Why Love Isn't Enough To Stay In A Relationship

Are you staying in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship because you love your partner or because they love you? This talk can help you to see the relationship more clearly by explaining why love is of very little importance to whether it makes sense to stay in a relationship.

Transcript

Hello,

I'm Noah Elkrief,

And today I'd like to share with you why love isn't enough to stay in a relationship.

Or put differently,

Why no matter how much your partner loves you,

And no matter how much you love them,

That's not enough of a reason to stay in a relationship.

And the reason why I'm making this video is because I keep having clients who stay in relationships that aren't healthy or aren't happy,

But they stay in it because they think,

I know my partner loves me,

Or I really love them.

So they're staying in unhappy or unhealthy relationships with the excuse that I love them or they love me,

Or both.

So can you relate to this?

Do they love you or are you in a relationship where you really love them or they really love you,

But yet you know it's not happy or it's not healthy in some ways?

If so,

Then this video might be really helpful for you.

So let's get to it.

The first thing is the confusion around whether your partner loves you.

So you might be really clear in your head or in your heart or in your intuition,

I know they love me.

I know it.

But the question is,

What value is that?

Who cares whether they love you?

I know that might seem radical or strange,

But really,

What value does it give you that they love you?

The value is,

Can they express the love?

Do they have access to the love?

Do they feel the love?

Do they act from the love?

Not do they love you somewhere deep inside?

To explain this point,

Imagine that you have a mother or a father.

A mother really loves their son so deeply,

Right,

Like most mothers,

If not all mothers do.

I love my son more than anything in the world.

But in a moment if she's angry and she hits the son,

What does the son feel?

Does the son feel the love?

No,

The son feels the anger,

The fear,

The pain,

Right?

Not the mother's love.

So their actions weren't coming from love.

The actions were an expression of anger,

Punishment energy,

Fear,

Whatever it is.

And now let's take it a step further back.

The mother may love the son,

But if the mother yells at the son,

What does the child feel?

Does the child feel the love?

Or does the child feel the annoyance,

The harshness and the fear?

Let's take it a step further.

What if the mother is not yelling,

So not raise the voice,

But the tone of voice has judgment in it or harshness in it or something like that.

So if underneath it,

When the mother's talking to the son,

It's like,

What's wrong with you?

Why would you do that?

You're so stupid or you're bothering me.

Then no matter what words she speaks,

The energy that the child is receiving is,

I'm not enough.

They don't love me,

Or they're annoyed with me,

Or they don't want me around,

Right?

And let's take it a step even further.

What if the mother isn't saying anything at all to the child,

But in their energy is,

I don't want to be around my child.

I want space from them.

I don't like them right now.

I can't deal with them right now.

I'm too stressed.

I'm too overwhelmed.

I'm too sad,

Whatever the case may be.

So what does the child feel?

Does the child feel the love from mother?

No,

The child feels,

They don't want me around.

They don't like me.

They don't want to spend time with me.

So how much the mother loves the child is absolutely irrelevant.

Every mother loves their child,

But the question is,

How does the mother treat their child physically,

Verbally,

Emotionally,

Energetically?

Because what the child is receiving is the treatment,

The energetic,

Emotional,

Verbal,

Physical treatment.

So you have a partner,

And you say,

I know they love me.

And you say it as if it matters,

As if it's so important.

It's such a big thing that someone could love you.

But the important thing isn't whether they love you or how much they love you.

The important thing is,

Can they treat you with love?

Physically do they treat you with love?

Verbally do they treat you with love?

Emotionally do they treat you with love?

Energetically,

Do they treat you with love?

Do they respect you?

Not underneath it all.

Of course they respect you.

They love you more than anything in the world,

Underneath it all.

But underneath it all doesn't matter.

Yeah,

It matters this much,

Very little.

What matters is,

Are they able to access the love?

So they say,

I love you.

Or they feel,

You know underneath it all,

They feel I love you.

But can they actually access the feeling of it?

So not just I love you,

But can they feel it,

That I love you,

That I care about you,

And that it's actually activated,

Experienced,

The love is felt,

Embodied,

And then expressed.

It's in how they treat you,

How they talk to you,

How they handle you,

How they handle your emotions,

How they handle your stories,

How they handle what you did today,

How they meet you in a day-to-day,

Hour-to-hour,

Minute-to-minute way.

So to not use,

But they love me,

As an excuse to validate or justify treatment that is less than loving,

Healthy,

Kind,

And respectful.

Is that clear?

Does that make sense?

So you don't,

What you receive isn't their love,

Even if they love you.

What you receive is where they're operating from.

So if they're operating from shame,

Overwhelm,

Stress,

Oppression,

Numbness,

What you receive in connection is that,

Not the love,

Even if they love you.

So the next thing we want to look at is,

You love them.

So maybe you're in a relationship and you love them so,

So much.

You love them so deeply,

And it's a beautiful feeling to love someone,

Right?

It could create a feeling of closeness,

A feeling of care,

A feeling of warmth,

A feeling of belonging.

It could create feelings of joy,

Or happiness,

Or aliveness.

So it's beautiful to love a person,

Especially if it's a soul love,

And then it can feel really deep.

It can feel like you've known them forever.

It can feel like a deep sense of safety that you've never had with anyone else.

It can feel like whatever you express is welcomed and won't get you abandoned or rejected.

These are beautiful feelings to really love someone,

Or that you love them so much that whatever they say,

You're still going to love them.

Whatever they do,

You would still love them,

And that's beautiful.

Love is unconditional.

No matter what they say or do,

You'll still love them.

But love and a relationship are two very,

Very different things.

Just because you love them so deeply,

And so fully,

And so unconditionally,

Doesn't mean you need to be in a romantic relationship with them.

So let's create that distinction,

I love them,

From I really want to be in a romantic relationship with them.

Because you can love someone,

They can be a horrible fit to be in a romantic relationship with,

Right?

So maybe you absolutely love someone,

But they don't treat you with respect.

Or maybe you love them,

And they don't view you highly enough.

Maybe you love them,

But they're so unhappy that you're not able to have joy with them.

Maybe you love them,

And they have addictions that make their life very unstable and up and down.

Maybe you love someone,

And they care more about their work than they do you,

So they don't give you much attention,

Much energy.

Maybe you love someone,

They don't love you.

So what's so important about this is if you love someone,

That doesn't mean you should stay in a relationship with them.

It matters how they treat you,

How they are to you,

How happy they are,

How their life is.

If they're a mess in every possible way,

You can love them and want to support them,

But that doesn't mean you need to stay in a romantic relationship with them,

Right?

If they're completely depressed and stressed all the time,

Or whatever the case may be.

They have a history of trauma,

And it's a lot of pain for them.

I love them,

And I'm so sorry they're in this pain,

But if they can't access love and happiness and joy,

And that's where I want to live from,

I'm allowed to leave.

I don't have to be a martyr or a savior and a caretaker.

I'm allowed to leave if it's not creating the experience that I want from a romantic relationship.

It doesn't mean I don't love them.

It doesn't mean I'm a bad person.

You don't owe them your life.

You don't have to sacrifice all your happiness and joy to be a caretaker.

If they need help,

They need to get help from a specialist.

If they have addiction,

They need to get help from an addiction specialist.

If they have depression or trauma,

They need to get help from that.

If you're a girlfriend or a boyfriend,

It's not your job to fix them and be their savior and caretaker.

The question is,

Is this someone I want to be in a romantic relationship with?

So just because you love them,

It doesn't mean you should be in a romantic relationship with them.

Which takes us to the next point,

That oftentimes what I see with people is they're so,

So scared to leave when there's love one side or the other or both.

So if I love them so,

So much,

I might be scared to leave because I don't believe that I'm ever going to feel such a deep love ever again.

Or if they love me so much and I've never really been loved so fully or so deeply or so truly by someone,

Then I'm so,

So scared no one will ever love me again.

And this is a very sort of scarcity,

Low self-worth mindset and a non-understanding of just how life works,

That basically relationships just keep getting better.

The more we do healing,

The more we free ourselves and the more we're in resonance with people who are more happy or more free or more treating us how we deserve or deeper love or fuller love,

Depending what we're looking for.

So I'm here to say,

Don't stay in a relationship that doesn't feel healthy or happy or what you desire because you're afraid you'll never find another love like this.

That means you're staying in relationship not because of love,

But you're staying in relationship out of fear.

And it doesn't serve anyone to make choices out of fear,

To choose to stay in relationship out of fear.

That means you're not really choosing it for love.

You're choosing it actually in sort of unkind,

Disrespectful treatment to yourself.

So if it's not a happy relationship,

If it doesn't feel loving in the expression and in the action and in the energy,

Then you're staying.

It's unkind to yourself,

Disrespectful,

Not loving to yourself to stay in it.

But then you justify it because you're afraid that you won't find another love,

A deeper love,

A fuller love.

And that's just not accurate.

You can find another love if that's what you want.

You can find deeper love.

You can find more fun love.

You can find more playful love.

You can find more emotional love.

You can find safer love.

You can find whatever it is that you're looking for.

Don't stay in unhappiness and unhealthy relationship dynamics just because you're afraid you won't find another love.

And you're just staying out of fear and that's not serving.

And then the last thing that I'll say is if we love someone and they're in pain or they're not valuing you or things like this that make it unhappy or unhealthy,

That doesn't mean you should just walk up and leave.

And I want to make sure I establish this based on the last things that I said.

The question is,

So if they have a lot of stuff,

Emotional stuff or physical stuff that's a big problem for them,

That's getting in the way of the happiness or love and connection relationship,

If you love them,

Of course,

You want to give them a chance to change it.

You want to give them a chance,

Not just,

Oh,

You're not perfect,

I'm out.

It's a question of really,

Really looking at them.

So if their problems are physically or emotionally or verbally or how they treat themselves or how they treat others or whatever the issue is that's blocking it from being a beautiful,

Loving,

Connected,

Happy relationship,

We look at them and we really see,

Do they have the capacity to change this?

What's it going to take for them to shift this behavior,

This emotion,

This pain,

This way that their life is,

If it's like addiction or how they relate to work and obsessiveness or whatever?

What is it going to take for them to shift this behavior that's making our relationship unhealthy or unloving or not nice?

What's it going to take?

How much work are they going to have to do on themselves?

How much commitment would that require?

Do I trust them to be able to do it?

Do I really trust them?

And this is the hardest part,

To be really,

Really honest with ourselves about what type of work it's going to take for them to shift their way of being in the world,

How they act,

How they speak,

How they treat you,

How they treat themselves,

How they operate in the world,

Like really being honest with ourselves of what type of mental,

Emotional,

Energetic work are they going to need to do and do I trust them that they have the commitment and capacity to do it?

Not that I push them to do it,

Because that's never a good idea,

But that they have the impetus,

The drive within themselves that I want to change this behavior.

I want to change this emotional experience that I have and I'm going to seek out the help to change it.

Because if it's like that,

Then we can be patient.

And I love them and I want to give them that chance to shift their behavior,

Their emotional experience,

Whatever it is.

I want to give them a chance.

I love them.

I want to be patient.

I want to grow together.

But we have to be super honest with ourselves about when they don't have enough interest.

Maybe they're not even aware enough of their behavior,

Their emotions,

And the way they're living.

Maybe they are aware of it,

But they're not committed to do something about it.

Maybe they are committed to do something about it,

But they don't actually put forth the energy.

Or maybe they do put forth the energy.

But I recognize that this is something that might take years to resolve,

If at all,

Because it's so deep and it's so widespread from their childhood.

And I don't want to sign up for that journey to spend the next few years while they might be able to resolve it.

Because in the meantime,

I'm being disrespected and I'm not getting what I want from a relationship experience.

And that might sound selfish,

And if it does,

That's good.

It's supposed to be selfish.

You're supposed to put yourself first and your happiness first,

Because otherwise you're not being respectful to yourself.

To say,

I'll stay with them while they maybe change in a few years,

Is saying,

I don't care about my emotions.

I'm going to put all my emotions aside,

All my desire to feel good aside,

To sacrifice for them so they don't have to go through it alone.

This is self-hate.

This is self-punishment.

This is not,

This is not what makes for happiness,

Self-love,

Joy,

Or healthy relationships,

Because you're just putting yourself aside.

Yeah.

So I hope that's clear.

And if you're in a relationship like,

Like I described,

Then I'm wishing you a lot of clarity and courage to do what's most supportive for you.

And if you know somebody else who's in this type of relationship,

Share this with others and share with me in the comments how this felt for you,

Or if you have any resistance.

I know this subject can bring up resistance.

You might be mad at me or defensive,

Which is totally welcome.

Or if you have any other questions or comments,

Please share.

Have a beautiful day.

Bye.

Reviews

Thanks for sharing this message. The problem is making the break and getting free after such a long time.

Wow.... spot on!! Thank you!!

Such sage advice. Thank you.