5 Reasons Smart Men Struggle In Relationships

20:45

5 Reasons Smart Men Struggle In Relationships

by Noah Elkrief

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4.7

Type

talks

Activity

Meditation

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Everyone

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14

If you’re a smart, logical man, you’ve probably wondered why relationships feel harder than they should. You know how to solve problems, communicate clearly, and get results. So why do small things turn into arguments, or leave her feeling like you don’t understand her? In this track, you’ll discover the five hidden patterns that quietly create those outcomes, even when you’re doing your best. Once you recognize them, things start to make a lot more sense and become much easier to handle.

Relationships Self Worth Emotional Intelligence Emotional Support Fear Relationship Challenges

Meet your Teacher

New York, NY, USA

Meet your Teacher

New York, NY, USA

Transcript

Are you a smart man struggling in a relationship? While it might seem counterintuitive, Smart men are very, Very often struggling in relationships. It would seem as though if we're smart. . . We would find a solution to make relationships easy and loving and to get full value from them. After all. . . We take pride in that we can find solutions to problems. That we can solve difficulties. And it's worked maybe at school and in our careers. But in relationships, The same. . . Strategies and tactics that have worked in other aspects of our lives. Don't just not work in relationships, They create problems in relationships. So my name is Noah Elkrief. I'm the author of a number one bestselling counseling book. And I've been helping smart analytical men in one-on-one sessions since 2010. And I've come across a wide variety of different themes and common issues that smart men have in relationships And the issue is when we don't know what to do. Our problems are. If we don't see the underlying themes that our intelligence and analytical way of thinking is sabotaging our relationship, You can't fix it. If we don't know what our downsides are, What our blind spots are. We can't fix it. And these don't create massive problems all at once, It just slowly erodes the trust, Love, Closeness, And affection in relationships until relationships are just distant, Disconnected, You know, Logistical. Comforting places that aren't filled with the joy and love and affection and sexuality that we all want. Not to mention that it can feel easier and lighter. So here are the five. Most common, More or less, Ways that smart men struggle in relationships. So the first one is. As smart men, Most of us Seek our self-worth based on our performance. As children and throughout all our schooling system, Most of us got more love, More attention, More kindness, More rewards when we performed well. Whether that's getting a good grade at school, Knowing the answer to a problem. Outperforming in sports, Winning a game, Being the highest scorer. We learn that we get loving rewards and affection when we perform well. So what does that do in relationships? Well, The impact that it has on relationships is that we equate being right to being worthy of love. We equate knowing the answer to being worthy of love. And what that does is. . . When we don't know the answer, When we were wrong, When we misunderstood our girlfriend or wife, When we weren't there for her in the way that she wants us to be. It's hard for us to admit I was wrong. I misunderstood. I'm sorry. Instead we want to defend ourselves and maybe blame her. Might want to say if she says, I didn't feel like you heard me. You say, I was just listening. I can repeat back exactly what you said. Versus Oh, I'm sorry that I didn't hear you the way that you wanted to be heard. Because If we failed in some way, Yeah, If she wants us to listen in a particular way or take care of her emotion a particular way and we didn't do it. We feel like a failure. Right, Because we're looking for our self-worth, Our lovability, Based on our performance. Versus that I deserve love for being who I am, Even if I fail, Even if I make a mistake, Even if I don't do it correctly. So when we're measuring our worth based on our performance, It's hard to admit when we're wrong. It's hard to admit when we didn't understand. It's hard to admit when we didn't do what they wanted us to do. And that gets in the way of love and connection. It gets in the way of ease. It creates conflict. It pushes away our partner when she wants to be understood. So in addition, It very often makes us feel inadequate or like a failure. So as a boyfriend, As a husband, We look for our worth. Based on whether our partner's happy. If she's happy, It's like I'm succeeding. I did good. I'm a great, Successful boyfriend or husband. And if she's unhappy, It seems to be a sign that we're a failure, Which can lead to a lot of feelings of inadequacy. And feeling like a failure if she's unhappy, Instead of recognizing that she's happy. Her happiness or unhappiness. Isn't our fault, Or even if we messed up and it is, It doesn't mean we're less worthy or less lovable. So that's number one. And yeah, If we don't address it, It just eats away at the goodness, The love, And the ease in the relationship. So the second issue we're going to talk about is hyperindependence. And what that means is basically, As children, For a lot of us smart men, We learned I can do it. I don't need anyone. So a lot of the times. Successful men. The reason we're successful, In part, Is because Our parents. Didn't support us the way they should have. They didn't. Maybe we needed help with something as a child. Maybe we were scared and we needed them to come. Maybe we needed food and we needed them to come. Maybe we needed support with homework. In various ways, It is very common that our parents weren't there for us, Even if we had great parents and a great childhood. And we learn, I don't need anyone. I can do it alone. I don't need your help. Yeah, Maybe you recognize this pattern from your childhood. If your parents offered support, You said, I don't need you. I can do it. And it's a beautiful identity to form of, I don't need anyone. I can do it. I am capable. And that's often why we succeed. However, In relationships, It creates a very, Very big problem. Because when we feel I don't need her, I can do it alone, We're pushing her away. We block. Support. Maybe she wants to. Take care of us if we're stressed from work. And she asks us like, How's it going? We say, I'm fine, I'm fine. Don't worry about it. I got it under control. We're blocking her. From an opportunity to give us love and care. We're blocking her from an opportunity to be valuable to us. We might think we're saving her from a burden. We might think sharing our stress or sharing our difficulty is going to bring her down, And we don't want to do it. Or we might think, I don't need her. And we might think that's strong and I'm self-sufficient. And of course, Being self-sufficient is beautiful in one way. It gives us a powerful identity, However, In relationship. A very key aspect of relationship is the love and warmth and closeness and interconnectedness and interdependence. So if you're only to supporting her and she's never supporting you, This creates resentment on your side and it creates inadequacy on her side that she feels, What am I doing here? I have no value. I don't support him. He doesn't let me in. He doesn't let me see his struggle. And you feel drained or maybe Like it's not fair because you support her and she doesn't support you. This beautiful skill or identity or way of being that is, I can do it, I don't need anyone, Might serve us in some ways in our work. But isn't supporting us in our relationship to feel closeness and warmth and for our partner to feel loved and valued and to have closeness. And as you may have discovered, When our girlfriend or wife doesn't feel closeness with us, It makes her upset. It makes her feel abandoned. It makes her feel rejected, Unseen, Unvalued. And that's going to create trauma and problems in the relationship. So the third thing is that. As smart analytical logical men. We've been trained to listen to the words that speak. Other people speak instead of to the feelings behind what they're saying. To be logical to solve problems, We're very sharp at listening to the words. But it's a completely different language and skill to listen to the emotions that are underneath the words. OK, And it's a skill in language. That takes time to develop based on our capacity to listen to our own emotions. Okay, So for example. Maybe your wife or girlfriend says to you, Ah, It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, It's fine. And we hear, It doesn't matter to me, It's fine. But the energetics underneath it. Might be, I need you to take care of me, Or it's not fine, But we can't read it. We don't sense it because we're so used to analyzing and listening to words. We expect that someone's just going to be honest. Someone's going to be direct and clear in their communication. That's what people do at work. That's what people did at school. That's what the guy people you know do. But women are different. They express emotionally. So she might say, For example, I hate my job. And we say. Well then just quit or do this or do that. And we think we're doing great. We're listening to her words. She said, I hate my job, And I'm offering a solution. But what we don't hear is the emotion underneath it, That maybe she's saying, I'm sad or I'm frustrated. Can you hold me? Can you feel me? Can you validate me? I understand why you feel that way. We don't understand these subtle emotional bids for connection. We don't understand these subtle requests for closeness and validation because we're so disconnected from those parts within ourselves. Part of the reason why we're smart a lot of the times is because we spend more percentage of our days in our head than in our body, In our emotions. And so we've learned to develop the skill of the mind, Thinking, But we haven't learned to develop the skill of emotion because we don't spend much time in emotions. And therefore, When a partner says, I feel so lonely. We hear, I'm right next to you. What do you mean you feel lonely? Instead of hearing, She feels lonely. She wants to be loved. She wants to be hugged. What can I do for you? This is an issue that requires some deep work to unravel, Which I deal with in the course. But if we don't deal with it. If we don't address this every time that our girlfriend or wife is subtly making a bid or request for emotional support, And we don't hear it, And we try to solve her, Fix her, Just think nothing's wrong, She feels rejected, She feels abandoned, A part of her heart closes, And she treats us less nice. She has more passive aggressiveness, More resentment. She's less likely to be sexual, Less likely to be playful. And when we can hear her, When we start understanding her subtle emotional requests instead of just listening to her words, Then. . . We're there for her. We give her love. We give her the support she needs. And magically, She's going to treat us much, Much better. Yeah, You might think your girlfriend or wife is dramatic. Chaotic. Not kind, Passive-aggressive, Always moody, But a lot of her, The way she treats us and a lot of her emotional stuff is due to her not receiving the type of emotional support she's looking for from us. Okay, That takes us to the fourth one. Which is connected. Number four is. . . We don't know how to comfort her emotions. And this is such an important piece of the puzzle in relationship that so many smart analytical men have no idea about. And like I said before, A lot of the times the reason why we're analytical and smart is because we disconnected from our emotions as a child. So a lot of times as a child, When we shared emotions, Our parents maybe were like, Toughen up, Or. . . Didn't give us love in it or like you're being too dramatic or. . . You know, Get your shit together, Basically like that. And so we're unfamiliar with receiving emotional support. When we're crying, They got mad at us or frustrated with us. And when we're unfamiliar with receiving emotional support. We're uncomfortable with giving emotional support. We don't really know how. Or even put differently, Or another aspect of it, Is we're uncomfortable being with emotions. So if our emotions made our parents uncomfortable, Maybe when we felt sad, Our parents felt like a failure or it was overwhelming for them to watch us sad. So they just were like, Get over it. Come on. It's okay. Let me make you feel better. Then we don't develop this. Incredibly important skill of being with someone while they're in pain. So if our girlfriend is sad. . . If we have this issue, Which a lot of us smart men do, We feel uncomfortable while she's sad. Maybe we feel like a failure. Maybe we feel, I don't know, Just uncomfortable to see her sad. Maybe we feel awkward. We don't know how to handle it. So we withdraw. We shut down. Or maybe we just try to fix her. No, I'll make it better. Why are you thinking it that way? You need to think it this way. Think about it that way. So it's very hard for us as men sometimes to be with a woman in her emotions. If she's scared, If she's frustrated, If she's depressed or anxious or worried. We immediately try to fix or disconnect. Because to just love her in her emotions feels like uncomfortable for us. We don't know how to just be with her in an emotion. We know how to solve it. Or try to push it down, Which is invalidating. Or, No, There's nothing to worry about. It'll be fine. But women want to be validated and held in their emotions. So if your girlfriend or wife is scared or sad, We think they want us to solve it, But actually they want Can you just hold me in it? Like I just feel so sad. And then we hold them. Yes, Express your sadness. I see you that you feel sad. I see you that you're scared. And give them space to express and let out their emotion. The way that women resolve emotional issues is by expressing it and letting it out, Releasing it from their system, As opposed to Fixing the logic of why they're wrong in their head that of the. Thought or belief that causes their emotion. Is that clear? So this is really about. . . Intelligent men lacking the emotional literacy or the the the embodied natural way to comfort someone while they're experiencing an emotion. And obviously, When our girlfriend or wife doesn't feel she's getting the love and care and nurture when she's in emotional pain, This breeds resentment, Frustration, Annoyance. And then when we're struggling in one way or another, She's not going to want to support us. So you can see how this erodes relationships over time, Not all at once. But it either creates a conflict, Like she's upset with us that we're not handling her emotions well, Or it builds up inside and we just get more distant from our partner, Losing all the main benefits from being in a relationship in the first place. Which takes us to the last issue, Which is, I don't know, Maybe the most intense issue. Or the most obvious one. Except it's subtle what's causing it. The fifth issue is. . . Let's call it a fear of our wife or girlfriend's anger or disappointment. It is very, Very common. That even though we're very, Very smart, We fear our wife or girlfriend being angry or disappointed. Maybe we're not aware that we fear it. But it might show up as difficulty saying no. She wants us to go out with her for dinner. We don't really feel like it, But we do anyhow. She wants us to go to her family's house. We don't want to, But we say yes anyhow. So it's difficult to say no to things that we don't want to do. Why? We're afraid of her being upset. We're afraid of her anger. We're afraid of her frustration. We're afraid of her creating a problem. We're afraid of. . . Her being disappointed with us. And When we're afraid of her anger or disappointment, We do things we don't want to do. Which is annoying to do things we don't want to do. It creates resentment in us, It creates frustration in us, It bothers us, And we could be spending our time doing other things. Also, We give our energy when we don't want to. Maybe she wants us to take care of her emotions, And we don't feel like it. So we lose energy. We're drained of our time and energy when we want to be doing something different. Not to mention that we can walk on eggshells, Which isn't fun. We don't express ourselves honestly and clearly. Yeah, We feel responsible for her emotions and we give more of ourselves than we desire. And the reason why this happens that most men have no idea about is it's a remnant from our childhood. Often got angry at us and was tough on us, Punished us, Yelled at us. Or just was harsh. We can live in fear of a woman's anger. That our girlfriend or wife's anger is too much. We can't handle it. We don't know how to deal with it. And when we don't know how to deal with our wife or girlfriend's anger, It creates problems. So one is, Like I said, We're afraid to say no, And we walk on eggshells and do things we don't want to do. But the other way is that when she expresses anger, Frustration, Disappointment, We immediately get defensive. Right? No, I didn't do anything wrong. Or why are you angry? Which creates a conflict or an argument or a fight. Or we run away. We become avoidant, Disconnected. I don't want conflict. I don't want to deal with this. And we think we're being the mature one, But we're actually just being a scared little boy. So when our mother was tough or harsh, This is the way that it can manifest as unsafety in our body. Results in us either running away or doing things we don't want to do so she doesn't get angry. Or B, Being reactive and defending ourselves and protecting ourselves. Which is we only enter into fight mode when we feel unsafe, Right? Fight or flight happens when we feel unsafe. We might think we're strong, But if we need to be aggressive or loud, It means we feel unsafe deep down. And the other thing, The other cause can be that our mother as a child was very loving and kind to us and we just really didn't want to disappoint her. And if that goes unresolved, Then we're just playing out the same things from our childhood with our girlfriend where we don't want to upset her. We want her to be happy. We don't want her to be upset. So we do things we don't want to do because we don't want her to be disappointed. We don't want her to be unhappy. And of course, There's something healthy and beautiful about not wanting our partner to be upset. But we have to put ourselves first. Which is something a lot of sweet, Nice guys don't understand. And that sweet, Nice guy thing isn't genuine. It's coming from the fear of our mothers. Attack, Blame, Punishment, Or losing our mother's love.