Letting Go Of Control

In this guided practice, we explore the dynamics of control and freedom and how to awaken the power of curiosity to find the freedom we so deeply crave. Often, many of us have a desire to control our experiences, yet such desire limits our ability to experience reality as it is and ourselves as we are.

The antidote is to become curious about ourselves—the sensations in our bodies, emotions, and thoughts—without judgment and without wanting anything to be different.

This consists of a 20-minute talk and a 20-minute meditation.

Transcript

Good morning,

Everyone.

Thank you for joining me.

I had someone request that I speak a bit about control and the desire to be in control.

It's interesting because I think that this is a very important topic,

And it's something that almost all of the topics that I've taught on relate to.

Because it relates to the fundamental struggle that many of us have within ourselves,

Between wanting to experience love and connection to everything and everyone around us,

And the fear of harm,

Of danger.

And it's the struggle between those two aspects of self,

Of being human,

That we actually learn a lot.

And it's through finding the balance and how to work with those different facets of being that we can continue to grow and know ourselves more deeply.

Ultimately,

That has the ability to enhance our capacity for love,

For happiness,

For fulfillment,

For connection.

Before going more specifically into the dynamics of control,

I think it's always good to come back to the baseline of who we are,

Our natural state,

So that we can remember that that is always there beneath all those other dynamics.

And there's many different perspectives on this.

Many of you who have been with me in these classes know that I tend to gravitate towards the Taoist and Buddhist and yogic perspective that our innate nature is one of love,

Compassion,

And wisdom.

And that those qualities are unlimited,

And we all have them as our fundamental nature,

And what we strive towards.

And what prevents us from experiencing and allowing those qualities to flow through us are the obscurations of the mind.

Obscurations is a commonly used translation of some of the words in Buddhism used to describe this.

Often it would be termed ignorance in Buddhism,

The ignorance that's caused by the obscurations of the patterns of conditioning of our mind,

Of how we have grown throughout our lives,

The defense mechanisms that we've created that create a level of separation between the true nature of being and how we interpret our experience through the filters of the mind.

Those filters of the mind are ultimately what create the ignorance of obscuration.

That obscure our perception of the true underlying reality of who we are and the world around us.

The more we allow those filters of the mind to become clear,

The closer we move to experiencing reality as it is and ourselves as we are.

In Hinduism,

They called this veil of obscurations Maya,

Illusion.

And most of us,

Whether we're aware of it or not,

Live our lives under this cloud of illusion.

That we aren't truly perceiving reality as it is and ourselves as we are,

Because we're perceiving it through these filters of the mind that distort the underlying reality.

But at some level,

Deep down,

We all have access to the truth.

The truth of being,

The truth of reality,

The truth of who we are.

And we all have a deep desire to know ourselves and to gravitate towards that truth.

It's like gravity.

It's continually pulling us towards it,

Towards ourselves.

And yet so often,

We're fighting against it.

We're trying to run away from it as hard as we can,

And yet we're still slowly being pulled towards it.

And so a lot of the practice is learning to surrender,

To let go of trying to control.

Ultimately,

That desire to control is a desire to control outcomes.

It's based in the abstract conceptions of the mind that has ideas of good and bad and right and wrong about how things should be,

About how others should be,

About how we should be.

And ultimately,

That creates separation between ourselves and others and within ourselves.

Because there is no abstract ideal way that we or anybody else or the world should be.

The more we can learn to accept each moment as it is,

To accept ourselves as we are,

To accept others as they are,

That allows us to let go of trying to control and to see the beauty of ourselves and others as we are,

And each moment as it is,

As this beautiful,

Complex unfolding that is chaotic and uncertain and that we never actually have control over.

But what we do have a degree of control over is how we relate to each experience.

Because the truth is,

Is that each one of us has incredible hopes and dreams and potential.

And each one of us has our own unique challenges and suffering and fears.

And it's the interplay of all of those different aspects of being that create this complex tapestry that is the uniqueness of us.

When we try to control,

To try to make others or ourselves or the world be a certain way,

That's trying to impose a static conception on something that is inherently dynamic,

Continually changing and unfolding.

And yet as we surrender and let go of trying to control,

We enter the flow of life,

Of this beautiful unfolding that's continually occurring every moment.

Often,

The desire to try to control,

As I mentioned earlier,

Is rooted in fear.

And often,

Those fears come from past traumas that we've experienced,

Past hurts,

Past heartbreaks,

Physical suffering.

And it's completely natural to not want to experience those things and to not want to experience them again when we've had those experiences.

But the problem is that we can't selectively shut down our ability to experience.

We can't decide,

I'm not going to experience the pain in life,

But I'm still going to experience the joy and the love.

The faculty to experience can't be selectively directed in that way.

We either learn to open it up and thereby experience all of life more fully,

All of the pain,

All of the hurt,

And also all of the joy and all of the beauty and all of the love.

Or we close it down more and we experience less of all of it.

And it's a choice that we can consciously make.

Most often,

It's an unconscious choice.

Because of the hurts we've experienced,

We have defense mechanisms that progressively close us down a little bit more.

And that cause us to want to control outcomes and our experiences.

But we can consciously decide to soften those edges.

Because the desire to control is a bit of a harder energy.

And so I've talked in a lot of classes about the importance of softening.

Because it's through softening that we can start to relax more and more into our true nature and to open up to experiencing life and ourselves more fully.

And as I've also said before,

That doesn't mean that we suddenly magically stop experiencing pain.

We might actually experience more pain.

It's extraordinarily vulnerable to soften,

To let go of control.

But I also think it's one of the only ways to achieve that which we truly desire.

To know ourselves on deeper and deeper levels and to move closer to experiencing life and reality as it is.

To experiencing ourselves as we are in all of our beauty and all of our suffering.

Further,

I think it's important to consciously acknowledge that ultimately we don't have control over others or outer circumstances.

And any belief or desire for control is part of that illusion,

The Maya,

The obscuration,

The ignorance,

That keeps us separate from the reality.

It's part of that illusion,

The Maya,

The obscuration,

The ignorance,

That keeps us separate from our true natural state.

Now,

As I'm saying this,

I also want to add that it's really,

Really important to not be hard on ourselves or judge ourselves when we notice that we have a desire to control or when we are acting in controlling ways.

That does not do any good for us.

It's actually rooted in the same delusion and Maya that obscures us from our natural state.

It muddies the waters even further.

It's really important to approach this aspect of ourselves that wants to control with gentleness,

With kindness,

With softness,

With patience.

Because trying to change that part of us that wants to control things is trying to control that part of us.

So it continues in this feedback loop and reinforces it.

Instead,

We need to cultivate a gentleness that extends to being gentle with ourselves when we find ourselves not being gentle.

That is the true nature of tolerance.

To be tolerant even of those who are intolerant.

To be tolerant towards those parts of ourselves that are intolerant.

And this is where we find that well of compassion and wisdom that is our natural state.

Because as we soften towards those parts of ourselves that want to control,

We find that we can breathe.

Because that aspect of control is actually constricting parts of our physical body.

It's creating tension in our body.

Emotional and psychological hardness directly translates into a physical hardening in the body of greater tension within the physical body.

And as we psychologically and emotionally soften towards ourselves and our experiences,

Our bodies begin to soften and relax.

And when that occurs,

Blood circulates more freely through our body.

Our body becomes more fully connected within itself and its innate capacity to heal is stronger.

As we soften and surrender,

All the multidimensional aspects that make up this individuated being that is us begin to integrate more fully to connect.

And as that separation within self begins to heal and diminish,

The separation between self and other,

Between others in the world around us,

Simultaneously begins to diminish.

And we begin to experience the connection that we so deeply crave.

So this connection between our mental and emotional stance and the physical body is really one of the great gateways to softening and working with letting go of control.

We need to start to become curious about how we feel in our bodies and curious about what is occurring in our emotions and thoughts.

Instead of judging or trying to make any aspect of self be any certain way,

To just become curious about what it is that we're feeling in our bodies,

What we're feeling in our thoughts in each moment.

And as we open to curiosity in our experience,

It becomes possible to observe the connections that when we start trying to control a situation or another person,

We begin to feel where tension is coming into our physical body.

That's the first step,

Is just noticing.

Once we notice,

We have the ability to choose to consciously soften,

To surrender a little bit,

To let go a little bit.

And then we find as we consciously let go of some of the tension in the body,

Just by being aware of it and softening into it without trying to change it or force it to be different.

Our psychological and emotional state also begins to soften.

And we begin to change the feedback loop.

We start to repattern the neural pathways of the brain in how we respond to our experience.

And it takes patience.

We aren't going to change patterns that we've had for decades and decades in the course of one 20-minute sip.

But as the saying goes,

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

And that's all we do,

Is we just take one step and then another and another.

And before we know it,

We've gone a mile,

We've gone a hundred miles,

We've gone a thousand miles.

And then we forget that we were even trying to go a thousand miles and we've journeyed through the entire universe of ourselves.

Because this is what it's all about,

Is the journey within.

And exploring and getting to know this entire universe that is us,

That is continually connected to and immersed in the rest of all being.

So,

Let's take a step together.

If you will,

Find a comfortable posture for meditation.

If you need to,

You can lie down or you can sit in a chair around the floor.

Know that there is no certain way that you need to be or that is inherently best for meditative practice.

What matters is cultivating a gentleness towards yourself and towards your practice,

Towards each step.

Taking it gently and with kindness.

If you are seated,

It's helpful if your knees are below your hips to keep the front of the hips open and release tension.

Feel that you have a stable base,

That you are rooted into the ground,

Into the solidity beneath you.

So that you feel the support that is always there.

If you are seated,

Allow your spinal column to rise with its natural curves.

Allow your shoulders to relax back and down.

Relax your scalp and forehead.

Release your jaw.

Become aware of your breath.

Observe the flow of your breath.

As it moves in and out.

Notice if it's short or long,

Shallow or deep.

With an open curiosity,

Without judgment,

Without trying to change it.

Just observing the natural movement of the breath in this moment.

As you continue with the breath,

Gently scan your physical body.

Notice if there's any areas of tension,

Discomfort,

Aches.

And as with the breath,

Allow your awareness to approach these areas with a gentle curiosity.

Just observing moment to moment sensation,

Without judgment,

Without wanting it to be different.

Just wanting to experience it as it is,

In this moment.

If any thoughts arise,

Become curious.

Observe the underlying energy and nature of the thoughts themselves.

Allowing them to be as they are.

Begin to notice any connections between thoughts or feelings.

And physical sensations in the body.

All the while continuing with awareness.

All the while continuing with awareness of the breath.

And noticing correlations between breath,

Body and mind.

As feelings or thoughts or sensations arise.

Approach it with a gentle curiosity.

Perhaps asking yourself,

What is this that I'm feeling?

Without labeling it,

But trying to feel it,

Experience it beneath the words.

Perhaps asking yourself,

What is this that I'm feeling?

Without labeling it,

But trying to feel it,

Experience it beneath the words.

Now,

Would you continue breathing?

As you inhale,

Think the word peace.

And as you exhale,

Think the word surrender.

Breathing in peace.

Breathing out,

Surrender.

And as you exhale,

Surrender.

And as you exhale,

Surrender.

And as you exhale,

Surrender.

And as you exhale,

Surrender.

Release the thoughts from the breath.

Allow awareness of the breath to move to the background.

From the foreground of your awareness.

Focus on the stillness.

The stillness of ever-present awareness.

Soften into the stillness.

And as you exhale,

Surrender.

And as you exhale,

Surrender.

And as you exhale,

Surrender.

And this stillness is our unlimited potential.

Beyond the desire of the mind to control.

There is the peace,

Wholeness,

Connection that we deeply crave.

Come aware of your breath.

Naturally moving in and out.

Come aware of the felt sense of your body as a whole.

Feeling the solidity beneath you that you are connected to and supported by.

Feel the air around you.

That you are continually connected to and immersed in.

Like a fish in water.

And when you are ready,

Maintain a connection to the softness and the inner stillness.

As you gently and slowly begin to open your eyes and take in the world around you.

Flowing through you with an open curiosity.

We don't ever have control over what is going to happen in the world or what we are going to experience.

But what we do have a degree of agency over is how we relate to ourselves and to all that we experience.

When we cultivate strength within ourselves,

We are able to more skillfully interact with others and the world.

This is a form of true power,

Inner power.

That is not dependent on having power over others,

But over oneself.

In Buddhism,

There is a saying,

It is easier to be compassionate when one is strong.

The more we cultivate this inner strength,

The less we are ruled by our fears and the easier it becomes to be compassionate with ourselves and with others.

The difference between control and strength,

Between external and internal forms of power,

Is subtle,

Yet vital.

Thank you all for joining me today.

As you continue with your day,

Try to be aware when you are trying to control.

And if you notice it,

Just be curious about it.

And be curious about the sensations you feel in your body.

Thank you again.

Reviews

I keep coming back to this well, and the water is always fresh

Living from the heart.
Softening

Bless you in your blessing. Bowing to the light of compassion within you.
🐢

Incredible! Thank you Thomas! Great teaching AND the meditation is sooo powerful! I am very grateful for you and your knowledge and wisdom in sharing this experience with us all.

I often randomly choose one of your talks by scrolling my bookmarks and letting my finger stop to one without even reading the title. Letting my heart choose what I needed to hear. This talk was exactly what I needed. This summer for some reason, I have been struggling internally. After listening to this talk I realized that much of my struggling has been because I am trying to control things that are not possible to control. Nature, other people, the future.. and I think I have been hard on myself because I know in my heart it's not possible.
Thank you Thomas for this lovely reminder, I will return to it often.

I really enjoyed listening to your talks. I learn so much every time I listen to them. Thank you.

Saved this because it is so helpful in really embracing the letting go. Thank you

Thank you Thomas for the message of looking at our relationship with control. Seems to free oneself of yet another hindrance on our journey. 🙏

Super powerful for me. I shed many tears as I noticed my difficulty with gentleness and felt those sensations in the body. Thank you for guiding me through finding curiosity and interest with compassion rather than judgement and wanting things to be different. I continue to work on letting go and…allowing ALL. Thank you for this session which has been bookmarked to regularly return to!

such great perspective on control. and ways to look at control. everything seems to go back to being gently aware of how all these different things feel in our bodies. do we not control something’s? like the foods i decide to eat today? or other choices i make each day? but i don’t control the outcome???

To feel peaceful in the midst of Battling control was joyful. You reminded me I do have a choice…peace and surrender. Thank you 🙏

Thank you again Thomas! This talk & meditation gave me hope to heal old patterns. Do you think that all old stocked emotions and wounds can be heal with awereness/mindfulness, stillness, kindness, softness and acceptance (with time, a lot of patience and daily pratices)? ✨🙏🙏🙏✨

A very gentle and unique experience! Thank you! 💝🙏🌸

It's so pleasant to listen to you once again and your message. I think we live in a traumatized society as we all carry some kind of trauma in our life. And therfore there is so much conflict. I believe we can heal ourselves and your talks contribute to this. Your talks give me strength to continue the do the inner(hard) work and commit to it. Your talks feels almost like a therapy-session because you seem so genuine and I like that. You convey hope and you inspire. Again, thank you very much!! I really enjoy listening to you. I think the best medicine is love(and nature, yoga/meditation). Everybody want the same thing; to be loved and seen for who we are. Feel embraced, Silje Rebekka

Thank you so much ❤️

Excellent, especially the meditation at the end. Thank you.

You’re a beautiful soul and wise teacher. 🌸 Thank you

I loved learning about being gentle with oneself in order to bring about the change we seek. Thank you 🙏 ✨

✨💙🙏✨...Wise counsel, followed by a peaceful meditation of stillness..A perfect “In the moment!”🌬💫

Such an important message and so profoundly and beautifully shared. Thank you! Many blessings.🙏

Wisdom
Be curious about it (control) & be aware of the sensations in your body...
Ok going into my day now hoping not to rub up Against others 🙏🏻

This was so meaningful to me. I am currently writing a dissertation on homicide related bereavement. Any way you would share this transcript with me so that I could quote you? Thank you so much for this meditation!