Reclaim Your Reins: The Year Of The Horse (Part 8)

In Part 8 of the Year of the Horse, we build on our work from Part 7 on setting boundaries by exploring what happens when you stop carrying what isn’t yours and begin trusting yourself to choose what comes next. Together, we’ll look at where guilt, fear, people-pleasing, and old survival patterns may still be holding the reins, and how to reconnect with your own needs, values, and inner voice. Through evidence-informed practices, guided reflection, and journaling, you’ll begin reclaiming your energy and moving forward with greater self-trust, clarity, and intention. Have a journal/notebook and a pen. ***Sessions 1-7 recordings are in my teacher profile but are not mandatory or required prerequisites.

Transcript

Today we are talking about what it means to reclaim our reins. I thought that was a clever title given that we're talking about the symbolism of the year of the horse. And so my intention with this session is to build off session seven, Where we talked about what it means to set boundaries and how hard that can actually be. Tonight is not about becoming more confident overnight, Because as I'm actively learning, Practicing, Setting boundaries and exploring what can come up when we do like guilt or fear or maybe some internal conflict or even external conflict. So tonight's not about mastering this overnight, It's about. . . Getting a little more clear about knowing what you want, Where you're going, And how to get there. It's recognizing when we set boundaries for ourselves when fear comes up and is driving your decisions. It's learning to notice when guilt of setting a boundary might be pulling you back into old patterns. And tonight, Hopefully, You can walk away with a few exercises where you can begin to trust that you can make choices that honor your needs without having to justify or earn or take responsibility for everyone else's happiness. Reclaiming your reigns today is not about controlling everything around you, So don't confuse that title, But it's about remembering that you have a say in the direction of your own life. So today's session about reclaiming your reigns is really for folks who have learned to Please everybody else, Maybe the proverbial people pleaser is here or. The person that's afraid of conflict and so is so afraid of disappointing somebody else that. . . Instead, It's easier to disappoint ourselves or abandon what we need to keep the peace. Today is for those kinds of folks, And I identify as one of those. So again, Just thank you for choosing to spend this hour with me. How you're showing up is exactly perfect. You don't need to be feeling any which way other than how you're arriving. And you don't have to have everything figured out either. So there's no perfect way to do this. There's just a simple willingness for us to all begin. Just to give context, Last session in session seven, I talked about how setting boundaries almost feels life-threatening in some ways, Where that feeling of fright and fear comes up quite strongly for me. And this was because somewhere along the way in my life, I learned that keeping other people happy and managing people's emotions was connected to what it meant for me to feel safe. So I've become very good at anticipating other people's needs, Managing the emotions of a room in the workplace, For example. Stepping in or rescuing when something wasn't working and ultimately taking responsibility when others wouldn't. Over the course of my life, I've convinced myself that this was all simply part of being a good, Caring, Dependable, Valuable person, Both in friendship and professional context. But over time, And more recently, I've had to really confront that this was not sustainable anymore and that this was draining an energy and life force from me and making it difficult for me to thrive. And so I've had to confront this reality that there's a difference between caring and being responsible for everyone. And this idea of being helpful. But also being able to tolerate someone else's discomfort if I say no to something or actively set a boundary. So that was what last session was all about, Exploring this idea of why do we overextend or maybe have porous boundaries or take responsibility for. Maybe some things that aren't fully ours to take responsibility for. And I've been thinking a lot for this session about, Well, What's the next step? You know, This idea of reclaiming your reigns. Because setting boundaries are one thing. We all have our own experience with it going well, Maybe not going well. But for many folks, Living with what happens after setting a boundary, That's a whole other experience. So what happens when you finally say no, When people are used to you saying yes? What happens when you stop stepping in to rescue. Someone or a project. What happens when you let someone experience the consequences of their own choices and you aren't the one that saves? For some of us, What follows isn't relief. And that was my experience over the last little while since we've last connected. What I've learned. After finally setting some clear boundaries is that relief wasn't the natural response, Even though I really hoped for that. But I noticed more guilt come up. I noticed more anxiety and incessant thought loops coming up. This overwhelming urge to over-explain or be overly apologetic for having to set a boundary, And wanting to make everything okay. So Lisa, You can totally relate. To that way of always taking care of everyone around me. Yeah, And I think there's something beautiful in being a caretaker. While also remembering that you are part of that circle of people that you're caring for. And I'm not perfect at it by any means, But I have forgotten along the way that I am someone that needs to be part of who I take care of as well. And sometimes it feels like you lose your identity if you stop taking care of people. Oof, Michelle, Very powerful. It's this idea of giving up an identity that maybe we're quite attached to. Yes. So thank you everyone for sharing that. And I think this is one of the most difficult parts about this concept of boundary settings. We often talk about how important they are. We don't always talk about what it's like afterwards when we try to start setting them. We intellectually in our minds can understand that we have a right to set boundaries and we can, You know, Logically know that our needs matter. I've been learning, You know, I can recognize that I can't keep abandoning my needs. But knowing something. And feeling able to live it out are two very different things. Okay, So today's session, We're trying to close that gap a little bit between we know logically that it's healthy and important to set proper boundaries. But to live it out can be an entirely different thing. So we're trying to close that gap today a little bit. So that's where I want us to go. Thinking about when I stop allowing guilt. Fear. Others' expectations to make my decisions, How do I begin trusting myself to choose now? Okay, Let me say that one more time. And I just want to ground myself in it too. When I stop allowing guilt, Fear, And other people's expectations to make my decisions, How do I begin trusting myself to choose? And having choice sometimes doesn't feel easy. You know, We can logically know it might be nice to remember that we have choice, But having choice for some folks can feel quite triggering initially. Maybe you grew up in an environment where expressing your needs or expressing your preferences led to conflict or criticism or people disagreeing with you. Or perhaps you were in an environment where love, Approval, Or acceptance. Felt conditional. You know, Everyone has different circumstances on what it means to have choice and what it means to ask for what you need. For myself, So many years were prioritized around making sure everyone else was comfortable and everything else was working smoothly that I actually lost touch with what I actually want. So there's been a period of time over the last couple of years, Very confusing time, Where it's been surprisingly difficult to ask, What do I need for myself? And to not necessarily have the answer. I've become really good at knowing what everyone else needs from me. But when it comes to identifying. What do I need from myself? There was a lot of blank space there. A lot of, I'm not actually sure, I don't know. So to sit with that. Uncertainty, To sit with that unknowing. Is challenging and can be uncomfortable. So throughout the Year of the Horse series, We've been using the horse as the symbol of movement, Of freedom, Strength, Direction, Momentum. And today there's something really meaningful about when I was thinking about the rains. What do folks think about when you think about holding the reins if you're riding a horse? What comes to mind? What does this idea of reclaiming your reigns mean for you? Let's see in the chat. So Jane says reins are about control. Let's see, Lots of control. Tracy says false control. Very interesting. Elizabeth says direction, Safety, Choice of direction. Beautiful. Direction and guidance. Irene says not rushing. So when you think about actually being on a horse and using the reins, Exactly, In some way we're navigating, Helping the horse navigate the direction forwards. Helping navigate what direction we're moving, Left or right, Forwards or backwards, Having that semblance of control where someone else isn't holding the reins for you. And I think in life. At least I'm learning. Let me know if this resonates. We can become really accustomed to letting other Things outside of our control determine our direction. And I want you to think about the different contexts that make up your life. You can think of the context of within your family unit, Whatever that looks like for you. You can think of the context of your social or friendship unit. The context of your work life or what you do to make a living. Relationships, Romantic relationships, Lots of different contexts that we're in. What I've realized is that. We aren't necessarily the same or consistent in each of those contexts in terms of how we set boundaries, How we move forwards. You might feel in one context of your life you're actually quite good at it, But in another. . . All the things you know to work just don't seem to work. And so I think there's this. Real experience that we've become accustomed to letting things outside of our control often determine our direction. Across our life, We've been exposed to different relationships, Different experiences, Different contexts that it can be really easy to let things outside of our control take the reins, So to speak. And then also more subjectively, Things like fear. Fear of letting someone down, Fear of disappointing someone, Fear of that angry, Hostile reaction. That's holding the reins, The guilt that can come up. You know, If someone you love is going through a hard time. You're setting a boundary around your capacity, That guilt can hold the reins. The need to be liked or seen a certain way can hold the reins. The fear of disappointing people can hold the reins. Sometimes the version of ourselves long ago that learned to survive. Is still trying to steer our lives today. So I want us to get really in touch with what it means to gently take some of those rains back. How do we listen to ourselves a little more clearly with greater compassion and curiosity? I want to invite you to reflect on a question. When you think about reclaiming control over the direction of your life. When you think of taking the reins back. What emotion comes up for you first? There's a whole host of emotions that can exist, And there's not one right answer. Right? Some people might feel a sense of longing or relief. Or fear or guilt, Excitement or anxiety, All the things that have been in the chat. Okay, So whatever your answer. I want you to know that it's welcome here. Reclaiming the reins to our life does not always feel empowering at first. It takes a returning to practice to reclaim my reins. To shift subtly. What it means to feel empowered. It's very subtle and it takes a lot of practice. Alright, So let's spend a little bit of time reconnecting with ourselves because when we've spent years paying attention to everybody else's emotions or needs, Our attention often is not always internally focused. So find yourself in a comfortable position. Might be seated in a chair like me, Maybe you're resting on your couch or sofa. Or you can even lie down somewhere where you feel comfortable. Comfortable where you can just unwind a little bit. If it feels right for you, Allow your eyes to gently flutter to a close. But if that doesn't feel right. . . No worries, You can simply soften the gaze downwards, Off the tip of the nose. We're just going to simply begin by noticing the surface supporting you. So feeling into the weight of your body. Maybe just gently saying in your mind, What is the surface supporting you? I feel the chair. I feel the floor. Notice the parts of the body that are making contact to a solid surface. Just remembering that for these next few moments, There's nowhere else you need to be. Nothing you need to solve right now. And as you're comfortable, Just simply begin by noticing your breath. The gentle flow of the breath coming into the body on an in-breath. And noticing the flow of breath out of the body. On the out-breath. Simply aware of breath moving in and out. Where does it land in the body? And aware of the breath moving out. If you find the mind begins to wander, Which Naturally it does. You can also bring gentle contact. To a place that feels neutral or comfortable for you. Maybe that's a hand over the heart today. Maybe it's hands connected to the belly or the thighs. And again, Just noticing breath moving in. And breath moving out. If it feels comfortable to keep the eyes closed, Continue to do so. I'd like you to imagine in your mind's eye. That you're standing in a wide open landscape. Perhaps there are fields stretching into the distance, Fields of flowers, Fields of wheat. Perhaps there are mountains. Whatever landscape comes to mind. That feels comfortable and peaceful to you. Bring that image of that landscape into your mind. As you do so, Imagine that right beside you is a beautiful horse. Strong. Steady. Attuned to you. There's no fear here, Standing beside the horse, And there's no urgency. No pressure. Of simply noticing the horse beside you. Noticing the horse's ability to Be still. In its presence. Without needing to prove anything. Imagining now that you reach up to that force. And hold the reins. Not tightly. Not with force, Just holding the reins of the horse gently in your hands. Maybe it feels a little. Unfamiliar. Maybe you're feeling a little bit unsure. Or maybe you're afraid of making the wrong move or decision. Just notice whatever comes up for you. As you envision being beside this horse holding the reins in your hand. Now imagine that attached to those rings, There are some of the things that have been influencing your direction. And as you're holding the reins, Gently ask yourself. What has been holding my reins lately. Is it the need for approval? Is it attachment to? And identity. Is it fear? Is it an outdated old belief? About who you have to be in order to be loved or accepted. Whatever comes up. Remember, It's not wrong. See if you can meet it with compassion and gentleness. And now see in your mind's eye if you can allow the reins to loosen a little bit. You don't need to see the entire path right now. Just recognize that you are noticing. And recognizing that you do have choice. And in community silently repeating these words. I can care. Without carrying everything. I can care. Without carrying. Everything. Notice how that feels. I'm silently repeating, I am allowed to have a say. In the direction of my life. I'm allowed to have a say. In the direction of my life. Spend as much time envisioning being in this open field alongside a horse. Holding the reins loosely. Without feeling pressure or urgency to have to go in a certain direction. Right now, You might just observe. A 360 view of where you'd like to take your next step. Gently bringing awareness back to your space, Maybe give some subtle movements with the fingertips and the toes just to bring energy. And presence back to your space, Feeling the support beneath you. Noticing the sounds around you. The temperature of the room. And whenever you're ready, Just gently allowing your eyes to open. Take your time. And welcome back. So thank you for. Going through a brief grounding practice, What I'd love for you to hold on to from that practice is this idea that reclaiming your reigns. Means that fear or guilt no longer has to be the only grip on the reins in terms of making your decisions. You do have choice and you do have agency. Alright, So I want to get into the psychology behind why reclaiming our reigns, And I'll replace the word reigns with choice or agency. So reclaiming our sense of agency over our lives, Reclaiming our sense of choice. Why this can feel so difficult. And as I was preparing for this, I thought of four different reasons why, But there's a long list of reasons why. So if you want to add to the conversation about why you think it is so difficult, Please, Please do. This is co-created together. But the first one that comes up to mind to me is. . . It can feel so difficult to reclaim your reigns in your life right now. Because our survival patterns have become automatic. Many of the behaviors I've talked about in my talks and last sessions, You know, Describe the perpetual people pleaser or the person that over functions. And I think sometimes we. . . Wrongfully consider that these are personality traits when Actually, They might be a learned way of maintaining safety. A learned way of surviving. Maybe a very difficult time period. A learned pattern to reduce conflict in our lives or manage uncertainty. So when a behavior like people-pleasing or Not saying no. When we really needed to. That behavior has helped us avoid something potentially painful. And it doesn't necessarily have to be external or tangible, Like someone being angry at us. It could be an internal. Like the discomfort. Of the idea of disappointing somebody. So when a behavior has helped us avoid something painful, It makes sense why we might keep repeating it, Even when it starts costing us. So think about an example in your life when someone has asked you. . . To do something you really don't want to do. Oftentimes work is sort of a clear-cut example, But you can relate this experience to lots of different contexts and situations. Perhaps you're already exhausted or you really don't have the capacity. Maybe you're going through something somebody doesn't even know about and you're like, I just don't have the capacity. Or maybe someone's asking you, To do something that's not even your responsibility. But before you even have a chance to think, You can hear yourself already blurting out loud, Of course, No problem, I'm on it, Or I'll sort it out, I've got you. And almost immediately, This happened to me this week. As I'm learning to set better boundaries and just really think through. What am I being asked to do? It's like an immediate, Absolutely, No problem. Followed by a mixture of a little bit of resentment maybe. Confusion as to why this person's asking you to do something which really should be what they're doing. Maybe some frustration or exhaustion. And sometimes that immediate aftermath. You're not necessarily resentful of the other person or frustrated with someone else. Sometimes it's actually with yourself. Because you're like, Oh, I did it again. I agreed to something that I really don't have capacity to do that doesn't feel aligned or doesn't feel right. So for myself, I've been asking, Like, Why do I keep doing this? And it's taken a lot of supportive conversations, A lot of coaching, A lot of, You know, Internal reflection. To answer that it's not because I'm incapable of saying no or I'm weak. It's because that saying yes for me has become an automatic way of avoiding discomfort. Saying no might mean disappointing someone or missing out on an opportunity. Or not being part of the team that feels a sense of belonging. And so it's easier for me to. . . Abandon myself, Disappoint myself than it is to disappoint someone else. Because it does. I've said last session, It literally feels some days like threat to my mind and my body when I set a boundary. But when you know the context of my life, What I've been exposed to, The experiences I've had. I've learned that disappointing someone else is associated with a very threatening response in my nervous system. And so this might hold true for you, It might not. Right? Because we all all of us here on this. Session have a very different experience and context. But I'm just sharing what I'm learning in the hopes that someone else sees themselves in it as well. So a useful way to understand the psychology of this is through the psychology of avoidance. When we do something that immediately reduces anxiety or discomfort, We're more likely to repeat it. So someone asks you to take on an extra responsibility, You feel uncomfortable saying no, So you automatically say yes. Immediately, The anxiety of potentially disappointing someone else decreases, And you feel an immediate relief. But later, And that's the key, You feel an immediate relief because you're not disappointing someone. But later you become overwhelmed. So that short term relief has come at a much longer term cost. Burnout, Exhaustion, Not being able to bring your best self to all the things on your plate. Maybe you take it out on family members or relationships too, Right? So. . . That automatic response of saying yes. Because it's reducing the anxiety or avoiding the acute, Very short-term anxiety of disappointing someone or maybe not wanting that reaction to happen. That short-term yes comes at a long-term cost. And this is known in behavioral psychology as negative reinforcement. So let me clarify that. Negative reinforcement doesn't mean something negative is being done to you. What negative reinforcement means is that you're removing an unpleasant feeling. That's reinforcing the behavior that remove. Okay, So negative reinforcement means removing an unpleasant feeling. So in this case, The fear of disappointing someone else. Which is reinforcing the behavior, Which is me saying yes automatically, That removes that unpleasant feeling. And this explains why people-pleasing becomes so persistent. We're not always saying yes because we genuinely want to. Sometimes we're saying yes because we want the discomfort of saying no to disappear. But I think it's important to note that. Every time we automatically avoid that discomfort, We miss an opportunity to discover if we can actually tolerate it. We miss an opportunity. To discover if someone is disappointed that we can still remain okay. And grounded, That our relationship with someone can survive disagreement. That's a missed opportunity. And this idea that someone else's frustration doesn't automatically link back to an identity that we've done something wrong or we're at the center of the wrongdoing. Of course, Of course, Not every relationship is safe and sometimes. . . There are genuine consequences that people experience to asserting their boundaries. So. . . Take this in context of what feels right for you. I'm not talking about forcing ourselves into confrontation or situations that aren't safe, But it's about gradually learning to distinguish between an actual danger or threat. Versus the internal discomfort of doing something that's just unfamiliar. Saying no is unfamiliar. Okay, So learning to distinguish between the two. Okay, Hopefully that makes sense for folks. This idea of negative reinforcement where we remove the unpleasant feeling. And it reinforces the behavior that removed it. Okay, So there's some psychology around that. The second. Point I wanted to talk about about why. Reclaiming the reins of our life is so hard sometimes, Is understanding guilt. Okay, I suspect. Guilt is one of the biggest driving forces many of us struggle with when it comes to reclaiming our own agency, Reclaiming the own direction we want in our lives. And I do want to just pause for a minute because guilt isn't inherently a bad emotion. Let's not put guilt in the bad box. Healthy guilt. Is important because it can help us recognize when maybe we've acted against our values or maybe when we're not aligned with our core values, Maybe when we've hurt somebody. Maybe when we actually do need to apologize. Or repair something or a conversation, Guilt can really be helpful. It supports empathy building. Guilt supports. Holding yourself accountable. The experience of guilt helps with building healthy relationships. So we're not putting guilt in a bad box. It has a very important role. And not every feeling of guilt, Though, Is evidence that we've done something wrong. Sometimes and I'm trying to distinguish this myself, But sometimes we feel guilty. Because we've broken an outdated rule we've set for ourselves, A rule that we might not even realize that we are living by. I'll put out a few examples, And I'd love for folks in the chat to put some examples as well. Rules like, Well, Good people always put other people first. Or If someone is upset with me, It must be because I've done something wrong. Or if I disappoint someone. They're going to abandon me. Okay, What other rules? Do you might think or suspect you're living by? That might be outdated and driving this feeling of guilt. What are the rules that you might be living by? And sometimes this is rooted in the way that we identify intersectionally. Women. And men might experience different rules that they feel they have to live by, Both equally driving a feeling of guilt. Folks who maybe have survived something where other people haven't. You know, We talk a lot about survivor's guilt. Maybe there's rules that someone's living by. Well, I don't deserve to have a say in my life because I got lucky. There's. . . There could be even like. Religious context or generational context around rules that we might be living by that fuel this feeling of guilt around reclaiming the reins to our life. And when we begin to start to challenge those rules, Even if this is subconscious, We're not actively choosing it, Guilt can really rise to the surface. And it's not because We've necessarily violated our values, But. We're stretching out. Perhaps a rule that we've carried that's held us quite restricted for a long time. And really try to get curious about it, Rather than judgmental. I know for myself, When I'm by myself going through all of this reflection, It's not necessarily curiosity that's driving beside me. It's self-criticism. It's inner judgment. It's fueling the cycle of guilt. So again, Through the wisdom of beautiful mentors and people in my life, I've been learning to ask myself, What is the guilt trying to tell me? Rather than judge whether it's right or wrong, Or immediately think, Well, How do I get rid of this guilt? And one of the things I'm discovering as I'm learning to carve my identity and show up in different spaces more consistently. What guilt is telling me right now is that I'm doing something that's largely unfamiliar. That's not my default mode. And so the guilt is trying to tell me. Hey, Something unfamiliar is happening. How does that feel for you? Like I said, We were going raw and vulnerable today. So I'm just sharing. What's been true for me, Again, In the hopes that this sparks conversation. Around this idea of permission to disappoint other people if it means reclaiming the reins to life. Alright, So that was guilt. The third reason. . . Why I feel reclaiming our reigns can be so challenging. Is because freedom. Can feel uncomfortable. Even though that's something that we aspire to want and desire and feel, Sometimes we become so accustomed to responding to other people's needs or expectations of us. That we don't actually know what to do when we finally have space for ourselves. So if you've been the person who everyone relies on to fix or problem solve everything, Or you're the person everyone calls. Or you're the person who remembers absolutely everything and keeps the ship running. And then you start setting boundaries. You stop rescuing people from every difficult situation and suddenly there's space for you. That can feel incredibly uncomfortable. Instead of feeling free, You might actually feel really, Really lost or unsure of what to do with that space. And that's. Ironic. Don't you think? That's lyrics from Alanis Morissette, A Canadian singer. But that's the irony of it, Is we. . . Crave and desire. Freedom. But then if we create it for ourselves, It can also feel incredibly unsettling. And this is because if so much of your identity has been built around being needed. Question can surface. Well, Who am I? When I'm not being useful to somebody else. Who is Megan? When Megan's not being useful to somebody else or some other project or some other situation. And that's not an easy question. You know, We talked earlier about identity. Someone in the chat mentioned the identity of being helpful. And sometimes we can confuse being needed with being valued. And notice that distinction. Being needed and being valued are two distinct things. And we can confuse productivity with worth. We can confuse productivity with our worth quite easily. We can also confuse responsibility with identity. And we confuse other people's approval with our own sense of self. And that can get in the way of reclaiming reigns. How's this landing for folks? But the fourth and final thing I've been reflecting on that gets in the way of reclaiming our reigns. Is the experience of self-trust. And how hard it is because it's built through experience of returning and practicing again and again. Self-trust is one of those tricky ones because Sometimes I think we emphasize that we have to be able to trust ourselves before we're supposed to feel like we can make a decision. So this idea of like, Well, When I'm more confident, I'll speak up about that or. When I stop feeling the guilt, I'll definitely set the boundary. Or something that I've even said before. Today, When I feel more certain that I'm making the right choice, I'll absolutely move forward. But let's challenge this idea that what if self-trust doesn't come before action? What if we need to be in action in order for self-trust to develop? Okay, So we practice, We make mistakes, We adjust. One of the most. Incredible pieces of advice. My coach gave me recently. Was. You can always return to that conversation, That boundary you tried to set that went horribly wrong. That conversation's not over, You can return and have that, You can open that conversation again. That was transformative for me. So I was like, Ah, I meant to say no. I said yes. The pattern's right there again. And gradually as we return and practice, Or we catch ourselves making the mistake or automatic yes quicker each time. That is useful information and that helps us become more confident in our ability to navigate. Reclaiming our reigns. Okay, Self-trust develops not by making perfect decisions. But I think if we can discover that we can make thoughtful choices. And cope with the uncertainty. And if we make a mistake, We can learn from it and then respond to ourselves compassionately. That's amazing. And it's that 1% more each time. How is that landing? Let me take a look in the chat. Hey. Chris says, This resonates with me because I've turned down SVP, So Senior Vice President, VP roles recently. Wow, Chris, Like. Incredible. That was probably a very difficult decision. I imagine, But saying no. If it meant more space and freedom for you. But Anya, We're taught to take that next promotion or the scarcity mindset will. . . There won't be any more opportunities. So thanks for sharing that. Catherine says she's finally ready for the action. It's taken 18 months. Plenty has been done in the meantime, But the time is now, This week. It's just been a lot. And isn't it interesting how we can put time parameters on it? Who's to say that 18 months is a long time, Catherine, If you have had a lifetime of automatic patterned ways of being? You know I share that as someone who also is quite critical of the time it's taking to learn some of these but it's like can we challenge that together like where did we come up with this idea that. Reclaiming the direction of our lives after a lifetime of not doing that should take a really quick amount of time. So let's challenge that together. All right, I'm still not done yet. I want to invite us into some reflection. So I asked you to bring your notebook and journal. So just take a moment to grab that. And this journaling reflection, What we're looking for is evidence, Data. We're collecting data. Okay, We're looking for. Patterns that maybe we haven't seen, We're looking for understanding. Because when we notice. . . Then we have the opportunity to make different choices. So noticing without criticism and judgment. Is where we begin. So you don't need to answer every question. You might find that you want to spend time on one question that's particularly meaningful. So if that's the case, Stay with that one. And of course, If something feels too personal or overwhelming. Simply pause. You're always allowed to choose how deeply you engage with this work. Reflection one, Where in my life am I still allowing guilt, Fear, Or the need for approval to influence my decisions? Okay, Recognizing where in your life this exists. So we talked about different contexts, Your family context, Your workplace. Friendships. Maybe it's your own expectations you place on yourself. Okay, No wrong answer here, Just take a moment to reflect. Where do you notice yourself saying yes? Automatically when maybe a pause to really consider if it should be a yes or maybe you actually want to say no. Alternatively, Where in your life do you find yourself over-explaining? Apologizing unnecessarily or taking on responsibility that really, If you really think about it, It doesn't belong to you. Either at all or in its entirety. Chris says, Becoming aware is the first step towards transformation, Integration, Freedom, And liberation. Yes, Couldn't have said it any better. The second question that I'd like you to consider is, What am I afraid? What do I fear might happen? If I say no or stop carrying what isn't mine. What am I afraid of? Might happen. If I say no. Or if I stop carrying. Responsibility that isn't mine. And let's try to really go beneath the surface here. I've talked a lot about the fear that surfaces for me that someone else will be disappointed. But I want to go a little bit deeper. What does that disappointment mean to you? That fear of disappointing someone? Does it mean. . . Rejection. Does it mean being seen as selfish? I saw that in the chat. Does it mean. . . The fear of being abandoned or losing your sense of purpose. Or maybe losing a version of yourself that you've really relied on for a long time. What are you afraid will happen if you say no? Or you stop carrying. What isn't yours? And remembering to meet that with curiosity. Collecting the data here. The third question. We want you to turn your attention towards something a little bit different. It's really easy to identify our wrongdoings. So this third question is about shifting from wrongdoing to what might be possible. Okay, So the question is, If I wasn't so focused. . . On meeting everyone else's expectations of me. What would I have more energy for? If I wasn't so focused on meeting everyone else's expectations of me. What would I have more energy for? This can be a bit of a truth bomb. Perhaps you'd have more energy for real rest and recovery. Maybe you'd have energy for that creative outlet that you've always wanted to do, But it keeps getting pushed off. Maybe you'd have more energy to focus on your own health or maybe learning something new. Maybe nurturing a relationship. You know, Even just simply having time and space to think. Reconnecting with the parts of yourself that may be you've forgotten or have been neglected. And it's okay also if you genuinely don't know. In this moment. This is to reflect upon before our next session together. Because sometimes when we've spent so long prioritizing other people, Like I said, Rediscovering your own needs takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of courage to just sit with that question, Even if an answer doesn't come. And then finally, The last reflection question. Which might be the most challenging. Is what matters to me. Independent of what other people expect from me. What matters to me? Independently of what other people expect from me. What kind of person do I want to be? What qualities? Do I want to bring into my relationships? What do I want my choices to reflect? It points to your values and it's really important to remember that your values can include caring for others. And also include caring for you. Remember putting yourself first. Within the group of people that you care for. These don't have to compete. So your task, There's a little bit of homework. What is one small decision? One small decision that you could make this week. That would help you practice trusting yourself. I'm not asking you to completely transform your life. Just one small choice. Maybe it's lengthening the pause. Before you say yes to the next thing you're asked to do. Maybe it's that, Just lengthening the pause. Maybe it's allowing someone else to take responsibility for their own tasks. Maybe it's asking for what you need. Resting without explaining why. Or choosing to do something or not do something because it matters to you. One small step that you can take this week. That would help you reclaim your reigns or choice or agency. I'd love to hear what people. Are thinking about. What's come up for them. If this resonated with you, I'd just love to hear what you're taking away from this session. And thank you so much for spending time here. I know we went over, I always have a disclaimer that it's hard for me to stick to these really vulnerable topics in 60 minutes. So thank you again for your time. Thank you for being here. Please take gentle care of yourselves and I'll see you in two weeks. Love this session and just so grateful for the platform of Insight Timer. Enjoy, Everyone.