A Course in Miracles,
Talk 19 The AAA Approach to Forgiveness Part 1 of 2 Dr Kenneth Wopnik has identified in A Course in Miracles three steps on the path of forgiveness,
Which I find helpful in understanding the nature of true forgiveness.
I have used these steps as my inspiration for the AAA Approach to Forgiveness described below.
Step 1 Awareness The workbook of A Course in Miracles states,
Conflict must be resolved.
It cannot be evaded,
Set aside,
Denied,
Disguised,
Seen somewhere else,
Called by another name,
Or hidden by deceit of any kind,
If it would be escaped.
It must be seen exactly as it is,
Where it is thought to be,
In the reality which has been given it,
And with the purpose that the mind has accorded it.
But only then are its defences lifted and the truth can shine upon it as it disappears.
Without awareness,
The journey of forgiveness cannot begin.
Awareness reveals to us what lies in our mind.
If we can observe our minds without any judgement of what we find,
We will also allow what is in the unconscious to rise up into the conscious.
If we keep observing like this,
Ever deeper layers are permitted to rise into our awareness.
However,
Should censoring occur,
We will hide the thoughts of which we are ashamed behind a wall of denial.
It is this fear of discovering what is hidden in our mind that stops us looking and sets us projecting.
The very fact we get upset at so much of what happens in the world is an indication of the degree to which we have buried what we do not wish to look at in ourselves.
The world acts as a mirror to the contents of our unconsciousness.
It is easy to be aware of the things we find desirable and bring us pleasure.
Whether it is our personal relationships or watching the news that upsets us,
Both are pointing back to our unconscious.
But none of this is easy,
Otherwise we wouldn't have placed our shameful thoughts in the unconscious in the first place.
As Nisargadatta Maharaj states,
The first steps in self-acceptance are not at all pleasant,
For what one sees is not a happy sight.
One needs all the courage to go further.
What helps is silence.
Look at yourself in total silence.
Do not describe yourself.
From I am that.
We must not underestimate the resistance we all feel to become aware of our darker or shadow side.
However,
By using the world as a mirror to what is unforgiving in our minds,
We have a golden opportunity to become aware of what we have hidden away in our unconscious.
If we do have the willingness to attempt this task,
We simultaneously call upon our inner guide to take our ego projections and use them to show us what we have repressed or denied.
In this manner,
We can turn tables on our ego and use its very misperceptions to lead us back to what needs forgiving in ourselves.
For most of us,
The focus of our awareness is the outer world.
We become preoccupied with our job,
Family,
Hobbies,
Relationships,
News,
Events,
Etc.
The demands of our busy modern life seem to require all our attention.
Indeed,
We may deliberately cultivate busyness to help prevent us from looking at the distress and grievances within.
Thus,
A vicious circle begins,
Causing our inner pain to increase as we seek more and more ways to escape from it.
To uncover the pain and guilt in our mind,
We need to develop the role of compassionate witness.
By standing back and simply observing what is happening in our mind,
We can set ourselves on the road to healing.
The very fact we can distance ourselves from our thoughts and simply observe them shows us that we are not those thoughts.
We can say,
I have thoughts but I am not my thoughts.
To realise there is a part of our mind that can watch our thoughts is liberating.
A watcher or compassionate witness is different from what is being watched and carries with it a sense of being,
As in to be,
To exist,
Not a being this or that.
When the watcher becomes identified with what it is watching,
Then all our problems begin and we fall into the trap of identifying with negative thoughts and feeling ashamed,
Even identifying with positive thoughts and feeling pride.
Feeling guilty at what we have seen on the screen of our mind will tempt us to deny or to change it,
Blocking our way to true healing.
Maintaining attention without identification with the thought process means the content of our mind can be revealed to us,
Allowing the process of forgiveness to continue.
Try to become like a scientist who needs to understand some new phenomenon that has been discovered.
Judging any observations will limit understanding and distort the findings.
Eckhart Tolle states,
Start listening to the voice in your head as often as you can.
Pay particular attention to any repetitive thought patterns,
Those old gramophone records that have been playing in your head perhaps for perhaps many years.
Be there as the witnessing presence.
When you listen to that voice,
Listen to it impartially.
That is to say,
Do not judge.
But doing so would mean that the same voice has come in again through the back door.
You will soon realise there is the voice and here I am listening to it,
Watching it,
From the power of now.
Step 2.
Acceptance.
What you resist persists.
What you accept can heal.
The theme of acceptance has already been touched upon and will now be developed more fully.
Before practising awareness,
We will be unaware of much of our motivation for doing things,
Perhaps ascribing positive reasons for much of our behaviour.
A little honest observation of our thoughts and behaviour would likely reveal that some of our motivation is not as noble as we first thought.
The ego,
As ever,
Is waiting with its counsel of denial and projection and,
If allowed,
Will force the new insights back into the unconscious.
Ignorance is bliss,
It proclaims,
But fails to inform us how the submerged problem will now be projected out into the world where it is safely removed from healing.
Without acceptance,
Judgement follows and forgiveness becomes impossible.
Acceptance of another's inappropriate behaviour is a powerful gift of healing.
This does not mean standing by and allowing yourself or others to be hurt.
It refers to a non-judgemental awareness and acceptance of the other,
Seeing their behaviour as a call for help.
To illustrate this,
Let's consider the example of a man who is a compulsive paedophile.
He is arrested and brought to trial before a judge who believes the crime is a sin and deserves punishment.
The judge has no difficulty in sentencing the man to a long term imprisonment,
Hoping that it will incur much suffering for the prisoner.
Now consider the same trial,
But with a judge who does not condemn the man,
But sees his actions as a call for help.
The judge realises the man is at present incapable of controlling his actions and the safety of children is therefore at risk.
Further,
With each attack upon the child,
The man is becoming increasingly guilty and feeling more and more desperate about a situation that is out of control.
For both reasons,
The judge feels that this man must be put away for his own sake as well as for the children's.
The judge's hope is that he can find an institution where there is some possibility of therapy,
So that by the time the prisoner will no longer be a threat to society.
The two judges hand out similar sentences,
But with entirely different motivations.
The power of acceptance is clearly depicted in the film Sunrise,
A Miracle of Love,
1979,
Which centers on the true story of Barry and Susie Coffman and their autistic three-year-old son,
Ruan.
At about the age of one,
Ruan began to withdraw from human contact into his own world.
His body developed a rocky motion and he would stretch out his arms and twirl his fingers.
Spinning a plate would fascinate him and he would spend long periods of time blocked in these behaviours.
Ruan was diagnosed as autistic with no hope of recovery.
The doctor's advice was to institutionalize him for his own best interest.
Barry and Susie took him for therapy,
But were dismayed to find it focused on changing his behaviour through a system of punishment and reward.
They withdrew Ruan from therapy and decided to try and help him themselves.
It seemed to Ruan's parents that he did not feel safe in the world and so withdrew into his own self-created universe.
This was his haven from an unpredictable and unaccepting world.
In order to lure him into the real world,
They had to make him feel safe,
Which could never happen if they judged and threatened his inner world.
Instead,
They decided to show Ruan that he was loved and accepted exactly as he was.
To prove this to him,
They decided to show acceptance for not only allowing his behaviour to continue,
But also by sitting in front of him and mimicking his very actions.
The Coffmans took turns to be with Ruan,
Spending up to 12 hours at a time with him,
Seven days a week for two and a half years.
During this period,
He started to show signs of coming out of his world by making eye contact with his parents for the very first time.
The progress continued and then Ruan suddenly relapsed into his old compulsive behaviour.
Undeterred,
They continued spending time with him and mimicking his behaviour until he again started to relate to them and eventually showed no signs of autism at all.
The Coffmans' treatment of their son was simply based on continuous,
Unconditional acceptance of their son's behaviour.
Perhaps few parents or assisted children will have the resources and the time to do what the Coffmans did,
But nonetheless,
It is an outstanding example of the power of acceptance.
Here is an exercise in accepting another for two people.
This is a simple but useful exercise in accepting what another is saying to you.
It will also provide insight into your ability to listen without comment and whether you find it easier to be the one who talks or the one who listens.
Find another person to pair up with.
Sit facing each other and choose who is A and who is B.
A's role is to talk on any subject for five minutes.
B's role is to listen to A without speaking,
Simply trying to take in and understand what B is meaning.
B must communicate non-verbally that she or he is listening intently to A.
After five minutes,
B tells A it's time to switch roles.
Don't start any conversation while switching roles.
B now talks on any subject for five minutes while A listens attentively in silence.
At the end of five minutes,
A tells B that she or he can now stop.
Take some time to discuss what you learn from this experience.
For example,
How was it to just listen to another and accept what she or he said?
Was it easier to talk or to listen?
Does this reflect your life experience and are you aware why you prefer one role to another?
