Right Speech,
A talk by Maggie Stevens.
Recently on public radio,
There was a fascinating story of a woman with a rare ability called HSAM,
Highly superior autobiographical recall.
People with this condition have total recall of every event in their own lives.
For example,
They can describe where they were and what they were doing on every February 26th,
From the most recent one all the way back through their childhood.
The story was riveting.
However,
It was something the woman's mother said that brought me up short.
She reflected that she didn't recall how many times she had spoken in anger or frustration to her daughter.
But she knew that her daughter would remember every unkind word she had ever spoken.
Ouch.
We humans are social animals,
Which means we communicate a lot.
Sometimes we speak to share ideas.
Sometimes we speak to connect.
To be truthful,
Sometimes we talk just to hear our own voices.
The Buddha was wise to make Right Speech part of the Eightfold Path to alleviate suffering because our words certainly can cause suffering,
Even unintentional.
The Buddha suggests that before we open our mouths,
We let our thoughts pass through three gates or filters.
First,
Is it true?
Second,
Is it necessary?
And third,
Is it kind?
Let's look at each filter individually.
Reflecting if a thought is true or not asks us to look at our sources of information.
Am I sharing my own experience?
Beyond that,
I'm relying on outside sources.
In this time of social media and 24-hour news cycles,
We know there's extensive smoke and mirrors out there.
When we share an idea,
We can remember it is what we believe to be true,
Preferably based on facts.
Our reality is not always the same as that of the receiver's.
Whether information is necessary or not is an interesting filter.
How often do we believe that others would benefit from our wisdom?
You might be able to think of times when others shared their insights with you.
This is the correct way for toilet paper rolls to hang.
That color does not suit you.
You know what your problem is.
When we are vulnerable,
We don't need to be poked.
Even if the advice is indeed the answer to solve our problems,
We would rather be able to catch our breath before we're ready for the solution.
The third filter,
Is it kind,
Can be the trickiest.
We can usually identify when we're being snarky or sarcastic.
To paraphrase Justice Stewart's comment on obscenity,
We know it when we hear it.
If we are mindful,
This speech is the easiest to catch and eliminate.
However,
There are times when our intentions are clear and kind,
But the words land hurtfully on the listener.
We can't know everyone's backstory or,
As Eckhart Tolle said,
Where their pain body is.
Using deep listening,
Together with right speech,
We can be aware of the other person's words and nonverbal communication.
We can reflect back what we thought we heard and check our own understanding.
We can share our intentions and apologize when we cause suffering.
Communication is a dance of ideas and emotions between peoples.
It requires effort and awareness,
Two of the other parts of the Eightfold Path.
We can practice skillful speech by being both kind and generous with our words.
We can thank people,
Give compliments,
And can show interest in others by asking questions.
We can call to check on our neighbors or friends.
If we practice right speech,
When people recall our words,
They will remember them as true,
Necessary,
And kind.
I thank you for listening and invite you to my other talks on Insight Timer.
This is Maggie Stevens.
