Why Narcissistics Love You One Minute, But Hate You The Next (Narcissistic Love Explained)

Narcissists live in a fantasy reality. This reality keeps them safe from their emotional demons, and at the beginning of a relationship, they will lure you into their fantasy through idealizing you. Learn more about what you can do to recover from the grasp of someone with high narcissistic traits.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

Today,

We're going to be talking about what narcissists want when they first meet you.

When a narcissist first meets you,

What they want from you is to make up for everything that they feel they are owed in life.

So if they came from an abusive childhood home,

And let's say their mother was highly abusive or their father was highly abusive,

And we all know that there were all different types of abuse,

But essentially there's a lot of trauma in a narcissist's background,

A lot of abandonment,

A lot of shame,

A lot of persecution,

Perhaps.

You are going to be the person that they put on the pedestal that they want to believe will never hurt them,

That will never abandon them,

That will never challenge them.

When you disagree with a narcissist,

They go into full on defensive mode,

And it's around that time where they are unable to maintain a cohesive narrative about you in spite of the conflict.

And so when you challenge a narcissist or when you suggest that you be a part of a conversation or you want a narcissist to consider how you feel about something,

That's when you're going to start to see the shift.

Because when it comes to a narcissist,

They want to believe that when they first meet you that you are going to eradicate everything from the past.

You are going to be the person that never hurts them,

That never walks away from them,

The person that never holds them accountable.

You are going to be the person that holds up that shiny mirror that reflects this false self back to the narcissist.

You're never going to have a voice.

You're never going to voice your opinion.

It's going to be your job to continually let the narcissist know that they're awesome,

That they're wonderful,

And that they're never wrong.

That's basically what a narcissist wants.

The narcissist just wants someone who's going to bob their head and say,

Yes,

Yes,

Yes,

Yes,

Yes,

Yes.

And if they tell you that you need to apologize for something that you're not guilty for,

They're going to want you to apologize for something that you're not guilty for.

They're going to want you to assume blame.

Now when you assume blame for everything,

What that essentially is doing,

In my humble opinion,

Is allowing the narcissist to stay in their glass castle.

See,

They aren't wrong.

There's nothing wrong with them.

You see,

They are right.

Even when they're persecuting other people,

They are right,

And you go along with it.

So that's really what they want.

They want you to agree with them.

They want you to be this person that is going to make up for all of the experiences that they've had.

A narcissist wants to believe that you adore them.

And so if you have bumped into a narcissist who came from a family where there was no accountability,

Where a junior was told how awesome he was and how special he was and that no woman was going to be good enough for him,

And vice versa,

Female too.

If you know a narcissistic female who was praised her whole life and was never held accountable and her mom lived vicariously through her and put her up on a pedestal.

So she walks around with a nose up in the air and she thinks that everyone that she manifests in her life should also treat her that way.

So there's a sense of entitlement,

This sense that people are below her,

That she's more special than everyone else.

Same with a male.

A male narcissist,

Same thing.

So if you've manifested a man into your life who has been praised excessively by his parents,

Even though there is no evidence to back it up,

Right?

He's a great singer.

No,

He's not.

He's a great football player.

No,

He's not.

And he doesn't do anything wrong in school.

Yes,

He does.

He's destructive.

He doesn't do his homework and he's not following the rules,

Right?

We need order in classrooms.

Otherwise it's very difficult for a teacher to do her job.

But a mother who is constantly excusing her child and making excuses for why this child is destructive grows up with a sense of entitlement.

And so if you are dealing with that type of a narcissist,

What that narcissist wants from you when you initially meet them is to keep the ball going.

Treat them like their mother did.

Treat them like their father did.

Never challenge them.

Never hold them responsible.

Never expect them to defend you in an argument with their parents.

Never expect them to show up for you once in a while.

And so when you're dealing with a narcissist,

When they first meet you,

They either want to.

.

.

And again,

This is just my humble opinion.

This is dealing with narcissists in my own family,

Dealing with narcissists that we've manifested into our family in just an everyday life.

So you could manifest someone into your life that has a bunch of trauma and is a narcissist or on the spectrum.

And you are going to be glorified when you first meet them because in their head,

You're going to make up for everything that mommy didn't do or everything that mommy did do.

You're going to be the one that's going to erase that.

You're going to be the one that makes up for all of the pain their father caused in their life or whoever caused them.

You're going to be the one to make up for that.

Another thing that a narcissist will want to do is to find ways to get you to attach to them.

So they will love bomb you and they will adore you when you first meet them and your relationship will be highly intense when you first meet them,

But it won't be intimate and it won't be authentic.

You will attach to a narcissist if you have empathy and if you are codependent because codependence attach and people with high empathy have high empathy.

So and people with high empathy just assume everybody has high empathy,

But that's not the case.

When you're dealing with a narcissist who targets codependence,

Targets people with high empathy,

Targets nurses,

Targets volunteer firemen,

Targets people who volunteer and whatnot,

You're being targeted because you have a high threshold for forgiveness.

You have a high threshold for understanding.

So when a narcissist first meets you,

They're going to understand that you're someone that can attach.

You're someone who's loyal.

They want to believe that they,

You are someone who is going to hold this mirror up for them and who is going to allow them to continue to have you in mesh with them and attached to them.

They don't do intimacy well and they have issues with empathy.

So they lack empathy.

I think that is also on a spectrum.

You'll you'll meet some people that have zero empathy for other people and then maybe the narcissist has some empathy for you,

But when it comes down to it and they feel threatened by you wanting to hold them accountable,

That empathy goes out the window.

At least that's my experience.

So narcissists can also fake empathy.

So they pretend they mirror you.

They watch you.

They watch the room.

They pay attention to how other people are responding and they respond to you in a way that they think is going to allow them to secure a narcissistic supply,

A form of narcissistic supply from you.

When they first meet you at the end of the day,

When a narcissist first meets you,

What they want is to make sure that you are going to be a good source of narcissistic supply,

That you're going to be compliant,

That you're going to attach,

That you are going to tolerate the arguments that they start for no reason,

That you are going to tolerate their abuse of other people and their abuse of you.

They want to see,

They want to see just how willing you are to tolerate who they are.

And they want to believe that you're somebody who will always be a good source of narcissistic supply.

The minute you expect,

And I went through this myself,

The minute you say,

Well,

Wait a minute,

What did you say?

They turn.

The eyes go black and you have been pushed off that pedestal and you get pushed into the land of the darkness.

You are now like every other person that's ever abused them.

And in some cases there's no turning back from that.

And so it's a pretty confusing world to live in,

To be a part of and to be dragged into,

Especially if you are someone who is highly codependent,

Who is a fixer,

Who wants to understand the other person,

Who has high empathy and who just doesn't leave relationships.

So you lack the ability to be objective about the cost of a relationship to you.

So you don't regularly assess how you feel in a relationship.

You tend to worry more about other people and you want to change,

Change the relationship.

And you think that if you change yourself or if you are able to say,

Say whatever needs to get said in one specific way,

Then this other person who is not hearing you,

Who's built not to hear you,

Will hear you and things will change.

If you were dealing with a narcissist who has been groomed to be a narcissist by their parents who lacked the ability to hold their children accountable,

That were narcissistic themselves,

That encouraged poor behavior.

If you're dealing with that type of a narcissist,

Then when the narcissist first meets you,

They're just going to want you to carry the family torch.

You're going to have to treat them the way their mother and father treated them.

And if you dare to hold them accountable or to have a decent,

Authentic conversation with them that requires them to look at themselves and take accountability,

All bets are off.

So what you want to look for is you want to look for it.

In my opinion,

You want to make sure that your relationships are,

They don't start off fast,

That they take their time to evolve.

You want to make sure that this person who,

And because narcissists are very seductive,

They have to be,

They have to hook you quick.

They have to figure out whether or not you're going to be a good source of narcissistic supply and if you're not,

Bye bye,

Bye Felicia.

And so they have to do that quick.

So if you're in a relationship with someone who wants to move too fast,

In my opinion,

That's a red flag.

So slow down.

The other thing that you want to look out for in a relationship when you first meet someone is can this person have authentic conversation?

Is there any level of accountability or is this person tend to justify their actions?

Are they critical of themselves in the sense that when we're able to think in a critical way about ourselves,

That's where we see our flaws and it's through our challenges and it's through being more objective about our dark side as well as our light side and rise into the challenges of growing and changing,

Right?

So that we can live a more authentic life.

That's where old personal growth comes from.

So you want to look to see if someone that you just met is rising to those challenges of facing the self like I'm not perfect and I know I'm not perfect and I know I'm not better than anybody else,

But no one's better than me either.

So you're looking for that type of ability for someone to think that way because if you've manifested somebody who thinks they're perfect or who wants you to just feel sorry for them or just wants you to always give them a pass,

Then you're not in a relationship with someone where the relationship can actually grow.

If you've met someone,

They hardly know you and they're telling you that they love you,

That they've never felt like this before.

They might think that's true,

But you have to be very,

Very careful when you first meet someone because the reality is this person doesn't know you.

So when someone says,

I love you,

You have to ask yourself,

Well,

You don't even know me.

You might love who you think I am,

Or you might love what might become.

So be careful of people who move too fast,

People who are way too quick to tell you a sob story and want to know a lot about you as well,

Right?

Because when a narcissist is,

Again,

Learn this the hard way,

When a narcissist is asking you questions about your history,

It's not because they care.

They're trying to find what I call your spiritual boo-boos.

They want to know where your wounds are so that they can exploit them.

I hope this has given you something to think about,

Especially if you are someone who is looking to heal from codependency and especially if you're someone who resonates with having high empathy because dear one,

You are a target.

It is what it is.

Just like baby rabbits are targets for hawk codependent and an empath or someone who is highly sensitive,

Highly empathic,

Who has a heart that wants to really help people.

We need to know that you are a target for a narcissist.

So the more you know about their predictable behavior,

The more you know about the way that they think,

The better you are able to move about in the world,

In your own skin and in a way that allows you to protect yourself.

And yes,

You should protect yourself.

I mean,

Relationships are important.

We all want to be in relationships and relationships are normal and all human beings generally want to bond and be in relationships.

But if you're in the wrong relationship,

That could destroy your life.

And so do you need to protect yourself?

Absolutely.

That's why you have a password for your computer.

That's why you have a PIN number for the bank.

We need to protect ourselves and there's nothing wrong.

And in fact,

I think it's also extremely responsible and it's something we should do.

We should know who we are.

We should know how we show up in relationships and we should know how to protect ourselves because the reality is there are predators out there.

I'm on the breakthrough life coach.

Reviews

One of the best explanations of a narcissistic personality. Thankyou again Lisa 🙏🏼🌺

Very helpful to an empath like me who has been emotionally hurt by a Narcissistic. Definitely worth a listen. Thank you

Wow! So eye-opening. The scales are falling from my eyes because of this valuable information. Life changing. Thank you.😄🙏🏻

Best description yet 🤩

Helping unravel some things about myself and my recent failed partnership. Thank you!

Great information

By

Valuable😊🙏🌹

Omw!!! This was so helpful to me. My ex husband was exactly this! Makes sk much sense now. Thank you xxx

Fantastic as usual! Thank you!