The Power Of Space In Conflict

Welcome everybody.

My name is Sasha Nova.

My name is Jonathan McCall.

And we are embodiment and intimacy mentors.

Yes.

I've been together in sacred partnership now for over six years and married for over three years.

And through a whole lot of shifts and changes and everything we're sharing here is basically what's allowed us to stay healthy and strong and connected through all of it.

Yeah,

And so here we are discussing the power of space in conflict.

And what does it mean?

How does it look like?

Why is that important?

And one way to look at space is um we like to use this term spaciousness it's one of our core values personal values but also a value for our relationship What is spaciousness?

It can literally be just taking a deep breath and just take a moment to take a little sacred pause just to come back to yourself so you can respond from that centered place instead of reacting from the mind.

Another way to look at spaciousness is when you are approaching your relationship,

Your life,

Your projects,

Conflicts or issues that need to be resolved from this.

Attitude of there is enough time There's enough time to resolve this.

We don't need to rush to the solution.

So sometimes it can be very helpful to actually put the conflict almost like on the pause.

And just say hey let's take a breather and give yourself time to just Again,

Breathe.

Take a pause,

Regulate your body,

Your nervous system so that you're not,

You know,

You're not stuck in conflict.

Now,

Of course,

This is easier said than done,

Right?

When you're in the heat of the moment,

There's a natural tendency to want to fight,

Right?

Defend your your perspective or whatever else and and but ultimately that conflict is just going to create more tension right and it really doesn't it doesn't really allow for a true connection so it's uh it's something we got to practice and you know this might be it's a little bit of a different topic i mean like tangent but uh i've actually taught myself for years ago like how to not rush not to um you know like every time i found myself rushing you know like i would actually like tell myself to go twice as slow so i would actually retrain myself to like whenever i found myself rushing or wanted to go quicker i would actually go twice as slow and this is a way to i kind of reprogram myself to not rush like if obviously if i had if i'm going to be late well i guess i should give myself more time so i guess i share that perspective because it literally i remember how much work that took to like reprogram myself to do that and it would be the same way when it comes to like conflict you know when there's that tendency you just want to there's want to like go for it or you want to eject and and shut down like or like you want to prove a point or maybe even come to a resolution and sometimes the resolution is actually not clear sometimes you need to say hey like let's just put this on pause let's come back to it later when when we feel more regulated when we feel more clear and that may look like yeah you're just putting the topic kind of on pause on the shelf for a moment And,

You know,

You go,

You do self-care,

You do life,

And then later you can revisit it and you may receive different perspectives that you just are not able to see in the moment.

Most certainly will because you'll likely be re-entering the situation from a calm state of being right where you like remind your body that you're safe you're to relax and and remain open and not be guarded and and you know like tense when going into it right it's yeah and that comes with this trust that the relationship that you're engaging in is a safe relationship and that the person you know on the opposite end is not gonna leave.

Like,

There's got to be commitment to the connection within the relationship.

You know,

Otherwise,

Yeah,

It may not feel safe to have conflict in general because.

.

.

You know,

There may be that fear that there's going to be abandonment or rejection or whatever it is.

So it is important for both people to actually be committed.

To the connection,

The mutual connection within the relationship.

And if that trust and commitment is there,

Then you can be like,

Hey,

Like,

Whatever,

Let's just take a breather.

Let's just take that pause.

We'll come back to it and we'll resolve it.

And also,

You know,

You're not dejecting,

You're saying,

Hey,

I recognize that we are,

You know,

Feeling emotional,

Maybe frustrated,

Maybe annoyed.

And this is not productive so i would love to take 10,

15,

30 minutes or maybe half a day for myself.

Let's revisit it a bit later.

And remember,

By you communicating that,

That is not you ejecting from the situation.

Ejecting from your situation to be like,

Enough and just walk away,

Right?

You're actually communicating.

You're basically giving yourself like acknowledging that,

Hey,

My nervous system is like on fire right now.

I'm having a difficult time being centered in this conflict.

And I would love to take a sacred pause to just,

Ground myself to center so we can come back and and you know create restore like resolve this and it can be very helpful to say hey i love you we are safe let's just take a breather so you you affirm to them to the person you're in conflict with hey we're safe i still love you You know,

I'm committing to this relationship.

Let's take a breather.

Right.

So that reinforces that,

Hey,

You're again,

You're not ejecting.

You're simply taking space that the other person likely needs.

And it's kind of like reprogramming our patterns of fighting,

You know,

And attacking and blaming and being in this kind of like an addictive cycle of drama that most people like literally are addicted to and they don't know how not to be in it.

Other person be like what do you mean but then you get to agree that hey we will not tolerate fighting anymore right you could be the first person that says sorry i am not willing to fight this is not productive So let's just take a breather.

Let's regulate ourselves.

And now we come back and we actually have the maturity,

The capacity,

The stability to make this conversation productive.

Another way you can disarm your partner,

The person you're in conflict with,

Is just take a moment to reveal where you're at.

Really just take a deep breath.

Let them see you.

Place your hands on yourself and just take a deep breath and just be like,

Listen,

I feel a lot of frustration or anger or I feel scared or I feel sad.

Reveal what you're feeling in the moment because that's going to make them go,

Okay,

And then get them to check in with themselves.

It'll disarm them,

Especially when you're vulnerable.

You're truly vulnerable.

One second.

I feel frustrated and scared right now.

Can we take a breather?

Again,

We also are not often taught to be vulnerable.

This idea of vulnerability with empowerment that Jonathan often talks about is not yet super common in our culture.

It definitely is becoming more so.

Conscious circles and authentic relating circles but still in for most people it's not a typical way to approach their relationships and what we are inviting you is is to explore these different ways of relating because it's much more fulfilling and much more productive yeah understand if you actually have a like a ritual around connection like essentially an intentional consistent intentional practice where you check in and really share what's what's alive for you,

Then you likely won't find yourselves in these situations where the tension is so strong that you guys both want to eject from the situation.

And I want to speak a little to the whole like,

You know,

We offered this idea of like,

If you really need to,

You know,

Like reveal what was happening and then take a little pause,

Like even if you have to essentially walk away for a moment,

You know.

But ultimately,

We also want to train our nervous systems to be able to hold the tension,

You know,

And really to stay connected because there's a lot of magic,

Happen in that space it's just that we're saying that if it's really too much you guys you feel like you're just you can't really you're just not able to true find true uh resolve and then sometimes the best thing to do is just to be like listen maybe we need to just separate for a moment and come back in like an hour or maybe the next day like depends on the situation but ultimately ideally you guys you know you hold the tension you and you really choose to to find resolve you know in the moment but this happens through a ritual just a very simple check-in practice that we've been doing for the last five years consistently every week this is why we're so solid this is why our relationship is so resilient because there is nothing that goes unsaid and we learn how to say the hard thing say the truth speak our needs and desires while the other listens and vice versa.

And once again,

This is something that we now teach couples.

And ultimately,

Everything we're sharing here,

Guys,

Everything that we're talking about today,

It's really just a matter of increasing our nervous system's capacity for intimacy.

Because what we found is it's not generally a lack of love and relationship that keeps people feeling disconnected.

It's just really a lack of capacity.

And there's a lot,

About that like why why we're so limited capacity and we provide really you know powerful tools to really start to you know strengthen your nervous system's ability to really hold the tension in these and use conflict as a portal for deeper connection.

And we really do want to inspire you that every time you go through a conflict together,

Gosh like the level of intimacy just deepens and deepens and deepens and the level of pleasure just deepens and deepens and deepens right because we're also sacred sexuality guides we're really here to bring purity innocence back into sex because it's been so perverted and so just completely,

You know,

Used against our nature.

Like people have forgotten what it's like to actually connect.

Yeah,

The sacredness,

You know,

And we really here reframe sex as a sacred energy exchange.

And,

You know,

With this perspective,

Like every interaction becomes a sacred energy exchange where we're truly aware how we are giving and receiving energy.

And,

You know,

Sometimes we just have these days especially the more sensitive that we become the more that we feel emotion and the more that we allow these emotional processes to run through us there can be days when we're just agitated We are uncomfortable.

Nothing is helping.

All your tools are not working.

You're just agitated.

And in those days,

It can be a tendency for humans to want to blame their partner.

It's like a pattern of mine.

I know this well.

I'm getting better.

Blamethrower.

I'm getting much more aware.

I'd be like,

Oh,

I'm totally want to blame Jonathan just because like I'm feeling bad and like has nothing to do with him.

You know,

So like because we've been together for so long in those moments when you can recognize,

Oh,

I'm just having a day.

Maybe.

.

.

I can just take time for myself again taking that sacred pause.

Let my partner know,

Hey,

I'm having a s*** day.

I am grumpy.

I feel agitated.

And yeah,

If we engage,

There might be,

You know,

Some fire that goes towards you because.

.

.

There's just fire going everywhere around me right now.

And if we can do that and we can let a partner know,

Then it can be much easier for them to be like,

Okay,

Thank you for letting me know where you're at and taking responsibility for your own state and actually asking for what it is that you need in this moment.

Which is a practice in its own right,

But ultimately what Sasha just shared,

Do you guys see how that can actually lead to deeper intimacy,

Right?

Because you're choosing to reveal what is happening within you right and it's most people are guarded they don't they don't know how to express their what they're feeling or for whatever you know like it's a practice guys so and then your partner doesn't need to guess they can be like oh yeah she's just grumpy you know or he's just having a bad day it's okay just give them space give me space you know like in the beginning of our relationship there used to be this pattern where when jonathan would be going through his own process um i would get a little bit like uncomfortable and anxious and sometimes like when i would want to like fix it and um a teacher of mine sasha cobra would say like hey just like let him have his moment why do you need to fix him why do you need to resolve it just like he's he's allowed to feel grumpy And I was like,

My gosh,

She's right.

It's actually such a gift to allow our partner to just move through whatever they're moving through without needing to fix or to change them.

And that goes both ways.

Sometimes,

You know,

Like a lot of times for men,

When a woman expresses something and she just wants to be validated.

The man's tendency is to want to fix it.

In fact,

With that said,

That's another way to disarm your partner in these moments of conflict is actually to validate their experience.

You know,

Like just fully acknowledging their.

.

.

Where they're at,

You know,

Like,

I acknowledge your,

Your anger,

Your frustration,

I acknowledge your sadness,

Right?

You know,

I imagine,

You know,

Like,

Just really choosing to just acknowledge where they're at in the moment,

Like,

And that alone can really make people kind of like,

Oh,

Because it's not the typical fight,

You know,

It's just like,

Oh,

They're not or fixed or fixing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So a lot of the times,

Like,

Yeah,

All we want is just like,

Oh,

Yes,

Like,

You see what I'm going through,

You're seeing what I'm feeling.

And again,

Like a lot of the times what we're feeling,

You you know,

Passes in a few hours and that's it.

There are energies in motion,

Right?

Emotions.

They want to move and if we give them the space to move instead of repressing them,

Then they go.

And,

You know,

We're not stuck with that tension that just eventually builds up in armor,

Which creates more disconnection,

Right?

It's beautiful.

It's super powerful,

Guys.

It's so simple yet so profound.

And also for those of you who are maybe new to me,

I have amazing meditations on my profile.

And my most popular one is called Ground and Restore.

And it's for women specifically,

But can be used by men as well,

To learn how to relax and how to be in their body so that they can really feel that softness of their feminine energy.

Just deep connection with self.

So check it out.

Another way that you can support us is by sharing our profile with your friends and family.

This is a big service that we're doing for free.

Here on Inside Timer so yeah we ask that you support us by Either doing a donation or sharing a profile with those people in your life that you know can benefit from this energy,

This space,

This information.

Yeah.

And I also have meditations.

I only have a few right now,

But I do look forward to providing more.

For the most part,

I work with men,

But women have been listening to my meditations as well and they've been receiving benefits.

And I would look forward to creating more embodiment practices,

So guided like embodiment practices,

Focusing on specific areas and helping to de-armor them.

So my next one will be about spinal health and how to keep a healthy spine by using the breath and gentle movements in that.

Okay,

Then we're just gonna close the space.

So just coming back into your own body.

Feeling the support of the ground holding you.

Asking that we be placed in the most optimal energetic sphere.

For integration of the information and the energies that were received and exchanged here today.

Let's take one.

Inhale together.

And one exhale.

So the space is now closed.

We give thanks to life,

To all our guides,

To ourselves,

And to all of you for showing up.

Thank you,

Thank you,

Thank you.

And we shall see you next time.

Much love.

Ciao.

Take care.