93. The Purpose Of Sadness: 5 Ways It Can Help You Grow

As humans, we are built to experience big emotions. For some, this is uncomfortable, and we try to avoid feeling them fully. However, Kabbalah teaches that when we are in touch with our emotions, they can guide us and tell us how we’re doing. In this insightful episode, Monica and Michael discuss the importance of making space for sadness in our lives while simultaneously working to transcend it in healthy ways.

Transcript

Nothing exists in our lives,

Nothing exists in the world without a purpose.

So if you have that view,

Then you understand that sadness must have a purpose.

And being as it is such a prevalent and often overwhelming emotion,

It must have a very,

Very significant purpose.

Welcome to the Spiritually Hungry Podcast,

Episode 93.

I'm so happy to be recording today.

Well,

That's good because I'm about to make you really sad.

No,

You're not.

There's nothing you can say that'll make me sad.

You know,

I'm not going to challenge that.

I'm sure I could.

Please don't.

Fear something out.

That's a funny point,

Right?

Everybody in this world can be made sad in any moment.

True.

And some people are out to get us.

What?

I don't know about that.

Some people want.

.

.

It's like you,

You know,

We were talking a little earlier.

No,

Not consciously.

It's misery,

Life,

Company.

I think the point is.

.

.

I know it's not consciously.

How easy.

I think the point I was making is that if you think about it,

There are very few things.

I'm trying to think of something else that can happen to an individual.

Like a person can't become very wealthy in a moment,

Can't become very poor in a moment.

There's certain important shifts in life.

This is one of those things where literally almost every single person in this world,

In any given moment,

Can be made sad.

Well,

Because you're talking about an emotion and an emotion is a trigger,

Right?

I can make you angry very easily also if I put my mind to it.

Not as easily as making somebody sad or making somebody happy,

More importantly.

It's easier to make people sad than to make people happy.

Well,

We're going to unpack emotions because they are set up to show us something and they happen very immediately often to a response of something.

So that again is the importance of being around people that lift you up and your environment is so important,

Which we talk about very often.

So I do want to start this with one of my favorite movies.

Oh,

No,

That was a story.

It is a story,

But it was from a movie.

I love it.

All films are stories actually.

And I saw this years ago and it made such an impression on me.

So I'm so happy like our kids are young and they enjoy seeing films that I probably would never watch.

There's just some really great ones out there.

So this is the movie Inside Out.

It's the story of a happy 11 year old girl named Riley,

Who suddenly uprooted from her Midwest life when her father starts a new job in San Francisco.

Riley is guided by five primary emotions,

Joy,

Fear,

Anger,

Disgust and sadness.

I like that word.

We don't use that enough.

It's just personified by different characters,

Each of which lives in the headquarters,

Which is the control center inside Riley's brain,

Where they help advise her through life every day.

I love this movie just because they came up with such a creative way.

And they do this through the animation of the story to show us all the things that we go through all the time.

The film takes the audience on a journey,

Mainly witnessing the role of Riley's dominant emotion.

Joy has on her joy,

Played by Amy Poehler,

Does her best to ensure all of Riley's experiences are happy ones that build long lasting,

Positive memories,

Only occasionally letting the other emotions take over.

It's kind of a control for joy,

But exerting great effort to make sure sadness is not on Riley's radar.

Joy even draws a circle on the floor at one point,

Commanding sadness to stay within its lines.

Joy and sadness become displaced from headquarters and are stuck wandering different parts of Riley's personality and memory bank together with Joy trying to keep sadness away from Riley's memories.

And what I love,

Because obviously we haven't figured out yet,

We're going to talk about sadness in today's episode.

And sadness does have a role.

Sadness often outstays its welcome.

But what I do like and this is what they depict in the film,

Joy eventually learns that nobody can be happy all the time.

And sadness actually allows Riley to appreciate her moments of happiness more.

Joy also learns that sadness is not trying to hurt Riley.

Rather,

It serves to alert her that something's troubling her and help her reorient to get back on the path towards joy.

So it becomes clear is that every emotion has a unique,

Necessary purpose,

And emotions all give each other greater context.

When Riley allows herself to feel each of her emotions in real time as they arise,

Not repressing or running away from them,

She learns how each emotion cues her into new information,

Helps her make decisions,

And allows her to express the fullness of her personality.

So we're going to touch on all of those notes because they're very important and they're things that come up for us every single day of our lives.

Right,

I was thinking about that,

I wonder,

There probably isn't anybody who doesn't have at least a moment of sadness every single day.

Yeah,

And some more than others.

Of course,

Of course,

Goes on for much longer.

So you're thinking about this because right before we started to record today,

I don't know why I went on my social media and I just saw something that actually makes me a little sad.

It just like that.

I let,

I opened a window and I only checked it because I had a message waiting for me.

I try not to be on social media at all.

Not really,

I check it like in the morning,

Evening,

Just for work.

But,

Oh gosh,

It just like.

.

.

I want to hear that story.

Well,

Maybe I'll share it with you.

I have a feeling it's a story I've heard before.

Yeah,

In fact,

I've heard the theme before.

But the bottom line is emotions are data and they reflect back our inner thoughts,

Our feelings and tell us how we're doing.

So that's why it's easy to get triggered because something you'll see will actually trigger something you're already feeling about yourself that warrants probably attention or change or some kind of awareness to address what's going on.

So we need to be in touch with our emotions and experience them fully,

Letting them teach and guide us as they're meant to.

Because I think that's really why they're here.

For sure.

And I think the one key or a key understanding that I'd like our listeners to receive from today's podcast is the understanding that sadness is necessary.

I think most people,

Obviously the vast majority,

If you ask them,

Would you like sadness to disappear?

They would say,

Yes,

Of course.

Wouldn't life be great if there was no sadness?

And most people are trying to run from their sadness.

They never want to experience that emotion.

And the bottom line is you need to feel what you feel and it's okay to feel it.

You just don't want to stay there.

And I would take that even further and say,

If it exists,

It actually has a very positive purpose.

Nothing exists in our lives,

Nothing exists in the world without a purpose.

So if you have that view,

Then you understand that sadness must have a purpose.

And being as it is such a prevalent and often overwhelming emotion,

It must have a very,

Very significant purpose.

And what I think about for myself often,

And I have the opportunity to share this with others,

Is that sadness is our soul telling us that things aren't as they should be.

So anytime we experience sadness,

It is in effect a call from our soul,

Either saying we're not paying attention to something enough or we're doing something we shouldn't be doing.

So when you view sadness as.

.

.

I think anxiety,

By the way,

Is a similar,

There's similarity in that when we feel anxious,

I think it's like we're not doing things in life that we're meant to do and our soul is so uncomfortable that you feel like an uneasiness through the day.

That's been my experience of that emotion.

And because sadness is important and because sadness is a message from our soul,

The worst thing we can do is run away from it.

And I think that our society today,

And I think so many people,

Will do anything to move away from sadness,

Whether it's a pill prescribed by a doctor or whether it's a drink or whether it's drugs,

As opposed to.

.

.

And again,

Maybe many of us aren't educated enough on this idea as opposed to saying,

One second,

This is important.

This isn't something to run away from.

This is important.

Let me try to understand that.

Before we go too far there,

I just want to.

.

.

I was going to go even deeper in a moment.

I know.

I want to differentiate between sadness and depression really quickly before we jump back on it.

I want you to unpack what you were saying.

Psychoanalyst Hilary Jacobs-Hendel describes the difference between core emotions,

Inhibitory emotions and defenses.

So sadness is a core emotion.

Depression is a psychological defense according to Hendel.

So core emotions inform us about our environment and are not subject to conscious control.

So it's triggered by the environment.

Each core emotion is wired to set off a host of psychological reactions that prime us for action like running from danger.

Core emotions are brilliant if we don't block them.

Their innate programming tells us important information to help us thrive.

So the core emotions are sadness,

Fear,

Anger,

Joy,

Excitement,

Sexual excitement and disgust.

Inhibitory emotions are shame,

Blame,

Anxiety and guilt.

And these emotions block core emotions.

Isn't that so interesting?

They arise when core emotions become too intense and our brain wants to shut them off.

So it actually blocks,

Right?

If you feel shame or you're blaming somebody or you have anxiety or guilt,

All of these are blocking really what the true,

The core emotion is,

Right?

These are your default emotions.

And I'm going to go into what that is in a little bit more,

A little bit later.

But defenses are anything we do to avoid feeling core inhibitory emotions.

Efficient is a defense because it's the state we are out of touch with our core emotions.

So some examples of that are and there's this common in our cultures like joking,

Sarcasm,

Too much screen time,

Criticizing,

Spacing out,

Procrastination,

Preoccupation,

Negative thinking,

Misguided aggression,

Working too much,

Over exercising,

Overeating,

Undereating,

Cutting,

Obsession and addiction.

So these are all ways that we participate with our life and how we engage in life to avoid actually feeling the hard feelings that we have,

Those core emotions.

I want to say,

Can we either repeat that or just go a little bit,

Yeah,

Went a little bit over my head.

Okay.

All right.

So sadness is a core emotion.

Depression is a psychological defense according to Hendel.

This is Hendel,

This is her work and her practice.

Right.

So she's saying that core emotions inform us about our environment and they're not subject to conscious control.

So it's triggered by the environment,

Right?

Okay.

That I understand.

So which part did I lose you?

No,

No.

And then,

And then so we have the core emotions and then which are sadness,

Fear,

Anger,

Joy,

Excitement,

Sexual excitement and discuss.

And then then there's inhibitory emotions,

Which are shame,

Blame,

Anxiety and guilt.

And these emotions block core emotions.

So as I understand it,

If I'm busy blaming you for something,

Something that happened to me,

Right?

I probably wouldn't feel sad then I might feel angry.

If I'm feeling anxious about something,

You know,

Nervousness,

I don't really have to focus on my true fear that's coming up.

It's the,

It's the,

That's the emotion that becomes so immediate and at the forefront that I don't actually have to really go deep and unpack why am I sad?

Why am I afraid?

And depression,

Although you didn't mention it,

Is one of those inhibitory emotions?

Depression is a defense according to her.

And I don't want to,

And by the way,

Anybody who's going through depression or even severe sadness,

It feels really,

Really,

Really real and very,

Very dark.

But she was saying that we use defenses,

They're anything that we do to avoid feeling those core or even inhibitory emotions.

So she's saying both that,

And depression is a defense because it's a state where we're out of touch with our emotions.

And does she have a view of whether it's positive or negative or just she's just pointing out?

Well,

No,

It's not positive because it keeps you stuck,

Right?

You're not able to act,

You're not,

It's for both core and inhibitory emotions.

So you're basically not feeling anything.

Right.

Right.

And that's,

I guess it's,

It's,

You know,

Some sort of evolutionary trigger that takes us away from what's making us feel bad.

So depression,

For example,

Removes any sense of emotions,

Right?

Basically expression removes sadness.

And obviously not in a positive way.

Not in a positive way because sadness is normal for everybody.

It's a human emotion like the other ones we've stated and it's necessary.

And we will all experience it in stressful times or somber times.

And just look,

The loss or absence of a loved one,

Divorce,

Loss of a job or income,

Financial troubles,

Issues at home.

It's going to affect our moods,

Failing an exam,

Not getting the job you wanted,

Right?

All of these are triggers and it's normal to have a reaction to that.

And I,

You know,

I remember after I gave birth to Josh and it's kind of like a funny story,

But it's a vulnerable and I'll share it.

I don't have a problem with that,

But he was two months old and he was in the NICU and we needed to go take a trip to Florida for a big event and I had to leave him in the hospital and I was feeling conflicted about it and I was still struggling with my own emotions.

And at that time,

I remember we got on the plane and I had a severe anxiety attack and I'm not an anxious person.

It's the second one I've ever had in my life.

And the other one was years before when I was a teenager and it was debilitating.

I was like,

I came out of nowhere and I,

And it really didn't,

Right?

If I look back now,

But at that time I wasn't really processing my feelings surrounding about leaving him,

Even giving birth to him about,

There's so many things.

And this is an event with like a thousand people.

And I was the talk of that,

Like,

Oh Monica,

She just had a child that has some syndrome.

Like everybody's just looking at me.

And I felt that.

And I remember I hadn't slept and you were a saint.

I mean,

I think that trip brought us so much closer.

I hope I was going to repeat that.

I'm not sure everybody heard that.

Don't fish for compliments.

No,

No,

I'm not fishing for the compliments.

You're a petition to the compliment that you already gave.

So I hadn't slept for two days,

Two nights and neither had you actually,

Because I mean,

Every time you fall asleep,

I'm like,

I'm nervous.

And David was three,

Three and a half.

And um,

And now we're going to this third day and,

And that was an event.

Actually,

It was a holiday that you have to stay up all night.

And I was like,

I was starting to like,

My ears were buzzing.

I was losing it in the biggest way.

And you took me to the books,

The gift shop in the hotel.

And you're like,

You,

I remember you asking,

Do you have anything that causes drowsiness?

So I mean,

And we,

I've never,

I wouldn't even thought to do that.

And God,

I'm so happy you did actually.

Cause I was like,

Maybe I'll never sleep again.

I don't think it's possible.

I have literally not been able to sleep for 48 hours,

Not a wink.

And that's the state I was in.

So we bought Dramamine,

Which is for motion sickness specifically on,

On water.

So I took that and I remember I,

I was able to sleep for 30 minutes.

So I was relieved because I'm like,

Okay,

It's possible.

That means I will be able to sleep again.

And then we had this event,

But I felt completely out of it,

Like drugged beyond.

And I remember sitting at this table and I could hear everybody whispering like,

What's wrong with her?

And I remember I was so out of it that I actually couldn't respond.

I could hear everything and I was,

I was sitting there,

But I also wasn't in my body.

Right.

And like,

Oh,

Maybe she's depressed.

Maybe this,

That maybe she has anorexia again.

Cause I also lost a ton of weight in those two months cause I was so nervous.

And so it didn't look like I had just given birth and maybe it's postpartum.

And I remember I could hear all of this and I remember thinking,

I'm just sad.

And that is normal in this situation.

That's it.

I mean,

They didn't know I was anxious or whatever at that time,

But everybody's trying to label it as something.

And I'm like,

I remember just telling myself,

This is normal.

This is a normal reaction to have.

You don't need to label yourself with an eating disorder or with postpartum depression.

Just allow yourself to feel.

But I think that happens a lot of people.

And then I think some would probably go on medication right away because that feeling I and it was so overwhelming.

I was some completely overwhelmed and fear and panic and sadness.

And I,

And my senses,

Right.

Was just so heightened by all of these things coming at me.

But I decided to,

I got all the help from the Dramamine to slow down the feelings a little bit,

But I knew I needed to go through it.

Absolutely.

And it's interesting because I was reading a story from a psychologist who was so a patient who came into their office and she says,

You know,

I'm really feeling sad.

And I think she even used the word depressed.

And she said,

Well,

Tell me why.

It says,

Well,

Two months ago I lost my mother.

And she's like,

Well,

Isn't it normal to be feeling sad after losing your mother?

She's like,

I don't have any time for this.

Please just prescribe me something.

And so to be really clear,

There are times when medication is definitely the right thing.

And there are times that people take it as the easy,

I want to be very careful.

You know,

Like in that case,

That's in the case where the doctor felt,

No,

You're rushing to the pills too fast.

Two months.

You will be sad.

This is a person that brought you into this world that raised you whatever.

And I'm very reticent to talk about medication and all of that because it's a very fraught topic.

Obviously,

There are times when a person is in deep depression and that he or she,

They should be on medication.

But I think the most important point that we're saying,

When you're feeling sadness,

Especially around an event,

An occurrence that would be cause for sadness.

And I think the additional element is the fact that it has a purpose.

It has many purposes.

And I think this is something that we sometimes lose track of,

Which is even,

You can make sense of this one reason why,

Okay,

But there's actually 10 other reasons or even a hundred other reasons why this person has to be going through this sadness right now.

We mentioned before,

Right,

That it's the soul saying something's not right.

And I'd like to take that a step further and I hope it's not too much for our listeners,

But it's something that I believe very,

Very strongly and I've seen it in practice.

I sometimes talk to people and they say,

You know,

I'm having these recurring thoughts or this recurring sadness.

And I strongly,

Strongly believe that unless the individual does a deep dive both into themselves and into spiritual transformation,

Which has to do with studying,

Gaining more wisdom,

Then they might be able to traverse this moment of sadness and maybe the next one and maybe the next one.

At a certain point in a person's lives,

It will become almost impossible because we are in this world to evolve and to evolve in many ways and also to evolve spiritually.

And I think most of us don't take that work seriously enough.

And it is sometimes the crisis of life or even these great or lesser moments of sadness that we should take as the wake up call to say,

Okay,

This might be the physical reason I'm experiencing status right now.

I didn't get the job that I wanted,

For example.

But on a deeper level,

It's also meant as a wake up call.

And as you're speaking,

I'm thinking about this analogy,

I think those moments where we feel sad or we're no longer fulfilled by what used to fulfill us,

Which can create sadness,

I think also.

I think it's our inability to accept change and really want to understand that this and that's the importance we're talking about.

This is like a little life quake.

It's an indication to say it's not that everything's horrible.

The fact that you are feeling unsettled or you're not feeling joyful from what used to bring you joy is an indication that you need to be kind of a detective for yourself about your life of what else can lead you to fulfillment.

And it reminds me,

Since I had before my injury with my foot,

I would work out through any pain,

Any discomfort,

Okay,

No pain,

No gain,

Push through.

And I think you can do that to a certain extent until your body's like,

Hey,

Buddy,

I'm tired of all of this,

Not abuse,

But like the wear and the tear of it.

And now it's interesting whenever I feel anything,

Anything like and maybe that's not a good thing too,

Because you want to be careful with that.

But let's say when I'm exercising,

I feel like,

Oh,

I moved my foot that way.

Does it mean something?

Again,

We don't want to take it too far.

And I am guilty of that sometimes.

But I think you want to treat every aspect of your psyche in that way,

Body,

Mind and spirit that when you feel a shift emotionally,

Or mentally,

Or physically pause and say,

Okay,

Is there something I'm supposed to be doing differently?

Or understand something from this?

Because everything right,

How else will you know how to navigate?

I mean,

We do this with children,

Right?

We see them growing,

We see them changing,

We see,

You know,

They're walking a little bit differently,

Whatever it is,

We're so keen to like,

Notice every detail or if you have a pet or any kind of change,

Because they can't verbalize that,

Right?

You see that,

But our daughter Miriam and our dog Miles,

Every little thing,

Every little thing.

I mean,

An hour ago,

His tails between his leg,

Why?

I'm like,

I don't know what's scaring him in this minute.

Well,

Maybe it means something will maybe I mean,

But we don't actually do that process internally enough unless you are on a spiritual path and or have trained yourself to do so.

But we're really meant to do that.

How else are you going to navigate through the world?

I think unfortunately,

People rely only on psychics are only on doctors are only on their parents still at any age to guide them or tell them what to do.

But we're really meant to understand that we have that innate ability and often through these emotions is how you discover what needs to change or occur.

For sure.

And I would say that that internal search for every moment of sadness and certainly the larger moments of sadness is necessary.

But I have seen that for many people,

The work that it takes to gain the inner ability to overcome sadness is often not taken.

And I would even and this is often,

I guess,

A sad thing to see where you see somebody who has gone through a sad moment in their lives or some type of challenge,

And they found whether spiritual wisdom is spiritual practice.

And then things get better after a year,

Two years,

And then they begin to get lax,

Almost forgetting the fact that what brought me to this point was any wisdom that I've acquired,

Any change that I've made in my life.

That path of becoming,

Because I'm not feeling extreme sadness in this moment,

Becoming lax in my spiritual commitment to myself and my internal transformation leads to sadness.

And it might take a year,

It might take five years,

It might take 10 years.

And what I would like to really,

Really underscore is,

And I've seen this work in the lives of many and certainly in my own life.

The only way to have the tools on a consistent basis to go through sadness,

Understand to some extent why it's there,

And traverse it,

And actually grow from it and use it for the benefit for which you're experiencing it,

Is consistent spiritual practice,

Consistent gaining of more and more wisdom.

I don't know how one goes through life,

Well,

Goes through life is one thing,

Goes through life being able to draw from the moments of sadness,

Be the greater or small benefits.

And I would even go so far as to say blessings without consistently pushing themselves in ways that might not correlate to,

Well,

Do I need it right now?

You might not need it right now.

More wisdom.

There's a person say,

Well,

Everything's going fine today.

I don't need more wisdom.

I don't need to be more steady in whatever spiritual practice,

Meditation,

Whatever it is that the person does in the long term,

In the long term.

We are meant,

And this is important,

We are meant to be able to have the inner strength and wisdom to traverse any type of sadness and be able to receive benefits from it.

But the only way that that will be a consistent reality in any person's life is if they are committed to their spiritual study,

Their spiritual practice,

And then you will see that even through moments of sadness,

Be they great or small,

Not only do you learn from them,

But you actually see the blessings from them.

Let's unpack that a little bit.

The purpose of spiritual study is so you can expand your consciousness and you can understand more easily and also gain clarity on why different things happen in your life and what the bigger purpose of life is and that you start to see and understand there's so much beyond your little space that you take up in this world even though you think it's so big.

When you have that context,

Then when things happen,

You also understand that it's not the end of the world.

That's the danger.

If you look at really what's happening now in our world,

Children are more depressed than ever.

They're committing more suicide than they ever have.

I mean,

I have the statistics here.

And … What are they?

You mind?

Yeah.

I mean,

It's scary.

They're the most vulnerable.

So from 2009 to 2021,

The share of American high school students who say they feel persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness rose from 26% to 44%.

According to the new CDC study,

It's the highest level of teenage sadness ever recorded.

The first fallacy is we think we can chalk it up to teens behaving badly.

There's a lot of self-reported teens' behaviors are getting better actually.

Since 1990s,

Drinking and driving is down almost 50%.

School fights are down 50%.

Sex before 13 is down more than 70% and school bullying is down.

So there's a bunch of fallacies.

That's one.

They've always been moody and now they're just willing to talk about it.

That's not true either.

The third fallacy is that it's because of COVID and that it's a new trend that's rising.

And they've found that none of these are true.

So they're saying that maybe it's because of social media,

Right?

We know that that … But what's interesting,

I mean,

That upsets everybody.

I think also for being really honest,

If you're on that too much.

But what they found that's different for children and why it's so much … They're so much more susceptible to becoming sad from it is that … So they said,

Social media isn't like rat poison,

Which is toxic to almost everyone.

It's more like alcohol,

A mildly addictive substance that can enhance social situations but can also lead to dependency and depression among a minority of users.

A big new study from Cambridge University in which researchers looked at 84,

000 people of all ages and found that social media was strongly associated with worse mental health during certain sensitive periods in life,

Including for girls ages 11 to 13.

And one explanation is that teenagers and teenage girls in particular are uniquely sensitive to the judgment of friends,

Teachers and the digital crowd.

Social media seems to hijack this keen peer sensitivity and drive obsessive thinking about body image and popularity.

That's just one example.

You can put this in any gamut,

Right?

And we were just with a bunch of teenagers this weekend.

We did this event.

And what they're feeling are very big feelings,

Right?

And the insecurities are very big,

More so I think than when we were their age because we were busy with other things.

We were out playing in the yard.

We weren't consumed by … Well,

Actually,

It's interesting because at lunch at this weekend that we had with the teens,

I was talking to a student,

To a friend,

And he said something which I thought was very prescient,

That he said when he was growing up,

And he's our age in his 40s,

That when he grew up in a home that they didn't have a lot of money and they lived in New Jersey,

He said,

But he didn't know that during the breaks,

His friends were in Miami on the beach.

He didn't know what spring break was.

He said the only thing he could tell is,

Oh,

He lives in one house,

A small house.

His friend's a bigger house.

But he didn't know what all of his friends were doing all the time.

And he said if he knew,

He probably would have felt sad.

Exactly.

And I think that's very interesting where today you're getting FOMO from millions of people all the time.

So that's definitely one reason why sadness can be up in the younger generations.

Well,

They also said today's teen,

They spend five hours daily more on social media,

And it replaces a lot of beneficial activities that they used to do.

Today teens are less likely to go out with their friends,

Get a driver's license,

Or play youth sports.

They're just not interested.

Interesting.

So what we're saying is that this is.

.

.

Yeah,

There is one more thing I want to say,

Though,

Because I think this was really interesting too.

It's modern parenting strategies that aren't really working.

So in 2020,

There was a feature called What Happened to the American Childhood?

Kate Julian described a related phenomenon that affects families a bit more broadly.

Anxious parents and seeking to insulate their children from risk and danger are unintentionally transferring their anxiety to their kids.

First children are growing up slower than they used to.

These children are less likely to drive,

Get a summer job,

Or be asked to do chores.

The problem isn't that kids are lazy,

Homework time has not risen,

Or that scrubbing dishes magically dispels anxiety disorders.

Rather,

Julian wrote,

These activities provide children with two very important things,

Tolerating discomfort and having a sense of personal competence.

So it's just.

.

.

And all of these things,

Right?

They're not.

.

.

Like if a girl,

She says,

If a girl is afraid of dogs,

An accommodation would be keeping her away from every friend's house with a dog.

Or if a boy won't eat vegetables,

Feeding him nothing but turkey though for four years.

These behaviors come from love,

But part of growing up is learning how to release negative emotions in the face of inevitable stress.

If kids never figure out how to do that,

They're more likely to experience severe anxieties teenagers.

Interesting.

It's funny.

I actually,

Today I had this thought.

One of our kids is looking for an internship over the summer.

You hear that,

Folks?

Anybody?

That's a good.

.

.

And so she's interviewing with a few people,

A few places,

And one of them might not be working out.

And she was really,

I wouldn't say sad,

But disappointed about it.

And initially I was like,

I feel bad for her.

And then I realized,

No,

This is so important for her to have rejection,

To have to go through wanting something,

Not getting it,

Because that's so much of what life is made of.

And unless you're able to both go through that and hopefully be able to deal with the sadness that comes with that.

But I think.

.

.

Yeah,

Don't try to shield your children from experiencing disappointment.

But I think the fundamental message for our listeners is this,

That,

And this is both for our kids,

But certainly for each one of us,

That we are meant,

Each one of us,

Even if it feels unlikely for some of our listeners,

To have the inner strength and wisdom to overcome any sadness.

But to get there takes work.

And there's no easy way out.

And if you take shortcuts,

You will come to sadness because your soul is not going to be satisfied with you not fulfilling your soul's destiny.

And a part of that is gaining more wisdom.

A part of that is developing yourself.

And I've seen too many people who at different times when the sadness is overwhelming,

They turn to wisdom or they turn to a spiritual practice.

And then when things get better,

They don't invest,

They might not let go of it,

But they don't invest the necessary time in study and in transformation.

The consistency.

Exactly.

So I do want to again,

Just for our listeners,

That there,

When we talk about grief,

Sadness,

Right?

Well,

Grief,

That sadness that comes from grief and depression,

They are different and important ways.

In grief,

Painful feelings come in waves and they're often intermixed with happy memories.

In major depression,

Mood and or interest,

Pleasure are decreased for more than two weeks.

In grief,

Self-esteem is usually maintained.

In major depression,

Feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are common.

So there are ways for people to understand that and navigate.

We'll get the help that you need if you do need it.

So if you would leave our listeners with a thought or thoughts today.

Well,

I think we're going to continue next week on sadness and we're going to give you tips and tools on how to transform that to a different state of joy.

But I think for the most part,

Really,

It's to be okay with not being okay.

It's normal to have negative emotions.

The point is that you don't want to stay in that space and ruminate over and over and over again because that's going to be your state.

That will be your natural state.

And from there,

It's hard to really be able to appreciate the beauty of life that's around you or understand the things that might need to change for you to live a life that will really bring you happiness and fulfillment.

So we're meant to feel sadness.

We're not meant to wallow in it and stay there.

And sadness,

Anger,

Any negative emotion is really there as an indicator of something that we need to pay attention to.

Yes.

And what I would say is that,

Like you said,

Sadness is actually a gift.

It is on a deep level your soul telling you things aren't as they should be.

And we are meant to have the strength to overcome any type of sadness.

But that necessitates,

I would say,

Spiritual study,

Spiritual practice,

Transformation.

And even if in this moment of one's life,

They think they can get past this level of sadness or that level of sadness,

There will come a point in life where you can't.

And therefore,

I would strongly,

Strongly urge every single one of us,

Myself included,

To make sure that we are investing enough time in our study,

In our spiritual practice,

In our internal transformation,

Because otherwise sadness will have to get louder and louder.

If we take this path and really invest and persevere,

Even when we don't necessarily feel the external pressure for it,

You will see,

And this is something that I can tell you from practicing this in many people,

You will be surprised at how you're able to see the blessing of sadness and overcome it.

And if you wake up most days and you're not excited about getting up,

That means you really need to do things very differently.

Don't be afraid to shake up your routine or to really uproot yourself and live a very different life.

If you crave the ocean,

Make sure you go see it a couple times a year if you don't live in that space or move or anything's possible.

We're not meant to come here and live a life that doesn't feel like ours and live in a state where we're just not happy or appreciative or enjoying the ride.

If not,

What is the point of it all?

Absolutely.

I'm shocked,

Shocked at how often I'm having conversations with people and they're consistently feeling unsatisfied,

Consistently feeling sad.

And it's so clear that changes need to be made.

And there's some that are clear changes that are right in front of them that could be made.

Yes,

It's scary.

Yes,

It seems like a lot of effort.

But I'm surprised that sometimes it's not even scary and sometimes it's so obvious,

But people,

It's human nature.

I think once you're doing something,

You're in a routine of it,

You continue doing it.

Even if the sadness keeps coming up and the answer is obviously,

Well,

Don't do that anymore.

Don't spend time with that person anymore.

Like you said,

Go,

Go visit the ocean every day.

If that's something that gives you happiness,

People just don't do it.

It's crazy to me.

So as Monica said,

I would add that,

That when you discover what makes you sad and it's clear,

Do something about it immediately.

Because what's the point of living 120 years if you're not doing what makes you happy and you allow sadness to permeate your life.

It's crazy.

Also,

Sadness creates all kinds of other hosts of problems in the body.

So enjoy your life while you still care enough about it to do so.

I mean,

Make the obvious changes if they are to remove whatever sadness is obvious.

So we hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording it.

And I was saying enjoyed,

Well,

Even though we talked about sadness,

Obviously the net effect.

.

.

We did mention joy.

Yes,

I'm saying what the net effect hopefully of what we shared will allow listeners to diminish their sense of sadness and elevate their levels of joy.

We will be continuing part two of sadness in next week's episode.

We hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we did actually enjoy recording it.

And if you did enjoy this,

Please make sure to share this podcast with everybody you know,

Send your questions,

Comments,

Stories.

I can't tell you how many emails we got recently,

People saying,

You know,

I've been wanting to write this email for a long time and wanting to ask this question for a long time,

But I didn't want to.

Please do.

It inspires us and it inspires our listeners when we get a chance,

As we will next week,

To read one of your comments and stories.

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Comments,

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Reviews

This has been an incredibly helpful podcast and I thank you both for your wisdom. I’m incredibly sad at this time because my husband is terminally ill. The lightbulb went on that, of course I’m very sad! So I’ve stayed with that sadness and more importantly allowed myself to feel it and I wept. Looking forward to next week’s talk. I love you both ❤️❤️