The Cost Of Denial Of Death

Living as if we will live forever comes at a great cost. We waste a lot of time in unhealthy jobs or relationships, and we put things off. We live with regrets and take things, people, and situations for granted, among many other things. In this episode, we look at the cost of living in denial of death and how facing this reality can significantly enrich our lives and improve our quality of life and relationships.

Transcript

Welcome to Living Simply,

A guide to mindful living and mindful parenting,

With your host,

Dr.

Gina.

Hello,

Everybody,

And welcome back to Living Simply with Dr.

Gina Madrigrano.

My name is Ben Barber.

Dr.

Gina,

How are you today?

Welcome back.

Hi,

Ben.

I'm good.

Good.

I'm glad that we're both in a good mood because we're talking about something a little serious today.

Why don't you let us know what the subject matter is for this episode?

So today we're going to talk about denial of death.

Even the word of death scares people off.

Yeah.

I don't.

.

.

You know what?

I'm out.

I'm out.

I don't want to do this.

I don't want to do this one.

We'll see you later,

Guys.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

So we'll do it.

We'll do it.

Yes.

I don't want to talk about it,

Though,

In general.

You're very right.

People don't want to do it.

I don't want to do it.

Why?

Yeah.

We avoid,

In our society,

America,

Canada,

Europe,

We tend to push off death and seeing death as a reality because it's scary.

If we picture our parents dying,

Our pets,

Who wants to think about that?

It's not a pleasant thing to talk about,

But it is an important thing to talk about because it does impact how we live our life.

So I thought that's why we should talk about it,

Because it really does have an impact on mental health,

Actually.

And I see it in my practice,

And that's what I want to dive into today.

Okay.

How does it impact our lives to deny the existential dread of dying?

Yeah.

Well,

Think about it this way,

And when I'm going to speak,

Think of people around you.

Think of yourself.

If we deny that our lives are very fragile,

Like we could disappear in a minute.

We even saw with COVID,

That put it in our face pretty quickly.

When we think we're going to live forever,

So we deny we're going to die,

We tend to put things off.

We tend to waste a lot of time,

Whether it's in jobs we don't like,

Relationships that are not satisfying,

Anything,

Any situation that's unpleasant,

Or we just put things off our health,

Our physical health,

Our mental health.

We keep putting things off till tomorrow,

Because we assume we're all going to live till we're 90 or 100,

When we really know in reality,

If we look around us,

If you're lucky,

Maybe not,

But children die,

Starting from miscarriage to stillborn to infants to childhood cancers,

Disease,

Stupid accidents,

Freak accidents,

Disaster,

Tornadoes,

Hurricanes,

Floods,

Landslides.

There's no guarantee when we expire,

And that's pretty scary.

So when we live thinking we'll live forever,

Like I said,

We tend to take every day for granted.

We,

For example,

Argue with people or are unkind.

How many people have regrets after a person died?

Oh my gosh,

I can't believe my last day with that person,

I was arguing with them.

I was giving them crap.

It was so stupid.

We sweat the small stuff.

When we look at life thinking,

If I knew I would expire in a month,

Is this how I would live my last month?

If I knew this person would be gone next week by a freak accident,

Is this how I want to treat them?

Would I have any regrets?

So when you face the reality that we're mortal and that we really have no idea when our last breath will be,

It forces us to be more mindful on a daily basis of every single choice we make.

And I don't mean the extreme,

You know,

I know I have one month to live,

I'm going to blow all my money.

That's irresponsible.

I don't mean it in that sense.

But if you knew you had two years left to live,

Let's say,

Would it be that important to work 60 hours a week so you have a bigger house?

Or would you choose to have a smaller house and instead spend more time with the people you love and travel or maybe you invest more in experiences as opposed to things,

Right?

This is just a simple example,

But it's,

Think you're on your deathbed.

If you're on your deathbed tomorrow or next week,

What would be your regrets?

You don't have to live with regrets.

So start today making the choices so you don't have regrets down the line,

Whether it's with yourself or with the people around you.

So I just,

I just came up on,

When we're recording this,

It's March,

2022.

And I just came up on the two year anniversary of my biggest regret.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

Do you want to share?

Yeah,

Absolutely.

When I,

So Thursday,

March 11th or 12th,

2020.

It was the day after like Tom Hanks got COVID and the NBA shut down and,

You know,

And everybody was like,

Oh,

Okay,

This is real,

Real bad.

And I,

My parents were both in the nursing home and I knew that it was going to be shut down for at least two weeks.

And I went to the store for them to get a bunch of stuff.

I went to get a bunch of like canned goods and whatever.

And I went to get them like their favorite snacks and things that I wouldn't be able to bring them.

I got my dad a pillow to hold up his iPad,

You know,

Just some nice stuff.

And I was freaked out in the supermarket grocery store,

Large chain by all the people and whatever.

And I sat in my car and I've,

I had this habit for a really long time and I still do of sitting in my car when I'm at a place that I need to be or I'm somewhere else and just staring out into space and literally doing nothing and just zoning out and wasting time and thinking.

And I got in my car and the nursing home was going to close at like 530.

And I got in my car at about five and I stayed until about 520 just sitting.

And I had five minutes to go in and see them and give them their stuff and run down and see my aunt and give them all hugs and say,

I love you.

And I give myself about five minutes to do it.

And that would be the last time that I ever got to hug them,

Got to see.

I don't even think I did hug them because of the issue.

But I would do anything to get those 20 minutes back.

I had no idea that it was going to be the last time that I ever saw them like that.

So yeah,

That's crazy.

Yeah.

But you,

I don't know the whole story around why you were sitting there in your car.

It's just a habit,

Just a habit to like I get overwhelmed and then I just sit and zone out.

To calm yourself back down?

Yeah.

I mean,

I would assume so,

But like,

It's not even,

It's not even like I was super stressed.

Like even just like,

I don't know,

It's just a habit that I've always had of like going like,

Okay,

There's like,

I got to,

I got to,

You know,

Like,

I don't know if it's like ADHD,

Like can't like bring myself to get up and do the thing.

Like I just,

It freaked me out though,

That,

That I did that,

You know,

It made me,

Made me very angry.

And part of it though,

You have to be gentle with yourself because you kind of had a good reason to be freaked out based on your own health history.

So if you needed that to calm yourself down,

That,

That was good self care that,

That you regret in the sense,

Yes,

Because it was the last time,

Last opportunity you had because of the circumstances,

But you had just done an act of love,

Meaning you shop for all their best things.

So you did do stuff for them as opposed to like,

Ah,

They,

Who cares?

They can wait,

You know?

So that part,

You did live fully and you did love and care for them.

And if you needed a few moments to retreat to,

Oof,

Because it is a lot and there was a lot of people and it was pretty difficult times back then because we didn't know what was going on.

So that kind of regret is often common when someone dies,

We,

We always have a regret.

We could have done more,

But I think in,

In this situation,

You're kind of being hard on yourself because you were always there for your parents.

I think part of it.

That doesn't,

That doesn't check out,

Gina.

I've never been hard on myself.

And yes,

I think in,

In this case,

I think it's a normal regret.

Like I said,

When,

When people die,

We're like,

If I'd known,

Yeah,

But we never know.

So there you have to look at the big picture.

You did so much good for your parents and you were there for them.

You just went shopping for all of them and you,

You were even thoughtful.

You didn't just go,

Ah,

I'll just get whatever.

You had a long-term vision when you got all this stuff for them.

So when I talk about regret is,

Is more in a self-sabotaging way,

Unloving way,

And you had so much love for them.

So honestly,

I think that it's a,

I think that like,

It's a testament to the fact that we regret,

We regret everything.

Like,

You know what I mean?

Like I had a great relationship with them and I still like have these regrets.

Imagine if I didn't.

Right.

Yeah.

So like all of,

There are so many people out there that,

That don't have,

Um,

That like want to,

That they just assume that they have time,

Right.

To,

To like fix unresolved feelings or to bury the hatchet or to do whatever.

And you don't always.

And another thing that you,

That you talked about at the very beginning of like,

We literally don't,

We assume that people are going to live until like they're 80,

90 years old.

And why?

Like literally from the moment that you're,

That you're like conceived,

Not even from the moment that you're conceived,

You have an exponential chance of dying every day that,

You know what I mean?

Like you're always,

And whatever it is,

You're always closer to the end,

Like,

Right.

We're now closer to the end than we were a second ago.

And that's super scary.

It is scary.

And that's why it's better if we go in denial.

So we don't want to go to the extreme where every day you start thinking,

I'm going to die.

I'm going to die.

Because then,

Then you'll think,

Well,

What's the point of living,

Right?

Have you,

Have you heard like plan for tomorrow,

Live for today?

Yeah.

I've heard that.

I don't,

I,

I don't know if any,

I don't like,

I'm sure that that's a thing a lot.

I don't know if I'm misusing a quote,

But I think that that makes a lot of sense,

Right?

Like plan as if you have tomorrow,

Do the things that will pay off for tomorrow so that like you're,

You're ensuring a better life for you and your loved ones and doing all of those things.

But like,

Don't forsake today because tomorrow is going to be where it's at,

You know?

And that's the principle of mindfulness,

Right?

It's yes,

Plan for the future.

You don't want to live only in the future.

So plan for the future smartly so you don't burden anyone else and you live responsibly and live today to the fullest and live today to the fullest doesn't mean you have to go wild and crazy as if you're going to die tomorrow.

But it means appreciate today,

Take the time,

Um,

You know,

If you have kids to tell them you love them,

Notice them,

Pay attention to them,

Eye contact so that you don't have regrets.

So it doesn't mean you have to live on a big scale every single day because in the end,

What brings us satisfaction are the simple moments.

You know,

The sunsets,

Someone's hug,

Someone's thoughtful,

Um,

Comment towards you.

Those things are more meaningful than the big,

You know,

You just won $10,

000.

Yes,

It's exciting,

But that's not necessarily what brings meaning to our life.

And of course we'll always have regrets to some degree,

But some of it is out of our control.

So,

And because it's not a show on regret,

But regret is part of a denial of death.

But an example close to yours,

If,

If I knew my mom would die,

Like your parents,

The year of COVID,

She was older,

She was fragile.

I was so scared to make her sick that the time before the last time I saw her,

I stayed far from her.

I didn't hug her.

We had masks.

And then the next visit I saw her,

I'm like,

Screw it,

I'm hugging her.

It's like I had an instinct,

But still the whole visit in the,

Where we were,

She was far,

You know,

We didn't hug her.

And then in palliative care,

They're like,

Wear masks and glasses.

And like,

She's dying,

Like she'll die of her illness before she dies of COVID.

And I couldn't bring her,

Her tea or she had a little teddy bear my daughter had for her.

And it,

You know,

Some of it is out of our control,

But I'm glad I removed my mask when,

When the nurse wasn't there so she could see my face,

She could barely hear me.

And but,

You know,

There are regrets the time before we,

We should have hugged her.

We should have,

But how do we know,

Right?

We're weighing things,

But I'm so glad we visited her.

So same with your parents,

It's like,

You did get the groceries and all this stuff that you didn't hug well,

You know,

It wasn't a big context.

And those regrets are not necessarily related to the denial of death.

It's just randomness of life.

And that's the point.

We can't prevent it and we can't cover all our bases.

Well,

We're going to miss,

Hit and miss.

Yep.

So we really are.

And if we,

If we acknowledge we won't live forever,

I think it helps us be more grateful for today.

Yes.

As opposed to complaining all the time.

Like,

Well,

Every day I heard a million people don't wake up,

They die in their sleep.

So instead of complaining,

Well,

Be grateful you woke up because you won the lottery today.

And maybe it'll help you not sweat the small stuff.

It'll help you to live so you don't regret.

It'll help you to realign with your values and what brings your life meaning.

I think those are the benefits of accepting we are mortal.

We won't live forever.

Everything dies.

Nothing's permanent.

Ideas,

People,

The bad weather.

And I think it would change people's lives drastically if they stopped denying that reality.

Absolutely.

Is there anything else that you'd like to end with?

No,

Those were my final thoughts.

Awesome.

Well,

If you struggle with this as I do,

And you'd like to contact Dr.

Gina to talk about it more,

All of her links are in the description.

You can reach out to her wherever you're listening or watching this.

Thank you so much,

Dr.

Gina.

This is a difficult conversation,

But I'm happy to have it with you.

And thank you for your kindness and understanding and wealth of knowledge.

As always,

I really,

Genuinely,

Truly appreciate you.

Ditto,

Ben.

Thanks,

And I'll see you soon.

All right,

We'll see you guys next time.

Bye.

For more information or to book an appointment with Dr.

Gina,

Go to DrMandragorano.

Com or click the link in the description of this episode.

Reviews

This was a very interesting talk, really sensitively tackled and good reminders to live in the present and appreciate all we have. Thank you Dr Gina and Ben. Love and blessings 💜 x