Young Love - A Love Story With May Shank
May shares her love story with Chris. And it’s so lovely. She also shares the day-to-day relationship stuff that makes their relationship of 19 years thrive (May will be 20 years!!). I also love how much kindness, playfulness, and thoughtfulness is a part of their relationship. (This is a key to a happy and long-lasting relationship). May shares how the use of a whiteboard really helps her team up with Chris when they are making decisions. They also really celebrate and accept each other.
Transcript
We both hate grocery shopping,
So if he would like pop out and go get things that he knew I would want to have on hand or whatever,
Especially like before weekend when we were going to stay up late and kind of work on our projects,
He'd make sure we had back then it was like lots of cherry tokes with our thing,
So he would make sure there was lots of cherry tokes.
You know,
It's like that kind of thing.
He always would go out of his way to do really kind things for me.
Well,
Hello there lovely.
It's Steph Prejamas,
And welcome back to the Beautifully Changed Podcast,
A place to discuss your journey to love and enhancing the love you already have.
I thought it would be so much fun to start sharing some love stories with you.
I know that love stories can help us feel inspired,
And when we hear actual love stories and not just the Hollywood love stories,
We can feel a little bit more inspired,
Or we can get insight or tips on what we can apply to our own life,
On our own journey to love,
Or our own journey in love.
So I wanted to start having people come on and share their love stories.
So today I have May Shank,
And she is my first guest,
Coming on to share her love story with us.
So I'm super excited about that.
And if you feel like you want to share your love story with me on my podcast,
Feel free to fill out a little contact form for me on beautifullychanged.
Com slash contact me,
And you'll find a little space there where you can,
You know,
Write in to share your love story with me.
And if you're selected,
Then I will go ahead and contact you,
And we'll schedule a time for you to come on and share your story with me.
So I'm super excited about adding this little series into the monthly podcast lineup.
Super exciting.
So I also just wanted to share with you a tip that I use to really enhance my relationship,
And I've actually been doing this to enhance my life for as long as I can remember,
And especially since I graduated high school,
Since I was about 18,
I've definitely been doing this,
And I've been doing it when I was single or in a relationship,
And what it is,
It's so simple.
I just like to write an experience list,
Things that I want to go and experience.
Sorry,
I'm a little bit,
My,
I don't know if it's allergies or a little bit of a kind of like head cold,
But my voice is a little rusty and my nose is a little stuffy.
Anyway,
So when you're in a relationship,
One of the things I love to do with Keoni is we'll go ahead,
And we do this about once a year.
We'll write down all the experiences we want to have,
And then we try to make them happen.
So these experiences could be like free adventures to things that cost money to,
Like for me,
I wanted to have a facial.
That was one of my experiences that I had never had before,
And I thought that sounded like a lot of fun.
So I had that on my experience list,
And I did that,
And Keoni did like that floating in the float tank,
And it turned out he didn't like it.
But anyway,
The whole point is when you do these experiences,
Some of them together as a couple,
And some of them just as your own individual growth,
It just really helps you with your like self-discovery,
Getting closer to yourself.
And also when you do the couple ones,
Getting closer as a couple.
And since we have a kiddo,
We also do family experiences.
So we're all about making a yearly list of experiences that we want to have.
And the cool part is if we don't get to them all,
We can just carry them over to the next year if there's still experiences that we would like to have.
However,
Our goal is to be able to check a couple of those off our list and just have those experiences.
I'm a very experiential person.
Like even when I'm working with a client,
I like to do a lot of experiential work,
Which can just be things that you're experiencing in the moment,
Like role-playing with their partner.
Like how do you want them to greet you when you come home from work?
How do you want to say goodbye to each other?
Stuff like that.
Because I think like experiences really help us just get to know ourselves better and express ourselves in a way that other things don't allow us to.
So that is my tip for this week.
Get together with your partner and write down an experience list you want to have this year together as individuals,
As a couple,
And as a family.
And if you're single,
Still go ahead and write that list because you matter as well.
Just because you are single doesn't mean that the experiences you want to have aren't valid.
So start living your life today.
I also want to remind you to go ahead and join my Facebook community,
Beautifully Changed.
It's just a space for us to connect with each other and feel supported and encouraged in this wonderful life that we're living and through the hard days and the good days.
And if you would also like some additional support on your journey,
Feel free to contact me about some individual coaching or hypnosis sessions,
And we can definitely see what we can do for you.
And remember to share this episode with a friend.
Tell your friends about my podcast.
Let them join in this goodness with you.
Help it deepen your own conversations and just help yourself support each other and support each other on your own journeys.
Okay,
So let's go ahead and listen to May's love story.
She's going to share how she met her love,
Her person,
When she was 18.
They were secretly in love with each other for a while and then things just flourished.
So let's dive in.
And again,
Thank you so much for being here with me today.
I really appreciate your time and I hope you enjoy this story.
May,
Thank you so much for joining me today.
I am so excited to hear your love story and to hear the wisdom that you've learned from your love story as well.
So welcome to the Beautifully Changed Podcast.
Thank you so much for having me.
I am looking forward to sharing my story.
Awesome.
So before we jump into the good stuff,
I'm curious when you were younger,
How did you first imagine love would be like and where did you kind of learn about love and start creating your ideas around love?
Was it the Hollywood movies,
People in your life,
Books that you read?
I think probably my parents because they've been together since forever and they have like their own kind of cute story.
So they've always been really sweet with each other and also like not afraid to show like when things aren't perfect,
You know,
But they still were basically perfect for each other even when life wasn't perfect.
So they were probably my best example and what I hoped I'd be able to find.
Oh,
I love that.
That's great to have parents who can definitely show you like,
Hey,
We can resolve and move through hard times and we can be sweet to each other and to really inspire you what you wanted in your relationship.
That's awesome.
Okay.
So now I'm curious was your husband your first relationship that you had?
He was my first like my only serious relationship.
I did,
You know,
Have like a like a ninth grade boyfriend,
You know,
Like,
You know,
But not really,
You know,
Like my only real relationship has been with my husband.
We met when I was about,
But I just turned 18.
Okay,
So let's dive in May.
So how did you meet your husband and how long did it take before you guys met before you started dating?
Like let's get into the goods.
Okay,
So we actually met on the steps outside of my high school and he had he had like enrolled in classes at my high school,
But he was basically like done with school at that point and it was one of those things where if you go back and take extra,
You know,
Like extra stuff.
So he was like older.
He was treated older than me and I met him very much in passing.
So he was just like this like the roommate of somebody that I went to school with and we're sitting on these steps and I met him very briefly,
But I was immediately enamored with him,
Like immediately.
And then I was kind of in that circle of friends and then we started spending more time together and then we became,
You know,
Like this kind of people that were in like the same circle of friends.
So we knew each other,
But there wasn't a lot of like just us hanging out together.
And then he actually took the job several provinces away and he was gone for I think it was like three or four months and the whole time he was gone.
I'm like when is Chris coming back?
Like,
You know,
And everybody's wondering like why I care because you know,
He's just another in like this big group of people.
But then when he did come back,
I was just like I was so sure,
You know,
Like I had a massive crush on him when he left and then when he came back,
We started spending more time together.
Even you know,
Like you're in,
You know how that works when you're in your late teens and everybody's kind of hanging out,
You know as big groups and then it turns into you know,
Two or three people all the time or like a couple of couples all the time.
And then we became very good friends.
And then from there I was madly in love with him but terrified to tell him that I was in love with him obviously because I would like ruin everything.
And then he was feeling the same but didn't want to say anything which is like a classic kind of like funny thing but not really funny when you're in it because then you don't know.
So it's too down the other side but like awful in the middle of it,
Right?
And then it just kind of like happened one day.
Like we,
You know,
We're just sitting around late nights having and then yeah,
It's just kind of like all those feelings sort of tumble out because there's nobody else around and you know,
It's like I remember it was,
I was living with my parents still and I lived like maybe a 15 minute walk away and I had made that walk at all hours of the day and night so many times.
And this one particular night he's like,
You should probably stay over it,
It's been pretty late.
And I'm like,
Really though?
Like I had,
You know,
I'm like,
Oh.
I did not clue immediately what that meant and then eventually I kind of got the hint.
So that's how that unfolded.
So his name is Chris.
Okay,
And so what was it May that drew you in immediately when you first met Chris?
Do you remember what it was that just like?
I think partly it's just like,
Partly when I met him,
He was really well-spoken but also still like,
Like well-spoken but really approachable and friendly at the same time.
And then I got to know him a lot like through reputation,
Which is funny because then later he tells me that he also kind of got to know me through reputation through the same circle.
But you know,
I discovered that he was really,
Really brilliant.
He was good with computers and this is,
You know,
Like 98 when nobody was really good with computers.
Like that wasn't a thing and he was,
You know,
Very good with computers.
And that was probably part of it too,
That he was like this mysterious,
Art guy that,
You know,
That was a thing I guess.
That was how it,
And then the more I got to know him,
The more I became enamored with him just by like who he is and you know,
Like what he cares about,
That sort of stuff.
I love that.
And you know,
This is one of my favorite things about hearing people's love stories because I can just see from your face,
Like as you're telling it,
It takes you back to that time and it gives you kind of that like giddy,
Excited,
You know,
All that good warm fuzzy feelings again.
Definitely.
Sure.
Do you think,
Chris,
Or did you guys talk about it later?
Was Chris like,
Oh man,
I was into you too the whole time.
I just.
.
.
Yeah,
Exactly.
And it's funny because like you like you feel like when you look back,
Of course,
Like how could I not have noticed,
You know,
When you think of random things.
But when he would tell me like,
Well remember,
You know,
Like X,
Y,
Z and you're like,
Oh,
I didn't realize that that meant anything.
But then now looking back to like,
Of course it did,
You know,
Like anytime,
You know,
Anytime people get up and like tear off and even though we weren't prepared,
He would always get up and go wherever I was going.
If I got up and went,
I would do the same and then we realized,
You know,
Later that it was because we both felt the same way,
Even though maybe at the time we thought that we were just being really friendly or we were just like,
Because there were a lot of girls and guys that were just good friends in this whole angle with people too,
Right?
So you don't always in the moment realize that that's what's going on.
But then later,
Yeah,
Definitely.
Okay,
I love that.
Okay,
So you guys have this night where you let your feelings out and then what happens?
Do you guys just start dating from that point on or does it take a little bit longer?
At that,
It was basically immediate because all around that same time,
We like,
I had been looking for an apartment,
Like I was,
You know,
Turning 18 and moving out and he already had an apartment with a roommate and the person that introduced us,
We were all planning to go get a place together and that had been the plan for months.
And so we had all kind of been planning to do that and get like a,
I mean,
We live in Toronto and it's the most expensive city in Canada.
Like it's crazy.
And so even when,
I mean,
Imagine then like we're all,
You know,
18,
20 years old,
Like we're broke,
Right?
And so we're just trying to figure it out.
So we were planning to get a place,
Have our own kind of separate spaces in that place.
But you know,
Like who knows what that would have ended up looking like.
But then the person that we were planning to move in with,
He got into a relationship and he moved in with her in a completely different city.
So they were just gone and then it was just us and then I'm like,
Oh,
Well,
You still want to do that?
And he's like,
Well,
I,
You know,
I really love the apartment that I'm in right now,
You know,
Like with my roommate and I'm thinking,
Well,
Great,
Like now I got to go find a small space.
He's like,
No,
Like you should just move in here.
So it literally went from like,
You know,
Like being secretly in love with each other to living together like a week later.
Almost immediate the way that that whole thing was like a whirlwind,
The way that worked.
So how long was it before when you,
So from the time you met to the time you guys told each other how you felt,
How much time was in between there?
I was probably,
I guess about like a year,
Maybe a year and a bit.
And then yeah,
Then we moved in together.
Well,
Then I moved in like to his place.
So we didn't like he didn't have to do anything.
So it's kind of hilarious.
He always says like that was a plug and play for a thing.
So then I,
You know,
Moved in and that would have been,
That was maybe about,
I want to say like a year,
I guess,
A year to a year and a half after we had first,
You know,
Decided that like on our own kind of secretly with each other that we were into each other.
And then yeah,
Like maybe a week from that conversation to be moving in.
Okay.
And then at what point in time,
Like how long were you together before he proposed?
So it maybe was about six months.
Okay.
And it was one of those things where again,
Like we're just hanging out at home,
Probably playing video games,
You know,
Like that sort of thing.
And we were just talking,
You know,
Like about the future and I think,
You know,
I said something about like,
Oh,
When we turn 30 because 30 is like so old when you're 18,
Right?
So it was just so funny from here.
But anyway,
So it takes me though.
So old.
So he's something about when we're in our 30s or when we're 30 and he was like,
Yeah,
But by that time we'll be married with a bunch of kids by then.
And then I was like,
Oh,
Will we?
Like is that a thing?
Is that what we're doing?
It's like,
Well,
Aren't we?
And then I just kind of like,
You are going to marry me,
Right?
And I'm like,
Wow,
So romantic.
But it was,
It was perfect.
It was like exactly person made style.
So I said yes,
Of course,
You know.
And then it was maybe another,
I don't know,
Two or three months before there was like an official telling your family,
Getting a tube ring,
Like that sort of thing.
And we were so poor.
So it was like a comical whole situation.
But that's part of what made it be so great because neither was like,
I don't care.
Like it didn't matter at all.
So yeah,
That was that timeline like a pretty short just a few months after that.
That's awesome.
So that was his proposal him being like,
Wait,
You are going to marry me,
Right?
I'm like,
Do we need to have a conversation about this?
Okay,
I guess not.
So yeah,
It was pretty funny.
Like he,
And I mean,
I guess I had hoped that obviously,
But I had to sort of assume that.
And I guess he just felt like,
Of course,
We would,
That was the natural progression of life.
And it totally was the natural progression of life.
But he left out the formally asking me part.
So how long have you guys been married today?
So in May,
We're coming up on 20 years.
Nice.
Congratulations.
You know,
That's a long time.
So how did your family and friends respond when you were like,
Hey,
I'm 18 or 19 at the time and you're like,
I'm engaged.
How did they respond to that?
My friends were pretty cool about it.
I think that's because they had really seen the whole thing unfold.
My parents,
Oddly,
They weren't worried about it.
Their kind of side of our story is that they got married six weeks after they met.
And so for them,
They were like,
They were,
Yeah,
That's cool.
You do it,
You know,
Like,
You know,
It's right.
And it was funny because they were in their 30s when they made that choice.
Okay.
So they met and had a whirlwind and married quick.
And so obviously it's not quite the same thing because we were children,
You know,
Looking back.
But they had confidence,
I think,
And my decision-making skills.
And I was very,
You know,
I always brought my friends around.
My parents were really cool.
And so they knew him.
And they had seen a lot of the stories evolving as well.
And I think that was partly why they didn't freak out about it because they were like,
Yeah,
This is probably fine.
He doesn't die.
So it was just a really supportive attitude.
I think anybody who wasn't kind of kept it to themselves because they weren't in the majority.
Which is in a sense supportive too,
Right?
Your mouth quiet if you don't have anything nice to say is a nice way to feel supported.
I love that.
Have you,
Do you have Netflix?
Do you watch Love is Blind?
Yeah,
Just earlier today I was watching The Reunion.
I love that show.
It's ridiculous.
Right?
And they,
So they remind me then of your parents because they get married in such like a whirlwind quick thing.
Like it's pretty incredible.
So yeah,
I just watched that too.
And I saw The Reunion yesterday.
I was like,
Ooh,
I'm going to watch this real quick.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh,
That's so funny.
Yeah,
They had,
They had a quick,
Well,
My mom was best friends with my dad's sister,
But they had never actually met.
And so as soon as they did,
It was like an instant thing.
And then they were inseparable and then just got married and move in together,
You know,
And then I was born like the next year.
So it's like a quick,
You know,
And now,
You know,
Now they're retired and hysterically had it together as like,
You know,
In their retirement.
So I still,
Still a good example.
Still what I hope to be.
I love that.
I love that.
Okay,
So Mae,
When you think of you and Chris,
How did you know or when did you first realize,
Besides that you guys have been secretly in love with each other because that's really exciting.
But at one point,
Did you realize like,
Wait a second.
This is real.
Like this is like legit love.
This is more than less,
More than infatuation,
More than just like that crazy crush.
And you knew like,
Hey,
I'm really special to him and he's really special to me.
I think it really comes down to the little daily thing.
So,
You know,
Like you're just living your life,
Getting up and going to work and visiting your folks and doing whatever mundane thing.
And he would always make sure,
This is like before cell phones,
You couldn't text to check up.
Like you couldn't be lazy about checking in.
You had to like,
You know,
I can remember like a couple of times and he's a workaholic and like a typical computer guy.
So he'll sit down and not so much now because world or life is different,
But then he would get absorbed in what he was doing.
And then,
You know,
I have no idea how many hours had passed,
Right?
So I would like leave,
Okay,
I'm going to go to work and then I'm going to go do this and then I'll see you like way later.
And then you're like,
Okay,
Fine.
And then I wouldn't come home from work when I was supposed to because he missed the part where I'm going to do something else.
And I can remember numerous times that he would like go looking for me,
Like go to my best friend's house or like,
You know,
Call this person,
Like,
You know,
And like pick me out and find me so that we could hang out after work wherever I happen to be,
Like things like that.
Or,
You know,
I'd come home and he would have already maybe like done a task that I was already doing or he's like,
He,
We both hit grocery shopping.
So if he would like pop out and go get things that he knew I would want to have on hand or whatever,
Especially like before weekend when we were going to stay up late and kind of work on our project,
He'd make sure we had,
Back then it was like lots of cherry tokes with our thing.
So he would make sure there was lots of cherry tokes.
And it was like that kind of thing.
He always would go out of his way to do really kind things for me.
And then you'd see other people from the same time that are clearly infatuated with each other or it's like a lust thing or it's a maybe a status thing depending on what you've been brought to the table.
And they,
You know,
Were like,
Would like forget about each other's things like that as opposed to like working hard to find a way to incorporate them into daily life.
So that I think was a big thing that Chris was always trying to do,
Like just thoughtful things here and there that like didn't matter to other people at all.
And he wasn't afraid to be like,
It kind of pissed me off yesterday when he did like whatever.
So he was never afraid to be like,
Because then you're more secure.
I feel like if you're afraid to tell somebody that you're upset with them or whatever,
Then you're not secure in them saying,
But you're not scared to argue or disagree,
You know,
Because you're secure enough in your relationship that you don't need to agree 100% about everything all the time.
And that was kind of another thing was he like would get mad about something but like not mad at me.
It's like mad about something,
Whatever,
You know,
Whatever happened to me.
And then I wouldn't be offended or,
You know,
When someone corrects you,
It's like not always the best feeling.
But I never felt like icky about being corrected as you can sometimes be with people who are maybe a little,
You know,
Not not doing as well as I could.
I think that was a big thing because even with friendships before I would feel like,
You know,
I don't like it when someone corrects me and nobody does correct you in like that,
You know,
Like it like a new spirited kind of way.
He was always cautious to not do that.
Like he's still like that.
But I think that those are probably the two things going to realize like this is this is a thing.
This is going to like we are going to get old together.
Like this is going to work.
I love that.
And is he still thoughtful and do those little kind things today?
Oh,
Yeah,
Definitely.
Yeah,
That is such a game changer.
Like to me that is like the foundation of a successful relationship is having those like and I love how you also said me like it's like on a daily basis those things,
Those little small things that matter to you,
But wouldn't matter to anybody else,
Like the cherry coke or whatever it is today,
Like the tea or whatever,
You know what I mean?
Like those things and I am so glad that you said that because that is my theory that it's like really because as I study couples and I've watched the couples who are super happy and they've been together for a long time.
They're truly just really kind to each other and like the couples who are miserable.
They're not that kind to each other.
You know what I mean?
They're short and that's to say that we can't get snappy sometimes or something like that.
But there's just that underline where you're wondering like are they ever nice to each other?
Like what's happening here,
You know,
And so I love that that that is something that is still strong today,
Which you know,
You guys got 20 years almost.
So close,
Right?
Like almost almost yeah,
And yeah,
I feel like that I agree because my parents do that too.
My parents do like like funny,
You know,
My like recording things for each other on the PBR,
Like silly things like that,
You know,
Or like my dad,
But he retired playing video games all the time and my mom will walk in the room and see him like playing a dragon and so she'll just like wait for him to be done before she,
You know,
Moves into hey,
Can you help me with whatever like this funny,
But who cares,
Right?
But she knows that he doesn't want to have to start this thing all over again.
And she you know,
Anybody who plays video games now,
It can be tedious to have to start the whole thing all over again.
So she'll she doesn't play.
She doesn't care about that stuff,
But she knows that he does.
So she'll just like wait for you know,
Just be thoughtful about whatever it is he's doing,
You know,
Like I have a YouTube channel and I'll be recording and he tiptoes around.
Like if he has a sticky on the inside of the office door that says recording to remind him,
Even if I'm not,
But he's like she could be out there doing that and then he tiptoes and sees the tripod is set up or not if you start talking.
So yeah,
He's still really cool about stuff like that.
And I feel like that that's huge because he could just come out of the office talking like,
You know,
People would,
You know,
But he knows that it's a pretty good chance of not here doing something.
I don't want to have that in the background and he's like thoughtful about it or whatever the thing is.
He's really good at being thoughtful about stuff like that.
I love that and I think also what you're bringing up too,
Which is super important.
Like even your mom's example of like the video games and stuff like that is I mean my husband Keoni,
He's always like there is not a guy alive that doesn't like to play video games.
Like I don't care how old he is or who you think he is.
He would like to play a video game at least once in a while,
Even if it's just a friend or something or for 10 minutes.
He still wants to play and it makes sense because of the whole like progress and all that stuff,
Right?
But but a lot of women will feel like really mad about that and really upset about it and ask the guy to not play and I think the bottom line comes down to is do you know,
You're the priority right?
Like if you know,
You're the priority in the relationship,
Then the video game or anything isn't a big deal.
But if you are questioning your love like am I oh the video games more important than me or the cell phones more important than me or I don't know having spaghetti on Wednesdays is more important than me.
Then it becomes an issue of resentment versus an issue of connecting.
So I think it shows that you guys and you've even witnessed your parents like making sure that you guys know that your relationship is a priority and everything else is just like something that you can you don't feel threatened by and you feel honored in it.
That's a really good point.
Yeah,
Because I was going to ask you like did you did you ever feel scared by this love that you had with him?
You know what I mean?
Like sometimes it can feel so real and so intense and then it like can scare people.
Did you ever have that experience?
Not really,
But I think but shortly after we got engaged,
I got pregnant with with our son with our oldest and that was like its own kind of terrifying thing.
And because I was 19 and so I you know,
Like that oh my God,
You know,
Like now what and if you see it happen to other people and obviously it's never a surprise.
So people say surprise like,
You know how that works.
So it can't really be that big a surprise,
But it still somehow is,
You know,
And you know,
It was never any question like what we were going to do like,
Hey,
We're having a big we're having our first meeting now instead of whatever we thought that might have happened.
And I don't even think we had a real timeline for that because I was in my first year of University.
So we were you know,
Kind of take life as it happens and I and that was very scary and maybe also made our relationship more.
I don't want to say more real because obviously it was already but maybe he didn't freak out that I didn't frame it with freaked out together and whoa,
We're doing this but he didn't freak out like a lot of other people a lot of other 20 year old youth with like this freak out and like geek out,
You know,
Because that's a scary time or even the other way around.
I've seen a girl the same age kind of freaked out and be like,
I need to go back to my mom's house and just figure this out because I can't do this,
You know,
And and it was never like that.
Like he was just like,
Hey,
It's what we're doing.
So we're going to have to like figure this out.
And so a lot of it just became kind of like you took a lot of like parenting classes together when I was pregnant and we did the whole like Lamaze thing and stuff together and that was a big deal and kind of again like showing not just like it's just showing like this is a team effort.
And so like having a baby isn't a thing that's happening like to me,
You know,
Like having a baby happened to us and it was something we were doing together and we needed to be like this fun wild ride instead of you know,
Like the scary we weren't really bickering actually,
We're just trying to I think we spent a lot of time convincing each other.
We'd be awesome parents and that really helped build morale on both times because we believe each other.
You know,
I'm sure all those classes help you because you don't really know what you're doing when you're done.
Yeah.
Yes,
And that's so funny.
I was literally thinking as you were telling your story,
I was like,
Wow,
You guys really showed up as a team and then you're like,
Yeah,
This is a team is happening to us.
I think that is such a game changer.
I love that.
So can you think about,
You know,
Whenever you guys do have a disagreement,
Could you share like how you guys handle disagreements or conflict in your relationship or even transitions?
Like how do you guys remain a team even though you disagree on something?
I think sometimes like it's in the moment,
But they're one example is many many years ago.
We bought a house in the woods and my husband really was we've tried on a lot of different lives.
And so one thing that he wanted to do was like get away from everything.
He's like we should go by this house in the middle of nowhere and kind of,
You know,
Not necessarily try home setting but like,
You know,
Low-key like you're living in the woods.
You have a big garden like let's go do that.
And I'm such an urban kid,
But I was like let's not.
That sounds like a terrible idea.
I don't want to do that.
I hate bugs.
I hate dirt.
Like I don't even drive.
Like I don't want to do any of this stuff.
And then he's like,
Okay,
So where we won't do it.
If you really really don't want to do it,
But he was he's always very much like why don't you want to do whatever it is?
Like why do you disagree and sometimes it's why do you disagree and then not that I persuade him but I explained to him like all the reasons why I think it's a bad idea and then he'll turn around and be like,
You know,
Those are actually some very compelling reasons and in this case he was like none of those are very good reasons.
And he was right.
He's like maybe think about you just don't want to leave your city.
You're just happy with the convenience of your city when really financially it would be so much better for us to do that.
And it was we ended up so much further ahead from doing that.
Then we wouldn't have been if we had stayed.
There were a lot of positive things that happened because we ended up doing that and sometimes he can see those things and I can't and sometimes I can see them if he can't and I think I don't know where along the way that that happened to help us trust each other like that,
But I moved to the woods even though I didn't really want to and then I almost immediately like I would say immediately because like the first couple weeks I was like there's bugs that the spiders are colorful.
Like this is not good.
You know,
Like colorful spiders are not cool.
Although they're less likely to bite you.
But anyway,
It was so scary.
And then maybe after a month I was beginning to see all of these things that he had talked about that were going to happen and then they were happening,
You know,
Like he was totally right about that and there had been similar instances where I have been sure that something is a good idea that he thinks is a terrible idea and then,
You know,
We'll go ahead and do it anyway because you know,
Sometimes we'll sit there in front of a whiteboard and work stuff out on a whiteboard and you'll look at the whiteboard and be like,
I didn't like you'll start disagreeing with yourself.
Like I didn't even realize that my argument was so weak now that I see it on the whiteboard.
This is a bad idea,
You know,
Or the other way around or sometimes you'll end up defending the other person's idea when you're sitting there and it becomes like a project or a task to figure out and you're kind of just doing it together.
It could just be because we started together so young and we've never,
Not that our family's been offered help us,
But we've never really taken help from our family.
Maybe just because we're frightful or stubborn or like I don't know if it's super good reasons,
But we've always just been like Chris and Mae against the world,
Like we can do this and I think having a lot of adversity at the beginning kind of helped us always be on the team together.
So there wasn't really a lot of like,
Like,
You know,
Yeah,
I really like that.
I like that you guys try to understand each other and give each other like that space to express and ask questions and try to figure out and understand each other's viewpoint.
So when you're on the marker board,
Are you like taking your emotions out of it so it's not personal?
Like you're not making it about like,
You know,
A personal,
It doesn't feel like a personal attack you're just really brainstorming and trying to view it.
Like how,
Like what are you writing on that whiteboard?
A lot of the time it's pros and cons or if one person feels like in that situation with moving to the woods,
It was like a numbers thing.
It was like,
Look,
It caused X to do this life here.
Every month,
You can't change that.
It caused X to do life there.
Every month you can't change that.
And that's when you can be kind of emotional and be like,
Yeah,
But this is here and that's here.
And then,
You know,
There can be emotional ties to it but I feel like we try really hard to not do that.
So we're looking at it like,
Okay,
This is the problem we have to solve.
Like do we move to the woods or not?
And then why?
And then,
You know,
Like it's not just us.
So the other thing is almost always been like us plus one and then two and then three.
So we have a family that we're also,
Is always the other thing that's on the whiteboard that you're,
You know,
Like working all of this for,
Right?
And then I think that makes it a little bit easier to take some of the emotion away because it's not so much like your idea,
My idea.
It's more like,
Like these are two options and we have to figure out what's best for the five of us to,
You know,
And we've done that,
You know,
As recently as 18 months ago-ish,
We made a huge move from Los Angeles back to Toronto,
Like a big international move and it was scary and there were a lot of reasons to stay and a lot of reasons to come back and we both would jump back and forth.
Like you'd be the one that would wanna go back and I'd be the one that would wanna stay and then it would be the other way around.
So it really became like,
What are the actual reasons for doing these things and what actually makes the most sense to do for,
You know,
For the future of our family?
And then through that,
We landed on the thing because emotionally I didn't wanna leave my cute place in LA,
You know,
Emotionally I did not wanna leave that but the whiteboard said it just made more sense too.
So I think,
Like I can remember like with parenting,
You might set like a timer to tell the kid,
Like,
Oh,
It's not my fault,
It's the timer's fault.
Like we get a lot of that,
Like time's just off,
I can't control that.
So I think that's another kind of extension of that with the whiteboard,
Like it's nobody's fault.
It just is what the information says,
Like the go by what we know,
You know?
I like that,
It's almost like you're tying together the emotional and the logical and seeing what comes out the best because it also sounds like you and Chris are the type of couple like,
Let's say you were like emotionally like,
I just really love being able to go to the ocean.
Like that just fills me up in such a way that nothing else can.
And then I imagine Chris would be like,
Okay,
Well,
We'll just make sure that we take a vacation to go to the ocean.
Right,
Yeah.
But the cool thing is,
Is we could go to different oceans now and stuff like that,
Would that be right?
Oh,
Absolutely,
Yeah.
Or even like funny things,
You'd be like,
Is this the ocean or is it just water?
Because there's plenty of lakes in Ontario,
You know,
That kind of thing.
Is it the ocean or is it like your girlfriends that you go to the ocean with because you can't recreate that elsewhere because they live here.
Like those kinds of things that happened during other moves where it was like,
Is it places really?
Or is it like the feeling that's in both of these places?
Because sometimes you can recreate a similar feeling somewhere else.
And then also,
You know,
Are you,
You know,
Are you forgetting there are other amazing feelings you can have that you don't even have right now.
You're not even experiencing them because you don't have,
You know,
Whatever the other place's big draw is,
You know?
So,
But we moved around quite a bit and every time it's a,
Not every time,
But sometimes it's an easy choice.
Most of the time there's a whiteboard involved.
I love that.
Okay,
So you guys use the whiteboard to help with disagreements.
And how do you guys celebrate each other's wins?
I feel like we're always each other's biggest cheerleaders.
So,
I mean,
I think my kids and our friends would definitely say that,
Like,
It doesn't take much for us to be really stoked about the other person has cheated something.
It was like a big deal or a small deal.
It's like,
Well,
This is what you can do.
Like,
It becomes a fun thing.
And,
You know,
Like my husband has always had like,
You know,
Important jobs.
Like lots of people rely on him.
It's a big deal.
And there's like lots of money on the line all the time.
It's like this big thing.
And then like what I do,
Especially right now,
It's more like with a lot of social media stuff,
Like it's very much a different world,
You know?
And he will celebrate all of my,
Like,
You know,
Like I think they're important,
But a lot of other people,
Like I do some test knitting for like knitting patterns and stuff and he'll be like,
Oh,
Did you finally figure that out?
And he doesn't even knit.
Like he has no idea,
But he knows that I'm complaining about,
You know,
Like shoulder shaping or whatever.
And he'll be like,
Did you figure out that shoulder shaping?
I'm like,
No,
I was like,
I know that was really hard for you and it's so funny because my dad will be like,
You guys sound like an average school special.
Oh my gosh,
That's adorable.
I know I was looking at your Instagram feed and it looked like you made a sweater that matched for you and your dog.
Yeah,
Not true.
Yeah,
I was very excited because I couldn't figure it out.
It's very hard to do those tiny little sleeves,
You know?
And he sits here with me at night after the kids go to bed,
He'll bring out his laptop and I'll sit there and knit and then we're watching TV passively and chatting while we each work on our projects together.
Or if I can,
You know,
Sometimes it'll be wherever,
But we're always like together at night doing whatever it is we're doing and then talking to each other about whatever our challenges are,
Even though we might not understand what we're doing and we might not understand at all what the other person is even talking about.
And he really celebrated that not so sweater because it was hard.
That's awesome and I love that you guys spend quality time together because that is so,
So important and so many couples will only spend like a blip of the time in a week together and then they are wondering why their relationship,
You know,
Has issues.
You know,
You got this one together.
I feel like a lot of people feel like they need to do like their,
You know,
Like their weekly date night and they're like,
No matter what,
We go to dinner,
Like every Wednesday night is our thing,
But literally they just like go and eat dinner together every Wednesday.
They're not necessarily reconnecting or having fun or whatever.
Maybe it's an obligation because maybe you would rather be doing something else at night,
Which is like,
You know,
People are afraid to even say that,
But like,
It's okay to be like,
I would rather really finish knitting with sweater than go to dinner with you.
Can we just hang together,
You know?
But we play video games together a lot actually and he credits that as being a thing.
We play these house co-op games.
There's a lot of like screaming,
But there's a theme called overcook and overcook too that I cannot possibly recognize.
It's a kid's game,
Okay?
It's a kid's game.
It's ridiculous.
You're basically like preparing assembly line food,
Like it shows you what recipe you're doing and you both need to cut things up and whatever,
But you can't both access the same thing.
So you chop,
I do this,
Whatever.
And we'll be screaming like,
That's too many tomatoes!
Where is all the bread?
Like it's hilarious.
And then you just end up clapping and laughing like you're not even mad.
It is so,
So funny.
The kids will come up and be like,
We are trying to sleep.
So if you could stop screaming at the tomatoes,
That would be great.
But I feel like just keeping it playful is a big deal.
I love it.
Because you know,
Like otherwise people are taking themselves way too seriously.
We never commit to,
Oh,
I need to have dinner with you every,
You know,
Like once a week or something.
Like we sit down together as a family,
Have dinner together as a family,
Pretty much every night.
Sometimes on the weekends,
You know,
It's a little more wherever,
But if everybody's home and everybody's together,
Then we're always eating dinner together.
So we have that like with them.
And I'm sure we'll continue to do that as they,
You know,
Grow up and go do their own thing.
And they're not around anymore,
I suspect.
But we definitely treasure our late,
Late nights.
And those are our funny reconnections in pajama pants with Nacho on the couch doing what we do,
Instead of like a formal,
You know,
Go do these dates once a week.
Like I see so many people that I know are miserable doing their weekly dates.
That's not always the answer,
Right?
A lot of people feel like,
Oh,
Date night.
But we haven't done date night,
We used to do date night.
And then it became kind of like,
Do you actually feel like putting real pants on today?
Or like who we just do,
Who is or Chinese hang out?
So a lot of the time it's just taking that pressure off yourself and being really playful.
Instead of feeling like you need to do,
You know,
What you're maybe like,
What maybe all your friends are doing to reconnect with their stuff.
You don't need to do the same thing as everybody else is doing,
Do whatever it is that makes it work for you guys,
You know?
Yeah,
I love that.
As long as you're connecting and being playful and having the time to actually like spend together,
It doesn't matter if it's in the house or out of the house,
As long as it works for you and you feel like you're filling up your tanks to each other and you're actually connecting and,
You know,
Nurturing that bond that you have.
Those are,
That's awesome.
I love that you also said you guys are so playful together.
Okay,
So now I wanna think about like the life of your relationship and what was the best advice and the worst advice you've received when it comes to your relationship?
I think probably the best advice is to make sure that you're always friends.
So that is probably more important than relationshipy stuff because I feel like,
You know,
I mean,
If you get together in your 20s and you wanna live into your 80s,
That's 60 years.
That's a long time,
Right?
And I feel like there can be a lot that happens in that time or maybe,
You know,
Like your spouse does something that would pick you off more than if your friend did it,
You know?
And then we have to remember that like we're all people and if you began as good friends and then it evolved into a relationship,
You're still friends too,
You know?
And there's sometimes a different comfort level there where a friend may feel more comfortable being able to come at you in a way that like,
Like,
You know,
Inappropriate for your spouse to,
But if they know you just as well or even better than,
You know,
Like,
I think a lot of it is about maintaining a friendship which is maybe part of being playful,
Then just always worried about the relationshipy stuff,
Like talking all the time about like,
Where are we gonna be in two years or 10 years or like what's next or whatever instead of kind of letting things happen because you tend to not,
You know,
Talk to your girlfriend by that,
Like you're not asking,
You know,
Where your relationship with your bestie is gonna be in five or 10 years,
You know?
But a lot of people feel like that's the thing,
You gotta reassess your romantic relationships like that,
Where are we going?
What are we gonna be doing?
And it's maybe not as important as just like,
Hang out and maybe cooking dinner together,
Or like,
You know,
Hosting,
Having your friends over,
Like having that kind of playful stuff.
So that's probably the best advice I think is to stay friends.
And then the worst advice is maybe like don't go to bed angry because sometimes you need to just like calm down.
And if it's already two o'clock in the morning,
You're not gonna calm down and get a good night's sleep.
Just go to bed,
It's gonna be okay.
And then probably you wake up in the morning,
You're not even mad anymore because you had a good sleep.
And then you wake up like,
I'm sorry,
I was such a jerk yesterday.
I feel like you're more likely to wake up and apologize.
And if you agonize over while you're still mad,
Hurt,
Whatever,
At night.
I feel like night can sometimes be a time when you should just have a glass of water and go to bed and try again in the morning.
So my parents would always say that,
They'd be like,
You can go to bed angry if you need to.
And then wake up and like each other again.
Don't fight above all night.
I like that,
And then wake up and like each other again.
Cause I've even had that experience myself where I'm so mad and we go to bed and then I wake up and then like maybe an hour later,
I'm like,
Oh yeah,
Wait,
I was so mad at you last night.
Oh yeah,
And then it does,
It kind of refreshes you because when you're tired and you're just like,
Oh,
I just wanna go to sleep right now,
Or the other person just wants to go to sleep.
And I think people will sometimes confuse that with like,
Oh,
They don't care about me and they don't care that my feelings are hurt and they don't wanna work this out.
So that's why I think it's so important if you are gonna do that,
To like make sure you continue the conversation later.
And like you said,
Like even apologize,
Like somehow reconnect.
Like going to bed doesn't mean you're off the hook to resolving the issue.
It just means get some rest.
Like you said,
Get some water,
Go to bed and like each other again in the morning.
Cause I'm sure after 20 years,
You know that like part of that friendship is also,
Your relationship is gonna be laced with forgiveness and understanding and not expecting the other person to be this like robotic perfection because they are human.
Exactly,
Exactly.
And I feel like the more you allow the other person to just be human,
Then they allow you to just be human.
And then,
You know,
Like nobody's perfect obviously.
And then the longer you are with someone,
The more you see how they're not perfect and the more they see how you're not,
You know.
And then at the same time,
I'm sure my husband also say,
You also see how perfect they are because you see through a lot of the garbage that mattered to you five years ago,
10 years ago,
That doesn't matter to you anymore.
And there's definitely harder seasons in life,
Right?
So if you choose to have children,
Then like those like baby times can be rough.
Everybody's tired.
Everybody maybe has,
We didn't have a lot of expectations that weren't talked about because I feel like we really talked about everything when we were really good friends kind of falling in love with each other.
So like he knew that I wanted to be able to stay home with my kids and I knew that he wanted to be like that guy that supports his family.
So like,
Because we already knew that about each other,
That was like an easy thing to get into,
But maybe he didn't realize the crushing pressure being the one that takes care of your family financially.
Maybe I didn't realize the crushing pressure of being the one to stay home with the kids all the time.
And then what does that mean exactly?
What are the,
Is it just kids?
Is it always other duties?
Am I like,
Are you never cooking a meal again?
Like what's going on,
Right?
So I think that when,
You know,
There's back to hard season,
Moving can be hard depending on who wants to move,
Who doesn't,
You know?
And then dips in finances or even the other way around,
Like having a lot of money,
But that means that maybe like you're working a lot and then not around each other as much.
And so there's a lot of stuff that happens over that course of time.
I've seen with my parents too,
Now they're in a phase of life where they're stressed sometimes because maybe somebody has to have surgery.
And that's like,
You know,
Like as my dad would say,
When you enter like old people stuff starts happening to you,
That phase of life is scary.
And then you're scared for each other and you're kind of scared for yourself,
You know,
Just,
I don't know,
Because I'm not 55 yet,
But this is what they're telling me,
That it can be scary and it's scary to watch a social through stuff.
So they,
You know,
Again,
Try to keep it playful,
But you recognize that that's a season.
Like that's one of those things that's going to be scary that you're going to go through.
And you have to,
You know,
Not be snapping at each other about stuff.
When we went,
I accompanied my parents,
My dad had day surgery.
My mother had zero reason to be there because I was there to help.
And she obviously had to come because she couldn't go under without her being in the room,
Which is awesome.
So we went and everybody snapping at each other in the waiting room,
Like not my folks,
But I mean a lot of other people,
Because it's stressful.
Maybe it's a longer wait time than you thought it was going to be,
Or it's like a whatever's happening.
And they're like joking around with each other and stuff.
And I was thinking,
Fine,
Him and his house fell again because nobody looks good in one.
And you know,
Like this kind of stuff.
And I feel like that helps a lot when you realize that there's a lot of stuff that's going to happen over the course of,
You know,
Even 10 or 20 years.
But if you're hoping to be together for 40,
50,
60 years,
A lot of stuff will happen.
And there will be a lot of seasons of life where,
You know,
You just have to like push through it.
Like stuff's going to happen and you pick like,
We're going to be together through it.
Or,
I mean,
I don't know why not,
Because I haven't been there,
But every time we say something scary,
We're like,
We're just going to do this.
And maybe we bicker,
Or maybe you're working a lot or whatever,
But obviously we're going to come up with a plan.
And I think that that the partnership and knowing there's going to be a lot of stuff,
Is that combination really helps.
Yeah,
I know everything you said there,
I loved it.
That was really powerful and really good because we do have different seasons.
And like,
Even having that first kid,
Like I only,
We only have one kiddo,
But Keone,
He said some of the best advice he ever got was like,
Do not get a divorce in the first five years of that child's life,
Because those are going to be extremely hard years.
You're going to be extremely tired,
Exhausted.
You're going to be way shorter with each other.
So it is,
And that's when we go back to what you said at the beginning,
It's those little daily things that you do and how you're showing up on a daily basis for each other and as friends and on the same team.
I love that,
That's so important.
So Mae,
You've already said so many really good things,
But I'm really curious,
Do you have like,
If you could tell everybody something about love,
Or if there was a question that you wish people asked you about love in relationships,
What would it be?
I really think every time people ask me like,
Oh,
How do you guys stay together through,
You know,
All these years and all this stuff and whatever,
All the stress,
Because whatever stuff happens,
I always just think like,
Because we picked you,
You know,
And like,
I know that sounds so simple,
Like it's so simple,
But I also feel like it is so simple,
You know,
Like you make like a pact when you get married,
You know,
Like,
Yes,
It's balanced and it's really just for some people and it's like legal for some people,
Like it's just a piece of paper for some people,
But like,
You're just promising.
It's like the biggest,
Best pinky promise you ever make,
You know,
Like we're gonna do all of this stuff together,
Right,
And then you pinky for it,
You're gonna do it together,
And then when hard things happen,
Like trouble with in-laws,
Maybe your parents hate him or his parents hate you or you don't like your sister or whatever,
That can cause a huge problem,
You know,
Or like you have bouts of infertility.
That's the problem,
Or,
You know,
You have like issues with money,
Like all these things can be a big problem,
Issues with health,
Whatever,
And as long as you,
Like you promised you were gonna get through it together,
Then it's like,
Let's just feed through the problem,
And then when you come out the problem,
Then maybe you can decide if you,
You know,
Want to reassess your relationship or not,
But what you actually said,
Like don't get divorced in the first five years because it's hard,
I feel like maybe don't get divorced during,
In transition,
Either,
Like we'll make those kind of decisions during those times because I've never really wanted to totally run away,
But I think that it'd be easier to when there's,
You know,
Fear or uncertainty or,
You know,
Something that you may be so angry when five years later,
Like it doesn't even matter,
Like we run into people years later that we haven't seen in like 15 years.
They're like,
Wow,
How did you ever make it through,
You know,
These international moves or secondary infertility or like any of these things that we're dealt with?
And I was like,
I barely even remember that being an issue.
Everything seemed so long ago that isn't right now.
Yeah,
Like I think that's the thing,
The more years you put in,
Like my parents joke all the time,
Like my,
They'll talk about stuff that happened like 30,
40 years ago,
And they're like,
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I was like,
That was the thing,
Really?
I got mad about that or whatever.
So a lot of it's like,
You just promised,
Right?
So.
Yeah.
Try to make it through to the next thing.
But I think that when people ask me how we stay together,
I always just say just because we picked two,
You know,
Because we wanted to.
Yeah,
That's a really good point.
And even when I think back to when we first had our son and you're so tired and all that,
But I didn't really feel tired until I think like eight months in,
I was just so like jazzed off life and having him.
And,
But when I think back,
I'm like,
I can only remember really like the shiny moments,
The moments where Keone showed up when I needed him to and how he did and like,
Yeah,
There was probably annoyances and I was really tired.
Like,
Let me take a nap.
I just need to sleep for 30 minutes,
You know,
Or something like that.
But it was more of like my memories that I choose to focus on are the little moments of like,
How he made me the salads or how he always made sure I had water next to me when I was breastfeeding,
You know,
All that sort of stuff.
The thoughtful moments,
The kindness that is always laced throughout our relationship.
I think that without that kindness,
It would be so much harder to make it through the transitions.
Yeah.
And without that playfulness,
Like I think that's why I think that like that playfulness and the kindness really are so important to make it through all the transitions and everything.
I think what you said is just,
It's so cool to see like you practicing that too.
And that is like so evident in your relationship.
I just love it so much.
And so I'm curious,
May,
If you want to share with people where they could find you,
If they want to just kind of follow you,
Get to know you more,
All of that good stuff,
Where would they find you?
The best is probably Instagram.
I'm at MrsMayShank on Instagram.
And I also blog over at mrsshank.
Ca.
Those are probably the two best places to find me.
And what do you blog about?
Mostly I blog about recipes.
And I also do a lot of crafty stuff like knitting pattern reviews and things like that.
And then sometimes I do some like time management,
Personal development,
Sort of things like that too.
So sort of,
You know,
Crafting,
Cooking and finding time to do those things.
Love it,
Love it,
Love it,
Love it.
Okay,
May,
My last question for you.
How has love changed you?
You know,
I think because our last anniversary,
I realized I had been married longer than I hadn't been.
So like my whole adult life,
I think that because we've been together so long,
It like has shaped me into an adult,
You know,
Like a mother,
A spouse of all this time.
I think that if anything,
It has helped me to grow into someone who is playful and patient and just like playful and patient over everything else.
I think that when you're looking for a spouse now,
Because at the time I wasn't really looking for anybody because I was a teenager.
But when you're looking for a spouse,
I think it is really about if you have that playfulness and you have that thoughtfulness,
Then you're gonna be able to do whatever because then you can work through stuff.
And you're right,
But if you don't have that,
Then you're not gonna be able to.
And it can shape you poorly.
Like it could be a bad thing if you get married at 19 and you're shaped without kindness and without patience and without playfulness.
That can make you be maybe,
You know,
As the opposite of what you want.
Like you're not gonna be having a good time all the time.
You're gonna be having more bad days than good,
You know,
If you don't have that support.
So I think it has made me more playful and more patient because I have my best friend to go along and do all these crazy things with.
If I didn't have him and we didn't have what we have,
Then I don't think any day would be as much fun as it is.
I love that.
Thank you so much,
May,
For coming on and sharing your love story and like the wisdom that you've learned throughout your relationship.
I think you dropped so many golden nuggets for people that I hope anybody who is listening,
Who isn't already doing these things in their relationship,
That they add them to theirs,
Including like the whiteboard or their own version of that.
Because the whiteboard is so great.
So great.
Well,
Thank you so much for having me.
I appreciate that.
Yeah,
This is awesome.
Thank you so much for spending some of your time with me today and make sure to share this episode with someone and leave a review.
And remember,
You're worthy of incredible love.
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