A Guide For Making Room For Grief In Work & Life

Have you ever created intentional space in your life for grief? Really committed to clearing things out of your way to feel and process those emotions of loss and sadness, completely? Any time we’re moving from one normal into another one, grief can be a part of the package. Yet most of us don’t take the time to experience and feel it for what it is. This talk will guide you in personal reflection to create space to process your own grief.

Transcript

A guide for making room for grief at work and home.

Have you ever created intentional space in your life for grief?

Really committed to clearing things out of the way to feel and process those emotions of loss and sadness completely?

It's important to note that grief comes in many shapes.

A loss of a life,

A job,

Friendship,

Home,

Or even neighborhood to name a few.

Any time we're moving from one normal into another one,

Grief can be a part of the package.

Yet most of us don't take the time and space to experience and feel it for what it is.

I never knew that was possible until my grandparents died.

Like most of us,

I've had my share of grief to process in life,

And in all instances,

I went through the motions and then seemed to just move on.

In the case of a death,

I would go to the funeral,

Accept condolences,

And then go back to my routine at work,

At home,

With loved ones and strangers.

I'd pick myself up,

Numb myself out,

And go back into those regular motions.

This included my father's passing a couple of years ago.

My grief consisted of a few days on the couch,

Eating junk food and watching movies.

Then I picked myself up and moved forward,

No self-care,

No reflection,

Just back into the motions.

And that's certainly one way to handle it,

But how I chose to process my grief more recently was so much kinder to myself,

And just maybe the kindest thing I've ever done for myself.

Death is the only thing that we all know is coming,

Yet we're always so surprised when it happens.

For example,

When my grandparents died and knew they were going to be with us for a short while longer,

I made some serious choices.

Choice number one,

There was literally nothing more important in my life than saying goodbye in a way that felt like I was honoring them and myself.

Choice number two,

I was going to allow my daily experience of grief to be a priority in my life by making space for it.

Once those choices were cemented in my mind as the only things with real significance,

Everything else fell into place.

And it's my hope that these may apply to your life too.

The first thing I did was I canceled all non-essential meetings.

To be kind to myself,

I blind copied everyone at once,

Told them why I needed to reschedule,

And counted that as done in a matter of a few minutes.

The immediate wait that came from reclaiming a minimum of 15 hours of my week was enormous.

Everyone was so extremely kind and supportive of my need to reschedule.

I kept three essential meetings and used the rest of my time working on things that comforted me and allowed me the space to think clearly and with kindness.

And then it got me thinking,

Why did I have 15 non-essential meetings on my calendar anyway?

How about you?

If you were to clear out all non-essential meetings,

How much time would you recoup?

How would that feel?

Would you be able to use that time to honor your emotional experience?

The second thing I did was make space for self-care every day.

Things like going to therapy,

Taking a bath,

Walks in nature,

Reading,

Meditating,

And writing were all on my list.

Every day there was one scheduled item of self-care on my agenda,

Meaning that it was a commitment I was keeping.

In a week,

I had given myself the gift of self-care in a way that seemed like pure indulgence.

Each act rejuvenated me in a way that sent messages of,

Yes,

My body is important to care for.

Yes,

My spirit is important to nourish.

Thank goodness I can move slowly and be kind to myself.

When I look back,

None of those actions were longer than 90 minutes and took way less than the time I had given myself space for by removing those non-essential meetings.

What kind of self-care would make you have those feelings?

The third thing I did was reignited good habits.

I meditated,

Did some form of physical activity,

And cooked the most delicious meals with my husband every night.

These again seemed like a luxury to me when I do all three in one day,

Let alone all three for weeks straight every day.

These habits are a direct reflection of my values and things that always make me feel centered and on a good path when I regularly activate them in my life.

I just didn't think I had space for them all in one day.

Certainly never did I think that before,

And I was so very wrong.

What good habits could you reignite to align more deeply with your values?

The fourth thing I did was allow myself to feel what I was feeling without judgment.

What was most important throughout all of these experiences was making room for my emotions.

If I needed to full out cry and curl up into a ball,

I did.

If I needed to hold and rock myself and remind myself that everything was going to be okay,

I did.

If memories of the past were ignited by a smell,

Sound,

Sight,

Or taste,

I gave them the space to cherish them and be relived.

Each moment of emotion was just another piece of data that I was able to use as new wisdom for knowing what my grief looks like and what my grief feels like.

I didn't hurry through it.

I appreciated and loved it for what it was.

What would you need to shift for you in order to feel your feelings of grief without judgment?

Having done these four things literally changed my life,

And I believe they have the power to change yours too.

It helped me to realize my values more deeply,

Appreciate and support people in my life,

And make space to cherish the memories of the past.

In a time we are all working so damn hard,

It can feel impossible to push pause.

But when you do,

Your soul always thanks you.

When I made intentional room for grief,

It felt like I was swimming in warm molasses in all the best ways possible.

In a matter of minutes,

I'm making these executive decisions in life.

I gained immense clarity and gratitude for the gifts in simplicity.

I am always saying my goal is to live a simple,

Values-driven life.

The last gift my grandparents gave me was the realization that I can have that now.

I am the one getting in my own way of making that reality,

And that was an epiphany that I will take with me as I build the life I want to live.

I gained that knowing by making space for grief.

So while I offer these suggestions as a possible guide in grief,

We must remember that grief is a walk alone.

Others can be there and listen,

But you will walk down your own path,

At your own pace,

With your own pain.

You will come to your own peace,

In your own time,

In whatever way makes sense for you.

My experience is not yours,

And it is not a suggestion that one size fits all.

It's far from that,

When it comes to loss.

And grief doesn't simply go away in time.

It's just that our lives around that grief get bigger and therefore the intensity of its feeling simply take a new shape.

When you honor that process and pace,

It can create incredible new awarenesses and openings for you.

Grief is the last act of love we give to those we loved.

So where there is deep grief,

There was great love.

And that's what my life has felt like lately,

Fueled with love,

Reflection,

And gratitude.

Will you make room for your grief?

Reviews

Wise words and well explained thank you. Grief can be exhausting and self-care is such an essential part of the healing process.

Reminded me of other perspectives of grief than drowning in it.

WOW!!! Amazing, you just described what I've been trying to do and that is preparing for my Mom's passing. She has been my best friend for most of life and I am not sure what my life is going to be like without her in it. Which is why I am trying to prepare. You have given me some helpful tips which make alot of sense to me. Thank you for the ideas you've given me.
I think that they will prove to be very useful. 🙏🏼🙏🏼
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
MARYBETH
💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
MaryBeth I don't know if you will see this or not but I wanted to let you know Mom's status. She turned 99yrs old in Dec. and her organs are all healthy for a woman 5 to 10 years younger. The problem lies with her mind. Mom went into the hospital 7yrs ago with pneumonia, she was there for 4 weeks and when she came out she needed alot of help with day to day things as Dementia had set in, in that she lost almost 40% of her ability to function. For example, she could not remember how to operate the TV or her computer and all of this broke her heart. Even with all the Home Care the Gov't provides within 1 1/2 years Mom had to go into long term care, where she has been now for 5 years. The Dementia has continued to worsen until she doesn't recognize most of her friends(Covid with isolation and no visitors for months sometimes really increased this),this happens even with her best friend. She still knows me, but talks very little, but she smiles at me and my whole Universe lights up. When we are together even if we don't speak another would be able to feel the energy that passes between us. I really wish her mind was still with her so we could enjoy the end of the time on this plane together. So MaryBeth I have alot to prepare for as you can see. That was why I was so grateful to find your Talk, and how important it will be for me. Thank you again for your creation. I have already started listening to it and I will make it part of my daily routine. May God Bless and keep you and yours. Maureen

Lovely vocie calming words

Thank you for reminding me that there is grace behind self care. Much love.

This was so incredibly helpful to hear. I recently experienced multiple family deaths, plus the death of my long-time secretary at work, plus became an empty-nester AND had a major surgery (and a few major family events), all within about a 14 month span of time. In a strange way, I was grateful for the surgery because I was off work for almost 2.5 months. Self-care became paramount.

Grief changes us. None of the deaths were entirely unexpected, though in all cases it was basically a matter of weeks from realization to loss. Enough time to prepare a bit, not enough time to let it consume my life in advance. Having finished with the memorials, the funerals, the recovery, I am back at work, but I am different now.

I am focusing on restructuring and rebuilding. My priorities have shifted - like you, when I heard one of my grandparents was near death, all else faded away and being there became my top priority. I was blessed to have some time to visit, and was there at the moment of death. A deeply profound and humbling final intimacy of love and respect.

I have had time, during recovery, to consider many things about my life, and making room for self-care and stripping away many non-essentials via decluttering in all aspects of my life has been invaluable. The work continues. I found ways to honor those I no longer have with me in this world, and it is good. I still have moments of crushing waves of grief, but I close my eyes, allow those waves to wash over and through me, consider a warm memory of that person, and now I can smile (some) when I emerge from the other side of the wave.

I needed to hear this talk today. With the holiday season in full swing already, I am having more of those waves as the "first ____ without" events come around. Thank you for the timely reminder that self-care is critical - and most importantly, that where there is great grief, there has also been great love.

I see the light within you. 🤲🏻❤️🤲🏻