17. Kindness: Your Superpower For Happiness

In this episode of Spiritually Hungry, Monica and Michael delve into the power of kindness to elevate both the recipients and the givers, particularly when we display kindness from the heart free from any agenda or expectations. Tune in to discover how challenging yourself to take your kindness to another level on a daily basis brings instant and lasting positive change to our lives.

Transcript

In teaching,

Do we lose that aspect of kindness,

Right?

And be laying a message.

And we might be right in what we're offering.

We might be right in what we're trying to suggest to our partner or to our children.

But what are they really going to learn in that moment?

Will they learn to be withholding or will they learn to be kind?

If you're poor,

You are a both beautiful but kind soul that will only be happy when you're in the state of bestowing goodness and kindness to yourself and to others.

But the reality is that unless you're practicing kindness every single day,

You're not becoming a kinder person.

In terms of a means to an end,

Kindness is the ultimate.

I remember one of the things my father would say is that it's very easy to become religious.

It's very easy to become even spiritual.

To become kind takes a lifetime.

Hello,

My name is Abigail and welcome to the Spiritually Hungry podcast episode 17.

I'm going to be helping Monica and Michael and Monica's going to be asking me a question right now.

Hi Abigail,

Thank you for joining us.

So I have a question for you.

The Kabbalists say if you are able to become this word,

You can achieve everything you've ever wanted.

What do you think the one word is?

Hashiach.

God?

That's a great answer my love.

The word that I'm looking for today is actually a word that you really do like.

It's kindness.

Oh.

What do you think about kindness?

I think it can help anyone in the world because it just helps everyone.

And like our new book,

Kindness is Super Powerful,

You can find that soon because we're almost done with it.

It had a lot of actions about kindness but we decided to write about it because we saw so many actions in the world about kindness because they understand that kindness is super powerful too.

And it's not just something you do to give something but you do,

Well not to get something,

But you do to like,

You like it because it helps you with someone or you like having a new friend by your side but mostly it's because it brings a shame into your house or your home or wherever you are and it's really special for you.

Well thank you,

I love that Abigail.

Thank you.

Alright,

Bye for this episode.

Bye.

So I love this question because I think when you ask most people if you could achieve this one thing then you'd have everything.

People would think well if I could achieve nirvana or happiness or love,

Certainty,

Then I would have everything.

But kindness really I think,

I don't feel like people fully appreciate that word and how grand it is in every way.

And I think that most people would think,

You know,

I'm a nice person,

I'm a good person,

I'm helpful,

I share,

But that's very different than being kind.

I think there's a vast difference from where we find ourselves today to where we could be when we consider kindness.

And I want to share a modern day fable that I wrote because you know we love stories and we're always telling our kids stories,

A lot of them are ancient.

But this one is a modern one.

Are you having issues with my mic too?

No,

I just want to make sure that we hear every word.

Every word.

Alright,

So here it goes.

It's called The Tale of the Other Glove.

So it's a true story.

A few years ago our babysitter was leaving our house and it was a really cold winter night and she's standing by our door trying to get ready,

Getting her scarf on,

Her hat,

Her jacket and I hear her huffing and puffing and like making sounds and taking deep breaths and you know I'm curious by nature so you know I was like what's going on?

And she said,

Ugh,

You won't believe it.

On my way here I was at the subway and I had stopped at a platform and I was taking my gloves off and one of them fell on the floor and she saw this,

In her words,

This dirty grimy hand snatch it and she said,

What are you doing with that glove?

And the homeless man responds to her saying,

Well I found it.

She said,

Well you couldn't have found it because it wasn't lost.

So she said,

Give it back.

He said,

I'm not going to give it back.

It's my glove.

And he said,

No it's not.

So I looked at her and she was still clearly very upset about it and I said,

I don't understand.

Why don't you just give him the other glove?

And she said to me,

I'm not going to condone that kind of behavior.

I need to teach him a lesson.

To which I thought,

I didn't say it to her that day,

But what lesson are you going to teach him?

He's really happy now because he has a glove.

He didn't have any before.

Now he has one.

And what are you going to do with one glove?

You're going to throw it out and you'll go buy another set.

So it got me thinking about kindness really.

And I've talked about this before.

I'm not going to ask you because I know what your answer would be.

But to all of our listeners,

What would you have done?

Would you have given the other glove or would you have tried to teach a lesson?

And I see this a lot in parenting also.

For all the reasons,

All the right reasons.

And the relationships,

Right?

Yes.

We are going to teach our child so they can learn a lesson because they need to behave in this world.

They need to learn to great,

Something or something will be lost.

And relationships also but in teaching,

Do we lose that aspect of kindness?

And are we laying a message?

And we might be right in what we're offering.

We might be right in what we're trying to suggest to our partner or to our children.

But what are they really going to learn in that moment?

Will they learn to be withholding or will they learn to be kind?

And I don't think it has to be a choice.

And that's why I think there are so many misgivings about sharing and being kind because often we think that we need to withhold,

We need to create boundaries,

We need to protect ourselves,

We need to teach people and therefore we close our hearts and our fists which I'll go into a little bit later but I just love this topic.

I think the reality is that except maybe psychopaths,

If you ask anybody,

Is kindness a good thing?

I think there's not one of our listeners,

I'm sure,

No psychopaths listen to us.

Well,

There's more psychopaths out there than you.

Well,

Except to you then.

There's nobody in the world who wouldn't say kindness is a beautiful thing,

It's a great thing.

But I think that's part of the big problem as it relates to kindness.

And for the Kabbalists,

And I know for the way that we aspire to live our lives,

Kindness is actually the most important part of our lives.

And I think it's important to understand why.

You know,

In many studies spirituality,

It's important not just to know facts but actually know the workings behind it.

And I'd like to share what I think will give us both an understanding and maybe the greatest impetus to act more in kindness.

So in speaking about the creative force,

Again some people call it God,

Some people call it the Creator.

Gabriel calls it Hashem.

Hashem.

The force that is behind all of creation,

The force that is behind every single one of us,

We refer to it as the light of the Creator,

Which simply indicates the energy again that created our world,

That is behind all that is good,

That is behind the lives of each one of us.

That energy.

The Kabbalists teach that it has only one characteristic.

One.

There's a phrase which is beautiful in the original but also in translation that this force,

This energy,

Call it the Creator,

Call it the light of the Creator,

Is good and desires to bestow goodness.

Or you can use the word is kind and desires to be kind.

When you understand that that's really everything,

Then the next step in understanding is this.

In order for any one of us to be happy,

In order for any one of us to be fulfilled,

We have to be in affinity with both the force that created all that exists and with ourselves.

I just want to stop you because I want to hear what you're saying.

But I'm just thinking that some of our listeners might have this thought with what you just said.

You're saying that the Creator's essence and desire is just to bestow goodness.

So I have to ask the question because I know people are thinking that.

And how do you explain for the suffering or the pain in the world?

And I know it's a big question.

But let's just unpack it a little bit.

So why do bad things happen if the Creator only wants good?

So I think the most succinct answer is the fact that we are in this world,

You and I and every single one of our listeners and every single human being who's ever lived and will ever live,

To earn light,

Blessings,

Fulfillment,

Happiness.

And in order to allow for earning,

We were given free will.

We have a free will to decide today,

Am I going to be kind or am I going to be selfish or am I going to be nasty or am I going to be kind?

Now in that decision,

Right,

And you can call it karma or cause and effect,

As I choose to behave,

That is the energy I put out into the world.

That is the exact same energy that I receive.

And why do we have to earn it?

Okay.

You forgot who you're married to?

No,

No.

I'm not trying not to make this whole podcast on these things.

You won't,

But I think they're really important.

Absolutely.

And each one of these questions,

By the way,

Really deserves at least an hour.

And maybe we will hold it for sure.

The reason we need to earn it is because we are a spark of that creative force,

That energy.

We are the Creator.

We are a spark of that force.

And therefore,

We would never be happy being receivers without earning.

And we see this in our lives today.

I mean,

We know,

I'm sure,

Many children,

For instance,

Of successful or even wealthy parents who receive a lot of material,

Blessings,

Gifts,

But they don't really,

Are not able to enjoy it,

Often not even able to truly receive it because they haven't earned it.

Right.

And they don't even have a desire to have that.

Right.

So you can call it human nature,

The fact that we do not really enjoy gifts that we have not earned,

Unearned gifts,

Or as the Kabbalah sometimes refer to it as bread of shame,

Meaning bread,

Something that you've received that you didn't earn,

You feel the shame around it.

And often have a negative reaction to receiving that because you don't know what to do with it.

And the reason behind that is because we are of that creative force.

We are a spark of the divine.

We are a spark of the Creator.

And the Creator never receives,

Only shares.

And therefore,

We,

Whether we are conscious of it or not,

We are not capable of being happy when we receive and we do not earn.

But again,

Each one of those two questions,

I feel that we're getting into a short shrift because the reality is they each deserve at least an hour.

But now to the original idea.

Because that force that created our world,

Again,

Whether you call it the Creator,

Whether you call it God,

Is of one essence.

And that is goodness and a desire to bestow goodness,

Kindness and a desire to bestow kindness.

We will only be happy.

We will only be fulfilled when we are living in tune with who we really are,

With what the force… Who we're meant to be ultimately.

Well,

Well… Because if who we really are today is a really angry person,

Right,

Full of jealousy and rage.

Right.

But I,

But the point is that that version of ourselves is never who we truly are.

Even if today or even if for the last 30 years,

A person has decided to act selfishly to hurt other people,

To be mean,

To be nasty,

Never to be kind,

At the core of even that person,

The core of even that person is a kind soul that desires to bestow kindness.

And by the way,

That's why somebody who's nasty all the time,

Who's angry all the time,

Who's upset all the time,

Who's not sharing,

Who's not kind,

Is actually never going to be happy.

And I can,

And again,

Not just… Right.

For sure,

We've seen that.

So the point is… And the only thing is if you've behaved that way for 30 years,

It's so much harder to then choose kindness.

Well,

You have to really peel the layers that you've put upon your true essence.

At your core,

You are a both beautiful but kind soul that will only be happy when you're in the state of bestowing goodness and kindness to yourself and to others.

Can I keep challenging?

Absolutely.

Go for it.

So then what do you say about souls that have just put evil out in the world like Hitler?

Okay.

Well,

Again… I'm going to ask you anything I wanted.

You can,

But again,

Another topic that really deserves much more of a conversation.

Brush.

Brush.

What I would say is that of course there are certain unique,

I don't even know if we'd call them souls,

Right,

But beings that come into our world and really… Really,

Are there just some that are just dark forces,

Dark energy that are not actual souls?

There are.

There are.

That's what I was thinking.

So our listeners are that and our listeners are… I do want to do another podcast on that.

Sure.

But okay.

Maybe in time for Halloween.

Okay,

As you were saying.

So at the core,

At everybody's core… We are kind.

We desire to be kind.

And I will guarantee every single one of our listeners that anytime,

Almost anytime you are unhappy,

It's because you're not living in tune with who your soul truly is.

And that's why,

You know,

To your point,

You began this by saying that it's a word,

Again,

It's such a nice word.

Who does,

You know,

Who will ever speak up against kindness?

But what we don't,

And when I say we,

I mean even you and I in the way we live our lives to the greatest extent as it should be,

And I'm sure many of our listeners,

Once you understand that this is everything,

That unless I am not only acting in a kind way a lot of the time,

But really developing to become a kinder and kinder person,

Spending a lot of my time and actions of kindness towards others,

I will never be happy.

And I think that's probably,

For me that's the most important message,

You know,

Because a lot of people,

Yeah,

We're all so busy in our lives.

We have many reasons not to be kind or not to focus on kindness,

Not to carve out a big part of our daily schedule.

Or make it a priority.

Number one,

And it's really,

It's the number one priority.

The thing is that there's so many studies that show us what kindness does,

Right?

We're happier,

We're healthier,

We sleep better,

Live longer.

So in essence,

We are actually born,

As you just said to your point,

We exist to be kind.

I mean,

All of the facts support that,

Because all of the things that we chase,

Right?

Eat healthier so we'll be healthy,

Sleep enough,

But you know,

Don't,

Meditate so you're not too angry.

It's kind of keeping all of our reactions at bay,

So we'll be,

But if you actually practice this one word,

You don't have to spend all that money and time and effort and all of this,

I mean,

Unless you enjoy them,

Right?

But in terms of a means to an end,

Kindness is the ultimate.

There is a section in the Bible that says,

Do not harden your heart,

Do not close your hand,

Do not clench your fist.

It says rather,

You should open your hand.

And it says that twice.

And that there's nothing worse in the world than somebody who does not give with an open heart,

Open hand,

Right?

Because there are many times where people will do actions of sharing,

They'll give big donations,

They'll give charity,

They'll even go to a soup bank,

You know,

Feed the homeless,

But are you doing it with an open hand or a clenched fist?

And that's all the difference,

Right?

Because you can do the action without the consciousness and you're still not going to be kind and therefore you're still not going to be happy.

Right.

It's an interesting,

It's one of my favorite verses,

Right?

Because it really underscores how you want to be living your life,

Because we're always interacting with people.

I know what I've received from people and you can feel the difference when it's really given with complete openness and true desire versus I'm going to do it because I kind of want to or I kind of want you to like me or whatever the agenda is.

Right,

Right.

And I think it's interesting,

It's one of the things I've noticed,

We've repeated a lot in the podcast,

Is the idea of practice.

And I think it's important that we understand that you,

I,

Every one of our listeners has to be practicing kindness in order to be a more and more kind person.

No matter how good we are naturally,

We do not come into this world to stay in our natural state even if it is of relative kindness.

It's to be developing.

And again,

Let's bring it back to the real reason.

If I want to be happier today,

Tomorrow more than today,

I need to be becoming a more kind person.

That's what we're saying.

That's the bottom line.

The only way I can become a kinder person tomorrow is by practicing kindness,

Which brings to mind a very interesting,

Really philosophical question that is raised by Maimonides.

He asked the question,

If you have two choices,

You can either give,

Again use the number,

A thousand dollars to one person who needs it or give one dollar to a thousand people who need it.

What's the right thing to do?

I like that question.

I don't want to be wrong.

Let me think for a second.

It's not going to be wrong,

Monica,

Even though you're not usually.

I would say,

I mean there's so many variables.

I would say a dollar to a thousand people.

Yay,

Monica.

Okay,

But again,

So the reason is,

He says,

Is because when you give one thousand dollars to one person,

You're doing one action of kindness.

Right,

Versus a thousand actions.

Because this is really the important point.

We do not do actions of kindness really to benefit the other person.

The real benefit of action of kindness is for myself.

I need to be practicing kindness.

So much better to do a thousand actions than one because by one you're practicing one.

With a thousand,

Obviously you're doing that practice a thousand times.

And if you view your life,

And this is my hope for me and for you and for our listeners,

That your life becomes about becoming a kind of person and there's only one way.

You could sit home all day,

You can listen to this podcast,

Twenty-five hours a day for the next hundred years,

You will not become a kinder person.

If you go out and decide,

Today I will do one more action of kindness than yesterday,

Tomorrow,

One more than the day before.

Practice,

Practice,

Practice.

Well we were listening to that,

I forgot his name,

I didn't catch it when we were listening to a podcast and he was talking about the kindness challenge and he had decided that he was going to do five acts of kindness in one day.

And I actually want to do this because he woke up in the morning and said,

Okay the easiest thing,

I'm going to call my mom and ask her if I can bring her breakfast.

Easy way,

Somebody you love,

It's in your circle,

It's not that hard to not be kind.

That's an easy thing to offer.

So he went to Starbucks to get her breakfast and then when he walked out with the food he saw a homeless guy sitting there.

So then he said to the homeless man,

Do you want breakfast?

He's like,

Yeah that would be great.

The mom,

By the way,

Never got the breakfast which I thought was funny.

So he gave the homeless man the food and then he walked away and he thought well that was the easy thing to do but I'm going to go back there and I'm actually going to have a conversation with this person and find out if they need any other help.

Which I think again most of us will go to the point of like I'm going to offer you a drink or a meal or give you a dollar on the street.

But he went back and really wanted to find out more.

So he started a conversation and the guy said actually I do need help,

I'm moving into an apartment today actually,

I need help moving it.

So he actually packed up and unpack…I don't think he had a lot of stuff but helped him move into this apartment.

And while he's there he gets a call from his friend who has a flat tire on the highway.

You know,

Hey man can you come help me?

So he goes out to help him and then while he's there with him he's like let me help you get some gas for the car,

Let's go fill up your car.

So then he went above and beyond and I think that that's kind of the thing because life is a series of choices.

And on any given day for the most part if we're having a bad day or we get in a fight with somebody and our ego is kicking in and is in the driver's seat,

Do we really go back to even like repair or be kind in the conversation?

No we feel like it's justifiable not to give in this moment or not be kind.

I'll do it tomorrow or I'm tired,

I had a long day or I had a flat tire,

Right?

I'm exhausted,

Whatever it is.

But if you flip the switch and you see it the way this guy did it,

Right?

To keep exploring not just this one thing,

How can I even challenge myself to take it a step further?

It's really,

Really inspiring.

And to have this internal dialogue,

I'll give you an example.

So for instance you and I often have the opportunity to be in rooms with a lot of people.

By the way I just want to say we're in New York City,

There's a lot of horns,

Traffic,

It's rush hour.

Luckily there's kind of rush hour again but that's all the noise you're hearing in the background.

If you hear it,

Yes.

I'm just keeping it real.

You're making me laugh today,

I like it.

I don't know why.

I like it,

I like it.

Monica usually makes me laugh but more today than usual.

So for instance we find ourselves in rooms with people,

Students,

Friends often and every time,

Almost every time I'm about to leave the room somebody comes over for one thing or another,

A conversation,

Something they want me maybe to help with and I literally and very often again,

We're all very busy people,

We all have places to go and usually the internal dialogue that I have going on,

Of course the first person who asks,

The second person who asks,

Sometimes it's five people,

Sometimes it's 100,

If I'm giving a lecture then afterwards and I literally have this dialogue in my mind which is of course I'm happy to be sharing my time or anything,

My words with this person or the next person but I never forget and this is for me,

I need to become a kinder person and that means not only the hundredth person,

The two hundredth person,

What more can I be doing with my time?

I could be studying,

I could be writing,

I could be teaching,

All amazing stuff but at the end of the day let's not forget why am I in this,

Why is my soul in this world?

Why are you doing all those things in the first place?

Exactly,

To become a kinder person and when you have the opportunity and being honest it's not oh you know sometimes it's late at night,

There's always many good reasons to say okay I'll share up until here,

Not you know the next step or the step after that but and I can you know we don't usually like to give guarantees,

I guarantee every single one of our listeners that you will find that if you practice and that's why hearing this podcast and being inspired to go out and do five actions of sharing is nice but hopefully the real takeaway is that you and I and every one of our listeners actually needs to be asking ourselves every single day am I becoming a kinder person?

The only way I can do that is by doing more actions of kindness and you know we have the opportunity to meet many people,

Even many people who have done great actions of sharing you know give a million dollars to a hospital,

But the reality is that unless you're practicing kindness every single day you're not becoming a kinder person and unfortunately there are many people like that who can do grand gestures and from the right place even,

They want to share,

They want to give,

They want to be kind but if they're not practicing kindness every single day you don't become a kinder person.

And again the objective here is that you will feel happy and fulfilled,

You will feel at peace right that thing that we're searching for all the time.

You will feel you.

This is the ultimate.

Yes and it's funny you know my mother would often tell people you know somebody would come to her with a problem,

Upset,

Disappointed,

Sad and my mother would say if you're feeling down immediately go do and share with somebody else because that's one of the surest ways to cure sadness,

One of the surest ways and again the science behind this I was actually when I was preparing for this podcast I was thinking should we quote that but I think almost every single one of our listeners has probably seen those studies that research is the reality is and again I think with the spiritual understanding we know why that is but the reality is that the studies science tells us that if you have a choice of doing two things one thing that you really enjoy for yourself and the second sharing with other person you will feel better,

Happier,

More fulfilled,

Certainly more fulfilled but happier when you do the action that is giving that is being kind to another person.

And by the way you know I read another thing of the story of a guy who was studying the whole idea of kindness and he wanted to see what a homeless person if they would offer anything if somebody came to them needing something.

So it was really interesting,

Really interesting and he went over to somebody and he was like oh you know I don't really have anywhere to stay or like he introduced somehow and the homeless guy invited him into his area where the tent was offered him food,

Fed him that night and was so willing to give anything half of whatever he had.

So this idea that like oh when I have more then I will be generous or listen I got to take care of my family if I don't take care of my family then my family is not going to survive right.

It's my inner circle first that I'll be kind with and then I'll extend it.

It doesn't work like that and those are just excuses I think that we use to not have to push ourselves to be uncomfortable because at the end of the day we all crave comfort.

Right and then again I think it's a good point here to really stop for a moment and ask all of our listeners to think the following.

If you're unhappy,

If you're sad,

If you're experiencing challenges the greatest way and probably one of the greatest reasons you are going through that is to awaken you to this understanding.

The only way you will be maximally happy at the degree that you're meant to be is if you're practicing kindness,

Becoming a kinder person every single day and again that's where my father would often say you know I'm not kind because I'm such a good and spiritual person I'm kind because I'm the most selfish person and I know though that if I want to be happy every single moment of every single day I need to becoming a kinder person every single moment of every single day and I need to be practicing that.

You know the Zohar foundational text of Kabbalah written 2000 years ago refers to a person who comes to you with a need not as a poor person but rather as a gift and that's really the way to view everybody in our lives whether it's the poor person in the street or somebody a friend or somebody we don't know who needs help we're not helping them they're giving us they're doing us a favor by allowing us the opportunity to become kinder and therefore happier.

Seriously as you're speaking I'm getting chills up into my body and just thinking about all the times that I had the opportunity to give and did right it's like nothing nothing feels better than that it's just an instant immediate high and you can find these moments everywhere I think that far too often what we do though is that we judge people and we think oh you know we shouldn't give again that whole thing of the tail of the other glove and being withholding whenever you think you know better and therefore you shouldn't give that that person's undeserved deserving you better give and give more than you plan to and for me what awakens me to give is in those moments where I see somebody not being kind then it suddenly like I wake up and say wow there's an opportunity for me I better grab it before somebody else does and I remember there was one day we go to 16 Handles a lot it's a frozen yogurt store in New York City and my kids really like it especially Abigail so one day we were we were having frozen yogurt I had both our daughters Miriam and Abigail with me and some kids like three four different young kids walked in and you could tell that they didn't really have extra money for for even for frozen yogurt and they had their backpacks on and they were you know which nobody really likes but they had samples and they kept like over filling them and there's ice there's yogurt going down their hands and the woman working there got really upset at them and basically and at this I'm just watching all this and I didn't even think I'm just watching right but her reaction was you know you always do this you come in here just for free samples you need to get out if you're not a paying customer now then that bothered me right so they're walking out and then I ran over and I was like please get whatever you want and I want to get so one kid was like no no no the other one was like oh really and and the woman working there looked at me in a disapproving way and so anyway they went to get their yogurt one boy was really humble he would hardly put anything I'm like please add more the other one had his overflowing it was really cute to see this whole thing and for me it was like it's so obvious right what an opportunity because I don't care why should we be sitting there enjoying frozen yogurt and somebody else not right so I think it's in those moments where we have the opportunity to do nothing or just to watch or perhaps even to judge that's when something's got to kick in and say wow here's that gift that I need absolutely and so you just reminded me of something again this is actually in the in the science of the research I also got major brownie points with Abigail there she's like wow mommy you're so nice Abigail's watching this recording of this podcast as well is that the research actually shows which is interesting and that's what we're recommending to our listeners that even simply being around action of kindness seeing somebody else behave kindly makes us happier as well and and again we're recommending to our listeners to actually push yourself to to do actions of kindness but but there's an energy around kindness that is contagious but more than contagious actually makes us happy makes us fulfilled well I'm going to repeat this over and over again but don't be kind to be a good person or spirit that's fine right but I think to be driven to wake up almost every single morning and asking yourself am I a kind of person me I know that I will not be happier tomorrow or at least to the maximum degree that I can be unless I'm pushing myself every day to be kinder I do want to talk about extreme altruism which is the opposite of being a psychopath right because I think that again I think some of our listeners might think well some people are just naturally more kind and that's just how they are and that's how they came into the world well that's probably true right everybody's nate there are deep people of different nature and yes there are some people that have absolutely zero empath and you know could care less if somebody was like dying in front right every day is different makeups but I do think you can absolutely push yourself to be more kind of course abigail marsh she's done a lot of work in this area and it stemmed from an experience that she had when she was a teenager I believe and she was driving on the highway and a dog came in front of her car and she to get out of the way she I think she ended up hitting the dog anyway but she swerved and she went across the median and she skid and was facing oncoming traffic and she became completely paralyzed in the moment like she was frozen she couldn't move she didn't know what to do cars are coming at her the next thing she knows a car from the opposite side of median right leaves his car runs across the highway yes knocks on her window and says let me help you move over he gets in her car turns it around and puts her to safety and she was in such shock he's like do you want me to drive you home she's like no she never even got to say thank you because she was still like imagine but that got her thinking like what would make somebody behave like that right so this started her whole life's work a lot of people who are altruistic in that way they're not even thinking actually in that moment they see something something inside of them says I've just got to go help and again I think that's what's so interesting about this conversation because is that something that's just their makeup is that genetic or is that something that they learned so in her studies they started studying the brain and the amygdala and in the people who were really altruistic theirs was 30 percent larger than average and those that were psychopaths was 15 percent smaller than the average but then the question is posed were they born like that did it grow because they were kind of the amygdala actually and get larger or was it always like that and what was really interesting in the study too because what she did is she found people who donated a healthy kidney of their own to a complete stranger okay I don't know how many people would do that to be honest and when she called them and asked them to participate in the study to scan their brains they of course were more than eager they're like absolutely will you fly in yes will you come to my place will do yes yes to everything and one group was so excited they came three hours early because they were afraid they were going to be late right so it is a different behavior but I think that's such fascinating information but what did they find what was the finding that's what that's when they found that's when they so when these people came they did the scan they don't know they don't know what comes first the chicken or the egg now they don't but I think that's really fascinating and I personally spiritually speaking right with all that we I think that it probably gets larger like most yeah you put energy into I would say yes for sure again for sure for sure we believe that every person can change so it might be true that every person comes in with a different baseline of kindness but absolutely every person can change and can grow it and break obelistically that's yeah teach I wanted to share a story but before that I wanted to ask you two surprise questions oh if you prepared it you don't usually prepare surprise questions I'm sure I like to surprise both of us so while I ask you the question you can think about your surprise questions so I have two surprise questions on kindness first share time when you wish you were kind or more kind oh Michael Michael Michael yeah I'm not a fan of surprise questions let me think I don't have a specific I can tell you the general theme I would like to do you have an idea of when I was like that for me oh for you I only see goodness and I never see now after that's not fair all right you go first maybe it will I remember well this is where you were kind but what was that story is so cute in the supermarket right there's something in the supermarket yeah no we're not okay but tell me yours when were you so I remember that I think I might have shared this in the previous podcast but we were sitting at at a dinner and there was a lunch actually and and somebody came over with a plate of food that they had made and I was in the middle of conversation with somebody else and and he brought over what he made he was really proud and he was very proud I didn't notice that I was in the middle of my conversation I said thank you and took it and then I think was then or a few minutes later he said you know he was really excited to share with you the food that he made and I was so happy that you told me that because you kind of didn't look at him even and yes I could see that he yeah I could see on his face he was disappointed so I remember I think was right then or never right then you called him over and I told him how right I'm so I appreciate it how good it was and again one of the things I think and this again varying into the relationship aspect of things but one of the important purposes of being in a relationship whether it's with a spouse or with a friend is hopefully they can catch you being unkind and help you become kinder right if we really view our life's purpose as becoming kinder then I think one of the things I'm really appreciative of you although you know but my hope would be that if you do see me behave unkindly or that I could be more kind that you would point it out because that's my goal you know who cares if you know that I made a mistake but the point is that I can grow from it and change from it so that's one time that I remember.

Yeah I think for me it's when like it's happened where I'll be in public and somebody will like be really nasty or attack and in those moments I don't always feel like I handled it the best way and afterwards I'm like I mean really if I can excel at that this year I'll be really really proud of myself where somebody even if it's a misunderstanding they're like yelling at me or whatever it is I want to be able to just still look at them with complete empathy benefit of the doubt and just offer kindness so I have failed at that but yeah.

And the point is again I think again the point is always remember you're being kind not because they necessarily deserve it in the world of science they say that what will make us more want to behave more with more kindness towards others is if we see them as good and or deserving of it but what we're saying is something different is that even if somebody is 100% not deserving I need to be doing the action of kindness for me and I think that's that really upends the whole concept I think most of us have in our mind yeah we're kind to our children because we love them and we're kind to our friends because we think you know in the back of our minds they deserve it because they do for us that's nice that's all really nice but that's not the point I need you or whoever that is whether you or do deserve don't deserve this I need to share for you for me for me and I think that that's a very important difference.

Well this takes me to this idea of global responsibility and I think it's a really important idea in the Talmud it says the world was created for me right so I think if you just hear that you're thinking great so that means that all the riches and all of the beauty and physicality all the things I want were created for me to enjoy but that's not what it means it means that the world is my responsibility and I don't know how many of us walk through life with that awareness or that consciousness right thinking no putting food on the table is my responsibility you know getting a good night's sleep is raising my children keeping them safe is my responsibility but when you shift it to the world is my responsibility it actually changes the way you interact with everything in your life every experience every opportunity every exchange and a person that comes to mind is Keanu Reeves you know he's an actor as most people know I know you like Keanu Reeves.

That's not going to come to my mind.

No and I'll tell you why because there's a lot about him I don't think people know and I was really inspired when I discovered this so no he didn't win an Oscar he's on the cover of every magazine but what inspired me is that he is actually very kind when he was working on the sequels to the Matrix and he was negotiating his own contract he made a back end deal to take a fraction of what he was making and give it to the costume designers to the lighting people to different aspects and he said their contribution is just as important as mine did not have to do that right when his sister was going through leukemia and she was battling leukemia she did successfully he gave five million dollars to help with that research and then he created a charity that now supports other children's hospitals and other cancer institutes he also he's just done various various work right in ways that he didn't have to do and Ravashlak says ask this question Kabbalist Ravashlak are you desiring to live your life with responsibility for the world and I think that's what it comes down to right what's the desire why are you smiling?

I don't know it's funny I just had a moment of déjà vu it's very funny.

I have never said that before but what I'm going to say is that do you remember that other No no no literally it was something weird it was like a weird moment yeah yeah Another story that we've been here we've done this before We've been here many many times before together Thankfully And I don't remember I don't know if you remember hearing the story but this is also very inspiring it was that the rape case and I don't remember her name right now I'm so sorry but she was at a party at Stanford University campus and there was drinking going on and one night she blacks out and she wakes up to a guy basically raping her outside on the campus and she's screaming and then these two students who are actually from Sweden to exchange students are riding their bikes and they see what's happening they jump off the bikes they go they pull him off of her and they make sure she's breathing they make sure she's okay they call for help meanwhile he's run away right the attacker and they get on their bikes and they chase him down they jump on him and they sit on him till help comes and all the while they're yelling at him saying why would you do this why did you do this what are you thinking what's wrong with you now for those two people I can say to you they're walking around with the consciousness that the world is their responsibility they didn't have to do that they could have said I called for help which they could have stopped at any given point and it's back to that story of the guy who did the five acts of kindness in a day I think we have to constantly push ourselves okay what more can I do even after you've done one act of kindness how can you then push that even further I think that's incredibly inspiring this is something so about 35 years ago or so we were traveling with my parents cross-country we did like a few of these you know from New York to LA from LA to New York and I remember we were in Chicago and we were we were no I just thought about the most unkind thing I ever did oh really it's okay that was I'll share it another time okay oh I think I know yes I think our listeners would really enjoy it but Abigail's favorite story anyway yeah I think you should share it but but so as we were in Chicago it we were there for for Shabbat for the for the weekend for Saturday and we went to a synagogue to pray with my parents we were literally doing this on a shoestring budget so we just bought like tuna cans to be able to eat that Friday night and I went to the synagogue and after the prayers were over some guy came over to us to my parents and said you know do you have any place where are you planning to eat tonight and I was like yeah don't worry about it you know we were staying in a hotel a motel you know we were just gonna go back and eat with our kids and he said no no no way no way and he invited us into his home I literally remember because again this is so long ago and there's so many memories you don't you don't keep but but how I don't have to worry I was impressed how moved I was he obviously didn't know us he didn't know who we were by his kindness and I think this really goes to your point is though what I said before like I don't know who would do that today out of fear yes for me to protect themselves from you know well in today's world yeah that's what I'm saying but but but I think but yes that if you're that the more you think about it the more you're trying to practice kindness the more you will find yourself in these positions and actually doing the kind taking the kinder maybe more uncomfortable but doing the kinder action the truth of the matter is everybody was a stranger right we were strangers everybody starts out as strangers and I think the fear of coming across a psychopath you know the chances are right slim I would say right and actually again this is a whole other conversation but there's actually many a few books on this and I know there's also scientific research you know that that evolution according to to evolution actually what what has allowed for evolution and development of human beings to where we are today is actually kindness and friendship rather than you know some people use the term survival of the fittest that's not really scientifically true and what is what is allowed for human development is actually friendliness and kindness and again as I said it's all of the conversation I do want to talk about one other point that I again listening to Dr.

Marsh that I took I think in a different understanding than what she gave and that is this she was saying that in order for us to be kind we have to push aside our ego or sense that I am more than somebody else because when you see yourself as more than somebody else then you say in the back again consciously and subconscious you say well you know why should I give them of mine more than them so so that the diminishment of the ego actually is the step towards sharing or being kind towards other people but Ravashloh the great Kabbalah is really the founder of the Kabbalah Center says an amazing thing which I find very inspiring and true he says and this is often you know when we when Kabbalah we try to take steps back meaning a deeper understanding why is it that we have an ego why is it that that it must serve some positive purpose why is it that I that many people think I am more important than everybody else by the way we spend most of our time taking care of me of those that I love of those that I care about why is that well that's the ego that's the thought that I am more important at least for me than anybody else but he says no the reason why we have an ego and the reason why we often think I am better more important than everybody else is because we have that spark of what we call the creator that force that created our world and the creator is greater than everything else that creative force that created our world is greater more important than everything else and that's what each one of us has within us that inclination to say I am more important more powerful more more more deserving than anybody else but he says the problem is that the next step after that thought is we say and therefore I should take everything for myself when in reality that creative force says because I am so important because I am you know maybe greater than anybody else but that necessitates therefore for me to behave in ways that are more of sharing which is more in tune with what makes me great with great what makes me unique with what makes me that creative force which makes me in tune with the creative force of our world so it's an interesting dichotomy between the initial thought which is yeah I am greater than so many others but to what end but that goes into the global responsibility again if you tap it into I am greater and therefore I have a greater responsibility to do good on to others and offer kindness absolutely but I think it's usually be stuff with the I am greater I am greater and more important and therefore I should take everything for myself when as the true thought is yes I am great I am more important and because of that I need to be sharing more or being more kind than others I think it's very important again to understand the underpinnings both the spiritual and psychological underpinnings but really where that and really changing that and therefore where it should take us.

I love that.

Yeah.

I do want to leave you with this one fable from Aesop.

I read it I thought it was kind of cool.

The wind and the sun bet as to which one can get a wayfarer to undress first.

The wind and the sun bet as to which one can get a wayfarer to undress first.

You just heard the undressing part you want me to repeat it again.

The wind starts it blows but the traveler does not undress.

It blows more strongly.

The traveler remains dressed and in fact he pulls his cloak more tightly around him.

The wind blows as hard as it can.

It blows gale a tornado.

The traveler far from undressing clings to his clothes for dear life.

Enter the sun.

It does its job.

It shines.

Now there is no more wind.

It gets hot.

The traveler takes his cloak off.

The sun wins not with strength but with warmth.

It's pretty right?

Yes.

I think it lends itself to kindness.

Kindness is that force.

It's that shining warmth right.

It's never the latter.

Right.

And it's much more powerful than most of us appreciate.

I think that really.

It's stronger than anything.

It's one thought.

You know I was saying one of my favorite quotes is from Marcus Aurelius.

It says that kindness is mankind's greatest delight.

And that's why I think the fable you shared is so important.

I think our biggest mistake is underestimating the power of kindness for ourselves.

Yes for the world as well but underestimating the power of kindness.

And the lasting effects.

Right.

Right.

I think we say this almost every episode and a few other things and areas of kindness but I think we should save it for the next time that we speak about kindness.

And I'll tell you that other story then.

Oh right right right.

Come on.

We're running out of time.

Are we really though?

I don't care.

I'll tell the story.

I just left it on such a nice happy spiritual note.

Next time.

So as we wrap up this episode I would like to ask all of our listeners to actually share stories of kindness.

So you can share a story where you were not kind where you wish you were.

A story where you push yourself to be kind hopefully because you listen to this podcast.

Maybe we can start a kindness challenge.

Yeah.

Like five things in a day.

Let's do that.

Then we can post about that.

But if I could just say rather than five things I think more important is… Five million things for the rest of your life.

No no no.

The times you really don't want to be kind.

Again like we said before… I think that if you decide and your consciousness is like okay tomorrow is Wednesday and I'm going to do five acts.

For him the opportunities kept coming.

His friend then says I have a flat tire come to the highway.

It didn't end that day.

Because as soon as you decide and you choose that it's what you're going to do and you also are now aware then you're going to notice things and then to have to say no.

Well that's not an option then.

Right.

Again my point is I think that the greatest practice and the greatest growth and ultimately the greatest fulfillment that any one of us will receive will be from the ones that we really don't feel like doing.

Yeah but absolutely.

So again share your stories about being kind or about… Being unkind.

Being unkind.

I think by the way I think sometimes we learn more from the times that we have been unkind than from the times that we've been kind.

And again we'll have the opportunity again to keep sending in your questions,

Comments,

Stories in general to Monica and Michael at Kabbalah.

Com.

And you know I really hope you know as we came into this podcast and we're talking about this I was worried,

Not worried,

But my concern is again that this becomes just one other thing.

One other you know hour of wisdom that a person receives.

But if you think about the world's religions,

If you think about all the spiritual paths of this world they're really only for one purpose.

Right.

And I remember this story of the great sage Hillel and the man came to me and said,

Tell me all the wisdom in one sentence.

He says,

Love your neighbor as yourself.

That's everything.

And the rest is just commentary on that.

And again for those… I remember that being tell me all the wisdom you can while you're standing on one foot.

That is what he said.

Okay.

One sentence.

I was like did I just make that up?

Love your neighbor as yourself.

And it's something that the Rob,

My father would often speak about and again where we become religious people,

Some people become religious,

Some people become spiritual.

You know I mean we know this right?

People you know start meditating.

Amazing stuff.

We're very pro-spirituality.

But I remember one of the things my father would say is that it's very easy to become religious.

It's very easy to become even spiritual.

To become kind takes a lifetime.

And there's nothing that will give you the benefits of kindness for your own self.

Not all the meditations,

Again meditations for the purpose of becoming more kind.

Even religious actions if you do them for the purpose of becoming more kind.

But don't get lost in all those details.

If you can honestly tell yourself that this week you're kinder than you were last week,

I'm not sure why you did any religious action or any spiritual action.

Why you meditated or why you prayed.

And I think that clarity,

Again for myself,

For you,

For every single one of us,

Can even the best of us get lost in spiritual practice and in religious practice sometimes.

There's only one reason any of that came into being.

The only one reason why any of that exists to make me a kinder person.

And if you can't honestly answer that question then rethink all the spirituality you're doing,

Rethink all the meditation,

All the prayer that you're doing.

This is the only thing that matters.

Am I a more kind person today than last week than last month?

Absolutely.

So,

Again,

Send in all your questions,

All your stories,

Monicaandmichaelacabala.

Com.

We are overwhelmed by the thousands and thousands of people listening and like we said,

Every time we sit here we really have in our mind's eye the thousands of people who will be listening and hopefully improving their lives in some ways.

And as I was thinking about this,

Hopefully every single one of our listeners will be a little bit,

Do at least one more practice action of kindness from listening to this.

Or five.

Or five.

But one of the things you can do is go to Apple Podcasts or wherever you get podcasts,

Share this podcast with other people and give five star reviews and write a review for it so that more people who don't know about the podcast can find out about it.

And as I always say,

I hope that you enjoy it as much as we enjoyed recording it.

Thank you for.

.

.

Abigail is saying,

I'm not sure if anybody heard,

Don't Forget to Show Seven-Year-olds this podcast as well.

Thank you for joining us.

Bye!

Reviews

Already since listening to this podcast I am trying to be kinder and make choices to help people. Hopefully I can keep it up over time.