Releasing Unrealistic Expectations​

In episode 3,1 we look at noticing and letting go of unrealistic expectations. Join us as we learn how to soften into the here and now. Are relationship expectations causing friction with people you love? We know what it’s like. That’s why we’ll share tools that help us let go of our personal agendas so we can open our hearts up to what’s right in front of us. Plus, we’ll get into the direct physical and emotional experience of what this process feels like in the moment. Come join the fun!

Transcript

Thanks for joining us here on Pretty Spiritual where we're attempting the unthinkable about how to navigate this messy,

Beautiful,

Imperfect life with spiritual tools,

What,

Principles,

And our own personal stories.

So we're not experts,

We're not religious,

We're definitely silly.

We're honest,

Real,

And willing to share.

So join us as we connect,

Bond,

And grow together.

Hello friends,

Welcome back to Pretty Spiritual.

Hello!

Oh,

What a miracle we're all together,

I think.

Yay!

Thank the goddess.

We missed you guys a lot and we're so glad to be back together.

Today we're going to talk about expectations and Annie is going to let us know a quick definition of what those are.

This is compliments of Merriam-Webster.

An expectation is the act or state of expecting and expecting is to expect to consider probable or certain,

Consider reasonable,

Due,

Or necessary,

Consider bound in duty or obligated,

Or to anticipate or look forward to the coming or occurrence of.

Yeah.

Heavy.

Merriam-Webster does it.

In some areas,

Expectations are necessary and helpful.

For instance,

In an employment agreement,

You know,

Or on pay,

Or clear and direct expectations of an exclusive partnership with someone,

Those are places where expectations can really be a helpful thing.

But,

I think most of us have the experience of expecting something to be a certain way,

Finding it not to be that way in actuality,

And then feeling disappointed and or resentful about it.

You know,

I have the kind of constitution that when I hear about like something being spiritually bad,

In quotation marks that you guys can't see because this is a recording,

That I try to,

I try to make myself not do it.

And I have a human brain that's going to think thoughts,

Expectations are a necessary corollary of that and so for myself,

I would try to avoid knee-jerk reactions that put me at war with my humanness because we're not supposed to be some other way.

And having expectations about having expectations,

Those are still expectations.

Love it.

Favorite loop.

Oh my God.

So the place where expectations are problematic for me is when I,

Like I said,

When I come into a situation where my projected beliefs about how things will look,

How they should look is not matching up with reality.

And for me,

The reason this is a,

Becomes a spiritual thing is because expectations for me are the mental outline of what I think I need to feel okay or safe or taken care of in a given circumstance.

And so when my expectations aren't met,

All of a sudden I have this spiritual opportunity to shift my perspective and see whether I'm still okay,

Even though my expectations haven't been met.

Expectations not getting met represents an opportunity for me to check in with myself and a higher power of my understanding to see if I'm still safe,

To see if the ground of being is still there,

To see if I still can feel taken care of,

Even though I didn't get what I thought I needed or wanted.

For me,

It's a spiritual issue because it represents a potential shift in attitude that enables us to feel more and more safe and okay,

Regardless of what the conditions of our life are,

To still feel okay and taken care of.

I chose this topic for today because I've had some recent experiences with people where I have an agenda of how I think our relationship is supposed to go and what I think we're supposed to be doing and how it's supposed to look and those expectations or desired outcomes have been really getting in the way of me being able to love myself and other people just how we are.

Instead,

I'm really working at seeing how I can shift away from how I think things are supposed to be and come into reality and feel safe here.

So that's what we're going to talk about today.

Let's get going with some Lindsay Pony.

What are your experiences with expectations?

What are they like today?

How have they changed over time?

Where's that at for you?

Hey everyone,

I'm Lindsay Pony.

Hey Lindsay.

Hi Pony.

Honored to be here in this space with everyone.

Ella,

Thank you so much for the topic.

I've recently dropped into this space of seeing that I have expectations,

Which sounds really funny but it's been really nice to,

Just like you were talking about,

The shift in perspective.

So there's when I'm in the place of not recognizing that I have these agendas and that I have a plan and these things need to happen,

Just even the felt feeling of what that's like,

I can say I'm in a rush right now.

I have to work today extra early and we all did so much scheduling to be together.

Thank you so much.

It's a real chore and takes a lot.

And so just thank you all very much.

And so I didn't really recognize it like,

Oh,

I'm in a hurry,

You know,

So I get here and I'm really just like putting everything together and I get really tight and nobody can talk me and certainly no time for hugging.

I have got to get some stuff done and get out.

So it was really nice to say a little prayer and come back to reminding myself that breathing and letting myself become aware that expectations are here and to relax is a whole new space for me.

And then my strategies for dealing with this life and getting it to go exactly as I expect isn't working.

And this is a really beautiful space and opportunity to drop into what are my expectations right now?

What am I expecting?

What do I really need this to look like?

When I was thinking about this last night,

I started thinking about how I have really high expectations for myself.

I just mean on the constant.

And it's this interesting space just like I'm talking about of not recognizing I have these expectations and then not seeing,

Right?

So this is like,

Is this delusion?

You know,

Like,

I've really been playing with that lately is wow.

The layers of delusion that are here and looking at my high expectations of myself and how if I relating to the things that I put on myself are also whether I realized it or not are kind of coming out sideways at what I expect of you.

And that's where my expectations with people really hurt a lot of my relationships,

A lot of my friendships where we would,

I've had to take time off because I was so hard on them because I could not understand why you couldn't meet my expectations read into outlandish demands and I couldn't even see them.

So there was a major disconnect and a lot of suffering and pain.

You know,

I love to go back.

It helps me so much to kind of envision or think about where did this start?

What's the origin story of this strategy to survive?

Something that worked really well for me as a young child to survive was really high expectations.

I've got,

I've got to be good enough.

I've got to be better or this messaging that I thought if I,

If I was better than I'd be lovable.

If I was better,

If I,

You know,

Then I could get my wants and needs met.

And so that was,

That was,

You know,

What,

It was many things.

It was sad and comforting and just going backwards and kind of seeing where I was then really helps me to see that the strategies that I have for today served my inner child,

My small little human that I was trying to help at the time and now as an adult,

They don't work very well and they are actually causing me more harm.

So what an opportunity,

What a delight,

What an uncomfortable treat I get to have today to look at where these expectations are leading me astray.

I like to think of like my inner,

My little inner child's agenda,

You know,

And the invisible contracts I have with people in my mind.

These are two lampposts that can help me guide me towards seeing out in this outer realm and come down into this internal felt environment of what expectations are here.

So I was just talking about how,

You know,

I feel a little bit like it's,

It's confusing,

It's confronting,

It's,

It feels like layers of delusion when I can't even identify or find or see the unrealistic expectations that I'm putting on myself and then the unrealistic expectations that I'm putting on most people that I come into contact with and inevitably expectations are premeditated resentments.

The spiritual work here for me and the piece where I'm really at right now with this is how do I go from believing these expectations and this control,

This certainty,

This strategy to get like the love and the care and the needs that I have as like a smaller person or past something.

How do I really tune into today?

How do I see where I am today and recognize the expectations that I'm putting on each moment,

Whether it be the kitchen has to be clean while I work as I go or this means I'm a bad worker.

That was one of them,

Something like I have to rush and hurry and I can't like talk and participate with what's going on around me because I'm in a rush and I have to hurry.

The expectation of if I am good,

If I am perfect,

If I am the best,

Then I am lovable.

That's a really deep core one for me.

And to see that those are here.

They're here right now.

How do I drop in and see that is really where I'm at right now and I have some tools that maybe will help me and maybe you.

Yay.

Thanks,

Pony.

Thanks,

Pony.

Yayers.

That was so great.

Thank you.

Annie,

Take it away.

What about expectations for you?

What a great topic.

I'm really happy to be with these girls.

I've been traveling for a few weeks and that's why we don't have,

Haven't had any new podcasts up in a while.

And so it's nice to sit with everyone.

Pony,

I really appreciated what you're saying about not even knowing when you had expectations.

And that's been such a great and interesting part of this process of self-examination that comes with a spiritual journey is like,

What's the stuff that I just think is true because I think it.

Most of it.

All of it.

I'm thinking it.

This is a fact machine up here.

All facts all the time.

Don't question it.

Don't question it.

Just go.

Just do it.

And when I have this process of self-examination,

It doesn't always work,

But it gives me more opportunity to notice when I have these,

These things come up that I just think are true.

And then when I pause and have a little room around it,

I'm like,

Oh,

This is my expectation.

And it's how I love those definitions.

It's such a broad thing.

It can be like what I think is probable or certain.

What I think I like this,

What it's do,

Like it's due to the contract.

Yeah,

I get.

This because I did this.

So I get this in return,

Whether it's like love or money or good weather,

Like whatever it is.

Yes,

I control the weather.

I deserve it.

So I was making notes and I was thinking about my challenges with expectations and the weather was definitely on there.

It was like that the weather be warm.

I have this expectation that I want always there to be nice weather.

You so deserve it.

There's an expectation often that I should be different than I am.

And it's just that like the fact machine of my brain where I'm like,

Oh,

I should be this.

And I just kind of go with it.

And then it's like,

Oh,

Actually it's just an expectation,

But I think it's true.

And so then I'm living in this world of discomfort because I'm not what I think that I am or should be.

And it's kind of like setting myself up for this inevitable constant failure.

And again,

Just kind of time and space helps notice that stuff.

So I'm not so constantly in this world where I'm not good enough.

I have expectation that I should live in comfort and ease all the time.

Also I have expectation that things are going to be bad.

They're conflicting.

You're so confused.

It's really complicated.

For a long time I had this expectation that trying something new and not having it go how I wanted it to would be dangerous.

And so I wouldn't try new stuff.

So it's like really slippery zone of expectations.

So like we've all been saying,

The main part is just noticing that I have an expectation because until I even notice it,

I'm stuck.

When it comes to relationships and expectations,

I was thinking that my challenges usually come from a lack of communication.

And so there's like this unmet expectation and it usually comes from A,

I don't yet know what I want or need and I just have this vague sense of frustration.

And it's like there's this unacknowledged expectation in me that I don't even realize is there.

Or B,

I know what I want and need but for some reason,

Insert people pleasing codependency here,

I'm not clearly expressing it to the other person,

Aka why aren't you a mind reader?

And also a codependent people pleaser.

Perfect human.

Try to intuit my needs so I don't need to express them.

And this,

I'm joking about this,

But this has gotten so much better over my life.

In the last years,

I've been getting tools,

We're all going to talk about some tools.

So this has really changed,

Especially in the context of relationships and not being able to communicate about expectations.

So it's easier for me to joke about it than it used to be because it used to be a really big source of pain,

But it still causes me challenges quite often.

And it's because it's like there's all this wild subtext,

You know,

Like my doing or saying one thing,

But that underneath I have either this unacknowledged or unexpressed want or need and I'm not getting it.

So then my resentment is slowly building.

An easy example for me,

Because I've been traveling right now is travel.

I get really interesting expectations with travel.

This trip that my wife and I just went on is around our three year wedding anniversary.

We went to the area where four years ago she proposed to me.

So we went on this trip and when we went,

I had so much anxiety.

I was in a different place in my life and I was so crabby that I was anxious because I had this expectation that I'm in Barcelona and I'm going to feel amazing.

And we got there and I was just so uptight,

So uncomfortable.

But it's like this expectation that I feel terrific and I didn't.

And then I was angry.

So it's kind of we talk a lot about that second arrow and like compounding what's already there.

And also on this trip,

I got pretty sick and like I thought my voice really hurt and I was down for a couple of days.

And when I first got together with my wife,

I love to be babied when I don't feel well.

Like I want someone to be like,

Oh,

You sweetest little papa,

Let me take care of you.

And that is not her way.

And she's so amazing and generous and loving in so many ways.

Like coddling a sick person is not one of them.

And it took me years to be able to let her know my expectation that I be treated a certain way when I'm sick.

So it's like because I couldn't express what I wanted or needed,

I would just be angry and sick.

Such a good combo.

Oh my gosh.

So it was interesting to be on this trip and be able to stand,

Like express what I needed around being ill.

You know,

And I was like,

Wow,

This has changed so much from this same location and the same activities similar that we were doing four years ago.

And like how much I've changed in my ability to talk about what I need and communicate and also understand that I'm not always going to feel great.

And that that like that's a crazy expectation to have for me,

Even just because I'm in another country.

It doesn't mean that things are this sounds weird,

But like the things are perfect because of course,

It's amazing.

What an opportunity that I got to travel.

But like sometimes I'm going to be anxious and sometimes I'm going to be sick and to expect that life doesn't happen just because I'm in a different zip code or a different continent is where I set myself up for trouble.

So that was far longer than I anticipated to talk.

Pass.

So great.

I love how we're doing this together.

And so I can just relax into not knowing all the things that need to be said and then let you guys fill in all of that.

Just thank you.

So nice.

It's so relaxing.

Yeah,

God.

Yeah.

Pasha,

I related so much to what you guys were both talking about.

I also don't tend to notice my expectations until they've been dashed.

And it's picture like a poor animal on some craggy rocks at the bottom of a sea cliff.

Yeah.

Oh,

Whoops,

You had an expectation that you weren't gonna plummet to your death.

Looks like you were wrong.

I also related to the being sick and wanting comfort thing.

I had an experience a couple nights ago.

I've been not well physically and have this like ongoing migraine and I was real sick one night I got out of the bath and I was just kind of like,

Lay down in bed with my partner and I was just kind of like whimpering pathetically expecting something.

Not sure what.

I mean,

Yeah,

Probably that probably that.

And nothing was happening.

And he was on his phone.

And I ultimate betrayal.

I use my phone at the wall.

I use my phone to check out a lot.

So it is clear to me that I have a lot of judgment of myself for doing that.

And in the moment when he was doing it,

I was like,

This is unforgivable animal.

And so I wasn't I didn't communicate anything verbally.

But instead,

I started weeping.

And I guess that is that is communicate definite clear communication.

Basically packing my bags,

Preparing to set yourself on fire.

So I left the bedroom and I came into our living room and I started doing my neck physical my neck exercises.

You guys know I don't have to explain.

And I went back in after I don't know 30 minutes feeling a little bit better.

I was like,

I can't talk about this right now.

And then I put on my eye blanket and went to bed.

And when I woke up in the morning,

I had the opportunity to say,

Hey,

I really needed comforting last night.

And I'm sorry,

I wasn't willing to ask for it directly.

I ought to have asked for it directly.

It was great because for me,

It's like the more I can take ownership of my needs and wants like Annie was talking about the safer I feel with myself and with other people.

A couple of years ago,

One of my friends shared with me that she no longer was going to say the word should.

So should is essentially just a way of shaming ourselves for not doing the thing that we think we're supposed to be doing.

I was really like startled by that.

And so it's been you know,

Over the course of years now,

But I don't really say the word should about myself anymore.

If there's something I ought to be doing,

I say ought.

I ought to be doing my work right now.

But I'm not.

And for me,

There's like such a sense of lightness around taking responsibility for myself and my life and ownership for my motives and actions and all of that kind of stuff that just makes me feel safer.

Noticed as we're talking about this,

This theme of like,

We don't notice expectations.

It's a practice to,

To just keep noticing what's here for us.

And I'm really lucky to have people in my life who I really love and care about.

And I'm not,

I'm not willing to harm.

And that's not always something I can say for myself,

You know,

It's a lot harder for me to let go of expectations of myself than to let go of expectations of other people.

And so what my partner has been sharing with me and message I've gotten from other people with whom I have intimate relationships is that my judgment and expectations are like leaking out of me.

And the example I gave of the other night spilling out of,

Splashing out of me,

Not just leaking out.

They're impacting people.

Even if I'm not verbally saying you did something wrong or you disappointed me,

The feeling of judgment and dashed expectations in other people are like leaking out in my attitude and my body language.

I'm so grateful that people are willing to tell me about this because,

Oh God,

It's so uncomfortable and I want to justify and excuse and all of this other stuff.

But at the end of the day,

I'm so grateful for this.

Cause like I said,

I don't always have the willingness to love myself that way.

And so when people share with me that that's the impact I'm having on them,

I get the opportunity to explore the ways I'm doing it to myself.

Because like Lindsay said,

If I am leaking out judgments onto other people,

I have this opportunity to notice the expectations I have of myself.

And then I'm implicitly projecting onto other people.

So my spiritual work around this has been a lot of kind of softening into the internal experience of tightness,

Like just how Lindsay was describing,

Like I've got to just muscle through and figure it out.

You know,

I'm in a rush.

I don't have enough resources,

That kind of thing.

So yeah,

How to just soften and relax into the very uncomfortable experience of that.

It is time for us to turn our talk to the tools.

So now that we've identified the areas where we're struggling with expectations in our lives,

Let's look at the spiritual tools that are helping us let go of how we think things should be and instead relax into how things actually are.

Lindsay,

If you'd like to get us started.

Oh,

That just really slid beautifully into my tool.

The idea or practicing or setting up the scaffolding of expectation management.

Managing the gap between what is and what could be.

Managing what you have and what you expect.

Like I was sharing about the biggest piece for me and always like the forgetting and remembering on the spiritual path,

Like feeling like I've browned out and then I've like just woken up and there's all this wreckage and is getting to the spot or even if it's two days later,

You know,

Like,

Wow,

I really wasn't able to communicate.

I'm really impressed with you ladies per usual,

But just the communication piece.

I'm not there.

Not only must you be a mind reader,

I'm still going to rely on that,

That eventually you'll be able to muster up the mind reading that I desperately need from you.

There's a really big blockage right now for me to feel like it's okay or safe enough to say what I need.

It's really such a beautiful opportunity to have this very personal experience with yourself because we're all on different.

We're so different and the humanness of all of this is what we're struggling with and so the not allowing our humanness that is here,

But is one of the issues.

The wanting certainty,

Like demanding it from every moment when what we're guaranteed in this life is uncertainty is another piece for me.

About the self awareness,

Which is what I'm like praying for all the time and like setting my intention in the morning of,

You know,

Today I'm really looking towards love and tolerance like yeah it's an insane ideal that I don't even know how to love the people I have so much hatred for.

You know,

But what a beautiful thing that I could set my sights on love and tolerance and how much more space opens up instead of like this tight,

It must be this one way for me to be okay.

It's just a concept.

Expectation management is a concept because we're talking about these really abstract ideals and experiences.

And so for me it's very helpful to have just a word that can remind me of like,

Okay,

Okay,

Shaken up and I bet there's some insane expectations here are there?

Let me do a little check.

Okay,

What do I need?

Well I definitely need validation and love from other people.

Okay,

Reign that in,

Reign that in.

How am I demanding that right now in this ordering of my coffee from this person?

You know,

So that I can like make my,

Be able to see all that is here,

What was here before,

How I've gotten here,

What's here now,

And just having some framework.

That's why it's so sweet that we have these topics and these things and why,

You know,

We're pretty spiritual.

Because we can take every little piece of our life and attempt to see it in a spiritual way,

In a way that we can,

Is deeper for us to really be here with what is and with our humanness.

Is that a tool?

I totally thought that was a tool.

You thought it was.

Every time I get done,

This is my mistrust of self which has been so fun to watch lately.

Oh my God,

It's getting insane.

Just like I'm like,

None of these were tools.

I'll get done editing and I'll be like.

Was I speaking in English?

Yeah,

There was no tool.

I didn't,

It's,

Wow,

It's deep and it's here and we're just practicing looking and that is a whole tool.

It sure is.

Thanks,

Pony.

Oh,

Oh,

Oh,

Ah,

Ah,

Okay,

Ah,

Ah,

Of course I have more.

Another tool that I learned about is the reverse to-do list and I thought this was so cool because.

Teach me.

Yes,

Yes,

I'm here for that.

I hear Ella when she says ought.

I do and I love it so much.

I have noticed it and I thought I ought to do that also.

I hope to try that.

I could possibly.

So the reverse to-do list is instead of having the list of all,

Because that's an expectation,

I'm expecting myself to get these 15 things done today.

Okay,

That's what my to-do list sound like.

So they're very the Punisher to-do list.

Here's how to hate yourself and 15 easy steps.

Okay,

The reverse to-do list is instead of focusing on what you need to do,

This is the process of recording what you've already completed.

So today,

For instance,

It's amazing.

I woke up on time.

Yeah.

So,

You know,

I got I got to do my morning routine,

Whatever that looks like of going and really exercising the demons out of me because that is a requirement for my mental wellness.

I've meditated for three minutes.

I helped my partner to the doctor.

It's the reverse to-do list.

It's like I'm already like,

Oh,

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah,

Really feeling it.

So thank you so much.

Yeah,

I love that tool.

Thank you,

Pony.

Thanks,

Pony.

How about you,

Annie?

I have a couple tools.

I'm so excited.

Yay.

Well,

Ella,

When you were talking when you did our introduction,

You were talking about expectations as a spirit,

Thinking about them in the context of a spiritual practice.

I was thinking about my will versus a higher power's will.

So it's like I come in,

I wake up like sometimes just running and gunning.

Like I wake up and I'm already thinking this is how I want it to be today.

This is how I'm going to feel.

This is what's going to happen.

Here's how I'll feel in regards to that.

This conversation will occur.

This is what I'll feel like.

I just have this whole you guys keep using the word agenda.

Like I keep having this agenda.

And when you're talking about it in the sense of a spiritual practice,

It's like coming back to this noticing that's expectation.

And also sometimes the word of like saying that's my will,

I have like expectation is my idea of how things are going to go.

This is my will,

Even if it's bad,

You know.

Because my expectations or my self will isn't always rooted in like me feeling good.

Sometimes it's the expectation that things are going to be bad.

And I've been saying this prayer a lot where I just say thy will not mine be done.

And I've been saying it a lot.

Especially there's a couple things usually at any given period in my life I'll have three things or maybe that I'll loop on,

You know.

And like those are the hot topics and I'll just be like vroom,

Circle,

Circle,

Circle.

And I'll set one down and I'll pick up the other one.

And so I've been noticing that and then saying that prayer.

And it's kind of it's giving me some ease.

I had this tool that I was using all the time.

And this is really the thing that got the three of us connected and kind of was like how we started doing our texts together.

Oh,

Thank you,

Goddess.

But Ella calls it a pre do.

I like that.

It's a cute name for it.

But I was writing this thing every morning and it was I would kind of write out what my goals were for the day.

And then I would write out what the challenges in my character that might be come up.

And then the third column I would write what some alternates I'm going to call them character defects,

What the alternates to those character defects might be.

And I was thinking of it in the context of expectations and how it can really temper my expectations.

So so I have a new writing client and I have an idea of what this is going to look like working with this person.

And but I haven't got my first assignment yet.

And so maybe when I get my first assignment,

How it could look as an example for doing this pre do is like I wake up and I'll say,

Oh,

I'm going to write this assignment for client X and the challenges in my character that can come up are like pride,

Ego,

Fear,

All my stuff that's going to be reactionary.

And then my alternatives can be like being in the moment,

Saying a prayer,

Being humble,

Just doing the job in front of me.

And that kind of stuff helps me notice where I even have expectations,

You know,

Like my expectation that I'm going to write something,

It will be perfect the first time.

I won't need to do any edits.

If the editor asks for edits,

It means I'm a terrible person.

Like it kind of helps take the air out of some of that stuff.

So I was thinking,

Oh,

Wow.

I really need to start writing that again,

Because it gave me a lot of peace,

You know,

For my day.

I was like,

Oh,

And as I'm doing it day by day,

I notice patterns,

You know,

So I'm like,

Oh,

These are things that I expect when I have a challenging conversation that it's going to go poorly.

And then I can start to get this evidence that like,

It's fine.

I can just trust that I'm OK and I can have hard conversations and then the next thing will happen.

And then the other tool is notice where you're uncomfortable.

So for me,

It was around being sick and then I can write down what my wants and needs are.

So I want someone to ask how I'm doing.

I want someone to offer to take care of me and then I can write down some ways to express that and then I can consider a good time to communicate it.

And for me,

When I'm sick,

Isn't a good time for me to communicate about my expectations because I have a really hard time talking at that point.

So writing is such a great tool.

So those are those are my tools.

Thinking about how I can turn it over to my higher power,

Setting up my pre do.

And then when I have unmet need,

That's due to a lack of communication and a relationship,

Writing out what my expectations are so I can even know what they are for myself first before I begin to ask them of somebody else.

Yay,

That is so helpful.

Thank you.

Friends,

Can I interject?

Yeah.

I want to let all of our beloved spiritual friendlies know that on Patreon,

We're going to be video recording our episode.

So if you want to support us,

If you feel compelled to do such things,

So we can pay for our microphones and our sound and our lights and all the things that we're doing.

If it's easy and fun and you want to do that,

You can become a member and then see our live videos unedited so you can see what it's like behind the curtain.

Just something fun we're playing around with right now for you all.

And also I wanted to offer that we will do a video where we show you how to actually do a pre do.

And so it's kind of an interactive place where we'll do some of our tools and it's gonna be a really fun little community where we get to show up and share and thank you Pony for sharing about the Patreon way to communicate our needs and wants.

What about you,

Ella?

When I was doing some research,

Some keyword research for SEO around this topic,

I found a key phrase happiness is reality minus expectations.

And I was like,

Oh my God,

Wrong.

Yeah,

Sure.

But we do have expectations,

You know,

So like,

How do we get there?

So for me,

Expectations are one of the biggest ways that I can come into contact with them is physically.

And you know,

Like I said,

There have been people in my life who are sharing with me the way my expectations are hurting them are interfering with our relationship.

So I have willingness,

Thankfully,

To examine that.

And I had one of the things I've been noticing is what it's like in the moment,

When I'm sitting with someone and those,

Those expectations are rising,

What does it feel like in my body?

And it's a lot of clenching,

Tightening,

Holding my breath.

And when I excavate a little into like,

What is this?

The very interesting thing is that it's all all of this tightness is centered around something that I think I'm right about that I think I have the correct information.

And the most ironic part is that a lot of these things are like,

About being right about spirituality.

And like,

I know the right way,

And you're not doing it,

You know,

So that is humbling.

When I'm looking at the root of like,

How to unclench and how to relax into being with someone who's right in front of me and loving the person they are and the person I am and just relaxing and easing into what's unfolding,

That's the place that I'm clenched up is that I have this really strong idea that I am right.

And so I noticed I'm clenched up,

My body gets my attention.

I feel that kind of clenching and tightness in my heart around my chest in my jaw.

I'll even be like clenching my hands or my hips.

When I notice that I start by kind of coming back seeing that that's happening.

So that's attention.

And then the tool that I've been using is to ask myself a question like,

What would it feel like in here right now in my body right now and myself right now,

If I didn't have to be right?

What what could be different right now if I didn't have to be right about this or if there was a different way,

If there was a different right way?

It's really humbling.

It's really humbling to see that I think I know the right way to do something and especially humbling that that thing is spirituality.

And then to be willing to abandon all of the things I think I'm right about to just be here.

And I've been thinking about before one of the reasons that I'm so grateful that I get to practice this first with other people is because when that clenching and judgment and being right stuff is happening inside myself about myself,

It's much murkier and harder to kind of parse through and see.

So when I get to practice with letting go of those behaviors and attitudes with other people,

What I'm also doing is learning how to soften with myself.

When I think I'm doing something that's not right,

I'm holding against myself.

I get really stuck in thinking that there's a right way that I should be doing something and I'm not doing it that way,

Therefore I can't love myself.

I was texting Annie and Lindsay this morning because there was this necklace on the internet that I really wanted.

It's going to solve all my problems.

I say only half jokingly and I texted them and then I was like,

I really want to buy this.

I'm reaching out.

I'm not going to buy it.

And then I bought it.

I lost control of my fingers.

I really,

I had a mini,

I don't know what.

And so now the practice is there's this thing I think I should do,

Which is not buy this necklace that I can't really afford.

And then I do that,

I do that thing.

So now how do I soften into being right where I'm at today?

How do I soften into loving the person who's here right now?

Because the person I think should be here right now isn't actually here right now,

You know?

So how do I love this one instead?

I'm experimenting with what is it like to really own like,

Yeah,

I love turquoise necklaces.

I love those things.

I have a bunch of them already.

But hey,

Fine collection.

Apparently I needed one more.

I really went for it.

So like,

What is it like to be cheerful and have a sense of humor about these places where I think that I'm,

I'm wrong or bad and there that shame is kind of the only appropriate response.

I'll end with saying that I was listening to a Dharma talk recently and one of my favorite teachers from Tassajara,

Her name is Leslie James.

And she likes to talk about how when we sit down to meditate,

Especially in Zazen and the practice of Zen meditation,

That what we're actually doing is taking a vow to be with this person right here.

Most of us probably don't think that we're doing that,

You know,

When we embark on a spiritual journey.

That was not my experience.

My experience was like,

My life is falling apart and I don't want to be alive anymore.

So what do I do?

What the heck?

I'll give it a try.

Yeah,

It turns out what I was actually doing was vowing to be with this person right here,

Just how she is and learn how to love her period.

And God,

That makes me want to cry.

It's so tender.

So oftentimes,

When I'm in that situation with another person,

The experience I'm having internally is,

You know,

This tightness and clenching and heart shutting down thing that I was talking about before.

It's the same toward myself.

So the version kind of of that question,

If for someone else I would ask myself,

What if I didn't have to be right about this,

And that can kind of like relax my heart.

When I'm holding against myself,

I ask myself,

Can I stand this?

So far,

The answer has always been yes,

Somehow,

Even when I think the answer is no.

Somehow I've always been able to stay.

If I haven't been able to stay,

I've been able to come back.

That was just such a succinct and beautiful way to talk about what a spiritual life looks like for me and it's how can I learn to love and relax into reality,

What's happening in this moment into the person I am today into loving all the beings around me,

Including myself and others just as we are.

When I notice the kind of heart tightening and clenching,

It means that there's an opportunity for me to grow and love for myself and others.

So just,

You know,

Real simple,

Real easy.

No bigs.

Check it off the to do list.

It's done.

Thank you guys so much for tuning in today.

We really miss being with you.

Annie,

What are we going to be talking about next week?

Well,

Next week,

We are going to talk about gratitude,

Which is really fun.

And we're grateful for you guys.

And we want you to connect with us on social media at Pretty Spiritual Podcast,

Or on our website at prettyspiritualpodcast.

Com.

It's so cool how you got that right.

I got it wrong the last time I was trying to.

You did perfect.

You were perfect.

And Pony talked about this new experiment where we're going to do a Patreon.

And so we're really excited about that.

And we will share in upcoming episodes about it and also put information on our social media so you can get the details.

And we look forward to seeing you next week.

Thanks for the topic,

Ellen.

Yay.

Love you.

Bye.

Reviews

This was so sad and beautiful for me to listen, thank you!

Thank you for sharing this. I went and followed on Spotify also! This was something I really needed today.