hard to assess and determine what others expected. I was constantly feeling less than, wanting to be greater than – leading to an ultra-competitive and unhealthy mindset. My life has become about being a better version of myself.

Transcript

This is The Stuck Stops Here.

Your source for humor,

Healing,

And honesty.

I'm LW Noly.

I am Tami Reseda-Etman.

Let's go!

This is season 4 episode 5 and today's podcast is titled Pain of Thrones.

Comparisons,

Pedestals,

And the death of joy.

So,

The pain of thrones has obviously got a double meaning.

Remember all those,

If you watched it,

Remember all the war scenes and big battle scenes?

So,

I was thinking,

I saw an interesting meme today,

But you know,

When we're doing battle,

You know,

I see us as being the protector between our children and family history.

And the trauma of family history and toxic generational patterns.

So,

If you're lucky enough to be aware of it.

Oh,

Lucky enough.

I actually,

Lucky,

Courageous,

Maybe a little bit of both.

So,

Yes,

Good point.

And one of the,

You know,

Pretty deep scars that we get from having toxic parents is comparison.

Particularly in narcissistic families,

But it does happen in non-narcissistic families as well.

So,

I'm going to read a quote from Susan Forward who wrote the book,

Toxic Parents Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life.

Run to your computer and buy it.

It's fantastic.

And she states,

Many toxic parents compare one sibling unfavorably with another to make the target child feel that he or she is not doing enough to gain parental affection.

This motivates the child to do whatever the parents want in order to regain their favor.

This divide and conquer technique is often unleashed against children who become a little too independent,

Threatening the balance of the toxic family system.

Wow.

And yes,

That was me.

I was organically and authentically the opposite of my family and they made sure to squash the life out of it.

Did they say things to you like,

Why can't you be more like,

Fill in the blank?

All the time.

And,

You know,

I had mentioned how they think,

You know,

My stepbrother walks on water.

The golden child.

Yep.

And he was,

Everyone was compared to him.

And he's actually the most screwed up of all.

Ironic.

So toxic parents want their toxic butt,

Butts kicked,

Kissed all the time.

I was doing,

I really am trying not to say ass,

But they do want their asses kissed all the time.

Yes.

So sorry,

I had to swear my apologies.

That's what they do.

So,

You know,

By comparing that and demanding behavior that puts them on a pedestal and makes you subservient,

It gives them control and maintains the toxic family system.

So,

Gives them power.

They want that power.

That's right.

So as those comparisons,

You know,

Are shoved in our face at a very young age,

We become hyper aware and hyper attuned to our perceived shortcomings.

And then we go start to focus on at a very young age.

And then,

You know,

I think commercials love to capitalize on that,

You know,

Lack of white teeth,

Bad breath,

Frizzy hair and other things that happen that make us less than perfect.

So,

You know,

Comparison is a lucrative business too.

Marketing is all about human psychology.

Yes it is.

So this type of comparison is very painful and does not incentivize any real change in our lives.

So what happens is we feel defeated right out of the gate.

So,

You know,

I often have asked myself the question,

You know,

Am I comparing myself out of fear and low self-esteem or out of a desire to improve?

And what was it?

It was always fear.

Most of my behavior up until a few years ago was fear-based behavior.

Fear,

Anger,

Rage,

That's all,

You know,

Mask for grief,

Grieving the lives that,

You know,

We should have had,

The parents we should have had.

So comparison reinforces those feelings of never being good enough.

And this leads to a lot of internal misery and eventually lead to bitterness if you don't fix it.

So my toxic parents needed to control their children.

They constantly dished out opinions and instructions on how to behave,

What to wear,

What to do,

Who to say,

Who to speak to,

Why to say it.

Usually with a negative delivery,

Negative mindset.

And they consider themselves to this day authority and experts.

In actuality,

All of their advice,

All of their opinions,

All of their so-called guidance,

So-called advice was actually terrible.

And I made many bad decisions because of it.

These toxic parents love to assume a dictator-like role.

And they don't have to be physical.

Often,

Because it starts right after you pop out of the womb,

The tone of voice is all it needs to paralyze a child's independence and make them ask,

What more can I do for you?

It's unspoken.

Do you think that parents are afraid of their children becoming independent and growing up and maybe seeing who they really are?

Or just like a combination of things?

It's so many.

I could never list just one,

But using my experience with narcissism and antisocial personality disorder,

My mother was the sun and everyone else was a planet orbiting around her.

My stepdad was an enabler.

So they both insisted on getting their way.

And if we had to perform in crazy ways to make her feel important and put her on a throne,

Then he was going to make us do it,

Make his life easier.

So nothing about that whole dynamic is healthy.

They don't really want you to be healthy.

It makes them feel better.

Misery loves company.

It makes them feel better for you to be unhappy about the same things that they are.

Yeah.

And would you say your mother created unnecessary drama just to make sure she was always the center of attention?

She did that more often than she ate.

That answer your question?

Yes,

Very much so.

Now I'll tell you,

Because I grew up in a codependent upbringing,

My mother was always afraid of when I would make a new friend,

When I would find something new that I loved,

That I was passionate about.

She always was afraid and it was always under the guise of how much she loved me and didn't want me to get hurt.

And I know she really believed that.

I know she really felt that way,

But it was stifling.

And I just didn't have the freedom every time I would be like,

Oh my God,

I have no idea.

I want to do this.

I want to do that.

She would shoot it down.

No,

That's too dangerous.

You know,

Like the mother,

Like the witch entangled.

Don't go out there.

It's too dangerous.

It's true.

You know,

For her,

For whatever reason,

She was so,

You know,

Frightened of what might happen or what she perceived might happen.

I think deep down she was just afraid that I would grow up and leave.

And that's what we do.

That's what the kids are supposed to do.

It doesn't mean we have to like it,

But why fight the natural course of things?

Absolutely.

And that's growing up.

I mean,

It's a matter of pride when,

You know,

You know,

I know our kids are away.

They're doing their thing and we feel great about it.

We don't get to come and hold our hands and sit at home with us.

But it takes a lot of awareness to be okay with that because you have to be content enough with yourself and the life and your interests and your passions and everything else where if they're thriving,

You're thriving.

Right.

That's healthy.

That's healthy.

And if you're not thriving and your kids aren't,

You're probably going to try to do something to stop it.

That's a shame.

Which is a shame.

So I have four things that I wanted to share that I realized on my healing journey and in some of the articles I've read,

Videos I've watched,

Books I've listened to.

So each child is unique and they should be treated as special thinking individuals with their own desires,

Their own wishes,

Their own personalities,

Their own likes and dislikes.

I know you're going to be surprised,

But this didn't happen for me.

What?

Will you wipe that surprise face off?

So the only way a child celebrates their own uniqueness is when parents authentically listen and celebrate and validate and understand their thought process.

I do not treat my children the same.

They're not the same.

Right.

One need is more needier than the other,

One is probably more sensitive than the other.

Which is fine.

That's okay.

It's not a bad thing.

It's just I'm aware of it.

Right.

But they're individuals.

They're not mini-mes.

They're not,

You know,

They're individuals.

We're supposed to guide them,

Not influence them.

You know,

If they come home with an F,

That needs to matter.

You know,

Well,

Why did you get the F?

Not you got a nephew grounded for seven months and you can't use your phone,

Your laptop,

Or,

You know,

Breathe more than two times an hour.

That doesn't solve anything.

That doesn't solve anything.

So a lot of times,

You know,

Parents who are wrapped up in their kid's success will instantly punish them.

Well,

Let's have a conversation.

Why did you get the F?

Did you know you were having trouble before?

Yeah,

Well,

Why didn't you do something about it?

Now they have to think for themselves how they could have problem solved.

So,

And that whole listening is how you develop mutual trust,

Respect,

And love.

And if they have it,

Then they're going to make good life decisions with that as a foundation.

Well,

For them to have the freedom of not having to do things to make you or anyone else feel better,

You know,

They can think critically,

Like you said,

And then they can make decisions for themselves that are healthy decisions.

That's the ideal.

Right.

They can see things for,

You know,

How they really are and not through a dysfunctional lens that they're being forced to wear.

Yeah.

So number two,

Children are not decorative pieces.

So what happens with toxic parents as children are objects or accessories and utilized to either dump all the problems or make them look good.

So oftentimes parents,

Whether it's consciously or unconsciously,

Doesn't matter,

But they set unrealistic goals.

That was me.

That sounds so familiar.

That was me.

I had to dress a certain way and appear a certain way,

And it was the exact opposite of how I wanted to be.

And if they don't live up to the expectations,

The kids then feel this intense shame and disappointment.

And then they will spend the rest of their lives trying to fix that in all the wrong ways.

Yes.

Fix it.

Hide from it.

Poorly cope with it.

But shame and disappointment goes hand in hand.

And when you objectify your children,

That's what happens.

So the other thing,

When parents compare,

It actually suppresses natural talents.

So if you're not listening and attuned to their interests and their unique personality or and you don't appreciate it,

But you point out what other people are doing better,

Then the child will never connect with their own talents.

They lose their mojo.

They become very insecure about their talents and then they think it's garbage.

And they never live up to their potential.

And it constantly frustrates them.

So that's where those triggers of comparison can be so sharp because of that.

And it could also lead to perfectionism,

Which,

You know,

As we said,

It's a death of creativity.

And,

You know,

When you have kids who are constantly critiquing themselves because they're perfectionists,

That's not necessarily coming from them.

That comes from maybe they've been compared their whole lives to somebody else.

That's right.

Yeah.

So the kid can't be creative or exploratory at all.

They're objects.

They're robots.

And we're not wired that way.

So the last thing I uncovered is comparison leads to disappointment,

Leads to shame,

Which leads to stress,

Which leads to anxiety and depression.

So when your parents are always telling you,

You are not good enough,

They,

Children will often feel the need to overwork and overperform to gain your approval,

As well as the outside world's approval.

When they don't get it,

They're going to experience more frustration and more pain because they were told that you need to overwork and overperform to be accepted,

But it doesn't work that way.

So it's futile and pretty seriously damaging.

So,

You know,

Summing it up,

Comparing ourselves to other people allows other people to drive our behavior.

I often worked way too hard to study what people wanted,

What others wanted,

Whether it's my boss or my friends or coworkers.

It didn't matter,

Everybody.

So that if I could gain approval,

I could be making them laugh.

It didn't matter.

It was never authentic.

It was performance-based,

Transaction-based,

And it was a way for me to fit in and be told that I was okay.

And that's hard work and that will leave you exhausted and the kind of exhaustion that sleep won't fix.

So by always being compared to as a child,

I'm always feeling less than,

But I always want to be greater than.

And that led to a very ultra-competitive and very unhealthy mindset.

And it eventually came to an end,

Finally,

When I had had enough of me or I had enough of the false me.

That's the good news.

See,

I realized you can be anything you want,

But you can't be everything.

And that's important.

Right.

So when we compare ourselves,

We're comparing our average features to somebody else's stellar features,

Setting yourself up for disappointment and shame.

But that's you were taught that.

You're on that superhighway and you don't know how to get off.

So it's very self-destructive.

There is only one thing that you can be better at for sure than everybody else.

Being yourself.

Absolutely.

And the only way to do that is to unlearn toxic family patterns and relearn authentic coping strategies so that you can live honestly.

It's very hard to do so.

Life is better when you're focused on being a better version of yourself,

Rather than comparing yourself to other people or being a slave to those emotional abuse that you suffered.

So I was unable now to direct my efforts and energies to being very awake,

Very aware and raising my emotional IQ.

So,

And it's a freedom that's very hard to put in words,

But I am,

I would say I'm more accepting and graceful instead of bitter and angry.

It's a much better place to be.

That when toxic parents constantly compare us,

It fosters very well entrenched false identity.

And there's no way to be content,

No way to focus or be authentic when you are a slave to comparison.

And you just have to recognize that it's happening and that's really not your fault.

And it's their pain,

Their problem,

Not yours.

So if what you do doesn't meet the expectations of others,

So what?

Let's sing the pink song.

So what?

So what?

I'm still a rock star.

There you go.

Thank you.

The way that people look at you,

Whether it's your parents or your friends or your work or your colleagues at work,

The way they look at you when they look down that you haven't achieved something is the same way you used to look at them through a distorted lens shaped by emotionally abusive experiences and unreasonable expectations.

So it's a cycle and it's contagious.

So if you stop,

That will be a catalyst for definitely a better life.

So the cycle can be broken.

And when we come back,

We're going to talk about five things to do instead of comparing yourself to others.

We'll be right back.

Rivers of rage drowned us all As we waited for the sky to fall On the outside looking in Wish I knew where the hell I've been A tempest in a teapot,

A scar that no one sees Dreams turn to dust while we wait for hell to freeze Welcome back.

So five things to do instead of comparing yourself to others,

And this is from the tiny Buddha website.

I'm going to put a link to that because it's a fantastic resource for me.

Number one.

Water your own grass.

When we focus on other people,

We lose valuable time that we could otherwise be investing in ourselves.

So we don't get green grass by watering our neighbor's garden.

We do it by nurturing our own.

So instead of analyzing and comparing your path to someone else's,

Focus on what you want.

What matters to you.

Not anyone else matters to you.

And caring for your own grass and your own state of mind and your own mental health.

When you focus on that,

We'll start comparing.

Number two.

Accept where you are.

You can't change something that you're in denial of.

So instead of resisting or fighting where you're at,

Which I did all the time and it made me very impulsive.

Me too,

Me too.

Yeah,

It was a very frenetic,

I would say jumpy way to live.

When you're at peace with,

Okay,

Obviously this is where we're at.

I can't fix it.

So once you accept the place you're at,

Authentic decisions and rational thoughts will come to you.

And will move you in the right direction.

Because you won't be reacting.

You'll be processing with awareness.

But you know,

A lot of that is difficult for people,

Especially because of social media.

You know,

They always talk about how everyone looks so happy on social media.

And sometimes that's hard for people to realize that it's just a facade.

Like happy or not happy.

It's hard to not compare yourself and say,

Wait,

They're on a beach.

Why can't I be on a beach?

Or she's having success.

Why can't I have success?

You know,

It's really hard to not compare yourself to others.

But it's very interesting.

I read all the time how social media is giving kids more anxiety than ever.

Because you didn't know who was with who or who was wearing what when you weren't with them.

But now,

You know,

If you're looking to bully somebody or make yourself feel better,

And you post a picture with a guy like they like,

Well,

This one didn't like that post.

I mean,

It just opened up a can of worms.

It's easy.

I'm actually glad that we didn't have social media growing up.

I think I don't know if I would have handled it well,

Especially the impulsivity.

You know,

I think I would have acted out through social media.

Can you imagine?

I think about some of the stuff that would have been on film.

Yeah.

I'd be in jail.

That was a joke.

That's funny.

Am I allowed to joke like that?

Am I going to get bad comments on that?

No,

No.

Okay.

I hope not.

I was trying to be funny.

That was funny.

So,

Yeah,

That's definitely,

You're right about social media definitely being a pretty serious,

Never-ending,

Powerful trigger for both anxiety and depression and comparison.

Yes.

So,

Number one was water your own grass.

Number two,

Accept where you are.

Number three,

Don't let fear guide your choices.

So,

Like I could never accept where I am.

Fear motivated me to make very impulsive decisions.

So,

A good decision is one that's based on rational thoughts and self-love.

Like,

This is good for me.

This is healthy for me.

This works for me.

I made several poor career choices as a result of my addiction to people-pleasing and having a performance-based mentality.

And that was all from a toxic childhood.

So,

If you're insecure,

You're afraid of being abandonment,

You're afraid of failure,

All those fear-based decisions that I made never,

Ever took me in the direction I wanted or the direction that I was supposed to go.

So,

To stay on track,

Really ask yourself,

What does the real you want right now?

What is the best decision that self-love is guiding?

What is the way to look at something through a non-emotionally abused version of yourself?

So,

We're on these super highways of hyper-vigilance,

Hyper-reactivity,

Overstimulation,

Perfectionism.

That's emotionally abuse guiding you.

That's fear guiding you.

If you weren't being controlled by that,

What would the real you want to do right now?

So,

That's one way to try to eliminate fear guiding your decisions.

Well,

You can ask yourself,

If I wasn't trying to please anybody,

My mother,

My father,

My aunt,

Whoever,

What would I want to do?

And most of the time,

People who say,

I don't know,

They probably do know they're just afraid to say it or to think it because they don't want to disappoint anybody.

And that's not a great way to make a decision.

It's a performance-based,

Transaction-based mindset and we're addicted to it.

I keep saying super highway because we're on it and we're afraid to get off because we don't know what we are without it.

And that's a fear-based decision too.

So,

I highly recommend taking that quote-unquote risk of not making a decision that is guided by people pleasing,

Fear,

Obligation,

Guilt.

Right.

Because you are not the less than,

You were told you were less than but you're not.

Number four,

Realize that you are not perfect.

Perfection,

Death of creativity,

Like you said.

There's always going to be someone who is richer,

Smarter,

Better looking,

More talented,

More successful,

Whatever it is.

So,

The quest for perfection is a dead end.

So,

Because you were raised on comparison,

It's very easy to get down on yourself,

Your flaws and your quirks and imperfections.

But by fully embracing those flaws is authentic.

Fully embracing your imperfections reduces fear.

Perfectly imperfect is definitely a way you can make some good decisions.

And those are the things that make you uniquely you,

The flaws and the quirks and the imperfections.

We see it all the time in movies and stuff.

It's always that quirky girl or that nerdy guy that we love because they're authentic and uniquely themselves.

That's right.

That's right.

And we connect with that even if it's quietly.

Yeah.

Number five,

Stop shoulding yourself.

S-H-O-U-L-D.

Should.

Comparison makes us say the word should way too often.

I should have this now.

I should have achieved this.

I should have done that.

I should have said this.

But when you keep saying should,

It keeps you focused on what you're lacking or what you regret or what you wish for.

If you replace the word should with want,

That will shift your inner dialogue and you can have a more honest conversation with yourself.

So definitely I will put a link to the tiny Buddha website.

I love it.

On that note,

We're going to be back after the Thanksgiving week.

I hope you all have a safe and healthy holiday.

Yes,

Everybody be safe.

And I hope we'll get to be together again.

I was actually thinking today what it's going to be like when we can all kind of come out of hiding and start hugging and kissing again.

I miss people.

If we're not comparing ourselves,

It'll be a wonderful party.

Well,

Hopefully people will get that take away from this podcast.

I hope so.

We will see you again next time.

Goodbye.

Take care.

You have been listening to the Stuck Stops here.

We are not licensed therapists.

We are not life coaches.

We are not certified in anything.

Nothing.

I just want to be a resource for those beginning or on their healing journey.

Reviews

For many years my enabling Dad of a narc wife said many times ...you can not please her.... and I’ve said the same thing about my mama as well. After learning about narcs and their behavior I now say who gives a shit. Make yourself happy! 💟☮️☯️