Dear Narcissist,
Your loved ones are not extensions of you and your wounded ego.
Your children deserve so much better than to be used as puppets,
Delivered to me as weapons containing your unprocessed trauma,
Rage,
Lack of ownership,
And blame.
They are not weapons and they are not you,
Me,
Anyone.
They are unique beings meant to blaze their unique paths.
They are brave souls,
Sacred warriors,
My biggest teachers.
I believe their souls chose a toxic masculine to guide their paths,
To choose differently,
See differently,
Be different.
To own the unhealthy masculine and feminine in themselves.
To embody divine healthy masculinity and femininity and help bring these energies into balance first within and then externally.
The constant games,
Manipulation,
And lies.
You must win.
Everyone must pick a side.
Pick wrong and you will be punished.
Boundaries are bulldozed.
Communication is violent.
All that is to be celebrated in this world is you,
Dear Narcissist.
All that is wrong and bad is me.
My children are learning.
The survivors of this type of profoundly damaging yet often invisible abuse are learning.
I am learning.
I'm learning to ride the waves with each truth I speak,
Each boundary I set.
I'm learning not to hold all the pain,
Blame,
And hate.
I'm learning what I should share with my children and what I should sit with in silence,
Letting who I am shine brighter and louder than the lies and fear.
I'm learning how to help my body feel safe.
I'm owning the many ways I showed up as very unhealthy and wounded.
I chose that abusive relationship to grow and reclaim my power.
Nothing is ever only one-sided.
What is this teaching me?
What is within me?
What is mine to own?
I'm learning what a safe,
Healthy partnership feels like and unpeeling the past while honoring the many emotions that surface.
Part of healing abuse is speaking up.
Not to fix,
Not to punish,
Not to blame.
Speaking up to let the truth of my experiences be expressed.
I will not hide.
I will not stay quiet.
When painful memories arise and my body is reacting to what happened in the past,
I can come back to a place of safety within that is grounded in the present moment.
It takes time.
Step by step.
I'm doing it and I know I'm not alone.
Healing is messy,
Cyclical,
And not always able to be understood.
I am my own safe haven.
I am a healthy,
Empowered,
Authentic,
Far from perfect woman.
I know how I deserve to be treated by anyone I allow in my life.
I know what is true for me.
And damn,
Does that feel good.
