125. Why Me?: 3 New Ways To Look At Life’s Challenges

Have you ever felt like the challenges you experience in life are meaningless? According to Kabbalah, every single bump in the road is there to help us evolve into something more than we are today. We invite you to join us for this live-recorded episode of Spiritually Hungry as we discuss the purpose of darkness in life.

Transcript

When it's so hard and you think that you have nothing left to be able to survive or to Surpass that that great challenge,

But those are the moments and it's hard to keep that perspective Unless you have a belief system that everything that is happening To you is happening through you and for you and that's the big shift that has to happen For people to be able to recognize that darkness is a way to get to light So happy to be here in LA spiritually hungry lie Yes,

There's a fundamental concept both in philosophy and many religions That everything in the world has a balancing or opposite side front and back up and down dark and light Which is our topic today?

Psychologist AJ Marsden wrote No left without a right no up without a down no inside without an outside Opposites give each other meaning and our interest are connected to each other.

It may be our imperfect Subjective and limited perspective more than anything else that determines whether something is light or dark good or evil positive or negative and so forth And if we enlarge our views,

We will find that little if anything is completely one state or the other If there are two sides,

There are two sides of the same coin So I'm really excited to unpack this because I think this is where we get into a lot of trouble in life we Are marred by things that have happened to us maybe Circumstances we were born into or trauma that happened over the years and I think if we can take this perspective that everything has to have those two opposing forces because it's an opportunity for us to become the best version of ourselves,

But I think we'll live very differently and one of my favorite Stories that represents this is the stories of two racecar drivers James Hunt and Nicky Lotte and Ron Howard created the film rush.

I think in 2013 about their story I haven't seen it yet.

You've recommended it a few times.

It's so good.

Let's watch it again together Let's do that.

Not that we ever have time to do that anymore.

But yes,

That would be fun.

So they were Arch nemesis they were equally great racecar drivers But they were so competitive one another they thought they hated each other and then one day Nicky Lotte got into a horrible accident on the Track and he had burns all over his body and he was in the hospital and while he's lying in the hospital He's cursing and screaming at the TV while he's watching James Hunt We're in race after race after race and as his lungs are being pumped and I mean he was really in horrible shape the doctor comes in and And he says to him stop thinking of it as a curse that you've been given an enemy in life it can be a blessing to a wise man gets more from his enemies than a fool does from his friends and It reframed things for him So once he got out of the hospital They met up together and James Hunt said I feel responsible for what happened to you and he said to him you are but you were equally responsible for getting me out of that bed and racing again and From that place they became friends But I think it's such a perfect example of the things we think if we could just remove that Person or that situation or that diagnosis or whatever it is Then then everything would be fine Then I would find happiness or Nirvana or whatever you want to call it But it's not really that actually if I can stop you because we don't we expect you to stop me By the way,

Every once in a while we get some hate mail to the podcast about how I interrupt Monica.

So I apologize ahead I wanted to actually ask a question to our to our friends here in the audience Raise your hand if there's something in your life right now that is Well in Monica's words something you would want removed or something that is challenging is who raise your hands Yes.

Yes,

By the way,

I didn't expect to say this but I read in an article Somebody started like a fake online thing.

Like if you want to get rid of somebody I'm your person right?

No,

But as like as a joke like literally as a joke It's a fake.

Yeah,

Just and then he got people writing in and he posted what they were asking and I'm reading this and I'm like I cannot even one person was like my father just doesn't let me use the remote control when I want.

Can you kill him?

Really?

Yeah.

No,

I mean literally like crazy things or like Just things that you're thinking like well,

How are you not thinking?

Because they were nothing was serious It wasn't like they were like being raped every night or like these are just like they didn't you know I don't feel loved,

You know,

Can you break their legs or I just crazy but well,

So I'm sorry so what the point of course being is that every single one of us has most of us at least have Something in our life even right now that in the I would say wrong,

But different consciousness you would say Oh,

I wish this didn't exist in my life,

But I hope that from what we shared tonight We come to the point when we not only embrace it on some level we actually start desiring it and that might be a higher Level,

But again,

I think the other part of that is for the racecar drivers,

Right?

They took the challenges between them as being personal and I think that's where we really get in trouble We think that things that are happening the way somebody spoke to us or looked at us or didn't look at us or whatever energy We didn't get that.

We wanted that.

It's a deeply personal and it's intentional when really everybody's living their lives Thinking the same thing right tonight.

They're really paying attention to you they're so wrapped up in their own version of chaos or what's happening and When they stop seeing it as personal and they could see that they were really the best things for one another,

Right?

So I'm gonna cut you up.

You were talking about yes the The ability to actually not want those parts of our lives to be removed Yeah,

I mean,

It's human nature,

Right?

We think that we don't want opposition So I guess the question that we are positing tonight is how do you find light in the darkness?

So there's a parable.

I thought was kind of cute one day the darkness said to the light I hear so much about you So why can't I see all of you?

To which the light replied because if you were to fully see me you would no longer exist and The same would be true if I were to see all of you and as a result the two decided to remain separate Equal partners in games of shadow and light and so is the world of forms and shapes born and So much of life is like this parable It's the interplay of opposites always playing one against the other.

So it's not that we want the absence of challenges It's we want to be able to get to a place where we recognize that The challenges were seeds that were able to grow our blessings and joy.

Well,

Let me ask you This is based on one of my more favorite teachings But if I asked you I have asked any of our friends here tonight we have in life really two baskets of Occasions,

Right?

There's the times we wake up in the morning and we're excited and we're inspired and throughout the day we're doing what we love doing or enjoy doing and That takes up a certain percentage of our life and then there are those days hours months Sometimes where we feel the heaviness of life something is happening something that we're going through Which of those is more important you're stealing my thunder.

Oh,

I'm sorry.

So there's two types of light Is that where you're going?

Well note I was gonna say is and this is one of the very important capitalistic teaching that When a person looks back at their life What will be the most important are not the great days They're beautiful and we should enjoy them and we should appreciate them But the most powerful times in our life are going to as we look back at them And also when our soul leaves this world and it looks back at our life.

It will look back at those minutes hours days of Challenge and darkness from which we were able to extract even one Spark of light,

Right?

So it's Two there's two kinds of light,

Right?

There's light from light and there's light from darkness So the first one I think you were describing is light from light where let's say today.

I had a great day Everything went my way.

I feel really good I'm happy Got the parking space where I wanted to and this other thing happened that I wanted it's just so great and I was even able I was nice to somebody and kind and just felt I went to bed.

It's like oh,

It's just a great day It's a light-filled day right help some people everything worked my way the universe supported me in that great Did I get light from that day?

Yeah,

I got some light then there's light from darkness and that is where you feel Worried or hectic and you've run from place to place and maybe even lost your temper and you lashed out at somebody and it's really not Going your way and then at some point in the day,

You were like,

Wow,

I can actually choose my consciousness I can choose my response.

I can start my day over at any moment.

You know,

I love doing that,

Right?

Nine o'clock wasn't great ten wasn't great twelve was even worse one o'clock wait,

I can restart my day and choose something else right and Those moments where I took ten seconds to shift my consciousness and maybe do an act of sharing and go out of my way to Really still engage with the energy that that day has to offer That is light from darkness and that kind of light is so much more powerful.

It's life-changing really for the person It's actually the only reason our soul came into this world And I think that that's a very very important understanding because we usually beat ourselves up.

Oh my god I lost my temper today to my child or the stranger or whatever and then right away you want to take it back and then What happens is we spend the rest of the day beating ourselves up or maybe we just want tomorrow to start already We've written off that day when in fact that is perfectly set up for each one of us to be able to say wait a second This is where change Happens this is how it happens when I can choose something in the moment where I don't feel like it It's the last thing that I want to do and I don't even think it's possible You dig so deep into the better part of yourself.

They're able to change that day and thereby change yourself Absolutely,

And I think I want to take just pause a moment here because I think it's such an important Understanding and it's not our natural way of thinking The phrase which is the Aramaic phrase of that teaching which is that we are not in this world To bring light from light we are in this world and the real the purpose of our soul and the way that we actually achieve our Greatest growth is what the term in Aramaic is nehora migo chashucha,

Light out of darkness And when you think about your life in that way again,

As we said before you appreciate Of course those days when everything is going right But when the day is not going right when you are feeling that heaviness vote for whatever reason internal or external You have the ability to say this isn't just a terrible thing.

I'm going through a bad thing.

I'm going through There's a purpose to this not only is there purpose to this But that this is actually the purpose of life To be able to go through those experiences and yes grab a moment of some light of some elevation And we are able again to reframe our frame,

You know our lives in that way when we do and we absolutely will Experience those challenges and those challenging times and days It gives us much greater.

I think excitement or inspiration to go through them and If I can share it's an idea,

You know many of us know one of my more favorite stories biblical stories the story of Jonah and I'm assuming so many of us have heard the story So the story I want to hear great juicy details about how you felt so emotional about it and you love Monica those of you who listen the podcast known Monica likes when I enjoys when I share personal stuff This isn't necessarily that but I will I will I promise you I will I promise I will so the story of Jonah,

Right,

So the story of Jonah is Jonah was a young man who was called upon to to bring a message of change To to a city to a place called Nineveh and he does not want to do it for different reasons So he decides to run away from his purpose.

That's the way the story begins and As many of us know the story continues.

He he takes a boat and he tries to leave town and the huge storm comes and the boat is about to be swallowed up by the ocean and They throw lots and they find out to ask God you know who whose fault is the fact that we're in this storm whose fault is it that we're about to all die in this boat and the lot fell on Jonah and Jonah says it's true that this storm and this Difficult situation is my fault because I'm trying to run away from from my calling So he says the only answer the only solution to your problem is to throw me overboard and Jonah is thrown overboard and He swallowed up and this is the story he swallowed up by a well and he's in there for three days and he experiences great darkness and Then after three days of pain of darkness he is he finding and he's meditating and he's praying and he's begging and he's crying and The well it says Throws him out onto the land and there he is awakened again He realizes there's no way of running away from your life's purpose and he goes and he brings the message and he brings great transformation but what I think is really interesting about the Jonah story or more important the story of Jonah being swallowed by the well and This again,

I think is such a beautiful way to reframe our challenging times Jonah was experiencing darkness as we all do at different times,

But it wasn't That he was stagnant in his darkness.

I think the mistake that we often make of thinking is I'm in the prison of darkness Sometimes it's a great darkness since it's a minor darkness and I just can't go anywhere.

I'm not going anywhere I'm stuck and only when the clouds of darkness will be removed Then I'll finally be able to do something purposeful or do something The secret of the story of Jonah is that even while he was in the darkness the well was bringing him towards his purpose and Even though he didn't see that Just knowing that darkness keeping him in his belly keeping his belly And then he brought him to the land to this city of Nineveh where he had to give his message and the point is The mistake that we think that we make in thinking about darkness is we believe it's a prison more importantly It's a prison that traps us and we're not moving When you reframe that understanding,

Which is that darkness is actually movement It's movement that maybe I don't understand.

It's movement.

That is not my choice But just as Jonah was being moved in the belly of the whale towards his purpose while experiencing great sadness and darkness That really is both the purpose You can be sad and we all you know have those overwhelming times but know Know that the darkness is not a state a prison that hopefully it's some someday you get out of The darkness is actually moving you forward.

So this is the concept the process is the purpose and right in here Darkness,

Right because process process nobody likes process,

Especially Aquarians and other signs that fast fast fast,

Right?

That was a call out to our son.

I did not say that you Did not you cannot blame me tonight and So process nobody really likes but process that if we use the story of Jonah,

He's wet He's in a fish a whale a mammal whatever Swimming to what and he's thinking probably everybody else is having a hard time A fish a whale a mammal whatever swimming to what and he's thinking probably everybody else is having a great life Why am I stuck here?

Why am I suffering?

Why am I being punished?

Right?

That's where we go to so we never really Especially when it's extreme especially when it's so hard and you think that you have nothing left To be able to survive or to to surpass that that great challenge But those are the moments and it's hard to keep that perspective Unless you have a belief system that everything That is happening To you is happening through you and for you and that's the big shift that has to happen For people to be able to recognize that darkness is a way to get to light and more importantly again I want to I do want to underscore this idea That even when we're in darkness and sad and crying And we feel that it is all encompassing know That that darkness is moving you forward And even again,

Even if in the moment you can't Embrace that darkness But know that just as jonah in the darkness of the well Was being brought towards his purpose Every time whether it's a moment again an hour or a day That darkness is moving you forward and as a matter of fact,

The reality is and I think many of us have experienced this in life that it is those moments of Challenge of darkness that are probably used properly and understood properly are probably the greatest Movement forward rather than the times that we're inspired and feeling good and so on So you've given the answer but it's not easy to get there.

It's just knowing.

Yeah No,

No that this is all for your greatest good,

Right?

We talk a lot about that.

I think what it comes down to ultimately is certainty Having certainty in the process,

Especially when it's unknown the outcome So I love talking about certainty because I think it's a buzzword that people don't even really know what it means anymore Yeah,

I'm certain,

You know,

Sometimes certainty to some people is positive thinking.

Sometimes it's just believing um So I want to just unpack what certainty is by talking about what it isn't and I spoke about this a few weeks ago But I think it's really worth Going through it again So certainty isn't something we use to get what we want,

Right often people are like i'm so certain I'm,

Really i'm certain i'm going to find my soulmate.

I'm certain i'm going to find my dream job I'm certain that i'm going to make all the money I want That's not really certainty though.

Certainty is saying i'm going to do everything that I can to manifest those things and even though the soulmate still isn't there it's having certainty that it's going to come to you because you're doing the work to To bring that to you and you understand that even though that person's not there Maybe they're going to move in next door or there's still some work for you to do.

So certainty is being able to Trust completely that the hand of the creator is in everything And not just saying I know Right.

Absolutely Certainty and by the way,

Um to that point and I I shared this too that And there's a really powerful story of one of our our students here tonight has about that but a few weeks ago I had a challenge where I had a bully like come up to me and It was as if she slapped me in the face out of nowhere I haven't seen this person in 10 years accusing me of really horrible things and she just wasn't going to hear anything I had to say because she fully believed whatever she believed and I remember walking away feeling really upset and and sad and bullied,

You know But then there's nobody to talk to so what did I have to do?

I stopped and say okay the creator's hand is in this also.

I don't know why I don't know what in that moment.

It's supposed to do but I know that it's the best thing for me And I came to some different conclusions,

You know I think if you step into a role of leadership Then you're going to take on a lot of stuff For a lot of people and it's going to make me stronger into the person.

I need to be It doesn't matter what that person thinks of me.

It doesn't matter if I can ever let her know the truth It's not even about that It was an opportunity for me To get to that place of total certainty that the hand of the creator is in that So I would like to I don't know if we have another mic,

But our friend.

Kenny fisher is here and I'd like him to um If he wants to share his story Because when I have to tell you and I didn't tell you this earlier tonight when this happened to me with this bully We talked about your story because It physically happened to you.

It it felt like it happened to me and I and your story kind of made it all make sense yeah,

I you know,

I wear these because uh About a year and a half ago.

I went in for a cataract Operate,

Which is the easiest thing in the world.

It's easier than going to the dentist But unfortunately,

They found That I had an ocular melanoma under my right eye.

So that's malignant cancer So I was all upset.

I said,

But you know what?

Mr.

Fisher,

Uh 10 years ago,

We would have to take your eye Today here at the stein eye institute.

We're going to take a piece of gold about the size of your fingernail And we're going to beat it to paper thin and then we're going to put six radioactive diodes on it And we're going to put it in a bubble and we're going to put it behind your eye And it's going to stay there for a couple months And they took it out and you know,

Thank god The cancer was gone So it's a long process of healing and like I couldn't drive because the lights were too bright And the lights sometimes in here are so bright that I have to wear these glasses so About three months ago.

I'm walking to the center Uh,

We live on the other side of pico.

I'm coming down robertson And when I get almost to the corner this tall guy kind of light skin Hits me right across my neck Just right across here and knocks me down to the ground And I get up and I he was gone.

I was so upset I mean honest I was screaming and yelling and all the way to the center I was cursing the guy and I went I did my nikva And I came out and I sat down and I opened my siddur and I could read I could read perfectly and it was like I mean,

I know I could read better than I could read before I had the operation Curse blessing if that wasn't an angel,

I don't know who was So,

Thank you.

Thank you Such a I think it's such a powerful story because that person who was opposition who you know Kenny didn't deserve that right?

But then what did it do?

It created this opening for This greatest blessing,

Right?

So we just don't know So certainty also isn't pretending that we don't have fear or doubt if you are living and breathing You will have fear and doubt It's just part of it.

Sure.

Can you have lesser or greater depending on what you work on?

Yes,

But that is a part of life.

So it's not like oh,

I'm so certain.

I'm certain.

I have no fear No,

It's okay to be afraid Certainty is being able to go ahead and do the things that you need to do In spite of feeling full of fear or doubt it's doing it It's doing it anyway and knowing that ultimately it's going to be the best thing for you it's working through that Certainty isn't the same thing as belief when we say that we believe in something It indicates that we have the ability to also not believe in it It implies that we have decided what we believe and your father the rub would often talk about this It's not about belief.

It's about knowing it's a deep knowing In your heart that again as you know,

The sun is going to rise Each day it's a knowing that every single person every single obstacle every single challenge every single fear or worry or doubt that you find in front of you in your life is Absolutely as it is as it should be right And I think and the idea is again With that you come to be able to embrace and even an ultimate level to enjoy those challenges or those moments of darkness and there's a A very famous capitalist from a few thousand years ago His name is Nahum Ishgamza,

Which means Nahum who when anything happened in his life He would say this is also for the good which means even though his experience in that moment was dark His experience in that moment was of a great challenge He didn't experience it as light in that moment But he embraced it because he knew that ultimately it was going to be for his benefit And I think you know when we talk about spirituality the study and the work That might be the most important test That we should have for ourselves,

You know,

If you ask somebody what does it mean to be spiritual?

And I think For me,

And I think for for for our friends here tonight and our listeners.

I think that should be the most important test How Embracing are you more today than yesterday more tomorrow than today?

Of those times of darkness of those times of challenge and you wanted me to share something personal So i'll share something personal monica really enjoys this.

I hope everybody here and it's probably about me.

No,

No,

It's not about you No,

No,

So so in the past weeks.

I noticed something very interesting.

So in in,

You know part of the gift or call it part of the work that we do,

You know,

We have many students from all over the world and Whenever they go through the challenges,

They're always texting us calling us,

You know And In the past week or so.

There's been a thought by the way this morning.

So it's been it's been a lot It's been a lot.

I mean like literally like I had The past 24 hours I had a call at 5 30 5 30 in the morning Somebody's close relative passed away the night before somebody texted me that um that they're uh,

They were going through they found out a very big,

Uh health challenge that a few hours before that is to the funeral That also,

Uh,

Yeah,

Yeah a funeral that I had to uh,

And then before that a student was showing me their son is is addicted Is that is back to his addictions?

I mean so and I just felt just in the past few days and I share this with monica And now with all of you that it was,

You know,

So you sort of feel the weight of that,

Right?

I mean literally almost every hour or so.

It was another call or another text And but but the point is for me it wasn't about oh,

Well,

Okay.

Let me be happy now You know,

Sometimes you're supposed to experience the weight And that is part of the process as we said before it's actually the more important part of the process But for me what it was is that understanding?

Okay?

No,

So this is heavy now and you're you're not sort of in the state that you'd not naturally or normally be But that's moving you forward and I think the embracing of the darkness or the heaviness as Even if you don't see it or necessarily understand it If you don't see it or necessarily understand it as moving you forward That's the the ultimate test or the ultimate really state of being spiritual And what I would say to that is is that the only way you can really come to that Is if you're truly focused in life to transform You know,

Some people come to spirituality and spiritual wisdom and what they want is I don't know if you call it a quick fix But what can I do to get these things that I want or what can I do to be happy?

And all those things by the way are an important part of the spiritual work And not the most important part of the spiritual work.

It also can't be the end goal No,

The most important part of the spiritual work is knowing that whoever I am today I have to become different My ego has to be diminished what we call in capitalistic terms My selfishness or my desire to receive to the self alone has to be diminished If that's my goal Then it becomes much easier to embrace the dark times or the heavy times If my singular goal is how can I continue with my ego or how can I continue with my selfishness?

Then I don't have any ideas for you.

I don't have any advice for you But I don't think people recognize that that's what they're doing necessarily Well,

Okay But I think it takes introspection and and really asking yourself Why am I in any way trying to study spirituality or why am I trying to engage in this path?

And hopefully it's not well I had this problem I want to get over it or I have this thing that I want.

How do I get it,

Right?

The real purpose of true spiritual study Is the knowledge that the state that I am today with the ego that I have with the selfishness that I have I want to transform that and knowing that a big part of that process is going to be that there are going to be heavy times and they're going to be dark times and through that I become elevated and through that I can come It's actually one of the only ways that I can come to be the person that I'm meant to be and when you do that That's when you're able to transform and ultimately embrace the the darkness ultimately embrace the heavy times And if I can share this that's why we need to practice each and every day I mean that was the the fourth one before you started sharing Or cut you off is the word you were looking for Certainty isn't something we should only use in times of need And I think that's when people start to really get on their hands and knees when something they hear Whatever that's the worst thing and then they really start trying to use it And if you haven't built that muscle day in and day out when you really need it in those big moments you just do not have anything to call from or to gather from and it's practicing in each and every day and I've become so used to that that as soon as I hear something that let's say I plan something or I was invested in something And it's i've tried every way and it's a no or even if I haven't tried I'll show up at the airport and whatever it is right away.

My brain starts to say.

Okay,

That's not an option anymore What else can I do?

It's never about why did this happen?

And what is it meant to be because I think that's the other thing when people for instance,

Let's say they Don't ever travel.

They don't enjoy life.

They spend all of their time working They save up enough money to go away for two weeks a year you plan the vacation what happens?

There's a hurricane whatever it is.

You can't go there anymore.

I think oh my god.

What am I going to do?

I'm,

Not meant to go on this trip.

I'm not deserving what right?

We can go to that place or you can say wow,

Okay,

It's not supposed to be now This is not an option.

When else can I go?

What else can I do?

What can I do in those two weeks i've already gotten off work What are my other options when you start to look at life like that?

Everything you realize is coming to you to support you in the best and most powerful way Absolutely,

And it's interesting the other part of that is that you will find That it is those times of darkness of heaviness of challenge that actually Enabled you to know yourself better.

There's a Really nice essay by oscar wilde The way he speaks about the poet and he says that the poet is one step nearer to the truth and the understanding is that When we are when things are going our way We don't usually take the time to look inside one of the great gifts Of challenging times one of the great gifts of opposition Is that if used properly and it needs to be used properly it gives us the time to truly To come to truth to see about ourselves to see our lives If we did not have those times of darkness again,

Not everybody uses them as we're supposed to use them But if you did if we did not have those times of darkness,

Then we would never come to a true knowledge of ourselves And maybe changes that we need to make or truer knowledge of our lives and changes that we need to make exactly negative emotions Negative thoughts are meant for us to take pause and say how can I see things differently?

How can I be?

Different what do I need to change?

But if we're constantly looking at why and who did it and what's It all about from a you know,

I want this to go away.

You're never going to get to that place right and to that point and again if you I this is a big idea that i'll Explain in a short way.

There's a section in the zohar That speaks about three words locks openings and chambers locks locks opening and chambers and what the czar says is that When you come to a place that seems closed to you,

Right?

So a person Wants there's so many you can't find them or is going through a dark time and doesn't see the way out That lock is not something That goes away But if you persevere through the lock it becomes an opening And still the opening is relatively small if you persevere Through the opening it becomes a chamber filled with blessings So the idea is that the darkness when used properly Is not something.

Oh,

I Got out of that prison or I got out of that darkness or I got out of that challenge every lock or every time of darkness is When you persevere through it and you have the consciousness The proper consciousness around it and you push yourself and know and embrace it becomes an opening And then if even though the opening is small you persevere through the opening it becomes a chamber filled with blessings And the ultimate chamber filled with blessings for our lives can never be achieved If not through the lock if not through that time of darkness So when you understand that and again,

I do recommend if you For those of us who have the Zohar to actually study that section,

It's a beautiful and profound section But what it does is it gives a true understanding of what darkness is.

Darkness is the lock to the opening to the chamber full of blessings,

But only Only if we persevere only if we embrace it only if we say I don't want to get out of this I want to transform this darkness into the opening into the chamber filled with blessings.

I love that there's a great ted talk by Andrew solomon,

It's called how the worst moments in our lives make us who we are And he said i've come to feel that the truth is irrelevant.

We call it finding meaning We might be better off calling it forging meaning In his book far from the tree.

He profiled families dealing with all kinds of challenges One of the mothers he interviewed had two children with multiple severe disabilities She told him people always give us these little sayings like god doesn't give you any more than you can handle But children like ours are not pre-ordained as a gift.

They're a gift because that's what we have chosen We find meaning and purpose in our biggest struggles by seeing things that way.

I think it's such a powerful way It's really forging meaning right exactly.

I think this is and maybe this is maybe the most important idea which is related to what I was showing before Is that if we know?

That the greatest moments of our lives at those times of darkness why Not because we go through them but because By embracing them we transform them into blessings You know and we have many life experiences like this where Some people experience them and all they have are bad memories of that terrible thing that happened to them On the other hand they could have amazing memories how through that darkness They came to the opening into the chamber full of blessings But that that is the work of consciousness and that is the the embracing of those dark times He goes on to say forge meaning and build identity That became my mantra because he went through obviously some difficulties forging meaning is about changing yourself Building identity is about changing the world Forging meaning and building identity does not make what's wrong,

Right?

It only makes what's wrong precious beautiful beautiful and so if I before we ask them our friends if they have for questions,

I would say probably For me and hopefully for for our friends here and for our listeners The most important change that comes from this understanding Is not necessarily that you enjoy the darkness But that you love it Because you know that this is A place for me to persevere through you love it or you know,

You need it Well,

You know,

You need it and you come to love it because it ultimately becomes your chamber filled with blessings But not if you're trying to get out of there as soon as possible and not if you see it as something to you know Just get through Those are the most important moments and situations in of our lives knowing that and Even when you're not Enjoying it knowing this is going to become an opening at some point.

This will become our impulse is to To push it away,

Of course And so of course obviously this would be the greatest way to change your nature because you're forced to do so Just by embracing and more than that It's almost like again if you use and that's where I think it's so powerful this this that three-word,

You know teaching We go through life and we see the darkness and we go past it forgetting that that was actually a lock To an opening to a chamber and then the person goes to life say well,

Why have I never found my blessings?

Why have I never found my light?

Well,

You went past every single one of them because you saw them as darkness and you went past rather than knowing They were a lock to a room to a chamber and taking the time to open that lock exactly and persevering and embracing it Speaking of persevering.

Um So we are talking about our the children's book the gift of being different they went to we've been to 15 schools we've spoken to thousands of kids in different states.

We went to some schools this week to today and There's always one or two children that share well I don't like my superpower,

Which is their um Difference,

Right?

It's too challenging and I just want it to go away and I think and I love that they vocalize that then you have other kids that are already starting to Recognize that this experience this thing that they have that makes them different is actually what makes them really special Which is the message of our book and always to that child I say you just are at the beginning of it Everything is hard at first and just know that this challenge Is showing you something that is so beautiful about yourself that you haven't learned how to use yet You know if you look at any Superhero,

Right?

And I use this example with the kids if you have spider-man,

You know when he has his webs at first He's shooting himself in the face.

He's falling off the building You don't know how to use that power that you have that seems really weird and odd I mean web shooting out of wrists,

Right?

Or any superhero but that's the idea there's parts of ourselves that we wish that would just go away And then we could be like everybody else when the truth is we're meant to be varied and different and that is what makes us Similar actually,

It's fine.

I just realized as you were talking.

That's That the book is exactly the point,

Right?

That when All of us,

But some of us more more clearly have a challenge Rather than and some people many people unfortunately do this.

They they compartmentalize it.

Oh,

This is my My challenge,

Let me go on with the rest of my life But no actually this When you embrace it and understand its true power becomes that thing that makes you special Becomes that thing that makes you powerful and brings you to your purpose in life.

It's beautiful Beautiful.

Thank you So,

Uh,

We have a few minutes for if anybody has any questions comment stories.

They want to share.

Please don't be shy I see a raised hand here.

We have the mic Um firstly,

Thank you Um,

What's your name?

My name is leon My question is um for like myself or or seeing friends going through periods of darkness um,

You know,

It can be difficult to watch as a bystander and I guess my question is when it turns from maybe a period of darkness that might lead to some growth to Something where someone's harming themselves or like,

You know,

There's something physical or drug addiction or something like that It's really hard to just sit back or to even Feel that that's going to lead to something good.

Um,

So I guess the question would be like Is there a moment where you need to step in and say?

Um,

You know this has to end type thing So so the answer is of course Right and this is both true for ourselves And true for those that we love or those that are that are our friends It's our actually our responsibility if we can,

You know My father robert often uses the phrase that often people embrace their chaos sometimes it's in extreme cases such as addiction,

But all of us,

You know,

We I have often seen people who you know are going through that moment of darkness But really it's not that they are going through it if they're putting themselves in it And and some of the people some people get energy From oh,

You know telling their sad story to everybody that can listen some people that happens through through addiction Of course,

There are times both to yourself and to others you say,

Okay No,

No more of this if you're if you're talking to yourself if you're talking to a friend again Obviously addiction is it's a much bigger topic and challenge,

But but certainly certainly there are times Internally to ourselves to those that we love to our friends where it's not and we don't say oh I'm embracing that darkness for them No,

If I have the ability to to interject to cause an end to that darkness for myself and for others Of course,

It's our responsibility and again,

Especially for ourselves and again addiction is a much much more difficult one But we all go through times if we catch ourselves we realize you know,

This is my story my sad story I just I keep her playing in my mind,

But no stop,

You know,

I don't know if anybody remembers this is on youtube I recommend this there's a bob newhart.

Oh,

It's also in my book rethink love exactly read so many times exactly I think you're right.

Yes.

So where where he says where he says just stop it,

Right?

If you're right,

I recommend watching the point is We so when we talk about embracing darkness or embracing the the challenging times.

It's not About wallowing in it.

It's when it's happening to us accepting and embracing it But when there's the the way out We we have to take it when there's the ability to put an or a stop or at least To to bring it to to a lower level.

Of course,

That's our responsibility I just want to take a little bit of a different stance on this.

I think that when it comes to Things like people hugging their chaos,

Right?

They want to stay in a situation and stay in a job That's a dead end for too many years and they were never happy there.

I mean those are choices,

Right?

I think when you talk about things like addiction or um An eating disorder.

It's it has a different hold on the person,

Right?

There's other things going on physiologically genetically How to show up for those people who are struggling in that way I can only bring an example from my own life that I i've written about also is that It's it's an idea of unconditional love when I was in the throes of anorexia And everybody,

You know,

I had people tell me like,

You know tough love just eat already.

I mean being selfish I mean I had a horrible thing like just what are you saying?

Actually?

I'm like starving myself not really because I want to right um but there was one person in my life at that time and it was my father who as much as he was really a strong force and he You know was never shy about Uh telling you or yelling you yelling at to his opinion in this situation I was so broken and I Was so wounded that he didn't do that.

Actually he loved me through it and he stood by my side and I think just having his Energy there not telling me to eat not telling me what I was doing was wrong Not telling me how it was hurting other people that loved me just being by my side I remember being so comforted by that and it didn't heal me.

I had to do the healing but it Allowed me the space To have that process with less judgment because I felt a lot of judgment from other people who were scared by it.

I understand Or you know,

They feared it.

They didn't understand what was happening or why I was doing it and To really emphasize the story At that time I had this great idea to hike the grand canyon From rim to rim in one day and the irony is you have an anorexic a diabetic Another person who had an injury,

You know,

Two diabetics and another person who something was with his leg I don't know we did it and he went along with it,

Even though it was a crazy really bad idea and I remember though He walked me through it,

You know so I would just say that that that really goes a long way the person has to fight their own struggle,

But just Being there unconditionally does more than you might realize Yeah,

I'll just i'll add one one thing and actually malachi was talking about this the other way They I would strongly recommend there's a there was a opinion piece in the new york times a few Days,

Maybe last week by david brooks and he wrote about his best friend who was suffering from depression and ultimately committed suicide And it's it's a beautiful piece and I really recommend it's about friendship It's about being there for people and what he wrote one of the things that he wrote which I thought was very powerful He said that he realized after the fact That his friend didn't need him to heal him.

He needed to to hear him and to be there with him Which is you know often again every situation is different You have to you know,

Sometimes we we try to fix the situation When really our place is to be there and and it's it's a beautiful piece I think as I said,

I recommend reading it,

But it's you know,

It's it's there is no black or white in this sometimes It's about being tough and sometimes it's about being there and sometimes it's somewhere in the middle,

Uh,

But I think being mindful of that and really assessing what is the greatest Benefit for that person at that time sometimes we don't know and I would say is you know,

Uh,

Being there unconditionally is almost never a bad thing I am ken So,

Um,

One of the major themes you're talking about is embracing darkness,

Obviously,

So can you elaborate a little bit?

On on those people certainly myself included that have a tendency occasionally to beat themselves up slash-guilt In essence,

It sounds like it's the polar opposite of what you're describing and you don't grow from that situation It sounds right.

So but if you can elaborate on on how Beating yourself up slash guilt Short circuits that process and doesn't help you grow,

Right?

That certainly helped me and then and and part of that Is I think it's related.

Is that just having no certainty or a lack of certainty?

That the that the light's in the business in essence Yes So what I would say is is it's a very important because as anything that's true.

It's all in the details.

So one of the most important understandings is that Where we find ourselves Is exactly where we need to be Now we might have made a mistake And gotten there,

But the fact that we made a mistake and got there doesn't mean that we didn't have to be there,

Right?

So what that means is I'm right.

What do we what do we say to ourselves?

I made a mistake and therefore i'm in this situation and therefore i'm at fault and therefore I should feel guilty Or beat myself up about being in this situation But if you understand that I actually had to be in this situation How I got there my choice But I had to be there so a person makes a business decision,

Let's say and he loses a significant amount of money So what happens a person says?

Oh,

I'm such an idiot Why did I make that mistake and now i'm upset with myself and I feel guilty for having made that decision But if you separate the cause and the effect the effect of being in the situation of having lost that money That's actually something that I needed to experience Now,

Maybe I should learn from what got me there for next time so I make better choices But where I got to was actually where I needed to be so There can't be any guilt or even regret There can be a learning maybe I should make better decisions in this first in the cause But the effect of it which meaning where I find myself is actually where I always needed to be And when you really live life in that way and remind yourself of that But then this is for the good and for the bad,

Right?

So the other side of that coin is you made an amazing decision.

You made a lot of money.

Oh,

I'm amazing No,

Actually,

You know a lot of the creator gave you that gift of money happens to me He made a good choice So the cause and the effect are really separate but you actually had to make that money You happen to have in your mind have made a great business decision and that's why you made the money Another person got an inheritance.

He didn't make any choices.

So where you get to is ultimately always where you need to be What got you there can is not is not the reason right but you can learn and make maybe make better decisions next time so when you Really understand that where you wind up is always where you need it to be There can't be any guilt because guilt would mean that i'm in control of the whole process I'm in control of where I got to no,

You're actually not there's a much bigger Force at play and you need to wind up there So what's what's what can the guilt be about?

You know monica and I often talk about this in our home,

You know sort of again We learned to make better choices But what happened is exactly what needed to happen and it would have happened one way or the other So guilt in that thought process should and is taken out of the equation I would just add that blame And shame and guilt.

They're all relatives It's where growth ends.

That's it.

Once you feel those emotions,

There is no changing.

There's no transforming.

There's no evolution That's the end of it blame really is I did something wrong and now people will judge me or reject me It's the fear of that Shame is I did something wrong and now I am a bad person.

There's something wrong with me Both of those where does growth and evolution and transformation come from if that's how you think about yourself So even though you know all these things and you've heard all of these things i'm sure spiritually speaking why it's important Just know that as soon as you go to that emotion,

That's it game over Until the next time so it's just not worth it.

And for me,

That would be a reminder I used to feel all of those emotions so completely and heavily from a middle eastern family you know,

It's we're raised very much with that kind of Vocabulary and conversation and then I just couldn't take it anymore because it was it was making me really unwell so It's possible to overcome it.

But those That really is the end of growth.

Absolutely.

Thank you.

Thank you.

One more question One more question.

Yes.

Hi,

So I'm surprised that he called on you because you're not wearing a yankees hat I have a question,

Uh about the internal process of getting through the darkness uh because Oftentimes our head is disconnected from our heart And for me at least it's easier to sort of grit through my thinking process And say okay,

Well this is from the lights and yet my heart As you say if we have to if we have to love it that that's centered in the heart so can you speak about those two different functions and how they both interplay when it Comes to the darkness.

Yes,

So What I would say is,

You know often People come to me and say,

You know,

Why is this happening?

Right,

So we need to understand so we spoke really but a lot of what we spoke about tonight is really I would say soul you can say heart But it doesn't mean that we're going to come to understand.

Oh,

Sometimes we do right but often we won't I haven't There's many things in my life that were challenging that I understand in retrospect And there are many things that happened in my life that were challenging.

I have no I don't I don't understand and I also have no desire to understand because It's like when we think about you know people think about you know You talk about even the scientific understanding of where this world came from for any individual to think That I can come to understand everything right is silly,

Right?

Our mind just doesn't have that capability So when you realize that everything that happens in our life is part of a much more complex process 99 of which we can understand we try to understand the one person that we can But if I accept that there's much greater positive forces involved in my life Then the desire or even Ability to understand it is not even possible What is possible is to experience it as positive?

To understand it not necessarily but to experience it as positive So therefore when people come to me say,

You know,

Why is this happening?

My answer always is I can't necessarily explain to you why this is happening I can tell you one thing that ultimately it will be for your benefit and ultimately it's bringing you towards a blessing And I this is from experience and I promise you That the more you remind yourself of that the more you will learn to love the darkness but if your Process is how no I need to understand I need to I need to understand it will almost never happen.

It will almost never happen So you're saying the head heart connection is soul.

Well,

I think well,

I would say that in as it comes to Embracing the challenging times The head is much less important than the heart and the soul which means It's not about understanding why it's happening It's about experiencing it and knowing that it has a purpose And then that can bring you to embracing it and ultimately even loving it.

I often find whatever Feels stuck in my head if I stop and I let it filter down to my heart then I get the clarity That I need it's when it stays in the head or it's only in the heart you get into trouble It has to actually be connected completely and most people are either head or heart and it's really connecting the two Thank you So I want to thank everybody for joining us here tonight and to remind everybody To continue to send your questions comments and stories to monicaandmichaelatkabbala.

Com And we hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording it It's spiritually hungry You