Be Impeccable With Your Words

In this episode, Dr Gina discusses the importance of being impeccable with your word (The Four Agreements- DMRuiz). She speaks of the importance of authenticity and the choice of words in relationships, including in our parenting journey. Words have power & being present allows us to slow down & choose our words carefully due to the impact of our words on ourselves & others. Speaking intentionally & responsibly is vital in healthy relationships.

Transcript

Welcome to Living Simply,

A guide to mindful living and mindful parenting with your host,

Dr.

Gina.

Hi everybody,

Welcome to the show.

Hi Ben,

How you been?

I've been good,

How are you?

I'm good,

Looking forward to this episode.

Me too.

We are talking about,

We're continuing,

We have two more agreements to go on our series based on the four agreements by Don McGill-Ruiz.

It's a fascinating book,

It's one of my favorite books for sure.

I read it for the first time a couple years ago.

This episode is going to be about the third one that we're covering,

Not in any particular order.

Be impeccable with your word.

So before we get into be impeccable with your word,

I just want to touch again for context.

Why do you think that these four agreements are so important?

I think they're at the basis of healthy relationships and they're basic and easy concepts we can teach kids and older people.

They're easy to understand and if we can live by them,

We would reduce a lot of suffering,

A lot of conflict,

And yeah,

I just think they're basic truths and easy to live by,

Not complicated at all.

I agree completely.

Something that sounds really easy but gets really complicated for a lot of people is being impeccable with your word,

So let's talk about it.

Yes,

I thought it'd be fun to talk about it in general and then we could also talk about it relating to parenting.

So this could be a topic we could talk about for many,

Many hours,

But I thought we could start with how to be impeccable with our word and one would be to listen to the golden rule,

Which is before we speak and say something,

We should think,

Reflect.

We don't have to think for two hours,

But is it true?

Is it kind?

Is it necessary?

So the first one,

Is it true,

Connects with the first agreement I think we talked about was am I making an assumption?

If I'm making an assumption,

It's not necessarily true.

Right.

Right?

So I think if all three are not there,

Sometimes it's worth not saying what we're about to say.

Yeah,

For sure.

And I would add to those,

Timing.

Timing is really,

Really important when we communicate something to someone.

So let's see if it's true.

Is it kind and is it really necessary?

I think those are easy rules to live by.

If you want to start with how to be impeccable with your word.

I think let's dissect true,

Kind and necessary for a second.

Because I think sometimes kind can be,

You know,

Not everything is rainbow and butterflies when you have to say it.

Sometimes you have to have hard truths.

And sometimes being kind isn't a compliment,

You know,

But sometimes being kind,

Like it's,

Would you say that it's more kind to sort of address something head on than it is to,

If being,

If the lie,

If like,

If kind equals not telling the truth,

Then it's not kind.

Does that make sense?

Yeah.

Or if you want to distinguish kind from being nice.

Now there's this thing,

Be nice,

Be nice.

But sometimes being nice is kind of a trap.

So if we could put kind into,

In the context you're saying,

Is it,

Is there a basis of love behind it?

Versus it might not be pleasant to hear,

But kind in the sense that it's for the benefit of the relationship.

Right.

It's your intent.

What is your intent behind it?

Yeah.

So it's not kind like to tell someone they look like crap.

Well,

It's,

It's not very kind.

Is it necessary if your partner,

Your spouse doesn't look good that day?

Well,

If they're not going on TV and so if they don't look good and they're going on TV,

Well,

It might be kind to tell them they have broccoli in their teeth.

So I think it's more in,

In that way.

Is it kind?

Meaning is it going to help the other person or the relationship even if the message itself is not filled with unicorn and rainbows and roses?

So could we say that the intent,

It's about the intent being based out of love.

Like why are you saying,

You know,

That's what kind means in this situation.

Is it true?

Is it based in love what you're saying and not trying to tear somebody down and is it overall,

Is it necessary?

That makes a lot of sense.

Yeah.

And that's my perception.

Obviously some people might disagree.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And the necessary,

Like some things,

You know,

We,

We,

We have two ears and one mouth and there's a reason we should listen more than we speak.

And sometimes we say stuff that doesn't need to be said of air or,

You know,

Even if it's not directly to the person,

Example,

Um,

Gossip,

Right?

If I'm gonna tell you,

Oh Ben,

I,

I'm going,

I need to tell you something someone told me.

Um,

But please don't tell them.

I told you.

Um,

Well what I'm going to say is true.

Um,

But is it kind to the person who's not there to speak behind their back or break their trust?

Is it necessary for me to bond with you through someone else's secret?

Not really.

So maybe I shouldn't say that.

So it's not necessarily always,

Um,

One on one face to face.

It could be about talking about other people or just talking in general.

So example,

Discriminatory comments,

Racist comments.

It's not necessarily directed to the person you're talking to,

But you know,

Is it kind of,

Oh,

Look at their,

Look how they're dressed.

Like the person who's been commented about might never know,

But really it,

You're modeling these words that are not really impeccable.

You're judging someone else's appearance,

Let's say.

Yeah,

For sure.

Um,

Gossip is a gossip is a terrible thing that I think all of us to some level or another,

You know,

Everyone is guilty of it in some respect at some point,

Uh,

No matter how much you try and then you really have to make it a conscious effort.

Um,

That makes a lot of sense to me.

So,

Uh,

The next thing that I kind of wanted to ask you about is,

Um,

Sort of the,

The second aspect of being impeccable with your word is,

Um,

Like do what you say you're going to do.

Right.

So the trust factor,

Like,

Um,

Being impeccable with your word in,

In,

Uh,

From what,

From my understanding in the Don Miguel Ruiz framework has a lot of,

Uh,

Say what you mean,

Which is the first part of what we say.

The first part of what we've talked about so far is say what you mean,

Say,

Say what's,

What's true,

What's kind,

What's necessary.

But the second part of it,

Which may be even more important or,

Or I don't know,

I want your,

Uh,

Judgment on this is,

Um,

Or your thoughts,

Sorry,

Is,

Uh,

Is,

You know,

Um,

Saying what you're doing,

What you say.

So once you say it,

You have to follow through in order to be impeccable with your word.

Yes.

Stand by what you say.

So that's so important in relationships,

Even with kids,

What we noticed,

What people do more than what they say.

So if there's a discrepancy between what they say and what they do,

We'll pick up more on what they do.

So when we get a bad vibe about someone or get annoyed by them,

Sometimes it's that discrepancy.

They say one thing,

But when you look at their actions,

Their actions don't match their words.

And you know,

I come to this a lot,

Like with the people pleasing,

People will say one thing to please the other,

But really it's not what they stand by.

So they'll say yes to a favor when really they don't have time to do that favor or they don't really feel like it.

And then they'll find any excuse not to follow through.

So they're not being impeccable with their words with other people or themselves.

Yeah.

That's I think that's the toughest part of it.

You know,

Like I really think that gossip,

Although we've talked about how hard gossip is and being saying,

You know,

Telling the truth,

Being true,

Being kind if it isn't necessary,

I feel like that's an easier one to control than appeasing,

You know,

Not being impeccable with your word in the sense of not following through,

Not saying,

Not doing what you say,

Because it's so easy to,

You want to be nice to your parents.

You want to be nice to your friends.

You want to be nice to coworkers,

To business opportunities.

You know,

You don't want,

We don't as a culture and you know,

I mean,

As a society and as a whole,

Like a worldwide society,

At least the Western world that I'm familiar with.

And we don't want to say no,

Like we don't want to hurt people's feelings.

We don't want to,

We don't want to let people down.

We don't,

You know what I mean?

Like there's a real,

Sometimes as you talked about earlier,

What is kind,

Sometimes the kindest thing to do to somebody is say no.

Yeah,

Exactly.

And I think it stems from at the basis of all this,

A lack of self-awareness,

Consciousness,

And in the end,

Lack of authenticity,

Because whether it's people pleasing codependency in the end,

It's all about us,

Right?

We don't want to deal with the difficult emotions.

So we're very,

We live with short-term reactions,

But there's a price in the longterm.

So if you,

In the therapeutic world,

There's an approach called ACT,

Which is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy,

And they call this experiential avoidance.

So basically our reactions are guided by short-term results.

Okay,

I'm going to be nice to this person because I want them to like me,

But in the end,

We're disregarding our own needs and putting the other person's needs ahead of our own.

And over time,

This takes its toll on people and then they build resentments and a bunch of other problems in the longterm.

So these strategies you were mentioning,

They work in the short term.

That's why people do it,

But there's a price to pay in the end.

Before we get into the solutions,

Right?

Before we get into that,

Let's pivot just a little bit into parenting because I think,

So I was talking this weekend to Allie about this because I was,

You and I talked about asking her some of these questions beforehand and figuring out just another mother's perspective on these things and she was like,

Oof,

Oof,

Being impeccable with your word is the big one.

It's so important.

Like I feel like as a parent,

You know how important it is,

But it's difficult as well.

So can you talk about how this affects parenting and also she had a question which was,

She felt like it was the being impeccable with your word is like the cornerstone of discipline for a parent.

Would you agree with that?

Yeah,

Discipline because at the source of discipline is mutual respectful relationship.

And if you're not impeccable with your word,

Even if the child is two,

Three,

Four and can't articulate things well at an energetic level,

They lose respect for you.

And that's when you see the boundary pushing,

The oppositional behavior and all that stuff.

So yeah,

I think it's very,

Very important in all relationships.

And like you mentioned too,

Before we started recording,

We see it in politics.

So that's on a big scale,

But it starts in the home with our children and our partners,

Our friends at work.

The reason it's so important,

I think too,

Is words have a lot of power.

You can destroy someone with a word,

Break their hearts,

Break a trust,

Destroy a relationship with your word.

So people don't realize how powerful words are,

Whether it's the spoken word or words you tell yourself or words you tell little children,

They leave an imprint on us,

On our soul,

On our being.

I'm a big stickler for words.

So that's how I raise my daughter.

Well,

This word is more important than this word or no,

This is what you mean because words are at the source of our communications.

So we need to be intentional when we use our words and basically the opposite intentional when we use silence and be responsible.

So when you're impeccable with your word,

There's a huge responsibility that comes with that because you need to stand by what you're going to say,

What you communicate to the people around you.

Absolutely.

Yeah,

And that's sort of,

I have that written down earlier.

I think for both parenting and just everyday relationships,

You started this entire episode by talking about how being impeccable with your word and the four agreements in general are the base of the healthy relationships.

Making these four agreements with yourself and with whoever you enter into this relationship with in whatever relationship we're talking about.

These are the four things that are underneath everything,

Especially trust and mutual respect.

And it's hard to trust somebody and it's hard to have the respect for somebody if they don't say what they mean and they don't do what they say.

Yes.

So what else?

How do we make sure we do this?

What are the solutions?

So I'm going to sound like a broken record or DVD.

That's fine.

Hammer home the point.

Just keep hammering it home.

The point is always the same.

Be present.

Stop being so distracted.

Be self-aware.

So to think before we speak,

We need to be present instead of letting our mouth just go irresponsibly.

And it takes a fraction of a second.

It's not something like we need two minutes to think about what we're going to say.

Sometimes we do if they're big issues.

But I think if we live with presence,

We're more likely to be impeccable with our word because we will think of the consequence of our words and we will choose our words carefully.

Asking ourselves,

Is it true?

Is it kind?

Is it necessary?

Is it a good strategy of how to?

And the other way to be impeccable with your word is timing.

So if you're a people pleaser,

You can't say no.

When someone asks you a favor,

Instead of responding right away and then changing your mind,

You can use delay tactics like,

Let me get back to you.

So if you know you have a hard time with being impeccable,

Delay your response.

People can wait.

And it's never too late to change your mind.

It's never too late to apologize.

Own up to your words and then do better.

Because to me,

Apologies mean nothing if you don't do better.

You're just,

I'm sorry,

Right?

Yeah.

I'm explaining why you are sorry for the words you use,

How your words might have impacted the other person and how you feel bad for what you did and you're going to try and do better.

So I'm thinking that especially for partners,

Friends,

Children,

Because you're constantly in relationship with them.

And holding yourself accountable.

Yeah,

Totally.

Yeah.

I have no idea if anybody else is hearing this.

There's a screaming four year old downstairs and I'm not sure if it's a happy scream or a tantrum type scream.

I'm not sure.

But anyway,

If you heard that on the show,

Bonus.

I didn't hear it.

One thing I want to add though,

One person we should always be impeccable with is ourselves because our negative self talk manifests in real life.

So I know not long ago you did a video and you were talking about,

I think you were working out and you're like,

I hate this.

I hate this.

Well,

It affects your mindset,

Right?

It makes it even more difficult.

We need to be impeccable with ourselves.

So if we put ourselves down,

Is it true?

So if I'm so stupid,

Well,

Is it true?

No,

Not really.

Is it kind?

No.

Is it necessary?

Not really.

So if we can start with ourselves first,

Because we're in our heads 24 seven,

It's a good place to start and then we'll spread the love that way.

I couldn't agree with you more.

I'm so glad that you caught that at the end.

That's very,

Very,

Very important to be impeccable with yourself.

Would you be honest,

Be true,

Be kind,

Say necessary,

You know,

To do all of those things,

To do what to say what you mean and to do what you say for yourself is so important.

I love that.

And I couldn't agree more,

Especially because you need to have trust and respect for yourself.

If you don't love and respect yourself,

It's really hard to love and respect other people in a healthy way.

Absolutely.

Very,

Very,

Very,

Very true.

All right,

Time for the moment of gratitude.

Gina,

What you got?

I'll start.

I just came back.

So I ended my holidays and I rented a cottage with a few friends,

Airbnb,

A village where I grew up.

It felt so nice to be away from the city and in the country where I was skiing.

So it brought back childhood memories.

And so my daughter was with me,

So I got her to explore where we were.

The energy of it was awesome.

I felt great.

We were in the forest.

I went hiking with my very best friend along a nice river.

It was just amazing.

I'm really grateful for that weekend.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

That sounds so nice.

That's great.

Well,

I don't have anything that cool.

I am grateful for summer being over.

That sounds not good,

But I don't want to be grateful for a negative thing.

I don't know.

Fall is starting.

Fall is starting.

Yeah.

Summer was rough.

Summer was rough.

There was a lot of family stuff.

We lost someone to start the summer.

We're ending the summer with my mom in the hospital,

But she's doing better.

We found out the release date.

She's actually not in the hospital anymore.

She's rehabbing and getting back on her feet.

But we found out the release date today and everything's going great.

Things happen for a reason.

So things are getting sorted out,

And I'm happy and I'm grateful for all of that.

But really,

I have a lot of cool stuff coming up in the fall.

And it's weird because I love the summer.

The summer is my favorite time of year.

It's my favorite thing.

Swimming is my favorite thing in the world.

I haven't done that all year.

It was one thing after another all summer.

So I'm really grateful.

This weekend right now when we're recording this,

Not when you're listening to it,

But it's the last weekend before Brayden goes back to school on Monday and Allie's birthday is coming up.

So I'm excited for the new things coming into the fall.

Good times coming.

Awesome.

Thanks.

All right.

So this is it.

Episode three of the four agreements,

And we'll be back next time to do our best.

Yes.

Thanks,

Sam.

Thank you.

And Gina,

Where can people find you?

DrMadrigrano.

Com and on any social media.

Awesome.

All right.

See you later.

Thank you.

For more information or to book an appointment with Dr.

Gina,

Go to DrMadrigrano.

Com or click the link in the description of this episode.

Reviews

Helpful, insightful, and practical. I will share with mom friends and may even start a parenting group where we listen to some of these recordings to encourage thought and discussion. Thank you!

Very interesting and helpful! Thank you!

Great points, thanks guys 💜 x