TEDx Talk: Fierce Compassion For Self, Fierce Compassion For Others

Speaking out for what you believe is hard; we need fierce compassion to give us the courage to stand up for ourselves and others. In this TEDx talk, Lucy shares her own struggles with low self-worth and how she overcame them in order to start showing up for herself, and others.

Transcript

Music Recently I was tidying up my parents' home when I came across my old school reports.

Lucy is conscientious,

Quiet,

Gets on well with others.

Primary school.

Lucy is reserved,

Kind,

Easy to teach.

Secondary school.

Again and again the same words appeared,

Pleasant,

Agreeable,

Gentle.

And these are in no way bad qualities to have.

But looking back,

I see someone who was a conformist.

For decades I followed the rules,

Obeyed orders,

Have not wanted to upset people.

I remained submissive to my parents and my male counterparts.

I thought pleasing others equated to being kind.

And then something happened.

I broke out of the people pleasing cycle.

I found the quality needed to balance my tendencies to over give.

I found fierce compassion.

Fierce compassion not only saved my life,

It saved the life of another.

But before we get to that,

How do we end up as people pleasers?

For me it started at the age I realised I didn't quite belong.

My cultural heritage is Chinese,

But I was born and brought up in England with many of my elders still living in Hong Kong.

I couldn't understand a word of Cantonese,

So I couldn't communicate with over half my family.

They would affectionately call me a banana,

Yellow on the outside,

White on the inside.

In my mind I wasn't quite Western enough,

Not quite Chinese enough.

I was terrified others would see me as an outsider,

A fraud.

So I tried to create a sense of belonging by getting others to like me.

I became a human chameleon morphing into a variety of characters.

The polite Chinese girl who sat quietly at the back of class.

The workmate who never said no to that extra project.

The diplomat who tried to keep everyone comfortable.

But there was a downside to this approach.

Often I felt unseen,

Misunderstood,

Even resentful.

Finally I realised I was carrying the shame of not belonging.

And I was exhausting myself as a puppet master,

Constantly trying to control how others perceived me.

With self-compassion I began to meet this longing for acceptance,

For connection.

And I realised I could give this to myself.

I could give myself permission to belong.

Again and again I said to myself,

May I know that I am worthy.

May I know that I am enough.

And once I felt at home in my body and in this world I was drawn outwards.

I was called to others who carried this same shame.

And I helped them realise that they belong too.

Fierce compassion allows us to show up for ourselves and to give ourselves what we need.

This is often the first step to extending this outwards.

So how did I become strong?

Fierce.

First I had to realise how people-pleasing wasn't serving me.

It was my first peaceful protest campaigning for the environment and I was so excited.

Finally I was engaging in a social action that felt aligned with my values.

I was so excited I arrived early and was waiting in the middle of a marketplace.

A cheerful Middle Eastern stall owner was toasting pita nearby.

The smell of warm bread enticed me over.

Soon we started chatting.

He was telling me all about his family's culture and asking about mine.

I turned towards the protest now approaching,

The sound of drumming filling the air mixed with the scent of fresh falafel.

I smiled and I turned towards the stall owner.

My sense of uplift disappeared as I noticed a look of distaste on his face.

He moved closer.

Who are they?

He asked.

They're a bit weird aren't they?

And I would love to stand here now and share with you how I told him that I too was part of the protest and why I believe we need to protect the environment.

But the truth is I couldn't.

I froze.

I didn't want to be seen as strange.

I didn't want to see myself as an outsider again.

So I shrugged my shoulders and I said,

Oh,

I'm not sure.

I wanted to keep our conversation as a moment of connection rather than highlighting our differences.

I felt small as I grabbed my wrap,

Muttered a thank you and slunk away.

Afterwards I felt disappointed in myself,

Like I had abandoned a part of me.

Part of me that cares deeply about the issues of the world and wants to express that.

Part of me that knows for the possibility of change there needs to be understanding.

And real understanding doesn't come from always being agreeable and being unwilling to discuss the truth of a situation.

Real understanding comes from being ready to share your view and being willing to listen to another's.

I had already nailed the listening part.

For me to engage wholeheartedly in this process,

I needed to start using my voice.

I couldn't start talking in front of hundreds of people,

Let alone a stranger.

So I started small,

Sitting opposite my parents across the dining table.

They were born into poverty in small farming villages.

They came here with the hopes of building better lives for themselves.

The generation difference was apparent,

As were their priorities.

For them,

Job security and financial stability came first.

So when one evening I decided to share with them my decision to step back from my medical career to pursue my dream of teaching meditation,

Well,

Can you imagine?

I felt a fluttering in my chest and a tight knot in my stomach.

There it was.

The fear of rejection.

Even in front of the two people who had cared for me since I was a tiny baby.

I paused and I felt the discomfort in my body.

I allowed the butterflies to be there.

I gave them space.

I breathed into the tightness of my belly.

I whispered to my anxiety,

It's okay for you to be here.

I know you're trying to keep me safe.

I felt the ground beneath my feet and tapping into the sense of steadiness,

I began to speak.

I realized the earth is always holding me,

Connecting me to strength and stability.

When I felt the urge to stop,

To merge with the wallpaper,

I whispered to myself,

It's okay for you to be heard.

I'm here for you.

That night I gave my decision and my parents received it.

They didn't necessarily agree with it,

But they received it.

It was then I realized we can still respect each other across lines of difference.

From that point I started speaking up more,

Only agreeing to take a job if my pay was equal to my male colleagues,

Speaking out against injustice.

With time I realized when I feel worthy enough to be seen,

The world doesn't fall apart.

Gradually my voice became less wobbly,

More assertive.

Sure,

Sometimes the words would come out too abruptly,

A little clumsily at first,

But I gave myself a break knowing that this was a new learning for me.

The extra-ordery part is this opened up more conversations,

Authentic cards on the table conversations.

I felt more connected,

Not less.

These experiences give me hope for the possibility of change,

As powerful change must come from a deeper understanding.

I had misunderstood what it means to be kind,

To be compassionate.

I ask you now,

Which words come to mind when I say the word compassion?

For me it's things like soft,

Comforting,

Nurturing,

Like the tender love a mother has for its child.

And whilst this gentleness is crucial for healing,

I had fallen into the trap of thinking not rocking the boat equated to compassion.

But not rocking the boat can sometimes be the difference between life and death.

I now know that the most dangerous animal you can come across in the world is a mother protecting its young.

Think of a mother grizzly bear who will do absolutely anything to defend her cubs.

Compassion can be strong,

Steady,

Fierce,

Brave.

And this fierce compassion is a direction I wanted to head towards,

And slowly it became a reality for me.

Both sides of compassion,

The soft and the strong,

The tender and the fierce,

Both sides need to be integrated so that we can look after ourselves and others.

This became crystal clear to me when I was a junior doctor fresh out of medical school working on a weekend.

They call this shift the baptism of fire,

As skeleton staff we would run from ward to ward forgetting to eat,

Rest or breathe.

I received a phone call from a nurse.

She was seriously concerned about a patient in pain.

I remembered the first lesson from my training,

Always trust the nurse.

On paper he looked fine.

His observations were relatively normal.

But as soon as I saw his face,

I just knew something wasn't quite right.

I called my senior and asked him to come take a look.

He was unconcerned and tried to reassure me.

Just give him some medication and move on,

He said.

When I repeated that I was concerned something sinister was going on,

He became irritated and hung up on me.

My cheeks burned red from shame as self-doubt in my inner critic appeared.

I only had two weeks' experience.

He probably had 20 years' worth.

Who was I to challenge him?

So I went to look at the patient again.

As I looked at his face,

I felt something emerging within me.

Something strong,

Fierce,

A deeper knowing of what I had to do.

In this moment I knew the life of this man was more important than me being liked or found out as incompetent.

Inwardly I felt shaky,

Adrenaline now coursing through my veins.

I picked up the phone and called the consultant.

He was at home having lunch with his family.

I heard his toddler giggling in the background.

He was surprised to hear from me,

A little stern.

I had shown incorrect form by jumping the hierarchy.

Nevertheless,

He listened as I calmly and firmly said,

Sir,

My sense here is that there's something seriously wrong.

I need you to come in.

Right now.

He arrived after what felt like the longest 10 minutes of my life.

The next half hour was a blurb of a flurry of movement and phone calls as the operating team mobilised.

The last thing I saw were the wheels of the trolley disappearing through closing doors.

Hours later the doors opened.

The head nurse emerged and smiled at me.

I burst out crying from relief.

The action I took that day saved a life.

But the truth is I could have been wrong.

But realising the consequences if I was right about this man,

Me being judged,

Possibly labelled as a troublemaker,

Was worth it.

In that moment I could take a stand.

Why?

Because the stakes were high.

It wasn't about me anymore.

It was about protecting another.

Even though I was shaking on the inside,

That was my Mother Bear moment.

So I ask you,

What if we don't see compassion solely as a practice of gentleness?

Maybe we also see compassion as a practice of protection.

I know that there's probably an issue in your life that you're concerned about but you're afraid to act on.

Maybe you don't feel empowered enough.

Maybe you feel like you don't have capacity.

Perhaps you're worried at how others will respond.

Maybe you're unsure what to do.

But I invite you to ask yourself the question,

What are the consequences of inaction here?

You don't have to yell at your boss straight away.

Start small.

Have the difficult conversation you've been avoiding.

Speak up even if you disagree.

Learn how to say no.

Your fierce compassion doesn't have to look a certain way.

Loud,

Energetic.

My fierce compassion is quiet,

Contained,

Disciplined.

It is filled with conviction.

The amount of suffering in the world makes my heart break again and again.

But every time I stand up,

Speak out,

Support those in need,

I feel a strength there.

A strength that stems from pure love.

A love that encompasses courage and wisdom.

A love that is powerful.

That is fierce compassion.

Thank you.

Reviews

I needed to hear this today 💞💞💞

Very insightful and self compassion provoking thank you. Enjoying this new awareness through your shares with curiosity and compassion as I lean into ‘May I know I am enough’ and more xxx

Beautiful talk, I needed to hear that Compassion doesn't have to be loud, mine too is soft, but fierce when it needs to be.

A superb talk, made so much stronger and more relatable by the way that Lucy shares personal examples of her experiences and the evolution of her practice of both tender and fierce compassion. I highly recommend listening several times and sharing widely! Thank you Lucy 🙏

Wow, you spoke straight to my experience. Feeling like an impostor, people pleasing. ...now need to become fierce in compassion

Thank you so much Lucy
This spoke to my heart 💞💓

Wise words! Thank you! People pleasing is a frustrating habit causing so much damage to myself and others. It’s good to be reminded of the benefits of self believe and compassion. 🙏

Thank you for sharing your story & passion about compassion. This resonated deeply .

That was amazing. Your story had me sobbing at the end. What a powerful testimony and message. Thank you so much for sharing 🙇🏻‍♂️

Great talk! Thanks for sharing that Lucy! I would love to know what the man in hospital was suffering from?

Excellent. Thank you for sharing your journey.

Thank you for your inspiration

Fabulous, insightful, life serving, revealing and timely!

“Fierce compassion”, Lucy Chan, www.insighttimer.com, TedX talk, human banana = yellow on outside, white on inside.

Self compassion allowed me to belong. I was no longer a outsider.

“May I know that I am worthy,
May I know that I am enough”

Fear of rejection = okay to B here, okay to be heard.

Leaving medical career to pursue yoga. Only taking jobs if pay way equal to the pay of my male colleagues, for example.

Self doubt,
Inner critic shows up and then…

Strong, fierce, deep knowing of what I had to do.

Inwardly shaky, adrenaline coursing through veins

Calmly Requested: “I need U to come in now” = take a stand = mother bear moments

Could have been wrong.
Not about “me” when protecting another (including yourself). STAKES are high!

Issue that U are afraid to act on = ACT on the issue, NOW perhaps gently, perhaps compassionately with Fierce COMPASSION

Compassion = gentleness + protection.

Issue(s) concerned about, afraid to act in.

Do u feel empowered enough?
Concerned that U don’t have “capacity”?

Worried about how others will respond?

Are U unsure about what to do?

Ask yourself, “WHAT ARE THE CONSEQUENCES OF IN-ACT-ion, here?

- the quality of YOUR moments are important
- power over “parenting” verses power WITH parenting styles often leave people scarred, turning them into “people pleasers” verses advocates for well BEing of self etceteras

= important = calmly, intuitively knowing

Brave, mother bear moments = difficult conservations you have been avoiding = advocate!

Speak up, even when u disagree.

LEARN how 2 say “NO”!

Fierce compassion can be:
Quiet,
Contained,
Disciplined,
Filled with conviction!

The amount of suffering in the world can make one’s heart break, again and again.

Stand up!
Speak out!
Support those in need, including YOURSELF!

FEEL the strength

Recognize mature Love,
Recognize Courage,
Recognize wisdom

Love, including love of self, love of the preciousness of each moment of life, LOVE that is pOWERFUL = fierce compassion!

EVOLving www.gratefulness.org, ahimsa

What an exciting new perspective on what is compassion! She shares so many personal insights from overcoming her own inner conflicts which highlight her authenticity. I definitely recommend giving it a listen. She truly uncovered a deeper understanding of what self compassion looks like in action.

Thank you for the reminder that self cpmpassion needs to be furious at times🙂

Well-formed and engaging story that I could relate to. My fear of being found wrong has muted what I have to offer the world. This meditation reframes changing that from an act of bravery to an act of self-compassion. Thank you 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Amazing how she followed her own discomfort into her own truth. What a beautiful journey.

This is me! I felt like you were talking about me. I need this today, and probably every day. Thank you. I will not remain quiet today.

Thank you for sharing your story-I related to it a lot!! About how when we feel worthy in ourselves we can then find a place where we can speak up.

👏