In My Head: ADHD And Rejection Sensitivity

Welcome to In My Head - a lecture series about ADHD and all things related to mental and emotional wellbeing. In this talk, I tackle the topic of Rejection Sensitivity (or RSD). We talk about perceived rejection, internalized shame and how to curb those downward thought spirals.

Transcript

Hi,

Hello,

How are you?

Welcome to In My Head,

A new series of talks that I'm going to be giving on Insight Timer,

Specifically related to mental health and emotional well-being.

My name is Shanna Moyer.

I'm a mental health counselor,

An ADHD management specialist,

And a trauma support specialist based out of London,

Ontario.

I'm also a human who exists with late-diagnosed ADHD,

And I'm a parent of two neuro-spicy ADHDers.

I know a thing or two about how the brain works,

Why we are the way we are,

And how the world just has not been created with neurodiverse humans in mind.

So my hope with this new series of lectures here at Insight Timer is that you will take away one little sliver,

One nugget,

Every single time that helps you understand your brain and helps you embrace who you are.

Well,

Hey there friends.

Welcome back to In My Head,

The series where I talk about various ADHD related topics.

And today we're going to be talking about RSD,

Otherwise known as rejection-sensitive dysphoria.

Personally,

This is one of the things within my ADHD that I struggle with the most.

It's not necessarily a medical diagnosis,

But more so a way of describing a type of emotional dysregulation within neurodiversity.

It's the assumption or internalization of perceived rejection.

So let's get into what it might look like.

Sometimes it looks like an intense emotional sensitivity to criticism or rejection,

Whether it's real or perceived.

It's often experienced by those on the neurodiverse scale,

So somewhere in the ADHD,

Autism,

Social anxiety,

Or PTSD spectrum.

Triggers are big-time feelings of depression,

Rage,

Anger,

Or severe crippling anxiety.

Often we see things that are neutral or vague as rejections or a silent criticism.

So all of that swims around in our brain and creates these really debilitating feelings of self-worth,

Worthlessness.

We internalize and then we spiral.

We can experience severe anxiety,

Become avoidant,

Have big emotions before an anticipated rejection.

So think about a time where maybe you've been approaching someone in a romantic setting and you're really interested in this person,

But the anticipated fear of rejection stops you in your tracks and it makes it so that you can't even approach the situation because you've already decided that they're going to reject you.

Often we become people pleasers to avoid being criticized.

We have difficulties starting tasks,

Projects,

Or goals where there's a chance of failure.

We have the inability to regulate emotional responses to feelings of failure or rejection.

Sometimes the feeling of failure and rejection sends us into that depressive state and tailspin.

Other times we're completely neutral,

But we don't have much control over what those emotional reactions are.

The fear of rejection negatively impacts our life and our relationships.

RSD is a tricky one.

I think it's something that until you have really lived there,

Until your brain has gone there and been there for a while,

It can be really difficult to understand,

Especially for someone who is neurotypical.

I think about partners in the past and how I would get really quiet and I would shut down if there was even the slightest threat that I might feel rejected or that perceived rejection,

And they just didn't understand.

They couldn't empathize.

They couldn't give me the kindness,

The love,

And the compassion,

Support,

And reassurance.

It also led me to being slightly codependent and having that anxious attachment style in needing reassurance a lot of the time.

So how do we as an ADHD or who has RSD,

How do we work with that so that it doesn't sabotage us going through life,

Doesn't impact our relationships and our daily life in a negative way?

The one key thing that I use,

It's a phrase that I use with my counseling clients and I have to check myself with it often when I feel like I may be spiraling a little bit and starting to jump ahead.

Those intrusive thoughts start coming in and I'm jumping to conclusions.

That perceived rejection is there.

I stop and ask myself what evidence do I have to believe that this is true?

What evidence do I have to believe that this is true?

And then rationally I can go through a little bit of a checklist.

Is this person actually rejecting me?

What are the words that they said?

What are the actions that followed the words?

Do those things match up?

There is something to be said for your intuition and reading a situation and the social cues,

The nonverbal communication within a situation.

There's something to be said for that.

However,

What evidence do I have to believe that this is true?

And once I go through a checklist,

If there is no evidence,

Simply I can check myself and my RSD and say,

You're making this up in your brain.

That situation,

That job offer,

That travel experience,

That parenting situation,

That romantic relationship is perfectly fine just the way that it is.

You're making up stories in your head.

Sometimes it's from ADHD.

Other times it's from past trauma.

So then we start digging into the root of why am I believing the non-evidence?

Why am I looking for the rejection when the rejection simply isn't there?

Here are some other ways where we can work with your RSD and work with your brain so that we're not just shutting down and dissociating.

First and foremost,

Identify your triggers.

What about this situation is making you feel rejected?

When you identify your triggers,

You're able to unpack a little bit of self-awareness,

Which can empower you to more effectively manage the triggers and your emotions.

Practicing communication.

Talking openly with the people that you share space with of,

This is how I'm feeling and I get that my RSD isn't founded in reality.

I just had to have this conversation with my partner about a week ago.

I know that my fears are not rooted in our current reality,

But those fears are still there.

That rejection piece is still there.

So help me.

Reassure me.

Be an advocate for what it is that you need.

Practicing self-compassion.

To break the rejection cycle,

You need to focus on self-compassion and changing your inner dialogue.

Giving yourself grace.

Giving yourself permission to feel the big emotions as they come forward.

It's incredibly important.

And having a journal.

Somewhere where you can write down the triggers,

The emotional responses,

And giving yourself a reflective moment of,

What could I have done differently next time?

Now that I've asked myself,

What evidence do I have to believe that this is true?

I can now reflect on what I did in that situation that either helped or hindered my emotional processing.

RSD is a tricky one,

But I think it's one of those ones that we as ADHDers deal with and internalize so deeply that we feel like no one can understand.

When really,

It's a really simple concept.

For us,

Rejection stays in the brain and stays in the body a little bit longer than a neurotypical person.

And that's okay.

It's just the way that our brain is processing potential threat,

Potential triggers,

Potential fear.

If we can talk about it,

You know,

There's the saying name it to tame it.

If we can talk about it openly with the people that we share space with and our support system,

RSD is a lot easier to tackle.

Until next time,

You're not broken,

You just have ADHD and maybe a little bit of RSD.

Reviews

Thank you for sharing, it’s nice to have a space to come to where you feel you can relate and that we’re not on our own with these big feelings.

Name it to tame it has been my goal with my recent diagnosis; thanks so much Shannon for these talks