Mindfully listening,
Mindfulness and parashat Matot.
The beginning of the weekly Torah portion,
Matot,
Opens with Moses' instructions to the tribes about vows and oaths,
How they should be honored,
And what the rules are if they need to be annulled.
When a man makes a vow or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge,
He must not break his word and must do everything he said.
What does this have to do with the preparation of entering the Land of Israel after a 40-year journey in the wilderness?
Rabbi Jonathan Sacks explains that as the children of Israel are getting ready to enter the Promised Land,
They are preparing to build a society,
A just and orderly society with Torah laws as the basis.
Besides law and order,
For a society to function,
People need to trust each other,
As well as the leaders and those who enforce the laws.
One key way to foster trust is by keeping your word,
Keeping your promises.
Words are important.
Rabbi Sacks notes that if the world was created with words,
And God said,
Let there be,
And there was,
Then God could do that.
God through words can create entire worlds.
For people to create reality with words,
Someone has to hear those words.
If I want to delegate a task at work or home,
Someone needs to hear what I'm saying to make it happen.
For people,
Words are impactful when someone hears them,
When there's a listener.
Listening is key in human relations.
Through mindfulness practice,
We can work on skills such as listening,
Hearing,
Accepting,
And paying attention to the conditions there are in this very moment.
Mindfulness practice allows us to first and foremost listen to ourselves,
And not just our ideas,
But also our feelings,
Our impulses,
Our sensations,
And our bodies.
When we can listen to ourselves,
We can better listen to others.
If people feel heard,
Then they're more likely to trust.
Mindful listening is a way of listening without judgment,
Criticism,
Or interruption,
While being aware of internal thoughts and reactions that may get in the way of people communicating with you effectively.
If your mind and attention are not engaged,
You might miss things that the speaker is saying.
That's the difference between hearing what is said versus listening to what is said.
Hearing is the physical ability to hear sound,
But listening is actively processing what you're receiving and responding appropriately.
Here are some tips for mindful listening.
Keep things in mind during your conversation.
Eliminate distractions during the conversation,
Such as cell phones,
Noises,
And anything else that will hinder your ability to focus on the person and make them feel valued.
Focus on what is true for the speaker in this moment.
Suspend judgment and listen openly.
Listen to the words and the underlying perceptions,
Beliefs,
And assumptions that the speaker is saying.
Notice attentive body language through soft eye contact,
Leaning forward slightly,
Open body stance.
Nonverbal encouragers,
Such as head nods,
Concerned facial expressions.
Express empathy when appropriate.
Paraphrase what the speaker has said when they're done.
Focus your attention on the speaker's experiences or ideas,
Noticing any self-referencing of your experiences that might arise and then letting those go.
Notice how you're listening to someone and whether you're already formulating your response while the other person is speaking rather than processing what is being said.
A successful outcome can depend on a couple things.
How you are and what you say.
How you are,
Meaning supportive,
Curious,
Or problem solving,
Will greatly influence what you say.
Don't assume others can see things from your point of view.
Ask yourself if you have personal trigger points with the person you're listening to,
Such as an earlier argument or sensitivity in your relationship with them.
Any of these factors can impact how you listen and will require an extra layer of reflectivity to keep the space open for good listening.
Listening skills include paying attention,
Acknowledging the speaker,
And checking for understanding.
Try practicing being aware of your body language while you're in a conversation.
While you're listening,
Do you nod a lot?
Do you allow your gaze to wander?
Or do you stare at the speaker too much?
Become aware of your body language and what it communicates to others.
This could help you become not only a more effective communicator,
But also a more effective listener.
Listening is not passive.
Let's try this mindful listening exercise.
It's done with another person.
Remember the tips for mindful listening that were just mentioned.
Start by setting a timer for three minutes.
Person one speaks for three minutes,
While person two listens.
You can share something on your mind or something that happened to you recently.
It could be anything.
You don't have to fill the entire three minutes.
You've run out of things to say.
Just stop speaking and sit in silence.
Your turn is over when three minutes are up.
So person one starts with,
So I want to share with you.
.
.
And they start talking.
And this can be anything.
Positive,
Negative,
Or neutral.
Person two practices mindful listening,
Which means listening without responding.
Noticing when thoughts or response comes up in the mind.
When number one finishes,
Number two says,
Thank you for sharing.
And nothing more.
And then switch roles,
With person two now as the mindful speaker,
And person one as the mindful listener.
And reset the timer for three minutes.
When you listen mindfully,
You're fully present in the moment.
Which means you can absorb the speaker's whole message,
And you can feel heard and respected.
By being present,
Cultivating empathy,
And listening to your own cues,
You can learn to let go of reactions and other distractions that block your understanding.
So that you can be open to the ideas of someone else.
Just as taking and fulfilling vows and the parshah was a way of building up trust needed for a healthy society,
So too can mindful listening help build stronger and healthier relationships.
And that can have a ripple effect with far-reaching societal impact.
I hope you'll try this practice.
Thank you for listening,
And tune in next week.
