Loving-Kindness for Difficult People by Maggie Stevens Loving-kindness or metta is traditionally taught in a specific order.
Generally,
One starts with oneself,
Then a benefactor,
A friend,
A neutral person,
A difficult person,
And finally expanding to the whole world and all beings.
Sometimes,
One starts with a benefactor first and then moves on to oneself.
Offering loving-kindness to difficult people is,
Well,
Difficult.
We may question whether a person deserves the blessings of happiness,
Health,
And peace.
When someone hurts us,
Or we see someone hurt a person or a group of people for whom we care,
We can get angry.
Anger is an alarm emotion.
Its purpose is to draw our attention that something is wrong.
Maybe a boundary has been crossed.
As the mindfulness teacher Ruth King shares,
Anger is initiatory but not transformational.
It will get us only so far.
It invites us to use our discernment,
Wisdom,
To act in a skillful way.
As individuals,
We can't change institutions or injustices by ourselves.
We can join with others using our voices,
Time,
And resources.
The educator Russell Barkley said,
The children who need love the most will ask for it in the most unlovable ways.
And the same is true for adults.
We can practice Metta or loving-kindness for difficult people.
This meditation is based on the work of Jack Kornfield and is designed to create more space in our hearts,
Both for ourselves and for difficult people.
As the meditation proceeds,
Remember that you are in control.
If any suggestion brings you to a place that is too intense,
You can return to an anchor like your breath,
You can open your eyes,
Or offer loving-kindness to yourself because at the moment you're the one who needs it.
Use your innate wisdom to do what is best for you.
Start by getting comfortable.
You can choose to sit,
Stand,
Or lie down comfortably.
If you are sitting in a chair,
Have your feet flat on the floor,
Reminding you that you are present and grounded and you have no other place to go than right here and right now.
In whatever position you choose,
Have your back straight,
Not rigid or slumped.
We'll start by settling the body.
Try bringing your attention to your feet,
The bottoms of your feet,
Your toes,
The tops of your feet.
Try moving it to your ankles,
Shins,
And calves.
Moving up to your knees and thighs.
Move to your connection with your seat,
Your pelvis and buttocks.
As you inhale,
Move your breath up your spine.
Now try moving it across your shoulder blades and down your arms,
Your biceps and triceps,
Elbows,
Forearms,
Wrists,
Hands,
And fingers.
See if you can be aware of your arms from the tips of your shoulders to the ends of your fingers.
Now try bringing your attention to your chest as it moves with your breath,
And then feel your breath in your belly.
Next,
Try moving it to your throat and neck,
Then to your jaw,
Your mouth,
Your nose,
Your eye sockets and eyes,
Your cheekbones,
Forehead,
Temples,
Ears,
And your scalp.
See if you can bring your focus of attention out to include your whole body from your toes to the top of your head.
See if you can breathe into the space of your body.
And if you find any places of tension,
Let your breath and attention rest there lightly.
I invite you to bring your attention to your heart space and see if with each breath,
You can bring more space to this area.
Now try bringing to mind someone who's difficult.
Try not to start with the most difficult person you know.
See if you can find someone who's just mildly annoying.
Perhaps in the last week,
Someone said something thoughtless to you or cut you off in traffic.
On a scale of 1 to 10,
This person should be in the range of a 3.
See if you can get a clear picture in your mind of the person or the situation.
Consider that this person wants to be happy and peaceful,
Just like you.
This person suffers and has disappointments,
Just like you.
You might share,
It is my intention to forgive you.
Let those words sit in your heart.
You might see if there's room there to forgive this person.
If you don't feel forgiveness,
Do not judge yourself.
Remind yourself that you have a kind and wise heart.
If you wish,
You can simply say,
It is my intention to forgive you some point in the future.
And if those are words you can't say either,
Then just remind yourself of your kind and wise heart.
And if you like,
You can place a hand on it.
You might try offering the person the following phrases.
May you be free from suffering.
May you be free from fear.
May you be free from anger.
May you be free from hate.
May you be free from ignorance.
May you be free from greed.
May you be free from delusion.
May you rest in compassion.
May your heart be peaceful.
May you be free from fear.
May you be free from anger.
May you be free from hate.
May you be free from ignorance.
May you be free from greed.
May you be free from delusion.
May your heart be peaceful.
May you be free from suffering and fear.
May you be free from anger and hate.
May you be free from ignorance and greed.
May you be free from delusion,
Grasping,
And aversion.
May you rest in compassion.
May your heart be peaceful.
You might try repeating any of the words that resonate the most with you.
And I invite you to check in with your heart space.
Be curious.
Is there more space there?
More peace?
You might be curious if anything has shifted.
Sit for the next few moments in the peace of your own kind and wise heart.
Thank you for sharing this time with me as we work for a more skillful,
Just,
And peaceful world.
