The Wisdom Of Letting Go Of Control

In our Weekly Sangha, we explore letting go not through the ego's desire to maintain control, pretending to let go of control so it can get its way, but through wisdom. Understanding that choices arise in each moment, shaped by causes and conditions.

Transcript

From Thomas,

Yes,

Sometimes we aren't seeing or able to see the healthiest choices.

So while I say,

And I say this because it's the reality,

You know,

We're not in control.

We are arising based on causes and conditions,

Okay?

And yet,

Every word here said is a condition influencing you.

And so the more that we are arising in our ego,

The more the habit of our ego is being the major influence,

The major condition affecting our choices,

Choicing,

The more short-term our choicing tends to be,

And the more unhealthy and unskillful when the ego is in control.

Because the ego is me,

Me,

Me,

Want,

Want,

Want,

Doesn't think about tomorrow,

Doesn't think about the future,

Just,

I want it now,

I want it now.

And so that condition leads to a lot of bad choicing.

The more,

And all the conditions,

Thomas and everyone here that have led us all on a spiritual path,

All of those millions and billions and trillions of conditions that led us on a spiritual path,

And that touched something in us that kept us going on this path,

Because many people come on a spiritual path and go off of it,

Or start meditating,

And it doesn't stick,

They're conditions.

But for whatever reason,

For whatever good,

I would argue,

Whatever blessings that you have,

That this resonates with you,

And that you stay close to your spiritual path,

The more that that's kind of the direction,

Right,

The causes and conditions are leading you.

So you're you're meditating more,

You're mindful more,

You're opening your heart more,

You're coming on your sangha calls,

You're reading spiritual texts,

All of those conditions leading to better choicing,

More healthy,

More skillful choicing,

Hearing,

Understanding things,

Right?

Because the challenge is,

Is the old habits,

The old thought habits and patterns that are so dominant,

And so immediate,

Like wanting that immediate gratification.

And sometimes our mindfulness practice comes in,

And we see it,

We go,

Oh,

That's right,

Breathe,

Just feel the craving,

Come back into it.

Or just because of this talk,

You have a little thought,

And you remember,

Oh,

Yeah,

That's how my brain works.

Actually,

So you know what,

This is a condition now.

Ah,

I will just sit and meditate for five minutes before I maybe check my email or text messages or something.

I'll just do that.

Because that's a new condition.

So it's when we're saying,

I just want to go back to your question here,

Thomas,

It's not just so much is out of our control,

And everything's out of our control.

But the conditions that are arising,

Every condition,

Every previous experience is having an effect,

Is a condition.

And so it's not a way of saying,

Well,

There's nothing I can do about it,

And then let the ego take over.

I mean,

Even though you're not controlling that,

But I just don't want you to take the message in that way.

So I just want to try and affect the conditioning that way.

It's not a,

Well,

There's nothing I can do about it.

Because that's not seeing this through wisdom.

In fact,

That's kind of seeing that through,

And I'm not suggesting that that's how you're seeing this,

Thomas,

Because I'm taking it a little bit further.

But that's almost the ego kind of giving a cop out,

Well,

Just nothing matters.

It's all out of my control.

I'll have the large french fries and the chocolate cake and the Diet Coke.

And let me just put up my YouTube at the same time,

Like it it's the ego kind of using it as a convenient excuse to get what it wants,

In seeing that there is nothing here independent in control.

Choicing happening,

Decisioning happening,

Based on all the previous causes and conditions and what's happening at this particular moment,

All the causes and conditions that are arising in this moment,

Pushing one direction versus another.

That's the wisdom of seeing that,

Oh,

There's nothing here independent in control.

Oh.

And so in that letting go,

Because it's the ego that thinks it's in control.

It's the ego that's always coming in afterwards with thought to claim,

Why did I do that?

Because I'm such an idiot.

Why did I do that?

Because I'm so good.

It's always coming in afterwards to try and claim responsibility,

Instead of seeing the reality of how each of us is arising.

So it's the seeing that there's nothing in control,

Is at the same time seeing the illusion of the ego.

And often it's one of its last strongholds,

Where the ego is like,

Oh,

I'm an illusion,

And I crave things,

And I want to push things.

I want things that are pleasant.

I want to push things that are unpleasant.

But then we still kind of fool ourselves.

But there is still something here making decisions.

There is still something that's independent here that could have done something differently.

And it's just the ego.

It's still the ego.

And so just to be clear,

And I know you did not frame it this way,

Thomas,

I just wanted to use this as an example.

Because for whatever reason,

The way that I read it was kind of like,

Oh,

Maybe a good way to say this,

To remind us.

It's not this,

Well,

Everything's out of my control.

What can I do?

I might as well just,

Drink,

Party,

Do whatever I want.

Nothing matters.

That's just the ego.

That's just more ego.

Seeing that there's nothing here independent.

That's the key word here.

There's nothing independent,

Solid here.

Nothing here that rests outside of this causal,

Interconnected,

Interdependent universe that we are all a part of and arising out of.

That there's nothing separate here about Meredith.

There's nothing separate in Thomas or JC or Melissa,

Right?

There's nothing separate inside of us.

That's again,

Remember,

Separate self.

Soon as the ego arises,

I'm separate.

And I'm making decisions.

And so,

And I'm making decisions,

Instead of seeing the conditions of how things are arising.

And it's in that wisdom of seeing it,

That there isn't this extreme of going to,

Well,

It doesn't matter.

It's just kind of saying,

Oh,

No,

I'm just this kind of frothy bubble that's arising.

Yes,

Having the experience of Meredith,

Based on all of you,

Based on the weather,

Based on what's happening,

Whether the electricity is working or not,

Whether it's the dogs are barking or not,

You know,

Whether someone's at the gate right now honking their horn or not,

All of those things is affecting how I'm arising in this moment.

There is an experience happening here,

But not a solid independent experience.

This is how we go through life thinking that there is a me,

Meredith separate from the world,

Having an independent experience that we will give some of it saying,

Yeah,

There's causes and conditions,

And I can see where some of it is.

But still,

There's something,

There's a little homunculus somewhere in here,

That's independent of all of this,

That's make that's in control.

And that's what leads us into so many bad choicing,

That condition of the ego,

Leading to so much bad choicing.

But as we go more down the spiritual path,

And we understand more about our mind and the thought habits and the ego,

The more that we understand this and the brain,

And I do think it's helpful to just kind of understand these little things,

Not as like little hacks about the brain,

I don't,

But it's just helpful to understand what's going on.

When we think,

You know,

When you see the sugary tree,

And your brain's just,

Your brain,

Of course,

Thinks sugary tree,

That's survival.

That's why it's giving you all that dopamine,

Go get it,

Go get it,

Go get it.

But we know,

None of us are worried,

You know,

We're not gonna have to go without food for the next three days.

It's,

It's,

It's not,

It's not necessarily a good choice for us anymore.

And it's good for us to know,

To be able to overcome our brain's instincts for survival.

Because even when we're,

Someone's just offended us,

They put us down,

They've been rude to us in some way,

Right?

Our brain is perceiving that as a threat.

And it's initiating the stress response.

And so when I,

And other teachers will say,

Like,

Come in and feel it,

Breathe,

Right?

It's okay,

You don't have to react,

Like pause for a moment.

Everything in your brain is saying,

No,

This is about survival.

You need to fire off something right away to this person,

Put them in their place.

So we're often being asked to override our brain's instincts for survival.

But that's survival in a different world,

Not the world we live in today.

And not even the world of the Buddhist time.

I mean,

You know,

This was a world of 10,

000 plus years ago.

You know,

Not the world that we live in today.

Definitely not the world we live in today.

None of us are worried.

Very few of us are worried.

I say this carefully,

Because I know there's someone on this call that does have war very close to them.

But most of us,

We'll just say most of us are not worried about walking out our front door and that we're going to be attacked by a tiger.

But we just go out,

You know,

We walk out the front door,

Creating all these paper tigers in our head.

I got to get over there,

I got to do this.

Oh,

Shoot,

And I've got to get this done.

And how quickly can I get it done?

And the brain's thinking like,

Oh,

It's a race,

Right?

And there's the stress and the craving,

Right?

The craving,

Right?

That's the dopamine,

The motivation reward pathway.

When you also pay attention to it,

It doesn't feel as good as you think.

Not when you're craving for an object in that direction.

In the hindsight,

The way that I'm talking about when you put the effort in first and you get the dopamine afterwards,

It's a much smoother,

More pleasant sensation,

Just kind of a nice little energy that you've got.

But when you're doing it in this way,

You've got the craving,

You've got the stress.

And you're just going about doing your errands that you do once a week,

Twice a week,

Maybe every day,

Living our lives as though we're always being chased by tigers when we're not.

And so,

You know,

Again,

It's like,

We talk about this,

The to-do list,

The tasks,

Going off,

Noticing the mind,

Going ahead of itself,

Bringing it back.

Depending upon how far down the rabbit hole you are,

I mean,

It can be really hard to do that.

It feels like I can't take my eyes off of it.

It feels as though it's this tiger in front of you,

A snake in front of you.

And so that's why,

Again,

The more we practice this when we have the good conditions,

As most of us have here,

Most of us have more time in our schedule to add in little moments,

Just instead of on your lunch break,

Watching something on your phone,

Or then catching up on the news,

Or even maybe going to lunch with a friend thinking,

You know,

I'm just going to do one hour.

I'm going to sit here quietly on my own.

I'm going to eat mindfully.

I'm going to put my food away.

And then I'm going to put my plates away at the end.

And I'm just going to sit in some silence and hear the sounds and maybe close my eyes for a few moments,

You know,

Making that a short,

You know,

A short little mini retreat.

So the more ways that we can bring this into our lives while we have the good conditions,

The easier it becomes for us because we're not so reactive,

Because every time you're doing that,

Even just that little,

And it's just a little bit,

It's not like life threatening stress,

But there's a little like,

The craving for,

If you're used to having,

You know,

The TV on when you're eating.

And I know like Libby,

My sister's on here,

We grew up in a household where we had the TV on all the time.

It was on in the kitchen,

Like we were eating our meals,

Watching the TV.

And I know for myself,

It's funny because since,

I mean,

I live in a house now,

I don't have a TV.

But when I first kind of left the traditional householder's life 10 years ago,

And I had my RV,

Of course,

I didn't have a TV anymore.

But anytime I was staying with someone,

And there was a TV,

There was this impulse to want to turn the TV on right away,

Like,

Oh,

It's a TV,

You know,

Or if you're in a hotel,

Like,

Oh,

And just that kind of constant,

Like,

Always,

There was such a familiarity towards it.

But it was just those few minutes of noticing it,

Of being mindful,

Like,

Oh,

That cravings there,

Breathe into it,

It's not too,

Hasn't gotten too far away from me.

Oh,

Yeah,

I don't really want the sound of the TV.

You're right,

It's just that kind of habit.

And something because when we were young,

We just had the TV on all the time.

And so a lot of the time,

A lot of these little habits,

There's a little bit of stress and craving,

Right,

For it to reach.

And it's just a little bit easier in those situations to go,

Oh,

You just feel it's a little bit uncomfortable.

It is a little uncomfortable,

Right?

Making the healthy choice for the salad over the piece of chocolate cake.

There's a,

You could breathe into that little bit of discomfort.

Right?

But you will always feel better after the salad,

I guarantee you.

You will always feel better.

And the chocolate cake,

Right?

You eat it,

It's five minutes and it's done.

Right?

And it's like,

Okay,

The first few bites feel good.

I think it's the first three or four bites and then the dopamine starts tapering off.

Usually by the last two or three bites,

It doesn't even taste that good anymore because the portions are so big.

But we just feel this need to finish it off.

It doesn't even feel that good.

So if you notice that,

Pause and say,

You know what,

I'm going to take the rest of this home and have it later.

Being more in tune with our body,

Noticing those craving moments and those stress moments when they start to build up so we can breathe into it and come back.

So that those times when it's really getting,

The stresses are really stacking up and it really feels life-threatening,

The more that we've done it in those little moments,

The more easier it is for us to go,

Oh yeah,

This is my brain thinking this is life-threatening.

I understand what's happening.

Wow,

It really does feel life-threatening that this person is threatening me,

Even though it's just that it's been a stressful day and they just got my order wrong.

It wasn't personal,

Right?

It just helps us to also be able to realize like,

Okay,

That's all that was happening.

Let me just breathe.

I know I am perceiving this incorrectly.

I maybe can't go directly to,

It's not personal compassion,

But I can just breathe and know that I'm probably not seeing things correctly right now.

And the more that I can breathe and start to trust what's here and feel the breath moving through my body and feel that spaciousness opening up and you go,

Okay,

Yeah,

I'm actually,

I'm back now.

I'm back now.

Yeah.

Wow.

A moment ago,

It felt like life or death.

It's not,

It wasn't life or death.

So,

You know,

We are being asked to override our brain's instincts for survival,

Even just going on social media.

In fact,

Jim,

If you're still on here and I hope it's okay,

Where you shared it on Sunday's call,

When we did the half-day mindfulness retreat,

We met in the morning on live and then,

You know,

Two and a half hours on your own.

And then we met at the end and Jim had shared that he felt some anxiety being separated from the phone,

Right?

So,

You know,

Noticing that,

Like,

That it can create a little anxiety that we're separated from something for a few hours,

Right?

To notice,

Wow,

That's the effect of this.

I mean,

Our phones are useful.

They're helpful.

Technology is useful.

Look,

We're all able to be here together because of it.

But when we get too attached to it,

That our brain can create anxiety simply because we've put it on do not disturb for a few hours is showing us there's a problem.

So,

All these little ways that we can catch it and to keep coming back,

To breathe,

To be here,

To be more mindful,

To pay attention to how things are arising,

How you are arising in each moment,

Interdependent,

Interconnected,

Interconnected,

Seeing the reality of how this is all one giant tapestry.

And each of us,

Each of these little nodes or Indra's net,

Right?

At every node on the net,

There's a jewel.

And all the jewels are refracting light towards all the other jewels,

Lighting it all up.

Each of us is a jewel,

But the light coming from this jewel is the refraction of all the other light,

All the other jewels.

And that is the connection that everyone is looking for,

The connection and the belonging,

Right?

When we even say peace,

Right?

Peace is the absence of that feeling separate,

A feeling as though I'm not worthy,

A feeling as though I don't belong,

Right?

The ego is what makes us feel separate,

Convincing ourselves there's an independent me over here that is somehow separate from everything else.

And therefore,

I cannot belong and I can be uniquely unlovable and unworthy,

Or the reality of seeing that actually I am the arising of everything here,

All these conditions,

All the previous conditions of Meredith,

And how she's arising in this moment,

That I cannot not be a part of this because I am only arising as part of this,

Right?

It's not the universe is separate from me.

It's that I am a part of the universe arising,

Having this unique viewpoint of Meredith based on all the experiences that Meredith's had,

And no one else has had all,

You know,

The uniqueness of them at the time.

Each of us has this different viewpoint,

This different experience.

And not grasping at it,

Not thinking I'm making this happen,

But just enjoying the ride that this is happening.

Not that thoughts aren't arising,

I don't know what thoughts are going to arise next.

None of us do,

Right?

A thought arises for an idea to do something.

Oh,

Yeah,

Let's see how that goes.

Do we have the conditions for that?

Let's see where that goes.

Not I did this,

I had this idea,

But the thought arose because of something that happened and something that happened and something that happened.

And all of that came together and then somehow some kind of idea pops up.

And then because the conditions are that maybe that it is going to be followed through,

Sometimes it doesn't get followed through.

It's just like,

Oh,

This is interesting.

This is interesting.

Let's see how this is arising.

And then,

Of course,

To always trace back and think about,

Wow,

How did I get here?

Because this person and that person and that person and this person and that teacher and this retreat and all of these things and you just think,

This is incredible.

This is incredible,

This ride.

We appreciate the ride.

We don't take it for granted because we understand the rides are ending all the time.

All the time.

And the rides are changing moment by moment.

There's millions,

Billions,

Trillions of causes and conditions affecting change moment by moment by moment.

There's just,

It's less taking things for granted and just so much greater appreciation,

So much more appreciation for the life that you are having as Filippa,

As Mari,

As Monica,

As Emma,

As Libby,

As Diana,

As Thomas.

But to see this as well,

To see this,

We have to be willing to pay attention in the right way.

And by that,

What I'm saying is that we do our practices,

We do our meditation,

We do our mindfulness practice.

But in being mindful and in meditating,

Always kind of bringing this little sense of,

How did I end up here right now?

How did I get here?

Or as you're walking through the house,

You know,

Being mindful,

But then something catches your eye and you kind of tend to something and you're thinking,

Well,

Because this little plant,

A moment ago I was headed to the kitchen because there was some biology changing in here,

Hunger arising.

And then as there was a walking towards the kitchen,

There was a noticing the plant had a little brown leaf.

And then because of that,

There was a remembering,

Oh,

I haven't watered that plant,

So actually let me water the plant now.

Just those little things that it just seems like we're doing it all,

Like being mindful of it,

But being mindful in this way of going,

Because of the plant,

You know,

What the plant's doing.

Or just before,

You know,

Just actually,

I talk about the scorpions a lot,

Because this is scorpion season down here,

Down here in Mexico.

And just before a couple hours ago,

Before I was taking a shower,

There was a scorpion,

Just a little itty bitty baby scorpion.

And I think they crawl up through the drain somehow.

And anyway,

So of course,

You know,

It's like,

Oh,

A little scorpion.

Okay,

Let me go grab the little,

Grab a little container,

Put it over a little paper underneath,

Put them outside.

I go to go outside when the dogs wants to go outside,

Then she starts barking,

The other dogs want to go outside,

Right?

It's like,

All this is happening.

I thought I was just going to get in the shower,

Right?

And then all of a sudden,

It's like all these different things are happening and being mindful of it all.

But it's like the little scorpion,

Little baby scorpion,

Set off all these little,

You know,

Events happening.

And so that's what I mean when I say paying attention in the right way,

Right?

Paying attention in the right way.

You know,

Of how we are arising,

Not suggesting that we're not existing,

That Meredith doesn't exist,

That Philippa doesn't exist,

That Jessica doesn't exist.

All of us exist.

We all exist,

But we don't exist the way we think we exist.

We have mistaken who we are.

This is the problem.

This is the problem,

Which brings us to spirituality,

That we have mistaken who we are as this small,

Finite,

Little independent me,

The ego,

That's always lacking in some way.

Everyone else is getting ahead.

I'm a victim.

You know,

Even when we're kind of being more grandiose,

Like even when the ego is kind of talking ourselves up,

We know what's about to happen in the fall.

And of course,

We know that talking ourselves up is to try and cover up the other part of the ego that feels unworthy,

Because you wouldn't need to talk yourself up if you knew who you really were.

There's nothing to talk up.

So this is the problem of who we have identified with this whole time.

And then we just extrapolate that over to imagine there's still something in,

You know,

So we think there's something independent,

Solid over here,

The ego,

Me,

The ego.

So if someone doesn't like Meredith,

The reason it can still bother me 10 years later is because I think of a little image of Meredith that's being wounded,

Even though Meredith is sitting right here perfectly fine.

But I can imagine,

No,

She's being wounded.

And it can feel so painful and hurtful.

And then,

Of course,

We bring on the evolutionary,

You know,

The brain,

Seeing that as dangerous,

Because we used to live in tribes.

And if someone didn't like you,

You wouldn't have wanted to get kicked out of the tribe.

So you know,

That imagining it kicking in the brain,

Going,

This is a threat.

And I only know one way to deal with the threat,

The stress response.

So the more I think about it,

The more adrenaline and cortisol and norepinephrine and the worse I feel.

And it feels like there's this real independent,

Solid little unworthy me.

It feels so real.

We all know,

We all know this little me.

It feels so solid and real,

Because of the contraction,

The tightening inside,

Because of the stress,

Really giving more weight to it,

The way we're feeling.

But then we imagine,

We still imagine,

Oh,

I don't want to be that.

It's a nightmare living with that ego.

And yet we still imagine there's something independent and solid about us.

We're still looking through the lens of the ego,

Because it's the only way the ego can see things,

Subject object,

Always in relationship to something else,

Duality.

Even if it's me as a spiritual person,

Me as a divine person,

Right?

Still ego,

It's still ego,

There's subject object,

Right?

So it's paying attention to seeing how you are arising each moment and just noticing these little ways in which we notice,

How did this happen?

Why am I here right now?

What's going on?

And just all the,

And to the littlest degree,

The weather,

Oh,

Well,

It was raining a few minutes ago.

And so,

Or I could see the clouds,

Somehow I happened to notice the clouds at this moment,

I thought it was raining.

So then I would,

I was coming out to bring the cushions in,

Oh,

The weather affecting what's happening here,

Right?

The weather,

The weather constantly affecting what's happening here.

So everything having,

Everything having an effect,

Everything having an effect,

And seeing how you're arising.

Oh,

I thought I was doing all this.

And if that's the letting go,

Again,

We're coming right back to you,

Thomas,

You know,

That's the letting go of like,

Oh,

Oh,

I don't have to keep holding on to all this,

Thinking that I'm driving this car,

Because there is nothing driving this car.

There's nothing driving it.

And the more that I let go of that,

I'm also letting go of the ego.

And the drive seems to be a lot better from that point.

Still hit bumps along the road,

Still hit potholes,

Other cars will drive by too quickly.

But there's not,

There's not a,

There's no anger or resentment about it,

Because it's just,

Oh,

Those are the causes and conditions arising.

Millions and billions of trillions of causes and conditions arising,

Nothing to take personally,

Right?

I don't take,

I don't take the score in,

You know,

In the shower personally,

Right?

I don't,

You know,

It's like,

But we take the person that's being cruel,

You know,

Unkind to us,

Personally.

It's like,

It's no more personal than the scorpion showing up or the scorpion that bites me.

No more personal,

No more personal.

So paying attention in the right way,

Really looking to see like,

How did I get here?

Just throughout the day,

You're mindful,

But also,

Okay,

How did this happen?

Right?

And the more that you start doing that,

The more you start really getting a window into seeing what's going on.

And the more you're letting go is happening through wisdom.

And of course,

It's just the more that we can also,

You know,

Be bringing our practice into it,

The more those conditions help us to see things more clearly.

Reviews

another great talk! thanks 🙏 referring back to the chocolate cake comment…my late husband always playfully called junk food, - tongue food- . because it’s on your tongue for a few minutes and then the rest of your body is not very happy digesting it . 😂

question: do you have a talk where you dive in deeper on learning or understanding who we truly at our core so i’m not so easily tossed and turned (upset) by people’s comments. tonight my sil said to me and in front of my son that my son’s life would get busy and he wouldn’t have time for me anymore. i instantly knew she was coming from her own relationship with her son but my heart has ached for hours tonight that people can be so unfeeling. thoughts?