Em Heal Ex Mod 2 Cl 5: Top Dog & Under Dog: Judge And Victim

In this session, we will mediate on our judgmental “top dog” self and victim “underdog” self. We are aiming to understand their needs and develop an action plan to fulfill them. We will discover in our being those balancing actions that allow us to heal our judgmental and victimizing self at the same time, bringing them to the negotiation table and reestablishing contact with the self within who feels whole and integrated, in this way embracing the fullness of our being with love and acceptance.

Transcript

So let's have ourselves an exercise to look a bit into the top dog,

Underdog dimension within our being into this very specific split that we might have in our being.

I remind you the top dog is the one inside of us that is the authoritarian,

The one that demands perfection,

The judge,

The nasty voice of some grown-ups that we might have interiorized.

Whereas the underdog is the victim,

Is the one suffering from all the commands of the top dog and the one saying,

I can't actually do this.

I wish to but I can't do it.

So let's observe this split within our own being in this next exercise.

And for this I would like to ask you to if you have a notebook to take two pages out of your notebook and if you have a phone or computer or something then to arrange within your device within your file.

Two sections we could say,

One section to address the activity of the top dog and one section to address the activity of the underdog.

Now if you want to really go wild on this,

What you can do is to put two chairs in front of each other or two pillows and to sit one after the other on the top dog pillow and see what the top dog has to say and then on the underdog pillow and see what the underdog has to say.

Or you can simply just turn a little bit.

You turn a bit to the right,

You turn a bit to the left and you do it like this.

So if you have your arrangement of your space and your file or your notebook,

That would be very good.

So let's make sure we have two sections within our file or two sections within our notebook.

You can write already a headline on top of the first one you write top dog and on top of the second section or page you write underdog.

And when we are ready with this,

Let's take a moment and close our eyes.

We take a deep breath,

We relax.

We gradually dive into our inner universe and we can address an issue that we feel guilty about,

That we have some tensions around.

This could be something that you've already been working on in the past or it could be a new aspect.

And once you're clear what aspect of guilt,

Of confusion,

Of inner conflict you wish to work with.

So could for example be I wish to be punctual on one end and I'm apparently not managing to do that on the other end.

Or maybe it's I wish to do so and so practice in my life and I don't manage to do it.

I wish to treat the people around me so and so and I don't manage to do it and so forth.

So something that you feel there is a wish to transform.

There is something that you feel if it's not being transformed.

It's not an ideal way of moving forward.

And then once you have it,

You can just hold it within your inner universe.

Let's bring the power to observe and to accept into the picture.

I wish to have clarity around this aspect that we feel guilty about.

And then we can identify ourselves first with the part of our being that is more the top dog part in this scenario.

And you could let it just empty out.

You could either say it or you could write it down in the pages of your document or notebook.

And simply address the situation,

The guilt situation you have in your inner universe from the viewpoint of the top dog.

So this might be come on,

How come you're always late,

What is the situation with this,

This is unacceptable.

Didn't your mother teach you right?

And whatever this voice might be saying.

The voice of the top dog can be quite sharp and harsh,

Even insulting at times.

But simply remain in this attitude of witnessing and just simply write down.

What is it that the top dog of the situation is requiring from you?

And just let them voice it out.

You can either say it out loud or write it down.

See if you can really catch this kind of voice which is judging you for doing this mistake,

For not managing this thing.

And then try to empty out and to write down the judgmental thoughts and words of that part of your being.

So hopefully you have found a few words,

A few ways of judgmental exercise.

A few ways of judgmental expression that might be part of this guilt issue.

Again,

Remember if you are simply already propelling forward into action,

Your guilt is integrated.

But if you're not,

Then there's probably something stuck in the pipes and some judgment might be the case.

So in this stage we write down all the judgments that we have of ourselves in this scenario that we feel guilty with.

You could read what you wrote there and typically if we are really in touch with the top dog part of our being,

The judgment will be at least a bit exaggerated.

Like something like,

Come on,

I mean this is disgusting.

How disgusting is it not to be punctual?

But it will have some sort of exaggerated ways of speaking usually.

Then we can shift our awareness within our inner universe to the underdog of the situation.

The one that feels is the victim of the situation,

The one that feels put down,

The one that feels burdened by this,

The one that says I can't,

I'm unable.

So try to find and to feel the underdog within this guilt scenario that you are facing.

And then again just let it voice itself out.

You can either say it out loud or you can write it in your notebook or in your file.

What is it that the underdog is saying?

So this could be stuff like,

Well,

You know,

Everybody knows I should be punctual but I've never managed in my life and already my grandmother wasn't punctual.

So I might have explanations.

So see if this part that usually has explanations and stories for why we are not doing what we want to do,

What we feel is right to do.

And let it voice out a bit.

You can let it whine a bit.

Oh,

But come on,

Everybody has this problem.

You tell me one person who doesn't have this punctuality problem.

Yeah,

And see what is this underdog saying.

Usually something like,

Yeah,

You're principally right but.

And then just let it voice out,

Let it just write what it has to say.

Sometimes it's just one line.

And for a moment you can just contemplate the different feeling of these two.

Okay,

So there's the judge,

The top dog saying,

Okay,

Listen,

This is unacceptable.

What should the people think or whatever.

And then the underdog who will be like,

No,

Come on.

It's not like that.

I really want to.

I'm trying.

Can't you see I'm trying.

I feel I'm not appreciated.

Or whatever it might be.

You can even see it like an inner imagery,

Feel in your body when you relate to the top dog.

What's going on in your body.

Some of you might feel that your spine is straightening out a little and maybe you're putting the hands into the hips or something and you look more strict and your face gets a little grudgy and so on.

Maybe you get some tension in the tummy.

And then what happens when you feel the underdog?

There's usually much more sluggish and sort of flowing and collapsing and being like obedient and having this kind of body posture and feeling in your body.

And then see if you can hold within your awareness both of these parts.

So there's one part inside of me that is overpowering and waving the index finger and being angry.

And then there's judgmental.

And then there's another part that is withering away and victimizing in this kind of way.

And then see if you can just see them together,

If you can see the scene together.

And then of course you can ask yourself who do you have more thoughts of pity for in this scenario?

Who do you feel more like,

Oh poor thing.

Yes,

Very clearly the underdog.

That will then eventually win this argument by pleading cute.

And then you can also understand what's your feeling towards the top dog which is like my god calm down.

Yeah,

Why are you so strict?

Like this is too much and it's pushy and it's nasty.

Which of course will make you step away from identifying with that part and will make it harder to say this is me.

When I see a little beaten up something on the floor I scream at it for why is it not doing better?

Because that's what I'm doing to myself every day.

Interesting.

And now once that we hold these two in our awareness see if you can ask the underdog what is actually their need.

When they say look I can't do this.

What need are they trying to express?

It might be that the underdog is saying this because you know what my need is I want peace.

I don't want to be bothered with all of this stuff please.

Maybe the underdog is saying well I've never learned this and I actually need that someone will believe in me.

And then I would maybe be able to learn this thing that the top dog is asking.

So ask the underdog what is their need?

Why are they acting in the way that they act?

What need are they trying to express?

Maybe you find one or two or three.

You can write them down of course.

And then ask yourself the same thing about the top dog.

What is the top dog's need?

If you want you could even envision you are sitting there and then you bring in the underdog to the left.

Okay,

Hi.

What's your need?

Okay,

So actually you need some time off sometimes.

That's the need you have.

You want to regenerate.

Okay,

Fine.

And then here to the right the top dog.

What is with you?

Well,

You know I want to be a solid human being with a good moral spine.

Okay,

Nice.

Very good.

And then write that down too.

So you become like the mediator between these two parts.

Understanding what do they actually need that is under the words that they are using.

Under the attitude that they have.

What is their need?

Top dog need,

Underdog need.

Yeah,

It might be that the need of the top dog has nothing to do with being punctual.

But just like look I want to be respectful with the time of other people because I want to be a good citizen in that way.

Okay,

Great.

This is a wonderful need that you can note down.

Let's give it another moment to conclude the needs of the top dog and underdog.

And now I invite you once you have the needs more clear you can read them to yourself.

Okay,

So actually you know I have this punctuality thing.

Not I have to be punctual and I can't.

But actually my underdog has the need to be relaxed around time and to not stress.

Okay.

And my top dog has the need to be respectful with the time of other people.

Okay,

Good.

Now,

How could I live?

How could I act?

What kind of little things,

Little tiny things and adjustments could I start doing from today that would allow both of these needs to be accommodated?

You can first take one need at a time.

So how can I accommodate my need to be relaxed with time?

Write down two things.

And then how can I accommodate my need to be respectful of the time of other people?

Write down two practical things you could do.

Yeah,

In my example.

Underdog needs,

What can I do?

Top dog needs,

What can I do?

Let's take another moment to complete this.

And in the final moment you can ask yourself about these needs and their fulfillment that you found out.

Do these fulfillments of the needs actually contradict?

Is that contradiction that was there before,

The split between top dog and underdog actually real or can these need fulfillments be accommodated together within your being?

And if yes,

How?

And you can write down.

Let's take another minute to complete our balanced action plan.

You can write down a few more elements and see how to accommodate the needs of the top dog and underdog that you found within your inner universe in a harmonious way,

Bringing them together within your being.

And when you are complete,

With your action plan,

We can gradually conclude the exercise,

But I would encourage you to sit with it a little more.

So sit a little bit to finalize this action plan in time,

But please be notified to take some time today,

Tomorrow and in the next few days to conclude this action plan,

To look at it again and again,

To see if the top dog and underdog still have some elements that they wish to voice,

Needs that they still wish to express,

And then treat it in the same way,

Gradually formulating a more and more harmonious way of acting around this issue that you currently feel guilt about.

Thank you.

Reviews

Very useful exercise to have clarity on the background motivations of guilt, thank you