Why Letting Go Doesn't Work

In this talk, Lou helps you rethink the common spiritual advice to "let go" and instead invites you to focus on the practice of understanding. Using examples of anger, pain, and judgment, Lou explains how these feelings have a positive intention, even when their coping mechanisms are no longer helpful.

Transcript

Hello,

Welcome.

My name is Lew Redman and I thank you for listening to this little talk on why letting go doesn't work.

In spirituality there is a lot of talk about letting go.

Letting go of anger,

Letting go of pain,

Letting go of judgments,

Letting go of whatever is causing us suffering.

If you go to any yoga class or new moon circle,

The facilitator will likely prompt,

What do you need to let go of?

It makes sense that we'd feel better if we'd let go of what no longer serves us.

But what if what we think we need to let go of is serving us?

Richard Schwartz created a breakthrough therapy called internal family systems or parts work.

It assumes that there are no bad parts,

Meaning that each seemingly negative part has some positive intention or emotional truth.

Although these parts have a positive intention,

Their coping mechanisms are no longer helpful,

So they manifest with unintended negative consequences.

To use the examples I shared earlier,

The anger is trying to protect us,

But our rage causes harm to others.

The pain remembers when we were bullied,

But our work environment isn't middle school.

Our judgments try to keep us safe,

But we push others away.

Sure,

We can let go of our anger,

But is that any way to treat someone for trying to keep us safe?

Imagine you were a security guard working night shift and you stayed up all night scanning the area to make sure nothing bad happened.

Then in the morning,

Your boss comes in and says,

We need to let you go.

You would be in shock.

You'd resist.

You'd push back.

You'd say,

I'm just doing my job.

That's what happens when we try to let go.

It pushes back.

Letting go is a form of resistance and what we resist persists.

Our efforts at letting go may relieve our symptoms,

But it's like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

It doesn't address the core issue.

So what do we do?

Instead of letting go,

Understand.

In his book Awareness,

Anthony DeMello writes,

Things don't need to be fixed.

They need to be understood.

The moment you understand things,

They change.

Think of something you are suffering with.

Instead of asking,

How can I let this go?

Ask,

How can I understand?

When we stand under,

We see it from a different angle.

We see the root and offer compassion for its positive intention.

The way you understand is by being in conversation with the part.

So the way you would do this is to speak to the part and listen for what it says.

You might say,

Hey,

Angry part,

What do you do for me?

And the angry part might say,

I protect you so no one can hurt you.

And then you respond,

Well,

What are you afraid will happen if you don't protect me?

And the anger says,

You'll feel inadequate and ashamed.

Hearing that your anger is protecting you from feeling inadequate,

How might you respond differently?

You might show appreciation for how it's just trying to help.

And when this happens,

When we appreciate and value our parts for their positive intention,

What happens is naturally they relax.

It's really that simple.

Try it out.

When you hear someone ask you,

What do you need to let go of?

Ninja your brain to hear,

What do you need to understand?

See how it goes and sense how that shifts things.

Truly when we can understand,

We don't need to let go.

And I get it.

There might be situations where you're like,

Lou,

But what about a past relationship that I'm holding on to?

Shouldn't I need to let that go?

Instead of thinking that you need to let go of the past relationship,

Look at the part that wants to let it go.

How does it feel?

What does it want to tell you?

Maybe it feels betrayed and it's still carrying the loss.

As you understand this part for its emotional truth,

It will soften and you will find the peace that you think letting go will bring.

Where can you bring more understanding to your life?

Wishing you so much support.

I hope this little talk around shifting from letting go to understanding was helpful.

If it was,

Let me know.

I love hearing from you or share it with a friend or someone that you think might benefit from making this shift and coming at life or their situation with a little bit more understanding and hopefully opening the path for a little bit more compassion.

Until we connect again soon,

Lots of love and take care.

Reviews

Thank you so much for this! Whenever I heard the question about what I needed to let go of, I felt uncomfortable and I didn't know why. This approach feels much more helpful 💜

Interesting perspective to consider. I’ll try to understand this point of view 🙏

I really appreciated this perspective that we can shift our energy from "trying to let go" to "trying to understand", specifically around our feelings. I love the encouragement to embrace and accept all of our parts. And to try to understand the emotional truth behind them instead of villainizing parts of ourselves. I found this helpful as I apply it to processing grief. The pain can sometimes feel overwhelming, but I try to be present with it instead of judging (or accepting others judgement of) how long these feelings of pain will last. I recognize that the loss is a part of my life experience now. This talk reminds me to continue deepening my understanding of that. Thank you. 🙏🏾

Totally new concept for me. I've been trying to release something deeply hurtful done to me by one of my daughters for two years. Forgiving her was the easy part but overcoming the shame of being mistreated and blamed has been arduous. I am willing to try this method and I think I might be ready for it. Will listen again and let you know how I get on. 🙏🏻💞

Really enjoyed this and gained a whole new perspective- plus I love Anthony DeMello. Thank You Lou!

I agree with you, Lou. Just “letting go” never made any sense to me. It always seemed more like, what do I need to understand or do about this so I’ll be at peace with it? Otherwise, you’re really just trying to ignore it, whatever it is, and it’s like the crazy therapist in “Local Hero,” who is trying to treat his patient’s inflated ego through harassing phone calls: “I’m still here, Happer.”
Keep offering your insights, Lou, and be well!
Donna

Would love to reconnect..
Thank you for your understanding! 🩷

Thank You. IT helped a lot

Lou, thanks always for your wonderfully insightful meditations 💙

I love this different perspective on Letting Go. Sometimes we need to have a conversation with the part of us that is fiercely holding on. There’s always a reason — it’s usually it’s to keep us safe. Sometimes I just say, or journal, to that part of me: I love you, I am safe, and this is not then.

I love the security guard analogy, because who wants to be told that they’re not needed when they’ve been working so hard to do what they feel is right for you. And now I think of it, it’s just like letting go of your children as a parent as they become young adults. and that definitely is a process!

Thanks always 💚

Excellent

Thank you Lou. This is really helpful and I will listen to again and focus on trying to move towards this.

Thank you 🙏

Thank you! For reminding me that feelings are there for a reason… Make use of them! : )

Word. Thank you dear Lou. I have read about and experientially learned all this before, but love your compelling, concise summary, and great delivery and analogies!

I have found ‘you need to feel to heal’ very similar and helpful to your discussion of the need for understanding in order to let go. Also, not sure if you know her, but the wonderful teacher Catherine Liggett’s work is beautifully complementary to all you say and I highly, highly recommend her to all.

Thanks again for your contributions 🙏💚☮️

Absolutely delightful 😌🙏🏻✨🦋 thank you Lou…I love your insights and fresh perspectives. Always inspiring 😊

I found this extremely helpful! I’ve just started my journey on IFS therapy, and you couldn’t have explained it better!

This is a really enlightening way to look at Letting go and replacing it with understanding in an attempt to be present for what the experience is meant to teach us.
I like it because understanding is such a simple way to resolve conflict. Thank you Lou, definitely something to reflect on.🙏🏼🧡

Thank you this was absolutely brilliant 🙏🫶🌸

Thank you, Lou, for this talk. I love IFS and when I read “No bad parts”, I understood how to be more and truly compassionate with myself. Much gratitude 🙏

As an elementary school teacher there was a saying, 'You get what you get and you don't get upset'. I changed it to, 'You get what you get and you SIT with upset'. So I would explain that sometimes we actually don't get what we want or what we think we want but how can we feel our emotions, observe our thoughts, and maybe seek out guidance for acceptance and understanding. Allowing all experiences to be truly felt and not being told to not get upset or to not feel what you actually feel is a big shift for little kids. I did the she kind of teaching with the phrase, 'suck it up buttercup'. So much wisdom in this teaching. Thanks, Lou.