How would I suggest to cope with family members' long-term toxic behavior?
It's a good question,
Ellie,
Because a lot of people are dealing with that.
I think the first,
It's always important to recognize when someone's behavior is toxic towards us,
And I am just going to add also how wise and compassionate it was for you to say their behavior,
Not them.
I mean,
I'm serious.
There's so much wisdom and compassion in saying the behavior is toxic,
Not that they're toxic,
Because the toxic behavior is again a result of causes and conditions,
Their causes and conditions.
If you had had the same causes and conditions,
Your behavior would be toxic as well.
We are the result of our causes and conditions,
So it is so important for us to recognize,
Yes,
It's their behavior,
It's their causes and conditions.
It's not personal.
It feels so personal.
It's not personal.
You are the result,
Ellie,
Of all of your causes and conditions.
They are the result of all of their causes and conditions,
And that does not mean that we don't set a boundary with that person,
Even a family member.
People say,
Oh,
It's family.
I can't.
Yes,
You can.
Yes,
You can.
You can set a boundary because it's not healthy for you to be around someone that is causing you harm,
That is maybe just in some way their conversation,
Their dialogue is quite aggressive and toxic and creates and maybe kind of brings out some resistance in you because it's also really important for us to know where we are in our practice,
To know how much time we can spend around someone,
How much time we can be around someone that is exhibiting toxic behavior before it brings out our ego,
Right?
So I think that's really wise and compassionate to ourselves to say,
Hey,
It's not healthy for me.
I need to set a boundary with this person,
Right?
And however that might look to whether you need to have a conversation with them,
Whether you can write them a letter or send them an email,
It's really difficult.
I mean,
Setting boundaries is not easy.
It's not an easy thing to do,
But we have to be so careful because we know the alternative.
If we're not setting a boundary with someone who is exhibiting toxic behavior with us,
We are still having that conversation in our head and pushing back on them and then our thoughts turn to judging and resentment and anger and ill will and all of the things that we do not want to be cultivating within ourselves,
All of the ways in which we're closing down our heart,
We close down our hearts,
There's no wisdom,
There's no compassion.
So it's so important for our health,
Our peace of mind to set a boundary,
To understand it's not,
There's no wisdom in saying,
Well,
I should just suck it up and let this person treat me poorly because it would be too painful to have this conversation with him.
There is way more pain in not having the conversation,
Way more pain that you are causing to yourself,
Changing who you are in that moment.
Because if you focus on thoughts of judging someone,
Again,
Anger,
Ill will,
Resentment,
Thinking about all of their unpleasant qualities,
Whatever your mind focuses on is who you are becoming in that moment.
Judgmental,
Angry,
Bitter,
Not who you want to become.
So,
So I do want to make that clear.
It's,
It's understanding they are who they are through their causes and conditions so that we don't have the anger and ill will towards them.
They are the result of their causes and conditions,
Just as I am the result of my causes and conditions.
No anger or ill will towards someone,
But the wisdom and the compassion to know it's not healthy to be around this person.
I need to set a boundary.
And often writing a letter,
I think can be a good way to do it,
To say,
I need a little bit of space.
This behavior is,
Is creating a wedge between us and it's not safe for me.
It's not healthy for me to stay in this relationship.
It's tough to do that.
It's tough to do it,
But you won't regret it.
And then that person is also learning,
Oh,
My behavior has consequences because yes,
It does.
You are the result of your causes and conditions.
You also are the heir to the consequences of every action that comes out of those causes and conditions.
And that action,
That consequence could in fact,
Nudge them to recognize I need to change.
Could,
Might not,
Don't bank on that and don't do it for that reason.
They're walking their own path.
If it's a situation where you can just,
You can kind of slowly let it just stop,
You know,
Engaging much with them,
Responding very often to text,
Hey,
I'm busy.
Hope you're well.
You know,
If you can just kind of keep them a little bit,
Okay.
You know,
You,
You'll have to judge what's the best way to handle that.
But absolutely our practice does not mean we become doormats and that we allow people,
We allow their behavior,
Their toxic behavior to continue towards us.
There's no wisdom in that.
There's no compassion in that.
So I hope that helps.
