Connection Styles ~ Part 1 ~Serenity Wellness Podcast ~ E67

Our subconscious can take the driver's seat in establishing and cultivating our relationships from a place of pain. We can find ourselves in repeat cycles of connection and never slow down enough to be with the common thread in those connections, ourselves. When we bypass the process of heart healing, it can harvest more pain instead of the desired connections we deserve. 

Transcript

Hi there,

Welcome to Serenity Bonus Podcast,

Episode 67,

Connection Styles,

Part 1,

Personal Pivots.

The way we move into connections and relationships might be bright on the horizon of awareness,

Or it might lie somewhere along the depths of the ocean floor,

Under rocks,

In a deep cave,

And the areas that are more on the ocean floor under our awareness are the ones that will often lead into subconscious driver of how we connect with others.

If we have aspects in our heart that are unhealed or we haven't worked through understanding,

We might have the pain or the confusion around whatever those areas are,

Even sometimes it will impact how we are viewing ourselves in terms of self-worth,

Self-value.

We might be aware of those things even on the surface,

But at times there's still this deeper pain,

This deeper sense of loss of self that we haven't looked at,

That we haven't given ourselves the opportunity to be with ourselves,

To work on the healing aspects,

And that is what creates this subconscious magnetic pull of,

Think of it like a beacon,

What we put out in our vibration of connection and what we end up bringing in.

When this subconscious is the driver of our connection,

It can lead to different types of ways we show up and how we move through connections and relationships and also how things end up playing out in terms of our repeat cycles if we give ourselves that space and time to work through the healing.

If we don't do that,

Many times people will dip dodge away from the healing aspect and they'll recycle and regurgitate,

Not have that pause to work through things,

And then they end up repeating cycles or they will end up just moving from one relationship to the next,

So they're showing up as the same person.

I'm going to share some examples of ways that we might notice that we change or shift within our connections,

Some ways that it will actually play out in the relationship dynamics,

And then I'm going to share some connection styles with you.

There's more than what I'm going to share with you.

I came up with names and terms the best that I could to highlight the patterns that are often very present in these connection styles.

We may have heard about attachment styles and that is something for sure to be aware of,

But you can think about this in terms of what creates the attachment.

How do we get into the attachment style?

What's the action movement?

What's the connection movement that then we latch on and we attach in whatever our attachment style is?

I'm not going to be covering attachment styles here.

Maybe I'll try to put it down the line somewhere.

I have a long list of things up ahead.

Action style,

Think about it in terms of what is creating that action movement,

And the ones I'm going to share with you are common ones that I have seen in my work in mental health over 20,

I don't know,

I stopped counting,

25 years or something like that.

So hopefully the names will make sense,

And if you have questions,

Certainly pop them below and I'll do my best to explain them some more.

With how we might notice we are showing up in connections,

In this subconscious kind of driver of connection style,

We might have some of these things I'm going to mention.

We might have all of them.

They might be at different degrees,

If you would,

Of how connected we are to them or how much we shift and change,

But one aspect is how we will move away from our own knowing.

We have an inner knowing.

If you have been popping back into my podcast since I took a break,

I took a pretty extended break there due to some things I had to do,

But the past,

Where are we at,

67,

So the past three episodes,

So 64 through 66,

If you've been listening and have listened to those,

Then this inner knowing might sound familiar to you of how we move away from things we might know from our own history or the history of others or what we have collected along the way.

You do not have to listen to those episodes to get what I'm going to talk about today,

But you can certainly pop over and check them out as well,

But we will ignore our inner knowing.

We'll even maybe have a conversation with ourselves.

We're all talking to ourselves anyway through the day,

But this conversation might even be like,

You're connecting in this relationship,

And you know that it is also not in alignment with what you're desiring or you're feeling more anxious than you are connected or you're noticing yourself feel more depleted instead of built up.

There's a lot of different things that we could go here,

But the knowing.

We'll know something even,

And then we'll talk ourselves out of what we know and move ourselves right back into the connection,

Maybe one that we keep repeating,

Which I'll explain as we move through this,

But knowing.

So we'll ignore our own knowing.

It could be a cognitive knowing.

It could be that felt sense knowing that I've talked about in many episodes,

So that inner knowing and how we will block the inner knowing of what our body remembers,

And you can check out cellular imprinting specifically about that one.

So we'll have the knowing cognitively or in our body,

And then we convince ourselves otherwise.

So we don't even support ourselves of what we know to be true,

Which is going to then further make us not trust ourselves and second guess ourselves.

But in the meantime,

What we end up doing is we create these connections and these relationships that will feed further those wounds of the soul or those wounds around the heart.

And so we might get into a connection that might.

.

.

Trying to think of an example here.

So if we have wounds around our heart where maybe we have a history of relationship connections that were not about reciprocity,

Maybe we moved into a lot of people pleasing behavior and forgot to take care of ourselves.

And then we maybe are away from that relationship or connection,

And then we move right back into the next one.

And along the way,

We keep just ignoring self,

Ignoring self.

Well that's going to then further make us doubt ourselves,

But it's also further hurting those inner wounds.

So it's like telling our subconscious that,

See,

You really are unworthy.

You really are undeserving.

No one's ever going to want you unless you overdo,

Unless you make sure that you do everything that they want and forget about yourself.

So we will feed the very wounds,

The very pain,

And then reinforce it by the connections that we continue to move into.

Another area here of kind of being on the lookout of awareness in terms of how you're showing up and how you move into a relationship or connection is when we will throw away ourselves.

So we will throw away our own interests,

Our own passions,

Sometimes even own beliefs and values or connections.

People will get into a relationship or connection and suddenly they forget about their friends.

They don't have any space or time to continue to cultivate those relationships that are just as important.

So we throw away things,

Passion,

Interest.

Time and time again,

People share examples of this where they've really loved something for so many years and then they get in a connection and they haven't done it for so many years.

Maybe they like kayaking and their partner doesn't like the outdoors.

Maybe they enjoy dancing and their partner doesn't like to move with music.

Maybe they enjoy sports and their partner does not.

That's great.

We're not supposed to be identical duplicates of our partner.

Differences and independence within those differences are what cultivate healthy connection.

When we're throwing away aspects of ourselves and we're molding to duplicate,

This is where we get into resentment.

We get into a lot of where we're carrying those things around in our backpack or we break apart in communication and sometimes people will even blame the other person.

So we'll throw away parts of ourselves and then instead of self-accountability,

What made me do that?

What made me forget about me?

They'll blame the partner.

Well they don't like that so I gave it up and now I haven't done it in 10 years and that's not right and that's not fair is the word that's thrown out there,

Whatever that means for you,

But we are the person in this example that are throwing ourselves away.

So it's on us to look at that.

It's not about blaming anybody else.

We have free will.

And again this can even go into beliefs,

Values.

People will try to force or mold their partner into the same morals,

Values,

And beliefs instead of looking up front as the relationship is building.

Are we in alignment here?

If we're not,

That's okay.

Can we blend in a way that's going to make sense for both of us?

If not,

That's okay.

Let's move it into a friendship or let's move away from connecting.

Whatever feels right for you personally,

But instead we'll try to over mold.

We'll try to mold the person into what we're wanting instead of accepting that we're all where we're at and who are you showing up as and who are they showing up as in this connection.

Another area here can even be in terms of,

As I mentioned,

Friends and family.

Oh well,

They don't like my friend and it could be someone's best friend for like 10,

15 years.

Well,

They don't get along so throwing away ourselves.

Trying to mold the other person.

People will try to tell someone they're working on a connection with or in a relationship with even things like religious beliefs or what food to eat.

Who are we to be the boss of someone else?

We're all different and that is going to create resentment,

But also it's creating a falsehood and confused dynamic of the relationship,

Which I'll talk about in just a moment when I get to the next section here.

Another thing,

Lastly,

To consider of how you show up in terms of when you're connecting is the loss of independence,

Kind of how I said about the throwing away.

Do you lose sight of independence?

A connection and partnership is a beautiful thing to experience in life,

But do you forget that you are also your own individual person and suddenly you can't figure out a separation from you and from them and that is what will lead to a lot of these different connection styles I'm going to explain to you.

How we will lose sight and it can play out in a lot of different ways as you'll hear,

But we'll lose sight of our independent nature.

We are a person,

They are a person.

We can get along and be in the same car and sometimes we're in different cars on the same highway and maybe sometimes we're on different coasts in different cars and it doesn't mean there has to be judgment or molding or forcing or an illusion of control.

You can hear how those things don't really sound like healthy,

Right?

Control that isn't usually something that we hear when we think of healthy connection.

These areas here and how they may play out in relationship dynamics before I explain some of what those connection styles are.

When we are one or both parties in this subconscious driving and that is how we're connecting and again,

This is often based off of unresolved pain and heart.

It's how we're showing up in a place of pain,

Vibration out,

The magnetic pull and what we pull in.

It's like we'll be that moth drawn towards the light and the light is the same energy of pain that we're in and we're thinking that we're going to come together and blossom something different instead of creating the healing first and then walking along a path together versus towards a light of blindness.

In the relationship dynamics of how this may play out,

I mentioned about emotion dynamics it can bring in.

We can create areas of resentment,

Despair,

Hopeless helplessness.

It can create the people pleasing behavior,

Seeking behavior,

But it will also allow us at times to move into accepting things that are not acceptable for us.

No judgment.

We're all where we're at,

Right?

We're not trying to mold or create somebody to be something that's their place and opportunity free will to do any molding that they want to do.

Maybe they don't want to mold.

Maybe they're just perfectly great and fine and happy where they're at.

It's not our job to do that and instead of creating something different for ourselves if it's not in alignment,

We will just allow ourselves to accept something that's not acceptable,

That's not in alignment with our values,

Our morals,

What we're looking for in connection.

That's where that ignoring the knowing,

Ignoring our own knowing can come in where,

Well,

I know,

But maybe I'm just being too sensitive,

Maybe I'm just being too that,

So we'll doubt ourselves and our own inner guidance or guidance and logic,

Intuitive guidance,

Whichever direction you're going there.

These areas in the relationship dynamics will also feed the anxious body system.

As you'll hear when I talk about the different types of connection,

They all have an underpinning of a lack of genuine authenticity in the connection.

One or both parties there,

They're going to be experiencing more of anxious body system response cycles because if there's not authenticity,

Then there's often not trust and if there's not trust,

Then there's often a bit of anxiety.

Anxiety can start to be the baseline of where we're at.

You can check out episode two,

Anxious Body System,

If you want to understand a little bit about how the auto system can work there when we're feeling anxious and how it might even play out in relationship connection.

Another area in the relationship dynamics is related to the mind.

When we're subconscious driving and we're connecting in that way,

We can then have a lot of scattered mindset that comes in indecisiveness,

So we second guess ourselves a good bit and it can also lead to emotion confusion and even in this scattered emotion confusion and uncertainty of the mind,

We might also lead ourselves into continuing to be in sometimes even unsafe environments and that can be multifaceted in and of itself for sure.

There could be,

How do I get out of an unsafe situation,

But we can continue to play out things that we know are detrimental to our health,

To our mental,

Emotional,

Physical,

Spiritual well-being.

I will link some helplines below if you need help getting out of any of those situations.

Know that there is a lot of support,

Nationwide support to help you.

You don't have to do it alone,

But we can get into these connections and even land there where we're even mentally,

Emotionally,

Physically,

Spiritually,

Just this discombobulation of confusion,

Scatteredness,

And loss of sense of self.

The relationship dynamic this can also create is a sense of confused relationship dynamic.

This is kind of a little hard sometimes for people to completely gather,

At least the second part of this.

The first aspect of confused relationship dynamic comes in with like boss,

Bossing around,

Agenda,

Trying to control,

Mold,

Etc.

The other aspect of this relationship dynamic confusion is kind of like the boss role that comes in.

We're not the boss of anybody.

And in that,

You can hear how this confused aspect then,

Are we a parent or are we a partner?

Are you a parent or are you a partner?

Because this confused dynamic comes in sometimes in connection where it's like,

There's the respect dynamic of sharing ideas.

I'm going to go pop over here,

So maybe sharing plans,

Respect dynamics,

But we kind of tip over the line there into are you a parent or a partner when we're asking for permission to do things.

Sometimes people will talk to me about needing to get an allowance from their partner.

And even if both people are making money and there's no high expenditure,

So maybe like if someone has a shopping addiction or gambling addiction and the finances are going down the drain and about to lose the house,

Not paying the mortgage,

Maybe things like that have to kind of come in as a shared plan to budget and protect finance and money.

But it's not related to that.

People just be like,

Well,

My partner gives me an allowance.

Is that parent or partner or the dynamic of trust in relationship and oh,

Is it okay for me to check their social media?

Is it okay for me to look at their phone?

I just want to see this,

That or the other.

I want to get on there to see if I'm missing something or what are these hidden apps that you could send messages and disappear?

I want to look,

I want to get on the phone bill and see who they're talking to.

I mean,

Do you want to be the private investigator in your connection or do you want to be in a connection that you can trust?

Because if you're wanting to go down that avenue,

Then maybe ask yourself some of the things I just talked about.

Are you ignoring your own knowing?

Are you accepting things that aren't acceptable?

Are you looking at all these things that are showing you that maybe this isn't a connection of trust and instead of addressing it,

You're wanting to have a side job as a private investigator?

So what if you find stuff?

What does that do?

Does it give you the okay to move away from the relationship?

Because let yourself look at the relationship itself if that's the case.

You don't have to be an investigator.

Just pay attention to yourself and have conversation around it.

Becoming an investigator is not going to lead to healthy,

Healthy things.

Connection with self,

Connection with another,

Self-esteem,

Self-worth,

Et cetera.

After I recorded this podcast,

I decided to split it up into two.

I think it's a lot of information and allowing yourself a little bit of time to see what parts of what I shared there you recognize maybe in self.

Please be sure to hit the subscribe and notify button below.

That will keep you informed of when I post part two.

It will also help me to continue to elevate awareness of this channel so that we can be a ripple of wellness.

So thank you in advance for taking a moment to do that for me.

Here are a few questions that might be helpful to have some contemplation around between part one and part two.

Pick out the ones that you feel resonate for you,

Or you certainly don't have to look at any of them.

What areas around your heart do you notice that you might be ignoring,

That might be asking for a little offering of healing for you to spend some time there?

What discomfort do you find around that that leads you to more of a desire to ignore it?

What would it look like or feel like if you were to start working on healing that area,

Spending some time there?

Do you notice if there are aspects within your connections and relationships where you tend to ignore your own knowing?

What do you notice that you ignore?

Is it thought patterns that are trying to guide you a different direction towards your knowing or maybe that felt sense,

The body's knowing that tries to signal or communicate with you in a more silent voice or silent feeling within,

Either direction or any other way of communication,

Just the aspect of you ignoring your own knowing?

Have you noticed a pattern in your connections and relationships where you're accepting things that aren't acceptable for you?

Not about judging the other person,

Saying they're right or wrong,

Your right or wrong,

Simply recognizing and noticing your values,

Your beliefs,

Your desires,

And are you talking yourself into accepting things that don't align there?

If you find this is a yes,

Maybe look around the corners and try to discover what that's about.

Is it a need for more support and understanding around emotion,

Perhaps more clarity of how to be in your body with emotion,

Or maybe gathering more of a support team for yourself or even getting into therapy to assist yourself in whatever pattern you might notice really pulls you this direction.

In your relationships and connections,

Have you noticed that you tend to throw away aspects of yourself?

What are the reasons that you talk yourself into doing such a thing?

Where did you place them?

Where did these things,

These parts of yourself that you threw away,

Where did they go?

Lastly,

What would your desired connections in life look like,

Feel like,

Be like in your life?

What do you believe holds you back from creating just those very connections?

You might spend some silent contemplation around those questions.

You can journal about them or do nothing with them,

Whatever feels right for you.

Perhaps if anything,

Allowing yourself to gain awareness around what I covered today and these questions of contemplation.

The biggest tool you're going to gather,

Fear,

Is going to be around awareness.

It goes for pretty much anything I talk about,

Even when I'm offering specific wellness tools.

The information that leads up to the tools turns up the volume,

Tunes us into the frequency of our own awareness,

And awareness is the pivot of change.

Thanks so much for sharing space with me,

And I look forward to getting the next part of this to you real soon.

Reviews

I’m just thinking how much better my life could have been if I’d gotten this info 50 years ago. I’m 69 now snd started my journey at 64. Can you imagine the impact on lives if these things were taught in high school !! Never to late to make a better life for ourself and those we love! Thank you Nicole. You are a beautiful soul!
Blessings. Beverly 💜

Great! A lot of thinking to do! Thank you!