Have you ever pointed out a strength in someone that they couldn't see themselves?
Or maybe you've had the experience.
Someone tells you,
Hey,
You're so determined or you're so kind and your first reaction is,
Nah,
That's not me.
What have I told you?
There's a simple exercise that can completely shift the way you see yourself and helps others see themselves more clearly too.
That is what I want to share with you today.
Hello and welcome.
My name is Martha Curtis.
I'm a psychotherapist and coach and I specialize in working with creatives and in helping people recover from abusive and narcissistic relationships.
And I also train coaches.
Now,
Recently I introduced a particular exercise to the students of my coach training program and they found it incredibly powerful.
The people they practiced with found it powerful too.
And I thought to myself,
Hey,
If it made such a big difference there,
Why don't I share it here?
Because this is something you can do with anyone,
A friend,
A family member or someone you trust at work.
And here's how it works.
You invite someone you trust to help you with a little task.
You don't need to tell them all the details.
Just say something like,
Hey,
I'm doing a small exercise for a training or something I read.
Would you be willing to share a story with me?
And then ask them to tell you about a challenge in their life.
It could also be something they've already overcome or something they are still in the middle of working through.
Your role is to simply listen.
Listen deeply with presence,
Curiosity and with respect.
And while they are speaking,
You have a pen and paper ready.
Write down all the strengths you notice.
These could be things like perseverance,
Kindness,
Courage,
Honesty,
Hope.
They could also be more action-oriented qualities like being organized,
Resourceful,
Supportive or determined.
And don't just listen to their words.
Pay attention to your own experience of them in that very moment when they are telling you this story.
If you feel they are showing vulnerability or trust or authenticity or honesty,
Write those down too,
Because those are strengths as well.
The key is to be authentic.
Only write down what you truly see and hear.
This is not about fluttery.
It's about honoring the truth of what you witness.
When they finish telling their story,
Hand them the list.
Let them read it.
And then ask them,
How do you feel looking at this?
And after that,
Ask,
Is there anything here that doesn't feel right or that you disagree with?
And here's the thing.
Don't be surprised if they hesitate.
Many people find it hard to accept something positive about themselves,
Even when they've just given the evidence in their own story.
They might say things like,
Oh no,
That's not me or I don't think I'm like that.
And this is where your role becomes so important.
If they disagree,
Show them why you wrote it down.
Give them the evidence from what they told you.
For example,
When you said you nearly gave up but decided to give yourself one more week,
I saw determination in that and also hope that it might work after all.
You also showed vision because you can see yourself there.
You're simply reflecting back what's already there.
And this is why this exercise really matters and it's so powerful.
Because so,
So often we are blind to our own strengths.
We dismiss them.
We downplay them.
We think they don't count.
But when someone else listens with care and reflects those strengths back to us,
It can be profoundly moving.
And sometimes it can even change the way we see ourselves.
Now,
In professional coaching,
We often use the Viyar Character Strength Survey,
And it's a great tool.
It gives us a profile of a person's signature strengths,
Their middle strengths,
And the ones that are lower.
But here's the thing.
I always recommend doing this exercise with clients before giving them the survey.
And why?
Because for clients who come in with low self-worth and low self-esteem,
Seeing their own story reflected back in the language of strengths can be transformative.
It lands in a way that no report or profile ever could.
It says,
This is what I see in you.
This is what you have shown me.
And again,
I can't say this enough.
It only works if you are honest.
Please,
Please,
Please be genuine.
If you don't hear a strength,
Don't write it down.
If you can't give evidence for it,
Don't say it.
Anything else would feel phony and it would dishonor the person you're with.
What matters is your authenticity,
Your integrity,
And your presence.
So that's it.
That's the exercise.
Try it with a friend,
A family member,
Or someone you trust.
Invite them to share,
Listen deeply,
And spot their strengths,
Reflect them back,
And notice what happens.
Notice what it does for them,
And notice what it also does for you.
And thank you so much for listening today.
And if you found this interesting and you know someone who would enjoy this episode as well,
Please share it with them,
Share it with anyone who might be interested in hearing this.
Until next time.
