My Story

In this deeply personal reflection, Melissa shares her journey of reclaiming her authentic self. Together we'll explore belonging, self-expression, and the courage to live in alignment with who we truly are. This talk is an invitation to reflect on what layers may be ready to fall away so more of your essence can come home and be expressed in the world.

Content Note: This talk includes discussion of trauma, grief, and adoption as well as a few occasional curse words.

Transcript

A few years ago, During my meditation teacher training, I was asked to write about a topic that has impacted me for our final paper in the program. What emerged was a story of adoption, Awakening, Trauma, Grief, Motherhood, Healing, And the lifelong journey of reclaiming my authentic self. I know that my medicine as a teacher is sharing my unfiltered experiences as I my own path, Often bloody and bruised. Standing beside others as they walk through fire. Us laughing about universal fuckery, Exchanging hugs, Words of wisdom, And healing balm for our wounds as we trudge forth. As I read the words I wrote again, I am in awe. So much of my life has changed in the last few years. What a beautiful ass-kicking it has been. Community, Here it is. Sitting with the topic for my paper has been very interesting. A lot of energy came up for me, And I told myself I needed to let it all marinate for at least a few weeks. I made it about a week before these words poured out in the middle of the night due to a four-hour serenade by a very loud cricket that I named Surround Sound. I have yet to find him or the mini-microphone and speakers I'm certain he used. To sleep, I was inspired by the divinely placed musical intruder. I looked up the symbolism of crickets, As I always do when creatures appear on my path. Intuition, Abundance, Sensitivity, Communication, And self-expression. The timing felt right, So I let the words flow and typed out my first draft. I looked for my muse throughout the day as I edited the paper a bit. He appeared the following night on my pillow, Ready to be escorted outside moments after I finished the final draft. I struggled with deciding on a topic because all that I feel called to write about is so interwoven with who I am and what I share with others as a teacher. My core values are freedom, Love, Trust, Equality, Authenticity, Surrender, Joy, Integrity, Courage, And humor. Embodiment, Embodying and expressing my true self encompasses all of these values and is an intention I return to daily on my awakening journey. I want to start out with the powerful words of Brene Brown. She says, True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are. It requires you to be who you are. Remembering who I am and living as my authentic self is a homecoming that has taken many years of deep inner work and continues to unfold. So how did I find my way back to myself? I was midwifed into being on a Monday by La Luna, Which explains a few things. I was with my birth mother for 7 days before I was adopted by my parents. I had a mostly happy childhood. I loved playing with animals. I basically had a zoo. Climbing trees, Playing sports, Dancing, Singing, Being in nature, And learning about anything and everything. Knew many things that I was told I wasn't supposed to see, Feel, Or know. Life is magical, And I knew and experienced this deeply as a child, But most of our world does not validate this truth. Over the years, I slowly dimmed my light and joy. I was less and less of who I truly am. I put myself in the mini boxes women are often asked to step into, And I stayed there for a very long time. As a teenager, I started to process my adoption. I was always told that I was special, That I was chosen. A truth you learn to sit with as an adoptee is that you were also given away. You learn to hold all of it. The gratitude for the life you were given with your adoptive family, And also the pain and grief over the unlived life with your birth family. In my early 20s, I had an intense kundalini awakening. I was very sick, Lost, And unsure of what was happening. I consciously began my spiritual journey to better understand my experiences and regain my health. I have always been very connected to spirit and a very sensitive soul. I tried to numb these sensitivities in different ways for many years. Practices such as yoga, Meditation, Energy healing, And shadow work changed my life. I immersed myself in mystical classes and trainings. After spending most of my life feeling wrong or broken, I finally began to realize that my sensitivities are my greatest gifts. Around this time, I met my biological sister for the first time. Our meeting was like the most magical, Awkward first date you've ever been on. We giggled, Cried, And could barely speak. Shortly after meeting my sister, My son was born. Motherhood has been my greatest and toughest teacher. To sum it up, Holy shit. And add a very deep sigh. It has been beautiful, Painful, And everything in between. Three years later, My daughter came into this world. Holding my newborn daughter in my arms made me think of my birth mother and how painful the experience of adoption must have been for her. My sister and I were inspired to begin the process of connecting with our biological families. We met people who looked like us and had personalities similar to us, Something neither of us had found in our adoptive families. With each step, I discovered a new puzzle piece of who I am. My biological mother was not ready to connect in person when we reached out initially, But eventually found me online. I will always remember the moment I realized my biological mother was requesting to be my Facebook friend. Another noteworthy moment was when my biological brother found me on Ancestry. Com and I discovered that I had 13 brothers and sisters from my biological father's side of the family. Someone joked that I had hit the biological family jackpot. I had indeed. Two months after connecting virtually, My biological mother passed away unexpectedly. My sister and I immediately hopped on the plane to Tennessee to help our aunts with everything and to discover more about who our mother was. The experience ripped me open in the way only grief can. I could no longer tolerate many aspects of my life that were not in alignment. I continued to peel the many layers that kept me from showing up authentically in all areas of my life. I was in a women's group that focused on energy awareness, Female empowerment, And conscious parenting. A few months after my biological mother left her body, The other women in the group and I were given a monthly assignment. We were to write about who we truly are at the deepest level. It could be a goddess, An archetype, An energy, Anything to help us connect to our divinity within. Until that moment, I had only been dipping my toes into the waters of my true self. I had a knowing of who I was, But the awareness hadn't been fully experienced and integrated in my body. The awareness surged through me, And I let myself write. I am Aletheia, The Goddess of Truth. I help all live our lives unhidden, To remember and live as our true selves. I remove all labels and expectations that keep us small. I release all judgments, Comparisons, Any need to please others at the expense of ourselves. I cut through illusion. I restore balance. I am the divine feminine and the divine masculine balanced in harmony. I am joy, Freedom, Unconditional love, Compassion, Authenticity, Truth, And power. This is the truth of who I am. Energy surged through me immediately and I sobbed for hours. Another powerful awakening had begun, But this time I had the awareness to understand what was happening, And tools to help my body move through each layer. I wrote, I embody and express my true self, And posted these words in my home and at work, Along with an image that showed a goddess holding a sword, Cutting through illusion, Scales with her eyes covered, Symbolizing inner sight and knowing. I added newly discovered aspects of who I am and energies I wanted to embody to this paper, Often as mini-transformations unfolded in my life. It was a beautiful, Powerful reminder of who I am and why I am here. I read it regularly for many years. Shortly after this experience, I left an unhealthy marriage and made other big changes in my life. I invested in trainings, Opportunities, And travel that set my soul on fire. I let my heart lead the way. I had the hard conversations that needed to be had. I finally gave myself permission to live the life I am meant to live, Rather than the life I realized I was living for others. I let myself be fully me more and more each day. A sexual trauma I experienced when I was nine years old, Something I had never shared with anyone, Finally rose to the surface to be healed. Stored deeply within my being, The experience had been bleeding on so many aspects of my life. The unprocessed trauma impacted my relationship with my body, Safety, Trust, Joy, Play, Creativity, Authenticity, Boundaries, And my ability to fully own my voice and power. It profoundly affected the relationships I had with men and how I interacted with my son. This wound had remained hidden in darkness for over 20 years, Waiting for the moment my system had enough support, Awareness, And capacity to bring it into the light. I honored the tenderness, Courage, And many layers of unpeeling that my healing required. Invalidation. Perfectionism. Unconsciously healing the crap out of everyone and everything. People pleasing. Plain small. Disempowerment. Inequality. It has been a journey. There has been so much pain to look at and sit with, But the experiences have been expansive rather than the constriction of living within the expectations of others. With each layer, More of my essence comes home to my body and can be expressed in this world. With each step, There is more clarity and liberation. I continue to fiercely surrender to my path, To let all of the parts of me and my life that are no longer true and aligned fall away. I continue to be reborn over and over again. I am here to embody and express my true self. I am here to help empower and awaken others. By being fully who I am, I help give others permission to do the same. I am here to create the new heart-centered, Soul-aligned world that I believe we are meant to create together. The poet and mystic Hafiz perfectly articulates the reverence I feel for the gorgeous, Messy journey of being human. Now is the time to know that all you do is sacred. Now is the time for you to deeply compute the impossibility that there is anything but grace. I'm grateful for every single sacred moment, Even a crooked concert in the middle of the night. Coming back to yourself now, Checking in. Where in your life are you being invited to embody more of your authentic self? What layers are asking to fall away so more of your essence can come home to your body and be expressed in this world? Thank you, My friend, For letting me share my story, And I hope you will share yours.

Reviews

I don’t often leave comments after listening to teachers tracks. But this time was different. You see; I was abused at five years old and it continued on till I was eleven or twelve. The abuse I endured was sexual, emotional, and physical. It was from my biological father. He didn’t drink or anything like that he was just an angry person. It started out as this is the way a father loves his son. And then he proceeded to touch me in a sexual manner. After awhile it became more of this is what I want you do to me. Along with the sexual abuse he would tell me that I wasn’t worth but what he needed me for; and that I was a piece of shit that wouldn’t amount to anything. No one wants me, except for him needing to be served. A few years later I told my mother what he was doing. She said oh you’re making this up; and turn blind eye to it. I even told her the black eye I had and other bruises I had weren’t from fighting at school like he said but infact were from him when I didn’t do what he said. I told a police officer who went to our church and the minister of that church and they both told me that he was an outstanding citizen in our community and I was just trying to gain attention. They also dismissed what I was telling them. At the age of eleven I told him this not right and I’m done with this. I ran. I lived with friends until I graduated high school. Then I left that town never looking back. Except in my mind, continuing to remember all the hateful actions and words towards me. I couldn’t believe that no one would listen, and hear my heart. The abuse happened during the eighties so talking about it, especially in public was taboo. So I buried it deep, for quite sometime. I didn’t tell anyone about it until after I was married the first time. And she said that I would never heal completely. And that she was going to be there for me. But then nearing our fifth year anniversary I found out that she had been cheating on me with my best man from our wedding who was supposedly my best friend. Sure he was single, but why did they have to ruin our friendship and my marriage. I have been through so much stuff and I’m now pushing the fifty mark. I am purposefully continuing to be my authentic self, and purposing to do the work of being positive, honest, and respectful towards myself and those around me. Your story has touched my heart in a very sincere and meaningful way. I have dealt with many negative thoughts and emotions that go along with this. But listening to your story and understanding what you have gone through to where you are now emotionally and physically is remarkable. And similarly I’m in a decent space now as well. Having worked through the processes entangled me to the core; I have found peace, joy, and a bit of happiness. I now tend to live a quiet life, with much less stress, anxiety, and drama. I want you to know that I will always remember your story and your words. You are such a blessing to this community, to your friends and family! Many blessings to you on your journey through life! Namaste.

Thank you for sharing your story. You have risen as a Phoenix in your journey. I am determined to cleanse my mind..body and soul of the trama experienced in several areas of my life. This must be brought to light if I'm to be free to be true to my self. I want nothing more than to release those past trama's that still reside within me. And with deep shadow work I intend to dissolve and release them.
Thank you again for sharing your story...it gives me hope.