Awakening Toldot 5783: Torah Mussar Mindfulness, 6th Sitting

Our weekly series of learning from our ancestors in our ancient holy text of the Torah/Hebrew Bible from the practice and lens of Mussar Mindfulness. Rabbi Chaya leads a talk and guided mindfulness meditation practice. All are welcome. Hebrew translated.

Transcript

Welcome to Awakening Torah,

Musar,

Mindfulness.

I'm Rabbi Hasya Uri El-Shteynbauer,

The founder and director of the Institute for Holiness,

Kehilat Musar.

Delighted to have you here on Zoom or live streaming on our YouTube channel or on Facebook or any other medium in which we are.

Welcome.

We are engaging in our sixth Torah portion and we're moving into what's called Tol Doth.

And we had studied it in the Jewish communities and chanted from it yesterday,

Which was Kaf Vav,

The 26th of Keshvan.

The date was November 26.

And obviously today on Sunday,

We're doing a review of that November 27,

2022,

Unto Kaf Zayin of Keshvan,

The Hebrew month.

Actually,

We're in Kislev now,

So I'm thinking.

Actually,

I was thinking that when we started learning this,

We started learning the week before in our own time on November 20th forward.

And so we moved into this happened,

The Torah reading happened actually at the Bet,

The second day of Bet of Kislev.

And today is Gimel,

The third day.

So I welcome all of you as we usually do.

We begin our practice with our kavana,

Our intention for the practice as we usually do.

And so we're going to move into that together right now as I share screen with those of you who have vision and are here on video.

For those of you who will be on podcasts and audio or do not have vision,

I will read it out loud and you'll be able to hear our kavana as usual for this practice.

So we say that this is doing an act of caring for the self right now.

You're taking the time to engage in your Musa mindfulness practice to really strengthen yourself.

We say I'm doing this to strengthen my own soul in order to be a benefit to others in the future.

And being my benefit to others in the future,

You're benefiting God.

That's how we see it.

You serve others,

You care for others.

It's what the Divine wants from us,

Correct?

So then we say I'm also doing acts for others,

Right?

This practice is other oriented.

And so we say this is something I'm doing to strengthen my relationship to others so I can be a better conduit of God's good to others when they need me.

Really shifting our orientation in life is what we see as avoda,

Service to others,

Service of others and of God.

So before doing acts to strengthen our relationship with the Divine,

Which is what we also see this awakening practice together where we cover the weekly Torah portion from the lens of Musa mindfulness.

We say this is something I'm doing to strengthen my relationship with the Creator so I can be a better conduit of God's good to others when they need me.

And so we may we merit this today.

Here in our sixth sitting,

May we really merit caring for ourselves,

Strengthening ourselves in our practice so that we can care for others.

And so may it be so as you join me and exploring this this week.

So as I usually do,

I give a brief summary.

Hopefully you've had an opportunity to read through this Torah portion of Tol Doth.

If you haven't,

This summary I think will help ground us but then I'm going to focus on something in particular.

So,

In this portion is you can recall where we had left off before we have the this new it while they were newly married 20 years ago of yet sock and Rivka Rivka who chooses like Abraham to leave a far off land where her family lives,

Very courageous and brave and leaves with Abraham servants to go and enter marriage with yet suck.

And Rivka after all this time actually 20 years of waiting to become pregnant doesn't resort to finding a concubine like Sarah did as Sarai at the time,

And handing it over to the husband right to reproduce with now.

And she doesn't do that and he also doesn't seek it or wanted they are the only relationship of our ancestors where they don't add on a servant or a slave to reproduce with the husband when the wife can't.

Okay,

So she after 20 years she finally becomes pregnant with twins.

And apparently they are really struggling inside.

Okay,

The actual verb used is even stronger than struggling.

It has to do with a bumping up against to that so the real sense of the conflict that changes you essentially a,

Not just an annoyance.

Okay.

And so God,

She inquires to that right she actually says,

What am I What is this?

If I'm going to,

What's my purpose,

Why am I here if this is what's going to happen,

And we're assuming that she feels her life might be a little bit in danger either she or the children.

And so,

God actually answers her that it's because there are two nations within her as if two nations can't live together in harmony but the assumption is that these two nations cannot,

They're really bumping into each other perhaps even transforming each other.

So,

The first born that comes out of this twins is a South right in English I think it's pronounced a cell,

I never pronounced English I apologize,

A staff.

He comes out a reddish and hairy,

We don't really know what the reddish is if it's his hair or his face and body comes out and a yucca is the second born,

And he is holding on to a sauce heel,

As he is coming out that is the whole Laura mythology around it and then this is the part where you should anticipate conflicts going to happen ready yet sock the father of those twins loves one of the twins.

He loves a soft and it's actually given a reason,

Because of the game,

The hunt that he captures and feeds him.

And you've already been wondering like what kind of father is that that loves a son simply because of what he brings to eat and then doesn't love the other son so obviously,

Like all human beings we're seeing weaknesses and strengths and our ancestors here.

She also is noted as someone who loves one of the twins and it's not the one who goes and gets game.

It's your code.

And no reason is given at all,

But just so she loves and this is the first time you're seeing parents.

The Torah is teaching us and telling us that parents love their children okay but that didn't exist that language didn't exist with Abraham you never heard that he loved yet sock,

Or that he loved the ish male.

You don't even hear that he loves Sarah Sarah,

Or Hagar.

But you do hear that yet sock loves Rivka,

Okay when they first come together and enter marriage together.

And now you hear them loving children separately.

Okay,

That's the story.

So years later,

Yahkoh when he's 17.

Basically,

Through what I would call duress and manipulation.

He doesn't technically by the birthright it what he does is he kind of manipulates it,

His brother a solve into selling the birthright essentially a soft comes in from a huge hunt over several days,

And he's starving and thirsty.

And he,

He says he said what uses the birthright to me I'm basically going to die,

Please,

You know,

Feed me give me that stew give me that red stuff is what he says.

And so he,

He essentially sells his birthright What is the birthright for those of you don't know,

Ancient Near Eastern.

And what this means to have a birthright it's basically special privileges and responsibilities belonging only to the firstborn male.

Okay.

And so he lets that go yet sock then ends up their father ends up blind and when he's older,

And he tells a sub his favorite his one that he loves because of the food he provides him that he's going to give him a braja a blessing.

He will go out and give him get a hunt and he feed him and then he will give his blessing Rivka,

Who we all know from the previous tour portion who she's a go getter right,

She's the one that is at the well and ends up providing 250 gallons of water to animals into Abraham servant Eliezer last week okay so picture this woman right young woman,

Lots of energy knows what she wants and she does it.

She overhears yet suck it basically is saying that he's going to do this with a sob and she tells.

She basically wants your cove her son,

The one that she loves to receive this blessing.

Okay,

So she ends up kind of ordering her son,

Three times by telling him to obey her voice to listen to her.

She tells him to put on a sauce clothing she actually dresses him in put goatskin on his arms,

She's the one that puts it on there.

And so that he'll feel and look like and smell like his brother,

A soft okay.

And he goes in to him,

Essentially,

Through deception and steal this braja this blessing,

And his father,

Who is blind can't see that it's not him.

He has his suspicions that the voice is actually your cove.

But when he touches him and feels him,

He can feel the Harry,

The hair and the hair he can smell the outdoors he could smell go he smells a stuff.

The son that he loves and prefers right.

And so he gives him this blessing.

He leaves a sub returns from the hunt and says,

Abba Father I'm here to receive my blessing giving my blessing and then that's where the father chokes in such a shock that he has been deceived and treated this way.

And he's essentially,

There's such an honor back in the old ancient Near East that when you give a blessing,

It's it's like you can't undo it.

It was something we don't really understand today or have that kind of same honor and glory and covered for what a blessing that a parent may give to the child and what it means and its significance.

But back then,

When parents is particularly the patriarch the father gives you a blessing.

It's like,

It's almost like prophecy also like what your future is going to look like.

And it's very,

It has very strong significance so he says I can't undo it,

But I'll give you another blessing essentially right so this is what happens.

But you need to understand that a sub is so upset.

He's also 17.

He's so upset at being treated this way and losing and just not having that intimacy with his father and not receiving the blessing.

He's like shaking and crying and sobbing.

And it's the first time where we witness,

In my opinion,

More of him as a person than just someone who goes out and hunts and gets in obviously he honors his father he gets what his father wants.

He takes care of him,

But you're seeing here someone who really had attachment to a certain desire to be treated a certain way by his father to receive a certain blessing,

And his twin brother,

Essentially took away that opportunity.

And he's so full of rage that he is planning inside that he will murder his brother for this.

When his father has passed away he wants to honor his father and his family.

He wants to honor his father and not commit that murder it while the father is still living and Rivka of course knows this and learns about it and hears that he is planning to do so.

And then when she favors and loves Yacro she sends him away she plans for him to go to her brother LaVon up in the north,

Very far up in Syria,

To,

To find is a spouse a potential spouse in the family to marry up there that she doesn't want him marrying the local women which is what a sub did least for two of them so that's our summary.

That's our background very intense.

And to me it's very emotionally intense partial it reflects kind of the karma to be honest with you,

The karma,

The karma consequences of this building up over time of how Abraham behaves,

And then get sock and now we're seeing it happening and the echo this will make all sense once I jump in.

So,

What am I going to concentrate on with you going to concentrate on that.

Yeah,

Cool came in deceit.

You need to understand that this 17 year old came with reluctance to this to this behavior,

And he came with reluctance is like any teenager and I imagine developmentally appropriate,

Where at this stage and his moral and character development.

He was more concerned with getting caught.

And the consequences he was worried if he got caught his father would actually curse him instead of bless him.

And then,

Then the morality of the act.

Okay,

But at least he had enough of that moral compass to be concerned with getting caught and the consequences.

Okay.

Because we could have even a person that wasn't aware of that or involved in that correct.

So,

Here's the 17 year old self he doesn't a want to do this act,

You can tell by the language that is used.

Okay,

So if we pay attention to the language in this chapter,

It uses three quick,

Easy verbs,

I'm trying to find the pursuit for you the verse,

Where he basically it says that he went like his mother commands and his mother tells him to go get the goat,

In order to create this guys right to this costume that he will dress up like his brother Asa.

It says he went.

He took,

And he brought.

Okay,

He just did what he was commanded to do where his mother said listen to my voice right which means obey my voice.

Okay.

So,

Um,

But if you look at.

So how do we know that there's a reluctance there right if you look at Abraham behavior.

He gets up quickly he gets up early in the morning,

And he goes to perform what he thinks he's supposed to do which is commanded and he's obeying God,

God's orders right.

So he also ever hum gets up when three guests are coming in the desert at the height of the day where I told you he's just recovering from surgery from a circumcision.

He gets up in the heat of the day runs to them.

So actually actual the language he runs to them bows to them and tells them to come right so he he's hurries he's quick he runs and he hurries and he does that even in the camp.

When he returns,

He runs to the store,

Sorry,

Tells her to quickly prepare something he runs to the boy,

And one of the servants and tells him to quickly prepare something so there's lots of very important attributes,

This media this character trait of enthusiasm right alacrity to perform and to take care of others,

Right and to do certain meets vote commandments right.

And then there is also someone who is a get up and go right she has something fast.

She hastens and she runs she goes to get the water,

She feeds the the camels with the water and feeds the gives to the servant,

She runs to her family there's lots of energy in the communities right.

And you basically don't see this at all and this is coming from a wonderful quote from ha ha ha Kate have the ha kabala,

Which Nechama Lebowitz brains in her lovely new studies on Genesis and be Rashid and page 265 that basically the adverb oral prefix to his following his mother's orders is that he's not hurrying.

He's not running.

He just does this like this,

He goes and does what he's supposed to do,

He went,

He took he brought.

There's no hurrying.

There's no energy.

There's no excitement,

There's nothing there.

He doesn't apply himself.

Okay.

And this is very common will turn out to be common for your code.

There's a certain passivity.

It's almost what we would,

What we're going to say moose our mindfulness is that too much humility.

There's like a sense of not knowing his proper space in that household and the dyad where it's like him and his mother and his brother and his father and he doesn't know quite who he is his purpose,

And not figuring out what is his role in this family dynamic.

And there's no enthusiasm Okay,

And it's almost like you could say he was tearing.

He definitely didn't have the the hurrying and the running that we find in the other verbs that were used with their other ancestors that meet,

He was actually like tearing a bit to hoping that fate or God would intervene and stop this from happening,

Because he doesn't really want to put on that goat skin and go into his father who's blind and get him to give him the blessing right it's not he's deeply uncomfortable by it,

Even if the concern is just getting caught,

He doesn't want to do it he's fearful of being cursed.

Okay,

So,

Um,

But his behavior should immediately start triggering and all of us that he's like his father,

He's like yikzak,

Who comes out of almost being sacrificed,

Probably traumatized.

He,

He just goes,

He does what he's supposed to do,

You know he expands on his father's wells.

There's sometimes passivity there's not sure where he is in space it's too much humility.

There's definitely a lack of that alacrity of that very soon that enthusiasm in his life.

And it's probably coming out of what happened between him and his father and him and losing his mother immediate afterwards was essentially kind of entering this orphan states right and that's how he feels inside it's very heavy.

And one of our midrash even better sheet Rob,

I actually describe his son's behavior yahkov that he doesn't want to do this right,

That he's under duress.

He's bent over and he's weeping,

That's how they imagine him when he went.

He went under duress.

He took his bent over when he takes the goat,

Right,

And he brought me brought weeping,

He doesn't,

He doesn't want to do this right.

And that weeping is going to extend even to his own brother I think both of them are stuck in roles that the unfortunately the unhealthy dynamic between the parents and the splitting of this diet has affected both of them so what happens in yet Sacco base is obviously Avraham and walks off.

After that potential sacrifice he doesn't hurry.

Yeah,

COVID base his mother,

And he walks and follows directions and doesn't hurry,

Right.

So,

Um,

What ends up happening because of this deceit if you follow your code life in this chapter,

What we say his name is England and English is Jacob,

And what will come next and value shiv and then vice lock coming up,

Is that basically the vicissitudes of his life of yackel's life teach us that at every step,

How he was repaid for his behavior measure by measure.

And I have brought up this last tourist cycle this kind of very ancient Near East,

Understanding of the relationship with the divine that a God will expect justice sooner or later and that there's this kind of measure for measure response,

A from Tara Vada Buddhism we might just say that this is karma eventually playing itself out this is consequences for deception.

When one lies and it deceives it has consequences even cosmic ones that we're not fully aware of or have privy to that awareness or information.

And so it's going to come out so this happens to him yackel measure by measure for taking advantage of his father's blindness,

Which we even have a law and Jewish law and how to that you are not to put coming from the Torah you're not to put a stumbling block before the blind.

And you can take that very literally,

And only apply it to blind people,

But you can also apply it,

Not literally and say anyone don't don't deceive them don't put something in front of them where they think it's a clear path.

It's not but here he's actually dealing with a real blind person that he deceives right okay so,

And this is our this is our ancestor yackel 17 year old boy,

Who,

By all means is doing what he is supposed to do but he ignores.

He ignores his inner compass his moral and our compass that we talked about all of us is part of the divine spark within all of us that we have,

And,

You know,

He did it for a greater value,

And back then the value was that you obey your mother's voice you obey your parents.

And by doing this,

You know this was the same in.

This is the same of Yitzhak right,

He obeyed his father so he went on the trip with his father,

And even says where's,

Where's the sacrifice where's the animal where's the wood.

Father says God,

You know,

His father Abraham says God will provide this right.

He obeys him he follows him he goes with him.

And so it's a sense of developing children who are ignoring their moral compass this inner voice the silent still voice that's going on and saying,

This is not right.

This is not what should be happening this is not what I should be doing.

For this greater value in their culture and time.

And this has consequences right really am strong consequences of having too much humility that forms like low self worth low self esteem.

And another example is even Hagar right,

The concubine and the slave servant of Sarah Sarah.

She is actually treated horribly by her.

When she becomes pregnant with Abraham son yes male and Sarah,

And from all print types purposes the verb that's used is causing her in what's the word I'm looking for in English in.

Basically she's causing harm and suffering.

And we don't know what it is exactly but that's enough for us to know is so she runs away,

Hagar from that behavior from being abused,

And she's told by the angel to return to return to that household that that was a domestic violence household situation.

She too had a moral compass that she was trying to listen to and escape and protect herself and the baby within right.

And that she returns against that internal moral compass Okay,

Because she's obeying the voice of the angel who tells her to return.

And this is a harm and consequence to her son Yeshmael also.

So,

Um,

Basically what I want to say is that if for our own practice of moose or mindfulness what I think is a gift from God and our ancestors and and supplying this story to us,

Which is very important is for us to look in our own lives of when we didn't take up our proper amount of space.

When we had that internal moral compass that was telling us this is not okay,

How I'm being treated,

Or the situation,

Or I don't want this,

And that we don't listen to it because we're either valuing what we think is a higher value or a better value or obeying the voice of somebody,

Whatever it might be.

We all I can think have situations where in our lives where we are,

Have done this,

Or in it right now,

Where in moose our mindfulness we look at the media of an above humility and it's all about how much space do you take up that's proper to you.

So we actually say no more than my place,

Meaning we don't,

We don't take you know,

We don't take up more space and we're supposed to,

But we don't ever crowd down so much that we're not picking up our space that Hashem God has given to us to live as a model and to be,

We're never supposed to become smaller than who we are.

And when someone starts to do that and they don't listen to their inner moral compass,

That is becoming too small they are shrinking right.

And it's a conflict between what is my place here,

Right,

My place is to obey my parents to obey the angel,

Whatever it might be,

Versus their space that this is wrong.

And I should have said no or I want to say no and I feel like I can't.

And that's the conflict of when we're really looking at our media of an above humility,

Where are we going to what are we going to do with this when there's this has them right this is this is a big rift between our place and our space.

And that leads,

At least in the Torah and I think it does in our own personal lives to it leads to trauma leads to exile.

And leave,

It leads to becoming an orphan or an orphan state.

It leads to harm and suffering of oneself and even of others.

So,

May we learn from this tour portion of told out how to simultaneously have our place where we honor our values and what's important to us but also take up our proper amount of space to listen to that moral and our compass so we can come to balance that is right for us in this media.

So maybe so we're going to move into our guided meditation practice to practice around this now.

So I invite you to assume one of the four postures that we do in mindfulness meditation,

So it could be a seated posture where you're sitting upright.

It can be walking meditation where you're not walking anywhere in particular you're just going back and forth listening to my instruction my voice my guidance.

It can be lying down,

Hopefully if you have vision with the eyes open to remain awake and alert.

And it can also be standing where you feel strong and held almost like a mountain pose.

And we begin by inviting awareness,

Just even verbally say it quiet silly so quietly to yourself.

I invite awareness.

I invite being still and present in here.

In this moment.

Now with your inhalation inviting ease exhalation compassion inhalation presence and exhalation,

Allowing yourself to arrive inhalation kindness and exhalation arriving to the state of mindfulness where you are here in the present moment.

Awaken alerts.

So what is here for you in the present moment.

Allow your breath to settle to its own natural rhythm.

The way that we build our self worth and self esteem over time is offering ourselves self inner compassion for any feelings of inadequacy.

And we kindly say to ourselves,

May I be kind to myself.

And this is a question stems from external circumstances we say may I accept my life as it is.

You may use any of these phrases to say I wish to be I hope I want.

You can add as possible.

I wish to be kind to myself as much as possible.

I wish to accept myself as I am.

And may I know for yourself right now quietly as you whisper and hold yourself as you build this balance me the vanavas humility.

May I be safe.

And even more important.

May I know safety,

And the causes of safety.

Let's listen to that voice inside and build the conditions and life over time to live in safety,

Safety of others and caring for those around us and all beings from inner and outer harm.

Let's build the self worth and the self esteem one day of practice at a time.

Saying to ourselves,

May I be happy.

I know joy.

And the causes of joy.

May I be a conduit of joy to others,

Bringing God's good to others,

To myself.

Let me build the self worth and the self esteem over time we say may I be healthy.

I deserve to be healthy.

May I know physical joy and the causes of physical joy,

May I know acceptance.

When I am not experiencing health.

I know deep compassion and awareness to accept the things I cannot change.

I have the wisdom to know when I can change things.

I have the courage to act on that.

We build our self esteem and self worth slowly over time we say may I live with ease.

Ease of well being inside.

I know how to ride those waves in equanimity.

I know the causes of equanimity and well being and foster those in my life.

There is a Chinese teaching,

Essentially of the good tiger and the bad tiger within,

Which we in the Jewish tradition called the gets our hats off and they get so hard that the good pure inclination that we all have coming from that divine spark versus what is sometimes called the evil inclination that shadow side of the self.

The lovely child as a father I have these inside of me I feel these two tigers at war,

What should I do,

What should be my practice.

And his wise father says to them you.

You always have both.

But what will dominate what will be with you is the one that you feed.

And so may we in our practice of building the self worth and self esteem over time.

We feed the pure the good and repeat after me may accept myself completely just as I am in this moment.

Maybe filled with loving kindness and extended to others.

May I take care of myself wisely,

Joyfully,

With intention,

With love,

With inner compassion.

May I be well and body and mind.

May all beings be free from suffering harm.

May I be an agent for the good tiger.

May I be an angel for the good tiger.

May I be honoring the bad tiger within.

You may gently and slowly open your eyes if they were closed during our practice.

May I be a part of your family and friends.

I'm delighted to have you and I will guide you in this next week of practice which I told you comes from where we focus on one meter and a character trait during the week and for us it's going to be an ava of humility,

Taking up our proper amount of space,

But not beyond our place right we have to consider the needs of others.

And so,

We will engage in that awareness of it looking at our words,

Thoughts and deeds of how much we are practicing and building that healthy moral compass honoring it taking up the proper amount of space.

And our avoda our service is really this self care this practice of doing this meditation,

Having that calm,

Quiet,

Still voice and honoring and being kind to ourselves that we can extend that kindness to others.

And the practice,

Really,

On a daily basis,

Is to extend that same type of compassion to others by modeling it by living it fully ourselves.

And so,

I highly recommend,

Including in the meditation the work of Dr.

Kristin Neff,

Who is a professor at the University of Texas at Austin.

She specializes in self compassion inner compassion and the three key things that she brings to us is that we must have mindfulness of what's going on for us.

So like learning from the story from our ancestors,

Are we not listening to the inner moral compass and obeying a different voice.

And we must have shared humanity we must realize that others to are struggling and are doing this from time to time are not listening to this inner moral compass,

And that we're not alone.

And then the final thing is this inner self compassion to understand that this is a practice and it takes time to build healthy self esteem.

And so with that we will attempt to practice that this week.

I thank you for your practice,

I encourage you to subscribe to us on our website and join our community.

We'd be delighted to meet you and engage,

And please do give him.

Give what to trauma you're offering for our teachings to support the Institute and we have a question coming in.

We have a question coming in from the audience.

I'm going to ask the question,

How come Isaac was blind.

Good question.

The Torah doesn't tell us why he was blind,

It is assumed is throughout the tradition well there's there's a couple stories.

First,

The obvious assumption is that he's just an old man who has lost his vision over time,

That's that's a simple honest reading a but it's not it's not stated in the Hebrew Bible and the Torah why other people commentators has out from the Middle Ages for instance,

Whether it be Rambam or Rashi or others rush bomb,

They bring in the idea that his blindness was less of physical blindness even though that was there,

But more he was blind inside to how a soft really was.

That's an interesting read because they obviously come from a certain reading of who a solid is and having a certain negative opinion of him,

Even though I don't think that has to be read in the text.

So,

We don't know other than we're just told that he ended up blind,

And,

You know,

There's,

There's a wonderful story I mean I don't think it's so wonderful I think it's sad that when he was about to be sacrificed on the mountain with his father,

That he saw the heavens open,

And with his eyes and even the teardrops of an angel,

They were crying over him potentially being sacrificed that that teardrop drops into his eyes,

And it basically causes them to dim and become blind over time.

And so,

What I read behind that story is a sense of when you have a child who through the parents zeal for their relationship with their God decides to potentially hurt you in the process,

Even if you go along with it or consent or maybe not even consent just do so under duress or because your parent told you to it that's going to have an effect,

Either,

Either physically on your eyesight or inside,

There's going to be a dimming inside there's going to be that which one has to live with and struggle with the rest of their life and I think we witness that in yet suck.

So,

Any more questions or comments for today.

I have more but I don't want to ask now.

Okay.

Feel free to reach out,

Get email with questions comments and we'll we'll share and get back together so thank you thank you for your practice today thank you to everyone present,

And we,

This rotation God willing will meet next Sunday at the same time Eastern Standard Time,

And I wish you all a fruitful good week of practice may you be healthy and safe.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.