Dear Grief Guide, I Feel Like I Must Make My Loved One Proud

After his adoptive father's death, a grieving son struggled with drugs and alcohol. Now that he's sober, he wonders if his father would be ashamed or proud. I read his anonymous letter and then offered him practical tools and compassionate wisdom for growing through grief.

Dear Grief Guide is a weekly advice podcast where I answer anonymous letters from people feeling lost, stuck, or overwhelmed in the midst of grief.

Music © Adi Goldstein, Used with Permission

Trigger Warning: This practice may include references to death, dying, and the departed.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Dear Grief Guide,

A podcast where each week I answer one anonymous letter from a listener feeling lost,

Stuck,

Heartbroken,

Or overwhelmed in the midst of grief.

My name is Shelby Forsythia.

I'm a grief coach and author,

And I'm here to help you create a life you love from the life loss forced you to live.

Let's get to today's letter.

Dear Grief Guide,

It feels like my whole body is grieving.

Normally,

I get sick as often as any other person,

But since my grandmother passed away suddenly three months ago,

It's been relentless.

It started with acute fatigue and aches right after her funeral,

But then came a wave of viruses,

Sinus infections,

And general illnesses.

It's nothing too serious,

Thankfully,

But it's become a constant nuisance.

I never expected grief to hit me this way,

Physically.

I'm a run-down,

Snotty version of my former self.

I find myself buying loads of Kleenex at the grocery store not because of crying,

But because of being sick so often.

I find myself wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar.

Has grief impacted your health this way?

It's like my physical body is reflecting the pain and loss I feel emotionally.

My grandmother was such a spiritual person and would sometimes talk about feeling heart-sick when she was sad,

Upset,

Or grieving.

Is that what this is?

Thank you in advance for any insights.

I'm deeply grateful for you.

Signed,

Ailing Soul Hi there,

Ailing Soul,

And thank you so much for writing to me about this topic specifically.

Yes,

You're not crazy,

You're not alone.

So many people get sick on some level after devastating loss,

And the reason why is because grief is a stressor.

It is something that weakens our immune system because being under stress for long periods of time or being under intense stress for short periods of time causes our bodies to react in protective ways.

And a lot of times that means our immune systems,

The things that normally protect us against viruses and sinus infections and general aches and pains,

Even healing cuts and bruises,

Those things are diminished when we're grieving because we are in a state of stress.

Now,

Of course,

I'm not a doctor and can't speak to exactly what processes are happening in the body that are affected by grief.

I don't have necessarily the terminology for it,

But there are so many grieving people that I work with and I have stories of my own that become sick after loss because it is just an exhausting experience to be grieving.

I liken it very much to having to travel a lot and getting sick after having to do a lot of cumulative travel.

Also going through any other sort of stressful event,

A breakup,

A job loss,

A major geographic move.

Sometimes people get sick after major events like that.

People also can get sick after major joyful events where lots of stress is involved.

For instance,

Getting sick after a wedding or getting sick perhaps after a graduation or after some sort of other major life milestone.

It's normal,

Especially if there's a lot of stress or a lot of planning involved,

Like a really big work deadline,

To get sick after that because we have demanded,

Whether consciously or unconsciously,

That our bodies work and be present with us because they have no other choice through the most stressful experiences of our lives.

By consequence,

For lack of better phrasing,

We pay the piper by getting sick,

By being down for the count for a little while.

I'm not surprised that this has been your experience since the death of your grandmother.

I got sick for sure after my mother's death in 2013.

I suddenly,

Without any other explanation,

Became allergic to a lot of foods that I had eaten for my entire life.

I developed six new food allergies that I suddenly had to cope with.

I would break out in hives or rashes or just generally be intolerant to them.

I would feel pain in my body after eating,

Which is hard,

And I drew a lot of metaphors between trying to nourish myself and actually that causing pain in my grief because my most nourishing figure,

My mother,

Had died.

So there's a lot of spiritual parallels that I drew for that.

That's my own meaning that I've made in that.

And then after my best friend's death in 2022 from COVID,

I woke up in the morning after her death,

Brushed my hair,

And a huge clump of it fell out,

Which is an autoimmune response to stress,

Is losing hair.

And I eventually got diagnosed with a thyroid disorder,

Which also results in hair loss and can be brought about by stress.

That's one cause of this thyroid disorder.

And so in each of these instances,

The death of my mother and the death of my best friend,

I got sick.

Now,

I'm not saying for people who are listening who did not get sick,

I'm not saying that getting sick is a default occurrence.

After devastating loss,

I'm just saying it's common.

Many people find that they are in such a state of high stress or adrenaline,

The presence of adrenaline,

That they accomplish and do a lot of things after a loss.

They're like,

I'm not sick,

I'm invincible.

They go the other way.

They accomplish a lot or do a lot or climb ladders or make a lot of grand plans after a loss because they're still riding that high.

And then for other people,

There is sort of this,

My person has died,

Something has ended,

And there's like a crash.

And getting sick oftentimes is part of that fallout.

What I can suggest for you,

Ailing soul,

Is to tend to your grief by tending to yourself,

Especially your physical body.

I don't often suggest this in life after loss,

But if people are issuing you invitations to do things,

To go places,

To come to a party where there's lots of people there,

You might consider declining.

You might say no to invitations that are any sort of additional tax on your energy because that is energy you do not have to spend right now.

I know so many of us are living in what society would consider a post-COVID world,

But masks are still really helpful for preventing the spread of illnesses,

Preventing you from sending something to somebody else,

And preventing you from receiving an illness from somebody else.

So if you are able to mask up,

Especially if you use things like public transit,

Or go to a crowded grocery store,

Concert,

If you work in a place that's very crowded or deals with the general public,

Or especially children,

I would recommend masking up if you can.

And then my last tip,

Make soup.

This might seem really silly,

But there are so many foods that are nourishing for grief,

And if you like soup or broth or anything else that contains a lot of nutrients in an easy vehicle for consumption,

Make soup or buy soup.

Store-bought soup is fine as well.

Make it as easy as you possibly can for you to nourish yourself,

To restore the physical body that is telling you very much,

I have been weakened by this,

I need you to take care of me.

There is a tremendous book by an author named Janet Richelsbach called Extra Helping,

And she is a chef and a recipe designer who has created a book of recipes for major life transitions,

Including grief.

And so you might pick up a copy of her book and make some of her griefy recipes.

I have tried a few of them myself.

After I had a major stressful medical event in 2021,

One of my very dear friends,

Actually the best friend who died,

Flew out to Washington State where I was living at the time and made several of Janet Richelsbach's recipes for me to eat as I healed,

And having my refrigerator full of these meals was immensely helpful.

And that's something I'll tack on to this too.

It's been three months,

But if you still have people in your circle who are asking things like let me know if there's anything I can do,

Or I want to support you,

I just don't know how,

Or how are you doing,

Or what can I do for you,

If people around you are still asking those questions,

Ask them to cook nourishing things for you.

I know in the aftermath of loss,

So many people bring over cakes and cookies and casseroles and things like that,

And if that sounds good to you,

Eat them.

But also,

If you have somebody in your life who you know would make an incredible pot of soup that you can freeze,

Or something like a multi-layer lasagna that's full of veggies and broths and things that feel good for your body to eat,

Or somebody who's really good at making tea,

Like something hot that you can drink to clear out your sinuses or whatever else is happening with you,

Ask for that.

Ask for that.

Put out an all-call on social media,

Send a group text to the group text,

Send something out that says I've been getting sick a lot and I would love help getting well,

And see who responds to that,

Because just as your healing can be done in community,

People inviting you out of the house,

Going to parties,

Learning things about yourself as a grieving person in the world,

You can also request that community be brought to you,

That you be helped in the care and the privacy of your own home as you heal your body from this devastating loss.

Lastly,

I want to talk about this term heart-sick,

Because I have not heard this a lot,

And I don't know a lot about it,

So I think whatever definition of heart-sick you go by,

And that your grandmother went by,

Use that one.

I will say that feeling heart-sick or feeling troubled in the heart,

Feeling conflicted about personal events or world events,

This can translate to physically being sick sometimes.

I'm thinking of,

And this is all anecdotal,

Again,

I'm not a medical professional,

I do not have statistics on this,

But I imagine for people who are concerned about things that are happening in their lives,

That are happening in the larger world,

For people who worry a lot,

For people who are afraid or sad,

Or in really hard places and wondering what it all means,

What is grief,

What are we here for,

Why all this pain,

Why all this mourning,

I would not be surprised if heart-sickness would translate into full-body sickness.

Or even like minor aches and pains,

Minor aches and pains.

So if this feels like what your grandmother would describe as heart-sick,

I would say sure,

Ascribe that definition to what you're going through right now.

There is a heart-sickness that comes from grief,

And sometimes that translates to being physically ill.

Yes.

Sure.

And especially if that makes you feel closer to your grandmother,

Double down on that definition.

Whatever she did to heal herself,

When she was feeling heart-sick,

Those things might feel healing for you too,

Whether it is making and consuming nourishing foods,

Gardening,

Getting out in the sunshine,

Getting a lot more sleep than usual,

Only consuming things that feel comforting and nourishing,

Kind of turning off the noise and the stress and the anxiety and the fear of the world.

If these are things that she did to address heart-sickness,

Maybe she prayed more,

Maybe she read spiritual books more,

I'm not sure what she did,

But you might even find yourself feeling closer to her and her heart-sickness by finding mirrored ways to heal your own.

Ailing soul,

I wish you so much rest,

So much nourishment,

So much healing,

So much connection with your grandmother as you navigate this sickness,

And to trust that this is not where you and your body will live forever.

That I know for sure.

I am sending you so many healing thoughts and vibes in tandem with everyone who's listening to the show this week.