Heartfelt Forgiveness Part 2: Forgiving Others

Part 2 of our Virtual Sangha talk on forgiveness, we focus on forgiving others with sincerity and compassion. Forgiveness is not always easy but gets easier and more available as we practice seeing others as a human with the same needs and wants and the same vulnerabilities and struggles as us. When we forgive, we open to the possibility of seeing the other with compassion, even without excusing the transgression. This sets our heart free of its burden and makes loving relationships possible.

Transcript

Please come to a comfortable seated position or lying down.

We'll start with our blessing and intention.

Close your eyes.

Be seated in your body.

Bring your mind into your body.

Settle in.

Take three very slow deep breaths in and out.

Let each breath be a little deeper,

A little easier.

Provide a little more opening and a little more release.

May our time together foster our learning and growth,

Our development and our evolution together.

May this Sangha support each one of us and the collective whole.

May we see and be seen.

May we hear and be heard.

You can open your eyes if you'd like.

We're talking about forgiveness again today and talking about forgiveness of others.

In our last Sangha,

We explored self-forgiveness,

Which is the first practice in forgiveness.

And now we expand that,

Widen that lesson and that practice to include others and in fact eventually to include all.

So I'd like to start today just talking about forgiveness.

And to talk also about the fact that when we practice forgiveness of self and forgiveness of others,

We find sometimes that one or the other is more difficult.

For some,

Forgiving yourself is more difficult.

And for others,

Forgiving others is more difficult.

And sometimes it goes back and forth.

But in essence,

It's the same thing.

When we really start to explore forgiveness,

It's really all the same.

It's all interconnected.

And when we really look at what is forgiveness,

We can first explore what is the opposite of forgiveness.

What is it that we're actually dissolving and letting go of when we forgive?

What are we holding on to when we can't forgive?

Any thoughts or ideas on that?

If you sit for a moment and you think about a situation where you felt harmed or hurt or wronged and what you might still be holding on to from that,

What is it that comes up for you?

What feelings?

What thoughts?

Could be anger.

Maybe fear.

Resentment.

Hurt.

It's interesting.

I wasn't expecting this,

But it was,

I'm not good enough.

Do you want to say more about that?

Just feeling that somebody did something that was hurtful and that's just what popped up.

And so I guess if I were to start digging,

It would probably look like I was just feeling like I deserved it.

I wasn't enough.

I somehow create that.

So insecurity or insufficiency.

Some sense of rejection or abandonment.

Those things can come up.

And so when we're not able to forgive or we haven't yet forgiven,

That's what we're holding on to.

And those thoughts and feelings,

They're not good for the person that they're directed toward,

But they're also not great for us.

They don't feel great,

Those feelings and thoughts.

And the feeling of true authentic forgiveness is a liberation of those feelings or letting go of those feelings.

And the ability to hold some sense of affection for someone else.

Even if we're absolutely sure we're right and they're wrong.

I remember,

We hear this often,

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

That was really hard for me.

And still my mind goes,

Well,

Why can't I be both?

Or I'm happy when I'm right.

But what it's really getting to the heart of,

The core of is which one is more important to you?

Are you willing to sacrifice your happiness to be right?

Yes,

You can be right and be happy.

And you can also be wrong and be happy.

Or there can be no sense of right or wrong and you can be happy.

So which is more important to you?

And are you willing to let go of those feelings needing to be right and righteousness in order to forgive,

In order to liberate yourself from those feelings that are veils,

They're clouds over our light.

So really self-forgiveness and forgiveness of others is the same thing.

It's the releasing of those feelings and thoughts that we're holding on to that get in the way of love and connection and compassion and affection.

It's the releasing and letting go of those feelings that block those things that block love.

Now that being said,

It's important to know and remember that forgiveness is not excusing.

It's not allowing the transgression to happen again.

We can forgive,

We can hold affection for another person and let go of those feelings and still hold boundaries and still make sure or try to make sure it doesn't happen again.

And this applies to our self-forgiveness as well as forgiveness of others.

Because sometimes when we start to look inward and practice self-forgiveness,

We run into the same hiccup,

The same obstacle.

If I forgive myself,

I might do it again.

The only way to really make sure I don't do it again is to shame myself and degrade myself and think horrible thoughts about what I did and to really put myself down.

And then I'll be sure I don't do it again.

And forgiveness is not allowing it to happen again.

It might happen again,

You can practice forgiving yourself again.

But forgiveness is just allowing the possibility of something new.

When we forgive someone else,

We're allowing them to show up in a different way.

And when we hold resentment and blame,

We're always going to hold them in that vision and that light,

Whether it's true or not.

The second thing to remember about forgiveness is that anger can be a very important part of the process of forgiving.

Anger is an important and valid part of the process of grieving.

And it may be a very valid and important process of forgiving.

And feeling angry does not mean you're not spiritual.

And if we try to not be angry about something,

Some transgression,

We will most likely end up subverting it to another situation.

That anger doesn't go away if we just muffle it,

Close it off,

Stuff it down and pretend.

It will show up somewhere else in some other way.

And it will be redirected.

And then we'll probably be going to ask for forgiveness.

So there's an important part of the process of forgiving the other that might involve anger.

Now what you do with that anger is something you can choose.

You can choose to play racquetball,

Jog,

Exercise to dissipate the energy of anger.

You can go out into the woods and yell.

You can yell into a pillow.

You can write a letter,

A very important letter to the person that you might not ever deliver.

It might be better if you don't.

You can go to a therapist,

You can meditate,

You can do breath work.

There are ways to take this energy of anger,

Process it and dissipate it without needing to cause harm from it.

Does that make sense?

But just don't think that forgiveness means,

Well,

I'm just going to not feel what I feel and say to you,

You're forgiven.

It's okay.

I forgive you.

It's okay.

Oh,

It's okay.

I forgive you.

Instead of actually processing.

It's okay when someone asks for your forgiveness to say,

Thank you for your apology.

I'm still processing what happened.

I still have a lot of feelings about it.

And I'm working toward forgiving you.

Instead of,

It's okay,

I forgive you.

Don't,

Don't mention it.

Forget about it.

It's okay to be real and authentic and honest.

Anger doesn't mean you're a bad human.

It doesn't mean that you're uninvolved,

Unevolved.

And it's a part of the process.

So embrace it and process your anger constructively.

And another important aspect of anger is that our body and mind,

Our body-mind complex reacts the same whether the transgression is real or perceived.

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter if the person really did it or really was wrong,

Or if the person recognizes that they were wrong.

It doesn't matter even if the person apologizes.

That's not your work.

Your work of forgiveness is within yourself.

And whether or not the person really did what you perceived,

Or if it was all in your mind,

Your body and mind react the same.

It's like when we watch a scary movie and our body and mind react,

Our physiology,

Our energy,

Everything reacts as if it were really happening.

Your heart rate increases,

Your blood vessels,

Your pupils dilate,

Your blood pressure increases,

Your blood vessels constrict,

Your body prepares for what's happening on the screen as if it's really happening.

And the same with forgiveness.

It matters if it's real or perceived in your own processing of it.

So when you go within and you explore this practice of forgiveness,

You might have this epiphany,

This realization that it was just perceived,

Or you might realize it was very real.

Sometimes we'll push away transgressions because we're not ready to process it and deal with it.

And then when we go in and explore,

Oh,

Something really horrible happened to me.

Someone did something really wrong.

And I've got to process some feelings about that and they'll work toward forgiving.

So it could be one or the other,

But either way,

We react the same within.

So our work is not improving the other person wrong and getting them to see it and getting them to apologize.

That is a trap.

It's a trap.

And if they do,

Great,

Bonus.

But if they don't,

We can still forgive.

So forgiving is our work to do.

Any questions or comments on those thoughts,

Those ideas?

I just think that what you just said about that it's our work and that the apology is just a bonus is so important and so true.

Yeah.

Because you can spend the rest of your life chasing after being right and never have the opportunity to forgive.

And sometimes you might be in an argument and then you go,

Oh,

I'd rather be happy than be right.

And it comes out something like,

You know what,

I'd rather be happy than be right.

So I'm just going to let you be right.

So I forgive you.

That's not it.

Busted.

You missed it.

I'm just going to let you be right.

Okay.

I forgive you.

Sometimes when we practice forgiveness,

We might feel the need to tell the other person we forgive them,

But that can do more harm than good.

Can you see how that might do more harm than good?

If the person is truly,

Sincerely asking for forgiveness and remorseful,

Then your forgiveness can be a gift to them as well as a gift to you.

But if the person is not in a space where they're ready to explore what they did and make peace with it,

You saying I forgive you might be hurtful.

It might toss more fuel on the flame.

So let's talk about when we get caught in a pattern of blaming,

Seeking to blame and convict.

We've walled ourselves off from connecting and being a source of healing and love in a relationship.

When we get in a habit or a pattern of blaming,

And this pattern of blaming,

It might have to do with a habit that we learned from someone who was informative to us as we were growing up and developing.

Or it could be coming from a space of self-protection and defensiveness.

So I need to be right.

Therefore someone else needs to be wrong.

And so we're seeking the wrong so we can feel more right.

Does that resonate or make sense?

So it could be a defense mechanism or just a habit.

But either way we're fortifying against perceived attacks.

This is a natural part of our mind or the way that our mind works,

Our nervous system.

It's part of our survival instinct to seek out,

To monitor for potential danger.

And it's going on all the time,

Whether we're aware of it or not.

But it can be on hyperdrive,

It can be on overdrive,

And it can override our need for loving connection to others,

Our sense of peace and confidence within ourselves.

And it can have us in a perpetual state of fear,

Feeling threatened,

Defensiveness.

And this is where perceived transgressions can come in.

And we might be bringing in something from long ago and applying it to current situations and looking for and creating a fence where none was intended.

Yes,

I think it's easy to find support for your opinion or your feeling.

It is.

If you're seeking offense,

It's easy to find.

If you are seeking offense,

It's easy to find.

If you are seeking loving connection,

Peace,

Forgiveness,

Compassion,

Affection,

And love,

It's easy to find.

So I talk sometimes about my experiences in this with parenting.

You know,

For those of you who are parents,

Or just have helped to raise someone,

You know that for children,

They show up to every situation for the first time every time,

Even if it's happened over and over,

They're showing up for this situation again for the first time.

And they might do the same thing over and over and over,

Even though you've told them a million times not to do that.

And there was,

You know,

My stepfather helped me in realizing this,

When I said to him one day,

Why I tell them the same thing over and over.

Why don't they get it?

Why do they keep doing this over and over?

And for me,

Each time they do it,

It builds,

The transgression builds.

It's even worse,

Because you've done this eight times,

I've already told you eight times,

And now this ninth time,

The transgression is even bigger.

It's building in my mind,

But for the child,

They're showing up for the first time every time,

It's small.

And so in me,

It's getting bigger and bigger to the point of frustration.

And I said to my stepfather,

Why,

You know,

I keep telling them this,

Why don't they just do it?

And he said,

Parenting is like driving a nail,

And you tap the head,

Tap,

Tap,

Tap a little light at first to start to score the wood and set the nail.

And then you can start to tap harder and drive the nail in,

But you've got to be careful,

And it's got to be a repeated tapping.

If you go in all hard at once,

Blam,

You smash your thumb,

You put a dent in the wood,

You bend the nail,

It doesn't work.

Tap,

Tap,

Tap,

Tap,

Tap.

And it just helped me to understand the lesson was going in,

Even though I couldn't see the results here.

It's happening.

And it was for me a lesson in forgiveness,

Because I realized in that moment,

My children show up for the first time every time,

And I need to do the same.

So I need to present the lesson to them as if I'm saying it for the first time every time.

And forgive whatever I'm holding from these other eight times.

It's my practice in forgiveness.

They have nothing to do with it.

They don't even know what they're doing.

That's making me crazy.

It's my forgiveness to let go of those eight times and show up the ninth time the first time.

So again,

Perception plays a role in it.

And it's amazing when we are able to forgive when we're able to let go,

The way that our perception of the other person changes.

Have you ever experienced this?

That when we've done this practice of forgiving and we forgive the other person,

We see them differently.

To forgive someone else is to accept their humaneness,

To see their humanness,

Their vulnerability,

To see their fear,

To see the hurts of their past and how they brought them forward.

And to accept their imperfections,

Their vulnerabilities,

Their fear,

To accept it as part of being human.

Now this is much easier for small transgressions.

I'll just say that.

And if we're going into the past where horrible,

Traumatic things have happened at the hands of others to us,

We might need help.

Help from a counselor,

Help from a teacher,

Help from a spiritual guide.

We might need a lot of support from a lot of places.

Ultimately,

What we're seeking is forgiveness.

Because when we're able to forgive,

We're able to see that transgressor as human and not a monster.

When we dehumanize the other,

We're not able to forgive.

When we re-humanize,

We're able to forgive.

And maybe we never see that person again.

Maybe we never speak to them again.

Maybe they have no idea we've done this work.

It's for us.

Shoba?

I was just thinking,

So one of the tenets of dialectical behavioral therapy is radical acceptance.

And why I like that so much is because when you're able to look at a situation and accept things for how they are,

It allows you,

Rather,

It empowers you to really look within yourself to see what it is that you can actually change as opposed to what you need every,

What change you need to occur around you.

So I like that you put it like that because it just kind of let me view it in a different kind of way.

So I appreciate it.

Thank you.

Yes.

And we talked last week about how sometimes when we have a perceived offense,

It could just be we had an expectation for a person or a situation or a relationship that wasn't fulfilled.

And so we're harboring anger or resentment or sadness because our expectation wasn't met.

But it turns out the other person had a different expectation or a different intention.

I like this seeking offense or seeking offense.

Yep,

The same.

So when we're seeking offense,

We're seeking to put up offense.

It's brilliant.

Forgiving others requires empathy and compassion and connection.

But in order to be able to do that or feel that or connect in that way,

We have to first feel safe.

If we haven't yet done the work of feeling safe,

We're going to be defending and protecting ourselves.

So if you're still in an unsafe situation,

Your first work might be getting safe.

Because if we're not safe,

We're still in that survival response in which we need to protect and defend ourselves.

It's a need.

And if we have childhood trauma,

Our brain has developed in such a way that we live in that place.

And so our first work will be self development.

Cleaning up at home first within ourselves and developing in a different way so that we have the capacity to forgive.

Otherwise it's a rote practice that bears no fruit.

So our first work is at home in getting or feeling safe.

And then we're able to expand into these feelings of empathy and compassion and connection and relate to the other person as human and see their fragility and their humaneness and even feel some sympathy for them.

I can tell you that once I personally did this work,

First the work of me,

Taking care of me,

Making myself be and feel safe,

Having my needs met.

Then I went back to forgiving someone from my childhood for horrible,

Horrible transgression.

And I first did the work internally.

And then I,

Because we have the internet available,

I went and saw a picture of him on the internet and I found one.

It took a little while,

But I found him and I was amazed.

I had this vision of him in my mind as this horrible monster.

And when I saw this picture of him,

It took my breath away.

He looked broken and sad and afraid.

I saw his fear and his sadness,

His hurt.

And I felt deep compassion and affection for him.

It surprised me so deeply.

It was not what I was expecting.

I was scared to death to find this picture and what I might feel.

And I felt something completely different.

This was after I had done a whole lot of work getting there.

I did not seek this picture right away.

But in that moment,

I was able to truly authentically forgive to the depths of my soul,

To set him free and forgive,

To see that he was in as much pain as I was and to recognize.

And it doesn't mean that I ever want to see him or interact with him again.

I do not.

But I see his humanness and I forgive.

And it set me free on so many levels.

I'm going to ask a question.

So like,

For example,

With trauma,

Especially like with a lot of childhood trauma,

A lot of people can suppress or I've had patients that will say,

I put that away.

I wipe that all out and even forget.

And so do you think that it's necessary to know what it is,

Necessarily like what it is in order to be able to cultivate the forgiveness?

That's a really good question.

I don't know if I know the answer to that.

I think it's a really good question.

I don't think that it's necessary to know exactly.

I think that if we come to a place in our lives where we recognize I'm not living my best life.

I'm feeling hurt and angry and defensive a lot of the time.

I'm feeling bitter or resentful.

I'm feeling these feelings and I don't know why.

There might be something there in the history that's getting in the way.

And I think that we remember and process these things when we're ready.

And sometimes that work begins in another way first.

It might start with,

Oh,

I went to a yoga class and I was overwhelmed by all of these emotions or when I sat down to meditate,

The only thing I could feel was rage.

And so our work begins just with processing the rage or whatever it is and getting okay with that and finding some new platform of peace before we're able to delve into memories.

It's a piece of a much bigger,

Broader process and package of practices than just specifically forgiveness.

So I guess my short answer is no,

I don't think that it's necessary to remember to begin forgiving.

But if there comes a point where we start to remember,

It probably means we're ready.

We will often cover up these traumas,

These past wounds.

We'll cover them over until we're ready.

It's part of our self-protection.

It's a really important part of shock and trauma is to be able to package things up and set them aside until we're ready.

Put them away for a while.

It's part of survival.

But when we put many layers over it,

At some point in our lives,

It begins to fester like a boil.

It becomes like an emotional infection.

And it does affect us in our relationships.

And so when we're ready to open that up,

It might be really messy for a while if you think of Lansing a boil.

It's kind of a disgusting image,

But it can be really messy and disgusting like that.

There can be this stuff that comes up and comes out of you that's really not very pretty.

But it is really beautiful,

If that makes sense.

Because we can bring this stuff up and out and take a look at it and make it okay.

This is really messy right now.

I know that it's a process I need to go through to get to the other side,

Which is peace and love,

Safety,

Connection,

Forgiveness,

The ability to show up in a different way.

So we have to have some faith that we can go through that and be okay on the other side.

When we have an unattended injury festering beneath the surface,

It will manifest in a million other small ways in order to get some relief.

It might be a really big injury unattended.

And it's manifesting in a million tiny ways in order to get some relief.

Like the princess and the pea.

Yes,

I just can't get comfortable but I don't know why.

Let me go find that pea.

This is where these perceived transgressions can show up.

I'm perceiving that this person is hurting and offending and wronging me because I have an unattended injury from before.

And in a matter of forgiveness,

It doesn't matter if we're forgiving the other,

It doesn't matter if it's perceived or real.

We're having the same experience within us either way.

When we go and practice forgiveness of the other we might discover within,

Oh,

There's this other thing that came along that rode along on this experience with me and I need to attend to that as well.

So self-reflection and self-awareness are at the core of this as with all of the teachings of yoga.

Self-reflection and self-awareness and self-inquiry are at the heart of these practices now and always.

We can spend forever investigating the other and make no progress at all.

Does that make sense?

Can you say it one more time?

We can spend forever investigating the other and make no progress.

We can investigate and inspect all of the million ways that they are wrong and horrible and bad and evil and ignorant,

All the things,

And make no progress.

We can know exactly what's wrong with them and make no progress until we come home to ourselves and do the work at home.

Do you think our stuff,

Or stuff in quotes,

Informs racism,

Hate of others?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

It's fear of other.

It's blame of other.

It's self-protection.

It's misunderstanding.

It's misinformation.

And it's very real.

I think that this is the thing that's hard for people who don't hold these thoughts and feelings to understand,

Is thinking it's not real.

But for the person who's experiencing racism,

It is absolutely real.

It is true for them.

So your work and forgiveness,

If you harbor racist thoughts or sexist thoughts or thoughts about this other group of people,

Even if you're harboring thoughts about the group of people that hold the thoughts of racism or sexism or whatever it is,

You're grouping them together and making assumptions about them,

Your work and forgiveness is,

I forgive you.

I forgive you.

I see your humanness.

I understand that at the root of that and the heart of that is fear and self-defense.

I forgive you.

It doesn't make it okay.

It's still not okay.

But I forgive you.

And my hope for you,

My blessing for you is to awaken to the heart of love.

My wish for you is not to suffer because of your racism.

My wish for you is to awaken to the heart of love.

It's not easy.

It's just words till we practice it.

And practice over and over and recognize when we've fallen off of that practice and come back to it,

Redirect ourselves,

Come back to it,

Not scorn and shame and blame ourselves,

Forgive ourselves and come back and practice again.

Like I did the other day when I went to bed and said,

Oh,

I just don't feel good because of all those thoughts and words I held.

I forgive myself and I wish for love for that person.

So many things to practice.

Yes.

It's the human school.

We think we're practicing spirituality.

We're practicing being human.

We're practicing humanness.

That leads us to our spiritual practice.

Yeah.

So let's meditate.

Just get still and quiet,

Get comfortable.

As we move into this meditation,

I invite you to,

I'll ask you to be practicing forgiveness and I invite you to not go for the big stuff right away.

If you have some big thing,

Practice on the little stuff first.

Choose some small things,

Small bites.

And most of us have a big thing,

At least one,

But we've got plenty of little ones.

So let's start there.

So just take a few deep breaths.

Sit down in your body,

Meaning bring your mind into your body.

Be seated mentally.

If you discover any tension in your body,

Find out if you can let it go.

This tension we feel in our body is often the same sort of tension we feel emotionally when we haven't yet forgiven.

There's a tightness,

There's a constriction,

There's a bracing feeling,

Armoring.

So those sensations we discover in the body can be clues,

Information,

Hints about what we might be harboring emotionally as well.

We find out if we can let it go.

Soften your belly.

Breathe deeply into your soft belly.

Take a couple of deep chest breaths,

Breathing into the heart center,

Awakening and softening and opening at the heart.

Relax your shoulders,

Relax your hands.

Let the breath flow in and out of your body and let the energy flow as well.

As you breathe in,

Mentally repeat,

I am safe.

And as you breathe out,

All is well in this moment.

And just repeat that a few times.

Breathe in,

I am safe.

Breathe out,

All is well in this moment.

Now bring to mind some injury,

Whether perceived or real,

That needs attending to,

That needs your attention and that needs forgiving.

Maybe you can visualize the other person or the people who are involved in this situation.

Bring them to mind.

As you do,

Notice your body and your breath.

Let any tension that begins to develop melt away if you can and continue to breathe deeply and softly into your chest and your belly.

Can you visualize the circumstances and the situation?

Notice the thoughts and the feelings that arise within you as you do this.

And accept the fact that the thoughts and feelings that arise for the other are probably different.

Connect to that part of you that wants to forgive.

That part of you that is love and compassion and openness.

That part of you that wants to forgive.

Visualize the other person.

If there are many people involved,

Maybe you choose just one.

See them before you.

Look into their eyes if you're able and just soften your gaze.

Soft belly breathing.

Shoulders relaxed.

See their heart.

You might invite them with your mind to also take a few deep breaths and soften their shoulders.

See their humanness,

Their frailty and vulnerability,

Their fear and insecurity.

Know that they too have past injuries that may not have been attended.

You might be able to gaze at them with some type of,

Some sense of compassion and some sense of love and affection.

And mentally repeat,

I forgive you.

And if you're not able,

You can use the mantra,

I'm capable of forgiving.

I am capable of forgiving.

And now I see you.

I see you.

I forgive you.

I forgive me.

Breathing out,

I forgive you.

Breathing in,

I forgive me.

Breathing out,

I forgive you.

Breathing in,

I forgive me.

Heart centered breath,

The energy of the heart flowing.

I forgive you.

I forgive me.

As you do this,

If you feel any tightness,

Any withholding start to surface,

Just continue.

Let it be okay.

Know that you will let go when you're ready.

Continue to practice.

I forgive you.

I forgive me.

I forgive you.

Now let that vision dissolve and melt away and just come to peaceful breath.

Let it all go and just breathe.

Relax your body,

The space between the eyebrows,

Jaw,

Throat,

Shoulders,

Belly,

Legs,

And your neck,

And your spine.

Take a deep breath in,

Nice full deep breath in.

Open mouth exhale like a sigh.

Another deep breath in.

And one more.

Relax your palms over your heart center and slightly bow your head.

Offer loving care to your heart,

Sweet nurturing care to your heart.

Breathing in,

I am safe.

Breathing out all is well in this moment.

Breathing out all is well in this moment.

And you're ready.

Simply blink your eyes open.