The Power Of Space In Conflict

Welcome everybody.

My name is Sasha Nova.

My name is Jonathan McCall.

And we are embodiment and intimacy mentors.

Yes.

That have been together in sacred partnership now for over six years and married for over three years and through a whole lot of shifts and changes and everything we're sharing here is basically what's allowed us to stay healthy and strong connected through all of it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so here we are discussing the power of space and conflict and what does it mean?

How does it look like?

Why is that important?

And one way to look at space is we like to use this term spaciousness.

It's one of our core values,

Personal values,

But also a value for a relationship.

What is spaciousness?

It can literally be just taking a deep breath and just take a moment to take a little sacred pause just to come back to yourself so you can respond from a centered place instead of reacting from the mind.

Another way to look at spaciousness is when you are approaching your relationship,

Your life,

Your projects,

Conflicts,

Or issues that need to be resolved from this attitude of there is enough time.

There's enough time to resolve this.

We don't need to rush to the solution.

So sometimes it can be very helpful to actually put the conflict almost like on the pause and just say,

Hey,

Let's take a breather and give yourself time to just,

Again,

Breathe,

Take a pause,

Regulate your body,

Your nervous system so that you're not stuck in conflict.

Of course,

This is easier said than done,

Right?

When you're in the heat of the moment,

There's a natural tendency to want to fight,

To defend your perspective or whatever else.

But ultimately,

That conflict is just going to create more tension,

And it doesn't really allow for a true connection.

So it's something we got to practice.

It's a little bit of a different topic.

I've actually taught myself years ago how to not rush.

Every time I found myself rushing,

I would actually remind myself to actually basically tell myself to go twice as slow.

So I would actually retrain myself to whenever I found myself rushing or wanted to go quicker,

I would actually go twice as slow.

This is a way I kind of reprogram myself to not rush.

Obviously,

If I'm going to be late,

Well,

I guess I should give myself more time.

So I guess I share that perspective because literally,

I remember how much work that took to reprogram myself to do that.

It would be the same way when it comes to conflict.

When there's that tendency,

You guys want to go for it or you want to eject and shut down.

Or you want to prove a point or maybe even come to a resolution.

Sometimes,

The resolution is actually not clear.

Sometimes you need to say,

Hey,

Let's just put this on pause.

Let's come back to it later when we feel more regulated,

When we feel more clear.

And that may look like,

Yeah,

You're just putting the topic kind of on pause.

On the shelf for a moment.

And you go,

You do self-care,

You do life,

And then later you can revisit it.

You may receive different perspectives that you just are not able to see in the moment.

Most certainly will,

Because you'll likely be re-entering the situation from a calmed state of being,

Where you remind your body that you're safe,

You're to relax and remain open and not be guarded and tense when going into it.

And that comes with this trust that the relationship that you're engaging in is a safe relationship and that the person on the opposite end is not going to leave.

There has got to be commitment to the connection within the relationship.

Otherwise,

Yeah,

It may not feel safe to have conflict in general,

Because there may be that fear that there's going to be abandonment or rejection or whatever it is.

It is important for both people to actually be committed to the connection,

The mutual connection within the relationship.

And if that trust and commitment is there,

Then you can be like,

Hey,

Whatever,

Let's just take a breather.

Let's just take a pause.

We'll come back to it and we'll resolve it.

And also,

You're not ejecting,

You're saying,

Hey,

I recognize that we are feeling emotional,

Maybe frustrated,

Maybe annoyed,

And this is not productive.

So I would love to take 10,

15,

30 minutes or maybe half a day for myself.

Let's revisit it a bit later.

And remember,

By you communicating that,

That is not you ejecting from the situation.

Ejecting from your situation would be like,

Enough and just walk away,

Right?

You're actually communicating,

You're basically acknowledging that,

Hey,

My nervous system is on fire right now.

I'm having a difficult time remaining centered in this conflict.

And I would love to take a sacred pause to just ground myself to center so we can come back and create,

Restore,

Resolve this.

And it can be very helpful to say,

Hey,

I love you.

We are safe.

Let's just take a breather.

So you affirm to them,

To the person you're in conflict with,

Hey,

We're safe.

I still love you.

I'm committing to this relationship.

Let's take a breather.

So that reinforces that,

Hey,

Again,

You're not ejecting.

You're simply taking space that the other person likely needs.

And it's kind of like reprogramming our patterns of fighting and attacking and blaming and being in this kind of like an addictive cycle of drama that most people literally are addicted to.

And they don't know how not to be in it.

So reprogramming that is actually,

It may jolt the other person and be like,

What do you mean?

But then you get to agree that,

Hey,

We will not tolerate fighting anymore,

Right?

You could be the first person that says,

Sorry,

I am not willing to fight.

This is not productive.

So let's just take a breather.

Let's regulate ourselves.

And now we come back and we actually have the maturity,

The capacity,

The stability to make this conversation productive.

And another way you can disarm your partner,

The person you're in conflict with,

Is just take a moment to reveal where you're at,

Like really just take them deep breath,

Let them see you,

Like place your hands on yourself and just take a deep breath and just be like,

Listen,

I feel a lot of frustration or anger or I feel scared or I feel sad.

You know,

Reveal what you're feeling the moment because that's going to make them go,

OK.

And then it may get them to check in with themselves.

It disarms them.

Especially when you're vulnerable,

You're truly vulnerable and say,

You know,

I feel frustrated and scared right now.

Can we take a breather?

Right.

Like,

Again,

We also are not often taught to be vulnerable.

This idea of vulnerability with empowerment that Jonathan often talks about is not yet super common in our culture.

It definitely is becoming more so in conscious circles and authentic relating circles.

But still,

For most people,

It's not a typical way to approach their relationships.

And what we are inviting you is to explore these different ways of relating because it's much more fulfilling and much more productive.

Yeah,

I understand.

If you actually have like a ritual round connection,

Like essentially an consistent intentional practice where you check in and really share what's what's alive for you,

Then you likely won't find yourselves in these situations where the attention is so strong that you guys both want to eject from the situation.

And I want to speak a little to the whole like,

You know,

We offer this idea of like if you really need to,

You know,

Like reveal what's happening and then take a little pause,

Like even if you have to essentially walk away for a moment,

But ultimately,

We also want to train our nervous systems to be able to hold the tension,

You know,

And really to stay connected.

Because there's a lot of magic that happened in that space.

It's just that we're saying that if it's really too much,

You guys,

You feel like you're just,

You can't really,

You're just not able to find true resolve.

And then sometimes the best thing to do is just to be like,

Listen,

Maybe we need to just separate for a moment and come back in like an hour or maybe the next day,

Like depends on the situation.

But ultimately,

Ideally,

You guys,

You know,

You hold the tension you and you really choose to find resolve,

You know,

In the moment.

But this happens through a ritual,

Just a very simple check in practice that we've been doing for the last five years consistently every week.

This is why we're so solid.

This is why our relationship is so resilient,

Because there is nothing that goes unsaid.

And we learn how to say the hard thing,

Say the truth,

Speak our needs and desires while the other listens,

And you know,

Vice versa.

And once again,

This is something that we now teach couples.

Yes.

And ultimately,

Everything we're sharing here,

Guys,

Everything that we're talking about today,

It's really just a matter of increasing our nervous system's capacity for intimacy.

Because what we found is it's not,

It's not generally a lack of love and relationship that keeps people feeling disconnected.

It's just really a lack of capacity,

You know,

And there's a lot about that,

Like why we're so limited capacity.

And we provide really,

You know,

Powerful tools to really start to,

You know,

Strengthen your nervous system's ability to really hold the tension in these and use conflict as a portal for deeper connection.

And,

You know,

We really do want to inspire you that every time you go through a conflict together,

Gosh,

Like the level of intimacy just deepens and deepens and deepens,

And the level of pleasure just deepens and deepens and deepens,

Right?

Because we're also sacred sexuality guides,

We're really here to bring purity,

Innocence back into sex,

Because it's been so perverted,

And so just completely,

You know,

Used against our nature,

Like people have forgotten what it's like to actually connect.

Yeah,

The sacredness,

You know,

And we really here reframe sex as a sacred energy exchange.

And,

You know,

With this perspective,

Like every interaction becomes a sacred energy exchange,

Where we're truly aware how we are giving and receiving energy.

And,

You know,

Sometimes we just have these days,

Especially the more sensitive that we become,

The more that we feel emotion,

And the more that we allow these emotional processes to run through us.

There can be days when we're just agitated,

We are uncomfortable,

Nothing is helping,

All your tools are not working,

You're just agitated.

And in those days,

It can be a tendency for humans to want to blame their partner.

It's like a pattern of mine.

I know this well.

I guess I'm getting blame thrower.

I'm getting much more aware.

I've been like,

Oh,

I'm totally want to blame Jonathan just because like,

I'm feeling bad,

And like has nothing to do with him.

You know,

So like,

Because we've been together for so long.

In those moments when you can recognize,

Oh,

I'm just having a day.

Maybe I can just take time for myself again,

Taking that sacred pause,

Let my partner know,

Hey,

I'm having a day.

I am grumpy.

I feel agitated.

And yeah,

If we engage,

There might be,

You know,

Some fire that goes towards you,

Because there's just fire going everywhere around me right now.

And if we can do that,

And we can let a partner know,

Then it can be much easier for them to be like,

Okay,

Thank you for letting me know where you're at and taking responsibility for your own state.

And actually asking for what it is that you need in this moment,

Which is a practice his own in its own right.

But ultimately,

What Sasha just shared,

You guys see how that can actually lead to deeper intimacy,

Right?

Because you're choosing to reveal what is happening within you,

Right?

And it's most people are guarded,

They don't,

They don't know how to express what they're feeling or for whatever,

You know,

Like,

It's a practice,

Guys.

And then your partner doesn't need to guess,

They can be like,

Oh,

Yeah,

She's just grumpy,

You know,

Or he's just having a bad day.

It's okay,

Just give them space.

Give me space.

You know,

Like in the beginning of our relationship,

There used to be this pattern where when Jonathan would be going through his own process,

I would get a little bit like uncomfortable and anxious.

And sometimes like when I would want to like fix it.

And a teacher of mine,

Sasha Cobra,

Would say like,

Hey,

Just like,

Let him have his moment.

Why do you need to fix him?

Why do you need to resolve it?

Just like,

He's,

He's allowed to feel grumpy.

You know,

It's like,

My gosh,

He's right.

Like,

Right.

Like,

It's actually such a gift to allow our partner to just move through whatever they're moving through without needing to fix or to change them.

And that goes both ways.

Sometimes,

You know,

Like,

A lot of times for men,

When a woman expresses something,

And she just wants to be validated,

The man's tendency is to want to fix it.

In fact,

With that said,

That's another way to disarm your partner in these moments of conflict is actually to validate their experience,

You know,

Like,

Just fully acknowledging where they're at,

You know,

Like,

I acknowledge your anger,

Your frustration,

I acknowledge your sadness,

Right?

You know,

I imagine,

You know,

Like,

Just really choosing to just acknowledge where they're at in the moment,

Like,

And that alone can really make people kind of like,

Oh,

Because it's not the typical fight,

You know,

It's just like,

Oh,

They're not fixed or fixing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So a lot of the times,

Like,

Yeah,

All we want is just like,

Oh,

Yes,

Like,

You see what I'm going through.

So you're seeing what I'm feeling it.

Again,

Like a lot of the times where we're feeling,

You know,

Passes in a few hours,

And that's it.

Their energies in motion,

Right?

They're like,

Emotions,

They want to move in it,

We give them the space to move instead of repressing them,

Then they go and you know,

And we don't,

We're not stuck with that tension that just eventually builds up in armor,

Which creates more disconnection.

Right.

So it's beautiful.

It's super powerful,

Guys.

It's so simple,

Yet so profound.

And also for those of you who are maybe new to me,

I have amazing meditations on my profile.

And my most popular one is called grounded restore.

And it's for women specifically,

But can be used by men as well,

To learn how to relax and how to be in their body so that they can really feel that softness of their feminine energy and just deep connection with self.

So check it out.

And another way that you can support us is by sharing our profile with your friends and family.

This is a big service that we're doing for free here on inside timer.

So yeah,

We ask that you support us by either doing a donation or sharing our profile with those people in your life that you know can benefit from this energy,

This space,

This information.

Yeah.

And I also have meditations.

I only have a few right now,

But I do look forward to providing more.

For the most part,

I work with men,

But women have been listening to my meditations as well,

And they've been receiving benefits.

And I would look forward to creating more embodiment practices,

So guided embodiment practices,

Focusing on specific areas and helping to de-armor them.

So my next one will be about spinal health and how to keep a healthy spine by using the breath and gentle movements in that.

Okay.

Now we're just going to close the space.

So just coming back into your own body,

Feeling the support of the ground holding you,

Asking that we be placed in the most optimal energetic sphere for integration of the information and the energies that were received and exchanged here today.

Let's take one inhale together and one exhale.

The space is now closed.

We give thanks to life,

To our guides,

To ourselves,

And to all of you for showing up.

Thank you,

Thank you,

Thank you.

And we shall see you next time.

Much love.

Ciao.

Take care.