Healthy Relationships

Today I share with you how we create Healthy Relationships from The Adult Chair. Unfortunately, so many of us aren't taught how to have healthy relationships. In fact, most of us enter into relationships with a lot of baggage which can activate our triggers, and leave us feeling helpless and not sure what to do to help or improve our relationship. In today's show I offer tools and tips on how we can create and/or improve our relationships. A big part of healthy relationships is being able to communicate effectively. Today's tools can be applied to any relationship, not only romantic ones. I hope you find hope, clarity and empowerment after listening to today's show as now you too can begin to create new stronger connections in your own life with others.

Transcript

Welcome to the Adult Share Podcast with Michelle Chalfont,

A place to delve into who we are,

How we got that way,

And explore what it takes to be a healthy grown-up.

With an extensive toolbox and guests with varied expertise,

Michelle will lead us on a journey to learn what it's like to live authentically and to love ourselves just the way we are.

And now,

Here's Michelle.

Hello,

Everybody.

That is Michelle Chalfont,

And welcome to the Adult Share Podcast.

I'm thrilled to be with you today.

We are talking today about relationships and healthy relationships and how we do healthy relationships.

And a lot comes down to healthy communication,

Among other things.

I'm going to be exploring all of this with you today.

It is the month of February,

The month of love.

And I just thought this would be a good time to remind everyone how we do relationships in a healthy way,

Because what I realize is most of us are not taught how to do healthy relationships.

So that is going to be the topic of today.

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Okay.

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This month we are still doing the child chair,

Which is all about the inner child.

And next month we're jumping into the adolescent chair.

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We are taking deep dives on all of these topics for an entire month instead of just one podcast.

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Okay.

Let's get into this healthy relationships from the adult chair.

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to go over some key elements to a great relationship and then I'm going to end with how it all comes together and how you can apply these concepts in your relationship.

And really today's show goes out to anyone in a relationship,

Whether you're starting a relationship or thinking someday,

You might be in a relationship or,

You know,

I have to say that the show was really inspired by a lot of my couples that were in romantic relationships,

Whether they were dating or married.

But honestly,

These ideas can be applied to anyone in any kind of relationship,

Whether it's a mother,

Daughter,

Mother,

Son,

Friendship,

Whatever.

If you want to really build a connection within your relationship with somebody,

These concepts apply to everyone.

It's just how to have healthy relationships.

So here we go.

So I've had a few of my clients come in embarking on these new relationships after whether they've been divorced for a very long time or they might be even young in their thirties or twenties,

You know,

Learning how to have relationships.

And I think back to even when I was Catholic many,

Many years ago and first getting married and my husband and I went to,

What is it called?

Pre-canna or pre the marriage counseling you do before.

And I thought it was like,

Okay,

But it certainly did not prepare me for marriage.

I mean,

Nobody prepares us for marriage,

But I wish that they were teaching something like what I'm going to talk with you about today for people that are getting into relationships because nobody understands relationships very well.

So what I find sometimes happens is that one part of the couple also is studying and really wanting to learn how to be healthy and maybe even live in their adult,

But the other one has no clue or both people have gone come into a relationship and have no idea how to have a healthy relationship.

And so many of us,

Of course,

Were given modeling for healthy relationships from,

Or excuse me,

They were given no modeling because they came from parents or from families that were not very healthy.

And we come together in these relationships with all of our emotional baggage from childhood.

And again,

We acquire even more baggage into adulthood when we're coming together with this other person with all of that.

I don't have another word for it.

I'm just going to use crap.

We drag it into these relationships and we're unaware.

Because as you know,

When we first meet,

We're in that honeymoon phase,

We're on our best behavior and we don't want the other person to see any of our blemishes or warts or bruises.

We put these masks on,

Like we do things like tidy up the house,

More than normal if we're really slobs or we may throw our clothes on the floor or we do our dishes.

When normally we might not do our dishes every day,

Things like that.

We might become these masterful chefs in the kitchen or really we hate to cook.

So we do these things to impress our beloved.

We might be extra nice,

Not let our anger show.

So all these things happen for the first six to nine months.

And then all of a sudden,

The reality hits after about six months ish or a little bit longer.

The facade or the mask starts to fall away and we can't keep it up because it's just not us.

So the real self starts to come out,

Our tolerance becomes less and less for our beloved and we get upset with that other person.

And that's when the irritations and the triggers start happening.

And at this point,

We have two people attempting to navigate life and have a healthy relationship based on what they learned in their own childhood and what they witnessed growing up.

So again,

If it wasn't healthy for you,

You're trying to navigate from this unhealthy roadmap and it's just not going to work.

I find a lot of people,

If they're not getting triggered,

They're just sweeping everything under the carpet.

And then at a later date,

Everything explodes or those are the people sometimes that just end their relationship out of the blue.

So if you were somebody that grew up with these unhealthy parents,

Remember these parents were your role models.

And this is how we learn to do relationships.

And again,

I didn't say this is how we learned how to do healthy relationships.

It's just how we learn how to do relationships.

So again,

If you grew up in a family where everything was swept under the table or you were told to keep your voice down and not speak up and not express how you felt or not share your emotions,

Then guess what?

Don't expect to then get into an adult relationship and do all of these very healthy things.

If you didn't see that growing up and certainly if it wasn't safe,

You probably tucked that part of you away and you don't know how to do these healthy things that we need to be doing in relationships.

So we bring into our current relationships what we learned from before.

And when we attempt to do the opposite,

That's not exactly healthy either.

Meaning let me give you an example.

Like if my dad was a rager,

Okay,

Then I don't want to do to others what my dad did to me.

So I interpret in my little brain growing up that anger is really,

Really,

Really bad.

So I don't ever allow myself to feel that anger because it's just not healthy.

That's the map that I created or the programming as a child if I grew up with a rager in my household.

Don't go to your anger.

So again though,

Sometimes we do that,

We create that map of the world or something the opposite,

Which might be something like,

And again,

We can create many maps from what we witnessed as a child.

But if we grew up with a rager,

Either we learn never to let our anger out or we become ragers.

If you remember,

I had an uncle that was a rager and man,

He had a lot of power in the house.

That wasn't healthy,

Authentic power,

But it was power.

And everyone else in my family seems kind of quiet and swept things under the carpet.

But man,

He got a lot of attention.

So when I was a teenager,

I was very quick to go into my anger and my rage because that was safe for me.

But of course I worked my way through that as I got older.

But this is what we do as kids.

We see things in childhood and we do exactly what that parent did or we do the opposite.

But if we're doing the opposite,

There's many unhealed wounds going on inside of us that we're not aware of.

So if we don't want to feel our anger,

Trust me,

There are things going on inside.

If you grew up,

Let's say with a rager.

So it's not healthy to suppress the anger.

I can't tell you how many people I've had in my office that won't or are terrified to feel their anger.

They just won't do it.

So many people,

Even if they didn't have a rager sometimes growing up,

But oftentimes they actually did.

But I want you to know anger is a really healthy emotion.

It's really,

All of our emotions are healthy.

I don't care what emotion it is,

They're healthy and we want to let them through.

But what happens is many people that had a rager as a parent,

They come into my office and they're afraid if they even tap a little bit of that anger,

They're going to explode like their parent.

And that's not true.

We have control over it.

We can let it out a little bit at a time.

And remember,

Rage and anger are two very different emotions.

Rage is anger coming through the adolescent chair.

It's explosive,

It's out of control.

Anger comes from our inner child,

Believe it or not.

The inner child has all of our emotions and anger that's funneled through the little child and within us that then comes through the adult is very healthy.

The adult can express anger.

This is a very,

Very healthy emotion.

It's honestly where we get a lot of our power from.

So we want to go into our anger.

Anyway,

So here's a couple more examples of how we bring our baggage from the past into our current relationships.

Perhaps think back to your childhood or one of your parents drinkers.

Did someone have an affair?

Did someone leave?

Did mom have good boundaries?

Was there a divorce?

Were you allowed to do whatever you wanted to do without a curfew?

Did your siblings bully you or someone else bully you?

Sometimes that's a parent or an uncle or a brother,

Whomever.

And did your parents laugh it off?

Did anyone pay attention?

Did anyone help you?

Did they tell you maybe to toughen up?

Perhaps you're raised by a narcissist.

All of these things create programming within us on how to survive our lives,

Our adult lives.

So our childhood wounding and traumas can be big like neglect and alcohol abuse or drug abuse or sexual abuse or emotional abuse,

Or it could be mild.

Like maybe dad just traveled all the time or mom was really strict or maybe mom didn't even set boundaries for me,

But it was really confusing not to have boundaries.

So either way it creates roadmaps for our future.

We get programmed in when we're little and growing up in these households on how to function as adults.

So again,

Whether our childhood experiences were mildly dysfunctional or extremely dysfunctional,

We bring this into our current relationships.

How can we not?

It's all we knew when we were growing up.

So of course we have childhood wounding.

That's why I laugh when people say,

I don't need therapy or I don't need to talk about my stuff.

And I'm not saying you have to go into a lifetime of therapy,

But hello.

If you're human,

You have wounding.

I'm sorry.

It's just,

It just is who we are.

How do you not?

How do we not?

It doesn't mean we're bad or broken.

It's just,

It's like sometimes we need to work through some of the things that are going on inside of us.

In fact,

Remember we are attracting people in that are either like one of our parents or these people can become mirrors for us so that we can see our own baggage that we're carrying in from our childhood and those people that we're in relationship with give us the opportunity to work out our childhood issues and our wounding.

So our relationships can really help us to heal if we do relationships correctly.

But the problem is as many of us get triggered and blame our beloved as we,

And we argue or get stuck and we can't figure out what to do.

And I want you to remember what triggers are.

Triggers if you're triggered by somebody that you're in relationship with,

They're showing you something within you.

For example,

If I grew up feeling like I don't matter and my partner forgets to call me when they're supposed to call,

I may fall into my,

I don't matter belief.

And it's in the,

It's in the unconscious.

That's the thing with triggers.

We don't even know what they are,

But the beautiful thing is when we're triggered,

These unconscious beliefs rise up into consciousness,

If we are able to sit with them,

We can identify what they are and it transforms them.

So in my opinion,

Triggers are a great thing.

I love being triggered because it helps me to see what's going on in my own consciousness.

So if I fall into my,

I don't matter belief that's typically buried in this unconsciousness that my partner is reflecting,

I interpret that they forgot about me.

Does this make sense?

I'm going to say this in another way.

So if my partner forgets to call me when they're supposed to call and I fall into my,

I don't matter belief that's in the unconsciousness,

My partner is just showing me this belief.

So what we do as humans though,

Is I'll get mad and I'll tell my partner,

You know,

I can't believe you didn't call me and blah,

Blah,

Blah.

We want to get mad at that other person instead of saying,

Hold on,

What's coming up inside of me.

Okay.

Because we get mad at them for forgetting about us.

What do we want to drop inside?

Go find out what that shadow belief is.

The shadow belief is what's hiding in the unconsciousness.

It's a gift.

Triggers are truly a gift.

So just remember that.

It helps us to see what's on the unhealed negative belief that we're holding about ourselves.

If you think about it,

Someone that you're in a relationship with really loves you or cares about you.

They're not mean people.

We don't usually attract.

Well,

I shouldn't say that sometimes we do.

But typically if we're in a healthy relationship or someone that really loves us and you really feel loved by that person and we're triggered,

We've got to drop inside because it's our stuff.

If you remember,

I was triggered.

I did a whole podcast on this.

It was called Transforming Triggers.

It was podcast number 98.

If you want more information on triggers,

I'm going to add that to the show notes.

I was triggered and I recorded what happens and how to work your way out of a trigger.

It was beautiful because the trigger just happened with me and then I went back and recorded it immediately.

And it was just a great example on how we work our way through our own triggers.

I even talked about how my husband was able to help me and his role in the whole thing.

So definitely listen to that if you have not already heard it.

Okay.

Back to relationships.

So if we're bringing our baggage from our past into relationships,

It's really hard to navigate at times.

But we can also,

If we have a willing partner,

Use this,

Our current relationship as a means of healing and transforming our wounded parts.

But both parties have to have this understanding.

Living with another person can be challenging.

I don't care how much you have in common.

There will be things that come up.

It's your choice if you blow off these things or talk about them.

Many people just,

Again,

Grow up in the households where we sweep everything under the carpet.

That's not healthy.

And I'm not saying to talk about every little teeny tiny thing,

But if something is recurring or really hurts you,

You must talk about it.

It's your responsibility.

So let's go over some key elements to healthy relationships from the adult chair.

Number one,

We need honest communication.

And I'm going to add to that honest emotional communication.

So it's not just communicating what's going on,

But we really want to get into what we're feeling.

This is key.

I say this to every relationship or couple that comes into my office.

I'm like,

How well do you all communicate with each other about really what's going on inside?

This is key to any relationship.

If it's going to last and last in a healthy way.

I have couples that come in and say,

We never fight,

Everything's fine.

Just something's not right.

We have sex all the time,

But something's missing.

They'll say something's missing.

I can't figure out what it is.

And really on the outside,

They look like the perfect couple.

They dress well,

They have the right cars,

The right jobs,

Et cetera.

So it's like everything is in place,

But there's still that emptiness inside.

They cannot figure out.

And I believe the thing,

Quote unquote,

That they can't figure out is the emotional connection that they're looking for.

And that takes,

Again,

Honest,

Emotional communication.

Emotional is that key term.

There are couples that talk about everything like finances and the kids and buying a new car or moving and vacations.

They can talk about all this stuff that's necessary to make their lives work,

But they don't talk about the most important,

Deeper things like how they're feeling and what's going on within them today.

I think I shared with you in the past,

I'm sure I have on this podcast at some point,

My husband,

I remember the first 10 years of marriage,

Every single day he'd come home from work.

I'm like,

How was your day?

He's like,

Great.

How was your day?

Great.

How was your day?

And he didn't share very much.

I'm like,

Oh,

This is interesting.

How do you have a great day every single day?

So he had to learn and he still is learning,

Of course,

As we all are,

How do I go inside and really feel what's going on?

And how do I then share that?

He grew up in a household that didn't have a lot of that sharing of the emotions.

So he's having to learn that with me because that's what I want.

That's what we want together is to really have that emotional deep connection.

Some couples come in,

They're in shock because after 15,

25,

30 years,

Their spouse is asking for a divorce and they want me to fix it.

And they'll say,

This is out of left field.

What's going on?

And the one partner will say,

I'm just not interested anymore.

I just want out.

And when we get into it,

It was because their relationship lacked honest,

Emotional communication.

Sometimes I'll say,

I'm bored.

The kids are grown and flown,

So I am bored.

I don't have anything in common with this person.

If we can emotionally connect with that person over the years,

We grow together,

But you got to have that connection.

It doesn't even matter if you don't share tons in common.

If you're sharing each other on the emotional playing field,

It really does bridge this beautiful connection of the heart.

So when couples come in and let me know that they never argue or disagree,

It sends up red flags for me because I don't believe that we can live with another human being and not argue or disagree sometimes.

It's just not,

There are no two humans on the planet that are exactly the same.

I think arguing and disagreeing is good once in a while.

I'm not saying every day,

But argue,

Get in touch with what's going on inside of you and what's going on inside of with your partner and share that with each other.

You don't have to agree on everything.

That does not mean that you have a great relationship if you're not disagreeing or arguing.

Let's see.

I want to talk to you next about the stories and assumptions.

I know I've talked about this before,

But we have to talk about stories and assumptions because boy,

Do we fall into them all the time.

If you don't know something is a 100% truth,

What we do from our adult chair is we have to go gather information.

What most of us do is we fall into the adolescent chair and start making up stories and assumptions about it.

Not good because they're mostly not true.

So when your brain is sorting for why your beloved is acting quote unquote,

Like just off or quiet,

Ask them what's going on.

Instead we go into it and we'll say,

Oh,

They must be mad at me.

Maybe they're having an affair.

Are they going to leave?

What's going on?

They're depressed.

We go into all these ideas about why that other person might be so off.

It's our job to take care of ourselves.

And if something feels off to us with our partner and we don't know what's true,

We're starting to fall into story and assumptions.

So just ask,

Ask,

Ask,

Ask what's going on.

So you can then have your new reality of what's true.

This just happened to my husband and I.

I was really contemplative like about a month or so ago and quiet.

I was thinking a lot about some things that were going on in my business.

I was going to have to fire this company.

I had hired and I wasn't sure.

And I was trying to get really clear about it.

And it was a big,

Big,

Big decision.

And at the end of the day,

Like late in the afternoon,

It was on a weekend and it wasn't in a bad mood at all.

I was just sort of quiet and sort of pensive.

And my husband then started like slamming some things around and not throwing things,

But just like doors were closing a little louder and the look on his face was kind of weird.

And I said,

Is there something going on with you?

Again,

If I don't know what's going on with him,

I used to be very codependent and make all kinds of guesses about it,

But I have learned to live in my adult chair.

And now I've learned to ask other people what's going on with their reality.

If I don't know,

I do not make up stories and assumptions as best I can.

So I said to him,

What's going on?

You seem a little bit off.

You seem like you're slamming doors,

What's going on?

And he said,

Why don't you tell me what's going on with you?

He said,

You're obviously off today.

You've been ignoring me all day and you're hardly talking.

So clearly you're mad at me and you haven't even told me why.

And I thought,

Wow.

I said,

Here's the thing.

And I explained to him why I was sort of quiet.

I was just quiet.

I wasn't in a bad mood at all,

But he had gone into a huge story and assumption,

Then put himself in a bad mood.

And I said,

If you were wondering what was going on with me,

It's your job to ask me.

Now,

Of course,

If I have someone that's coming over and I'm in an awful mood,

I might share with them.

I just want you to know,

I'm really sorry.

I'm just having a hard time today,

But I really didn't feel that.

I was just kind of quiet,

Impensive and thinking through things.

So it's our job to inquire about someone else's reality that we're living with or anybody's reality if it's affecting us in some way.

And him slamming doors was affecting me and I wanted to ask what was going on.

And he was sitting in a story about me.

So we're working on doing that with each other.

And again,

It takes practice to do that,

Especially two codependents living together.

We used to guess all the time what was going on.

And it's like,

No,

We have to really inquire what's going on instead of guessing.

So number three would be sharing your reality.

It's our responsibility to share really,

But also to inquire about your reality and share it.

So we need to pick up and set boundaries.

If something is bothering you about another person,

It's your job to express to them what's going on and then what you need.

So stop expecting another person to psychically be able to read you and know what's going on with you.

It's your job to express what you need.

I have couples that come in and they're like,

Well,

Joe should have known better because we've been together for years and I'm calling BS on this.

No,

Joe should not have known better.

And I'm not talking about the fact that Joe should know that you don't like clothes on the floor,

Let's say after five years of being together or 20 years of being together.

It's bigger things.

It's things like just the example of my husband and I,

It's like,

We have to share what's going on or inquire.

Our reality and our emotional state is our responsibility.

Don't put it on someone else.

It's our lives or our jobs.

If you want to stay in balance,

It's your job.

No one else outside of you.

But if you do have needs,

We have to speak up about those needs.

I'll get to that.

I'm going to get to that in a minute.

This is just what healthy adults do.

We inquire and we share.

So let's see.

I want to share with you,

Oh,

This is really important.

If you're in a new relationship,

Number four,

I call it putting your cards on the table.

It's important that we share what's going on with our history to someone else.

Now I'm not saying on the first date with someone that you share your entire history with them,

But as the relationship is evolving,

It's really important that we share our cards or put the cards on the table.

So it's about sharing with that other person that you're getting into a serious relationship with,

A committed relationship with,

What maybe some of your triggers are,

What some of your wounding is.

And then you're going to talk to them about what you might need because of that wounding.

So for example,

If I've been dating someone for a while,

I might share with them,

Or my husband cheated on me throughout our marriage.

So when I don't hear from you,

Sharing the cards would be,

I just want you to know I was in a 10 year marriage and my husband cheated on me the entire time.

And I found out in the end he had been having multiple affairs.

Okay.

That's sharing your cards.

So I just wanted to share with you now that I have worry and anxiety sometimes if I don't hear from you.

And when you travel for days on end,

This is a great way to state this.

When you travel for days,

This is the statement that we need to learn how to say to our partners or our spouses or boyfriends,

Girlfriends.

I make up the story that fill in the blank.

So in the case,

Let's just say my husband cheated on me for 10 years and now I'm in a new relationship.

I'm going to share my cards.

I'm just going to say,

I just want you to know this happened to me.

I was cheated on for many,

Many years and now in my new relationship,

If my boyfriend travels.

So now when you travel for days on end,

I make up a story that you're cheating on me as well.

So I need to know what's true.

Let them respond.

Based on our history,

Things like,

Again,

People cheating on us or parents leaving us or whatever it is,

We have needs.

So in only,

You know what your needs are.

So we have to think inside and come up with what we need from our new relationship.

So be really helpful.

For example,

In this last example I just gave you,

Be really helpful for me.

If you could FaceTime me at night when you're home in your hotel room,

If you're traveling,

Then I know you're home safe and you're all alone.

If you have a healthy partner,

Of course that partner will say,

Of course,

You know,

I really care about you and I want this relationship to work.

And of course I'll do that for you.

So even if it's not a new relationship,

If you've been in a committed relationship for a long time and this has been something that's bothering you for years,

It's okay to share that getting to know ourselves as an ever evolving journey.

So you just might have this awareness because you're doing a lot of great work on yourself that you're really uncomfortable with your husband traveling.

So ask your husband or your wife or whomever,

Hey,

Would you mind FaceTiming me at night?

Because that really helps me with my anxiety and my worry and that'll help bring it down.

I'm not suggesting that your need is something like,

I need you to text me every hour because I really worry.

It's more about what would be something that would help you feel better.

And if texting every hour is something that's a little bit from that adolescent chair,

There's a lot of fear wrapped up with that.

We need to find a need from our adult and that means check in with your child and that child will help you get to your need and then the adult expresses it.

Nothing too extreme or controlling,

That's all coming from the adolescent chair,

But is a simple request based on your need to help you to feel safe in your current relationship.

And the good news is that after your partner starts showing up and meeting your simple request and your needs,

You start building trust,

Everything starts changing and eventually you won't need your partner to call or FaceTime ever.

Or maybe just once in a while.

Another one,

Vulnerability,

Intimacy and sex.

It's interesting to me when people come in complaining of lack of sex life or issues in the bedroom,

Whether it be the man can't perform or it feels awkward or it's been so long since we've had sex,

We don't know where to begin.

Whatever the issue is,

I found that can be really helpful to embrace your vulnerability.

Being vulnerable is really scary for most of us because again,

Unless we grew up in households where it was really vulnerable,

We don't know how to do it that well.

So vulnerability and intimacy come from our inner child.

And if we were made fun of for crying when we were children or told to get over it or when we were sad,

We might've been bullied or we had no one to talk to to process our emotions.

What happens is this little inner child or this child part of us,

This inner child as we get older sort of goes into hiding and that part of us is responsible for our vulnerability and our intimacy.

So we need that part of us,

This precious part that we all have inside of us to become present.

This is the part of us that also is the container for all of our emotions.

So if you weren't given maybe even a lot of hugs or affection growing up,

Since you're craving it now,

But don't know how to ask for it,

We just turn it off.

That's what we learn how to do as children.

So we want to learn how to get in touch with that inner child part.

And we can do that just by simply starting to get in touch with what we're feeling.

What are our emotions?

Instead of turning off our emotions,

We want to turn on our emotions and start getting in touch with them.

Just get curious about it.

I have done podcasts on how we get in touch with our emotions,

How we feel our emotions.

You can go to the search bar and my podcast page and find them.

I've done a few podcasts on that,

But this helps with our vulnerability and our intimacy and sex ultimately.

Because by getting in touch with our emotions,

Then we're able to share and be vulnerable with our partner,

What's going on within us.

And with that vulnerability,

Of course,

Then intimacy can start to happen.

And of course,

Eventually sex.

It's a process for sure,

But vulnerability is key.

And it's scary for so many of us.

We want to slowly go into vulnerability.

And I'm going to get how we do that in a little bit.

And a lot of clients will say to me when I suggest that they become vulnerable,

They'll say,

Where do we begin?

I don't know how to do that.

Or a lot of people say,

Isn't that a sign of weakness?

And it is absolutely not a sign of weakness.

Is in fact a sign of strength.

It's a misprogrammed that it's weak to feel our emotions and to be vulnerable and share our reality.

It's very much part of who we are and we should be able to share our reality with another,

Which is being vulnerable.

But again,

If we weren't allowed to do that growing up or even in our adult relationships,

If we were with somebody that shut us down,

We just tuck that part of us away,

But we need to pull that part back out if you want to have a healthy connected relationship.

So reaching inside of us and feeling our emotions actually takes a lot of bravery.

But in addition to that,

It takes a lot of strength.

It's the exact opposite of being weak.

And again,

You've heard me say this before.

Some people say,

I don't have emotions.

I'm calling BS on that because every baby cries and has feelings.

So you once did,

But you've learned to tuck them away.

Every person,

Male or female has emotions.

So we just want to learn being vulnerable.

Let's start with just getting a sense of what I might be feeling on the inside.

That takes us into that vulnerability journey.

And then being brave enough to start sharing bits and pieces.

Again,

I'm going to go over that in a minute with you.

One of the last keys here is becoming a masterful listener.

We do this in the adult chair weekend intensives.

I teach people how to do this and people always laugh like,

Wow,

I had no idea.

This is how we were supposed to do relationships.

We all want to be seen and heard and witnessed by others.

And when we are seen and heard and witnessed,

Not fixed by another,

Healing happens.

It changes us deep inside.

And in relationships,

We accomplish this by being masterful listeners.

And it's difficult to do in the beginning,

But man,

It's so powerful.

And with practice,

It really does become a lot easier.

So here's what happens when another person typically comes to us and shares what's going on,

Whether it be their issues or their pain or their dilemma or their conflict.

As humans,

We typically go into fix it mode.

Let me figure out how to stop their pain and suffering.

In fact,

Our brain's going to fix it mode before the other person has even done talking.

I see it all the time.

We are not present listeners.

Most of us are future thinking fixers.

We do not sit presently with another when they are in pain.

We want to fix it and stop the pain.

So to that,

I'm going to say stop it because it does not help that other person.

Unless of course they're asking you,

Hey,

I need your advice.

What would you do about this or that?

But the way to foster connection with another is to listen and reflect their reality.

It's very healing and can transform someone.

So when someone is sharing from a vulnerable place with us,

They're in their inner child,

Remember?

And that's where vulnerability and emotions are coming from.

So they're being very open with us and it's scary for them.

It's really scary because they're in this younger part of them when they're sharing.

So we really want to listen to that person with presence and openness.

That's what I call being a masterful listener.

We do this from our adult chair.

We don't fix,

We don't get mad,

We don't react,

We don't defend from the adolescent chair.

Most of the time we are sharing just to share,

Especially the women in the group.

I'm sorry to say we just like to talk sometimes and we want to get it out.

I'm not saying that men don't do that,

It's not that black and white,

But typically women,

I find they want to just keep talking and they're looking for a resolve,

But they don't know how to resolve.

So for you men in the group,

It's very powerful just to listen and reflect.

That's it.

Again,

This is in general and women,

We need to shorten up our sharing because our men are getting like a little over it.

I'm just saying.

Sometimes we go on and on and on,

I have people in my office and they'll say,

I really like to listen to my wife.

However,

She goes on and on and on for 45 minutes.

So summarize,

But do share.

And if you need to share a little bit longer,

That's fine.

And I'm going to go over with exactly how you do that.

I know this just happened to me recently again with my husband.

We went into,

I was looking over some old testing that my son had done many years ago and he's been in the middle of taking the ACTs for college.

And I looked at the SAT scores from many years ago and he had clearly done much better on the SATs.

And I,

Oh my gosh,

I'm cleaning up my office and I realize all this.

So I went into my husband in a panic because my son had just taken his last ACT and oh my God,

What were we thinking?

Why didn't we put him in the SAT and what's wrong?

And I'm bad mom.

And why didn't I do this?

My husband launched into fixing and defending that he was not a bad father.

And I just needed to share for like five minutes.

And then he started getting really upset with me.

And I said to him,

I just want to remind you that I'm sharing with you from this place that is a place where I feel like I've really let my son down and I feel really bad.

And I feel like I'm like five.

And when I said that to him,

He remembered,

Oh,

She's in her inner child.

I was like,

Yeah,

Just let me share this for five minutes.

And then he goes,

Okay.

I said,

Just listen.

Okay.

And sometimes we have,

You know,

I have to do this with my husband all the time.

He does it with me.

We have to remind each other,

I need you to be in your adult.

I'm going to share with you.

Okay.

He did that.

I was done sharing in five minutes,

All done,

Walked away.

I felt a million times better.

It's just in the witnessing.

There's nothing to fix.

I just needed someone to listen.

And then at the end I was like,

Oh well,

My son's done.

You know,

He's going to get into whatever college,

Whatever with those ACT scores.

I want to move on and honest to God,

It was done.

I just needed to be witnessed.

That's all we need.

Witnessing.

The very last thing are boundaries.

Okay.

I just want to share a tiny bit,

Number seven on boundaries.

We must get better at speaking up for ourselves.

Again,

This is kind of linked to the sharing of our reality.

If someone is hurting us or offending us,

We must express how we feel.

Do not ignore or sweep it under the carpet.

If your partner is drinking too much,

Set a boundary.

How much is okay?

Are you okay if your partner is hung over in the morning?

Are you okay with it?

Set a boundary.

What's okay with you?

Are you okay that your partner is staying out too later,

Acting weird?

It's your job to speak up for yourself and take care of you.

However,

I'm going to say this,

There's a little caveat here.

When it comes to in-laws or friends of your beloved,

Yes,

Of course,

It's always our job to set a boundary for yourself.

But if it's your in-laws that are being unkind to you,

It's your spouse's job to let their family know that it's not okay.

When we are in a relationship with someone and we care deeply and love that person,

We want to help keep them safe.

If your family is treating your partner unkind or rude,

It's your job to let your family or friends know that their behavior is not okay with you.

I have many clients that come in and let me know that their mother-in-law or father-in-law is being ugly to them.

And their spouse or their partner will say to me things like,

Well,

It's between them.

I'm not involved.

My mother doesn't like my so-and-so,

So it's between them.

Absolutely not.

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

Your family is your responsibility.

If your mother is overbearing,

You clear it up.

Your job is to take care of your beloved.

Just please do that.

It's not anyone else's job because sometimes we have overbearing mothers butting their nose into our business.

It's our job to let your mother know it's not okay.

Maybe your father's being rude to your spouse or your partner,

Boyfriend,

Girlfriend.

It's your job to set that boundary and protect your beloved.

Some people will say,

Well,

My mother will never change.

Oh,

Yes,

They will.

If you set that boundary,

It's not okay if someone in your family is being unkind or rude to your beloved.

It's your job to take care of them.

I see a lot of codependency with parents and we don't want to hurt them.

Oh,

I can't tell my mom because it'll hurt them.

You know what?

You chose your partner,

Beloved,

Spouse,

Boyfriend,

Girlfriend.

It's not about hurting anyone.

It's about letting them know that their behavior or their words are unkind.

It's just not okay with you.

You've got to choose the person you're with 100%,

Not 80,

Either be all in or not.

That's being a healthy adult.

Okay,

I'm going to put it all together for you now.

Here we go.

This is what healthy communication looks like.

So we take all the things I just shared with you.

Now we're going to do it from the adult share.

This is what builds that deep connection with another.

This is how we build trust and create vulnerability and safety with another human being.

Again,

We can do this with someone we're in love with or in a relationship with or we do it with mother,

Daughter,

Father,

Son,

Whatever.

You can apply what I'm going to share with you right now with anybody,

Sister,

Sister,

Brother.

It doesn't matter.

So if you have something that's bothering you,

Let's say,

This is how we bring up a difficult subject or this might not even be a difficult subject.

It's just about sharing our reality with somebody.

We want to do what I call is we want to invite them.

So there's an invitation.

If you have something that's bothering you,

Ask that person that if they have time for you to share,

Do you have 15 minutes to talk?

Let them know how long it is and stick to the time.

I just need 10 minutes of your time.

Do you have that time for me?

Because I have something I need to share.

The person will either say yes or no.

Great.

I'll go up to my husband or my friend and say,

Hey,

Do you have time to talk right now?

I need to share something.

I need to work through something,

Whatever it is.

Yes,

Of course.

So that person might say,

No,

I can't do it right now.

Then ask them when would be a good time.

My husband hates when I bring up finances at night.

Okay,

Fine.

I've learned I will not do that.

It doesn't mean there's something wrong with me for bringing it up.

It's that that's his boundary.

Great.

Okay.

So then we figure out our time.

So there's the invitation.

Once we figure out our time that you're meeting,

We're going to have a sharer and of course,

A listener,

A masterful listener.

And the scene needs to be set up.

So that's number two.

So there's the invitation.

Then we have a setup.

And when we're learning how to do this,

I know I'm breaking it down in little pieces or big pieces for you all.

But once you get this and you practice it a few times,

It flies by.

It's very quick.

It doesn't have to be broken down like this.

But in the beginning,

Because we're learning how to have healthy relationships and healthy communication,

This is what we need to do.

So if you are the sharer,

So this is called the setup,

You want to set up your space.

So what's comfortable for you.

So you're going to share with your person with,

Again,

It could be your mom,

It could be your husband,

Wife,

Whatever you get to decide.

Now if it's with your beloved,

It's like,

Well,

Maybe I'm going to be lying down and I want to lie down next to this person.

Maybe I want to sit on the couch.

Maybe I want to sit across the room from this person.

It's your job to figure out what's comfortable for you.

Only you know what's comfortable.

Do you want them to be touching you or not?

If you are the listener,

Honor whatever the person that is sharing wants and don't challenge them or project your needs or wants on them.

If your partner says,

Hey,

I would like to share with you,

Let's come in the kitchen.

Come on in the kitchen.

You don't say,

No,

No,

No,

No,

I'd rather be in the sunroom.

No,

No,

No.

The person that's sharing is the one that's going to share something really vulnerable and their emotions.

So they get to decide.

So even if you've known this person for years,

It's still scary because it's vulnerable and it's coming from that inner child and we're learning how to do this maybe for the first time.

So we really want to create that safe environment and only you know what's safe as the sharer.

This is beautiful for transforming childhood wounding.

It's such a powerful process,

But we really want to make sure we're not putting what as a listener,

What we want and what we think is best on the sharer.

I remember sharing with my husband one time,

I'm like,

I need to share something with you.

He's like,

Oh,

Okay.

And he came up and he gave me this hug and he goes,

Share away.

I'm like,

I don't want you to hug me.

I want to actually be like three feet away from you.

That doesn't mean I'm mad.

That doesn't mean I'm in a bad mood.

It just means that what that's what feels safe.

When I do this with couples,

It's amazing because I'll ask them,

So are you sitting at a close distance?

So how is the distance?

Is it comfortable?

And many times the couples will say,

I can't believe I'm saying this,

But actually he feels too close.

Oh,

Okay.

And they're even surprised by it when they tune in to themselves or I really want them to be much closer to me.

I want to smush up on the couch next to them and hold my hand.

Great.

Only,

You know,

As the sharer,

Because that's coming from that little inner child precious part inside.

So we're activating that energy by asking ourselves,

What do I need right now while I share?

So if you are the listener and you're listening to someone sharing,

It's very important,

Not only for the healing of the person in front of you,

But for your relationship and for yourself that you become a solid present person for the sharer.

That's your only job.

Stay present and just listen.

Do not fix,

Do not take it personally because it's not about you.

The focus needs to be on the sharer,

Not on you.

Oftentimes when the person is sharing,

The listener attempts to fix,

Cuts off the sharer,

Feels like they're being blamed.

They get mad,

They get up and walk away.

Uh-uh.

I've had so many couples,

Even mother,

Daughter,

Again,

Mother,

Sons come in my office and sisters and when I invite them to share their reality,

They don't hear what the other person is saying.

It happens all the time.

I'll ask the person to share and the other person falls into a defense and attempts to fix or make it about them.

So what I do now is I invite my couples to leave the metaphorical sword and shield outside of my office.

So when somebody is sharing,

I find one of the people or both comes in with,

It's like they have this shield up in front of them to protect themselves and sword ready to go,

Ready to go to battle if they're triggered.

So drop your sword and shield.

Just leave it alone.

Leave it outside the door because it's not needed when someone is sharing something vulnerable with you.

I recently had a couple and I asked the man to share what was going on and he was there with his girlfriend and he expressed that he felt really angry because his girlfriend kept coming home too late from work.

She'd gotten a promotion and had all this extra work to get done.

So I had asked him what was going on.

I said,

So Jim,

You know,

Tell me what's going on here.

And he's like,

Well,

She comes home late all the time.

And he was really,

Really angry.

And then of course he's angry.

So guess what?

She picks up her sword and shield and she launches into her defense immediately and how hard she's working for them and their future and how dare he get mad and round and round and round.

They were yelling at each other in my office and you know,

This is a promotion and he's going to benefit from,

How can he say that?

And that's bullshit.

And she's going on and on.

So I let them go on and on and on until it was really heated and escalated.

And then I said to them,

Stop.

I put my hand up.

I said,

Stop,

Stop,

Stop,

Stop,

Stop.

And then I asked them,

So did what just happened here help you accomplish anything at all?

And they both said,

No,

Not at all.

No,

Smuggishly.

They're like,

No,

No,

Not at all.

And they both had their arms crossed.

They were sort of like,

They were on the couch next to each other and they turned away from each other and they said,

No,

It's clearly getting nowhere.

The way that they said,

It's clearly getting us nowhere.

And I said,

Exactly.

And they said,

Well,

This is why we're here.

I said,

Okay.

I said,

Well,

Let me teach you how to do it a new way.

It was so beautiful.

This happens with clients all the time.

So I asked him to,

First of all,

Before we go anywhere and do anything else to slow down and just drop inside of himself.

And I asked her to do the same.

I ask people all the time,

Put your feet on the floor,

Open up the bottom of your feet.

Let's get grounded.

Let's get really present,

Really present.

And I reminded her that he was going to share and then he was going to be coming from a very young place,

Probably no more than zero to six years old.

Again,

It's the inner child part,

Zero to six years old.

I invited her to see him like a little boy in front of her.

So I asked him if where she was sitting was okay and if he wanted her to be touching him,

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

And he said,

You know,

I actually would like to kind of hold her hand a little bit.

I said,

Perfect.

I asked her if it was okay.

And she said,

Yes,

Of course.

And there was a lot of inquiry during this process and sharing realities,

Et cetera.

So I went back and forth.

This is okay.

Yes,

This is okay.

Yes.

So remember,

We cannot guess what another person needs.

So you don't want to guess that that's what that person needs.

So I ask always inquire,

What do you need?

How far apart do you want to sit,

Et cetera?

So I invited them again to take two deep breaths and to get really present and slow everything down.

You know,

When the energy speeds up,

Remember we are in the adolescent chair when the mind starts rifling through quick,

Quick,

Quick thoughts.

So I asked them to slow everything down and that moves us into our adult chair.

I sometimes will have people even get up and walk around the room or jump up and down to shake off the old energy and change their state.

And remember again,

Heart racing energy is back in the adolescent chair.

The energy of the adult moves steady and slower and is present.

Not that I can't get mad for my adult,

But it feels very different than out of control defensive adolescent energy.

It just might be angry or mad and that's okay from the adult.

But the out of control,

When we go out of control with our anger,

Adolescent chair.

So I asked Jim to think about her being late every night from work.

And he said,

Okay.

And I said,

So what's going on inside of you?

And he said,

It makes me so angry.

I said,

Okay,

Let's slow it down even more.

And I asked him if he could go inside and see if there were any emotions stirring around inside of him.

And remember when we're learning how to do this,

Sometimes we don't know what emotions we're feeling,

But we might feel a sensation in the body that's perfectly okay.

Start there.

Start with,

Oh,

I have tension in my stomach.

Great.

You can share with your partner.

You have tension in your stomach.

That's fine.

You don't need to know the exact emotion.

We're not great at this.

We're not great at knowing what emotions we're having if we haven't been doing this most of our lives.

So he closed his eyes and said,

Yeah,

When I invited him to go even deeper,

I said,

Just be with that mad or that anger for a moment.

He says,

Well,

I'm really mad.

He says,

But you know,

I also feel sad.

And I said,

Good,

Keep everything slow.

Just stay with it.

And I said,

Sit in that just for a moment and feel if anything else comes up for you.

And he had his eyes closed.

And then after a few moments,

He said,

He like suddenly opened his eyes and he says,

Wow,

He said,

This is so weird,

But I feel abandoned.

He says,

When she was getting home so late and even felt invisible,

Like it didn't matter to her.

And she immediately went in and said,

That's not true.

Hold on a minute.

I was not abandoning you.

I was just working late.

It's not my fault that you feel invisible.

I'm da da da da.

And he,

She went on and on and I cut her off.

I said,

Tracy,

Stop.

You left your adult chair.

I said,

Just stop.

And again,

This happens all the time in my sessions.

You know,

We,

We don't hear what the other person is saying.

We are already in our defense.

So I said,

Let's get you back in your adult chair,

Please.

She even said a few things like,

But,

And I said,

Tracy,

This is not about you.

This is about him.

I said,

We must drop our defense.

Let's see what's really going on here.

She's like,

All right,

All right,

All right.

I said,

I want you to take your defense out of it because this is not about you.

It really isn't.

This,

What happens is the story is that she's getting home too late,

But there's so much going on underneath the surface and the unconsciousness.

And that's what we're going for.

And unfortunately,

When we're sharing originally,

Initially the conscious part,

You know,

The part that we're aware of,

Which is that she's getting home late.

The other person gets so triggered that it doesn't help resolve anything.

It just turns into a battle,

Which is what they did when they first walked in my office and they went back and forth.

And I said,

Just wait,

Which is what we do for our adult.

I said,

And it's not about you.

Stay present.

Feet on the floor.

Take a slow,

Deep breath and get back in your body and know that he's got the floor.

Let's let Jim share how he feels again.

So I had her say it again,

Or I had him say it.

I said,

Okay,

Jim,

Say it again.

And he said,

I feel really abandoned and invisible.

And I said,

Okay,

Great.

And he just sat in it.

And I said,

How old do you feel right now?

And he paused for a while and he says,

It's so weird.

He says,

I feel like I'm like four years old when I feel these emotions.

And I said,

Great.

And I said,

Tracy,

I want you to look at Jim as if he's four sitting next to you.

And that's the person that's holding your hand.

And then we just paused and I let that sink in just for a moment.

Again,

I want everything to slow down when we're doing this.

And if you're doing this at home without a therapist or a coach or a practitioner to help you,

It's not about you.

You have to remember that and you have to keep it slow,

Slow everything down.

The moment people start racing and defending,

You're back in the adolescent chair.

So the story of being late was bringing up old wounding for Jim.

And this is what we do with each other.

If you're human,

This happens to you.

If you feel triggered,

It is your stuff.

So even though he was furious at Tracy,

It was his stuff.

I asked Jim to state how he felt again,

Nice and slowly.

And he shared that he felt abandoned and invisible when she worked so late.

I put my hand up to him and said,

Stop.

And I said,

Tracy,

Did you hear what he just said?

And I said,

Don't focus on your work,

But I want you to just notice that he feels abandoned and invisible.

And then she finally heard him and he said,

And she said,

It's like when we are in our defense,

We cannot hear what that other person is even saying.

And I said,

This person in front of you that is coming from a four or five year old place feels invisible and abandoned,

Period.

And she finally heard him.

I had to say it a few times and then I could feel and see the shift right inside of her.

And I just said,

Take a breath,

Let's be with what's coming up.

And then tears started coming down her face and she said,

I had no idea.

I'm so sorry.

And she got it.

We have to drop that defense.

She had to drop that in order to really hear what was going on.

And you have to say present.

It was so beautiful to see this.

And I see this often in my office when people drop their swords and shields and drop into their vulnerability.

So he was vulnerable by sharing and she had to get vulnerable to even hear what was happening.

So then I said,

Why don't you ask Jim what he needs from you right now?

And she did.

She said,

What do you need from me?

And they were looking at each other's eyes and he said,

I just need to hear that you're not going to leave me and I need to hear that you love me.

And she said,

I will never leave you and I love you so much.

And I invited them to take another deep breath that slows everything down again and stays present.

And I said,

Jim,

Do you need anything else?

And he said,

I'd love a hug.

So they embraced,

They both had tears.

It was so amazing and beautiful.

This is healthy communication,

Healthy emotional communication.

And it doesn't mean all the time that there has to be tears or it has to be this heavy,

But this is how it works.

When we really can hear what our loved one is going through,

Regardless if we are triggering them or not,

When we really hear their wound,

It not only helps them heal,

But strengthens our relationship.

So once Jim heard this validation from Tracy,

Her being late didn't bother him nearly as much.

And Tracy decided on her own to start coming home earlier a few nights a week.

And when she was late,

She would call him and check in to say,

I love you.

She did that not because he asked her to,

But because she loved this man and she heard him.

She heard his little child.

So the feeling with Jim now that what was so amazing is that the wound began to heal in a big way because what happened was his mother left when he was a young child right around the age of four and he never saw her again until he was in his twenties.

She abandoned him and he wasn't even aware that that was still affecting him.

He lived with his father only.

His grandmother came over all the time and helped raised him.

And even though he seemed like he was over it and he would say to me,

Oh no,

No,

I'm over that.

You know,

I've worked on that.

I'm not bothered by my mom,

My mother and I have a great relationship right now and I have forgiven her and we moved on,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

His little boy inside hadn't and there was an old wound there and it was wide open and Tracy was,

It's just like shoving salt into an open wound.

That's what she was doing for him,

Not to him intentionally for him.

So he could see that wound and then transform that wound and he did.

I still see them and it's amazing what has happened to their relationship because they've learned how to communicate like this.

So if you're human and alive on this planet,

This is happening to you.

You have unconscious beliefs and wounds that are rising up and it's an opportunity for healing and transforming when this happens.

We want to learn how to be masterful listeners in your relationships from the adult chair.

It is truly a game changer.

I promise.

So if you're triggered when your partner sharing,

Because this will happen,

Let them know you need a minute,

Walk away and come back,

But find your adult,

Take a breath,

Get centered and come back.

You have to practice because sometimes when someone sharing,

It's about us just like Jim and Tracy and it's okay.

It's okay.

But remember what happened with Jim and Tracy.

He was making it about her,

But in reality it wasn't.

It was actually about his mother.

This is where these beliefs are coming from deep inside of us from a young space,

But our adult relationships are triggering them.

It's not about what's happening now as adults.

I promise.

And I know many of you are saying,

My partner won't do this.

I say,

Give them this podcast and let them listen.

If they still won't,

You begin to show up as your adult.

I wouldn't suggest you being sharing your,

I don't suggest ever.

I've had people do this.

Well,

I shared my emotions and I was vulnerable with my husband and he got upset with me or I was vulnerable with my wife and she yelled at me.

If the other person is not aware of how to be in their adult,

They're probably going to get defensive.

Not always,

But probably there's a good chance and they're going to get triggered and land in their adolescent share and start defending and getting mad.

And I have clients and seen comments on social media from people that are asking me what to do if their spouse,

Boyfriend,

Girlfriend,

Et cetera,

Will not participate in this.

In fact,

Their partner might even hold the stance that they're just never wrong.

They might gaslight,

Which means distort the truth and try to make you believe like it's your fault or never take responsibility for anything.

And it's always about you.

And if you could change,

Then their relationship would be better.

And again,

I'm going to call,

Excuse my French.

That's bullshit.

Relationships take two and two people need to take responsibility.

Okay.

It could be that you're in a relationship with a narcissist or someone else is just not capable of having a healthy relationship.

And I don't know how to tell that's your job to find your reality with that.

No matter who you are in relationship with though,

I would suggest you put what I've just taught you today to work.

If they're a hundred percent against it,

I would really reevaluate your relationship and get clear on who you are in this relationship.

And if you really want to stay,

And again,

I'm not suggesting that you divorce your person or leave if they can't do this,

But I'm just going to say this,

A healthy person that loves you and wants a healthy relationship with you will want to participate in ways to help make your relationship stronger and enhance the connection.

That's what healthy people do.

Now they might be scared.

They might be like avoidant in the beginning,

But they're going to say something like,

I'd like to try,

But it really scares me.

Or I'm,

I don't know.

I'm scared.

I don't know about this.

Or they might make fun of it in the beginning,

But you know what?

They're going to come around if they really love you and if they're healthy or they want to become healthy.

And if you come at it from a place of,

I just want to build a really deep connection with you.

I want our intimacy to be stronger and it needs,

We need to be more vulnerable.

Just use some phrases like that and then see what happens.

But as always stay connected to yourself.

What are you feeling?

What are you thinking?

What's true for you?

It's all about you.

Remember,

See clearly who this person is that's sitting in front of you.

Are they abusive?

Are they addicted?

What's true?

Stop denying your reality.

If you're with someone that truly can't have a healthy relationship,

We don't want to keep sweeping this kind of thing under the carpet.

It's time to set a boundary for yourself.

You have to be the caretaker of you.

No one else is the best caretaker of you,

But you.

So again,

I'm not saying start throwing relationships away or get divorces,

But you have to just see what's in front of you.

Take those rose colored glasses off and get clear about your reality.

So when you show up in your healthy adult and demonstrate this and take it slowly with them,

I've seen changes happen in relationships.

You show up healthy,

Just let's see what happens.

You may be really surprised,

But we have to hear each other.

We have to hear.

And when we really hear what the other person is saying,

It does change us.

We have to model for others how to be healthy,

So maybe you show up first in that way.

Okay.

This was a long,

Big,

Heavy topic.

Lots of information today.

So I hope you all enjoyed it.

These are just some tips on how we do relationships from the adult chair.

Of course,

There's much more of it.

This is a big part of it.

So let me know what you think of the show today.

Would love to hear your comments.

Hit me up on Instagram at michelle.

Shellfont or Facebook,

Of course,

And remember to come check out theadultchair.

Com forward slash membership.

If you really want to learn more and more about the adult chair model for yourself,

I'll be teaching every month.

You get lots of great tools and help to learn this model and live in your own adult chair.

And I promise you,

I will be doing a relationship month and we will work on all of this.

So come join us.

And remember,

This month is all about the inner child.

February is all about the inner child.

And if you're listening to this at a future date and you join the membership site,

Guess what?

You can go back and listen to any previous months and get all the videos,

All the information.

So join us.

We'd love to have you.

Lots of great conversations going on in there about the inner child right now.

So thanks to all of you who listen and share the show.

And I love your beautiful ratings.

Thank you for your comments.

It really does help others find their own adult chair.

And this is Michelle Schelfant signing off.

Have a wonderful week,

Everyone.

I love you all.

And I will see you seated next week firmly in the adult chair.

Reviews

This was a fantastic talk on how to really connect with how you are truly feeling and share with your partner. Figuring out what your inner child needs and sharing that is a great lesson!

I will book mark this to listen to again - very sound advice and effective techniques to help with communication within and with others.
I have now listened to this a second time and I really appreciate the advice on how to have better communication. I have been having issues with my closest friend and recognise what is needed. I have taken the first step to ask for a time to talk and am waiting on step 2 when we hopefully will meet to talk through our feelings. So a big thank you Michelle and I will let you know how it goes! 🩷

So glad you are adding more talks to insight timer! Thank you! 😊🙏💚🌟

Really interesting and helpful, lots to think about. I'm starting to see where some of my issues come from and hopefully now have the tools to start dealingwith them. Thank you 🙏

This was really heavy and a big topic but so good. Thank you!

Definitely hit home. Totally resonated. Cant wait to put what I learned into practice.

It is a very good course that puts everything together in one hour. It touches everything I need to be aware. I just need to find a partner to put that into practice :).

Amazing. It was also reassuring that I am walking in my healthy self daily. At times my inner child takes the stage when my adult self is worn out. Great self awareness has resulted because of this. I will share. Thank you.

And now to see if my partner is really committed to a close,loving relationship.

I don’t leave comments on this platform but this one earned it! Good stuff.

So helpful!!!! I have a hard time not trying to “fix” /help so listening is my downfall for now, and my partner it seems doesn’t share and doesn’t know what he needs for support. Appreciate this so much!

Thank you for all the wonderful work you’ve done… on yourself and for others!
This is really helpful.

Amazing. Everyone in a relationship should listen to this

Very useful and insightful information. Wish there were more couple therapists like you. So much suffering could be avoided if we knew how to communicate and listen. Thank you so much for your beautiful work. Namaste 😊

That was exactly what I needed. This talk resonated with me completely and the example with the couple was relevant and easy to understand. Thank you for sharing!

Excellent! Baseline information with immediately applicable tools. Thank you.

This was phenomenal! All of what you say resonates with me, Michelle, thank you so much for sharing your gift with us!!

I love, love, love the clarity and practicality of your teaching together with the tips on what to do and how to, so one can adopt immediately.

Deeply grateful for finding you.!

Really great and informative talk about communicating in relationships from a place of love and emotional maturity. I’ll be taking the advice and applying to my relationship immediately!

Wonderful talk on healthy relationships and vulnerability with great examples!

Love the concept. Will look up website for more info.. Can see the three chairs happening. Excited to learn more