When Anger Is All About You

The hard part about anger is recognizing your part in it, even when you're not the one at fault. When you're offended or hurt, anger arises naturally. There are definitely ways to express it without losing control, but the desire to lose it can be visceral. First, we admit the hurt (which is hard when pride gets in the way), then we prepare yourself for the next time, ready to stay cool; then we try. It takes repetition as well as some failure, but that's how we learn the best.

Transcript

Hello everybody and welcome to Mindfulness Live.

This week we're talking about anger and today I want to talk about how to express anger and how not to express it.

The problem with anger is that it takes us over very easily and maintaining objectivity and clarity about yourself is really hard.

It tends to shut down all those good self-regulating mindsets and so that all that's left is anger and resentment and pain and it's hard.

So we'll be looking at that in a few minutes but first of all make yourselves comfortable,

Take a nice breath and enjoy it.

Ah this is you being alive,

Being conscious,

Being reflective,

Mindful,

Thoughtful,

Taking the time to care for yourself by breathing consciously.

Some breaths are long,

Some are short.

No two breaths are the same,

No two moments are the same and really every moment has a different version of you which also is never the same.

You're always growing,

Always changing,

Always experiencing and feeling something new.

So this is not the same old breath,

It's a brand new breath right here,

Right now at your fingertips.

You don't have to look for it,

You don't have to do anything with it.

Just go through the breath consciously,

Clearly,

Allowing your mind to settle,

Taking the time to see how you feel.

How are you feeling this morning,

This afternoon,

This evening?

How do you feel now?

Of course now is easy when you're sitting alone in a quiet room.

So think about how you can maintain that present awareness by coming back to your breath again and again,

Not just in meditation but in the day.

Taking one breath,

Taking one moment to ask yourself how am I doing?

What am I feeling?

How does that affect my thoughts?

Staying with the breath,

Feeling the breath in your chest,

In your throat,

In your body,

Feeling it even in your posture,

Your movements,

Feeling the breath from the inside as a sort of as a sort of rhythm coming and going,

Shifting from moment to moment,

Awareness to awareness.

And now taking three more breaths,

Open your eyes.

So anger,

What's good about it and what's bad about it?

What's good about it?

Yes there is something,

But first of all that we expect the bad.

We expect anger to be bad.

It usually triggers a loss of self-monitoring and objectivity.

In other words we go wacko.

Okay,

Well usually,

I don't know for you,

But that's the way that I experienced anger at its worst when I was completely uncontrolled as a child and a young adult I suppose.

So losing objectivity is exactly what we don't want to do.

Somehow we have to hold on to it.

Okay,

This is the bottom line.

Either we make an effort,

We accept that the anger is coming out of us or we judge and we blame that the anger is coming at us.

Somebody else is making us angry,

It's their fault.

That is exactly what leads to that lack,

That avoidance of self-reflection.

I'm too busy blaming the other person and of course the whole purpose of blame is to escape blame by pointing your finger elsewhere.

So that tends to work quite well in the short term,

But of course in the long term there are problems because any anger that remains unexpressed,

Any needs that are not,

You know,

Asserted,

They just start to feel unreasonable.

I feel shame,

I feel embarrassed,

I don't have a right to be angry.

So the first step is to simply tell yourself I am angry.

Okay,

It's okay to be angry.

It tells us when our space is invaded,

It tells us when our freedom has been squashed,

When our pride has been injured,

Okay,

When we've been ripped off either emotionally or literally or whatever.

Anger is a signal from inside and so our first reaction,

Ideally,

It's not always easy.

Changing your anger reaction is very hard.

It takes a lot of time and a lot of effort,

But it does work and it is very,

Very important.

It is one of our most energetic emotions.

So when we harness it,

It becomes a very powerful source of insight.

So the first thing we know is that I've been injured,

I've been hurt because I feel hurt.

And the next thing I notice is that I want to lash out.

I want to blame somebody for that hurt.

And this is the crux.

This is the most important moment of all because as soon as you tip towards blame,

It's like unleashing a torrent of energy and it's hard to stop it.

But if at that moment you're able to turn your gaze inside and say,

Well,

Why am I angry?

Then it's a different matter altogether.

Now,

The anger may be totally justified.

Usually there is some cause.

We don't get angry for nothing.

So we've got to get over this idea as we spoke about on Wednesday,

This idea that anger is bad.

I have to stop being angry.

That's not helpful at all.

In fact,

It's unhelpful in the sense that it forces us to suppress anger and to suppress the conflict.

And the consequences of anger,

All that shame and guilt and embarrassment and all that stuff.

I don't feel that.

I'm fine.

I feel great.

So we go into denial.

And this is how this incredible display of simply refusing reality.

That's how it comes to pass.

That's what we're good at as human beings.

It's quite something.

The actual mechanics of it.

If you can step in there and say,

Where is that anger coming from?

How am I hurt?

Then you've got a good chance of not overreacting.

But you might underreact.

You might say,

Well,

It doesn't really matter,

Or it's just a small thing,

Or I can let it go.

That's not being fair to yourself.

It's a sort of self-abuse,

Not acknowledging your anger,

Your right to be angry,

Even if it's you're wrong.

Even if the other person didn't hurt you in the way you think,

Maybe it's something still.

When you feel anger,

You have a right to feel it,

And you have a right to express it.

First of all,

You express it to yourself,

But in an objective way,

Not that this person made me angry,

But I'm reacting with anger.

So go back one step from the reaction to the actual emotion itself.

I'm angry,

I'm hurt.

Two go together,

Right?

Once you do that,

Then you can take a breath.

Then you can start to think about,

Okay,

Well,

How do I negotiate this?

I don't want to suppress my anger.

I don't want to blow up and lose my cool.

So I need to be objective about it.

Okay.

So think before you speak,

Express your concerns.

And this is the hard part.

How do you tell the person who has just made you angry?

I know he hasn't,

We're saying that I make myself angry,

But still,

The way we speak and the way we think,

This person has made me angry.

How can I speak calmly to him or her?

It takes an effort.

It takes practice at being mindful of being quiet.

And it also takes practice at being completely honest and frank.

And being frank doesn't mean you scream.

Being frank doesn't mean you point the finger or blame.

Being frank means that you say exactly what's happening because you're also being objective at the same time.

So you don't say you hurt me,

You say I'm hurting.

When you said that,

That hurt.

I feel pain.

I'm angry.

You don't have a right to say that.

You can say whatever you want.

But the first thing to do is to connect with this other person in a way which doesn't raise the stakes.

You don't want the other person to get defensive.

And that's why instead of saying you made me angry,

You say I feel angry.

You talk about yourself.

And that doesn't guarantee that the other person isn't defensive,

But it doesn't trigger their defenses quite as immediately as saying you made me angry.

That's most people will say why?

Why?

I didn't do anything wrong.

I didn't mean that.

You know how it goes.

So once you're calm,

Then you can express your concerns.

But maintaining your calm may be hard too.

Again,

You have to you're doing two things.

You're managing your own emotions and you have to manage the other person's emotions too to a certain extent.

I mean,

You're not responsible for them,

But you don't want to trigger them.

So it's this is there's a lot going on.

It's not easy.

Managing anger is not easy,

But it's it's not negotiable either.

You have to do it because if you get lost in anger,

There's no mindfulness at all.

There's no ongoing practice.

If you get stuck,

If you're this,

If you're if if it becomes a familiar,

Useful pattern for you to explode and react angrily,

Then that's going to undermine your mindfulness practice pretty decisively.

We have to address this.

We have to understand when we're angry.

That's the first one.

And then we have to get into that habit.

First thing you say is I feel angry and then you join the dots.

Well,

It's because of those words or because of that act or whatever the reason is.

Something made me angry.

Some piece of knowledge triggered that anger.

And it's not actually the knowledge,

It's the hurt,

That feeling,

That emotion of hurt triggers my desire to lash out or to defend myself.

Keep your eye on that.

It's about me,

My anger.

This is my mental pattern.

This is how I'm responding.

And if I'm not careful in this situation,

I'm going to trigger more outbursts from this other person.

I'm going to raise the stakes and I might lose it.

So I want to stay calm.

But I don't want to swallow my anger either.

I need to express it.

Because if I swallow it,

Then it turns into something that hurts me even more.

And not just occasionally when I feel angry,

When I feel angry,

But it hurts me continuously.

It's always there,

It's eating away.

And it's prepping me to be more angry,

Or more often angry,

More easily angry.

It's a sort of a brute force thing.

I mean,

Making friends with your anger,

It's not easy.

But this is basically what you have to do.

You have to accept,

Oh,

I'm angry.

That's a sign from me,

From my body mind,

Saying that something's wrong.

I have to attend,

I have to pay attention to something.

That's the first step.

What am I doing?

What's going on in there?

What patterns are playing out?

Now,

When you can't do that,

Because you're literally in the middle of a fight,

Or an argument,

Or just an uncomfortable silence,

It can be very hard to focus.

That's why it's important to do our formal practice each day.

When we sit in a quiet room,

It reminds us that yes,

I can go there.

Yes,

I have this ability to look at myself and hold myself objectively.

And it helps us go there in these most difficult of all situations.

When we just want to explode,

Just want to express it,

And spew it out.

And whether we do it,

Or we suppress it,

We pay a price for it.

So the key is to express mindfully,

But to communicate.

Keeping it in,

It does a lot of damage,

Causes enormous damage.

Denying our emotions is very harmful.

And that's one of the most harmful,

As you can imagine,

Anger.

It eats away at us.

It distorts our judgment.

It makes us feel,

Well,

It depends,

Self righteous,

Perhaps,

Or shameful.

I feel ashamed,

My anger.

You know,

If I'm trying to be a nice saintly Christian,

Then my anger is a terrible thing,

Which cannot be accepted.

So it also reflects on our self image and the way we see the world.

It is counterintuitive to accept our anger,

Because first of all,

Because it hurts.

So we there's an instinctive push in a way.

And secondly,

Because it's socially unacceptable.

Nobody is supposed to be angry ever,

Right?

In theory.

So there are resistances there,

There are blockages to accepting,

Embracing,

Understanding,

And then acting rationally and objectively on your anger.

So we have to start with small things,

Very small things,

Something very minor.

You know,

When you're living with somebody,

That's really the place to start.

When you're living with somebody,

That person is going to get on your nerves from time to time,

There's no way around it.

So when that happens,

Generally,

You know,

Living together,

We don't express everything,

Because it's,

You know,

Again,

Another,

No,

I'll just keep quiet.

But instead of keeping quiet,

Speak up,

You know,

Say,

Hey,

You know,

You left the butter out all night,

It should have gone in the fridge.

But you don't say it like that,

Do you?

You left the butter out.

You say,

Oh,

I found the butter on the counter.

Did I leave it out last night?

Was that my mistake?

You're opening the door for the other person to say,

No,

It was mine.

But the point is,

You're bringing it up.

And it'll probably get messy.

So but this is where you practice because it's trivial stuff.

You know,

It's not like talking about the existence of your relationship,

You're just talking about a trivial little detail,

But it's practice time,

It's good practice.

And gradually,

You get into the habit of speaking up and realizing that it doesn't have to cause a fight.

It doesn't have to cause distress.

It's just a moment.

And there was already a moment of irritation anyway.

So the irritation was already there.

What's the difference?

The difference is you're not holding it in.

And the difference is that you're communicating,

You're developing a new skill.

And that skill is hard and important,

Hard and important.

So make yourselves comfortable.

Imagine you're really angry right now and take a nice,

Deep breath.

It calms you down right away,

Which doesn't mean the anger can't return.

But it's a good start.

So you try to stay with the breath.

And now you imagine yourself in your place,

Your meditative place.

Well,

Imagine yourself,

You're already there.

Which you can put an image to it,

If you like,

A room location.

Imagine yourself being there.

Imagine yourself feeling hurt,

Feeling angry,

And taking a look at how that feels in your body.

How is your breath?

Maybe it's not as deep or as long or as smooth as it can be.

How about your neck and shoulders?

Are they tight?

Are they in a defensive posture?

How about your face?

Your brow?

Is it in an aggressive posture?

How is your whole body?

Is it loose and relaxed?

Or is it tense and uptight?

Needing to express something?

Try to connect these feelings,

These thoughts,

These sensations.

They all go together.

Your patterns are not completely abstract.

They're not just mental.

They're rooted in your body.

And they're visible in your breath,

Posture,

And in your willingness to confront pain,

And to admit anger,

To accept it without shame or embarrassment,

And to accept it without going crazy over the top.

Keeping your cool,

Staying mindful,

Being mindfully angry.

It's not crazy at all.

That's exactly what we want.

There's no avoiding anger.

But it doesn't have to put us out of control.

So know your anger.

Know the hurt.

Recognize it as your pattern,

Your anger,

Your problem.

And then you can objectify the situation.

You can feel your body,

Feel the body.

Feel the anger as it expresses itself in your stomach,

Shoulder,

Your neck,

Your face,

Sometimes even in your throat.

Get tight.

Makes you want to scream.

See that.

Know that sensation.

Recognize it.

And remember what it's telling you.

You're feeling angry.

And you want to be mindful,

Objective,

And clear.

Staying with the breath.

Now taking three more breaths,

Open your eyes.

Reviews

Lots of truth here. Really funny how triggered that person was about the miniscule butter statement...their anger says a lot about them doesn't it! Lol. Thank you.

I like the idea of practicing - seeing those small tensions being a way of preparing to be mindful during the big ones. Thank you