So to begin,
Let's just take a moment to settle.
So all the moments are to settle actually.
So all the moments after this are just to settle into the body as well.
But closing the eyes down,
Relaxing the shoulders,
Doing your best to tune into your body.
So really being here,
Being exactly where you are,
Tuning into the temperature around you,
Tuning into the texture of your breath as it moves in and out of the nostrils.
And let the body soften,
So really allowing the forehead muscles to soften,
The muscles around the jawline,
Relax the shoulders,
The chest,
And release the fear or the necessity to hold in the belly.
Let the belly just bulb out like a Buddha belly.
Relax the hips and allow them to really settle into the earth.
At any point in our daily lives when things get a bit too complex or the overwhelm comes or we numb out or dissociate,
We have an opportunity to seek refuge like a turtle by pulling our heads internally,
Closing our eyes,
And just coming into the shell that is the human body.
Really showing up for yourself in whatever may come up and slowing down,
Taking some breaths and returning to source,
Whatever that means for you,
Returning to your truth.
So behind all the human emotions,
Joy,
Ecstasy,
Grief,
Sadness,
Anger,
Rage,
Numbness,
Dissociation,
Is just a cool pool of water that can be affected and become a tidal wave or it can be like still water in a pond.
But just visualizing that internally and at any point that you need to come back to that place.
Just shutting the eyes down,
Coming into breath and arriving.
So let's take a deep breath in,
A honest sigh out.
And as we come into this talk today on our fierce boundaries,
On learning to say no,
On staying true to ourselves,
Feel free to stay in that meditative space with the eyes closed.
If you feel that you want the eyes open,
You can have them open whenever you're ready.
You can just bring the eyes back into the space,
But I encourage you to look around and orient yourself to your space.
Notice anything new in the space in a new way.
Just like in our daily lives,
When that overwhelm comes or that frustration,
Maybe a boundary is breached or trust is lost,
We can immediately go into reaction.
And so this practice of orientation is an opportunity when something is overstimulating or numbing for us to look at our spaces in new ways,
Noticing,
Really observing,
Witnessing,
And reminding ourselves that we are safe.
And if that means closing the eyes many times to come into breath,
To soften the body,
Reminding ourselves that we have that refuge,
That turtle shell,
So that when we open ourselves and open our eyes and orient,
That we know that we can come back to that anchor within ourselves.
So today's topic comes at a perfect time as it does,
Where my own life weaves into the conversations that I bring to the surface.
And this topic I feel is so very important for all of us,
Whether we're in female bodies,
Whether we're in male bodies,
Whether we associate in whatever sense that we associate the masculine and feminine in each human body carries different characteristics and possibilities and kind of concoctions.
And they each project into the external world in a unique and myriad of ways.
For so many of us that really are connected to the feminine and our bodies,
And that doesn't mean that we have to be in a female body,
But we are more passive and more submissive.
We surrender,
We pacify,
We are complacent in some ways,
And we allow,
You know,
The feminine is allowing energy.
And in the world that we live in,
That has a very consumerist nature,
That is very much steeped in production and creativity and moving,
You know,
That dynamic nature of life of keep going,
Move forward,
Progression is creating,
Progression is consuming,
You know,
Progression is evolving in the material sense.
At some point for those that are deeply,
Deeply connected to the feminine,
And that really embody that mentally and physically,
Many times our needs can go unnoticed by ourselves.
We may forget that we even have needs,
We may not find out that we have needs until much later in life,
When we are used to submitting and allowing and surrendering.
And the damage of this is that the moment that we begin to realize that we have the right to say no,
And that we have the opportunity to actually speak our needs into experience,
It will shake up our world,
It will create ripples,
Because if we have been coming from a place of being more pacifying,
Then those that are used to us wearing that specific hat are going to have a really hard time allowing us out of that frame of mind.
So whether we've worked in a job for 10 years,
Five years,
Whether we've been in a relationship for four years,
10 years,
20 years,
Whether we've been a mother or a father,
Or a father,
And we have always given and surrendered for 10 years,
20 years,
30 years,
All of those eco structures,
Those social structures of connection with our loved ones,
With our collaborators,
With our work,
Will want us to stay in that box because it is easier for them to define how they connect with you when you remain the same,
When you remain static,
When you become something for them to experience themselves through in a certain way.
So this is the difference of speaking our boundaries when we're coming from that place of the feminine.
Now,
Coming from the place of the masculine,
Again,
This doesn't mean that you have to be in a male body.
If you are a woman that identifies more with your masculine,
And you have consistently in a male body or a female body been so independent and have never said what your needs were,
And never spoken that you even had needs because you are so sovereign,
You are so independent,
You are so self-sufficient that you would not ever ask anybody else for help,
And you would not want to ask anybody else for help.
When you start to realize that you also have needs,
This can be very challenging because those that have put you in that box of the masculine caring for his own needs might all of a sudden think that there are too many needs,
There are too many emotions,
That you are meant to be this static anchoring,
You know,
Aspect.
And so to have these needs and to have this feminine quality of like speaking that you have needs in this softening can be very confronting for those that are used to you being the anchor and taking less.
So when we become fierce in our boundaries,
When we become fierce in our speaking to our needs,
It can create some big ripples in our worlds.
It can create some really big ripples.
And the beauty of this is many times the ripples that we're going to see are the most superficial.
So in our relationships when they have expected us to be a certain way,
And we've done that for quite some time,
And I'm not saying that these relationships are superficial,
But meaning the ones that you're going to see.
So people are going to either reject or accept the shift,
And so you will see that.
But on a very subtle level,
What we don't recognize for some time is that when we tune in to the depth of speaking our truth and knowing what our needs are,
Something within us transforms.
There's an alchemization.
There is a changing and a shifting within us where the inner parts of ourselves,
The protectors,
The managers,
The exiles,
The little children in us that have so desired to be held,
So desired to be respected,
So desired to be seen and to be given space to,
They start to trust us more because they see that we are finally speaking for them.
So we're not just speaking for myself as a whole.
We're speaking for all these different parts,
And when we begin to put those needs out into the external world,
Even if they are rejected,
The parts inside of us that hear us making those requests say,
Okay,
They're on our team now.
Now they're on our team.
They're speaking up for us.
So imagine yourself as a family,
And there's this one centrifuge that everybody in the world knows.
It's like the president,
The CEO of us,
And that part always gets to speak,
And all the parts inside,
Some go,
Yay,
And some parts go,
Oh,
Okay,
He or she did it again.
Okay,
They started to say,
Okay,
They still don't hear me.
Okay,
They're never going to see this desire I have or this need that I have,
But when we begin to speak for those parts by speaking for ourselves and knowing that we have the right to say no and that we can be fierce in our needs,
That internal family becomes more integrated.
Those parts of us begin to trust us,
And what we'll look like in our behavior is slowly over time as we speak our truth,
More confidence,
More clarity in vision,
More true living where we become more authentic in the ways that we show up in our work,
In the ways that we show up in our relationships,
In the ways that we show up for ourselves.
So where this is going to become tricky,
And it is tricky saying no in a world that wants you to say yes,
In a world that markets for you to say yes,
In a world that wants you to say,
Yes,
I'll buy that,
Or yes,
I'll do that,
Or yes,
Give me that job,
Or give me that other thing.
Yes,
I'll work overtime.
Yes,
I'll be more selflessly serving.
We live in a world that wants to hear us say yes.
So when we step out into a world that doesn't want to hear our no,
We have to understand that a lot of people are going to take this very personally.
A lot of people are going to take our no's as personal,
And what we have to know and remind the people in our lives is that when we set a boundary,
It's not because we want to push somebody out of our lives or something or some system.
It's because we are reconfiguring the walls within us in order to keep that thing within.
So that system,
That person,
That situation,
When we set a boundary,
It's not because we're saying no to it.
We're saying in order for this to be in my life,
This is what I need to have established.
And so if you're in a relationship and you find it really difficult to speak your no's and to have boundaries,
It's important to let your partner or your collaborator or whoever you work with know that me setting and establishing this boundary is a lifeline.
This is a bridge because if this bridge is not built and this line is not established,
I can no longer be in this relationship.
I can no longer be in this collaborationship.
So this boundary is an ally for this connection.
This is not a bad thing.
This is a good thing to bring to the situation.
And something that also is so important to understand is that when somebody says no to you,
Don't take it as them saying no to you.
Take it as them saying yes to themselves.
The same for you.
When you are saying no to someone,
It's not really that you're saying no to them.
It is that you are saying yes to yourself.
You are saying yes to what is right for you.
And so this is very important to say as well.
Because when we are in relationship to another person,
And I've had this said to me before when I've established deep boundaries and I've said no,
No,
No,
I have been told before that I was being difficult,
That I was being challenging,
That maybe even I was being violent.
And you will be told that by people that are used to you staying pacifying.
People that want you to be passive.
And it is important to mix nonviolent communication with boundary setting yes.
We don't want to go,
I'm doing this,
This and that because you're this,
This and that.
We want to make sure that it's all about us.
When we're setting a boundary,
We're setting it because it's all about us in that moment,
Meaning we're not projecting onto the other person that I'm establishing this because you're this.
No,
I'm establishing,
And I'll give an example,
In the mornings when I wake up,
It's really necessary for me to have silence.
It is very necessary for me to sit in meditation and to be with myself.
It is very necessary for me to have spaciousness to connect with my practice,
To move in my body,
To do yoga.
So this is a boundary that I have for the mornings that when I wake up,
I need silence.
I need separation.
I need a place to just come into myself to really wake up with myself.
Now this is really different.
So I'm saying that in a nonviolent way.
This is how I would state that to a partner or a roommate,
Somebody that I'm living with.
And it was all about me.
I didn't bring anybody else into the picture.
I'm only saying what I need in the morning for myself.
The way that this can be considered violent or disruptive in an interrelational dynamic is if I say,
I just need you to be quiet in the morning.
Can you just not talk?
Like I need you to not talk.
I don't want to see you.
Like I really just,
I need to be by myself.
I don't want to hear you.
I don't want to see you.
I just need to be in my space.
And the thing is,
Is that second variation is very common.
Why?
Because we don't state our boundaries.
We don't say what our boundaries are.
We don't know how to speak up for ourselves.
So when we finally do,
It's done with such vehemence,
Such frustration,
Such overwhelm,
Because all those parts inside are screaming at some point because we have gone away from our boundaries or we didn't know what they were,
Or we've overextended ourselves to the point that we can no longer take it.
And so then we project it out into the world and we make it about the other person when it's not about them.
Regardless,
If they wake up in the morning and they play music or they're loud,
Or they go make tea or coffee and they're fumbling around in the kitchen,
It's not really about them.
It's about you haven't created the space for your own boundaries.
So now your anger is being projected on them and it's not their fault.
So it's no one's fault that they cross your boundaries.
If you don't say what your boundaries are and you don't state them.
So whether you're in a relationship now that has been for one day or 10 years,
Or the same with a job,
You always have the right to shift how you relate to that person or that situation.
So you can have a conversation non-violently once again,
But stern and fierce in your boundaries by saying,
I know that we've related in a certain way for quite some time,
But that's no longer working for me.
The way in which we relate is no longer working for me.
And here is why I have realized.
And then we go into what the boundaries are.
I have realized I need to have more space to myself.
I have realized,
And I'm giving you examples that might hit some of you and not others,
But maybe at another time,
You know,
Maybe you're in a relationship and you say,
I realize I need to live in my own space.
I realize I actually really need to sleep in my own bed by myself.
Sometimes that's really precious to me.
I realize I need to spend more time with my friends.
I'm spending a lot less time with my friends and that makes me sad.
I really need to spend more time with them.
I realize that I might be a little codependent and this is where we don't bring it into the other person.
We don't project that we know that they're also codependent or maybe that they are,
They have a tendency to control.
But in that moment,
We can say and take back our power by saying,
I realize I'm codependent and I need to and I need to be more sovereign,
Which means I need more spaciousness.
I need my own place.
I need my own projects.
I need to spend more time with my friends.
And these are things that by saying them can make a relationship have a huge ripple.
But if you noticed how I said that it had nothing to do with the other person.
I didn't say you're controlling.
You're always around.
You never give me space.
You don't let me hang out with my friends.
That's not how we communicate.
If we want to do it in a way that's respectful,
But fierce.
And so we make it about ourselves because when I say that to somebody,
I need my own space.
I need to live on my own.
I need to spend more time with my friends.
I need to have silence in the morning.
They are not,
And they may,
They're going to have a lot less to fight you back on that because it really doesn't have anything to do with them.
It has to do with you.
So this is going to be challenging when we have mother daughter relationships,
Or when we have really long partnerships where we've played into certain dynamics for so long,
But this is the fierceness of it.
The fierceness is getting so clear in your communication with what you are willing to be in and what you are not willing to be in and being an ally to yourself and being vigilant about putting that into the world.
I have so many clients and friends that I work with and communities that speak to how much power their parents still have over them.
How much power their partners have over them.
How much power their jobs have over them.
And they feel powerless to situations.
They feel defeated as if they can't shift the dynamics,
But we are human beings.
We are adaptable.
We are resilient.
And even though we might not like it,
Even though we might want consistency and we might want something to stay the same,
When given a situation where we don't have the opportunity for things to change or to stay the same,
We will adapt.
So think about natural catastrophes and death and loss when we are grieving things that we don't want to happen.
If we choose to,
We survive in those situations.
We persist.
We move forward because we have to.
We don't choose when someone that we love dies,
When a parent dies or a friend dies.
And this is a big,
A big part of the human experience is death.
But when it happens,
We have to move forward.
So if we can live through that,
If we can live through losing the people that we love the most,
Losing and like the pandemic,
Losing our rights to freely move about the world for a period of time,
When we can when we can go through that,
We can go through speaking our boundaries and at first faltering through them.
But we will survive in that moment.
That is not a moment of death.
That is a moment of death of what was.
But we can still live after that and it will be hard and it will hurt feelings and people may take it personally.
But the more that we practice being fierce in our boundaries,
The easier it becomes and the more nonviolent it becomes.
Because in the beginning,
We might be fighting so hard for ourselves,
Our internal selves,
That our words are very cutting and they have edges and there are swords drawn because we have for so long submitted or we for so long have held and just been the anchor on other either side.
It can be very difficult,
You know,
For the one that has constantly surrendered and given their power away.
It can be infuriating when it finally comes out.
And for the one that is always held and never asked for anything and just given space,
It can be infuriating to feel not seen and to feel like,
But I did all this.
How do you not see that?
And so we can be coming from two sides of the spectrum where somebody feels like such the victim and somebody feels like such the perpetrator.
And we project and we project on each other.
It's your fault.
It's your fault.
But again,
When we don't speak our boundaries,
It's no one's responsibility,
But ours.
If somebody oversteps your boundaries over and over and over and over,
Are they really your perpetrator or have you not spoken up for yourself?
And this is not to excuse true behavior that is controlling and that pushes us to the edges when we've spoken our boundaries.
But it is to say to step out of that victim consciousness in a lot of ways is to become fierce in your boundaries because people that are in front of you,
Not all of them,
Most are not telepathic.
They do not know what's happening in your mind.
Most are not even empathic.
They do not know what you're feeling in your body.
You have to speak your experience into the room so people understand what they need to do in order to care for you and to support you.
I cannot support you if I don't know what you need in order to feel supported.
I can only project what I think that you need.
And actually,
When I project what I think that you need and I try to help you,
I might be overstepping your boundaries.
So this is the conversation we need to be having in our living rooms and our bedrooms around sexuality,
Around relationship,
Around how we work.
We need to start speaking about what we like and what we don't like.
And the same thing in sexuality.
I have heard so many feminine beings,
And again,
That does not just mean female bodies,
Speak to the fact that they have so many times said yes when they meant no.
And so many on the other side of that,
Whether in a male body or female body,
Taking it in because no one said no.
And if they didn't say no,
Then maybe they meant yes.
And so it is so important for you to know in these spaces,
Especially around sexuality,
When you are not fierce in your boundaries and you say yes,
When you're a maybe or when you're a no,
Your body is going to stop trusting you.
Your body is going to think,
Oh,
He or she is doing it again.
And this is not what we want.
And this is going to lead in some cases to disassociation.
When you're not even in your sexuality,
You're not even enjoying it because you're not saying what you need.
You're not saying what your boundaries are.
And so I really encourage you all to be courageous in your truth,
To be courageous in your boundaries,
To be fierce.
And if that means people saying that you're challenging or that you're difficult,
Especially when you've been a certain way so long and they're like,
Wow,
You're really difficult now,
Or you're really angry,
You seem really angry all the time.
Do your best to not take that personal because that has nothing to do with you.
That has everything to do with them not getting things the way that they want them and them not being able to see the shift in you and being able to allow that.
But that does not mean that you have to stay in a box or that you have to please people.
You no longer have to please people.
I think we're in a time where we don't have to people please anymore.
We're in a time of rippling out and add your affect into life.
You know,
Wake up each day and add your affect to the pool of affects.
Meaning that's all that the human experience is,
Is 8 billion people waking up each day and putting their affect into the pool of the human experience.
Meaning we all do actions that create consequences.
We all participate in life.
So participate in the way that's honest and truthful to you.
What do you need?
What do you want?
And what are your boundaries?
What do you not want to do anymore?
What do you not want to put up with anymore?
And how can you speak that into your experiences without making it about the other person or making it about the system or making it about your boss or your children or your partner?
But what do you need?
And so that,
That is the fierceness.
Fierceness is not violence.
Fierceness is not projecting.
Fierceness is not finger pointing.
Fierceness is not blaming.
But fierceness is being so in integrity with yourself and with your truth.
Because in all honesty,
The only thing that we can really do in this life within control is to control how we care for ourselves,
How we hear our thoughts,
How we work with our mind,
How we listen to our bodies.
This is the only family.
This is the only system that we truly have any control over.
And so make that the most important priority of your day is what does this system that is me need?
What is this system that I need once?
And what are my boundaries?
And so do know that as you start to speak in this fierceness,
That you might run with it.
You might run so far ahead that you've got all the boundaries.
You've got all the needs.
And all of a sudden you're putting everything on the table and it can be overwhelming for your world.
So just know if your systems,
Your external family systems,
And your work and your friendships,
If they start to feel overwhelmed by that,
Do your best to respect your fierce boundaries and your knows,
But slowly,
Slowly,
Especially if you haven't been speaking them for decades,
Go slow.
You know,
It's going to take time for your systems,
Your interrelational systems to adapt to that.
And so just know that there is a learning curve that if at first your partner or your loved ones or your job is not able to accept the boundaries,
You just keep going with love and empathy,
But you keep speaking your truth until it becomes their truth about you,
But give it time and patience because in a world that really pushes us to be followers,
To become the leader of self,
To become the leader of you,
People are going to push against it.
People are not going to know that they're doing it.
It might be a subconscious behavior,
But they're going to want you to get back in your box.
And they might even convince you that this new you is going to keep people away or it's going to push opportunities away.
They might try to convince you from the subconscious to get back in your box and to fall into line and to follow.
And it's your opportunity in this moment,
Not to point the finger at them and say,
I see what you're doing.
You don't even see what you're doing,
But notice the insidious behavior of the global system to put you into that box to follow and choose,
Choose to lead even when it's difficult.
And even because it is difficult,
Choose to lead.
It will not be an easy journey.
And friends may follow you,
Systems may fall away.
You may decide that the life that you have with you at the moment is not the vision for you in the future.
And so things may fall,
Things may unfold,
But just know that you will survive.
You will move through it,
That you are adaptable and resilient,
No matter the shifts and changes and the moving away froms that it creates.
