Breaking Through Abuse, Trauma, Self-Rejection To One Of Self-Love

In this talk, I share a bit about my spiritual journey of breaking through a destructive state of sexual identity, abuse, trauma and rejection into one of self-acceptance and wholeness. And what does true detachment actually mean?

Transcript

Hi everyone,

Thank you for tuning in.

My name is Johnson Chaum.

I'm the author of Sage Sapien from Karma to Dharma,

And I'm also a spiritual guide.

Today in this video I want to share a story about my personal journey and how I broke through denial,

Repression,

And self-torture as a gay Chinese American male born to refugee parents.

My childhood was very physically difficult when it came to discipline for sure,

And so I grew up with this underlying fear of telling the truth openly because I was afraid of being rejected.

The only way to make sense of my childhood was that the universe operated under this unrelenting Machiavellian principle,

And the only way to survive was to be mindful of how to eat and not be eaten.

So I built up all these walls that kept people at a distance because I secretly hated myself.

I hated myself and I blamed my culture for creating unresolved trauma in my family.

My saving grace was that I stumbled on yoga at 19.

I started a diligent yoga practice by 20,

And yoga eventually became my gateway drug into meditation.

There were instances in class where I would go into a sort of daydream during Shavasana,

The relaxation bit at the end of class,

And I would start to cry.

It was most unexpected.

I wasn't thinking about sad thoughts,

But my body was going through an intense kinesthetic release.

My body wanted to let go so badly of these old wound stories,

And so my limbs would tremor while this overwhelming grief came over me.

In retrospect,

I recognized that I never gave myself the permission to grieve the loss of my innocence.

And it would keep happening to the point that I would be very wary at the end of a yoga class and I would just leave early just to avoid an emotional meltdown.

I was open to explore a way out of these intense emotional outbursts,

And that's when I discovered meditation.

I was immediately hooked.

I was fascinated by the concept of detachment and the concept that I was not my body and I was not my mind,

And that I was connected to a bigger picture.

For those brief moments in meditation class,

I was no longer my cultural baggage or my repressed homosexual self.

I was just like everyone else in class.

I was part of a consciousness that didn't have labels.

I didn't have to identify anymore with identity,

Which was the bane of my entire existence up until that point in life.

So when we can collect ourselves and focus on our breath through meditation,

We actually experience a spike in self-awareness.

And awareness is the key ingredient that avalanches into changing unhealthy behaviors and optimizing our mental and emotional health.

As I learned to separate from my stories of rejection and fear and the layers and layers of conditioned patterns of destructive behavior unraveled,

I inevitably was brought face to face with a very surprising truth.

Somehow,

The program of denial was not quite uprooted from my system.

My childhood pattern of running and hiding from my core issues crept its way into my meditations.

I caught myself using meditation as a coping mechanism to escape feeling myself fully.

I was not yet able to embrace my pain.

As a spiritual teacher,

Ron Rathbun says,

True detachment isn't a separation from life,

But the absolute freedom within your mind to explore living.

That was hard to get.

It was really hard.

I spent my days taking various spiritually-minded courses,

And I was still struggling with this emotional whirlwind of,

I'm mad,

I'm really sad,

Why do I feel so much pain,

Life is unfair.

I would still experience massive bouts of emotion pouring out for me,

And I thought to myself,

How much more do I need to feel until I get it?

My most cathartic moment was during a ritual I had to perform given to me by a spiritual teacher in India.

I was instructed to pray to the river,

To communicate with the elements,

And to connect deeply into the source of existence to discover my own answers.

The doubtful part of myself thought it was silly.

So after a few moments of negotiating between my doubt and my willingness to change,

I finally gave in.

I thought to myself,

I did not fly halfway across the world for half-assed answers,

So just get on with it already.

And so I did.

My meditation practice had always been focused on distancing myself from the intensity of my undesirable emotions,

The parts of myself that I had put in the basement.

I had never really had a direct communication with God or source or existence,

Tete-a-tete,

And I had an inkling that this is what the assignment was actually about.

So I found a solid patch of sand,

And I sat neck deep in the cold Himalayan ice water.

It took a few minutes to get over the initial shock of how cold the water was,

And through deep yogic breathing and some mantra chanting,

I centered my mind on the task at hand.

I started to get very clear visuals and an intuitive felt sense of what I was seeing.

Eyes closed,

I felt like I was soaring through the universe,

Riding on comets and stars.

I zoomed out,

I zoomed way,

Way out,

And I got a glimpse of the big picture.

I understood in that moment that I was not meant to run or hide from the pain that I was trying to conceal.

I needed to embrace the pain,

All of it.

I stepped into the shoes of my father and into the shoes of my mother and experienced head on all the pain from the violence,

From the persecution that they faced during their time growing up in communist China.

And it was as if this intelligence of my body dethroned the authority of my mind and sent me into the biggest emotional release of my life.

And I yelled with all of my might into the sky,

All of my rage,

All of my grief,

All of my hopelessness and desperation that I have ever felt in my life.

There was no censorship and at this point I didn't care who was looking who was around me.

There was only pure raw feelings as I punched and I kicked the water.

The process of fully exploding was so liberating.

I had never given myself permission to do that.

And in that massive moment of letting it all out after 15 or 20 minutes of exhaustingly wrestling the frosty water,

This deep silence overtook me.

And I understood not only on a mental level,

But on a visceral level that underneath all the pain,

I was pure consciousness,

Just like this river that was flowing.

I was pure energy.

I was pure flow.

And as I was connected to what the yogis call the Atman or the pure soul essence,

I felt the cords of attachment to who I thought I was loosen their hold on me.

I was not a gay person,

A Chinese American,

A son,

A brother,

A lover,

A yoga teacher,

A meditation teacher,

A victim.

I wasn't any of those things.

It was this blissful shedding of every label that was ever externally or internally imposed.

My mind was the quietest it had ever been.

And my heart felt so open to the possibilities of choice.

I felt this overwhelming sense of power creep back into my body like I was reminded that I,

I was the author of my life.

And I knew that from that moment on,

However I chose to express my truth,

So long as it was responsible and earnest and honest,

It was not my job to care about what anyone else thought.

And I tell this story not because it is unique,

But because we all have a hurt part of self that needs to be healed.

I tell this story because I know my deep yearning for the truth is felt not only by myself,

And it is my deepest wish and my life's mission to help the collective consciousness of this planet upgrade our core values of hiding and running.

And I want to help transform that to one of trust and truth and transparency,

Even if it means that we have to accept someone else's non-acceptance of us.

I mean,

Where is the fun in living our lives half in the shadows because we were too afraid to get a little dirty?

And so I leave you with that to reflect on if there's any part of you that needs to be revealed,

To be healed.

So thank you so much for listening.

I really appreciate you.

Thank you again.

Reviews

I relate to you when you say you didn't want to tell anyone you were gay because of rejection. I didn't want to tell my mom about myself either because of rejection I grew up JW so I was afraid to be myself alot since my was very into the religion I just felt like i would disappoint her. You taught me a big lessson thank you.

This was my first to hear from Johnson. I was molested by my father from 8-15. I’m working through much and trying to figure out my path for healing. Thank you for being part of it.

Very helpful 🙏🦋

thank you so so much from another queer Asian American. New to meditation and wanting to let go of labels and experience what you experienced. thanks for sharing

This really inspired me. Thank you!

Superb story and representation of how to admit and accept WHAT we are.

Beautiful, thank you!

Thank you for sharing… Your talk is very appreciated. My family and I are processing pain and this feels supportive and as if we have hope to move beyond that pain and suffering. Thank you.

These are the reminders needed to help us heal our sick selves.

This was a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing it with the world and thank you for sharing it with me. I love the idea of dropping all labels of myself 🙏🙏🙏

Samadhi! Thanks for sharing your personal journey. Whatever it maybe for each of us, we all have wounds to heal in this lifetime. Keep sharing your inspirations!

Thank you for sharing your story 🙏😊

Beautifully shared. I see your heart-soul shining out through your smile, shining through you eyes. Thank you and Namaste! 🙏💜

So beautiful and true thanks for being brave to speak up and release
for us all - a big relief if the world could stop hiding from the truth, in love namaste 🙏

Very interesting story and encouragement thank you Namaste 🙏🏻

Beautifully articulated, thank you for sharing this.

Truly candid and raw and beautiful said. Brave. Thank you

Thank you Johnson for sharing your story! So beautiful and inspiring for those experiencing pain in their lives. Coming from experience I too couldn’t agree more with the power of meditation and yoga! I hope you continue to share your light and love to the world! 🌎 🙏