Getting Rid Of Darth Vader, The Doormat, And The Drowned Rat

Have you ever struggled with paralyzing fear? Do you have an underlying feeling of not being good enough? If so, you are not alone AND there is hope. By making some small, but powerful changes in 3 different areas of your life, you can change the way you show up in the world. You can go from living in fear to living in freedom. You can go from hating yourself to loving and respecting yourself. You can go from feeling stuck to pursuing your wildest dreams. This is your time to go ALL IN!

Transcript

Today was the day.

I was ready.

I was going to face one of my biggest fears.

A fear that had been holding me back for over 20 years.

Suddenly,

I hear them call my name.

I get up nervously,

I walk to the front of the room,

And stand behind the podium,

And I look out at the 15 or so faces staring up at me expectantly.

You see,

I had joined Toastmasters so that I could walk through this fear of public speaking.

What I know now that I didn't know then is it's not a fear of public speaking at all.

It's a fear of being seen,

Of being judged,

A fear of not being good enough,

And a fear of failure all wrapped into one.

I take a deep breath,

And I start to deliver my speech.

About a minute in,

I notice this really weird tremor in my feet.

And that tremor starts moving into my legs and then into my entire body,

And goes from being a slight tremor to a full-on uncontrollable body-shaking event.

That's the best word that can describe it.

It was an event.

I could not stop shaking.

And I'm looking around the room for something or someone to save me,

And I notice an empty chair not very far from me.

Wow,

I think to myself,

If I could just get over to that chair,

I would stop shaking.

I would stop looking like a fool.

I would be safe.

But in that same split second,

I knew what that chair represented.

That chair represented my old life.

It represented my comfort zone,

Squashing all of my dreams.

It represented fear controlling me,

Instead of me controlling fear.

So in that instant,

I made a decision.

I decided that I was going to stand up there and shake and allow myself to be seen.

Allow my fear to be seen.

Allow my imperfections to be seen.

And what I remember most about that day is not the shaking.

What I remember most is the amazing amount of love and encouragement that I received from every single person in the audience.

Because before that day,

I knew that fear had been holding me back.

But that day,

I learned that love would set me free.

And it wasn't just the love that I received from the people in the room that day.

It was also the love that I gave to myself by standing up there and doing something hard.

By doing something that was breaking these lifelong patterns of behavior that had been holding me back.

The opposite of fear is love.

And I would argue that self-love is actually the most important.

Because how can we even conceive of loving someone else when we don't even know how to love ourselves?

I love the analogy of the oxygen mask in the airplane.

They always tell you when that oxygen mask comes down,

You put it on yourself first so that you can then effectively help everybody around you.

About 10 years have gone by since I stood up there shaking,

Facing my fears.

And ever since then,

I have committed to doing at least one really hard challenging thing every year.

Something that just pulls me right out of my comfort zone.

That stretches me.

That grows me as a person.

So since that day,

I've run a marathon.

I've joined speaking competitions.

I've published a book.

I've spoken my truth.

I've taken off the mask of perfectionism.

I've even competed in a bodybuilding competition.

And every time I do something really hard,

I prove to myself that I am more powerful than my fears.

And I develop more love and respect for myself.

My goal today is to let anyone who is listening to this know that you are not alone.

If you struggle with not feeling good enough,

If you feel paralyzed by fear right now,

You are in really good company.

And I also want to provide a couple tools,

Some resources,

Some things that have helped me over the last 10 years in my own personal transformation.

Because looking back now,

I realize that by making some simple but very powerful changes in three specific areas of my life,

I have been able to evolve.

I have been able to change.

Those three areas in our lives are how we talk to ourselves,

How we treat ourselves,

And how we view ourselves.

Let's start with how we talk to ourselves.

Now many of you probably have heard of Darth Vader,

Right?

That guy who represents the dark side of the force.

And Darth Vader is the name that I have given to my inner critic,

To that negative self-talk.

I know that Darth Vader is talking when I wake up in the morning,

Go into the bathroom,

Look in the mirror,

And say,

Janice,

You're hideous.

You're not aging very well.

That's Darth Vader.

Darth Vader is the voice that tells you that your idea is dumb,

That nobody's going to listen to you.

Darth Vader tells you you're unlovable,

You're not good enough,

You should just stay in bed.

That is the voice of Darth Vader.

At least that's the name I have given to my own critical voice.

And how do we change the way we talk to ourselves,

Especially when we were raised in a very negative or critical environment?

What I have learned to do is simply to replace that negative voice,

The voice of Darth Vader,

With a different voice.

I have decided to replace that voice with the voice of a cute,

Green,

Wrinkled,

Pointy-eared creature named Yoda.

Yoda is the voice of reason,

Of wisdom,

Of love,

And encouragement.

So every time I become aware,

Because that's the first step,

Is awareness that we're talking to ourselves that way.

Every time I become aware that Darth Vader is speaking,

I go,

Wait a minute,

That's Darth Vader.

And I make a conscious choice to replace that with the voice of Yoda.

And usually it's the exact opposite of what Darth Vader is saying.

So if Darth Vader says,

Janice,

You're hideous,

I go,

Wait a minute,

Janice,

You're beautiful.

It's a simple but not necessarily easy practice that takes repetition and consistency.

But the crazy thing is,

The longer we do it,

The more we actually start to believe the voice of Yoda.

And when we believe that voice,

That encouraging,

Wise,

Loving voice,

Then we show up in the world full of love and compassion and encouragement.

And our presence then becomes like a magnet to other people who want to feel love,

Who want to be love.

The second area in our lives that we can focus on is how we treat ourselves.

I was so honored last year to give a TEDx talk about my addiction to people pleasing.

Basically,

I would run around like a chicken with my head cut off,

Doing everything for everybody else,

And completely neglecting my own self-care,

My own personal development,

And my own personal growth.

I even did things that were against my own values,

My own moral code,

Just so that I could feel loved and accepted.

I did not treat myself very kindly.

I put myself on the back burner.

I didn't prioritize my physical,

Mental,

Or spiritual well-being.

So how do we change that?

What I did is I simply made it a priority,

Pretty much my top priority,

To focus on my personal growth,

My physical,

My mental,

And my spiritual development,

Growth,

And well-being.

So this looks like focusing on movement,

On getting enough water,

On breathing deeply.

It looks like prioritizing your mental health,

Replacing expectations with appreciation,

Focusing on gratitude,

Spending time in stillness and quiet,

Listening to your own inner guidance,

Learning how to be present,

Truly present,

Listening to others,

Tuning in to yourself.

Prioritizing your growth will have a ripple effect,

And it will positively impact every single person that you come in contact with.

And the third specific area in our lives that we can focus on is how we view ourselves.

I used to view myself like a drowned rat.

That's the best way I can describe it.

I would view myself hunched over,

Hair in my face,

Eyes downcast,

My hair,

Face,

Body covered in mud,

And along with that went the feelings of not being good enough,

Being ugly,

Being unlovable,

And hence I showed up in the world as a jealous,

Insecure,

And codependent woman because that is how I was viewing myself.

Several years ago,

I participated in a guided visualization where I was asked to visualize the highest version of me,

And as I closed my eyes,

I saw a woman,

Me,

On a cliff wearing a white flowing dress.

I was looking out over the ocean.

My heart was forward,

My shoulders were back,

And I felt confident.

I felt powerful.

I felt purposeful.

Now that vision of the highest version of me was so important to me that I hired a friend of mine to go with me to a cliff in California to take a picture of me wearing a white dress looking out over the ocean,

And then I had her paint it onto a canvas.

So now this picture of me hangs in my room so that every day I can look at it and remind myself who I truly am.

How do you view yourself?

When you close your eyes,

What do you see as the highest version of who you truly are?

Who are you underneath the fear,

The trauma,

The pain,

The heartache,

The walls that you have built to protect yourself?

Who is the real,

Authentic,

True you?

Because our life is about evolution.

It's about transformation.

It is your time to go all in in your life.

It is your time to replace those negative,

Self-critical thoughts with positive,

Uplifting,

Empowering thoughts.

It is your time to prioritize your physical,

Mental,

And spiritual growth and well-being.

It is your time to envision the best,

Highest version of who you are and then take small baby steps toward the highest version of you.

There is no better time than right now in this moment to make a choice to go all in.